JUST FOR A LAUGH

[RobertBfrom aust]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed apparently
a little intoxicated & bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped off all her clothes, rolled the dice, & yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up & down, & squealed...
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers & then picked up her winnings & her clothes &quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -
              Not all Irish are drunks,
              Not all blondes are dumb,
              But all men... Are men

[Bee964]

Subject: GED test...
Here is another reason that teachers drink!!!!!!

GED Test

ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) and they WILL breed.

Q Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow   (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..  (wtf!)                                                 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.  (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.   (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. The y always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

 Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[RobertBfrom aust]

 

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark, and they swam to the ship.


 "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,
 "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you frighten the shit out of them first."

 
 

 
 
 

[Bee964]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....... That is a good one Robert!!! 


Dave C

[Mikael_Shim]

The first 2 ones had me cracking up until my stomach hurts.

Did anyone else notice it seems the ? and the oddly placed commas and punctuations adds significantly
to the effect due to the specific phase they make u read it at. They dont appear as funny in clear text. Still funny though .. 

Ill add some after a good nights sleep.... too tired now. great thread !

[Bee964]

Subject: The Wedding Ring


 
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring
cut off from his penis.
                                                     

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you are married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
           
            Tough call. You decide.
 
 
Dave C

[David E]

Here is one for the Poms...originally by Ronnie Barker.....

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and    shivelling shot.  At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, And the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.  Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame That fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud Had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a Knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and A hig bard on. He tried the  slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.  The pransome  hince Lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived in hers with a follen swanny. RIP

[ttwjr32]

 A man who absolutely hated his wifes cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from the house and leaving him in the park. As he was nearing home , the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day , he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks from the house and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway ,there was the cat! So he kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive the cat a few miles away,turn right,then left,pass the bridge,then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from the house and he left the cat there.

Hours later he called his wife  and asked Jen is the cat home? Yes the wife answered. Why do you ask??
Frustrated the man said;Put that lousy cat on the phone. I am lost and need directions.

[Arnold]

www.cafepress.com/GeezerShop

for the Baby Boomer's and the over the Hill Gang .

[Jan]

http://wimp.com/funniestgoal/

Awesome football goal 

[Arnold]

  hahahahahaha .. oh my ! Now that is using your " HEAD " .

[Jan]

Why is beer so good for us?

[attachimg=1]

[RobertBfrom aust]

Subject: A Homeless Man's funeral .]

 

 

> >??A Homeless Man's funeral . . .
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
> >>> director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
> >>> family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
> >>> the Kentucky back country.
> >>>
> >>> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
> >>> typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
> >>> late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
> >>> nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they
> >>> were eating lunch.
> >>>
> >>> I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
> >>> side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
> >>> place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
> >>>
> >>> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
> >>> played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
> >>> I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
> >>> played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
> >>> we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
> >>> started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
> >>>
> >>> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
> >>> never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
> >>> tanks for twenty years."
> >>>
> >>> Apparently I'm still lost....
> >>

[RobertBfrom aust]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,   



 



 

 

 

 

 

 




“What's for dinner, Zorro?"


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[Scottish_Rob]

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA Robert that was BRILLIANT