China Romance
All About China => Understanding Chinese Women => Topic started by: Okie_Rob on April 02, 2009, 11:50:55 am
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This was a post not really a question in the official Chnlove Forum....by A member: Jim from Kelseyville...USA....from his lady....but really gives insite or information on how Chinese men view a divorced Chinese Lady in their country........below is a copy and paste, but written so well:
"This is a paragraph out of a letter I received from a beautiful 50 yr old woman. For some of the really new guys it may help you to understand what the women in China deal with"... "I think I have to tell you why I want to look for a western man. There are facts here in China, and it is also the reasons why I could not find a Chinese man to remarry. The facts are: firstly, most mid-aged single men want to find young beautiful girls (girls in 20s); secondly, most of them want to find rich women, at least the women must have a very nice salary; thirdly, they do not want to accept the women's kids, as they only love their own kids; most people have discrimination on devoiced women, they think the women are not good, China is a traditional country, the old people always said the wife should listen to the husband. So it is very difficult for a divorced woman to find true love in China, although there are also some luck divorced women have found their right men. I feel it is unfair here. I have learned a lot of western culture. I know that in your society, people do not look down up on the divorced women. I want to find a man who love me and want to share his life with me from his heart. I do not care what he has and what he comes from. I just want to find a nice man, hope do not be cheated again. I hope he is honest. And my families told me to bear, to accept, as Chinese women always do, but long time later, I did not want to bear any more, so I stop my last marriage. The life after my divorce was difficult, but I feel better because I get freedom."
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If one was to conduct a poll, probably the "majority" of ChnLove men are also divorced or in their forties & above. So they don't care if the Chinese ladies are divorced. Having witnessed the attitude of Chinese men, they aren't exactly "prize catches" themselves. There was an observation at a Restaurant where the husband entered the place first, followed 5 minutes later by his wife. He ate first. There was no conversation at all during the lunch. As they left, he walked ahead of her. Conclusion, NO courtesy at all. :evil: 90% of Chinese men are liked this. The father of the lady I visited said "I Love You" to his wife once in the past twenty years. Yes, some western men are like this also. A self-respecting woman shouldn't have to put up with this no matter where she's from.
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My lady had a baby girl, her husband left her and remarried very quickly after this. He took her daughter and would only return the child after she signed over her appartment to him. She said it was a "difficult time"!!!!
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Well put guys neaver new it was that bad.
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I didn't notice this when I was in Wuhan...I seen many older men, 30's on up, arm and arm with ladies...I'm assuming wives...Yanfang did tell me she wasn't used to all the I love you's and kisses...she even mentioned something about western women being used to it...damn with any lady I've been with it is the norm...in China it is different! :o
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My Observation on this , is my Wife's Parent's are never affectionate in Public or with us around . The only time I seen them holding Hand's was at our Wedding , from looking at the Photo's . Never a Hug or a Kiss or a Wo ai ni . not that they don't love each other , just strange to see . But that is most likely going to change with the younger Generation coming up , see alot of teen's and young Adult's hugging and kissing in Public . Have to remember though , this is in huge City's like Shanghai and Beijing . One other thing I have noticed , these Men , all keep there mistreating's of Women out of the Public view , unlike here in the States . Here the Men or the Women light up wherever they happen to be .
More power to us , for treating them the way a Woman should be treated .
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Yeah now what your saying vince im lost with that pic too?????
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the new generations show thier feelings more then the older generations, also guys did you know that a divorced woman or a woman with a child is considered untouchable by most Chinese men and that they are talked to badly for dating a Laowie.
I have heard this from at least 14 women in China over the last couple of years, amazing isn't it that Chinese men wouldn't even look at these women, although there is always the exception to any rule.
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Ni Hao Sameldrum!
This happened 22 years ago to my "ai ren", and I believe it was a direct result of the Chinese government introduction of it's one child policy in 1979. In general Chinese men want a son and heir, so a daughter is worthless. Almost one strike and your out.
The Chinese government refers to it under the official translation of family planning policy. It officially restricts the number of children married urban couples can have to one, although it allows exemptions for several cases, including rural couples, ethnic minorities, and parents without any siblings themselves.
The policy has been implicated in an increase in forced abortions and female infanticide, and has been suggested as a possible cause behind China's significant gender imbalance. Nonetheless, a 2008 survey I read [ Pew Research Center ] showed that over 75% of the Chinese population supports this policy. The authorities claim that it has prevented more than 250 million births from its implementation to 2000.
