China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: stuart barlow on April 12, 2009, 05:13:35 am
-
Ive just been made redundant,even though i told the lady things are quiet at work i haven't told her this.
i have abit of savings,but i have to cut back drastically as my bills haven't been made redundant (bummer)thing is i can only get a few credits at a time.she's already notice the difference and asking,
i told her i have a pre-booked holiday from last year and im just getting money together for that and she's still the light of my life, i told her i was going away on the 15th for 8days to give me some time and i'll try and contact her whilst on holiday.
But i dont know what to do as i feel really guilty lying.
I FEEL BOMBED OUT AND PIG SICK.
-
Hi Stuart
It's always best to be honest with your lady and not put doubt in her mind. I do contract maintenance work and was laid off in late January. I told my lady about this. The Chinese are suffering just as much if not more from the global downturn as us, they understand whats going on.She won't think badly about you because of this. These lady's want to share your troubles and support you, and sharing brings you closer.I was out of work for close to two months and my saving took a hit, but we used the time to do web cam every day. Now I'm back in work it's tough because we can only web cam when I can fit it in. We both miss our time together. E-mail and QQ cost nothing, maybe you could try this.She will understand and think better of you for being straight with her. Knowing someone is there for you helps when times get hard.Best of luck my friend.
-
Now the feeling well stuart i was made redundant in feb still no luck of a job yet last job i went for there was 60 other guys going for the same job i made it to the sort list of 5 but still no luck,i told my lady of what was happing she sead we can work it out wich i thought was good keep intuch by email started of ok but its died out i cant blam her but still feel gutted good luck bud.
-
Hey Stuart, I agree with Paul. Tell her the truth and maybe you can figure out some agreement writing just once or twice a week. But write more then. The economy is bad all over the planet. And they know that in China too. If she really likes you, she will stick with you!
-
Telling her the truth might disturb your relationship but it'll more likely help relieve a lot of stress.
My story: I was laid off in early November and went through all my savings for my trip just to stay afloat. I was supposed to be in China 4 weeks from now too. :(
She knew I was out of a job and understood it was because of the economy. At first i was really hoping to get something early on and just get back on track and still visit her in May. After a month or so out of work I told her I'll need to postpone it until late summer. After two+ months I didn't have the heart to tell her that I really had no idea when I'd see her and it really tore me up when she still talked about seeing me in the summer in her following letters.
Eventually we broke it off, first because her mother was on the verge of disowning her for considering to leave China to be with me and I then told her with my situation I didn't know when I would be able to see her so with our two situations perhaps it would be best if we took a break. That break quickly became permanent and though I tried to stay in contact with her at least once a week and I even got a new job a couple weeks later, it was over.
The thing is as much as I cared for this girl and was sad to see it end the amount of stress released for not having to worry about figuring out how to get the money to see her helped me refocus on my situation and get it fixed.
I'd just be honest with her. I'd suggest just telling her the truth and tell her you need to cut the letters down to a couple a week. In the meantime try and focus on your own life more. Hopefully that will lead to a new direction and you'll find a new job, maybe find some time to take a course and get a degree to further your skills so you can find something better and then you won't have to worry about the money situation anymore. If you let your lady know about your motivation and she truly does care for you she'll be patient and impressed that you care about her so much that it's motivated you to make your situation better so you can be together sooner rather than later, bad economy be damned. ;)
Best of luck!
-
Only one answer I see. Truth! I got laid off too last month and she's been very supportive and ecouraging. She may have ideas you might not think of yourself.
-
Yes , the Truth and nothing but the Truth . One lie will turn to two and so on , til one forget's his own first lie that started everything .
Some of these Women , will wait for you and understand your situation , while other's don't . This is because , these Lady's all know , not just us , how much money ( close to it ) it takes to make this venture real . I'm sure nine out of ten want to leave China and be with their Man , when the time comes . So having no Job , little saving's , is going to make this wait too long for them . Can you blame them for that ?
I can't . Besides , you have to convince the Parent's that you are a Man that will and can take care for their Daughter , which is not easy , having no Job . I also know , it's not for ever , to be without a Job , but they don't look at it this way , like we do . Remember , different country , different culture .
-
Bottom line in developing any relationship should be trust first and foremost. If there is no trust there is no point to try to make it work. My first Chnlove relationship I explained to my girl that I was unemployed by no fault of my own. She explained this to her mother and suddenly I was poison, after three letters of getting slammed I ended the contact because there was no way of winning out over her mother's opinion of me. Crazy part was that I had a job waiting for me in China with a free furnished western apartment to boot. Like Vince said if they cannot accept you for you or your circumstances, it is best to walk away with a clear conscience knowing you were totally upfront with her and her family. If the woman loves you she'll understand and try to work things out.
China Shark Mike
-
I Agee with the guys about telling the truth but it hurts like hell telling them,and you try to save it becase you dont know how long your going tobe out of work all that time you too have spent getting to now each other and for me i hade to let her go we was writeing emails to each other for a bit last one i got have you found a job yet my reply was no not yet last i have heard from her since my last email saying i not got a job yet.I know what your saying arnold about not blameing them for moveing on but it makes you think did they really love you in the first place not eaven giveing you a proper chance to get a new job,ad i allways hearing the guys say you have to give are woman a chance to understand things and all that what about about us guys too or is it only a one way street,what im trying to say what about are feelings to but there agen mybe i did not pick the right one sorry if it seems im going poor old me thats not how i mean it.
