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maxx:
Jim I forgot to try to explain face to you.And what it can mean to you and your lady.Face boils down basically to respect.And how you treat your family,And how you treat Her family,And friends.It can be real easy.To take someones face in China.And not realize you have done anything wrong.
Here is a example of taking someone face in China.One of are brothers here.Told his wife to take the train.Because the bus was going to be slow.And the roads were bad.So the lady takes the bus.Because it was cheaper by 5.00 dollars.Instead of telling his wife she did good.He was angry because she took longer to get home.And it was dangerous because of the roads.He took her face.Because he didn't praise her for saving 5.00.Like a good Chinese man would of.Different country different customs.If the lady would of ben married to a Chinese man.He would of hollered and screamed at her for wasting the 5.00 dollars.where as western men we are interested in getting it done now.With the least amount of drama.And what is 5.00 dollars to us.If we have to spend and extra amount to get it done quickly we will.
Story 2. One of are brothers was set to get married.His bride mentions the Monk.And how they need to see the monk.And to pay the toll.The brother is fit to be tied.He tells the lady.It will be a cold day in hell.Before he pays some bead shaker any amount of money.The lady runs for the door.Because he trampled all over her religion.He took her face.The brother broke 2 rules Maxx's 24 hour rule.And different country different custom rules.Then he tried to hide the problem from us.If I didn't like and respect this brother so much.I would of flown to his country.And tossed him around his house.Until he understood.Fortunately for the brother. his brother in law.And I were paying attention.So we hammered him until he seen the error of his way.And now him and his wife are together and happily married.
Face it can be as simple as bringing gifts for her and her family.cigarettes go along way in China.To show face to a Chinese man.food and fruit.Go along way with a Chinese woman.Holding the door for her.Carring her purse when you are shopping together.Putting food on her plate.When you are eating together.A simple smile for her.Can go along way.Showing her family and friends respect.Is simply showing them face.And when her family and friends are hammering you about something.You still showing them respect.showing them face goes along way.Something my wife's friends and family show me years latter.
Me and my wife were going to get married.She told me I needed to send her money.For the wedding party.I followed my own rules.and told her ok.So After I talked to her.I jumped on the internet to find out if this was a Chinese custom.It was so I sent the money the next day.When I arrive in China.We go to my mother in laws house.She has got a new refrigerator,A new sofa,Mom and dad.And baby sister are wearing new clothes.I'm pissed beyond belief.But I follow the rules.Just to see where this is going.We get married.And take half the wedding party on vacation with us.When we get back from vacation.My new mother in law gives half the money from the red envelopes to my wife.And keeps the other half for herself.Now I'm more curios then mad.
I have to go back to the states.2 months latter I'm back in China.I tell my wife I want to go to Beijing.So we go.everything is payed for.I bought a few souvenirs.Maybe a couple of meals.I never payed for the hotel the food or any of the stuff we seen.Everytime I grab my wallet to pay for something.My wife friend is telling me no worries it is payed for.(I Found out latter my mother in law had sent my wife's friend the money.So we could do what we wanted to do.When we went back to my wife's home town.My hotel was payed for.And me and my mother in law.Are laughing at each other.As we try to decide.Who is going to pay for dinner.I'm trying to pay.And she keeps pushing my money away.
So as you can see face it is a 2 way street in China.By me not raising a fuss about the money .For the wedding ceremony.My wife's family.showed me face by paying for the Beijing trip.And it still is a on going thing.I payed for a nice hotel in Beijing for my wife's parents.And then took them around Beijing and bought the train ticket home for them.My wife had spent the previous 2 months staying with her parents.With are 2 boys.That we had at the time.To this day my mother in law sends my wife care packages about every 2 or 4 months.And scolds her daughter on the internet.If she doesn't think her daughter is treating me right.
I hope this help you understand face.And what to do and not do.don't worry to much if you do it wrong the first time.Your lady will probably understand.That you do it a little different in your country.And it is something you and her will have to work on.
Willy The Londoner:
Nicely and well put Maxx. Those example sums it up very well.
Too often foreigners come and marry a Chinese Lady without giving it any consideration at all. It is very often a case with some men of 'Do it my way or do not do it at all'.
Willy
fivetrout:
Thanks Maxx...that helped my understanding as well!
maxx:
Thank you Willy and fivetrout.
Martin:
Wow...Maxx Next to you I'm just a worthless Jinadian.With low self esteem.
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