JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

.

Little April


Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she
slept through the class.

One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was

paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair
behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and
April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and
Saviour,"But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS
CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good,"



And April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam

after she had their twenty-third child?"



And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.

This time April jumped up and shouted,

"IF YOU STICK THAT F##KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT
IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher just stood there , ...with her mouth wide open, ....Gob Smacked!!!!!.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Subject: Women of the World
>>
>> The first man married a woman from Australia. He told her that she was
>> to do the dishes and house cleaning... It took a couple of days,
>> but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
>> washed and put away.
>>
>> The second man married a woman from U.K. He gave his
>> wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
>> cooking.
>> The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he
>> saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was
>> clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the
>> table.
>>
>> The third man married a woman from NZ.
>> He ordered her to keep the house
>> clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
>> washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
>> first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
>> anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
>> had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm
>> was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
>> dishwasher, although he still has some difficulty when he pees.
>>
>>
>> God Bless New Zealand
 

[shaun]

There was a couple who had been married for over 30 years.  The man was happy but the wife was not.  She was fed up with his habits.  One such habit was that every morning when he woke up he would pass gas.  Now this wasn't any normal gas passing.  It was the loud shaking the rafters type.  It was also of the putrid smelling kind.  If the wife was in bed she would leave immediately and head for the kitchen to fix breakfast just to avoid the smell.

Everyday it was the same thing, over and over and over again for 30 plus years.  Whether she was in bed or downstairs in the kitchen, when her husband appeared she would tell him the same thing.  She would say, "Dear, one of the days you are going to do that and your insides are going to come right out of your butt."  He would say, "Yah.. I know... you say it every day."  He would silently chuckle to himself.  He took great delight in annoying her.

It was bright and early one Thanksgiving morning and the wife was down in the kitchen 2 hours early to prepare the Thanksgiving turkey.  Many guests would be over later.  She was taking the insides of the turkey out when what she though was a marvelous idea struck her.

She took the guts and gizzard and put them in the microwave.  She warmed them up to body temperature.  She gently went back upstairs to their bedroom.  As quietly and gently as possible she pealed back the covers on her husbands side of the bed.  She was being extra careful as to not wake him.  She reached down and pealed his underwear back exposing his manhood and gently placed the guts and gizzard underneath his balls between his legs.  Gently she put everything back to normal and crept slowly back downstairs.  She was snickering like a school girl and waited with anticipation for 30 minutes before the alarm clock went off.

30 minutes later the alarm went off.  There was a loud earth shattering sound of flatulence, shortly thereafter followed by and equally as loud scream by her husband.    There was quite a commotion upstairs.  The wife laughed and laughed.  She tried hard to contain herself but it was too funny.  She had got even after all of these years.  Then she heard him walking around upstairs followed by him taking a shower.

About 1 your later he came downstairs as his wife was working over the sink.  He walked up to her and kissed her on the back of the head.  She could barely contain herself.  He said, "Honey, I will never doubt you again.  You absolutely know what you are talking about and I will stop farting every morning when I wake up.  You see this morning I farted and just like you said, my insides fell out...  But by the grace of God and these two fingers I got everything back in."

[David5o]

.

English Weather ??‏

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as .....''English Weather..'

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'

In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite

[Bee964]

Joke

[David5o]

Ever Wondered What Is The Point?






Click on picture to enlarge...
 
They may sing and they may dance but one things for Sure, ....They are NOT the Spice Girls!!!!
 

[David5o]

,

Clever Dog....

A man waiting in a queue at a grocers notices a dog in the line with a bag attached to its back and a note in it’s mouth. When the dog gets to the front of the queue he puts his front paws on the counter and the man behind the counter takes the note, reads it and proceeds to fill the order. When the order is complete he places the items in the dogs bag and waits. The dog reaches into a side pocket and produces a wallet. He counts out the correct amount of money, counts his change, gives the grocer a nod and walks out of the shop.

The man still standing in the queue is amazed and decides to follow the dog to see where it lives. He notices the dog a few metres away by the side of the road at some traffic lights. The dog lifts up a paw and presses the button on the light and waits for them to change and promptly crosses as the man follows. As they walk along the pavement the dog notices an old lady has dropped her umbrella which he picks up and gives back to the lady. She thanks him and the dog nods to her and walks on. Several more fantastic things happen on the way home, which never ceases to amaze the man in tow.

Eventually the dog stops at the front gate of a house, opens it and walks up to the house. He gets up on his back legs once again and rings the doorbell and sits and waits for it to be opened. Suddenly the door flies and a big pot bellied man in a string vest rushes out and starts to punch and kick the dog. The man following cannot believe what he is seeing and rushes up to the house shouting at the man to stop.

