China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: zook144 on September 14, 2009, 11:22:49 pm
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Well guys, I need a little imput here.
I have been talking with a lady near Shenzhen for several months. No EMF's, no translator. Just us on QQ and a few emails. (I did meet her on chnlove) Everything was going fine until about a week ago. We were laughing and caring on on the webcam and talking about me visiting in late October and then the 1st week in November. Then all of a sudden...nothing...noddy. So naturally i thought the worst. I called her a couple of times and she said no time to talk. So that made me even more aggravated. I finally got to talk with her tonight. To make a longer story shorter, she said her mother was sick and she left in a hurry to visit her parents. Ok, I bought that. I told her I would like to know if and when she leaves like that so I will not worry. Then i asked about the upcoming trip. That is when she started balking and i got the idea she didn't want me to come visit anymore. (This isn't getting shorter is it?)
After more questions, I told her I had no hard feelings but I was looking for a wife and i guess I would have to continue the search. Then she finally got to the heart of the matter. After our last talk she had called her husband to see if he would give her full custody of her daughter. This way if things worked out with us, they could both come to the US. He would not do this. Now she is very sad and that is why she told me not to come. When I found out what the problem was, i told her we could at least meet and see if we really wanted to be together. Then we can see about her daughter. So, she agreed to that. (daughter, by the way, just turned 16)
I know I saw something on here about this subject. Ex's not letting their kids go out of China. Would someone refresh my mind on this. Is there any way around this?
As of right now, I guess the trip is still on. Hong Kong, then to Shenzhen.
Any advise appreciated.
You guys, cuss and discuss it. I'm headed for bed. Long day and she wore me out, trying to get to the heart of the matter.
Thanks
Don
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Don as I understand Chinese law.No there is no way around this.If the exhusband won't sign the paper.The kid can't get a passport.Or be part of her mothers visa.You mite have your lady talk to a lawyer.To see if she can take the exhusband to court.Make him give up custody.I don't know how that works in China
That 16 year old kid will be real close to being 18 by the time all of this comes together.you going to China.1 or 2 times.To see if you are compatable with the women plan the wedding.Have the wedding or party.Then start the visa process.
So in a 1 year span the kid being close to 18 the exhusband mite not have a issue with it by then.The girl mite not want to go to the states by then because of college.
I think I would just go with the trip and see where it ends up.You are probably thinking to much into this at this point and time in the relationship.Alot of things can change in 6 months to a year.
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Don, I am going to have to agree with Maxx, every thing he is saying is true, good luck bro.
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Don,
There are ways round this, but it does mean going to court, if the Ex husband is of the stubborn type (which most are) A lot depends on two factors, the first is, if he has been supporting his daughter financially, the other on if he has remarried.
If no financial support has been given, your on a very good start, If he has remarried, then it is unlikely that his new wife would be willing to support the daughter by inviting her to live with them. The fact that it is a daughter, is also in your ladies favour. The Chinese men will not normally put up as much fight for a daughter than for a son. All to do with retaining Family name and the like.... So, if these two conditions apply to your ladies Ex husband, you have a good fighting chance of winning the full custody of her daughter....
So, ......Initially do as Maxx suggested, be sure of your feelings for each other first and foremost. If everything works out well on your visit, and you decide that Marriage is what you both want, then start the full custody fight. You may even find, that he backs down, when he knows that she has filed a suite in the court, it might even be his new wife, that tells him to drop his objections, because this is going to cost him money also.
If this was a boy, we were talking about here, i would probably tell you to drop any thought of you and your lady wining your day in court. It has been known, but very rarely.....
David.....
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Don
I agree with Maxx. There is no reason this can't get sorted out along the way. You just need to be patient and calm about the matter.
I am in exactly the same situation. My woman has a 12yo son and it is unlikely that her exhusband will agree for her to bring the son with her.
But the fact of the matter, even if it works out (and nothing is ever for sure in this life) it will be such a very long time until we are married and the immigration stuff and has her qualifications are recognised here, and so the son will be close to graduating by the time we get it all sorted out.
When he is 18 his father might see the value of him getting a degree in an Australian university, and so maybe the son can come and live with us for a few years then.
The way I look at it I plan to be married to her for the rest of my life. If it takes a few years to get everything worked out perfectly, then I am happy to wait.
There are some things that I have found real hard in my relationship with my woman (eg short and infrequent letters) but I have never for a moment had any doubt about her seriousness or dependability.
I am travelling across to see her tonight. It might work out. It might not. But I am not going to be worrying about "what ifs" at the moment.
My suggestion: take each day at a time . . . each day has worries of its own . . . tomorrow will take care of itself.
Good luck.
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Thanks Maxx, MM, and David.
