Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 281213 times)

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Offline shaun

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #915 on: June 01, 2011, 04:17:41 pm »
Love the video.  It makes too much sense.

Offline Philip

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #916 on: June 02, 2011, 06:33:28 am »
Fancy a nice cushy job in Hunan province? This one could be the height of your ambition. ;D http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13274947#

Offline shaun

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #917 on: June 02, 2011, 07:13:37 am »
Where do I apply????     NOT!!!!

Offline Clayton

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #918 on: June 09, 2011, 09:54:15 pm »
Thanks for the video link David E, I just sent it to all my friends.
This is the way to go

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #919 on: June 14, 2011, 05:36:25 am »
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought 'what the heck' and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said "I have some really great news!" I said "Great. Tell me why you're so happy?" She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said "There's more!" I asked "What do you mean there's more?" She said "Well, we are not having just one baby... we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said "Well, that was the easy part. I went to the pharmacy and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!!"

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #920 on: June 14, 2011, 05:57:03 am »
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the emu, "What's yours?"
"Sounds great, I'll have the same" says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke." The emu says, "Sounds great, I'll have the same." Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?" "Well, love" says the truckie, "a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?" The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say".

Offline shaun

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #921 on: June 14, 2011, 07:08:54 am »
Those are too funny John.

Offline Sylvain D

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #922 on: June 14, 2011, 08:24:37 am »
From those who know about the famous Star Wars "replicas' or "sentences".





- Let's Rock -

Offline Sylvain D

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #923 on: June 15, 2011, 07:09:03 am »
A monkey goes into a bar and aks for bananas.
The Barman looks at him, then says :
"we don't have bananas"
Then, the monkey asks again :
"do you have bananas?"
"No, we don't have bananas"
"Do you have bananas ?"
"No, I told you, we don't have bananas, so please don't ask if we have bananes once again, or I'll shut your mouth with nails, ok?"
"Ok ok... do you have nails?"
"No"
"Do you have bananas?"
- Let's Rock -

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #924 on: June 15, 2011, 09:44:06 am »
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy snaps into action and quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the nearest hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy could hardly believe it but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on the same bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". Sure enough, there's Mick doing some serious work on the treadmill.

The next day Mick is back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says "He's dead". Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in". "No" says the nurse "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

Offline RobertBfrom aust

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #925 on: June 19, 2011, 06:37:50 am »
A laugh or 2 .

 


 
   
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd  think at least one of them would have seen  it.
 
 
 
2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...'
 
 
 
3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I  can clearly see you're  nuts.'
 
 
 
4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn't find any.
 
 
 
5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too  high.'
 
 
 
6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in.
 
 
 
7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't  feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off'.
 
 
 
8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
 
 
 
9. Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit  a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can't have your kayak and heat  it.
 
 
 
10. Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself.
 
 
 
11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some  cream to put on it.'
 
 
 
12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass  of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
 
'Is it common?'
'It's not  unusual.'
 
 
 
13. A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look  at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's  really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the  doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you  start.'
 
 
 
15. Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom!
 
 
 
16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh.
 
 
 
17..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure,  you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it..'
 
 
 
18. Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are  5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother  Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But  I think it's Colin.
 
 
 
19. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your  round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat  bastard!'
 
 
 
20.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was  drinking battery acid, and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other one  off.
 
 
 
21. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was  nice.'
 
 
 
22.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt  my arm in several places'
The doctor said,  'Well don't go there  anymore'
 
 
 
23.. Ireland 's  worst air disaster occurred early this morning  when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that  number to climb as digging continues into the  night.
 
Now it is early to bed and late to rise .
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Offline RobertBfrom aust

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #926 on: June 19, 2011, 06:53:52 am »
Well I am silly enough to read them .

 





 



A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


>   

>
 


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

>

>


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
>

>

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

>


>

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

>

>

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

>

>


The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


>

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

>

>

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


>




>

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

>

>

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

>



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

>



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

>

>

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... Theman requests the key to the stone door.

>

>

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

>

>

>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

>

>

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

>


>

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

>

>

... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

>




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

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Offline Kiwi303

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #927 on: June 19, 2011, 09:36:42 am »
Heh, I can tell you what's behind the noise... 


Revelations 21, Vs 19-20

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #928 on: June 19, 2011, 10:37:20 am »
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments. David, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I."

The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it." "Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times..."

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #929 on: June 19, 2011, 10:39:09 am »
Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it" said the man "tonight I'm the designated decoy".