-
I Agee with the guys about telling the truth but it hurts like hell telling them,
I hear ya victor. I can understand telling her bad news since it would feel as if your losing face but there's another perspective to consider. When I asked my lady why there was 10yrs difference in her kids ages, she told me she remarried her husband to try it again. I didnt realize how much she viewed this as another shame in her life. To admit she's failed her marriage twice with the same man, but she was honest about it. I wrote her and told her that I was glad she would try so hard to make things work for the sake of the family and praised her efforts. Her reply was extraordinary and nearly every sentence you could hear her sigh's of relief. She said she was afraid I would be upset to learn this, but she didn't lie about it. She told me the truth, as much shame as she felt about it and the risks that came with it, but in return I gave her face instead.
Leading up to my layoff, i was going nutz with my job. They had closed our regional office and laid everyone off but me and i was stuck working from home, 2000 miles from corporate. Hardly any email, no direction... nothing. A week before i got laid off I was telling her I was hoping they would lay me off and save me from this insanity of boredom. She understood since I had helped her understand how I was feeling. When the day came, I wrote her about it and she didn't skip a beat and offered support and encouragement.
Not every relationship is gonna be like that but if you meet that lady that you can truly bond with and regardless of losing face with her and be honest, she'll know she can trust you to be honest with her. If her faith in you isn't strong enough to withstand the ups and downs in life then it's likely not a lady that will survive those ups and downs.
-
You got it in one Ed cheers mate.
-
Stay strong Victor! keep up the fight and don't lose pace. We're all behind ya.
-
Victor , that's just it , if your Lady friend decide's to let you go after loosing your Job , she is not worth it , she doesn't love you the way you want her to love you , if she is not willing to stick around . If it's after a few month's or a year , it does not make a difference . She is showing you how she feel's about this and it is a warning to you , let it go . I someone marries this Woman , year's later if you loose a Job , she is still going to think this way , it's not going to change , or very very seldom .
How often I see this kind of People leaving the other , because of a health problem or after an Accident . That is not True Love and never will be .
-
I agree tell her the truth right away... developing a relationship with a big lie as part of it will do no good in the end but
break some hearts. Tell her the truth and see what you can work out...
If she works with you and helps you through this tough time and sticks by you then you know you have a keeper! :D
Big Dave
-
Stuart
as a side issue does "Deeply Vale" ring any bells?
-
no Paul
you'll have to explain that one,dont ring any bells
-
Hi Stuart
Back in the mid 70's some friends and I set up the "Deeply Vale Peoples Free Festival" not to far from Bury. Kept it together for 3 years.I knew it was a long shot that maybe you went, best attendance was only a few thousand,but you never know. Have you thought about moving to find work? Flt drivers are always in demand down here.I can look around for you if you like.best of luck my friend.
-
All the 70's i was down plymouth and portsmouth in the RN didn't get back up this way till the 80's
ive looked for some jobs and south of Birmingham there loads and nowt up here,i will have to think about my options.thanks paul
-
I would tell her. It is best to know now how she will handle this stuff. If she goes then so be it. There are a lot of other women. If she stays that also tells you she is a keeper. That way you know she is not in it for the money. If she stays, she is well worth the time and effort and money you will need to spend to get her here. You know she will probably not dump you once she gets here. She is in it for the long haul. Besides how can you feel that she is really in love with you or you her if you have not actually been together. I know you can feel that you could but you cant know 100% until you have been together. Remember the agencies sometimes "enhance" the letters. So this is actually a pretty good test.
-
Well now , that is a Man thinking with the Head between the Ear's . hehe
You right about not knowing 100% til you meet face to face , but in my case it was close , a 99.99999% sure thing .
-
Thanks guys, i sort of knew when i wrote it, it didn't feel right,but i suppose its because when i tell her then its 95%certain its going to be the end.
Afterall no job means no future for her,which i fully understand, but still when you put everything into it,its a little difficult.
On a different note,can anybody tell me why a lady can dump you without any explanation?
but if you want to block them your advised to give a reason,why cant it work both ways
-
White lies or not saying something to hurt another even it is true is allowed in my books. Even loving people do it.
-
Oiler , loving People do it , yes that's right . But those are Couple's that most likely been married already for year's and do not want their Spouse hurt in any way . So white lies and not mentioning certain things , is okay . Because you have a strong relationship already build . But starting out on that bases is not Kosher with those Lady's . It's like a foundation , the better the Cement you use the stronger and better it will carry the weight of an relationship .
-
Oiler , loving People do it , yes that's right . But those are Couple's that most likely been married already for year's and do not want their Spouse hurt in any way . So white lies and not mentioning certain things , is okay . Because you have a strong relationship already build . But starting out on that bases is not Kosher with those Lady's . It's like a foundation , the better the Cement you use the stronger and better it will carry the weight of an relationship .
Arnold, do you consider a person not telling you things is lying? There may be a lot of things in a person's background they don't want you to know about. For me that's quite ok as I am the same way. Nothing is black and white and I don;t expect anyone to be absolutely prefect or without faults.
-
Oiler , I don't think it's lying , not telling you certain things . Like about her / his ex's , for some it's a must know , while other's rather not . So for not telling of your complete past , is not wrong in my Eyes . Why would anyone drag this old luggage into a new relationship or marriage anyway . You and myself and other's know quite well what real Lies are and there not okay to say the least . One just needs to put themself's in the other shoe and go from there . I can truely say . I have not lied to anyone in many year's and I am proud of that fact . It feels good .