Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 189826 times)

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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1665 on: November 02, 2017, 08:03:57 PM »

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'


So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'


Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'


Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?'
They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'


There. That, should piss off just about everybody.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1666 on: November 02, 2017, 08:09:31 PM »
 
I got my concealed gun permit yesterday and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to
get a small 9mm pistol. When I was ready to pay for the gun and ammo, the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about
the gun control wackos, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking
stopped and the security guard arrived, I found out she was referring to how I should
place my credit card in the card reader.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions
to seniors a little clearer.

PS: I still don't think I looked that bad.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1667 on: November 02, 2017, 08:14:34 PM »




Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1668 on: November 02, 2017, 08:17:45 PM »

 


Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1669 on: November 10, 2017, 03:38:27 PM »
A chinese meme
« Last Edit: November 10, 2017, 04:04:18 PM by Pineau »
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
https://chinaandfriends.shutterfly.com/pictures
http://www.youtube.com/user/gerrypineau/videos
http://youtu.be/zG4eoONlutE

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1670 on: November 10, 2017, 07:27:04 PM »
 ;D
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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1671 on: November 10, 2017, 07:37:26 PM »




Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1672 on: November 10, 2017, 07:50:27 PM »

 
Hilarious and sometimes embarrassing moments in a doctor's practice.


1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . ......
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take
off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. .I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . '
Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

5.
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green and above it there was a tattoo that read .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN JAMESON

AND
FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . .

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor
to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed
or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk
.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'


Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1673 on: November 23, 2017, 11:48:41 AM »
HAPPY THANKSGIVING..........Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays
     Heat oven to 350 degrees
     Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated.
     Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
     Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;
 Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.
     Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue
     to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.
     If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should
     look like the one in the picture.
     Bon Appetit!
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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1674 on: November 23, 2017, 05:05:58 PM »

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the
parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed..

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my
rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 



Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1675 on: November 30, 2017, 12:29:46 PM »

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the
official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some
room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known
as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump
with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will
be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should
go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer,
ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of
a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes...   





Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1676 on: November 30, 2017, 01:04:23 PM »

It’s rivalry week. #WSU is one win away from the @pac12 title game.
But a reporter getting married in 9 days asked @Coach_Leach for wedding
advice tonight, and Leach’s answer was incredible. With my wedding under
10 days out, I figured why not ask coach Leach for some marriage advice.
I was expecting more of a big picture answer, but he had to make sure he
got me thru the big day first!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HNUrnCWHVI  

Coach Mike Leach, Washington State University




Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1677 on: December 01, 2017, 10:29:23 PM »
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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1678 on: December 05, 2017, 08:49:19 PM »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1679 on: December 06, 2017, 10:48:57 PM »