I pretty much agree with what you have said. In fact, I told her last night "Let's go ahead and meet, then if we decide to be together, we can figure out the daughter situation." I am not one to really fall "head over heals" in love over the internet. That was the reason for this trip. To see if we want to take this to the next level. I guess we are a little different than some of the other relationships that are talked about on the forum. We have not said "I love you" or much of the mushy stuff. About the extent is "I miss you" after our conversations. But I do know I about went nuts during the 8 days or so we didn't talk.
And Maxx is right. By the time anything was finalized and waiting on a visa, the daughter would be almost 18. Of course, that would pose another problem. How to still get daughter over here after she is 18 if she wants to come. Momma and daughter are VERY close.
Back to the Ex....the way I understand it, he doesn't have much to do with either of them. No support, and I do think he is married again.
Like you all say, it's not easy. I plan on waiting a few days, then talk with her again to make real sure this is what she wants. Then I will make reservations for Hong Kong. Don't want to jump the gun and end up in Hong Kong all by my lonesome
Thanks again.
don
and thanks Danny too
Don
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Danny , have a good , safe trip , we will all be listening hehe , regards Robert .
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Danny better luck this time.We will be waiting for the updates.
Don let me do some research I think the kid is ok on the mothers visa till 21.But I'm not sure.
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Maxx, not sure but I think if Visa is filed befor she is 18 then she is good until 21, but not sure.
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Maxx, not sure but I think if Visa is filed befor she is 18 then she is good until 21, but not sure.
MLM
This is an issue I may have to face. What does a couple need to do if her daughter is older than 21?
Shaun
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Maxx, not sure but I think if Visa is filed befor she is 18 then she is good until 21, but not sure.
MLM
This is an issue I may have to face. What does a couple need to do if her daughter is older than 21?
Shaun
Shaun, the daughter will have to file for her own visa, maybe for education, that would be the fastest way.
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OK How about when the daughter is 18 yo and says she wants to come to the states for college? and stays with the mother while there? Daddy pays too.
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OK How about when the daughter is 18 yo and says she wants to come to the states for college? and stays with the mother while there? Daddy pays too.
do you mean daddy as in you or daddy as in hers? :huh:
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Not me? My own kids pay their college. I just pay for books and things needed. BTW My daughter texted me she bought 4 books = $500.00 ???? I told her to sell them when she's done. :icon_biggrin:
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Vince she is going to have to have a exceptence letter from whatever college she applied to.If she is looking for a student visa.
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Danny better luck this time.We will be waiting for the updates.
Thanks for your kind wishes.
I have just wanted to be low key this time. I think last time I just got myself worked up the last time I went across.
I didn't want anyone to think I didn't want to share with the brothers.
Last time was dreadful. It really a really hard time. I just can't do that again.
So this time I am going hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.
I might not update until I get back. But it is not to be rude or thoughtless. It is just trying to stay calm and collected.
I just have to keep thinking about the two rules - I can't think of more than one thing at a time *laughs*
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Danny better luck this time.We will be waiting for the updates.
Thanks for your kind wishes.
I have just wanted to be low key this time. I think last time I just got myself worked up the last time I went across.
I didn't want anyone to think I didn't want to share with the brothers.
Last time was dreadful. It really a really hard time. I just can't do that again.
So this time I am going hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.
I might not update until I get back. But it is not to be rude or thoughtless. It is just trying to stay calm and collected.
I just have to keep thinking about the two rules - I can't think of more than one thing at a time *laughs*
Good luck Danny, I pray everything is better than the good expectations you have.
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Danny, good luck and best wishes
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You've learned your lesson from the last time. it will be allot better this time. Your eyes are open.
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This question is for MLM or anyone who has dealt with a similar issue. Pinky's daughter is 21 and next month will be 22. They are very close. The live together and own a business together. Pinky told me a while back that it would be OK if I looked for a husband for her daughter too. I am sure that meant if I am coming to the US my daughter is too.
Her daughter will have to file for her own visa. Michael mentioned student visa and Maxx said she will need an acceptance from a college. I do not know if she wants to go to college but I think she wants to come if her mother does.
What else is there and how much more difficult will this be for the daughter?
Shaun
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Danny, as Vince said, you HAVE opened your eyes...:dodgy: Do what you need to do this time mate...:sleepy: MOST of all have a good time, the best of luck mate...:icon_biggrin: :angel:
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This question is for MLM or anyone who has dealt with a similar issue. Pinky's daughter is 21 and next month will be 22. They are very close. The live together and own a business together. Pinky told me a while back that it would be OK if I looked for a husband for her daughter too. I am sure that meant if I am coming to the US my daughter is too.
Her daughter will have to file for her own visa. Michael mentioned student visa and Maxx said she will need an acceptance from a college. I do not know if she wants to go to college but I think she wants to come if her mother does.
What else is there and how much more difficult will this be for the daughter?
Shaun
Shaun I sent you a PM.
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Shaun family visa.It looks like it isn't a big deal.Only big deal is somebody is going to have to foot the bill for the visa ap.And the health test and then the flight.