Trouble in Paradise

[Philip]

I just hope your lady will understand your point of view about it, and can easily "accept" it

Thanks Sylvain, and everyone,
I received this reply just now. Here is the Chinese.
?,??,???,??.
I don't completely understand the translation:
The great amount cost is local place because of our registered permanent residence is absent; But, my brothers all are not to be in the same direction job; Must need to shift to an earlier date the place inviting them to arrive at us; All thing and person will all be arranged for coming self by us.

She has two brothers. They live with their families in the south of China. Her actual home town is Chang Ning, a town in Hunan province some distance from Changsha. But I still don't understand the high figure. At least she's talking to me. She wasn't this morning. She was suggesting I cancel my trip. Ouch!

[Vince G]

High cost is because we account not local, but my brothers are not in the same direction, it is necessary to advance to invite them to our place, all the things and people by our own to arrange.

[Martin]

I sent you a PM, but here is the information for the bother brothers.  My wedding had around 240 people.  There were 9 cars in our convoy.  Wedding dress, traditional dress, big meal...all the fixings.  My wedding was around 20 000 RMB.

My wifes brother just had a very big wedding.  400+ at the main wedding ceremony.  There was also a lunch wedding meal in his wife's hometown, with over 100 people.  This was a 6 hour drive away, and his wedding costs included the cars, gas, and accommodations for those if us that traveled in this convoy.  His total cost of the wedding was 40 000 RMB.

Like Chong mentioned, people will give Red Envelopes.  I don't know if this is more popular in Hunan than Guangdong.  This was also my wife's and my new sister in laws first wedding...so the Red Envelopes might produce more money in this instance...I don't know.  I don't remember the exact amount we got in RE's, but it pretty well covered the cost of the wedding.

I hope this helps.

[Arnold]

Phillip didn't mention if it was his Lady's first Wedding . Qing and myself had many Uncle's and Aunt's from her side of the Family present at our's . As far away as Beijing and not one or the other ever ask for us to pay for their Trip to Shanghai . This was Qing's second of course , as they were no Red Envelopes given by anyone . The only ones that received a Money Gift was her Parent's , which they returned on my next Trip as Traveling Money to Beijing .
If a push comes to a shuff , tell your Lady you do the Registry Wedding there and the Ceremony here in your Country .. where it is much cheaper .
That your Family would love to have it here , where they can be present .
Ahh ... only my thought's of all this of course . This can throw a Wrench in anybody's gearwork .

[RegnisTheGreat]

Philip: 1) how long have you been talking to her? 2) have you gone to see her yet or is this the first time?

[David5o]

Arnold,

Like myself, you missed the bit where he did actually mention in his post that she had 2 children, so you can basically take it that she has been previously married.....
It's either the age thing creeping up on us, or we speed read to excess!!  haha!!

But then again, an awful lot of Chinese can't afford a wedding (ceremony/reception etc) and just go through the marriage registration.... and maybe just have a restaurant dinner with a few close friends and the parents!!

David....

[Danny]

Philip

My YaYa's initial estimate of the cost of our wedding to come was 60,000 yuan.

We talked about it for a few letters and then she said she didn't want one at all. I think she was annoyed that I didn't just agree to the amount she had suggested. Mind you I didn't criticise it. I just talked about what I hoped for the wedding. I explained how that if I was to remarry here in Australia I would not have had a large wedding. I explained that when I married my first wife, it was quite modest and that we did lots of things to contain the cost (eg booking a restaurant directly and bringing our own drinks to the reception, rather than using one of the those expensive marriage reception places).

After that fuss died down we talked some more about it. I assured her that I wanted her to have a wedding day that she would look back fondly on. She sent me a new estimate costing 30,000 yuan.

Here is what it is made up of - I know this does not add up exactly, but this is the figure we're using at the moment:

Bride price to yaya's parents - Rmb10,000
Wedding dinner 2-3 tables - Rmb: 2400
Wedding candy - Rmb: 200
Wedding cigarette - Rmb: 500
My new suit - Rmb: 1000
Yaya's new dress - Rmb: 2000
Yaya's new shoes - Rmb: 1500
YaYa jewellery - Rmb: 5000
Hotel fee - Rmb: 1500
Quilt,sheet - Rmb?300
Wedding Photos - Rmb: 1,000

Hope you work it out.

I have no doubt there is a solution.

Whenever there is a problem ask for her help in trying to work it out. Rather than just refusing directly. Talk to her about it. If her parents are part of the decision making process (they are a big part of my life now), then involve them, and let them know about what it means having a wedding costing that much.

