my love story

[john1964]

well guys it seems that things are not terminal like i thought, she has contacted me with a hundred texts and e,mails,  i brought a new phone and entered her number incorrectly so that was my fault and i also did not set up the message settings to well either, she thought that i was dissolving the relationship as i thought she was.
Technology, i have no understanding of it so i let my kids set things up now and things work perfectly, She had textd me so many times and was beside herself with worry, she was messaging me at all hours of the day and night and was pleading with me to not ever leave her, i have a flood of texts that all came to my phone straight after the proper settings were installed.
I really was so heart broken when the contact was severed and never want for us to go through that again, We are better than ever now and she has really opened up in her deepest feelings toward me in the text messages, Tomorrow she starts with the English lessons part time and she still wants to work full time during the day and on weekends, she tells me that it is the only way for her not to go stir crazy whilst we are apart from each other, She is not bothered about the apartment in Handan and i suggested that we will look in to this later as i would love to live in China for a few months every year when my two youngest have flown the coupe in a few years, she agrees that this is a good idea, She is still beside herself with excitement about the up and coming wedding celebration in September, maybe we will bring this event forward to May, she is over the moon with this idea, See how work goes over the next six weeks as it is very slow at this moment.
Well we are both getting good night sleeps now and she texts me every night when she and her room mate are home safe after their evening meal, all i ask for is daily contact to know she is safe , I have not had much luck with communication lately in both translators and technology too.
well Vince yes i jumped the gun a little,
David, (1) was right on the money, just a glitch,
halfpint, thanks for your comments too.

[shaun]

Really good to hear John.

[David E]

Whew !!! John

Good news...now we can all start breathing again.

  ....David

[Arnold]

All the things we have to endure , reading Member's Post's ? I certainly have emotions .. I never knew I had before the Forum . 

[Neil]

This is exactly the reason we appreciate when members also post about their painful experiences.  I know it's painful, but we can all learn a valuable lesson from this. 

I'm really glad things are working out.  It's a terrible reason to lose a relationship, over a misunderstanding.  I'm glad that's not the case here.  Good luck John.

[Paul Todd]

What would we do with our kids setting up all the tech for us! It was the same for my wife and I every time the web cam failed one of the kids would be summoned to fix it. They do have their uses  Good to hear all is well with  you now.

[halfpint]

Very glad to hear it was all a misunderstanding, or miscommunication.  Good lesson for us all to take our time and be patient.  Long distance relationships require that, it is so easy to get the wrong idea when you are thousands of kilometers apart.  When you cant see their faces, and the emotions they contain, its just so easy to take things the wrong way.

Carry on!

[john1964]

Thanks for the comments guys , i will take things as they come and not loose the faith of this lovely woman who is my wife, Question, Bride price or Dowry, any comments or info would be greatly appreciated, How much is to much and how much is to little, know you will have good advice and replies to this one,,Again, Thanks guys.

[shaun]

John,

All I can say is be careful what you do and the advice you take.  I am not saying people here will steer you wrong.  There is a huge varible here.  It is your wife.  It depends on what she and her family believe and the culture that surounds them.  So begin to ask questions.  I tried and didn't get anywhere.

Peggy told me whatever you think is alright with me.  Well, and I knew this already, it was not alright with her.  It turns out that her brother in law gave $30,000.00 US to the family.  I found this out only after I made my offer.  To say she was pissed is putting it mildly.  I thought it was over between us.  What did I offer?   1000RMB.  We finally settled at 10,000RMB.  About $1500.00 US.  It was a small cry from $30,000.00.  Her family talked some sense into her and here we are about to be together in the US.

Many will give you their best advice and they are not wrong but there is a price in the familys head and that will be like finding a needle in a haystack.


Sorry if I stole anyone's thunder.