I find it difficult to believe that all Chinese men think this way, as I have a 17year old daughter and spending time with her is wonderful. These people will never have that feeling in there lives, which is sad for both sides.
As for child custody, this explains it far better than I could. http://tech.mit.edu/V118/N57/wan.57c.html
I hope this helps
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Same here vince my lady sead the same he was not botherd with her such a shame.
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You guys have no idea of the vermin that walks these streets. Some of the most childish infantile jerks I've ever encountered in life. It is amazing watching these guys dive for a seat on the bus rather than give it to any women nearby. One time a seat opened up next to me while I was standing and I tried to angle myself so the lady next to me could sit down but too late this little worm jumps in it without a second thought. I know a lot of western guys are bad yet these idiots make our worst look like choirboys. Just once I'de like to pummel one of these scrawny punks to show them what a real man is and not a charatuer like themselves. Well at least we are saving some of them from unhappy fates.
China Shark Mike :mrgreen:
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Mike i dunno, when i was in Guangzhou i was very impressed with how older people and women with kids were treated on the buses and underground. Without exception, seats were given up for the elderly, pregnant women and for women with very young kids, far more so that would be here in Ireland I'm ashamed to say. Maybe I was lucky to be only in Cantonese regions where this is normal decency?
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My faith is restored! My lady's younger brother and his wife had a baby girl and love her just the same as a son. So there not all scumbags.
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Now that is the funniest thing I have seen in a while . The Guy holding her hand is her brother in both photo's , with the love couple , making sure nothing funny happen's before Marriage . How else would one explain this ?
Three's Company with two Guy's / one Girl .
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Abortions and Unmarriageable Men in China
Research published last week in the British Medical Journal has confirmed what Chinese demographers have believed for years. Chinese couples have been aborting female fetuses at an alarming rate. So much so that, according to the paper, "in 2005 males under the age of 20 exceeded females by more than 32 million" and that China will see "very high and steadily worsening sex ratios in the reproductive age group over the next two decades." In one year alone, 2005, more than one million more boys were born than girls.Think of that. An army of 32 million essentially unmarriageable men.:huh:
The study was conducted by three scientists, two from Zhejiang and one from Britain, highlights just one of China's major demographic headaches. (The other main one is the fact that China is aging faster than even many developed countries and is on target to become the first country that will grow old before it gets rich.)
The report is significant because it concludes that sex selective abortion, and not infanticide, accounts for almost all the missing girls. It's also important because it debunks the idea that China's gender imbalance is just on paper, or a product of the notion that couples with girls aren't registering their daughters with the state. The gender imbalance is real. Finally, it indicates that the problem -- first noted in the 1990s -- has gotten significantly worse. From 1985 to 1989, for example, there were 108 boys born for every 100 girls. (The worldwide norm is about 105 boys to every 100 girls.) By 2000 to 2004, it was 124 boys for every 100 girls, before dropping slightly in 2005 to 120 boys for every 100 girls.
Now why do Chinese couples abort their unborn daughters? The reason involves the intersection of new technology, policy and tradition. First the technology. Ultrasounds became available to Chinese couples in the 1980s; by the mid-1990s they were in all county hospitals and even in most township health centers. The government banned doctors from informing the parents about the gender of the fetus and outlawed sex-selective abortions; but in China lots can be accomplished with a little extra scratch.
The policy that pushed this change is China's one-child policy, which was instituted in the 1980s. In the cities, where the policy is strictest, the ratio of males to female births was 110 to 100 -- above the worldwide norm of 105 to 100. An indication, the report said, that even in China's most advanced places, girls were still valued less.
It's in China's countryside where the gender imbalance was most severe. And it's at its most severe when it involves second children. Now in the West, we think of the one-child policy as, well, a one-child policy. In reality, in many parts of China's countryside, it's a two-child policy. (Fact: Most Chinese kids have siblings. There are 300 million kids in China below the age 14, according to official Chinese statistics, only 60 million come from one-child families.) The reason is that in many rural areas if your first child is a daughter or a disabled child, the state gives you a second crack at having a healthy son. And many, many Chinese families are taking that opportunity. Nationwide among second children,146 boys were born for every 100 girls. In some provinces, like Anhui and Jiangsu, more than 190 boys were born for every 100 girls among second kids.
