China Romance

General Discussion and Useful Links => The Campfire => Topic started by: Okie_Rob on March 28, 2009, 02:46:04 pm

Title: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on March 28, 2009, 02:46:04 pm
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ?Will you marry me??
The girl said ?NO?

And the guy lived happily ever after?and went fishing, hunting, and drank beer whenever he wanted?

The End
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on March 28, 2009, 09:06:15 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: MLM on March 29, 2009, 01:25:44 am
now thats funny  :lol:
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on March 29, 2009, 04:00:44 pm
not bashing women....but here is another one...hehe!!

One day, long long ago, there lived a women who,
suprisingly did not whine, nag, and bitch........

But this was a long time ago...and just for one day.....
The End :lol:
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Carl on March 29, 2009, 05:09:57 pm
That's a great one, Rob!  ROFLMAO!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Josh Markley on March 29, 2009, 08:05:24 pm
LMFAO!!!!! :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on March 29, 2009, 09:17:05 pm
I knew there was a reason we had this joke section...I forgot about the one at FB that Vince took ownership of.  hahaha
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Paul Todd on March 30, 2009, 04:59:40 pm
'iya guy's as a scouser ay thouht yous might enjoy this. thuz is also an Irish,Scotish and cockney translata tew !

So If You Have  Barney Rubble  with the  Twist n twirl China Plate. Rabbit and Pork about it and  Orange Peel pearly gate..

http://www.whoohoo.co.uk/main.asp

One thought this might be of assistance in helping us understand one an uhthah bettah. whoh said mandaaarin was difficult Jolly good show old bean!Absolutely top hole - I have to say.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Ed W on April 01, 2009, 03:55:18 pm
This isnt a joke but it was pretty funny when it happend.

So I had to go downtown and get my affidavit of single status certified by the secretary of state this morning. While coming back I thought i'd stop at Macy's and see about getting a rolling garment bag for my suit. The sale lady was this cute young thing, maybe early 20's i suppose. She's got a nice personality and we're talking about everything under the sun including the bag and while she was showing me this one, she used an example about buying a larger bag so her and her boyfriend, not that she has one, but if she did it would serve them both. So when she says this, a lady who's maybe 10ft behind her raises her head and looks me dead in the face with this shit eaten grin and I almost broke out laughing. It must have sounded like a pickup line or something but I almost couldnt resist laughing.

anyway. not sure how funny this is to everyone but it was pretty damn funny at the time.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: don on April 07, 2009, 11:21:41 pm
Im still waiting for a profile of a woman that knows how to catch bate, with a photo of her sitting in a new bass boat, with a 12 pack of beer on  the bow  :lol: . Gee, I wonder if they have a visa for the bass boat....
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: don on April 08, 2009, 12:32:25 am
There once was a man riding the bus with a small box in his lap.  The guy next to him ask what he had in the box.  The guy with the box would not say, so the other man started guessing, flowers, wine, clothing... the guy with the box kept saying no.  Finally in frustration, the curious guy ask what it cost.  The guy with the box says, nothing, I traded my american wife for it.  Now the curious guy just has to see what's in the box, so he pester's the guy with the box so much, he finally opens the box, and there inside is a tiny monkey with a chef's hat on his head. The curious guy looks surprized and says, you traded your wife for that..in disbelief, for god's sake why?  The reply was : because the monkey can cook!  :o
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Josh Markley on April 08, 2009, 11:46:45 pm
Quote from: "Vince G"
Has anyone seen this man?
HAHAHAHAHAHA, thats priceless.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on April 17, 2009, 09:20:27 pm
==============
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
 
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
 
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in
just a  few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
 
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening;
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at Estate Planning than men.
============== :lol:
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on April 17, 2009, 10:16:02 pm
You can't always get what you want......The Rolling Stones
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on April 17, 2009, 10:26:35 pm
Theres always another way of looking at things  :lol:
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jadams79 on April 26, 2009, 04:50:06 am
Chnlove.com thread you never want to see posted.

So all the girls are pretty do you think I can find one with a gay brother?  I'm really into chinese guys........

Sorry I have been out trucking since febuary and after all the new threads I have read, I decided to post one that was the most off color that HOPEFULLY will never be posted on chnlove.com but I thought why not post it here LOL!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Neil on April 26, 2009, 01:54:36 pm
Quote from: "Jadams79"
---
Can't fix stupid.

Love your sig.  All the millwrights at work have that on their hard hats.  Us electricians have "I fix stupid" on ours and our apprentice used to be a millwright so his says "Can't fix stupid" and under it says "Yet".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Paul Todd on April 28, 2009, 05:01:43 pm
China Love Hotel,now were gettin' freaky'
The hotel has attracted lots of customers with each of the rooms furnished with a red bed with straps, an adult chair and a gym ball, while the owner is a little worried the hotel might be perceived as a brothel. ;)
[attachment=21]
An employee demonstrates how to use the facilities in a hotel room for adults in Nanning, South China's Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region.
[attachment=22]
featured in China Daily. Didn't know if I should post this here or newbies corner!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jadams79 on April 28, 2009, 05:06:53 pm
Never mind google for the win!... Aint going there, although would be fun, but I'm afraid my girl would get the wrong impression LOL!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on April 30, 2009, 08:37:39 am
The value of a Second Opinion  :lol:
===============================
Looking very grave, the doctor said,
"Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache.The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. But he felt he had no choice but to go under the knife.

And so, he booked in, was laid out, and de-bollocked.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and start a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed
Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Bill walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, frowning, "You can't
wear a size 34....A size 34 would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Norb Smith on April 30, 2009, 11:25:36 am
OK guys heres one for the doubters, I just did it for fun but signed up to Cherryblossoms.com and the other china love connetion that Chong mentioned, put in a goofy profile, and went to work last nite and just got home a bit ago, and have had 30 admirers notes, so if anyone wants to check out some scams this is the place to find them and not where we have had most of the success with our ladies....ROFLMAO...and I havent even opened any of them yet....LOL
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Norb Smith on April 30, 2009, 11:52:57 am
well didnt take me long to go thru the photos what there was of them some didnt even have one and they were really scary the ones that did have profile pics........no thanks, makes me that much more a believer in CL if your looking for a relationship and marriage. but just had to look at it in a scam person type view......so no thanks to those messes..........LOL.... dont know if I should tell my lady Rita about this stunt tho.........LOL
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Norb Smith on April 30, 2009, 12:04:48 pm
Didnt know really where to put this here or in the ladies are in on the scam post so will let  you guys decide, but must tell Chong got one from one in Toronto, holding the head of a horse across a corral fence and in my opinion the horse is better looking .....at least you could ride off into the sunset...........LMAO
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Chong on April 30, 2009, 03:12:11 pm
Norb, Vince ... I always miss out on the scammers & laughter because I always hide my profile. Like yourselves at the beginning, I received tons of admirer letters ... I wanted none of that clogging up my email inbox.   :twisted:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Paul Todd on May 09, 2009, 05:51:36 pm
Ronan.....Stop press.........Chinese speak Irish!

Story of a Chinese lad who decides to learn Irish.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA0a62wmd1A

A quote from a Chinese/Irish guy. 'Half of me wants to drink and the other half wants to argue about the price!':rolleyes:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on May 09, 2009, 10:05:49 pm
That Video reminds my of the time , Qing and I went to a German Restaurant in Shanghai and after they served us the Food , I was amazed , that my Qing could eat with a Fork and Knife as good as me , if not better . I have no Idea where she has learned that . Stupid me , never thought of asking her that yet . I guess , at that time I was speachless , seeing this . The only place she's been to is Japan , but they also eat with Chopsticks . Maybe , working as a Model , they would teach you this ? When the time is right , I will ask her , how?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on May 17, 2009, 01:49:44 pm
I got a cute Joke from my Toolman the other day .

This was Easter time , a Farmer thought of surprising his two small Children in the morning , by putting already colored Egg's into the Chicken coup , to make it look like the Chicken's lay'd colored Egg's for Easter . Well , right at break of Dawn , while everybody is still sleeping inside the House , the Rooster goes into the Chicken coup and to his surprise see's all those colored Egg's . He turn around and goes outside ... look's and find's the Peacook and beat's the Shit out of him .
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Chong on July 02, 2009, 08:47:37 pm
Craigslist: Woman seeks wealthy man

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST

"What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or
other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
She gets a response...
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know. "
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 02, 2009, 11:29:41 pm
Ya gotta love them New Yorkers. No BS right to the point. :icon_biggrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on July 03, 2009, 12:37:19 am
Man , I love this Guy's answer . Now you can see this as a Joke and Laugh your Gut out , or take it seriously and feel sorry for this poor Woman . I think a Dil** will be her best friend for a long time .
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 03, 2009, 06:29:35 am
Just thought i'd add a laugh of my own !!

  NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'


'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think[/code].
Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
 from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His
 wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,


"Where are you going?"

 He replies, ....."I'm going to the doctor."

She says, ....."Why, are you sick?"


 He says, ....."Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
 Viagra stuff."
 
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
 herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put
on her coat.


 
He says, ....."Where the heck are you going"?

She answers, ....."I'm going to the doctor, too."
 He says, ....."Why, what do you need?"

She says, ....."If you're thinking of starting to use that crusty and rusty old thing again, I'm coming too, to get a Tetanus shot."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 03, 2009, 09:01:21 am
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.  

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.  

13. You sing along with elevator Music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health Insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who posted this list.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 03, 2009, 09:58:42 am
That's not funny.  I identify with too many of those.  Who posted #19?

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=99bc45ca71&view=att&th=1223b8a8caa3c2e6&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license..
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. not piddling in your pants.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Irishman on July 03, 2009, 10:50:33 am
Quote from: 'shaun' pid='7192' dateline='1246629522'

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license..
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. not piddling in your pants.


Haha!, thats so true !
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 03, 2009, 11:33:16 am
English language

 
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 03, 2009, 11:45:59 am
Yeah try explaining this to the chinese girlfriend over the phone with limited english.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 03, 2009, 11:54:55 am
Learn Chinese English!!

1) Great........................................................ Fa Kin Su Pah  .................F**king super
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.................. Hu Yu Hai Ding? ...............Who you hiding?
3) See me ASAP............................................Kum Hia Nao ...................Come here now
4) Stupid Man...............................................Dum Fuk ..........................Dumb f**k
5) Small Horse..............................................Tai Ni Po Ni ......................Tiny pony
6) Did you go to the beach?.........................Wai Yu So Tan? ...............Why you so tanned?
7) I bumped into a coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni ......I banged my f**king Knee
8) I think you need a face lift........................Chin Tu Fat .. ..................Chin too fat


Now ... can you complete the rest??......
 
9) It is very dark in here.....................................Wao So Dim ............
10) I thought you were on a diet.......................Wai Yu Mun Ching....
11) This is a tow away zone............................. No Pah King..............
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.... Wai Yu Kum Nao ......
13) Staying out of sight...................................  Lei ing Lo .................
14) He is cleaning his automobile......................Wa Shing Ka.............
15) That is not right...........................................Sum Ting Wong........
16) Your body odour is offensive.......................Yu Stin Ki Pu.............
17) My feet are wet ..........................................Lee Kee Shu.............
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: MLM on July 03, 2009, 12:44:57 pm
David, that is too good, you have Zhou laughing so hard she just ran into the bathroom, at first she just looked at it and then started to laugh and it just kept getting harded and harder
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 03, 2009, 03:10:20 pm
Michael,

I do try to please .... Honest!! ...hahaha!!
Forgot to ask ...... did you manage to complete the rest ?? or did Zhou complete them??   lol!!
The pleasures of geting old!!


