China Romance

All About China => Understanding Chinese Women => Topic started by: dumbo on December 06, 2011, 10:47:17 am

Title: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: dumbo on December 06, 2011, 10:47:17 am
My wife moved from China at the end of July. I went to China five times before she received her green card, we met through chnlove. I have been reading the posts here, we have some problems in our marriage due to culture and me being single for too long. However, I believe now my wife has a mental problem or may be I have a mental problem because I think she needs help. She has a son from a previous marriage 7 years old. Our son is doing well in school, he is learning English fast, his public school has a Chinese immersion program so they teach English and Chinese. My wife on the other hand misses China. She thinks it was a mistake to marry me and come over here. Since July she has hit me 3 times, she has hit our son one time. She has a bad temper so I was used to some of the verbal temper, but I didn't expect to get into something like this. In all cases, the arguements or her reasons for hitting me are childish. later, she feels about what has happened, I have learnt that it is difficult for her to say sorry. I have tried several appoaches to get her to seek mental help. I suspect she has bipolar or some other type of depression. I am getting strong reaction from her not see a doctor. She comes up with many excuses, she has stopped attending social events with me. She is afraid to meet other Chinese people because she has trouble saying she is divorced and she has met me through  the internet. Her family knows that she has hit me and her sister wrote me an email saying she will do her best to convince her to get help. Does anyone any suggestions? I am hoping she can talk to one of the brothers wife who is already in the USA and may be she can talk to her about challenges in moving to USA?

I am self employed financial advisor/insurance agent so I have a good health insurance  plan, I will do my best to help her get the treatment she needs.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Arnold on December 06, 2011, 11:31:36 am
Dumbo , we all know .. that like a Smoker .. you can not help much .. unless THEY themselves are reallizing that the problem is with them and not the surrounding world .
Counting out of course , there are reasons that we don't know about .. that causes her to act in this way . Being Homesick after six months is not really a big enough problem on hand to start hitting you over the Head , there are more serious issues with your Wife .
You say , you've been to China five times . Have you NOT noticed that this problem could arrive , as you must have talked about this move over and over ? Prepare her to whats to come or not to come . Being ashamed seeing other People of her Race due to her background doesn't really help matters any .
You are going to need a lot of Patience my Friend to work this through , but only if her love for YOU is strong enough .. otherwise I see not a happy end in sight .
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Vince G on December 06, 2011, 12:36:43 pm
There is not enough info to even make an opinion. What causes the violence? and here in the US it is just that and there are consequences. She can't be missing China that much if she won't talk with other chinese people? If it seems that it will help? Send her back to her family. Let her spend a little time there. I would talk to the family also and if this was hidden? or you didn't see this before? ask the family. It could be frustration or a number of other things. She needs help.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: dumbo on December 06, 2011, 02:38:57 pm
Thanks for the replies. I didn't see this coming when I visited her 5 times over 2 years. The first 2 times I stayed over 4 weeks each time and we lived together so I would have known if she had mental issues. Had she hit me in an arguement there, I would have ended the relationship long time ago. I noticed frustration with waiting for the visa and all the questions immigration asked back and forth. She was convinced that she would not get the visa for all kinds of small reasons and I think that was the start of her paronoia. I told her that she would get the visa and if small chance something happens and the visa is delayed I would move there for 6 months and teach English and the reapply from within China. She didn't like talking about her divorce while we were in China. Again, I understand this, because Chinese culture is not really open to the issue of divorce. I didn't make a big deal of this. One problem my friends here have pointed out is that her ex husband was very wealthy. He has left her a lot of money in divorce, I am doing okay by American standards but I am not wealthy like him. I am financial advisor for regular folks and I make enough to pay for rent and expenses. I never promised her a very wealthy life style. I am puzzled by her reluctance to talk to other Chinese folks, I strongly believe this is related to some mental disease and she is trying to avoid social contact. It is possible she was becoming bipolar over time and I didn't notice it, and moving here triggered this kind of response. I am also trying to get her to go back to China for few weeks and have her stay with family. I will have to take care our son for few weeks. Treatment options for a mental disease are not very good in China, but her family may convince her it is okay to receive help here.

The issue of whether I prepared her well to move here is a good one. I thought I did by American standards but she may have expected more. I selected a public school that teaches English and Chinese for our son. Her ex husband is very happy I did this and she is happy with it too. I am sometimes slow to buy things that she asks for. This gets her frustrated. She is unhappy about my very flexible and ever changing schedule as a financial advisor. We didn't have this issue when I was in China as I was able to adjust my schedule. I don't believe I do anything that is a reason for her to hit me.

I can't speak directly with her family but I write emails and write back in Chinese. I am going to try to get her back to China. I would appreciate advice from brothers who already have Chinese wives on how to get her to see a doctor here. This subject would not be easy with an American girl, it is even harder with a Chinese wife.

 
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Vince G on December 06, 2011, 03:54:18 pm
Mental disorders are complex and very hard to pinpoint a diagnosis. A "average" bipolar has deep depression and springs back and forth. She may have a chemical imbalance which can cause mood swings. Is she rational in her actions? Does she swing at you for saying hello? or is it from anger in an argument? Does she get up in the middle of the night and put on makeup? sits in a rocking chair waiting for you to wake?

What your describing sounds more like just someone spoiled?   
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Arnold on December 06, 2011, 04:58:49 pm
She may have a chemical imbalance which can cause mood swings. Is she rational in her actions? Does she swing at you for saying hello? or is it from anger in an argument? Does she get up in the middle of the night and put on makeup? sits in a rocking chair waiting for you to wake?

You have just discribed my Brother's Ex , that he left after some twenty years and one Daughter .. that was more than happy my brother left her . It drove both of them up the wall with her mood swings . A Cell Phone does not work after you drop it into your Coffee , just one of the things she would do out of the blue .
Getting the "RIGHT" Meds for those People is very difficult and then .. have them take it on a regular bases is another thing . Dumbo , I hope that she's is only Homesick and not be a case of Life Style .. that she had with Ex . How many years was she married to him , if we may ask ?
I think you are doing the best by convincing her to go back for a while and be with Family . Get this done and take it from there . How old is the Son ? Let's hope it doesn't effect him while Mom is gone .

Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Jason B on December 06, 2011, 05:37:52 pm
I would be very careful about calling it bipolar.  I once went out and lived with for a time a girl who was diagnosed with bipolar.  There are a lot of trigger signs that can point towards this mental illness.  The most obvious one being manic.  Does she appear calm and collected , in control and happy go lucky sort of attitude, which we would term normal behaviour, for a period of time say a month or two months, and then not get out of bed, sad and depressed the next day without any foreseen reason?  Does she impulse buy things for no reason?  These are some signs of bipolar.  Medications can help if it is diagnosed properly.  Some famous people have bipolar and with meds lead very normal lives.  Stephen Fry is one that springs to mind.

There maybe underlying frustrations that have not or she feels can not be expressed, whether this is a language issue or an age difference issue I am unsure of, maybe a little more family dynamics explanation would be helpful to enable others to offer the best advice.  Ask the son has she behaved like this before?  Is this a side of his mum that he has not seen before?  It maybe a simple case of she is frustrated with everything at the moment, like you said your work times are not fixed and she could be expecting some more normal routines to help her adjust to moving to the US.  6 months is a while to be able to adjust, but everyone is different and if there is no definate patterns in her life and she is bipolar this could tip the balance.

Ask her friends and family if this is a normal behaviour pattern and then and only then seek mental illness intrevention as medication will help but not if it is misdiagnosed.  This does need to be sorted immediately for everyone concerned.  If it is not a mental illness I would recommend councelling for everyone of you to get to the bottom of what is causing this behaviour and then you can all make a better judgement on the way forward.  All of the advice you will receive here is from some one else's point of view and experiences.  They are not living your life and only you, your wife and son can come up with the answers to move forward, whatever way that maybe.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: David E on December 06, 2011, 05:52:53 pm
I dont know if we can even begin to fully understand what is going on with your Wife/your relationship, these are difficult and complex matters and for us to attempt to theorise about mental/medical conditions and treatments is unwise and unsafe.

But lets be very clear....when you arrive at physical violence, then you are a long way down a very slippery slope.

If you cant get your wife to acknowlege a problem and go to see a Doctor about it, maybe you can find some local Counselling Service that has Chinese Counsellors who may be able to begin a process, leading to a more rational approach to acceptance.

After about 5 months in US it is possible that she is in the train-wreck where reality meets unrealistic expectations.....especially from her perspective. Only you can fully understand what may have changed...have you looked deeply at yourself ?, have you continued to behave towards her in your "normal" day to day life as you did when you were courting her in China ? Do you feel that she had genuine expectations of life (prosperity) in US that are not being met ?. Has she become secondary to your daily grind of work, money and all the trivia that gets in the way...as we all know !!

If, on the other hand, she secretly had expectations of her new life that were totally unrealistic, then she will inevietably come to internal conflict at some time...maybe this is the time....how to fix this is impossible to say.....either she deals with the changes, or she doesn't. You cannot be responsible for her expectations UNLESS you led her to believe that her life would be something different to what it now is.

Either which way, it is essential that she gets some help. I regret to say that packing her off to China for a "rest" would not be my preferred strategy...you are putting a band-aid on a Cancer and hoping for a miracle cure !!!

For myself.....if my wife ever got to hit me, it would be a signal that a lot, lot, lot of other things have gone wrong before this....and she would only hit me once !!!...because the single air fare to China would be purchased the same day !!!

You need to deal with this quickly, personally and ultimately be prepared to walk away if all else fails

Just my 2 cents worth
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Vince G on December 06, 2011, 06:40:15 pm
Either which way, it is essential that she gets some help. I regret to say that packing her off to China for a "rest" would not be my preferred strategy..

I didn't see it or mean it this way. To clarify, it may give her time to collect herself and realize if she has a problem? that she needs help, or whatever her problem is will surface for her to comprehend. If there is no other way? a comfort zone may help.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Willy The Londoner on December 07, 2011, 12:31:04 am
Hi Dumbo

I am not au fait with your history in this matter. I am only providing an insight into a reversed situation after I started to live in China Permanently.

I went through a period where I almost cut myself off from the World -   For awhile I DID actually miss being in the UK for a couple of months.  This was after I had been here for about 6 months.  I never got round to hitting anyone but I did start to feel frustrated at times. No English people to talk to, no contact with the Uk.

I found that by getting  more into the local life and chatting on skype both to people here and in the UK I soon got me over it.  BUT I did not have a close family. My sisters were scattered all over the place and we rarely go together so I had no one to really miss it was just a feeling of lonliness that came over me.

Before we all jump to conclusions just step back and question yourself and what has happened in past 5 months.

You son is at school and doing OK - kids are resiliant anyway - especially the under ten's.   I note that you was hoping a member could talk with her, so does that mean that there are no Chinese locally she is in contact with who she can just chat with? 

It is a major upheaval for most Chinese Woman to not only leave their country but more important, leaving what was probably a large extended family and going to a place where lonliness can be more of a problem.

I would say that he actions are more a cry for help.  Maybe hidden deep down she is hoping you will say that she can go back to China for a while.  How is her English? Is it good or is she still learning it. The lack of language can  add to lonliness especially if she does not feel confident in joining neighbours in a conversation.

As she has been away now for 5 months, have you  made any plans for a visit back to China yet.    You know that Chinese women rarely comes out and say's exactly what the problem is, they skirt around things.  Has she her own money to travel if she wanted to?

My wife went to ther UK with me on a vacation last year.  She said that she could never live there whcih suited me as I never want to live there again either. BUT if I had wanted to live there then she would have relocated there. BUT she would not have been happy about it. Heck when we were looking to buy an apartment here she was concerned about moving 5 miles away from all her family and friends and your wife has gone thousands of miles without being able to get a taste of life in the USA before the move.

I think that you must really consider offering her the chance of going back to China for the Chinese New Year. Of course doing that may mean that she will not return to the USA but regular trips back home could be the saviour of the marriage. A trip home in every school vaction could be just the ticket to bring back her happiness.    If she does not return home then that will be a risk but one worth taking for her future happiness.
 
Willy
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Martin on December 07, 2011, 01:08:30 am
Between David and Willy's posts, there is really nothing of value that I can add. Let us know how things are going, and what route you take. Keep us posted. This is important for all members to know about, as similar issues may crop up for guys.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on December 07, 2011, 08:09:40 am
plesse don't take this personal martin.  If I remember right your wife was in your country, befoe you split up.. maybe you could talk to Dumbo on phone, you never know, there may be similarities betwen you. if I remember right, yor wife went back home tochina, didn't she?

Dumbo, what Willy and David says could be true. The lonliness does get to you.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Martin on December 07, 2011, 08:31:58 am
No offence take Rob...but I don't think our circumstances are the same...from what I read.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on December 07, 2011, 09:41:01 am
not knowing your circumstances, I don't remember you posting the reasons for your split up... I can understand what you mean
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: kenny on December 07, 2011, 10:18:04 am
How does she talk to her family and how often? I have a international phone and my wife calls her family very often. I mean several members of her family and will talk sometimes for 2 or 3 hours at a time. I think it is worth its wait in gold. There are not any other chinese people around here for her to talk to so I think this works wonders for her piece of mind. (and it is fun to watch her talk to them as well )
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Pineau on December 07, 2011, 02:57:00 pm
 I would say she does not  sound bipoloar to me. More like anxiety and paranoia, isolated and withdrawn.  Maybe she is just not happy with the way things turned out.

What ever the final diagnosis is, if it truely a mental  illness you are in for a rough road. Doctors are not always accurate with diagnosis and the choice of medcations they give you. It may worsen the symptoms or even create new ones. You will need to watch her very close to look for possible side affects. 

But your biggest problem is to convince her she needs help. If you cant convince her maybe it wold be good for her to go home for a while and let the family work on her.

Pineau
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Jason B on December 07, 2011, 04:30:34 pm
One way for her to meet people and feel more comfortable and more confident by socialising is by doing some courses.  I do not know if the USA offers the same thing that they do in Australia where part of the visa process is that the person is entitled to 508 hours of free learn English classes and about 200 hours of job training.  My wife is doing these now and loves it.  She gets out of the house and socialises with not only other Chinese people doing the course but other foreigners as well.  Maybe your wife is feeling trapped and frustrated.  But in this world of zero tolerance nobody deserves to be hit no matter the gender.  It need sorting.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Arnold on December 07, 2011, 06:18:21 pm
Free 508 english class Hours  ???    :o leave it up to the Aussie's  ;D ;D ;D

Make sure Jason , your Wife takes those last 8 Hours .. there the most important !!!
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Amber on December 07, 2011, 07:33:22 pm
   你好。我是一名来自中国的女士。看到你的信。知道你现在家庭遇到困惑。我可以与你的妻子。连线QQ。或雅虎。或电话通话。这样从谈话中得到她现在一些思想?听你的说法。事情发生是糟糕局面。但我以中国女人的个人思想考虑。你的太太只是语言障碍。促使她对美国的生活习惯。有着不同理解。我不清楚你太太现在的年龄时代是什么?也许女人在更年期时期。情绪紧张。语言理解困难。两国家生活差异大。迫使他情绪有波动期。这是我的见解。不妨我们在沟通中得到。
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: shaun on December 07, 2011, 08:10:10 pm
You know Amber may have something there.  Menopause.  How old is your wife?

I know in my vast knowledge of menopausal wives... 1...   :-[  Wild mood swings and hitting was the course.  She once told a friend of ours  that she understood how a woman could kill her husband.  (gulp!)
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: David E on December 07, 2011, 10:11:18 pm
One way for her to meet people and feel more comfortable and more confident by socialising is by doing some courses.  I do not know if the USA offers the same thing that they do in Australia where part of the visa process is that the person is entitled to 508 hours of free learn English classes and about 200 hours of job training.  My wife is doing these now and loves it.  She gets out of the house and socialises with not only other Chinese people doing the course but other foreigners as well.  Maybe your wife is feeling trapped and frustrated.  But in this world of zero tolerance nobody deserves to be hit no matter the gender.  It need sorting.

Yep...bloody good idea Jase

Ming has enrolled in her 508 hours worth and is loving it. The College is only 10 minutes from home and she is doing 4 hours per day. She meets many different Chinese women and of course, people from all over the World. She got in at level 2 so she is doing good meaty English and they are pestering her to get her Uni degree certified so she can get a good job !!!...but selfish me dont want her to work......the only way out for me is to let her have the baby she wants...then she need not work !!!!....hey ho....decisions, decisions, decisions ....!!!
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Jason B on December 08, 2011, 03:50:54 am
the only way out for me is to let her have the baby she wants...then she need not work !!!!....hey ho....decisions, decisions, decisions ....!!!

Too late for me, I have told her she does not have to work and can stay home and be with the baby.  Maybe then we can have another.......
Have told her to get her mum to bring her papers from China if she comes next year to see the baby so we can get them translated too.  I have heard but not confirmed that the place Xia goes to will translate them for free as they will help her if/when she looks for work or any courses she decides.  Or if she needs to do a bridging course to equate the Chinese degree with an Australian one.

Menopause could be an issue, but I have no idea about that..........we are not old enough to be there yet.  Please keep us updated
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: dumbo on December 08, 2011, 06:12:10 pm
Thanks for all the support and replies. I have a hard time responding at home and internet was out at my office. I will respond in more detail tomorrow. I used to think that if a female hit me I would leave her immediately too. But she is my wife now, I can't do that. We are married for good days and bad days. I will help her and support her. If she has a mental disease like I suspect that is more reason why I will stay with her. She has a 7 year old son who now considers me the father. Last night we set up the first christmas tree of his life.

His natural father is a wealthy Chinese Businessman, he has left plenty of money and property to her. She does not need me in anyway financially rest of her life. She also is frugal just like most Chinese women.  When we met in China, I also told her if she is looking for just a green card, she can come to USA on the investor visa program and we can live together. She always said she wanted to have a father for her son. She was also looking for someone who wasn't very rich. I still make the point that I pay the bills for my self and pay most of the household bills, she pays anything related to our son's school and also helps me with shopping. Once she  offered to buy me a new car and I refused because I don't want to use her ex husbands money. Now may be I am not rich and suddenly she realises that I will never become very rich like her ex husband and this is stressing her out.

The bipolar suggestion also came from some of my friends. I ignored it at first, but the mood swings are extreme. She has hit me 3 times and kicked once our 7 year old son. This all happened in the last 5 months. When she is depressed she will kneel on the floor in the kitchen and not communicate with anyone. She will also sit in the back seat when she is mad at me. This can sometimes go on for a week. She can have very high energy days followed by very low energy days. She can explode at me at any notice. Her paranoia is extreme at times. I tell her all my client meetings and she gets very jealous if I am meeting any female clients. We can't bring any guests to our house because the house is never ready. Last night she got mad at our son because he could not remember how to write the color green in Chinese characters. He is only 7 years old. 
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on December 08, 2011, 06:30:09 pm
Dumbo, I am not a doctor, but suffering with the same symptons, I was declared Clinically depressed.  This sounds very similare

The anger fits come through simple little things, can be caused by stress or feeling frustrated.  The low and high energy days relate to the way your feeling on that particular day.

Please talk her into seeing the doctor.

Rob
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Willy The Londoner on December 09, 2011, 12:39:14 am
I have spoken to my wife on this and we have come to the opinion that she has probably become depressed.

My wife suggests that although the son gaining a father has been an improvement,  other parts of her life may have not!  Frugal she may be, but frugal with money backing her.  Probably a lot back home.   Her new husband pays the household bills - buts what's left in it for her?  She has no income I presume other than what comes from China.   She has property in China but in the USA she is, according to Dumbo, living in a property with him where he pays the rent.   

Our feelings is that her life has not improved to the extent that she is happy to discuss it with others.  She sees herself as a divorced woman with a child who has HAD to take a foreign man as husband and who was one that was willing to take on another man's child.   Whatever we on here think, that is not so good to the Chinese mind. 

She wants to be seen in a new car - that will show her life has improved but her offer was turned down.  Her new husband does not want her to use the money provided by her ex.  It is her money and her new husbands dogma is not wanting to use it but keep her in a position which she feels is no improvement.   The biggest problem when marrying Chinese lady is that there has to be improvement or at least a sense of it.

Love is one thing but they, and others near to her,  need to see that the ladies life has changed for the better.   Not only financially, although as we know from past cases, when the income goes then so may the wife.

She is probably alone at home all the time whilst her husband is out working, and his job probably often keeps him out into the evening.  Chinese men who are out at all times in the evening usually are womanising.  That is probably why she divorced her ex.  So she has that in the back of her mind.

Ok Dumbo probably told her he would visit clients but because he was always available when in China she may well have thought he would be home every evening with her.

Her life in the USA may not not be what she envisaged although before she arrived she probably thought she would get used to it. 

It is probably in her mind that other Chinese woman in the USA have improved their lifes whereas she feels hers has stood still or even slide downwards a bit.


We know that it takes a lot to fathom out a Chines woman's mind but seeing a doctor who she cannot converse with freely so that both will understand her will be a problem unless she is absolutely fluent in English.   

It is still our opinion that she spend some time in China so that she can assess if American life is really for her.

Willy

Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Philip on December 09, 2011, 06:15:51 am
It is difficult to speculate, other than your wife is suffering from depression. Whether this is in response to her environment, her expectations, or a chemical imbalance, I'm not sure, not knowing her and not being medically-trained.
I do wonder whether she has articulated any of her frustrations, with words rather than fists. What does she want? What would she like her future to be, now she has lived with you for a few months? Does she want to work? Does she want to study? Can you have these kind of discussions? Can she articulate her feelings to you?
I teach young children, and find that physical aggression is often the only way some children can communicate their frustrations. This is because their language is inadequate to express their emotions. I am not suggesting your wife is a child, but the language barrier, coupled with her lack of an outlet to communicate her frustrations, plus a possible cul-de-sac in her expectations for the future could be an explosive mix.
When I speak with my wife about our future, it is sometimes difficult to find out what she wants. She defers to me, she says we can live anywhere, she will follow me, she is happy if I am happy, I can get any job, she doesn't mind. But I tell her that I need to know what she wants. And after a lot of discussion, sometimes, I actually find out, and then I tell her how much I appreciate her telling me.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: djal on December 22, 2011, 08:30:14 pm
I really feel for you.  I haven't read the other posts .... but how about getting a psychologist (who speaks Chinese) to talk to her on the phone and convince her to come and consult him/her.  I know in China it is not usual for people to consult a psy for help.  Just tell her psychologists see many people in America for all kind of issues... and they can really help.

My two cents.

Best of luck,

Alain
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: dumbo on December 25, 2011, 07:37:46 pm
Thanks for all the responses here and private messages. I got hit several punches two kicks and my sweater got ripped off today. I wrote what happened to her sister I also asked if my wife ex husband can come here for awhile. May be he can convince her to get some help. The situation is not very good.

I will try to answer some of the questions. She lived in Sweeden for one year when our son was 2 years old. So I didn't anticipate too much culture shock from her as she had already lived outside China before. May be this was wrong. She has a part time job and she goes to school part time for ESL. Her English is pretty good. She wanted to work in a daycare at first and we had plans to run one ourselves. I suggested to her to find a babysitter job first and then she could learn more about the American culture and open her own daycare one year later. I also didn't want her to start any work in the first 3 months. we also talked about her working in my business together. She was interested in that, she worked in a stock trading company before. I work late Monday nights from home phoning clients, Tuesday and Thursday I come home late and Wendesday I am home at 2 o'clock and and take our son to violin lessons. Saturday morning I again work from home and then we go outside to the public library. I understand the part about may be I am womanizing on the nights I am out. I can't change my job for her, However, I took it very easy in the first 3 months and I avoided making too many night appointments. She has access to my appointment system online, I also gave her my passwords so she has access to my bank accounts and credit cards. I know she is paranoid about me seeing someone.

She does refuse any mental help. Today our son got close to calling 911. In many ways I wished he had called, it looks like this is going to escalate pretty badly. She has no interest to go back to China, I think when I got her family involved, their response was we don't want our divorced daughter to come back to China and she may not have received a very warm support. Her ex husband is more supportive, even though I don't know what he says in Chinese to her. He gives her pretty good advice and tries to rationalize her.

I am told by doctors that you can't force someone into a mental treatment program, it will backfire. The best thing that may happen is that I have a very good relationship with our son. He may force her into therapy. I am working on this, it is not easy, I am trying to explain when your mom acts crazy it is not your fault. Lets see what happens 
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Vince G on December 25, 2011, 10:30:39 pm
I am told by doctors that you can't force someone into a mental treatment program, it will backfire.

Not true. You can have her committed to a mental health facility for assessment. What State are you in?
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: maxx on December 25, 2011, 11:41:09 pm
Vince you missed Dumbo's point.What Dumbo is saying is.If you force the woman to go to the head shrinker.She will feel resentment and fight the treatment program all the way.Then she will get it in her head that people are out to stick her in a mental hospital.It just goes down hill from there.The lady needs to think that it is her idea to talk to the head shrinker.That is the only way it will work.She has to admit that she has a problem.And want to seek help for her problem.

If her son had called 911.And the cops showed up.The cops would of took her to a mental facility for observation.And then they could of held her from 48 to 74 hours for observation.Then they could of held her for however long the treatment took.You have to be very carefull on how this is done.Because you and the police are trampling on her civil liberties.The only way that she can be held is if she proves to be a danger to herself or those around her

Dumbo my advice to you is next time something like this happens.You or her son need to call 911.It is dangerous and foolish to live with somebody that is struggling with these kind of anger issues.You are not doing anybody any good.By trying to deal with this by yourself.She needs some professional help.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Vince G on December 26, 2011, 12:28:52 am
I don't agree Maxx, calling 911 and when the police arrive they would cart her off to jail for Domestic Violence (if he has marks or blood drawn and or a witness she being the aggressor) and she'd be back the next day unless she seems completely unraveled then they may bring her to the jails mental ward or hospital (depends where, city/state).

If he has her sent into a faculty, she will learn she's not getting out till she cooperates. The longer she resists the longer she stays.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on December 26, 2011, 02:04:45 am
Well said Max, however  The lady needs to think that it is her idea to talk to the head shrinker.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: shaun on December 26, 2011, 07:00:23 am
I do have a little experience with this.  If 911 is called and they send a properly trained office on a domestic dispute he should be able to evaluate the woman and take her to a facility.

Dumbo you should call 911 the next time this happens.  Don't wait for your son to do it.  In later years he could possibly dislike you for not doing it.  That aside you can explain to the officer all that has happened in the past.  Don't suggest to him that you think she should be taken to and institution because then you are revealing your motivation to him and it could discredit the information you have given him.  You have no way of knowing how much the officer knows or how good he is a recognizing these behaviors as being mental issues but you should never suggest to him how to do his job.  They don't like that very much.

However if you are successful in getting her admitted to a mental hospital they can more accurately determine what her issues are and the way to overcome them.

But I tell you this, you shouldn't allow her to abuse you in this manner.  He family not stepping in and helping should tell you something.  This has been going on for a very long time.  It isn't something that just happened with you and it isn't your fault.  Next time make the call.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Willy The Londoner on December 26, 2011, 08:22:33 am
If she has a problem and it has been long term then I doubt if we are in a position to offer little more than advice. I know that if i was carted off to a mental facility here then i would have serious doubts about staying with the person responsible. Whether I needed it of not I would not appreciate it.

That being said then this is a problem that can occur with long distance courtships.   Dumbo had five visits here in a couple of years but just how long were these visits for?  Obviously not long enough to notice a problem. 

I met my wife and was courting her here for 5 months solid before going into the marriage stakes.  Unfortunately not many of you are able to do it the way I did but as they say you do not really know a persion before you live with them.

Willy
 

Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Vince G on December 26, 2011, 09:31:25 am
Willy you are right but I was just saying forceable action may be all that's left.

I met a girl that moved here a few years ago. As I was sitting at her place I realized she was not only not for me but something was off about her. Then she told me that her "boyfriend" had her committed for 3 months. When she got out she left him and the state. Lucky me?
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: yvictor on January 02, 2012, 01:33:31 am
Dumbo,

I am really sorry to hear about your problems. I had a similar problem with my ex-wife, in terms of trying to convince her to seek help.ee
In her case violence was not an issue, but she was suffering from depression and alcoholism.
I tried for years to convince her to seek help.
In the end I just gave up and divorced her - she only went to treatment at that point.
It was good for her to go since she got her alcohol problem solved, but way too late for our relationship.

Based on my personal experience, if I have to deal with anything like this next time around my strategy will be to bail out as fast as I can, since I don't believe it is worth try to fix such a bit issue, life is too short and we need to move on.
This is just my 2 cents - sorry if I'm sounding too negative, but wanted to tell you about my experience.

