Dave the chicken
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never!' replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife screaming and shouting at him.......
'Dave, Dave, ...wake up you paralytic drunken bastard, you've shit the bed.
Wow !!,... now that's what you call a "wake-up call"
A LOYAL WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. (that means ...he was as Tight as a ducks arse in cramp....water tight!!) or ( short arms deep pockets.... his hands would/could never reach his money)
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. .....
If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Remind me to specify "CASH" when my time comes around !! .....hahaha!!
