Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 280801 times)

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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1365 on: January 24, 2014, 11:40:42 am »
I Wish This Guy Was My Neighbor...
http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r 

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1366 on: January 24, 2014, 11:43:37 am »
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose
of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use
past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie,
the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1367 on: January 24, 2014, 11:57:07 am »
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the
women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently
shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000,
and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."


"Good grief . . . is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1368 on: January 28, 2014, 11:33:57 pm »
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money,do they have golf courses, etc. Finally, Maureen brings
up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie
member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?''Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his
member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks,
'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'

Offline IrishGuy65

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1369 on: January 29, 2014, 07:15:18 am »
At the golf course, Fred, playing as a single, was teamed with a twosome.  Eventually, they asked Fred why he was playing by himself on such a beautiful day.

"My dear wife and I played this course together for over thirty years, but this year she passed away.  I kept the tee time in her memory."

The twosome were touched at the thoughtfulness of the gesture, but one asked him why no one from among her friends and family was willing to take her spot.

"Oh," responded Fred, "they're all at the funeral."
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Visas picked up on 3/5/14.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1370 on: February 07, 2014, 01:51:59 pm »
An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring
at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was commando. She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he asked, “You’re shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1371 on: February 08, 2014, 03:16:04 am »

what dog are you?
http://www.gone2thedogs.com/

turns out that I am a Bearded Collie...
is no wonder my 2 labs do not understand me.... ???

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1372 on: February 08, 2014, 03:35:22 am »
As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying he called his grandson to his
bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my
chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How
about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead."


"You lisinna to me," responded the Don. "Somma day you goina be runna
da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home
and maybe a couple of bambino."


"Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with
another man. Whatta do you goina do then? Point to you watch and say,
'Times up?'"

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1373 on: February 16, 2014, 12:54:32 pm »
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:
#8
Life is sexually transmitted.
#7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny . They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam
in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
#3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.
And The #1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1374 on: February 16, 2014, 01:00:19 pm »
Jacob, age 81 and Rebecca, age 80, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1375 on: February 16, 2014, 01:47:12 pm »
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men.
"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2014, 03:25:29 pm by JohnB »

Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1376 on: February 19, 2014, 07:45:22 pm »
Yesterday Fiona brought me scrambled eggs for breakfast and asked me the English name for them. I told her scrambled eggs.

tonight (quite proudly) she brought me ham and cheese and some scrambled potatoes.  I just shook my head and smiled.
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1377 on: February 26, 2014, 09:33:14 pm »
Where does the time go?
'Remember yesterday and Dream about tomorrow; But you better live for today!'
How quickly the years pass ....
« Last Edit: February 26, 2014, 09:36:10 pm by JohnB »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1378 on: February 26, 2014, 09:40:50 pm »
My Living Will

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1379 on: February 26, 2014, 09:43:22 pm »
A doctor was addressing a large audience:
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the chemicals in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake."