China Romance
All About China => Understanding Chinese Women => Topic started by: David E on June 18, 2014, 06:30:02 pm
-
Well.....I have just got through my first 3 months with the "Little Emperor" living with us.
I suspect my life expectancy has halved in this period, I notice my hair is greying rapidly and I get irrational feelings like murder, torture and throwing things, far more frequently !!!!!!!!!!
I begin to see the real ugly face of Male Chinese children, I begin to understand the vast cultural gulf that exists between me and him. But more importantly, I begin to understand that I cannot in any way rely on his Mother (my wife) to get involved in any issues that challenge his arrogance, that attempt to change some of his worst habits or that seek to impose on him any normal standards from my culture...she is just too culturally imprinted to go up against him.
Ming rushes round after him 24/7, she is visibly losing weight, is irritable and just plain overworked...but she cant/wont stop !!
Some specific issues that have caused friction...
He WONT eat any Western food...she therefore cooks 2 complete sets of meals every day.
He is used to a squat toilet and has no concept of toilet hygene and his toilet is always awash with urine all over the floor...she cleans it several times each day.
He demands she drives him everywhere...he does not have an Australian driving License....she can make 4 or 5 trips a day ferrying him around to his friends/school etc.
We were out in the Yard last Sunday...I was cleaning the Pool and I handed him a yard brush and told him to sweep the patio.....He bolted indoors and Mum came out and swept the patio...she told me that the yard brush was too hard on his hands and he wont do it !!!!!!!!
I also notice that in his bathroom he has 5 different hand creams, 4 different shampoos and more cosmetics than his Mum........ :-\ :-\..including hair spray, hair gel, laquer and many other junk I dont recognise.
He has told Mum that he wants to finish with English lessons...its too cold outside to go to school....and he wants her to buy a mountain of camera gear for him so he can start a photography Business. He also wants my daughter to make him a website for this Business (for free of course)...when he announced this at a family dinner the other day, my daughter just looked at him and said calmly..."get stuffed"...so you can see that he has already made a mighty impression on my family !!!!!!!
OK..that's the rant over...and thgat is only a few of the issues we have faced with this arrogant, bad-mannered little prick.......now what to do ????
My only way out of this is to set him up independantly from us...which means a huge expense for me...which I really dont feel inclined to spend, or to insist he goes back to China,(where I would have to support him anyway)
I guess that divorce is now looming as the only realistic outcome, because I feel that when push comes to shove, Ming will back him over me....as she has done so many times in the past 3 months
What a balls-up >:( >:( >:(
-
I sympathise entirely with you David. When my stepson was living with us for 5 months that was the most trying period of my relationship with my wife AND she was backing me up all the way not him!
In the end I gave up with him and he gave up with my when it ended with me pinning him to the wall by the throat. So look what you could be heading for in one or two months time. He had no social interaction skills whatsoever and most times I never know whether he was in the house or not. He would come and go in silence. He was even sacked from our Nieces manufacturing business because of his attitude.
Even his Grandfather who was also staying with us at that time, moved upstairs to our nieces apartment to get away from him! So for family members to treat him like that you can imagine just how bad he was.
He was 21 at that time and when he moved out to Shanghai that was at least far enough for him to no longer be a problem anymore. In the ensuing four years he has visited us on a couple of occasions and for short three or five day trips we got by. His basic attitude has probably never changed but he seems to be able to control it a lot more now. But even so, his mother says he will never again live with us.
His elder sister who now lives with us is a completely different person. She is a delight to have around the place. Ok you know just how attentive a Chinese wife is, well just consider the attention I get with two adult women in the house. When she went to London with me for two weeks everyone loved her.
I do think that anyone taking on a wife with a son approaching his teen age years or already in them really has to understand that how he is at that time will probably be how he will be for all times. Younger kids they can be trained with effort. Older sons well!!!
My wife looks after our nieces two children on a regular basis. The girl when she was 2 - 3 had one or two tantrums where she lay on the floor screaming for a moment or two but apart from that she is never a problem. The boy who is now 30 months is more physical and if he is annoyed about something he will physically attack the other person. As well as hitting out I have seen his teeth marks on his grandmothers arm and they let him get away with it!
He is heading to be just another Little Emperor. The only good things is that at my age the chances of seeing him reach his full obnoxious behaviour ratings as he reaches marriageable age are diminished.
My advice is to keep sons as far away as possible.
Willy
-
David,
Been there, done that, hated it and wish i had killed him when I first met him.
I suffered through years of what you are going through right now. I have ranted about Jason before so I wont do it here. But suffice to say that after Jing and I got divorced it was a relief. A strange calm came over me and the daily urge to kill someone or jump from a tall building was gone.
If it were me (and it is not) I would take Ming aside and tell her straight out. She WILL support me in my discipline and authority over the little prick or...get the hell out and take him with you. Honestly this is what I wished I had done with the asshole that ruined my household. You don't deserve this after everything you have done for her and him. You are the master of you house, you make the decisions, she is there because of your kind heart and she should respect what ever decisions you make. If she does not then she doesn't deserve you and she doesn't deserve to stay.
Oh yes, it has been years now and he is still a major fuck up. He is 22 years and still sucking on mom's tit and still causing trouble and grief for everyone around him. Works as a bus boy in a restaurant, lives at home with mom and just found out he knocked up his girlfriend. what a looser. good riddance.
David, you deserve better than what you got.
-
David,
I won't offer any advice because I've never had to deal with an issue quite like that and I am woefully deficient when it comes to the Chinese male. My son and I had our differences and at 24 I still scare the piss out of him though he wont admit it.
On fathers day he said, "I got pissed... I mean I got very angry with..." Of course I called him out because he changed his wording to not get me angry. I just laughed at him and told him that he still needed to grow a couple. Hehehe He said he found better wording and changed it. Yea right.
What I will do is keep you in my thought and prayers and hope that somehow you are able to resolve and re-mend the relationship with your wife. You've gone to far with her for the relation ship to go down the tube.
Good luck friend.
Shaun
-
David I forgot how old is the kid? Have you thought about Military school? You have to much time into this to let the little schmuck wreck this for you.
-
Maxx , David.
I thought of everything. When I said military school she immediately sided with him and would not budge. If she thinks she is in control (and she was) she can pretty much dictate how thing are going to be done concerning her son. I was powerless and miserable.
The reason she was in control was because she had her permanent green card and her friends were coaching her about what I could and couldn't do. Once she got permanent status there was very little I could do but accept it. I wish I had divorced her (and him) much earlier before she gained her power to take control.
I am not happy for you and it is a sad state that lead you to mention divorce. But thinking back, your life with her has never been bliss even before he started trouble.
-
Thanks Guys...
It is always a big help to have somewhere to rant about stuff to a sympathetic audience.... ;D ;D ;D
Yes, I have got a lot of emotion, time (and money) invested in my marriage...and I went through the whole rigmarole in good faith. But I am quite clear in my mind that if it takes a termination of this marriage to fix the problem, then thats what I will do.
I dont like idle or empty threats, so I have not played this card so far...because when and if I do, it WILL be the end...you dont mess around at that level. Once I "cross the Rubicon"...it is crossed !!!!!!
As for the Little Emperor, it would be great to ship him off to the Army and let a few Gnarly old Drill Sergeants work him over, but at this time he is only a Permanent Resident, not a Citizen, so he dont qualify. But he could of course join the Chinese Forces...but Mum would NEVER let that happen to her poor little child..(who must be protected from all levels of inconvenience and indulged 120%)
My next move will be to have a serious Council of War with the pair of them and spell out exactly what will happen from here...very quickly...if there are not some fundamental changes made in a big hurry.
I think maybe she is being reinforced by some of her scaly Chinese mates, who may have fed her crap about how her financial future would be if we divorced....she thinks she gets half of my assets.....but she dont....'nuff said... 8) 8)
The awful realisation is beginning to dawn on me (maybe my paranoia showing, or maybe a glimmer of truth) that she has deliberately snared a Western husband with the sole purpose of getting her Son out of China and into a new life..........I did not think I was ever that gullible to fall for such a fraud....but I am not so sure any more.