An 86-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. ........."He's pissing in the fridge again!"

Ken Lee Without You :-)



This is  funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQt-h753jHI
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: MLM on July 03, 2009, 03:54:05 pm
I got them, but Zhou did first, she says you real pisser ( her word for funny ).:blush:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 03, 2009, 04:29:39 pm
I Saw this and just laughed!!
http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=oaxlsp&s=3

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To my loving wife



A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs,
they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would
follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife
an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory'
following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message,
she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


 
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

 
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!  
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S.  Hell, it Sure is hot down here darling!!)

Stavros Flatley, the greatest Cypriot dancer
 
 
You must watch this, even that miserable *********** Simon Cowell liked it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg)
 
I bet that surprised you didn't it ??  ...hahaha!!
 
Just goes to show, even the Cyp's have talent, especially when coupled with a bit of English humour into the mix!!! ...hahaha!!

...........................................................................................................................

 The Fat Slags 1

A Night out at the Local Pub......

http://www.youtube.com/v/uQkGS0Jgh6M&rel
 
This is very different from the usual stuff, but very funny too .....enjoy!!
 


(NOTE:   FAT SLAGS 2  IS A CONTINUATION OF THIS VIDEO )


...........................................................................................................................


The Fat Slags 2

 
and now off to the Local Chinese resturant for a bite to eat
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXUznG3Lcig

...........................................................................................................................
...........................................................................................................................

Married 50 Years


On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE,
and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; .........'Mission Accomplished.'
 
That's the Military for You.... Us civvies would just say .... "Sorted"!!

...........................................................................................................................
...........................................................................................................................

For Every Married Woman


Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask.
He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask
over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, ....what's for dinner??"

.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your
time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
 
 


Answer:
 If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

   


Answer
 If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or an calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


 
Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:


A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
   
 

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you really!!
   
 
PASS THIS  ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 03, 2009, 05:56:59 pm
WOMAN DRIVERS

This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new
 
Top of the range Ford Focus Doing 110 kms per hour


With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was .....Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily. ...But she scared the shit out of me so much;

I dropped My electric shaver, ...Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel,

It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs,
Splashed, And  scalded Big Jim and the Twins (cock & balls)
Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.
               BLOODY WOMAN DRIVERS
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 03, 2009, 07:46:49 pm
Earth and the Universe

 

 
This clever piece originated in Australia : it is so very well done most folks don't realize just how much information he is imparting.
 
Just click once on the link below or paste it.
The photos are provided by NASA and the voice and music by Eric Idle. "Speakers must be On".
 Enjoy the Ride!!!!!
               
  http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Are you a genius like me ??


Count every "F " in the following text:



FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
 





SO HOW MANY ?

...................... 3?

Count again!

 
 
........................ 3 again???



 
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !


The reasoning behind this is :-

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!


Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
 
Wow!, ...I'm a genius and never knew it ... i got all 6 first time ! ..haha!!


................................................................................................................................................................................................................


Old Woman Driver!!



An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drink driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please.

The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but a spare tyre.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: I Bet ya the liar told you I was speeding, too.


SEE!!, ...... Now Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies !!!


................................................................................................................................................................................................................


  A Short Neurological Test
 
 
1- Find the C below. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

 

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

 

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 04, 2009, 09:12:42 am
Widdle wabbit
 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, l eans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python wealwy gives a thit."
Auzzie Humour..!!
 
One thing about blokes from Austrailia, is that their hearts and humour are always on top form and in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was
asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to one hell of a thunderous applause from the audience.....



HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car
battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will
save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and.....

Make sure his nuts are wet.'.........

 
Good on ya mate!! .....that's worth at least a tinny or two in my books!!
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

For a ...SPECIAL LADY!
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery shop one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it.
" The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
" I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
 
 Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I've just had Son????"
Irish  Math Test


A  Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  The  Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks.


"Have you ain't got no brain?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the  Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The  Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this  Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."


The  Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."


The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The  Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"  :angel:


The  Irishman is now the New supervisor.
The  Husband Store
   
A  store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a  husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how  the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of  the products increase as the shopper ascends the  flights.
The shopper may  choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the  next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find ahusband. On the first  floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.  She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign  reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
 
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely GoodLooking.  'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 
 She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and  Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help  with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic streak.
 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the  sign reads:
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on  this floor. This floor exists solely as  proof that women are impossible  to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 

 PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store  just across the street.  
 
The first floor has wives that love sex.
 
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!!!
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


A Nice Little Earner !!!
 
Apparently, a true story..........


Outside Bristol Zoo, there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.Then one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
 
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Er no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility"...

"Er no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
... "Er NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the car park fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

Assuming 7 days week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million... (tax free)
 
And the best of luck to him too!!.........  Now that's what you call INITUTIVE!!  ...hahahaha!!
Biking one
 
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem: How to carry all of
his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I
live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot.

"The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in he
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time." She looked him over cautiously then said,

"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up
my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am
carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that????"
 
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens."
 
I like the expression "ravish me!!"  
Aye, you can't beat a good old ravishing!!!.... Can You??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 04, 2009, 02:15:23 pm
New salesman
 
A kid gets a job in a small department store.
On his first day, the manager shows him around
,and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product.
The kid looked confused...so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.
"Certainly", pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, ....
"and what sort of lawn mower would you like?"
The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on
"Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow,and you will need a lawn mower to cut it",

"I hadn't thought of that",says the customer,
"I'll take the lawn mower as well then"...and the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says "Now do you understand our policy?"
 to which the boy replies "Yes...it's good"
Just then, a bloke walks into the store.
The manager says to the kid "Go on, you can deal with this guy".
So the kid asks the bloke if he can help.
"Yes" replies the guy hesitantly, "Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife."
"Certainly", pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it,
"and what sort of lawn mower would you like?"

The customer looked baffled and the manager's face dropped,
so the kid went on,.......
"Well, the weekend's f*cked...So you may as well cut the grass"

............................................................................................................................................................
The vital question!!
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour
operation.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,holds his penis in
one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice
but listen very, very closely! Are... my...test...results...back?"


...........................................................................................................................................................


No One Believes Seniors...

Everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, " OK.....We're outta here."

That's exactly what i would do Sally .... Keep it and enoy spending it!! .....hahaha!!
...........................................................................................................................................................


A Very Lucky Hubby........
 
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
 
Your EX-Wife
 
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!  ....
 
 
*********************************************************** ***********************************************************
 
 
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said, with your letter that you wrote me, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
 
Signed Rich As Hell and .......Free!!!!!

 
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carl, my brother was "born Carla". I hope that's not a problem for you dear.!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 04, 2009, 04:34:54 pm
Not sure if these two photos go together? And they wonder why we run to China?
[attachment=244]
[attachment=245]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: MLM on July 04, 2009, 04:47:35 pm
Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='7319' dateline='1246739694'

Not sure if these two photos go together? And they wonder why we run to China?




Well that second photo is enough of birth control for me:s
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 04, 2009, 04:53:22 pm
Vince,

How can any man get aroused by something like that ?? Not that you would want too, but how to find the honey pot? Ask her to fart, to give you a clue, or dowse her in talcum powder to find the damp patch?

I think I'll leave it to others to find out...... I'm outta here!! ...hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 05, 2009, 10:07:20 am
The Centipede
 
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer? But there was no answer from his new Pet.This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, At the top of his voice,'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......



A little voice came out of the box:
'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on!! ....OK'
Lizard Birth!
 
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she enquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its. . . teeny little ' ....She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more!!!!

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards:      140 Euros
One cage:         50 Euros
Trip to the vet:  30 Euros
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkle: ........That's  Priceless!!!


Moral of the story: You should of Paid attention in biology class....
Because, then you would have known that .......All Lizards lay eggs!!  Remember!! ...???
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 06, 2009, 09:22:41 am
WHO'S YOUR DADDY
 
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "Father's Details," or putting it another way....Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms with no spelling corrections. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1.Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon Mc Kinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my =2 0 stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Shii - The Wii for Women
 

 Click the link
''Link''
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


Shii - The Wii for Women
 

 click this link
''Link''
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


The tax man
 
 
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles. '

Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these biscuit purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?'
Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.

' I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

Here, too, we do not waste,
' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins
and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
 
 
Well he did ask for it ...Didn't he!!!!  .....Hahahaha!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE NIGHT OF APRIL 1ST
 
' In The Court Room........

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?
 
Little Old Lady:

I am 71 years old.
 
Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
 
Little Old Lady:

There I was, ......
sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
 
Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?
 
Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.
 
Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?  

 Little Old Lady:
 
 He started to rub my thigh.
 
Defense Attorney:
 
Did you stop him?
 
Little Old Lady:
 
No, I didn't stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
 
Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
 
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
 
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
 
 Defense Attorney:
 Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so  'spicy' that I just laid down and told him........
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
 
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
 
Little Old Lady:
 Hell, no!!
He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............ 'The Little Bastard!!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Take the dog for a walk

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'  

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 06, 2009, 10:23:01 am
Are you Lonely?
 
Well, At Any Given Moment:
       
    79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
   
    58,000,000 are kissing.
   
    37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
   
    And 1 lonely bugger is here reading e-mails.
   
   
   
You hang in there my sunshine.... Your time will surely come around.!!!! hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 06, 2009, 11:54:18 am
The Whale

First look and see the Whale under the water.
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.
Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet

Click on the picture when it loads completely and be sure that your sound is on...!!


CLICK ON: .....Worlds Most Dangerous Creature
Anybody tell me why the links aren't working?? Also how do you get pictures posted on this site ?
i've tried al the normal ways that i generally use on the other forums that i post too....

David......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Quick Jokes
 
 
Hahahahhahahhaa... Some of these are good!!  


1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you keep behaving like this, you will end up loseing ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'   "Stuffed Again ha ha!!"

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad,
'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, and that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'     " wow!! now that's Nasty"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 06, 2009, 04:52:50 pm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 Its dark here

A Woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy
is in there already.

The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks." Boy:
 "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$200."

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in
the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$300." The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots,
let's go outside and have a game." The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for
$750
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
$750 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess your sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that shit again you bloody idiot !"
This Is My Church Not Your Fathers  Bleeding House !!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 07, 2009, 12:55:27 pm
Women cannot live without Man

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

Female has Male in it;

She has He in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend most of their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....

Why?

BECAUSE ......THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!

Okay, Okay, so it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
Have you ever noticed how all of women's problems start with MEN too?

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY necologistK
GY

AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS  terectomy.
HYS ............

This is for all the women you know, to brighten their day a little..... and

For all the men you know, well.......just to annoy them a little...

 
Try to Laugh more, ......There's more than enough to make you miserable

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Received from a friend working in China and Hong Kong!!......

Why am I Always Tired??
 
The population of this country is about 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do ALL the work.

You and me....

And you're sitting at your BLOODY computer again, reading jokes...?????
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 08, 2009, 05:48:20 pm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Qantas Airline Maintenance Log


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
 

These below comments, are all absolutly True!!
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has Never had an accident.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Road Signs To An Affair......
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8 American Doctors Stories.......



1..A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
 
2...At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
 
3...One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
 
4...I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
 
5...During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
 
6...While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
 
7...I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
 
8...A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 09, 2009, 06:58:39 am
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Testing childrens senses


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos (the fruit sweet with a hole). He gave all the
children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to
identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:-

"Red.............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all Honey Polos. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
May sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

 
"Oh My God!!!! ....They're arse-holes!!"
 
YUK!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 09, 2009, 01:26:34 pm
Army retirement bonus

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet. signed the contract and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. on signing the contract he walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and signed the contract. They decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. Dear Lord! 'he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major (now with a wry smile creeping across his face),  replied, ........''Basra'' ......Sir!!!.
 
Now There's a Smart Ex Squaddie for you .....hahaha!!Army retirement bonus

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet. signed the contract and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. on signing the contract he walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and signed the contract. They decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. Dear Lord! 'he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major (now with a wry old smile creeping across his face),  replied, ........''Basra'' ......Sir!!!.
 
Now There's a Smart Ex Squaddie for you  .....Just goes to show, ...you don't have to be a Commissioned Officer  to have Smarts.....hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 09, 2009, 04:57:28 pm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Older Men



An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.........
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Older Men

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.........
Game of intellgence!!


There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
 
Not as dumb as she looked then .....huh!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 09, 2009, 06:16:14 pm
What do you want for Christmas?

A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied.

"You know, .....When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple."

"F**k me!" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?"
 
You were well lucky in them days grandad......
 
Ah, ...the yooof of today!!
The Most Functiomal English Language Word

Apparently (and from a purely academic point of view  ) "fuck" is one of the most  versatile functional words in the English language ...


 
"Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck), or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), or a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). It should be obvious now that there are not many words as versatile as "fuck."

Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

Fraud: I got fucked by my insurance agent.
Dismay: Oh, fuck it!
Problem: I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression: Fuck you.
Passive: Fuck me.
Confusion: What the fuck?
Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking business.
Despair: Fucked again.
Philosophical: Who gives a fuck?
Religious: Holy Fuck.
Incompetence: He's all fucked up.
Laziness: He just fucks about.
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on?
Rebellion: Fuck off!
Surprise: Fucking Incredible!

It can be used in descriptive anatomy - He's a fucking ass-hole.

It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.

It can be used in business - How did I get this fucking job?

It can be a prediction - Oh, will I get fucked.
 
The mind is fairly boggled at the many many creative uses. So how could anyone be offended when you say the word"fuck????"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 04:44:03 am
Women

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

 If you give her sperm, she'll give you baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.......

So, if you give her any crap, Just be ready to receive a whole TON of SHIT!!!!

And never a truer word has been said!!!! ...hahahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 07:55:10 am
The Blind Cowboy.....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by

mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a
very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only
fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball
    bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal
   with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
    professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do
you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his
head, and mutters, "Nope... not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times over."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 08:58:36 am
A MORAL TALE............

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace....
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

The Moral of  this storey is:-

Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck-up and listen to the "whole" story before you interrupt!!!
 
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 09:59:19 am
A SHORT LOVE STORY

 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........  ''Ma'am, I'm really sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here.''

I have a better idea, she replied ''Just for tonight'',...... ''let's pretend that we're married.''

Wow!!............. That's, ..thats,... a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment or two of silence, ...............OK, OK, ..I get the picture!!.... then let out a fart , a very loud, and very smelly fart!!


Ah!!, ....the Joys of Being Married!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 11:49:09 am
No sex since 1955


A crusty old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 
And I almost felt sorry for him as well!! ...hahaha!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 02:01:11 pm
Poor Bob!


Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, .....

 
'Geez Bob, ......you picked up a Real Bitch this time.'




Anyway, .......BOB's funeral will be on Friday. ....hahaha!!
Weekend Humour

There are Four types of women while having sex.-
 
1- asthmatic - ah..aahh..ah...ahh

2- 0bedient - yes,oh yes..ah yes,  
 
3- greedy - more...more ..pls more.....

4- religious - oh god..oh..oh my god ..oh my God!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 10, 2009, 02:41:02 pm
To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been devised to assist men in their computer operations.
Ergonomically-correct mouse pads such as these will enable men to avoid the pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

No, I don't have the ordering information........ yet.
[attachment=291]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 02:51:54 pm
Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='7942' dateline='1247251262'

To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been devised to assist men in their computer operations.
Ergonomically-correct mouse pads such as these will enable men to avoid the pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

No, I don't have the ordering information........ yet.



Just let me know imeadiatly, when you do get the ordering imformation ....I want one......

David......
Postman Pat's last day.......

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat goldwatch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

 At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
 
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what to give you'.
He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.'..........
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea!!!
 
Hmmmm!!!!!, ....Makes you wonder just what else he got on that last day as the local postman???
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 04:06:09 pm
JAPANESE HOTEL SERVICE

 A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in
 Tokyo Japan .
 Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
 meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a
barber on the premises.

 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down
 the hall from your room is a vending machine that should
 serve your purposes.'

 Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
 inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which
 time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
 salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which
 reflected the best haircut of his life.

 Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
 'Manicures, $20.00'.

 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
 hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
 Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were
 perfectly manicured.

 The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
 Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

 The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
 unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood
 into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
 out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds
 later it shut off.

 With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his
 tender unit........ which now had a nice new button sewn neatly on the
 end of his bell end!!!
 
 
Ouch!.... that "MUST" have hurt!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on July 10, 2009, 05:32:35 pm
Quote
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in
Tokyo Japan .

Must have been a Newfie.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 10, 2009, 07:12:53 pm
Gee, Vince, I just had the carpel tunnel surgery today.  If only you had reported this a little sooner.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 10, 2009, 07:48:22 pm
Quote from: 'mpo4747' pid='7965' dateline='1247267715'

Quote from: 'shaun' pid='7964' dateline='1247267573'

Gee, Vince, I just had the carpel tunnel surgery today.  If only you had reported this a little sooner.


Shaun, your still going to need it, after you recover  :)


Yes, but the real question to me since we don't see the whole situation is does a man get slapped as usual for touching?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 10, 2009, 08:17:30 pm
Inner Peace

 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs


 
 
Then you are in all probability..... The Family DOG!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 11, 2009, 12:41:18 am
Wolf wolf. Besides the caffeine the rest of it is my daily life.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 11, 2009, 04:31:49 am
How to have a good life - the Cypriot vs. the American way


An American visited Agia Napa during his holidays and went to the marina where a small fishing boat arrived. The American looked at the catch of the day and told the fisherman: "Why don't you stay out a little longer and catch yourself some more fish?"

-"This is enough for me and my family." said the fisherman.

-"What do you do for the rest of the day then?", asked the American.

The fisherman replied: "I go home and play with my children. In the afternoons during the siesta time my wife and I sleep a couple of hours. In the evenings I go to the kafenes, drink some coffee or brandy while talking politics with my friends and perhaps play a game of backgammon. I have a good life."

The American said: "I have an MBA, I can help you. If you stay out the entire day fishing you will get a bigger catch. The winnings from this catch can be invested in a new much bigger fishing boat. In the long run you can afford another boat, and another, and another. Soon enough you'll have a whole fleet of fishing boats. And then, instead of selling your fish to middle men you invest in your own cannery. Soon enough you'll be able to move to Athens, or even New York. And from there you'll lead your business empire."

-"How long would this take me to achieve?" the fisherman asked.

-"Well, perhaps 20-25 years." said the American.

-"And then what?" asked the fisherman.

-"Then you can afford to retire here in Agia Napa." the American said. "You can go fishing in the mornings. Then you can go home and play with your grandchildren. In the afternoons you enjoy the siesta time with your wife, and in the evenings you can visit the kafenes, drink some coffee or brandy, talk politics with your old friends and play some backgammon. Then you'll have a good life!"
 
Hmmmmm' .....Very Tempting!! ...hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 11, 2009, 07:15:52 am
A week in Hell


One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm here in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. ...On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow", the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realised Hell was such a really cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Oh dear, Oh dear"!! ....."You're gonna really "HATE Fridays" here then!!!!"
 
Wow!! ... It must be true then, what all these Fundamental Christians have been saying all this time about being Gay..... it is a SIN!! after all  ...hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: mickw on July 11, 2009, 07:59:51 am
Hi Guys

Just got this SMS text on my phone,regarding British dating sites dont know how these compare with our american brothers dating sites ......

LONELY HEARTS DATING ADS .....WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

ADVENTUROUS......SLUT
ATHLETIC......NO TITS
30 SOMETHING......41
FUN ......ANNOYING
WILD.......GETS PISSED EASILY
BEAUTIFUL EYES......LIKE PISSHOLES IN THE SNOW
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR......EX HUSBANDS A NUTTER
NEW AGE.....HAIRY WITH SMELLY PUSSY
HEADSTRONG.......ARGUMENTATIVE
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBBING.......ALCOHOLIC
CURVY......FAT FUCKER
CUDDLY.......EVEN FATTER FUCKER
LIKES EATING OUT.....GREEDY FAT FUCKER
LIKES NIGHTS IN BY THE FIRE......LAZY FAT FUCKER
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 11, 2009, 08:43:08 am
Quote from: 'mickw' pid='8026' dateline='1247313591'

Hi Guys

Just got this SMS text on my phone,regarding British dating sites dont know how these compare with our american brothers dating sites ......

LONELY HEARTS DATING ADS .....WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

ADVENTUROUS......SLUT
ATHLETIC......NO TITS
30 SOMETHING......41
FUN ......ANNOYING
WILD.......GETS PISSED EASILY
BEAUTIFUL EYES......LIKE PISSHOLES IN THE SNOW
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR......EX HUSBANDS A NUTTER
NEW AGE.....HAIRY WITH SMELLY PUSSY
HEADSTRONG.......ARGUMENTATIVE
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBBING.......ALCOHOLIC
CURVY......FAT FUCKER
CUDDLY.......EVEN FATTER FUCKER
LIKES EATING OUT.....GREEDY FAT FUCKER
LIKES NIGHTS IN BY THE FIRE......LAZY FAT FUCKER


Oh, the joy's of being single again, ....and out on the prowl!!!!   haha!!

Great to see more posting to the ''Just for a laugh'' thread
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: victor-hills on July 11, 2009, 09:42:39 am
Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 11, 2009, 10:03:55 am
Quote from: 'victor-hills' pid='8042' dateline='1247319759'

Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."



Thinking about it ..... He might just have a point there!!   hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 11, 2009, 02:53:44 pm
 A Visit to the Doctor
 

A beautiful woman went to see her gynaecologist.

The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.

He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.While Doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied,"You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes of course I do," she said,

"You're getting infected with herpes:

Which is why I came here in the first place."

 
Well he got more than he reckoned on then, .....didn't he!! ...hahaha!!


                Stay Safe, Always Wear Condom!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 13, 2009, 10:10:44 am
An Irish boy's confession!
 
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin the girls reputationin the village.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What did you get?'

'' I got 4 Months holiday and five dam good leads''.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 13, 2009, 04:17:23 pm
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind

their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still

walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the

oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are

happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,

'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once

tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 13, 2009, 06:58:13 pm
A foreign exchange

I had a bunch American dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my bank. There was only one lady at the window, (an Asian lady) who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars.
She was a little irritated, she asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
....Today I only get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady replies, " well Fluc you white peeple too!"
 
wery woo'd some of these asians pleeple. ...hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 14, 2009, 06:49:23 am
Dave the chicken

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never!' replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife screaming and shouting at him.......


'Dave, Dave, ...wake up you paralytic drunken bastard, you've shit the bed.

