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Am I being paranoid ?

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shaun:
I want to tip-toe through my comments here.  I don't want to assume too much but......

John, looking at a lot of your posts there have been several rocky times between you and your wife.   You've even admitted that overdoing things at times.

My sister-in-law told me early on how to keep a Chinese wife happy and faithful.  I try to live by what she said.

John, I am not presuming that you are doing any of the things listed below.

1.  Don't act like most Chinese husbands by screaming, yelling, and calling them awful names.  When they make a mistake lead them though it with understanding.   (Not a bad idea in any relationship)

2.  Don't make them lose face in public.  (If you have an issue with something they did, wait until you get home behind closed doors and practice number 1.)  (They will do the same with you.)

3.  Don't give them reasons to be jealous because they might give you a reason to be jealous.  (Speaks for itself)

4.  Don't lie to them.

5.  Keep them financially secure.

She went on to say that if a man can do that for a Chinese woman that she will always be faithful to her husband.

I've tried to keep all of these.  Most of my failure has been with number 2 and 5.  When she loses face because of something I did, I always apologize to her; regardless of how I feel about it.   Number 5 is that I have had some major financial issues that I am still working on.  But she does see improvement because I don't lie to her.

Pineau:
No, you are not being paranoid. Been there before and i tell you that blind trust is for the birds. If you wand to know then dig and find out. Just don't let her know because she will begin to become extremely careful. Trust your gut. Just don't loose it and make a confrontation until you have all the hard evidence you need.

If it is true then there is something she needs, emotionally,or otherwise that she is not getting at home. Something is missing.
Here is the bigger question. What is going to happen if you fears are warranted?  How do you fix it? Do you want to fix it?

Buddy , having lived through it I know how gut wrenching it is. You at least know very early on and perhaps can put a stop to it before it goes any further.

David E:
John

I am not sure whether or not I am at this time qualified to give advice  ;D ;D ;D....considering where I am at in my relationship.

I must say, that if I had known EARLIER that Ming was being sucked into this mess little by little during her school program at Thornlie TAFE (a local College for those unfamiliar with Perth...John will know) I would have jumped in and either nipped it in the bud, or hastened her departure....depending on what I thought were the motives at the time.

I have had umpteen hours of discussion with Professionals about what exactly could drive a happy, secure and comfortable Woman to go down such a path that is fraught with disaster....does the vague attraction of a possible better life in the hereafter completely over-ride the good life she has today ????

Likewise with your wife...does the promise of different and "more exciting" life over-ride what she has with you.???...if she is mixed up with the "massage Parlour" environment and also any Arab influence...she is in a very slick seduction environment...they all make it seem so glamorous...and yet we know it is just a front for Prostitution....but remember they are experts at peddling this crap to susceptible and/or vulnerable women....just like the loonies who got to my wife...little, by little, by little.

Here is a theory that has been put to me by some Professionals who I respect and who I listen to with great attention:

John, both you and I are migrants, we were born in another Country and came to Aus for whatever reasons we each had. It took me a long, long time (12 years) to finally admit that I was more Australian than English and at that time I made to call to get Naturalised and get my Aus Citizenship and Passport...but remember, it is OK for us to hold dual Nationality (in fact I still have my UK Passport).

This was a tough decision in many ways...but not as tough as some  - especially Chinese people, because they CANT have dual Citizenship...they "Lose" their Chinese status.

Apparently this is a biggie for native Chinese people and gives rise to huge internal conflicts....what to do for the best.....because they find it difficult to contemplate being only an Australian...especially considering Language difficulty, physical difference and a giant difference in cultures.

At the 2 or 3 year level, it is noted in the stats that many problems...real or imagined, surface at this time due to this internal conflict....in many cases, the fear of losing identity over-rides any sense of wellbeing that living a good life, with a good husband, in a good Coutry delivers on a daily basis. It is made worse by the ease in which they can communicate with their original Chinese friends back home, and with like minded Chinese in Australia in their local environment. It is about this time where it is seen that they go a bit "crazy".

I guess if my wife, or your wife is TRULY unhappy with their lives with us, then there is not a lot we can do about it...unless we have been bastards along the way and are due and obligated to make a change, or watch them run.!!!!!

In summary, maybe a lot is going on with your wife in terms of her questioning where she is going, and the draw of pastures new is the symptom of this, either way...jump on it quick...there can be NO good outcome if you let it ride. Win, lose or draw, you must make a move to fix it or suffer a greater consequence later.

Cheers...David

Neil:
I know exactly how you feel, and I don't wish that on anyone.  What can you do?  I'd say: protect yourself.   In Canada, we commit to being financially responsible for our permanent resident wife (and son) for quite some time, whether we are together or not.  I would assume it is the same in Australia.  You need a lawyer's opinion on this matter, and soon.

I know you love her, as I loved my ex-wife, but I don't believe you can salvage this relationship, nor would I suggest you try.  Someone you love should never treat you that way, if she really loved you.  How could you ever trust her again? 


If it were me, I would probably want to confront her about the phone messages, but I would probably do something stupid and end up in jail. 

yvictor:
This reminds me of my own problems from my previous marriage :-(

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