If it means a delay in having her coming across to live with you then they may be able to give something on the cost of the wedding.

If it is more important than anything else, then that's good to know too. You need to give serious consideration to that fact, if the wedding is that important to them.

On the assumption that this is not a maths problem, you may need to adjust your life plans to accommodate (as much as you are able and willing to do) her hopes and wishes.

Good luck on sorting this out. Don't let it steal all your happiness away. The wedding is important, but it's not nearly as important as the marriage and relationship itself.  

Danny

[Philip]

Philip: 1) how long have you been talking to her? 2) have you gone to see her yet or is this the first time?

I visited her at the end of October. We had a fantastic time. We had been EMFing and webcamming and QQing for six months before that. But now it seems she doubts my financial security because I am unwilling to pay the 200000 for the wedding. I have tried to tell her that I have a good teacher's wage in England, but I cannot seem to get through to her. My last chance could be her brother, who has helped us in the past

[Ed W]

But last night, she tells me she thinks the wedding will cost 200000 yuan.

Did she write this to you in English? or was it in Chinese and you stuffed it through a translating tool of sorts?

I've had google translate add zero's and decimal places many times in error.

[RegnisTheGreat]

Philip: ASK HER THIS

is this the amount you think for the wedding:

? is 2
? is 10
? is 10,000

so ?? is 20 (2x10 = 20)
?? = 100,000 (10*10,000 = 100,000)

so = 200,000 (2*10*10,000 = 200,000)

and ask for a YES or NO. Then there is no confusion about the amount.

[Buzz]

Danny, is this the price for the Red shoes, LOL.  buzz

[mustfocus]

I just hope your lady will understand your point of view about it, and can easily "accept" it

Thanks Sylvain, and everyone,
I received this reply just now. Here is the Chinese.
?,??,???,??.
I don't completely understand the translation:
The great amount cost is local place because of our registered permanent residence is absent; But, my brothers all are not to be in the same direction job; Must need to shift to an earlier date the place inviting them to arrive at us; All thing and person will all be arranged for coming self by us.

She has two brothers. They live with their families in the south of China. Her actual home town is Chang Ning, a town in Hunan province some distance from Changsha. But I still don't understand the high figure. At least she's talking to me. She wasn't this morning. She was suggesting I cancel my trip. Ouch!

From what I gather, because wherever she's living is not her home town, it will cost more (there has to be a way to get married if you can't go back to your home town for some reason and it MAY cost more).  It also appears that she wants to bring her brothers to whever you want to hold the wedding (that would also likely include their families and provide accomodations) and finally that this is all based on the two of you making all the arrangements.

[Paul Todd]

Hi Phillip,
I've just had a conversation with my wife about this. She says 200000 is not unusual here, close friends of her's have spent 500000 and 1000000 !:s  I was very surprised by this to say the least!  Ours cost about 50000 for everything and with the RE's we came out about 7000 ahead. Again much to my surprise we didn't pay for anything until after the wedding when all the RE's where in and we where give a very elaborate book detailing who gave what. So In fact thanks to the generosity of friends and family the wedding was free! Of course at the time I knew nothing about this at all!  Ming Zhi said that weddings at this kind of price where all about "face".
Best of luck in getting your lady to scale down her expectations, if she's told family and friends this is how the wedding will be, you have got a lot of work to do my friend. Step lightly.

[Cam]

Wow, is she bringing everyone from the south by private jet, at the most to bring ten people from say Shenzhen to Changsha would cost 2,300rmb in a sleeper berth on a train, it's only about 149rmb per night right in the center of the city mall at the 7 days inn per room & Changsha is a pretty cheap place to eat, why not suggest hiring one of the ferries to get married on........provided it's not winter. I think she must have added a 0 by mistake. If you're still not sure if she has the right figure maybe ask her to convert 1,800gbp & 18,000gbp into rmb and see which one she meant.

[Willy The Londoner]

When I see the prices you Guys are talking about then thank God that we are already together and I just need the red book to let me stay in China.

5,000 10,000 and 20,000 GBP's not rmb's - I would not pay that to get married in the UK let alone China.  Are you expecting Hello magazine (China edition) to pick up the bill for the photo rights to what must be lavish occasions?  

Next thing is they will be asking you to send half the money up front.

Ok if she has never been married before maybe there is an excuse - but how can those who have previously been married expect these lavish occasions when, if it was not for us foreigners, their chances of having another husband was very unlikely indeed.  

Willy