[Martin]

Both Shawn and Mike are totally right here.  Every situation is different.  There are all sorts of variables.  City folk, or country folk.  Traditional or non traditional.  Divorced or never married.  Then there are actual dollar amounts that vary.  There is no right answer to give you.  Some guys didn't pay anything at all.  The best advice is, to talk to your girlfriend about this.  It is not an awkward conversation to have (at least I don't think so).  Be open and honest with her.  Find out if her family expects this.  If so, how much do they expect?  Can you afford this amount?  If not, discuss it with her.  She is the one that can help you in this department.

[Arnold]

I must confess , that I somewhat feel like a Cheapskate here on this subject . Firstly , I gave as mentioned before 3,500 RMB to the Parents . What I did that wasn't too cool , was on Qing's Brother B-day .. I send him a Card with a 100 RMB in it and told him .. to have a Beer on me . So talking to my LaoPo , she said .. if this was anybody else ( not Family ) he would have thrown this straight into the Trash . I just went by our western standards , so thought this was okay . They really don't expect anything less than a 1000 RMB for anything .
Example : On Spring Festival , Qing's Son was the big winner .. 7000 from his Father - 3500 from Qing's Brother and on like that .. down the Family that lives nearby .

[David E]

John

My Wife and I discussed the "Dowry" issue in great detail. Her Parents made no requirements on me because it was her second marriage. But after discussion I decided to give them 10,000 RMB as a nice gesture...they were over the Moon with this and it was a good outcome all round.

Have a talk with your Lady and come up with what suits everybody.

[Willy The Londoner]

What did In give to my wifes parents when we married - in short nothing.

It was her second marriage and nothing was asked for and nothing offered. 
Although six months later I paid for her father cataract operations. Why?   Because I could.  Not asked for by wife or anyone I just did it.  Just seeing him able to watch TV without having to hold his eyes to get any sort of view was worth more than money.

Why does anyone have to give money after they have  had one failure in marriage?   Beats me.  My thoughts are is that is a bit like bragging 'look at the rich man I caught"  when really the average guy struggles to get the money together.

Willy

[halfpint]

This is the 1st i've heard of a "dowry" to marry in China.  Don't quite know what to think of it except I sure like what Willy did.

[john1964]

Hey guys and girls, Again thanks for the insight / advice about the dowry, I will speak to MinYing about this and see what she thinks as i do not want to offend the family not one bit.
Well she started her ying yu classes (English) yesterday and she did not arrive home till late and was a little hungry when she got home but still gave me the nightly texts , As of yet i do not know how often she has them but i will ask tonight when i send my weekly e,mail to chnlove, Yes we still use them for the important questions twice a week but we have more contact now with the messages and phone calls.
She is always happy to talk with me and the laughter flows easily when we do talk as we can practice our Chinglish together, She is a quick learner and can now pronounce my children s names perfectly and knows their ages and other minor things too.
My youngest daughter Sarah often writes a few lines to her just telling her that she wants her here as soon as possible and MinYing has made the promise to teach Sarah how to cook the Chinese food, They are both excited about this, Every day my son Aaron asks me if i have contacted MinYing today, he too wants her here with us.
At the moment i have limited work as there is a quiet spell here in Perth with the commercial building, I am a commercial window fixer by trade and have not experienced such quiet times before , Things will get better!!!
Well it must be about 11 weeks until i am back in China now(but whos counting?) MinYings new boss is great, She started her new job not long before we was together in December and the boss allowed her the month off to be with me, Now when i return she has also granted her the time off to be with me again even though it is a busy beauticians salon,  MinYing is going to meet me in Beijing and we are going to spend a couple of days there and then return to Handan where i have to spend more time with the family so we can all get to know each other better, Yum, Home cooked Chinese food, The family always put on a feast.
Well she is on my mind from the time i wake until i sleep, Most of you know how i am feeling right now but i must be patient, There is a light at the end of the tunnel and the prize is waiting for me, Thanks again for listening to me dribble on but i think this forum is for us all to read about other members painful experiences and emotions just like Neil and Arnold wrote, cheers guys and girls.