China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: Irishman on July 05, 2009, 04:29:50 pm
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Having never been married myself I'm somewhat unsure how far I should push the topic or indeed if its appropriate a topic at all to discuss with her.
A while back I asked Ling what caused her previous marriage to break up and she went to great lengths to say he was a nice man, that they were in love but he was "lazy" and that's why they broke up, he's subsequently remarried so is completely out of the picture now.
I didn't want to push it too much and we haven't talked about it since but I can't help but feel it would be good for me to know what lead to the previous marriage breaking up so i don't make the same mistakes he made if indeed it was mistakes that he made.
We are pretty serious right now and getting married at this point seems more likely than not and I have to admit its being playing on my mind a bit recently.
I know some of the guys here have been in divorces previously themselves so probably are able to see this from a clearer angle than i can? Or are in the same situation and are dating a divorced lady like myself?
Should I just forget about it and treat it as a brand new relationship with everything new, or should I try to learn from it and in the hope of learning how not to make the same mistakes myself?
Any advice or suggestions welcome as usual.
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i couched my inquiry positively, as a communication opportunity,
asking what she felt the mistakes included, and what she would
take into our relationship as a learning opportunity....what would
she be more alert to this time around....what would she change?
she was eager to share.
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Being previously divorced, this was a somewhat easier topic to bring up with my wife, she wasn't at the time. She did tell me he was androcentric and she could no longer tollerate his behavior. I had to look that word up but it basically told me all I really needed to know so I didnt feel the need to ask further.
I did ask at one point, closer to our marriage, what are things she truely dislikes in a relationship? She said everything I do is fine. Feeling this was a pretty empty answer, I asked again but reworded it. She again said all i do is good with her. At that point I decided to drop the question and trust in myself that I'll make my best efforts in the relationship and as long as we're open with each other then we'll be able to discuss issues we may have.
Dont know if this helps any but I think you'll have to judge for yourself whether or not to ask, or how much to push the issue. One thing I do know is occasionally we'll be talking about something else and the topic will come up and she'll offer a little more info about her previous marriage. Perhaps taking the slow road on that topic might have the same results.
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Irishman I would just let it go.If the lady feels like telling you about it.She will tell you.I'm sure she will tell you about it at some latter time.It has nothin to do with the hear and now.
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Thanks guys, Maxx and Ed you both seem to be saying the same thing, I'll leave it be, if she wants to tell me about it she will. I suppose I dont particularity want to tell her about my past girlfriends either, its a new chapter in both our lives. I guess I'm starting to feel the nerves again as visit time is getting ever closer and over thinking stuff again.
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Ronan, early in our relationship I asked Zhou about her last husband and why she divorced him, the answer I got then was " he is a bad man " and that was it, later after we were married for a while we were talking one night about every thing and nothing and she started to tell me that she divorced her last husband because he was to controling, mentally abuseive and he beat her almost every day for 3 years when she first got here with her daughter, can you belive the look I had on my face when she was finished her story, the look was sorrow but inside I was very angry, sorry, back to the point which is don't push it, she will tell you later or never, if never then it is not important to your relationship, JMHO>
good luck, best wishes and have a ball.
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Thanks Michael, you sum it up perfectly with
don't push it, she will tell you later or never, if never then it is not important to your relationship, JMHO
Its only one month until i hold her close...thats all that matters now, so short a time so far away..expect many nutty posts between now and then.
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Thanks Michael, you sum it up perfectly with don't push it, she will tell you later or never, if never then it is not important to your relationship, JMHO
Its only one month until i hold her close...thats all that matters now, so short a time so far away..expect many nutty posts between now and then.
Not a problem buddy, I know how you feel, just remember, there are no dumb questions, just dumb answers
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Sorry i had to look it up
androcentric -
Androcentrism (Greek, andro-, "man, male") is the practice, conscious or otherwise, of placing male human beings or the masculine point of view at the center of one's view of the world and its culture and history. The related adjective is androcentric, while the opposite of androcentrism is gynocentrism.
In the past boys and men were expected to have better formal education than girls and women. Before universal literacy girls and women were less frequently able to read and write than boys and men were. Therefore written material tended to reflect the male point of view. This may be true in the Third World today. Well into the second half of the 20th century young men entered university far more frequently than young women. Some universities consciously practised a numerus clausus and restricted the number of female undergraduates they accepted. Therefore “Educated Opinion” risked being androcentric. Today women in advanced countries have far better access to education.[1]
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Although it will likely be years before I fully understand how her previous relationship was with her exhusband, she has given me the impression that she felt insignificant in the relationship and dominated, as if she was just a slave to him.
