Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 276893 times)

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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1515 on: February 27, 2016, 11:46:57 pm »
Now I know where my favorite came from....

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1516 on: February 28, 2016, 12:07:00 am »
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." 

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test.
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using
numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to
draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the
Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.
'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?'

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere
you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!'

(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So
now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?


Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1517 on: February 28, 2016, 12:17:56 am »
honesty

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1518 on: March 09, 2016, 12:31:48 am »
here goes to all you old duffs...............



All drugs have two names, a trade
name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol
and its generic name is
Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called
Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and
Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a
generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a
team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled
on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that
Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed
by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man
to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Of note, there is
more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there
should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what
to do with them.


Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1519 on: March 09, 2016, 12:39:57 am »
This past weekend was warm enough to get the bikes out and enjoy spring like weather. Well a group of Pekin , Illinois
bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped. The leader, George,
a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before
you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
immediately by another one.

After they were done, George said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

Its unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1520 on: March 09, 2016, 12:45:56 am »
The Great Lao-Tzu said:

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your
testicles that you come to realize that there can be
value in solving problems without using violence.”

Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1521 on: March 09, 2016, 08:31:43 pm »
An elderly man was out for his morning stroll. While passing the lake he heard a woman's voice: "Somebody please help me!!! ".

He looked around and saw no one so he started to walk on and then heard the same voice again: "Somebody please help me!!!".

He walked up to the water's edge and looked again. Nothing. As he turned to walk away he heard the woman's voice again. "Kind Sir, I'm down here. Will you help me?"

He looked down and saw a frog sitting on a lilly pad. He picked the frog up and ask: "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said: "Yes sir. I was once a beautiful princess. I angered a bad witch and she cast an ugly spell on me and turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is for a man to kiss me on the lips. If you will kiss me I will return to being a beautiful princess again. I will take care of you and serve you for the rest of your life."

The old man gently put the frog in his shirt pocket and said: "At my age, I would rather have a talking frog."
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
https://chinaandfriends.shutterfly.com/pictures
http://www.youtube.com/user/gerrypineau/videos
http://youtu.be/zG4eoONlutE

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1522 on: March 23, 2016, 07:50:28 am »

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1523 on: March 26, 2016, 09:40:24 am »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1524 on: March 26, 2016, 04:13:46 pm »
Who should I vote for?
« Last Edit: March 26, 2016, 04:18:10 pm by JohnB »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1525 on: May 30, 2016, 02:36:02 pm »
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a
Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids
to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first
person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off."
said the teacher.
'Who is creditted with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that
is the question'?"
asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our
culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday
studying hard.'
said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was
Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take
time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on
Monday studying hard too."
said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Them F***ing Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ............"

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1526 on: May 30, 2016, 03:18:14 pm »
Selfies

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1527 on: May 30, 2016, 03:20:06 pm »
Darcy Oake's Jaw-Dropping Dove Illusions 
Do not miss the last scene
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO_KyTtJg10

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1528 on: August 21, 2016, 03:36:07 am »
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE......

Do you know what happened 166 years ago this summer....    June 9, 1850
California became a state!
The people had no electricity, the state had no money
and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.






Heaven or Hell...your choice...
What? No 3rd choice?..

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!
"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.
Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.
"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1529 on: August 21, 2016, 03:54:35 am »