Bringing gifts, sending messages, smoking..

[Irishman]

As i eventually found out on my last trip Ling smokes. I'm a ex-smoker after being a heavy smoker for about 16 years or so and i guess i probably have more anti-smoking feelings now than most non smokers, i truly am repulsed by the smell of smoke on clothes etc.

The basic truth is if i had know she smoked before hand that would have been it and would have moved on to someone else.
We met up and I like, her smokes and all, but its still the bear in the cave of our relationship. I've said i don't mind her smoking outside or in public places as its open air and if its indoors like pub others will be doing it so I'll have to put up with it anyhow.
She agreed to do this but in Lankawi in Malaysia she smoked when i was in the shower in the bedroom with the window open presumably thinking I wouldn't notice but as any non smoker will know of course  the stench is instantly there..this pretty much was the catalyst to our big argument and bust up the next day.

We are going stronger than ever now but here my two questions :-

1) I know its the probably the hardest thing i ever had to do (ie quit smoking) , but as it disgusts me should i ask her to do it?, she already told me she would quit if she became pregnant for the sake of the child, but she doesn't want to otherwise right now.
2) I know asking a Chinaman to quit smoking is like asking the ocean to stop making waves so will bring smokes for her brother when i next visit there, should I bring her smokes too?, will this send the wrong message?.

If I'm honest here this whole smoking thing is a big deal for me, I utterly detest and am repulsed by the smell, the act and the nasty filthy dirty habit of it it.
If she didn't smoke i know she would be perfect for me..but she does..and is likely to continue that way. I am worried that if I live with her I'm going to take the habit back up again, i'm already having the "nightmare" dreams where i'm smoking again and wake up in a sweat relieved that I'm not.
I'm also wondering if I am going to end up not liking her because she smokes and her not liking me because she knows i don't like her smoking.

I have to admit, this is really bothering me and i'm not sure what is the right way to go from here.

Brothers what would you do in my situation?

[maxx]

Irishman the answer to your question is in your own post.If her smoking bothers you that much.You probably should find you another women.


If you ask her to quit smoking for you.She will resent you.If she doesn't quit smoking you will always be nagging her to quit.Or to take it ouit side.Or you will be madd that you can smell it on your clothes her clothes.Her hair.You will be able to smell it in her house your house.

The only advise I can give you.Is ask her to quit smoking again.Explain to her how much it bothers you.Be prepared for the consiquinces of your actions.

[Irishman]

Tough love Maxx, and right as usual. i just needed to hear it from someone else I guess. I really like her, but i also really dislike smoking  

I know she really like me and she knows i don't like her smoking. I have to put this to her as softly as possible, but if i'm honest, her smoking is a big deal to me , she will have to quit if we have any chance of future success.
I know this won't be enough, as an ex smoker i could only quit when i was doing it for me alone, she doesn't want to for herself so its very unlikely she can do this without hating me making her do it.

I think I gotta face up and move on again

[maxx]

Sorry brother I had to tell you.I have gone threw this before.But it was the other way.I smoke.My girlfriend at the time felt the same way you do about it.And like you said it was a no win situation.Because the nore she nagged me about it the more I smoked

[Arnold]

Irish , I don't know if I told you this or not . But my late Wife was a chain smoker when I met her and out of Love toward's me
( knowing I did not smoke ) she stopped almost Cold Turkey .
Now ... you can see how much Ling really Loves you , by just trying to quit at least .

You ask what other's would do in your case . Well , here is what I would do and I think it would work out great . You do not actually have to do it but pretend and act drunk after drinking a few Beer's or Wine . Knowing most Chinese Woman don't like their Man to drink . This is where your ACE in the hole is . Tell her , you give up drinking if she give's up smoking . Sounds fair to me . If she still doesn't want to quit ... it's two choices for you . Live with it or live without her .

[Vince G]

I'm a smoker and looking to quit. Aggravation keeps it going for now. I told Song I would stop before I go there. She doesn't like that I smoke but it's not a problem that I do.

I think it would be best to just ask her to "consider" stopping. Don't demand it. If she says no then do what you will.

[David E]

As i eventually found out on my last trip Ling smokes. I'm a ex-smoker after being a heavy smoker for about 16 years or so and i guess i probably have more anti-smoking feelings now than most non smokers, i truly am repulsed by the smell of smoke on clothes etc.

If I'm honest here this whole smoking thing is a big deal for me, I utterly detest and am repulsed by the smell, the act and the nasty filthy dirty habit of it it.
If she didn't smoke i know she would be perfect for me..but she does..and is likely to continue that way. I am worried that if I live with her I'm going to take the habit back up again, i'm already having the "nightmare" dreams where i'm smoking again and wake up in a sweat relieved that I'm not.
I'm also wondering if I am going to end up not liking her because she smokes and her not liking me because she knows i don't like her smoking.

I have to admit, this is really bothering me and i'm not sure what is the right way to go from here.

Brothers what would you do in my situation?

Irish

I am a smoker and my ex-wife was also. When she gave up, I respected her will power and never smoked indoors or around her. But she constantly nagged, nagged and nagged me to stop. Nothing is worse than a reformed smoker.

The blazing rows we had over this issue would melt bricks!! I know I didn't give up, in part, because I felt she had no right to go on so much about it. In fact, it was one more nail in our matrimonial coffin....and whilst I would not say that this single issue caused our seperation...it played a VERY big part in it.

If you cant deal with a smoker under any circumstances, then your only option is to persuade  or bully your Lady to quit. ....or walk away !!! But remember...NOBODY can force a smoker to quit..they gotta come to that decision in their own time, on their own terms.