The reason why Chinese families in the countryside like boys is rooted in tradition. Women marry out of the family and take care of their in-laws. Men, however, are responsible for the well-being of their parents (at least theoretically). China has no social safety in rural areas; so everybody wants a son
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/08index_top_e.html
32 mill' are you thinking what I'm thinking:huh:
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I read this in the China daily post the other day.
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And yet there are probably millions of divorced and single ladies out there over 30 that cannot find husbands, its hard to understand.
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Sorry to necro this thread.
If the men fell this way about divorced women (with & without children), how would they feel about an unmarried (never married) solo mother?
I suspect she'd be even less likely to get a boyfriend (let alone a husband), than a divorcée with a daughter.
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Can we get this "Chinese Men" thing in context guys ?
We should stop dumping on Chinese men over their attitude to their Women.
If you think that Chinese men have all got together somewhere and decided to treat Women like dogs, you are mistaken.
Their attitudes have been hard-wired into their behaviour for 3000 years plus! They regard it as pefectly normal and would be horribly confused to know that we think badly of them because of it.
That they dont think like we do is unfortunate, but it is only one of the cultural differences we will find as we begin our search for a Chinese wife.
There are also some glaring cultural difference betwen Chinese women and the idealistic model we have of women in the western world.....again, their way of thinking and doing has also been hard-wired.
If we think that we can simply "retrain" both men and women from China to behave exactly as we would wish in our western world, I think you are sadly mistaken
Know the differences, accept the differences...try to meet half way !....or at least step over the fence and look at it from their perspective....they think we are equally peculiar :):)
DavidE
And yet there are probably millions of divorced and single ladies out there over 30 that cannot find husbands, its hard to understand.
Irish
I dont find it difficult to understand this....in their culture, Men place extreme value on their wife being a virgin who will provide for them a son ! That is how they view life....it is their culture.
Divorced women dont qualify in this, neither does a woman with a child.
David
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hmm ... I think I didn't phrase my question in the right way.
I'm certain not out to denigrate Chinese men nor the Chinese culture and I apologize if that's how it seemed.
I don't think that "Chinese men have all got together somewhere and decided to treat Women like dogs" and certainly didn't insinuate that they did.
What I do want is information ... information on how they think, both men and women. I would have thought that being a solo mum would be outside their culture, their beliefs and their values system, so how did it come about? (I have one theory that has nothing to do with the Chinese)
The fact that they don't have the same values as the westernised countries isn't "unfortunate", it's just different, nothing more, nothing less. Understanding those differences will help in trying to understand how they think, how they react, how they look at the world, etc (hopefully ... maybe).
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Just to add to this.
Since living here I have made a good friend with the husband of my girls best friend.
He talks openly to me about his girlfriends, past and present, whilst is wife is at the same table.
He sees nothing wrong in this at all. He is the ruler of his household and that is how the women like it.
He is on his second marriage and his view is that because this wife has not produced a son for him as his first wife did he may well move to a third is the next one is also a girl.
Mind you he is wealthy enough to be able to do this.
I tried to explain to my girl that if we married she would have an equal say in what goes on. But she was insistent - she would look after the home and all decisions would be mine.
The culture is different and will always be so for a few many years to come and that is probably why we are attracted to look for a Chinese partner.
Willy
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David,
What can i say, ..... Lucy hasn't got a good word to say about them, she reckons they think they should come 1st, 2nd, 3rd ......10th and if there's any more, that's theirs too.. haha!! They have been brought up from the earliest age, to be superior to girls, even the girls have been brought up to think the same way.
There culture may well go back Thousands of years, but it didn't teach there men a thing. In fact as far as men and women are concerned the progress stopped thousand of years ago too. The general truth is they treat there women as just another possession, if it doesn't suite them at anytime, they trade it in for a newer model.
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Willy,
The really rich Chinese men, have normally married into a very influential family. It would be more than there financial life is worth to divorce that woman. So they will have mistresses, ....some have two or more on the go at any one time, they would be set-up with a flash apartment and even an account with a card!!. This would also be quite acceptable to his wife's family too!!.....
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There are, a whole host of things that go on in China, that very few people outside of China know, or are aware about, Obviously they don't want you to know either. And you probably wouldn't believe, if you were told anyway....
David....