JUST FOR A LAUGH

[shaun]

Got caught in the act again eh Robert? 

[JohnB]

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling
and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was
packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce
embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a
couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee
and noticed that everyone was staring at me..

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.... and how was
your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology!

[JohnB]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!

[JohnB]

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

[JohnB]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women
talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[JohnB]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he
needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You
would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you
would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -





"WE MEN ARE TRULY HONOURABLE !!!"

[JohnB]

SENIOR AND CLIMATE CHANGE.....

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold chilly.’
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’ The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old man,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in July & the second time is in January.'

[JohnB]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say “1-2-3”. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

Funny gun control video.

http://youtu.be/xI3hQYcxJVo

[john1964]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed, a hooker was standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!