Interesting times....we will see.
-
Having a soon to be 19 year old boy come here with his mother should send me to the doctor for meds or the hardware store for a rope...after reading the above posts. However, Tiger has displayed nothing but the utmost gratitude and sincerity for me thus far. He has a shy and reserved personality and admires me for accepting his mother and himself. A few weeks ago his mother offered him a bit of money and he declined as she is always short of money. And I believe he is looking forward to being a man and supporting the family when that time has come. He has no notion things will be different here, and that I want to his future wife and children to visit and not stay. LOL He has been living and attending a trade school in auto mechanics for his future and is excited Chinese cars will start to be sold in the U.S. next year. This summer he enrolled and was accepted to a internship at the car plant company his mother used to work for. But for one...he needs to apply himself to learning english.
-
Added to the Little Emperor syndrome is the damage done to generations of children by the Chinese education system. The focus on rote-learning, lack of critical thinking or character building or creativity plus a lack of time in the day to build relationships breeds a value-free generation of children.
My 17 year-old stepson is lucky enough to have my wife to keep him in line, even though he lives 500 miles away from us, with his grandfather. He knows there are choices in his life and there are consequences to those choices. If he doesn't want to study and work hard to go to university, that's fine. He can get a job, make some money, leave home, handing the keys to his grandfather, and find somewhere to live. His choice. But of course, he makes the right choice. Not only that, but he is a very good student. He is also a pretty good cook, and makes food for him and his grandfather. But this is despite his numbing school experience, starting school at 6.00am and never coming back home in the evening before 9.30. Is it any wonder he still doesn't know what he wants to study at university?
His worst vice is that he sometimes spends an hour in an internet cafe playing games before he gets home. Terrible, eh?
But if my wife hadn't made him aware of his responsibilities (particularly to himself) from a very early age, then he wouldn't have become the mature and considerate young gentleman I see today. I don't have to say anything to discipline him. I just watch him play with my 18 month-old son, and know that he is in good hands.
-
Your certainly correct about the non building of relationships.
I now have an interest in a school here that is specialising in the character and relationship building. It has gone so well in less than two years that discussions are now in hand to open at another this year in this city.
Willy
-
David,
I cant imagine what you are going through, my relationship with Ziwei is very good.... The tiolet issue would be enough for me and I would think it would be enough for mum. It sounds to me like his biggest problem is he is lazy and if his mum wont stand up for you and herself I think your hands are tied.
You have offered them a good life and seems to me like they have no respect for you or your feelings. I would hate to see you, after all this to end in divorce but you have done your part and it is up to them now. I dont post much but I have strong feelings about LAZY and LACK OF RESPECT. You deserve better! Talk to them and and lay down the law if that doesnt do it you have done your part.
My thoughts
Kenny
-
David, through this Forum and having the pleasure to share your Story here (of the ups and downs).. it seems I know you quite well. Even never having met face to face, I feel like your part of my Family. It turns my stomach from what you're going through.
I am starting to see in Qing's son (12 yrs) this Emperor thing is slowly coming to the surface more and more. Being Lazy and the need to push him to do anything from Schoolwork to help around the house picking up after himself. Now, the only thing (my plus) ... Qing is behind me all the way to make me comfortable with my wishes how this household is to be run. Believe me, he tries very hard to do "Nothing"! The first thing I will "pound" into him, is "Respect" towards his Mom and "No" raising his voice over her's. The "A's" up my sleeve is, that he's afraid (in a good way) of me as an Authority at home. The same he has towards his Dad back in China.
Back to your situation, you are doing the right thing by (Holding Court Day) laying it all out on the table for them both and let them make their "Choice" and you do NOT have to be feeling any Guilt by doing what is necessary for your "Health". I myself hope for a reasonable solution where you can go back and be the Family you went out to find.