If she quits for you...under protest, it may be a sleeping dragon in your relationship, with much hidden resentment ??

DavidE

[JimB]

Irish,
What a tough decision. I guess this is what tests the strength of your love for one another.  I am an ex smoker.  Quit almost 20 years ago.  Did it cold turkey after watching my father die of cancer so I had a big motivation.  Personally, do you really love her?  If you do, try to compromise with her.  There are things that she can do to minimize the smell.  Of course smoking outside, etc.  If she wont, then that tells you a lot about her feelings for you.  If you nag her to quit as everyone else says it is a sleeping dragon.  It is a lose lose situation for you unless you are willing to compromise for her.  If not, then you have no choice but to move on.  Is this really the only reason or are there other questions also?  I would ask myself that, too.  I know a number of couples that compromise on this issue. Of course, it is your call to make.  The three C's of a successful relationship.  Commitment, communication and compromise.  Without all 3 it is not going to work.  That is one big thing I learned from my divorce.

[metooap]

Irish,

I think that your item one has been address pretty throughly.

I want to address your item:

2) I know asking a Chinaman to quit smoking is like asking the ocean to stop making waves so will bring smokes for her brother when i next visit there, should I bring her smokes too?, will this send the wrong message?.

----------

I would not give smokes as a gift. For a number of reasons. The most important for me is that I personally know what smoking can do to a person - watching three people in my family succumb to cancer because of it. I know there are all kinds of vices out there - but why participate in something you walked away from and don't like now? I would find another gift that will be acceptable!

[Irishman]

Thanks guys. I've slept on it and think I'm going to try to stop obsessing about it.
I'm fully away being an e smoker myself that nagging her constantly will be counter productive. She knows full well how much I dislike it, David is right, maybe reformed smokers are zealots, i certainly cannot tolerate the smell as i could before i ever took it up (it was so damn hard to quit I suppose mentally you have to make a big strong wall against the cancer sticks).

I live her very much and am not prepared to let her go, if she can respect this and not smoke around me then maybe in time she will come to the conclusion that she should stop, she did tell me in the past that she tried to quit..so in there somewhere she wants to stop i guess.

I will just have to put up and shut up for the moment and see how i feel about it when I'm with her again, I suspect that distance apart is making me obsess about small details that wouldn't come to a head if I was there with her.

Thanks for the advice guys, I'm glad i slept on it and didn't send any rash emails last night! (maxx 24 rule !!)

[David5o]

Ronan,

There's lot's of tricks out there now to help people to stop smoking. The one i hear most success from is the ''hypnosis'' method. I'm sure you'll be able to find a suitable clinical hypnotist in China if Ling is agreeable.
Let's put it this way, any avenue is better than you having to say bye,bye!! ...Right??

Another thing, i know your in Ireland, but in UK there is a government hot line, on ways to help you stop smoking, why not log-in and see what they have to offer in ways for Ling to Quit. Maybe there is a similar hot line in Ireland??  There must be many such site around on the net covering this subject, ...Go find them, see what they have to offer!!

David....

[shaun]

Ronan,

I quit smoking March 24, 1986. I have heard how ex-smokers are the worst in the world about smoking. I have alway thought that to be true to those who still struggle with the temptation of smoking.  Once I quit I was never tempted again due in part to the recognition that it was a temptation. There are circumstances where the smell of cigarettes is repulsive.  The circumstances or places are building where people smoke on a regular basis. In America, the entrances of public buildings.  People are not allowed to smoke in the buildings so they stand outside and smoke.  Unfortunately the smell does not go away.  Cars and ash trays absolutely have the worst smell when it comes to cigarettes.  Smoked in cars are really just ash trays on wheels.  Finally clothing, people who smoke their clothes stink.  However a fresh cigarette right after a meal is still one of the best smells I know.  When leaving a restaurant if a person lights up in front of me I will take a couple of sniffs and walk away.

Clothing and breath can be handled with purfumes and breath mints.  Ash trays can be dumped and washed daily. (Outside ash trays that is.)  Unfortunately buildings, offices, and cars cannot be smoked so there is not place of compromise except outside; even in the winter.

So, if you really want to continue with this woman, define the parameters of acceptance and live by it.  You mentioned that she smoked in the room when you took a shower, I am assuming this was the source of your argument, did you have an agreement for her to not smoke in the room?  If you did there is a problem here that may re-occur.  Define where she can and cannot smoke. Don't order her define it together. If there is something you do that she has an issue with and you do not want to give it up, define the parameters of acceptibility. I would suggest that you do both at the same time to show your willingness to give something up too.  It helps to build a spirit of cooperation.

Shaun

[Willy The Londoner]

I am one of the worst ones.  A former smoke of up to 60 a day and now clean for the past 20 years.  

If I accidently get involved with a women who smokes then I just cannot stand the smell on her breath in my face.

For me it then comes down to numbers - usually starting and ending with 69.

Willy

[David5o]

Shaun,

I can just see you now, .... taking in those 2 or 3 deep sniffs as your walking (slowly) past that table, and then hurrying away!! ....Maybe before you ask, if they by any chance have a spare ciggy going!!  hahaha!!


David....

[shaun]

David,

The rapture would happen before I ask.  It's kind of like beer.  It tastes real good the first time. If it should come back up or the clean up the next day is pretty terrible.  The burning of a fresh cig smells good but an old stale one or the remnant smells later.  Yuk!!!

Funny thing even when it smells good, there is no temptation.  Just not interested.

Shaun