“What are you doing” he screams “That is the most gifted dog I have ever seen and you are mistreating it. Why”.

The man beating the dog stops only long enough to shout, “ Before he went out I told the little shit to take his key”

[David5o]

.


Three from Paddy and Murphy


Murphy calls round to see his friend, Paddy, who's housebound with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are feckin freezin. Could you nip upstairs and fetch me slippers ?".
"No bother", says Murphy and runs upstairs, where he sees Paddy's stunning, 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello, girls. Yer pa sent me up to shag you both".
"Feck off, you liar" say the girls.
Murphy says, "I'll prove it to you, and shouts down the stairs,

"Both of them, Paddy ?."

"Of course both, ...What's the use of just f#cking one???!!!".

 
Farmers Paddy and Murphy had just finished ploughing a field, and were both sat in the tractor cab towing the plough behind them. Just as they exited the field through a gate, and were broadside across the narrow country lane, a sports car came round the bend at high speed! Seeing the lane completely blocked, and going too fast to be able to stop, in order to avoid a collision with the hefty tractor and plough, the sports car driver steered through the gateway that Paddy and Murphy had just come out of. The car hit the lines of earth where the plough had been - rolled over 17 times, and burst into flames.
"Bejaysus" said Paddy to Murphy, "we only just got out of that field in time!"


Paddy and Murphy are having a few pints in their local, when Paddy realises he's going to be late home. As he had previously promised his wife that he wouldn't be late, he decided to ring her with an excuse. When he rejoined Murphy in the bar, he said "Bejaysus Murphy, you won't believe what I've just heard! I was phoning the wife when I must have got a crossed line, and I heard someone saying that they're going to assassinate the Pope tomorrow."
"Paddy me boy" says Murphy, "we can make a fortune out of this information. Get yourself into the bookies, and put all of our money on the Pope being murdered tomorrow." Off went Paddy into the nearest bookies, and placed the bet at odds of 1000/1.
The following day, they were both in the pub again just as the lunchtime news came on the radio. A grim sounding newscaster announced the breaking news that the Pope had been shot and killed on the balcony of the Vatican. "We're rich, we're rich!" cried Murphy ...........
"Not just yet" said Paddy, "I've done him as a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury"

[David5o]

What!!...NO SEX??

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

===============================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[David5o]

Here are 39 Phrases of Wisdom...
 

01. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

02. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

03. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

04. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

05. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

06. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

07. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

08. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

09. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[David5o]

Harsh But Fair


Well, .....this is a novel way to dump the girlfriend!!!  lol!!


http://www.filecabi.net/video/radio-dumper.html

[David5o]

.



Retired People....

An Oldie, ...but can still bring a grin to your face!!!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care at all. I always come into town by my local bus. ....I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. I think It's important at my age.....

[David5o]

.

The Post Mortem

A Pathologist turned up for work, and asked his mortuary assistant what they had in store for that day. "We had three in last night" he replied, "all men".
"Ok" said the Pathologist, "let's get cracking".
Viewing the bodies, the Pathologist noticed that all three cadavers had wide smiles on their faces. "Do we know their history?" he asked. "Well, the first one is an 87 year old Frenchman, and he died whilst making love to his 18 year old bride, died happy, so hence the smile". "What about this one?" he said, pointing to the second body. "Ah, he was a Scotsman, and he won the lottery, and spent all his money on whisky and women, and died happy, hence the smile".
"And the third one?" inquired the Pathologist. "That's Paddy" replied the assistant, "He died after being struck by lightening". "Well why was he smiling about that?" asked the Pathologist. '' he thought he was having his photo taken!"

[David5o]

.

American in the UK...

A young American Back-Packer is on a train from london to Glasgow.
As the train moves away from the platform, and he starts looking for a seat.
The train is full but he does come to a section, where there's one seat available, but there's a small dog sitting on it, so he politely asks the lady, "excuse me ma'am, could you please move your dog, so that I can sit down".
The lady says, "NO, this seat is for my dog, so go along and find a seat elsewhere".
So the young American leaves to look for a seat at a different wagon, but soon comes back and says to the lady, "ma'am, the whole train is full, so could you please move your dog, so that I can sit down".
Once again the lady says "NO".
So the young American picks up the dog and throws it out of the moving train, and sits down.
An elderly Gentleman who was sitting across him say" you know, you Americans always do the wrong things".
First, you drive on the wrong side of the road.
Second, you always elect the wrong President and now, you have thrown the wrong Bitch out of the window

[David5o]

.

Phil and Eric

Two builders ( Phil and Eric ) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then.
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er...mmm. well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it.
Phil: - It's a pond.
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house, it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are, Quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not m*sturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive....thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a Logical Scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker!!!.