-
all i can think to say is, thank god i am not married to a chinese woman.
-
All Chinese woman are not the same.
-
My step-son is in his mid-twenties and I have to say his mother and grandparents did a very good job raising him. He is polite and hard-working and obeys his mother's orders to the letter. When I visit China he is always helpful and polite towards me, and I believe that this is his nature and not just a ruse to pacify me. I wish I had some good advice for you David, I do believe you will need your wife to support you 100% in any rules/guidelines you establish if there is to be any hope of success with your step-son. I do know about the Chinese connections playing armchair marital advisers though, we have a couple of those types that attempt to play barrister amongst the social circle my wife and I mingle with. If he is really as spoiled as you say, then his mother needs to visit an old folks home in your area or in China even and perhaps she can see what may potentially be her destiny if she continues letting him rule her world. I am certain there will be many old ladies there all alone because they could no longer tend to the little princes in a manner they thought they deserved or was entitled to, and were sent away when they became a liability instead of an asset. I think the filial piety is not going to be a doctrine that spoiled children adhere to strictly. Hope things get better for you!
-
It appears that most who have not had problems with a growing up adolescent youth are ones who as yet have not had one living with them for long periods.
Maybe all teenagers are the same whatever there culture.
All I know that the reason that relationships between a foreigner and a Chinese lady often fail, even before the getting married stage, is the attitude of a boy approaching manhood.
Willy
-
Yes, he was always a different type of person when he interacted with us during my frequent visits to Chengdu......I never even got the slightest glimpse of the "other side" of his personality/culture/temperament. My goodness, if I had any idea that he would turn out like this, I would have totally resisted sponsoring him for an Aus visa to join his Mum here...at whatever the cost !!!!!
Be that as it may...we have had a very intense discussion where all the new rules have been spelled out;
I have told him and Mum that I will make random inspections of his toilet and the first time I find evidence of urine on the floor, the toilet door will be locked and there will be a bucket placed in the garden and he WILL use it !!!!
There will be no more dual meals, he will eat what we eat or he can go hungry or cook his own.
He will get a bus to school and a bus home again. He WILL go to English school every day or I will stand over him and force him to learn English all day with me....if she insists on driving him around everywhere, I will take the car keys from her.
The next time he gives me lip, or speaks with disrespect I will smack him hard.
I have told Mum that my word in this house is Law, I am the provider and the owner and the breadwinner and I will be treated as such, If she cant accept that then there WILL be a divorce.
As you would expect there was a sullen silence at all this and I know that they already are working out if I am serious or if they can weasel around these rules somehow....we will see.
The next week or so will be fun :-[ :-[ :-[
ps...I have chucked all his cosmetics in the bin and forbade the purchase of replacements.....
-
Well one David...That's the way to do it!!! ;D
Living with a teenager as bad as this little emperor or any teenager is very stressful and VERY hard work, Just keep in mind whose house it is...YOUR THE BOSS, Watch those stress levels mate and look after your health...
You may find that he will try to rebel against this authority but I hope everything turns out for you mate, honesty I do..
Regards
Robbie
-
Living with a teenager as bad as this little emperor or any teenager is very stressful and VERY hard work, Just keep in mind whose house it is...YOUR THE BOSS, Watch those stress levels mate and look after your health...
Robbie
I had the same problem when I stayed at your place. ;D :D :) >:(
Willy
-
David,
Proud of you. I just wish I had the nerve to do it myself years ago. I wish you the best.
-
Each of us knows what we bring to the marriage, what we can compromise on, and what we cannot tolerate. When self imposed principals are not met and/or not respected by others...hard changes are required. We must be able to live with ourselves first and foremost.
-
Good luck to you David
-
David,
you do wield all the power.
for what it is worth, I would try a different resolution approach. I think it safe to say that any adjustments to whatever family
life you enjoy are strictly what you determine. you hold all the cards. but this may be a situation you must think of beyond any
defensive posture that presents itself.
defensive posture by itself is so singular.