(After the above experience I remarried, my new wife is Chinese (my ex was not). That's what attracted me to this forum, reading about other people's experiences with Chinese fiancees and wives. I know this is off-topic, but since this is my first post I thought I'll say it here anyways - I like a lot the topics on this forum!).

Victor
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on January 02, 2012, 05:50:36 pm
Yvictor welcome mate :D
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: yvictor on January 02, 2012, 07:53:14 pm
Thanks, Scottish_Robbie, it is good to be here :-)
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Arnold on January 02, 2012, 09:26:52 pm
I also Welcome you Victor and appreciate anything you can offer our Member's , that can help in any way towards future Relationships .
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: 2hip on January 03, 2012, 12:30:37 am
I congratulate you on your handling of a very difficult and disturbing topic.  You are a better man than I am.  I understand that you have bonded to the boy.  That is gut wrenching to think about bailing out.  But at some point you need to address that very issue of "when is it enough".  Do you understand the mental and physical toll it is taking on you?  It is a very disturbing situation.

If she has serious mental health issues they may never be cured.  You will just become numb to her erratic behavior and become a shell of a man.  I would tell her there are no options left for the two of you.  Either she gets into evaluation and then treatment or it is quits.  You can not go around your life waiting for the next IED device to go off and maime you.  This will also cause problems for the boy later on his life when he imprints this behavior into his catalogue of life in marriage.

My hat is off to you.  This is a freaking nightmare.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Peter Arnold on January 03, 2012, 06:41:02 am
I also welcome you YVictor. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. These are very wise words. You did what needed to be done and moved out of a dysfunctional relationship and moved on. I don't see this as negative, as there were two positive changes. One for you, and one for your ex.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: dumbo on January 12, 2012, 12:57:53 pm
Thanks for all the help and support, I am hanging in for now but divorce looks more likely everyday. I haven't decided on how to continue my relationship with the boy. I always believe doing whats in the best interest of the children, I also see that I need to move on with my life. I am slowly giving up on trying to work my marriage. There is so much I can do, so much abuse I can take. Life goes on.

I am trying to get her sisters to send her a plane ticket to go back to China for a while. Then lets see what happens. I appreciate all the offers of help here. I also think that she is depressed over that I am not wealthy or rich like her ex-husband. She didn't think about these may be when we were in China, but at the end of the day, if she wants to be married to a rich person, she is not the right person for me. I will move on easily with my life. I also married her because I always believed she would do whats best for children. Lately, she has taken our arguements in front of our son, this hurts me and our son, but also makes me move away from her. I don't want to be with someone who abuses children.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Arnold on January 12, 2012, 01:42:35 pm
dumbo,
I see that you have given "Her" all the chance's to make this work for the both of you and her Son. If it comes down to a split-up, you can hold your Head high and not blame yourself or be blamed for anything later. Like you, I'd worry about the Son too. Look closely at "Your" choices with him and do also the best you can, it looks though .. you need to let go there too. She'll have the "Higher Word/Card" with her Son always, unless you Proof she crazy (sorry to be calling her that ) and his Father does not care for him.
Sorry it turned out a Nightmare for you, one can not always see the light at the other end of the Tunnel.
Title: Re: How to convince wife to seek help
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 12, 2012, 10:45:23 pm
Sorry but am I reading into this that the finances are a bigger concern that was imagined.  Many Chinese women believe that their menfolk have more money salted away in their home country than they admit to in China. 

You now say that you are trying to get her sisters to provide a plane ticket for her. Does that mean that your finances do not stretch to buying one yourself? Not a critsism but a question.  If so I think that your problem may well lie in the fact that she now fully realises that as a married couple she would be in such financial circumstances.  She could be struggling with a decision as to what she should do next. As I understand it she has her own money and could just go if that was her desire.

Money does play an important part in a good few of the Chinese-Foreigners relationship. More than some of you realise. Too many relationships have floundered after the women find that your wealth is not as they though it would always be.   

Much as we like to think that we married for love I wonder just how many wives always had it in the back of their mind that they would be financially secure by marrying a foreigner.  Those who have a regular income without having to rely on working for it then I can see you having few problems. But for others  I hope that the love is strong enough to survive the loss of a job or a downgrading in pay.

Willy