Author Topic: Little Emperors - Mk 11  (Read 11338 times)

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Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #30 on: June 28, 2014, 11:42:47 pm »

The awful realisation is beginning to dawn on me (maybe my paranoia showing, or maybe a glimmer of truth) that she has deliberately snared a Western husband with the sole purpose of getting her Son out of China and into a new life..........I did not think I was ever that gullible to fall for such a fraud....but I am not so sure any more.


I don't see her motivation as you describe it here as "fraud" - of course trying to get a better life for herself and her son is something she is hoping to get out of marrying a foreigner. That is a basic human desire and there is nnothing sneaky about it.

I feel sorry you had to resort to a ultimatum and to bring divorce on the table.

I have no idea who or what yvictor is as he gives no information as to who he or she is and where he or she is from or either the age of him or her!

But I think that I having followed David E and his foray into China for several years then probably he will have given a lot of thought for saying what he did.

Willy



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Offline David E

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #31 on: June 30, 2014, 12:14:09 am »
It's OK Willy....one of the good things about our Forum is the right of anybody to have an opinion !!!

YVictor sees my dilemma from only one perspective....he knows not 10% of the detail of what prompted me to share my concerns with a bunch of people who listen to my ramblings and whose opinions I seek and respect.

I try to rationalise in my mind why my wife of 3 years who was well into a REAL integration into life in Aus, and who seemed to be relishing the situation of living in a society that allowed her the freedom to be an individual and a society that
did not feel slavishly bound to the ancient Chinese fashion of utter hero worship of Sons at all costs....even to the point of accepting being treated as a slave, at his every beck and call...it's just not Australian  >:( :-* :-* :-*...
to then turn around and INSTANTLY adopt the traditional role with the Little Emperor...it got me very confused...so I imagine many things, sinister motives are just one of my imaginings.. !!!!

Be that as it may, divorce is only on the table because I am old enough to understand and accept that marriage is a 2 way street...based on mutual respect and many other things that take 2 people to manage.
Once respect has gone....nothing more matters much in a relationship and it is better for all concerned to walk away...the alternative is a slow emotional death...been there, done that !!!

Offline yvictor

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #32 on: June 30, 2014, 07:14:23 am »
I now remember reading in the past about your trouble caused by religious zealots influencing your wife, David - but I admit I didn't put two and two together when I wrote my previous post in this thread.

I didn't mean criticizing your decision to divorce or not, but the decision to give her an ultimatum, and the only reason is that I don't think ultimatums work in a marriage. They may work between adults and kids, but not between two adults, since no one likes to be given an ultimatum.

Also, I didn't like the advice given by some in this thread, along the lines of "you are the bread-winner so she should listen to you". That is the worst marriage counseling advice I ever heard, hands down  :)
The way to persuade a spouse is by logical arguments, not by force - what if the balance changes in the future, is David supposed to not stick to the common-sense arguments he has just because he would not be the main bread-winner anymore? I don't think so, so why use a heavy handed argument in the first place when one can use logical arguments?


Offline ChinaBound

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #33 on: July 09, 2014, 07:04:59 am »
 Sometimes ultimatums are a good thing because better things come your way after hard decisions.

Offline Axiom

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #34 on: June 27, 2015, 09:09:51 pm »
Have not heard from David E in almost a year.

How did this finally turn out?

Offline David E

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #35 on: June 30, 2015, 07:25:09 pm »
It finally turned out by me kicking him out of our home....together with a firm and irrevocable warning to my Wife that this particular episode was finished.
If she was unable to accept a "normal" Western type relationship with her/me/her son, then there would be NO relationship between us...period !!!!

He now lives in his own apartment (shared with 3 of his friends), has got a job and has a normal and healthy contact with his Mother.

I cant say that my relationship with his mother has fully recovered...maybe it never will, who knows.

Whether or not, our marriage can ultimately survive this latest drama is not clear just yet. On top of all the other catastrophies with the religious cranks, the whole thing has proven to be a very large mountain to climb.

When I consider just how much (emotionally and practically and financially) that I have put into this relationship, I am now close to accepting that it was not worth it...the cultural discrepancies are just too large.

Offline Pineau

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #36 on: July 02, 2015, 12:11:18 am »
David, You did the right thing. good or bad outcome, something had to give. You did all that you could and still did not get any help or respect. I hope for the best but even if it turns out bad you need this. You have been through a lot. I just wish I had the gumption to do it when Jason (jings kid) was acting like a monster.  Three cheers and prayers for you.
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Offline Axiom

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #37 on: July 04, 2015, 10:43:58 pm »
I agree, you did the right thing.

If they want to move into YOUR home and YOUR country, they need to play by YOUR rules. When I moved to China, it would have been crazy to expect China to change to meet my terms. The rules apply to everyone.

Wish you the best.

Offline JohnB

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #38 on: July 05, 2015, 11:43:32 am »
David,
going back to day1 it seems like your method was successful.
"He now lives in his own apartment (shared with 3 of his friends), has got a job and has a normal
and healthy contact with his Mother."

there are varying amounts of one's resistance to adaptability given the circumstances.
he has shown a maturity in a new land, a job, and paying his fair share of the apartment rent. 
all this in a bit over 1 year, I think you did well... 
after all, life's game is one's successful adaptation to it.
« Last Edit: July 05, 2015, 12:12:02 pm by JohnB »

Offline David E

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #39 on: July 05, 2015, 08:09:15 pm »
The main impediment to any change in his behaviour was how to overcome umpteen generations of cultural conditioning that reinforced his own opinion that this behaviour was acceptable in a new and changed environment.

Neither was it my wish nor intent to simply brutalise him into a change that he neither accepted or understood....a process that I am quite capable of, but recognised it would be a real cruelty.

The actual impediment was his Mother !!!! The boy himself, with a lot of influence around him from 1st, 2nd and 3rd generation Chinese "Aussies" - his mates, was trying very hard to come to grips with this new reality. But Mother, being older, more imprinted with the "old" culture could not let go. She , in fact was rigidly hanging on to the old " Chinese" methods of managing a son, the Little Emperor method.

So it was more for the purpose of separating him from the daily, minute by minute incolvement of his Mother that I processed the ultimatum to manage his independance away from her.

You might argue that this was not my right...she can no more understand the innapropriate nature of her methodology , than I can accept it !! But something had to give....and on balance I truly believed that his best chance to survive and thrive in this new environment was to have a level of independance of thought and action that was generated outside of his Mother's influence and yet did not separate him entirely from his family/cultural and support network background...ie he always has a back-stop.

Only time will tell what was right or wrong, but to continue along the same path would have destroyed 3 lives.....this way may be only one or two   :-[ :-[ :-[

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: Little Emperors - Mk 11
« Reply #40 on: July 05, 2015, 10:57:10 pm »
I must admit my relationship with my step son has been far better since he moved away from here and to a different city.

He comes to stay with us as and when. He now holds down a good job is looking to buy a car and so much has the relationship blossomed I have offered to lend him the money at a far more preferred rate that the bank was offering! 

From being a 'loner' he now has a wide number of friends and has one particular girlfriend. 

What I find unusual is that when a couple are going out the other person in the relationship does not appear to be presented to parents until such time as they decide to marry.  This applies not only to him but also to his older sister who has is now living with her boyfriend and, as yet, not made any plans for marriage.

Has anyone else found this to be so.

Willy

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