Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 278399 times)

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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1545 on: January 01, 2017, 07:55:09 pm »
Hunting Dog .....your daily groaner
Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there
aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The
dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two
ducks out there".


Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes
to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I still don't believe it. There really are only two
ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?
" Chester says

"Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him". So Earl
goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges
and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for
ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f*****g ducks out
there than you can shake a stick at".


Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1546 on: January 01, 2017, 07:58:41 pm »
Being polite in mixed company:

A teacher asked her students, "If you were on a dinner date with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "I gotta go pee!"
The teacher replied that was 'crude'.
Sherman offerred, "Excuse me, but I really have to go to the toilet!"
"Better, replies the teacher, but let's not use the word "toilet" at a dinner table."
Edward said, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands
with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce to you after dinner".

Edward was sent to the Principal.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1547 on: January 01, 2017, 08:08:57 pm »
Paraprosdokian is a derivative of a Greek word, which means beyond
expectation. It is a wordplay type of literary device. Its final part of a phrase or sentence is unexpected.
Its unexpected or surprised shift in meaning appears at the end of a stanza, series, sentence or paragraph.

The following are a few paraprosdokians which were sent to me by a friend.

*If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.

*I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

*Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool,
so I gave him a glass of water.

*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

*I'm great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*Take my advice — I'm not using it.

*My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

*Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

*Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

*Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?

*Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

*He who laughs last thinks slowest.

*Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

*Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

*I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

*If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

*Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

*If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

*Money is the root of all wealth.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1548 on: January 05, 2017, 01:26:32 pm »
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the
horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle,
as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly,
"I think, therefore I am."

But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.


Then again, for you deep thinkers...

This is a great joke, and yet sorry to be such a nudge here, but the problem I see with
this example is that it's a fallacy and is highly illogical, Captain...

The fallacy is called denying the antecedent...
Aristotelian logic would say:
If P, then Q - if this is logical
Then, therefore, if not P, then not Q is not logical...

Example: If the sidewalk is wet from the rain, then it rained...
But, you cannot deny the antecedent and therefore conclude that if the sidewalk is not
wet from the rain, that it did not rain... the sidewalk could have been covered with a tarp
or umbrella while it still rained...

One can only logically say therefore that if it did not rain, then the sidewalk did not get
wet from the rain... sure, it could get wet from a sprinkler or a spilled drink, but not from
the rain... that is the only logical conclusion...
Therefore, if the horse didn't think he was an alcoholic, then he could still be and would
not go POOF!

A good reference:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denying_the_antecedent

I wonder if Stephen Hawking would enjoy the joke?

« Last Edit: January 05, 2017, 01:45:57 pm by JohnB »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1549 on: January 05, 2017, 01:52:39 pm »
New Year's Day in Pyongyang

Kim Jong Un wakes up after a drinking binge.
He walks around his office, but sees no one. He explores his building, but can't find anyone.
He peers out of the window, and the streets of Pyongyang are completely empty.

His phone rings. Hurriedly he lifts it, hoping to get an explanation. His wife was on the other
end of the line.
"Glorious husband! Last night you had too much Soju and opened our borders."

"Shit! Are the two of us the only people left?"
"Actually... I'm calling from Seoul."

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1550 on: January 12, 2017, 01:11:56 am »
The Italian Cruise

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy
tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and
keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD that you're alive."

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted. That night, the sailor brought
her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love
to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with a sailor," she
replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1551 on: January 21, 2017, 12:19:29 am »
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1552 on: January 21, 2017, 12:23:30 am »
this one sparks a memory...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go
to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how
the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign
on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and
Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely
as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To Avoid Gender Bias Charges, the Store's Owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1553 on: January 21, 2017, 12:26:53 am »
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't
see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures
out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze
my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to
have sex with him, she should reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't
want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1554 on: January 21, 2017, 12:41:20 am »
Bill Clinton checking out  Melania Trump during the inauguration festivities.
https://gfycat.com/MajorMedicalKinkajou

Bill is okay.. he did a helluva job despite the fuckheads who impeached him.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1555 on: January 21, 2017, 01:09:44 am »
A Short Hot Love Story
I shall seek and find you... I shall take you to bed and control you... I will make you ache,
shake and sweat until you grunt and groan... I will make you beg for mercy... I will exhaust
you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you... And you will be weak for days.
All my love, The Flu

Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1556 on: January 22, 2017, 10:56:39 am »
Good jokes. Very funny. I'm going to plagiarize them for FB
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
https://chinaandfriends.shutterfly.com/pictures
http://www.youtube.com/user/gerrypineau/videos
http://youtu.be/zG4eoONlutE

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1557 on: January 22, 2017, 08:56:54 pm »
 8)

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1558 on: January 23, 2017, 01:19:15 am »
The Western Girls are worth so much more!   

Sold by the pound that is! 8)

Willy
Willy The Lpndoner

Now in my 12th year living here,

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1559 on: January 26, 2017, 01:56:29 am »
SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental
train back in the 50's.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired
and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied 'Get your own f------- blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ...he farted. The end.