I agree, her sons shit stinks..he comes across as caustic. but then again, a thoughtful approach to this issue of your family would seem
much more effective than any, as it appears, hissy fit retaliations. how you handle this crisis is what determines your future with Ming.
if I were you, I would enlist the aid of a family counselor of sorts. I do not know what happens in Australia when there is family
friction but I think there must be some appropriate channels to tune onto. since the person of question is your wife, albeit her son, I do
see her logic as protecting him...the son being a long ways from China.
I think I would enlist the services of a counselor/ professional, preferably an older Chinese male, fluent in Chinese, adept in navigating
the myriad problems of Chinese immigrants in Australia. I mean not all Chinese immigrants have enjoyed a great & glorious time away
from their motherland.
the son, of course he is spoiled, but I think he is not stupid. he made be more acceptable to change given the influence & possible guidance
from a professional counselor.
-
John, I respectfully disagree. I went down this path. Counselors, friends, school, church, English and Chinese. None of it worked.
The reason it did not work was not so much him, but his mother and the Chinese " Little Emperors" mentality. All teenage boys will turn into spiteful hateful monsters if you don't show them boundaries and get control of them. They will constantly push the boundaries of your authority. But with my first boy I was the boss of my house and nothing stood between me and discipline of my children and no-one usurped my authority. They, (all 5 of them) turned out very well. It was number 6, the little emperor that spoiled my success streak.
He was rotten to the core and I was ready to face the devil. But without the help of his mother and the grandparents it was a loosing battle. I just wish I had realized what I was getting into trying to defeat the Chinese culture that had infiltrated my family.
I wish the best for David. but I don't think any external family counselor is duly prepared to deal with a Chinese mother and son. Without her cooperation there is not much of a chance. Perhaps she is the one that needs counseling. I would not make divorce my first choice but it is a card to be played and should be more than just a threat.
-
I have tried the Counsellor route...with limited success.
Councellors seem to want to find a middle path that solves the problems and leaves the status quo....an impossible objective. I am not out to destroy this boy, quite the contrary, I firmly believe that if he is to have any long-term success in life here in Aus, he is compelled to change, to adapt some of his less than appropriate behaviours to this new model.
Like all old farts, I have got my scars the hard way in the school of life over many years...I DO know what is best for him, even though that sounds arrogant and even though he refuses to believe it.
Similarly, I do regard myself as the Head of the Household...not for the sake of personal conceit but for the sake of responsibilty and acountability. I will not undergo fundamental changes to my behaviour to accomodate some Teenage Chinese Boy....or anybody !!!
All of the behavioral traits that he exhibits that will be unhelpful in Aus have in the first instance been discussed politely, rationally and with good intent. There was never a question of enforcing changes in him by coercion...until he demonstrated quite clearly that he did not value the advice, did not care about the outcomes and was only interested in any solution that left him as King of the Castle ! I believe that Mum is culturally overwhelmed by the thoufght of any form of discipline against her Little Emperor and she is paralysed and conflicted when it comes to change programmes...ie she is less to blame than him...he is manipulating the scenario to his exclusive advantage.
Which is all good metaphysical stuff...but when push comes to shove, are we to be dictated to and ruled by such a boy...any boy (or girl) ?, are we going to abandon our responsibility as a parent, as a human being and as a Teacher with vast knowlege as to how the World works, garnered over a lifetime?.
This is the role of parents and a role that should be carved in stone.
I cannot resile from this...period.
-
I'm sympathetic.
I was appealing to a stale solution. I do know that does not work well.
I was trying to be nice....hurt like hell.
Anyway, my China family has major issues. My wife's nephew, what..18, 19 yrs old, was involved
in an assault (along with a couple of others), on a defenseless young man. Not a good situation in
our family these days. Our family has major issues now since he is incarceration. I do not know the
Chinese justice but my sympathies are with the injured boy. Much less so for our nephew.
I do not know what the outcome is going to be but I venture to say there will be an exchange of a
very large sum of money. China justice can be sweet, but I think my nephew should be shoe horned
into the army. He needs the discipline his/ my family was remiss in providing. When I first met him,
he was a damn good kid. I do not know is there is a Chinese equal for “machismo”, but certainly the
choice of friends can prove problematic if one lacks the smarts.
