Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 200551 times)

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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1680 on: December 19, 2017, 10:43:42 PM »

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They
set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1681 on: December 19, 2017, 10:58:55 PM »


A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for
free in really good restaurants. "I simply go in at well past 9 pm, eat several
courses slowly, and linger over coffee, and dessert, until they are cleaning up.
I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night.'
And, because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and
I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be."
The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."
The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 4 star French restaurant.
They both eat like kings and, just as before, they are both sitting quietly after
enjoying their very full meal, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and the
rabbi a bill and asks them to pay. The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our
original waiter." (who apparently left for the evening).
And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"


Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1682 on: January 01, 2018, 10:37:37 AM »
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Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1683 on: January 16, 2018, 07:47:00 PM »
SINGLE BLONDE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity and age unimportant.
 I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
 I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
 Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
 Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
 I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
 Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
 [Over 15,000 men phoned in and found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old Golden Retriever.]
 .....MEN ARE SO EASY.....
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Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1684 on: January 18, 2018, 04:03:03 PM »
Robbertt. I had to steal that one
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
https://chinaandfriends.shutterfly.com/pictures
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http://youtu.be/zG4eoONlutE

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1685 on: January 19, 2018, 09:07:18 PM »

Cinderella was now 75 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince,
she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
called Alan for companionship.

...
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the
Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella,
since you have lived a good, wholesome life since
we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered
her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly,
her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella
was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her
lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What
does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish
I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once,
her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for
years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish,
what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat
in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat
into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in
his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her,
a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever
seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy
your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect
boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with
his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"


Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1686 on: January 19, 2018, 09:16:03 PM »

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine
in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I
still think my thumb's broken!'


Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1687 on: January 19, 2018, 09:19:36 PM »

First year students at Medical School were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class...
by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should
not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

doctor "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
anus of the corpse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and
told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention!"


Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1688 on: January 19, 2018, 09:29:25 PM »

Ever noticed how deleting one word after another in a sentence can lead to a nice story ?

Here's an example:

"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at all .!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont..!"
"Oh Jack plz...!"
"Oh Jack.. !"
"Oh....!"
"O !"

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1689 on: January 24, 2018, 03:44:33 AM »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1690 on: February 05, 2018, 08:47:22 PM »

The difference between Oo and oO...

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."


On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."


"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is
your brain after drugs."


"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison …"

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1691 on: February 06, 2018, 07:27:03 PM »

The Rancher's Young Widow


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted young wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.
" The hired hand
readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it
to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1692 on: February 18, 2018, 10:05:38 PM »
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Offline Gus

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1693 on: February 19, 2018, 03:52:00 PM »
You guys are cracking me up! Happy year of the dog, New Year and Spring Festival.

Offline Rhonald

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1694 on: February 20, 2018, 08:52:17 AM »
Happy Chinese New Year to all. I helped man a booth for my wife at our city's Chinese Culture Center. She had a few Guzhengs on display and was advertising her Music center hoping to get some new students. I wished many a Happy New Year but warned that it would be a rough year ahead.

Many  debated my perceived pessimism until I needed to explain - Year of the Dog - its gonna be a ROOF ROOF year ahead!

As a side note, our weekend here was very cold with snow and slippery roads, making it truly rough driving conditions.
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