 

Wow !!,... now that's what you call a "wake-up call"
A LOYAL WIFE


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. (that means ...he was as Tight as a ducks arse in cramp....water tight!!)  or ( short arms deep pockets.... his hands would/could never reach his money)

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. .....
If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
 
Remind me to specify "CASH" when my time comes around !!  .....hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 14, 2009, 09:14:31 am
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.


George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.


'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.


Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'


George said, ........ and  "I Thought YOU Said There Was Nobody Available!!!!"

I LOVE IT - .....Just Don't you mess with them old people..... you hear !!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 14, 2009, 02:02:19 pm
A few pictures to brighten your day



(http://www.postimage.org/aV283K39.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV283K39)
A Teacher's nightmare



You MUST read this brief story before viewing the attached photo.

A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy plant, and the children were then allowed to take them home. The embaressed teacher later said, .... cactus "seemed like a good idea at the time"...


(http://www.postimage.org/gx1C2l7S.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx1C2l7S)

Click on picture to see full size
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 14, 2009, 04:25:29 pm
Grandma's Don't Know Everything!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
 
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
 
Oh, ....And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
 
Ooooops !!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 14, 2009, 07:12:31 pm
Chinese Laundry


A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: .....'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! ...YOU TO PLEASE USE MORE PAPER ON ASSI...!!'
 
A fair comment.... haha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 15, 2009, 08:08:09 am
How to Piss Off Your Neighbour!!!



(http://www.postimage.org/aV18NqJr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


He must have done something nasty to him in the past ... haha!!
Try this - It's Quite Amazing!!

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/


So ..... How observant were you ??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 15, 2009, 02:57:08 pm
Silent Fart


An elderly couple are attending a Sunday Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'Oh dear, ...I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He looks at her sturnly and  replies, ....... '' I'd Put Some New Batteries in your Hearing Aids.''
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 15, 2009, 03:58:32 pm
Brickies!


This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank ashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men
building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the
house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and
said.......................

'I think so, ......Provided those wankers down at JEWSONS* deliver the fucking
bricks this week.'
 
(Note: *Jewsons is a well known builders merchants in the UK)
 
Ah, ....Out of the mouth of babes! ....hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 15, 2009, 06:30:48 pm
 Made in China


(http://www.postimage.org/aVIXtmJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 15, 2009, 07:36:43 pm
GRANDMA'S ORANGES

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly; Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not wanting to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still
going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

............The policeman fainted!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 16, 2009, 07:39:39 am
Two Old Men


TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,   'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS
AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.   THESE TWO ARE SO OLD
AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD
AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD !'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, ' WHY DO YOU SAY THAT ? '

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND
ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS,  ' COULD BE WORSE,  I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH. '
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT ?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND ALL,
AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,  THEN SUDDENLY,  
SHE FARTED, AND WHOOOSH FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...

.......SHE TOOK ME TEETH WITH HER TOO!!!

Priest & The Hairdryer?

Getting a hairdryer through customs...
 
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
 
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic
 hair dryer for my
 Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the
Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way
you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
will not lie.'

 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question
 you.'.When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
 
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. .......NEXT!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 16, 2009, 09:59:31 am
Did you know

Male or Female??  You  might not have known this, but a lot of non-living  objects are actually either male or female. Here  are some examples.....


FREEZER  BAGS:
They are male, because they hold  everything in, but you can see right through  them.        
 
PHOTOCOPIERS:  
These are female, because once turned off;  it takes a while to warm them up again. They  are an effective reproductive device if the  right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak  havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.          
 
TIRES:  
Tires are male, because they go bald easily  and are often over inflated

HOT  AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get  them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire  under their butt.

SPONGES:  These are female, because they are soft,  squeezable and retain water.

WEB  PAGES:
Female,  because they're constantly being looked at  and frequently getting hit  on.

TRAINS:  
Definitely male, because they always use the  same old lines for picking up  people.

EGG  TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over  time, all the weight shifts to the  bottom.  

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years,  they've hardly changed at all, and are  occasionally handy to have around.  

THE  REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought  it would  be  male, but consider this: It easily gives a man  pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he  doesn't always know which buttons to push, he  just keeps trying !

HOW VERY TRUE !!!!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 16, 2009, 10:35:47 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='8686' dateline='1247752771'

Did you know


Seems to be written by a Female.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 16, 2009, 11:29:21 am
Beware of the Broccoli Casserole


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for
Christmas dinner.
 
This is to be her first time meeting with the family and she is
very nervous.
 
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
 
The woman started to feel a little dis comfort , thanks to her

nervousness and the broccoli casserole, it was a gas pain.

But the gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
 
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
 
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!!'.
 
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
 
A couple of minutes later, she began to feel the pain again.
 
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
 
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!! get out of there.....' But Skippy just kept snoozing
 
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.  This time she didn't even think about it.
 
She let a fat rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with absolute disgust and
yelled, 'Skippy,  get away from her Noooooow, before she ends up shiting on you!'
 
 That's One silly Dog if you ask me .....hahaha!!
NEW PHRASES FOR 2009


* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop-up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be
cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to
stay home with the kids or start a "home business"
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device
to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -
needless paperwork and processes.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 16, 2009, 02:07:49 pm
An Obituary printed in the London Times

 
CLEVER, BUT OH!! ...SO VERY TRUE!!

An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting and sadly rather true

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,   since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 7 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
I'm alright Jack
I'm a job's-worth
I didn't make these silly rules......

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

 

I think the sane and best thing anyone can do is to pass this on..... if not you join the majority and do nothing.  Let Common Sense back into our life's!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 16, 2009, 05:50:48 pm
The Middle Wife'

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 16, 2009, 08:21:09 pm
(http://uk.mg40.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1062572%5fAE0KDNkAAX%2fzRxuDdwWp5wk9Lmc&pid=2.2&fid=Sent&inline=1&stationery=1)
Do it all yourself
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You  take her to  bed and tell her a story.  

At 18 -- You  tell her a  story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You  don't need  to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She  tells you a  story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She  tells you a  story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You  stay in bed  to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If  you take her  to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What  story???  What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 17, 2009, 04:44:15 am
Stop Yelling in the House


click on the picture to enlarge
(http://www.postimage.org/aV1QBAtr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1QBAtr)


Ooooops!!............
Happy at work????


http://youtube.com/watch?v=IzBy6agXKoA

Maybe not!!!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 17, 2009, 07:10:17 am
The Scottish Bar Stool

Scottish Bar Stool for the Kilt Wearer


(http://www.postimage.org/aVYEYH0.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


I think i'd need mine made to measure.... haha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on July 17, 2009, 07:45:34 am
Heheheheheh :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:LMAO
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='8735' dateline='1247781048'

The Middle Wife'

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.


This has got to be one of the funniest stories I have EVER heard.  LMAO
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 17, 2009, 10:22:00 am
Office Romance

 
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

 Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, ......."The bastard used coins!"

 Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting, ......   Screwed!      


 

 Dam, .......Smart Arsed Again !!
Too old to squat!

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the
mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned
all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do
something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself
in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of
the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the
beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the
thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There
really is no justice in the world.'
The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?'
 
The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that.
When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I
enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
 
Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild,
and I'm now far too old to squat.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on July 17, 2009, 12:06:45 pm
Not sure if this is just a sick coincidence but...

in 2007, it was the Chinese year of the Chicken, what happened, Bird Flu Pandemic devastated parts of Asia.

In 2008, it was the Chinese year of the Horse, what happened, Eqine Ifluenza decimated Australian Racing.

In 2009 it was the Chinese year of the Pig, what's happening, Swine Flu kills hundreds of Pigs and people around the globe.

Has anyone else noticed this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse....

In 2010 it is the Chinese year of the Cock....What could possibly go wrong??????
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 17, 2009, 12:39:34 pm
Rob,

Thanks for the warning, I'll be keeping a very close watch over my valuables during 2010, ......and no doubt, so will Lucy!!  hahahaha!!

David.....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on July 17, 2009, 12:41:31 pm
Do you mean watch, as in one you wear on your arm............ROFLMAO
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 17, 2009, 01:09:17 pm
Pickup Line


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said,

'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been screwing everybody since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'
 
 
Yep, ..... that's what I've always told my Kids, "the only profession you'll ever make money and always be in a job is to get in to the parasitic line of work" , and the top of the list is to become a lawyer/solicitor. There will always be money to be made on the backs of somebody else's misfortunes.........
Never Too Late To Try


An elderly Irish couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively.

'I would like it in-frequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment or two, adjusted his glasses and
leaned over towards her and whispered ....'Is that one word or two?'  
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 17, 2009, 05:41:42 pm
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

 
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea..'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?


God!! ......the kids of today, what ya gonna do with them!!!!
The 3 Bears Story........

 

Here is a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.... Women will probably love this version!.......


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table."
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water."

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, Now listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMMED PORRIDGE YET ....OK!!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 17, 2009, 07:25:47 pm
Turner Brown...


A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said ......"Turn around"
The Lawyer ........


  A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and
 dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
 
 As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
 tractor and asked him what he was doing.
 
 The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
 I'm just going to retrieve it."
 
 The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
 here."
 
 The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
 United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
 everything you own."

 The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
 disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick  Rule.'"

 The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'? "
 
 The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
 go  first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
 back and forth until someone gives up."
 
 The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
 he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
 The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
 attorney.
 
 His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
 lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the
 midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all
 fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first  into a fresh cow pie.
 
 The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
 Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
 Now it's my turn."
 
  The old farmer smiled and said, ......"Nah Son, ...I give up. You can have the duck, ...Byeeeeeee now fella!!

 
That'll teach him, ..... That he's not as Smart as he thinks he may be. ...!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Skip on July 17, 2009, 09:08:58 pm
Someone once said that a “Pun was the lowest form of American humor.”  I make no attempt to defend that statement here.  In light of the fact that Walter Cronkite, former journalist extraordinaire and retired CBS television anchor died today at the age of 92, I recall a Pun.

It seems there was a mythical kingdom of Tatorland.  Geographically, it was located between Ireland and Scotland.  The Princess of Tatorland was a terribly dowdy woman.  Her parents, the King and Queen of Tatorland were very distressed about the prospect of the Princess getting married.  The Princess having reached the age of 30, had no suitors.  

So the King and Queen sent the Princess on a mission throughout the Kingdom of Tatorland  to find a willing suitor.

After some months had passed, the Princess’s expedition returned to the Palace.  The Princess rushed in exclaiming the good news:  “Mother, Father I have found a man to marry me;  I love him and he loves me.”  Quite excited the Queen questions her daughter,  “What is his name oh dear Princess?”  

The Princess replied, “His name is Walter Cronkite!”  The Queen mother reels in a state of shock, “Oh no, not Walter Cronkite!”  Totally stunned, the Princess asks, “What’s wrong with Walter Cronkite?”  The Queen of Tatorland responds mockingly,  “My dear, Walter Cronkite is just a commentator!”  Drum and symbols please….  ?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Neil on July 18, 2009, 12:02:04 am
Quote from: 'Skip' pid='8856' dateline='1247879338'

Someone once said that a “Pun was the lowest form of American humor.”  I make no attempt to defend that statement here.  In light of the fact that Walter Cronkite, former journalist extraordinaire and retired CBS television anchor died today at the age of 92, I recall a Pun.

It seems there was a mythical kingdom of Tatorland.  Geographically, it was located between Ireland and Scotland.  The Princess of Tatorland was a terribly dowdy woman.  Her parents, the King and Queen of Tatorland were very distressed about the prospect of the Princess getting married.  The Princess having reached the age of 30, had no suitors.  

So the King and Queen sent the Princess on a mission throughout the Kingdom of Tatorland  to find a willing suitor.

After some months had passed, the Princess’s expedition returned to the Palace.  The Princess rushed in exclaiming the good news:  “Mother, Father I have found a man to marry me;  I love him and he loves me.”  Quite excited the Queen questions her daughter,  “What is his name oh dear Princess?”  

The Princess replied, “His name is Walter Cronkite!”  The Queen mother reels in a state of shock, “Oh no, not Walter Cronkite!”  Totally stunned, the Princess asks, “What’s wrong with Walter Cronkite?”  The Queen of Tatorland responds mockingly,  “My dear, Walter Cronkite is just a commentator!”  Drum and symbols please….  ?


http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090718/us/usreport_us_cronkite
Legendary TV news anchor Walter Cronkite dies
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 06:48:55 am
It's The Way You Tell Them!!


It's not what you say, ..... it's the way that you say it............

 
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......all these are genuine clips from UK council house complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
 
Some of these people really do have problems, don't they!! ........ hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 18, 2009, 07:00:45 am
Quote from: 'Neil' pid='8880' dateline='1247889724'

Quote from: 'Skip' pid='8856' dateline='1247879338'

Someone once said that a “Pun was the lowest form of American humor.”  I make no attempt to defend that statement here.  In light of the fact that Walter Cronkite, former journalist extraordinaire and retired CBS television anchor died today at the age of 92, I recall a Pun.

It seems there was a mythical kingdom of Tatorland.  Geographically, it was located between Ireland and Scotland.  The Princess of Tatorland was a terribly dowdy woman.  Her parents, the King and Queen of Tatorland were very distressed about the prospect of the Princess getting married.  The Princess having reached the age of 30, had no suitors.  

So the King and Queen sent the Princess on a mission throughout the Kingdom of Tatorland  to find a willing suitor.

After some months had passed, the Princess’s expedition returned to the Palace.  The Princess rushed in exclaiming the good news:  “Mother, Father I have found a man to marry me;  I love him and he loves me.”  Quite excited the Queen questions her daughter,  “What is his name oh dear Princess?”  

The Princess replied, “His name is Walter Cronkite!”  The Queen mother reels in a state of shock, “Oh no, not Walter Cronkite!”  Totally stunned, the Princess asks, “What’s wrong with Walter Cronkite?”  The Queen of Tatorland responds mockingly,  “My dear, Walter Cronkite is just a commentator!”  Drum and symbols please….  ?


http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090718/us/usreport_us_cronkite
Legendary TV news anchor Walter Cronkite dies


So, how many of you care to admit that you knew who Walter Cronkite was?  Even better how many of you watched on live TV during the Apollo Moon missions?  TV's were black and white and the reports were ghastly. Now we watch car chases in color with some of the same stupid comments.  Sorry Walter, we love you but dang!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 07:08:27 am
How much time do I have?

An old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

(Wait for it!!)



God replied: ......'I just didn't bloody recognise you.'!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 10:07:16 am
Best Yoga Techniques


Comparing Indian yoga techniques with well known Scottish ones !!


(http://www.postimage.org/aV2ZUDc9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV2ZUDc9)


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq2Q_yY0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2Q_yY0)

Click on pictures to enlarge
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 01:53:03 pm
Business opportunity!!

 I am thinking of resurrecting this old form of slimming.
 

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1kbtKi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1kbtKi)


Anybody out there interested???

It is Guaranteed to assist you keeping SLIM!!
Do Not Disturb !!!


(http://www.postimage.org/aVjKn7J.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


The Sign say's it All !!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 04:50:01 pm
A young journalist gets a job...


A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story.

Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.
"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?".

 "Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. ...."One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, and we eventually found her. ....After we all screwed her, we took her home."

 The young journo blanched. "I can't print that!". "Has anything else happened?"
The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all us screwed it before we took it back home."

 "Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!". "OK - has anything happened around here that made you particularly sad?"

 The old man looked down at the ground . "Well," he said sheepishly, and twiddling his foot on the ground.

"I got lost, once!!"
 
Hahaha!! ....What goes around comes around !!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on July 18, 2009, 05:12:44 pm
This oldish man goes to this farm looking for a job, the farmer asks him, 'have you ever done anything like this before?'  The old man replies 'yes I was a farm hand many years ago, 'can you drive a tractor' the farmer asks, the old man says, 'yes I can', ok the farmer says, take the tractor up to the top field and dig it up, you should be finished by 12, so the man jumps in the tractor and away he goes.

About 3pm the farmer asks his wife, have you seen that old man I started this morning? no she answers, so he jumps into his car  and drives up to the top field just as the old man starts to sit down.  He get out of the car and walks to the gates, looks at the field and sees 2 areas of the field untouched.

He shouts the old man over and asks him why this was?  The old man says, I never dug them up because they are sentimental too me. 'Sentimental' 'Bloody sentimental' The farmer says, Yes replied the old man, see that bit of grass there, pointing to one of the uncut areas, yes the farmer said, well, said the old man, that's where I got my first ride,, so the farmer asks what about the other bit, Well said the old man, that's where her mother was standing.  What said the farmer, 'Her mother... what did she say?

'Baaaaa.....' the old man replied
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 05:32:04 pm
Work it out!



This Will Mess With Your Head.

3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30, SO EACH MAN PAID £10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALISED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF £27, ADD THE £2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.

SO WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND??
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Answer.......
 
Forget the 30 pounds,....... calculate on the 25 pounds. Each of the men got a pound back (3 pounds) equalling 28 pounds, plus the 2 pounds the thieving toe-rag of a bell boy kept as a tip = the 30 pounds
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: MLM on July 18, 2009, 05:45:17 pm
Rob you are a very sick man, I feel so bbaaaddd for you
 Hahaha
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 05:58:31 pm
All The Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though all the others do all the work...
It's  the 'AssHole' that's usually in charge!

So Lads, .....Anyone for Drinks down at my local this coming Friday??

(http://www.postimage.org/aV16JOeA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV16JOeA)
The Wife.....



Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Executive.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 18, 2009, 08:28:24 pm
Attention all you oldies

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.


I am in no way insinuating that you are old, it's just that some of us are more youthfully challenged than others!!!.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Skip on July 18, 2009, 10:53:27 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='8960' dateline='1247954311'

All The Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though all the others do all the work...
It's  the 'AssHole' that's usually in charge!


So Lads, .....Anyone for Drinks down at my local this coming Friday??

(http://www.postimage.org/aV16JOeA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV16JOeA)

The Wife.....



Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Executive.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''



Nah Man, the bar has an interesting look, but the boots are a total turnoff!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 19, 2009, 07:00:23 am
6 reasons not to mess with children.

(1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell ?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters ?'
Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet ?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

Some of These Kids Are Going to Grow- Up Real Smart Arses!!!!! ...hahaha!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



On the first day God created the cow ...

God said, "You must go to the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer ... for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years ... let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog ...
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past ... I'll give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking ... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey ...

God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh ... I'll give you a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so ... dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too." And God agreed again.

Now on the fourth day, God created man ...

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy ... do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy ... I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What ... only twenty years? no way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty ... the forty cow gave back ... the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back ... that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "you've got a deal!"

So this is why for ...

The first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing much ... the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren ... the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody ...
Life has now been explained.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 19, 2009, 08:44:36 am
History Of Maths


Teaching maths in 1970

1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus’ are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths 2017

? ?????? ???? ????? ????? ?? ????? ?? ??? ?????. ???? ????? ?????=D 8? ??

?????. ?? ?? ????? ???


The thing is ..... it's right, and it's certainly not funny!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 19, 2009, 12:38:20 pm
IDIOT AWARDS FOR 2008

And the glorious Winners for 2008 are:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus
stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police
that he was simply trying to see how close he could get
his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the concrete cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of high impact Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on video tape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, as he positively identified the lady, 'Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated
walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,





Dog Food

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tescos supermarket ....

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

bloody Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??


And now the crucial question, ..... Was she a Blond ??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 19, 2009, 06:35:57 pm
IKEA KIT CAR


IKEA'S Latest offering to the DIY'er

-click on picture to enlarge-


(http://www.postimage.org/aVyjkgA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVyjkgA)


Oh, ....and you also get one of these too, ....happy DIY Guys




(http://www.postimage.org/aVykNyS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Local Irish weather station Equipment

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1qszPi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Skip on July 19, 2009, 11:34:49 pm
Butt Measurements
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him
off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. ..............
She answers: 'Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 20, 2009, 07:42:09 am
Islamic Exsteamists In The News


A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog .

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"

The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" – says the man.

"Oh, what are you then? "

The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 20, 2009, 10:36:12 am
The morning after......

A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."......"Why would i ask her to cook my sock?????"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on July 20, 2009, 12:51:59 pm
Quote from: 'Michael L. Maines' pid='8958' dateline='1247953517'

Rob you are a very sick man, I feel so bbaaaddd for you
 Hahaha


Michael ewe don't say :blush:

Since this is a joke section I guess I am required to add one myself.

I can always tell when my wife is wearing pantyhose because everytime she farts, her ankles bulge.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 20, 2009, 12:59:16 pm
Be Jesus.....


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 20, 2009, 06:18:57 pm
Avoidable Exposure

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 21, 2009, 06:12:27 am
The Rude American
 

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: MLM on July 21, 2009, 06:32:26 am
thanks David, I needed that laugh right now.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 21, 2009, 10:24:50 am
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."

-------------------------

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

----------------------

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king
b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

----------------------------

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"

-------------------

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

------------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a
£20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Job application


This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 21, 2009, 01:47:57 pm
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .


__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs. _____________________________________________

Q:  you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


England solves the illegal immigrant problem


(http://www.postimage.org/aV17b6Ii.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 21, 2009, 02:52:04 pm
Paddy.....

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O'Connor?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

"What about your other hand Paddy?"

"Sure now, wasn't I scratching the back of me head wondering what to do next !"
State Of The Art Watch!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles seductively and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 21, 2009, 05:24:50 pm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Life And A Can Of Beer


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar were full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar were full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar were full. The students responded with an unanimous yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else were lost, and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 21, 2009, 06:52:16 pm
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber, who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, So where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 21, 2009, 09:14:11 pm
Technical support problems.....



Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Ms Desperate


*****************************************************


Dear Ms Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:


C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

*****************************************************

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, whichI had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Your advice please?

Phill.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 21, 2009, 10:10:14 pm
Phil, If you are unhappy with Wife 1.0 our reccomendation is to stay the course until the program leads you to Divorce 6.7.  Though the process can be painful to learn we would like to offer you a new program that you may find real exciting.  We do have a few who have tried the beta version and are more that satisfied and happy with the new software.  We call it Chinese Wife 1.0.  Let us know and we will send it to you asap.