Getting closer to home, I asked my wife about her son. To put it bluntly...a work in progress. He lacks
major discipline. There is a lot of weird shit on his QQ.
Every shitty situation is hostage to it's unique & ultimate remedy. I think there is no cookie cutter solution
to anything human related.
But I do admit China must be the Yankee Stadium of sorts when it comes to it's 'little emperors'.
Life can be a bitch.
-
I tiink he needs put u against the wall with your hands round his neck and told exactly how to behave...in your home... :o :o
-
That's called child abuse in the U.S Rob. they send you to Jail for that kind of thing. They take the kids away. You have to go to anger management classes and pay thousands of dollars in fines and penalties.
-
I tiink he needs put u against the wall with your hands round his neck and told exactly how to behave...in your home... :o :o
Well that worked for me Robbie. Just confirming to Maxx he was 21 at the time.
Willy
-
The awful realisation is beginning to dawn on me (maybe my paranoia showing, or maybe a glimmer of truth) that she has deliberately snared a Western husband with the sole purpose of getting her Son out of China and into a new life..........I did not think I was ever that gullible to fall for such a fraud....but I am not so sure any more.
I don't see her motivation as you describe it here as "fraud" - of course trying to get a better life for herself and her son is something she is hoping to get out of marrying a foreigner. That is a basic human desire and there is nnothing sneaky about it.
I feel sorry you had to resort to a ultimatum and to bring divorce on the table.
-
The awful realisation is beginning to dawn on me (maybe my paranoia showing, or maybe a glimmer of truth) that she has deliberately snared a Western husband with the sole purpose of getting her Son out of China and into a new life..........I did not think I was ever that gullible to fall for such a fraud....but I am not so sure any more.
I don't see her motivation as you describe it here as "fraud" - of course trying to get a better life for herself and her son is something she is hoping to get out of marrying a foreigner. That is a basic human desire and there is nnothing sneaky about it.
I feel sorry you had to resort to a ultimatum and to bring divorce on the table.
I have no idea who or what yvictor is as he gives no information as to who he or she is and where he or she is from or either the age of him or her!
But I think that I having followed David E and his foray into China for several years then probably he will have given a lot of thought for saying what he did.
Willy
-
It's OK Willy....one of the good things about our Forum is the right of anybody to have an opinion !!!
YVictor sees my dilemma from only one perspective....he knows not 10% of the detail of what prompted me to share my concerns with a bunch of people who listen to my ramblings and whose opinions I seek and respect.
I try to rationalise in my mind why my wife of 3 years who was well into a REAL integration into life in Aus, and who seemed to be relishing the situation of living in a society that allowed her the freedom to be an individual and a society that
did not feel slavishly bound to the ancient Chinese fashion of utter hero worship of Sons at all costs....even to the point of accepting being treated as a slave, at his every beck and call...it's just not Australian >:( :-* :-* :-*...
to then turn around and INSTANTLY adopt the traditional role with the Little Emperor...it got me very confused...so I imagine many things, sinister motives are just one of my imaginings.. !!!!
Be that as it may, divorce is only on the table because I am old enough to understand and accept that marriage is a 2 way street...based on mutual respect and many other things that take 2 people to manage.
Once respect has gone....nothing more matters much in a relationship and it is better for all concerned to walk away...the alternative is a slow emotional death...been there, done that !!!
-
I now remember reading in the past about your trouble caused by religious zealots influencing your wife, David - but I admit I didn't put two and two together when I wrote my previous post in this thread.
I didn't mean criticizing your decision to divorce or not, but the decision to give her an ultimatum, and the only reason is that I don't think ultimatums work in a marriage. They may work between adults and kids, but not between two adults, since no one likes to be given an ultimatum.
