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Pandora's box?

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fivetrout:
Hi men!

First! Ok, I've been completely loyal and committed to Hong for a year and a half. I'm going to go and see her at around the end of Sept when it's a bit cooler. We have had our ups and downs about money and buying houses. She is very stubborn on this issue. I tell her we should work on buying a house in the states, she has a need to have one in China first. Since our communication is at best crazy, I think there's some incentive for her at retirement? From government? Or her job at Dongfeng Motor Corp? Is this a possibility? Anyway, she tells me Wuhan will become a big player in future economics and the airport a new hub for international flights making a home purchase a really smart investment. I tell her I lost my ass with the housing crash in the states a few years back like millions, but this doesn't faze her.

Secondly! With this uncertainty in our relation, I began to wonder about so many pros and cons I've read about concerning a back-up plan, just in case this all goes downhill in a flash. We do love one another but some hills might be to tall to climb! For curiosity, entertainment and enlightenment I started looking around at chineselovelinks. In just a week I've met some beautiful and interesting women (I discount the girls) haha My profile clearly states...I've been writing romantically to just one woman, and for a long time, but are open to writing to others on a friendly level only. However! My box is full of letters now, from some very sweet and gorgeous ladies in which my intuitions tells me are mostly legit and very sincere. The young hotties I just tease! haha

So, am I in this boat alone? How many others here have strayed a little. If things go south, or with marriage...is it a bad plan to have "friends" to call on as back-ups?

Chris

Willy The Londoner:
She is protecting her future.  She goes to USA with you and should things go wrong she has nothing in China to return to.  However a home in China will be her home. There are only 2 or three cities in China where foreigners can be the owner or part owner of a home and Wuhan is not one of them.

Plus it would appear that you have not your own house in the USA now. Not many Chinese women what to move into rented accommodation when moving out of China. There is no security in that for them. There is definately no kudos for them to tell their friends in China that they will be living in a rented home!

Plus the phrase 'We should Work on buying a house in US'  That makes her think you want her in the USA to work so that you can pay for a house basically for you there. No wonder she wants a house in China first.

There has not been many who have come on here and spoken of the uncertainty in a relationship after such a long period.
However the fact that you have been 'committed' for 18 months then why are you playing games with others?   Maybe she has sensed the reservations you have! 18 months or more is a long time to wait to finally meet someone face to face for the first time.

I think that any further opinions I have on this should be put in obeyance in the sake of forum harmony.

Willy

fivetrout:
Hi Willy, belated birthday!
I understand the security thing for her, but working is her idea. I suggested after she is here we can plan for something in china for our future retirement. She also loves Weihai and has looked there. I know property in china for Americans is tricky and I wouldn't venture the idea unless I am secure in the relationship. Unfortunately for me...love in measured in $$ to her it seems... and I have a problem with that. I have always been committed to her, and will fully continue, but it is from her perspective that I only have... and members input. I'm just thinking out loud for the most part...and not leading anyone on!

IrishGuy65:
I don't have as much time in as you, or anyone else here.  But maybe what's going on with me can give you some insight into your own situation.

My girl and I have been talking since February.  I can't say I've fallen in love with her yet, because I believe we really need to meet face to face and spend some time together to verify any 'internet' feelings we have.  But I do feel she is a very special woman and she already has a place in my life and my heart.  I am making the trip next week, and hope things go well with us.  After this trip, I hope we are sure, and secure, in our feelings and relationship.

Anyway, we've talked about the future quite a bit.  I know she cares for me and has deep feelings.  However, there is so much uncertainty about moving to a new country and starting a new life.  It is very, very hard for many of these women that have never seen much changes in their life.  My understanding is that, in China, renting a place is not permanent.  In fact, the lease is not completely ironclad, and so you could get kicked out of your rental with little notice.  That's not really a way to live.  And this scares Chinese women.  They want you to have a place of your own so that there is one less thing they need to worry about in moving to the USA for you.  Look at it from her perspective. It's a frightening thing, moving so far away, from all your friends, relatives, comfortable life... to somewhere that you don't know anyone, the language is different, and you have to depend on someone else.

Anyway, my girl has explained many things to me about moving to the USA with me.  She has explained why a house is so important to her.  She's lived in the same place a long, long time.  She's not used to moving around.  She wants a place that she can call home, and know that it will always be home. In a world of chaos and confusion and the unknown, it is a steady, secure, and sure place that never changes.   It is important.  You say love is all about money to her.  I don't know her or the situation, but think of why these things are important.  Western women, in my experience, don't care about the security as much as the 'wow' factor.  They want the fancy car and big house and expensive clothes.  Chinese women just want to know they are going to be secure when they move here.  A house, not a big fancy house, seems to be all she wants.  That doesn't seem like an outlandish request to me.  For myself, I rent also.  I am putting money aside to buy a house for her.  In the end, I will be paying the same in mortgage as I'm paying in rent... less actually.  So, is it really a bad thing?  If you can commit to a relationship, you can commit to a house :)

Anyway, they are coming to a situation where they basically have little knowledge and less control.  We have to take the time to give them a sense of permanence that will make them feel they can go to for solace and comfort.

Finally, you have to understand the difficulties in a long distance relationship.  It's going to be hard in many ways.  If you are looking for another woman, then this woman is probably not the right woman for you.  You should seriously consider your actions, and what they mean...  And either be fair and faithful to Hong, or let her down easy and move on. "Testing the waters" is a step away from cheating.  Too many Chinese women deal with this as part of their culture.  Don't do this.

Take all this with the knowledge that I am likely the least experienced person here as far as Chinese women go.  This is what I've learned from my girl and this forum.

fivetrout:
Hey all,
Some good points here to ponder. But a few are off the mark. Oh, she wants to come to the U.S. but not as much for her...but her son as she told me. I am relocating this weekend to another state and to somewhere a bit better suited for her and her son, and so a rental is whats on the menu for awhile. I had a walk away foreclosure and lost my azz financially a few years back, so to buy soon isn't an option even though I have some money. I've sent her examples (pics) of different types of rental property to stem off some negativity she has. Her eyes widened at some (in a good way). I also have her on my life ins. for a bit more security and she knows it. It was my idea to retire in China, and she appreciates that also.

Also I not romantically pursuing ANYONE else. These profile also say...pen-pal and friends also! I've dropped a few already that attempted to take ownership of me. I'm guessing pen-pal and friendship is the same as marriageability to them.

So instead of you all ripping me a new one! NOTE she has asked me to help her buy a house prior to marriage! She considers our marriage a done deal already. Maybe she's an angel, maybe not? But do not dare judge me because she's on a pedestal in your eyes! After all, I'm applying much of what I learned HERE!

But you are correct in saying, I see through my perspective...I need to remember that!

Chris

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