Software Happiness
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 22, 2009, 07:35:31 am
New Alphabet


A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 22, 2009, 12:25:50 pm
A Typical Cypriot Man's View On Marriage

Some women just do not appreciate a good man

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Yiorgos. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Yianoulla.
When I took a break from work last year, it became necessary for Yianoulla.
to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am,
she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question;
I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves.
 I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her
to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour.
But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then won't hurt her.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn
and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house.
It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day',
but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea
and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Yianoulla..
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Yiorgos died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

Yianoulla. was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, ....heavily!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JimB on July 22, 2009, 02:04:52 pm
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
>"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
>
>    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.
>
>    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
>    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
>about buying a computer.
>
>    ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
>    ABBOTT: Your computer?
>
>    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>    ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
>    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>
>    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
>    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
>    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
>
>    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>
>    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>
>    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>
>    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
>proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
>
>    ABBOTT: Office.
>
>    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
>    ABBOTT: I just did.
>
>    COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
>    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>
>    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
>    ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>    COSTELLO: For my office?
>
>    ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
>    ABBOTT: Office.
>
>    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>
>    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
>    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
>sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
>
>    ABBOTT: Word.
>
>    COSTELLO: What word?
>
>    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>
>    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
>    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
>    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
>
>    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
>straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
>track my money with?
>
>    ABBOTT: Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
>    ABBOTT: Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
>    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
>    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
>
>    ABBOTT: Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
>    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
>    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
>    ABBOTT: One copy.
>
>    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
>    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
>    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
>
>    (A few days later)
>
>    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
>    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
>
>    ABBOTT: Click on "START
>
>
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 22, 2009, 04:34:23 pm
Mums Birthday present.....


Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess.

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

______________________________

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over , he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 22, 2009, 07:11:54 pm
Beer Scam...... you have been warned!!!


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please give this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 22, 2009, 08:28:44 pm
match-making service rejection


click pic to enlarge.....
(http://www.postimage.org/Pq2dLz69.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2dLz69)

Oh, .... i get it now, he should of written Penis.....Right??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 23, 2009, 07:45:43 am
Paddy goes to war!

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring War on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back...' sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the War is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

'We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 Bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners'.........
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 23, 2009, 12:41:14 pm
Viagra Switch

Yep, it works both ways.....


click on pic to enlarge
(http://www.postimage.org/Pq2iuiqi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2iuiqi)


 This was seen in a doctor's surgery in Tampa FL.....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 23, 2009, 04:12:26 pm
Why men die first

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race. .you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you’re a po*fter.
If you work too hard...there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough...you’re a good-for-nothing lazy pr*ck.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get
off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it’s s*xual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it’s male indifference.
If you cry............you’re a wimp.
If you don’t....................you’re an insensitive b*stard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy....... that’s domination.
If SHE asks you.........it’s a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you’re a pervert.
If you don’t..............you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.........youre s*xist.
If you don’t.................you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you’re vain.
If you don’t................you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you’re after something.
If you don’t....................you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements........you’re full of sh*t.
If you’re not ....................you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she’s tired.
If you have a headache.............you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you’re overs*xed.
If you don’t................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Skip on July 23, 2009, 04:28:02 pm
Two guys are carpooling to work.

One guy asks the other, "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

The other guy says, "I dunno, I never looked".

:fi_lone_ranger:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 23, 2009, 05:18:56 pm
Dumb truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Virgin couple's first time

virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.  

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.  

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."  

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 24, 2009, 06:10:51 am
 Blond cook book

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some [/b]
extra bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming
the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Camels....

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby Camel asks,
 "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the desert,
your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks,
 "Mom, Why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks, Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks,
"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy,
replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without water for long periods."

"That's great, Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking,
and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water,
but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"So Why are we living in a zoo without a dessert then?"

Looks like mum has the Real ''hump'' with junior now
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 24, 2009, 09:48:50 am
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n ..
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male.... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 24, 2009, 01:09:41 pm
No money for underware


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her
ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some
underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket andsays,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,
is
naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae
affarrd any."

Murdo reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'O decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a
bit."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 24, 2009, 07:18:40 pm
Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing,

and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.



'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,'

the daughter-in- law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in- law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'



The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband
to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?'

HE NEVER HEARD THE GUN SHOT
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 25, 2009, 08:27:29 am
CAT STORIES

A little personal story about a cat ~ happened a good few years ago .

I was sitting on the couch with my cat lying across the top back of the couch behind me ~ it was a lazy day off work and I intended to relax.

The phone rang and I jumped up to answer it ~ the cat unknown to me was precariously perched between me and the couch ~ as I moved it stuck it's claws in my back through my thin tea shirt as it lost balance and tried to hang on ~ the claw marks were around 6 to 7 inches down my back .

Now you would think that cat claw marks would be easy to explain as they look like cat claw marks ~ looking in the bathroom mirror whilst applying cream I soon realised that not all the claws had made contact and what I could see looked like what I can only describe as the product of a passionate session.

I wrongly made a snap decision that I would just say nothing and hope they went away pretty quickly as it was going to be to much trouble to explain especially as the mrs was just a touch on the jealous side and often commented that she suspicious of what I got up to on my days off.

Well you can guess what happened ~ a couple of days after I forgot and whipped my shirt off ~ the scratches actually looked much worse and I was given the third degree for days as there was no way she believed my excuse.

The cat sat there smiling whilst I was protesting my innocence ~ I'm sure it was having a good laugh at my expense.

I still think she didn't believe me and reckon it's still stored in her grey matter ready to use against me if anything similar happens again.

Well it's certainly taught me a lesson ~ make sure the cat is aware of your move before you make it and if you do get scratched during a steamy session away from home ~~~~ blame the cat ~ even if you don't have one.

Bill ~~~~~~~~~~~ ex cat lover


=============================================================



A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF A CAT ATTACK

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. 'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

GOD!!....If they only knew!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 25, 2009, 02:18:31 pm
The Famous Hypnotist!!

It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ....'
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 The Hypnotist yelled out, .....Oh SHIT!!
 
WOW!!, ....It took three days to clean up that Day Centre.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 25, 2009, 06:21:15 pm
Going For A Drink


This diagram represents the thought processes of a man and a woman to the suggestion 'Let's go out for a drink'.

(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1AQhQS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq1AQhQS)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 26, 2009, 08:32:13 am
The Trip To Rome


This is something to think about when people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable..


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome.. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"







He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 26, 2009, 02:45:44 pm
Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!


A little old lady was dozing in the chair , a elderly cat lying across her lap. All of a sudden there was a mighty flash and a genie appeared.

'What is your wish - mistress?' the genie inquired of the old lady.

Dreamingly awakening, the old lady thought for a moment or two,and then said, 'I would like to be young and beautiful again,and I would like Tom the cat to be turned into a handsome,virile young man'.

'You're wish is my command' uttered the genie.

And with a almighty flash of light the lady and the cat assumed the forms
of a beautiful young women and a equally beautiful young man.

The young man glanced across at the wonderful young women,
and taking her hand in his own, drew her towards his chest.
Leaning his head towards her, he whispered softly beside her ear.

'I bet you're sorry now you had me neutered.'



==============================================================




Too Love


TOO LOVE IS NOTHING

TOO BE LOVED IS SOMETHING

TOO LOVE AND BE LOVED IS EVERYTHING



This is for all the romantics out there
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 27, 2009, 07:17:56 am
The Doctors Waiting Room

They always ask at the doctor's surgery why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 27, 2009, 10:42:53 am
LEXOPHILES

I thought I would share these with you, sent from the USA, so if you don't find them amusing do what most Cypriots do : blame the Yanks.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care center where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and
got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take
debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened criminal

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because
they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the
blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on s haky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge

If you take a laptop computer for a run you
could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and
nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a
banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's yo ur vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

&n bsp; A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a
dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four
seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down
under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and
'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory w hich was never
developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen
a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in
Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.

&nbs p; Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 27, 2009, 12:53:01 pm
Friends Re-United


(http://www.postimage.org/aV1xagk0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


I wonder how many of us men has changed as much????

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Smart Arse Answers Of The Year


SMART AR**D ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you
like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART AR**D ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub.'


SMART AR**D ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART AR**D ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART AR**D ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read
'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it...
Cars are backed up for miles...
Finally, a police car comes up...
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
The driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART AR**D ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand!'


This next one actually happened

This reminds me of a good friend Wendy, of my late Wife. Who worked on the Cheese counter at ASDA's in Basildon, Essex.

On a Friday night there was a really long cue for the cheese counter, and there was a guy getting quite agitated at the amount of time he was having to wait/cue. Eventually he got to the counter, and gruffly said to Wendy ''have ya got any fucking cheddar'' without batting an eyelid, she came out with the following '' now let me see sir,  Hm mm we have mild cheddar, mature cheddar, coloured cheddar, and sliced cheddar, but I'm sorry can't see any of your fucking cheddar here tonight!!''
All was said in a complete deadpan face, except for that little shop assistant smile as she looked him square in the face at the very end. The cue fell all over the place laughing.... the guy just bought his 1lb mild cheddar and almost run, getting away from that cheese counter... haha!!  

David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 27, 2009, 03:09:37 pm
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and
they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered,
'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 27, 2009, 05:07:20 pm
Cough!!

The owner of a Chemist walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's too afraid to cough!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JimB on July 27, 2009, 05:40:16 pm
As you all know, I am retiring next week.  I have been training my replacement for about a month.  Finally this morning, I told her one last thing.  That I was leaving 3 envelopes for her.  She asked why would you do that.  I told her.  The first time you screw up big, open the first letter. it says "Blame it on Jim", she asked what is in the 2nd letter, Blame it on the system that you didnt know.  She asked well what if I screw up the third time? I told her, It says, prepare three letters.  (True story)

You know sometimes people ask the most obvious questions just for something to say.  It does get irritating at times.  I do not have a dog but last week my sister asked me to stop by and pick up dog food for her.   Standing in line behind me was a little chunky very smart mouthed women. She was being rude to everyone around her.  i know you have seen them.  Anyway she turns to me and asks, do you have a dog?  I thought for a moment and said no I do not, she asks very haughtily," well then why do you have dog food then?"  I told her I was on a Purina diet.  She looked at me like I was crazy.  She asks, very curiously, "Does it work"  I told her of course it does, I had lost 50 pounds until i wound up in the hospital.  I continued, it does work, dog food has all the nutrients your body needs. I just carry around a pocketful and every time i get hungry I just eat a few pieces.  While she was trying to peek at the ingredients on the dog food bag. She asks, if the ingredients are so good for you how did you end up in the hospital, she asked liked she had caught me.  I said, said well it does have one little drawback,  I stepped into the street and bent over to sniff a dogs ass and a car hit me.  
Everyone in line just broke up laughing except the snotty woman.  I will bet that she will not ask anymore questions of people waiting in line.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 27, 2009, 06:09:34 pm
British Passport Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 27, 2009, 09:14:16 pm
I AM NOT HUNGRY

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind please letting me up now ? I'm bloody starving."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 28, 2009, 07:28:12 am
Bert's New Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied:

'Ya Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 28, 2009, 09:33:23 am
Baptising an Irishman

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
 'Yes, oi am.' ...Shouts the drunk
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?'

The Drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in father?'

______________________________________________________________________________________



SOMETHING FOR US BRIT'S TO PONDER OVER

Common knowledge?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shop-lifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.

What a bunch of arrogant hypocrites we have running our country - it says it all. And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country, courtesy of us, the tax payer.

______________________________________________________________________________________


It might be a joke, ... but you can't be sure with Ryanair


Cick on the picture to enlarge...
(http://www.postimage.org/aVKZQd0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVKZQd0)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 28, 2009, 05:22:24 pm
These People Live Among Us


The most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA:-


"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"


"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."


"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."


We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."


"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."


"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."


"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."


"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.


We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."


A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".


A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.


"The beach was too sandy."


"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."


A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.


"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."