Also, I didn't like the advice given by some in this thread, along the lines of "you are the bread-winner so she should listen to you". That is the worst marriage counseling advice I ever heard, hands down :)
The way to persuade a spouse is by logical arguments, not by force - what if the balance changes in the future, is David supposed to not stick to the common-sense arguments he has just because he would not be the main bread-winner anymore? I don't think so, so why use a heavy handed argument in the first place when one can use logical arguments?
-
Sometimes ultimatums are a good thing because better things come your way after hard decisions.
-
Have not heard from David E in almost a year.
How did this finally turn out?
-
It finally turned out by me kicking him out of our home....together with a firm and irrevocable warning to my Wife that this particular episode was finished.
If she was unable to accept a "normal" Western type relationship with her/me/her son, then there would be NO relationship between us...period !!!!
He now lives in his own apartment (shared with 3 of his friends), has got a job and has a normal and healthy contact with his Mother.
I cant say that my relationship with his mother has fully recovered...maybe it never will, who knows.
Whether or not, our marriage can ultimately survive this latest drama is not clear just yet. On top of all the other catastrophies with the religious cranks, the whole thing has proven to be a very large mountain to climb.
When I consider just how much (emotionally and practically and financially) that I have put into this relationship, I am now close to accepting that it was not worth it...the cultural discrepancies are just too large.
-
David, You did the right thing. good or bad outcome, something had to give. You did all that you could and still did not get any help or respect. I hope for the best but even if it turns out bad you need this. You have been through a lot. I just wish I had the gumption to do it when Jason (jings kid) was acting like a monster. Three cheers and prayers for you.
-
I agree, you did the right thing.
If they want to move into YOUR home and YOUR country, they need to play by YOUR rules. When I moved to China, it would have been crazy to expect China to change to meet my terms. The rules apply to everyone.
Wish you the best.
-
David,
going back to day1 it seems like your method was successful.
"He now lives in his own apartment (shared with 3 of his friends), has got a job and has a normal
and healthy contact with his Mother."
there are varying amounts of one's resistance to adaptability given the circumstances.
he has shown a maturity in a new land, a job, and paying his fair share of the apartment rent.
all this in a bit over 1 year, I think you did well...
after all, life's game is one's successful adaptation to it.
-
The main impediment to any change in his behaviour was how to overcome umpteen generations of cultural conditioning that reinforced his own opinion that this behaviour was acceptable in a new and changed environment.
Neither was it my wish nor intent to simply brutalise him into a change that he neither accepted or understood....a process that I am quite capable of, but recognised it would be a real cruelty.
The actual impediment was his Mother !!!! The boy himself, with a lot of influence around him from 1st, 2nd and 3rd generation Chinese "Aussies" - his mates, was trying very hard to come to grips with this new reality. But Mother, being older, more imprinted with the "old" culture could not let go. She , in fact was rigidly hanging on to the old " Chinese" methods of managing a son, the Little Emperor method.
So it was more for the purpose of separating him from the daily, minute by minute incolvement of his Mother that I processed the ultimatum to manage his independance away from her.
You might argue that this was not my right...she can no more understand the innapropriate nature of her methodology , than I can accept it !! But something had to give....and on balance I truly believed that his best chance to survive and thrive in this new environment was to have a level of independance of thought and action that was generated outside of his Mother's influence and yet did not separate him entirely from his family/cultural and support network background...ie he always has a back-stop.
Only time will tell what was right or wrong, but to continue along the same path would have destroyed 3 lives.....this way may be only one or two :-[ :-[ :-[
-
I must admit my relationship with my step son has been far better since he moved away from here and to a different city.
He comes to stay with us as and when. He now holds down a good job is looking to buy a car and so much has the relationship blossomed I have offered to lend him the money at a far more preferred rate that the bank was offering!
From being a 'loner' he now has a wide number of friends and has one particular girlfriend.
What I find unusual is that when a couple are going out the other person in the relationship does not appear to be presented to parents until such time as they decide to marry. This applies not only to him but also to his older sister who has is now living with her boyfriend and, as yet, not made any plans for marriage.
Has anyone else found this to be so.
Willy