It's not so hard to believe this occurrs in their country but I wasn't prepared to fully understand it. It'l take time im sure.
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Although it will likely be years before I fully understand how her previous relationship was with her exhusband, she has given me the impression that she felt insignificant in the relationship and dominated, as if she was just a slave to him.
It's not so hard to believe this occurrs in their country but I wasn't prepared to fully understand it. It'l take time im sure.
Ed , that is the very reason I received from Qing , without asking her for it . Her thought's about anything were never needed or appreciated . End of our story on this Guy .
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When I broached the subject with Keren, she told me that her husband cheated on her with a younger woman, and did not treat his son or her very well. Still 4 years later he does not bother about his son?? She asked about mine, and I told her my sorry tale....In another letter I asked her, what her ex would say if she and Peter (son) was to move to the UK...It was then she told me about 'his' really bad behaviour, and she did not want to talk about him.
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Them being mistreated by their Ex's , makes us look so much better in their Eyes . But we MUST never take this as leverage when things go bad and feel WELL they're used to this . But use this knowledge how NOT to treat them . You Guy's know what I mean .
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Scottish_Rob,
My wife's been stressing out lately over her daughter. She too has a behavior problem and the ex and his family disagree and refuse to do anything about it. I admit while I was there I saw issues that wouldnt float in my house one bit but didnt feel my place was to butt in.
I know she still wants to bring her badly but neither of us know how it's going to turn out. I found telling my wife that I hope she will come with her and will support any decission she makes does help her feel more at ease about it all.
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Yeah I know what you mean mate, what I've done is in every second or third letter I ask about him, also tell Keren to tell him things from me, like for example, 'that we will go to KFC or for Big Mac etc'. Lately what I've also done is 'Write him' a few sentences and got her to print them off for him to see that I ask for him and think of him as a 'Son'
arnold that is so true no one should use anything negative to gain leverage....
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I think we're all in agreement here.
I was very happily married for fourteen years, until my wife passed away. My wife never spoke about her previous marriage all the years of my marriage. That was fine with me. I can remember seeing photos of her at that time, when she was married to her first husband, and she looked terrible, like she was in complete misery.
I think let sleeping dogs lie, Irishman and say nothing.
I think its best to think and talk about happy times that have happened, and that are to come.
She will talk about it if she feels the need.
I wouldn't be surprised if she never talks about it.
What good can come of it?
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You bring up a very intriguing situation here and it's potentially a no win for now. This is not
uncommon with dating (or starting a relationship) after a divorce, and is a psychologist's gold mine.
To say that one should let sleeping dogs lie is simplistic, and may serve to suppress or ignore a
major part of one's life which needs acknowledgement. Conversely, to believe that you have the
skills needed to elicit and probe in this area may be akin to your attempting to perform surgery
with only first aid skills.
Given: Western male seeking relationship with Chinese female, from a totally foreign environment
and culture, and lacking the ability (or only a modicum) to communicate efficiently.
Hell, this is challenging enough a task even when both parties are from similar environments
and speak the same language. :)
I asked two Asian psychologists (born overseas, now practicing in the US) to review the original
post. They agreed on the merits of being careful, supportive, and open. Both also mentioned that
repressing previous experiences and relying on a Chinese woman's (born and raised in China)
willingness to bring up the topic isn't the best indicator. For all we know, coming to terms
with their past marriage and having you understand and support them through your relationship
may be extremely cathartic and an enrichening an experience for you both.
Bear in mind that in the Chinese culture, the females aren't encouraged or nurtured to believe
that their opinions have much weight in the partnership. Chinese culture still views women as
subservient and expect them to be self-effacing.
Love and support is a great start, natch. Being open to the need to talk should not be ignored.
As you and your partner gain in communication skills, you may have a better handle on how
best to approach this.
Just something more to keep in mind.
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We talked about this in our first letters. I was curious. and she answered.
I want to tell you something about my marriage. My exhusband had been fired in his company, and he cannot face the failure and the poor life that followed, though I have tried my best to persuade him that the sun is still their, we can redo as long as we have courage. But he still gave up finally.
In the following letters she had said he hung out at some places playing games, drinking and not pursuing any income. She never said who divorced who? I will ask again sometime. But there was no beatings or mental abuse. Not that she mentioned?
I'm not going to push the fact either.
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That's a good point Raymond. Although we don't want to push too hard and bring up painful memories of hers, we also need to show our interest to understand her feelings and be ready to console or help her reflect upon those feelings.