General Discussion and Useful Links > The Campfire
JUST FOR A LAUGH
Vince G:
Not sure if these two photos go together? And they wonder why we run to China?
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MLM:
--- Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='7319' dateline='1246739694' ---
Not sure if these two photos go together? And they wonder why we run to China?
--- End quote ---
Well that second photo is enough of birth control for me:s
David5o:
Vince,
How can any man get aroused by something like that ?? Not that you would want too, but how to find the honey pot? Ask her to fart, to give you a clue, or dowse her in talcum powder to find the damp patch?
I think I'll leave it to others to find out...... I'm outta here!! ...hahaha!!
David5o:
The Centipede
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer? But there was no answer from his new Pet.This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, At the top of his voice,'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......
A little voice came out of the box:
'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on!! ....OK'Lizard Birth!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she enquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its. . . teeny little ' ....She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more!!!!
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: 140 Euros
One cage: 50 Euros
Trip to the vet: 30 Euros
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkle: ........That's Priceless!!!
Moral of the story: You should of Paid attention in biology class....
Because, then you would have known that .......All Lizards lay eggs!! Remember!! ...???
David5o:
WHO'S YOUR DADDY
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "Father's Details," or putting it another way....Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms with no spelling corrections. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1.Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon Mc Kinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my =2 0 stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.Shii - The Wii for Women
Click the link
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Shii - The Wii for Women
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The tax man
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles. '
Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these biscuit purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?'
Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.
' I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
Here, too, we do not waste,
' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins
and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
Well he did ask for it ...Didn't he!!!! .....Hahahaha!!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE NIGHT OF APRIL 1ST
' In The Court Room........
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 71 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, ......
sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him........
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no!!
He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............ 'The Little Bastard!!'--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take the dog for a walk
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'
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