"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."


"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."


"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

and finally-

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
______________________________________________________________________________________



For Our Sins!!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 28, 2009, 08:18:13 pm
Speak To Me!!!!

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group, an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said







"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 29, 2009, 07:40:55 am
East London Translations


Again I apologise before you read this, especially to anyone called Sharon or Tracey, haha!!

Will and Guy have created this guide for those of you who will venture to the East End of London,  
the accent is not unlike true cockney, but without the rhyming slang.

We recommend that you speak each phrase or word out loud before reading the translation which we have supplied:alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item: how much is it?

amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend'): amount

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness or disability: housebound

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day'): horse

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ‘ave you been on sunbed?'): browner

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger: quarter pounder

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff'): down in the mouth

eye-eels - Women's shoes: heels

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre: Thurrock

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper'): garage

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island: Ibiza

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik'): lethargic

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs: hello

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport: newspaper

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig'): rebound

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday: Southend

tan - The city of London, the big smoke: town

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour'): whereabouts

wonnid - Desired, needed or Wanted by the police: wanted

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already'): exaggerate
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 29, 2009, 12:24:12 pm
How to live longer

 

My Doctor's advice

I recently asked several questions and here were his responses:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make yo u live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cheese burger in one hand - chocolate in the other - =2 0 body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 29, 2009, 03:47:13 pm
Arn't Old People Wonderful!!

An Uplifting Story

This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.


Dear St Josephs School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park , Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away.

I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.

It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and naturally I told her to fuck off.
______________________________________________________________________________________



Mafia Don and Stupido Grandson

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Grandson, I wannayou lissinato me. I wannafor you to take my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa," said the grandson, "I really don't like guns. How about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."


""Stupido You lissinato me!" said the Don. "Sommaday you gonnabe runnada business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsamoney, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
.
"Sommaday you gonncoma home and maybe findayou wife innabed with another man.Whattayou gonnado then - pointato your fuggin' Rolexawatch and say, TIME'SA UP?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 29, 2009, 07:35:40 pm
Bubba & Viagra…
 
Bubba went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.
 
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
 
"Why not?' asked Bubba.
 
"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
 
"But I need it really bad,' said Bubba.
 
"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor. 
 
Bubba answered, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
 
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any bad side effects."

On Monday, Bubba dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

Bubba said, "No one showed up."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 29, 2009, 08:25:53 pm
Are Cypriots Materialistic?

A Cypriot was driving along in his brand new BMW with his hand hanging out of the window. A truck driver coming in the opposite direction collided with him ripping off his arm and the entire right hand side of his new car.

When the police arrived he was lying by the roadside yelling "MY beautiful car, my beautiful new car". At this point the policeman pointed out that the fact his arm was missing, and might have slightly more of a problem. "Oh no!" yelled the Cypriot ......."Not my f...ing Rolex as well! "
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 30, 2009, 06:09:56 am
Amusing!

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
_______________________________________________________________________________________


Lost Wife's


I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.

What does your wife look like?"

I said ..... "Forget mine for now, --- let's look for yours."
________________________________________________________________________________________



To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And to those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:


In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = POO,
Wine = HEALTH .

Therefore, it's better

to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of s**t .


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service to ALL!!!!.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 30, 2009, 09:34:18 am
I want That TV!!

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That Miss, not a TV --That, Miss is a top of the range microwave!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Canny In There Old Age!!

Four mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home when a forgetful old Grandpa walked in.
One of the old Grandma's yelled out,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools .... laughing at them!!.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we certainly can!
Just drop your pants and underpants and we can tell your exact age.'

Somewhat embarrassed, but anxious to prove the old
Grannies wrong, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then after a short pause, in unison they all piped up and said,
'You're 87years  and 1 week  old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and almost falling about with laughter, all four ladies happily yelled in unison-
'Cos we were at your birthday party last week!!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 30, 2009, 11:05:03 am
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Chinese Problem....!!

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, White baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this? ............


Sum Ting Wong
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 30, 2009, 02:32:23 pm
A Teachers Mistake At The Races!!!

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 30, 2009, 03:56:30 pm
___________________________________________________________


Engineering Maths! Sinusoidal or Harmonic Motion

I pity the non-engineers who cannot discern the sinusoidal motion on the part of the subject.

Engineers, on the other hand, take delight in burying themselves in such interesting research.


Describing simple harmonic movement:


For Engineers:


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1jplni.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)
(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1jpAl9.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)



For non - Engineers:
(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1jpHPA.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

________________________________________________________________________________________
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 30, 2009, 08:32:01 pm
Divorce v Murder!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 31, 2009, 05:27:45 am
Husband Creche


Great Advertising!

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1E5CuS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1E5CuS)


WoW!!, ..... what a great idea, why didn't someone think of this before ????
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 31, 2009, 06:35:42 am
________________________________________________________________________________________


Canadians?....

Two Newfoundland buddies are walking home from the local pub when one of them drops to the side walk holding his chest. His buddy quickly grabs the cell phone and dials 9-1-1.

The Operator immediately asks: 'What is the emergency and where are
you?'The Newfoundland buddy replies:' I don't know what happened, we were walking home on Eucalyptus street and my friend grabbed his chest and fell down!' The operator asked: 'How do you spell the name of the street?'

The phone seemed to go dead. The operator now really concerned kept
shouting because she could hear him panting! Finally he came back on the
line and said: 'I dragged him over to Oak street , that's O-A-K.'
________________________________________________________________________________________



Cop versus little girl!

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top .......................
________________________________________________________________________________________



The Dentist

A guy & a girl
Meet at a bar. They get along so well
That they decide to go to the girl's
Place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and
Then
Washes his hands.

He then takes off
His trousers and washes his hands.

The girl has been
Watching him and says,'You must be a
Dentist.'

The guy,
Surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure
That out?

'Easy,'
She replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and
They make love.

After they are done,
The girl says, 'You must be a
Good dentist.'

The guy, now with a
Boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a
Good dentist, how did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 31, 2009, 01:01:09 pm
Three Dogs....


Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The black lab turned to the chocolate lab and said, "So
why are you here?" The chocolate lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final
straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed. "The
black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the golden lab and asked,

"Why are you here?" The golden lab said, "I'm a
digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the
hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line
last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like
I'm losing my nuts too",
the dejected golden Lab said.

The golden lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you
here?" "I'm a hump-er," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower
and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I
hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The golden and chocolate labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
off for you too, huh?" The black lab said...." hell No, I'm here to get my nails
clipped." seems there too  scratchy!!!!

________________________________________________________________________________________


A BMW Thinks!!


In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!" :wink
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 31, 2009, 02:08:19 pm
________________________________________________________________________________________


A BMW Thinks!!


In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!" :wink





________________________________________________________________________________________


The Duck!!


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.

.

.
'What the f**K would they want with a plasterer??!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on July 31, 2009, 06:10:22 pm
Taliban Fireworks


The Taliban show you how to use fireworks responsibly:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo1NCvxw8d8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo1NCvxw8d8)

Som Ting Wong

This is really GOOD!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 01, 2009, 08:30:30 am
Getting old!


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time......but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

_________________________________________________________________________________________




THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: ..............









Always keep your condoms in your car.
_________________________________________________________________________________________


This is Awesome!!!!


You may have seen this before, I hadn't so I thought I'd share  

You have to read the caption before looking at 2nd picture

This came from the fire chief in sun city west. Check out these photos and read the caption under the first one before going to the bottom one.

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1iQjF9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1iQjF9)

Look at the picture above and you can see where this guy broke through the guardrail, right side where the people are standing on the road (pointing). The pick-up was traveling from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end, across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which he was traveling.



Now look at the 2nd picture below...

(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1LGkPi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq1LGkPi)

I wonder if he had messy pants when he looked out of his side window??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 01, 2009, 10:51:02 am
Does This Ring Any Bells?


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.



The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
___________________________________________________________

How to get rid of the Wife Quickly..!!!!!!

(http://www.postimage.org/aVmtO5i.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVmtO5i)



(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1m_a_0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq1m_a_0)
_________________________________________________________________________________________




Happy Couple


A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey River!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 01, 2009, 01:46:39 pm
_________________________________________________________________________________________


Aussie Blondes


An Australian walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The Australian stood up again and made another offer

'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the back of the bar.

A Blonde Australian woman timidly spoke up..........

I'll try it! .......Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle.'
_________________________________________________________________________________________


The Divorced Barbie Doll


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?'

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!

Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'
_________________________________________________________________________________________


GENITAL BIO-TECHNOLOGY

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 01, 2009, 05:30:29 pm
The difference between potentially and realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked
him, "Dad, what is the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then
answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars",
and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would! We could really use that money to fix up the
house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sist er and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt f! or a million
dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you
nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days,
then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you
and I are sitting on three million
dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're
living with two sluts and a queer


_________________________________________________________________________________________


The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman,
'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Powdered Black Pepper.'



_________________________________________________________________________________________



Tesco Technology

(Tesco is a large UK supermaket chain..).


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,

The computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and `Pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin


The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm, give him worming tablets.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....



Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 01, 2009, 07:03:16 pm
_________________________________________________________________________________________


THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. ..... So Tray-Up, Bitchy Poo.
_________________________________________________________________________________________



Women Explained By Engineers


PART I   (Juniour Engineers Exam Paper)
(http://www.postimage.org/Pq2r0rV9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2r0rV9)



PART II  
(http://www.postimage.org/aV31vZi0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV31vZi0)


PART III
(http://www.postimage.org/aV31yyqi.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)



PART IV
(http://www.postimage.org/aV31Bp0A.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV31Bp0A)



PART V
(http://www.postimage.org/aV31CNjA.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Here's one for Scottish Rob


The Scotsman

One day a Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Aye,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey' asked the blonde

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Scotsman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed;,

'Sweet Jesus! ....Aye, Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too Girl!!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 02, 2009, 06:59:39 am
THE BEST (Put Down) LINE EVER

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!"


(http://www.postimage.org/PqJa_Fi.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, ....Are you???

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


_________________________________________________________________________________________

Sexy Russian Advert

Life in the Frozen North


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnt76FB-xj4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnt76FB-xj4)



_________________________________________________________________________________________


Therapy

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 02, 2009, 10:10:30 am
High Blood Pressure..!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"62kg," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70kg.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's bloody high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

_________________________________________________________________________________________



OLD IS......


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick just one; ....I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are jokes?


_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________


We'll Sell Your House..!!

If you're thinking of selling your house then this could be the Estate Agent for you.


(http://www.postimage.org/gx1Nia8r.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


I just hope you get to choose which one,... get's to do the deed!!!!!.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 02, 2009, 11:42:45 am
Two Nuns.....

Two nuns are driving along a street at night and stop at a red light. Suddenly, from above, a vampire drops onto the bonnet. He looks at them with hunger in his eyes, and they know they have got to do something quick to save their very lives.

"Quick sister, show him your cross," says the quick thinking driver. At which the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts.....


"Get off the fucking bonnet, you bloody pointy tooth son of a bitch."



____________________________________________________________________________________________________



Cheer Up You Miserable B4st4rds

(http://www.postimage.org/aVQ6ZKr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
And you thought there was no such place, huh????
You will all be so pleased to receive this....... How many times have we been 'up there without one!'

...and here's some more to make you smile!!

(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1yo4ci.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/aVQ7xFr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1yobGJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/aVQ7U6J.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1yoja9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/aVQ7Z60.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1yoo9r.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 02, 2009, 01:33:48 pm
________________________________________________________________________________________




Cypriot Men...


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Cypriot man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time.

.......No one moves.

.......He removes his shirt.

......Muscles ripple across his chest.

......She gasps...

......He whispers....


"Iron this, then get me a brandy, then you can get me something to eat.... i'm starveing"
_________________________________________________________________________________________



  A Real Drinkings Man Bar!!!!

(http://www.postimage.org/aVvXsyS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
_________________________________________________________________________________________


Dutch department store


HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .
HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany . In June of
this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.

Take a look at http://producten.hema.nl/  (http://producten.hema.nl/ )HEMA's product page. You
can't order anything, and it's in Dutch, but just wait a couple of seconds
and watch what happens.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 02, 2009, 02:54:43 pm
_________________________________________________________________________________________



The Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them,
they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!">

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy, I don't tink I can do any more of tis. I'm pissed as a fart and me knees are f f f f**king killin me,  here so they are!!!"


Murphy said, "So how do you thinks I feel den? I lost the frigging sausage in the turd pub so i did!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 02, 2009, 05:01:24 pm
Girls Nite Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off
her panties and used them.

Her friend however, was wearing a expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them and she was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon, so she proceeded to use that.

After they were finished with their business, they proceeded to go
home.

The next day, one of the women's husband was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, very hung over.
He phoned the other husband and said I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties'

That's nothing said the other husband, mine came back with a
card stuck to her ass that said.....

''FROM ALL OF THE GUY'S AT THE FIRE STATION, .....WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU''


_______________
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 02, 2009, 06:05:47 pm
The Lost Puppy!!

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1lL1e9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1lL1e9)


Wonder what the reward is????
________________________________________________________________________________________


Government Health Warning!!....


DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE GUM!

(http://www.postimage.org/aVVMXvA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
_________________________________________________________________________________________




12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator:
'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets..'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 03, 2009, 06:55:05 am
Men Strike Back ....for a change!!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet! than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer Gut,
and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Nothing. You’ve told her once already.
_________________________________________________________________________________________


Quick test for Alzheimers

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it.

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat,

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

-

-
Scroll down




Scroll down





Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on!....
_________________________________________________________________________________________



The Little Firefighter!

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right mister, .....but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 03, 2009, 11:04:48 am
The Money grabber Backfire!!

An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desparately wanted to be rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.
After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their rooms, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.
Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.
Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?".....
The old man chuckled and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 03, 2009, 12:07:55 pm
Flat Tummy

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

________________________________________________________________________________________




Old but Gold...


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it hadn't been for that damned Ice Cream Truck".
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 03, 2009, 06:29:29 pm
Chinese Flies

 A Chinese woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

_______________________________________________________________________________________


The posh call of nature


During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: Wait a minute. I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.



Oooooo, .... that silver tongued, smooth talking little bugger!!
_______________________________________________________________________________________




Texan Favourite Position

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 03, 2009, 07:35:02 pm
One more Blonde joke !!!

A blonde goes to a used car lot to buy a car....after discussion with the Salesman she sadly discovered she could not afford the model she had her eye on.

The sympathetic Salesman suggested that she might want to take a car out the back, which was the same model but had got some dents from hail damage...and it was $1000 dollars cheaper, which was within her budget.

He told her to take it home and blow very hard up the exhaust pipe and the dents would pop out, nobody would ever guess it had been damaged.

She duly took it home and next morning was furiously blowing up the exhaust pipe...to no avail.......

Her blonde next door neighbor leaned over the fence and enquired what she was doing.....

I am trying to blow up the exhaust pipe to pop out these dents...she replied.

Her neighbor laughed and said.."dont be silly, it will never work...........

YOU LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN " :):)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 03, 2009, 07:50:28 pm
Free Meat

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it.

He offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16 years old. She agreed.

He counted the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week came into the shop and said, "I'll be sixteen tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile. "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last sixteen years and watch the expression on his face!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bob on August 03, 2009, 08:25:57 pm
This is a old joke that some of you probably know,,

it's the old, old West, cowboys and Indians,,,

The cowboy walks into the saloon and goes to the bar, he says to the barman, "is that your horse out front?", the barman replies "yes, it is". The cowboy says to the barman, "if I can make your horse laugh,will you give me a free shot of whiskey?" The bar man thinks about it, and says "okay, you got a deal",,so the cowboy goes outside and whispers in the horses ear,,,the horse starts to laugh uncontrollably,,,the cowboy walks back into the saloon and says to the barman "you owe me a shot of whiskey". The barman gives him his free shot,,,The cowboy quickly swallows it down,,,,and puts his glass down on the bar and says to the barman, "If I can make your horse cry, will you give me another free shot of whiskey"?, The barman thinks to himself,,"sure, you got a deal",,,so the cowboy goes outside, and comes back in the saloon 3 minutes latter. The barman looks out the window and see's his horse crying!! The barman is so surprised, he asks the cowboy, "how did you do that!" The cowboy says "will you give me another free shot of whiskey if I tell you?", the barman say's " I will give you the whole bottle if you want". Okay said the cowboy, you have a deal,,,well he said, the first time I went outside I whispered in your horses ear and said "my penis is bigger then yours",,the horse started to laugh,,,the barman said,,well what did you do the second time to make my horse cry?  the cowboy replied " I SHOWED HIM".  :icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 03, 2009, 09:06:58 pm
All Aboard...


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 04, 2009, 08:13:36 am
The Golfing Hit Man


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked!! …….Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 04, 2009, 10:53:29 am
These are just for  ''SLY''   He's French you know !!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BanwQzBQGM           /Speak english in french! Funny!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q76UZ0UrB1g             /Top 5 English to French Translation Mistakes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2S76LSHLcs              /how to learn french
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 04, 2009, 11:55:25 am
__________________________________________________________________________________________



Why you should never question a drunk!

I was shopping at the local Super market where I selected:

A half-gallon of milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're f*cking ugly."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 04, 2009, 02:17:10 pm
Yelling in the House

Click on the pic to enlarge
(http://www.postimage.org/aV1QBAtr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1QBAtr)

__________________________________________________________________________________________




A Ventriloquist Visiting Wales


A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.
Anyway, He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man : "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"


Hmmmm..... Must be true what they say about the Welsh, ....and about them all being sheep shaggers then!! ...hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 04, 2009, 04:17:04 pm
Golfing Accident

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels really great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 04, 2009, 05:38:21 pm
__________________________________________________________________________________________




Did Philip fart?

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1DRusJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1DRusJ)

It is a well known fact , well at least amongst the Royal watchers , that Philip is a farter !!
He certainly is ~ and can be a bloody miserable old fart too.
__________________________________________________________________________________________




Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars.


Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."


Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 04, 2009, 07:18:53 pm
Smart Lady

One day an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted to speak to the President of the Bank in order to open a savings account because she said; she had a lot of money.

After many discussions, an employee took her along to the office of the President. The President of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She answered him, 165,000 dollars, while putting money on his desk.

Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving such a lot of money. The old lady answered him that she made bets.

The President quite surprised asked her: “Which kind of bets?” The old lady answered him: “For example, I bet you 25,000 dollars that your testicles are square”.

The President started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bets was impossible to win!

Then the old lady replied: “Would you like to make this bet?” “Certainly!” answered the President, “I guarantee you 25,000 dollars that my testicles are not square.”

The old lady thus said to him: “I agree, but given the importance of the implied sum, I will come back tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. with my lawyer as a witness if you don’t see any inconvenience.” “No problem” said the President of the bank very trustfully.

That evening, the President became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his damned testicles could not seen as square and therefore to be sure to win his bet.

On the next day, 10:00 A.M. sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the President to confirm the bet of 25,000 dollars for the fact his testicles were square. The President confirmed that the bet was in agreement with the commitments taken the day before.

The old lady thus asked him to drop his trousers, and the remainder, so that she and her lawyer can see everything: that the president kindly did.

The old lady came then closer to see and asked him whether she could touch them or not. “Of course please do!” said the President to her, given the fact that there is so much money involved; you must be 100 per cent sure. And the old lady started to do so with a smile.

The president realized that the lawyer was strucking his head against the wall. He asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting like that.

She answered:“It is probably due to the fact that I bet 100,000 dollars with him that, around 10:00 A.M., I would be holding the testicles of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands.”
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 05, 2009, 05:42:48 am
Would you have been this patient?


The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a top
London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the
letters to the London Sunday Times.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from
the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I
didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not
object to when you checked in last Monday.

Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Doty, your regular maid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
case call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have
54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give
me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them moved. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I
had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-
size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in
your room.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.

- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
3.

- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 2.

- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I
am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

S. Berman
_______________________________________________________________________________________




Two Daft Duck Hunters


ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE
INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG....???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay. . .doing fine.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 05, 2009, 07:25:20 am
_______________________________________________________________________________________


Employee Evaluations



The following are taken from actual Employee Evaluations hope you enjoy:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won?t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn?t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn?t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He?s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It?s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 05, 2009, 09:03:28 am
The Confession


A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World
War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"
_______________________________________________________________________________________



Baby examination

 A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room , waiting for the
 doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
 
 The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being
 a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
 
 Breast-fed,"she replied.
 Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
 
 She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
 breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

 Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is
 underweight. You don't have any milk."  
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 05, 2009, 01:23:58 pm
Priest and a Rabbi...

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, are
always arguing the finer points of thier respective theologies. Trying
to prove the other one is wrong.

One day they are riding in a car, they get cut off by a drunk driver.
The car flies off the road, rolls five times end-over-end, and comes
to rest on it's roof.

The Priest and Rabbi crawl from the wreckage and are amazed, they are
even alive. As the Priest crosses himself, he notices the Rabbi doing the same.

The priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"
"What?" said the Rabbi.
"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is
wonderful."

"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking 'Spectacles,
Testicles, Wallet and Watch.'"



''Methinks there is a little bit of Jews in most men''
________________________________________________________________________________



Discrimination At School

Teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 05, 2009, 03:16:32 pm
This is an old Cypriot joke I just remembered…

The Cabbie and the Boy…

A Taxi driver picked up a little boy one day and drove off to take him home. The boy took a seat, fastened his seatbelt, and started asking the cabbie questions…

“If your father was a Bull and your mother was a Cow what would that make you sir?”

“A little calf?” …replied the cabbie.

“If your father was a Stag and your mother was a Deer what would that make you sir?”

“A baby deer?” ...replied the cabbie.

“If your father was a Goose and your mother was a Gander what would that make you sir?”

“Now hang on a tick there son…” complained the cabbie, “Because I’m getting a little tired of this so here’s a question for YOU now…”

“If your mother was a bloody whore and your father a dammed pimp what would that make YOU boy?”

“A cabbie ...sir?” …replied the boy.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 05, 2009, 05:36:12 pm
Computer password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,

At the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him to
enter a password.



Something he will use to log on.

The husband figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to
his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife, what he was entering by stating each
letter out loud as he typed:




P... E... N... I... S.



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:






*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 06, 2009, 08:54:54 am
Stop Choking - AUSSIE STYLE!!!


A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 06, 2009, 12:37:24 pm
Don't step on the ducks


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a BLOODY DUCK!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 06, 2009, 03:38:15 pm
It's The Way You Tell Them!!


It's not what you say it's the way that you say it............
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from uk council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 06, 2009, 05:46:22 pm
On An Oriental Theme



After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see a chinese sex therapist. Dr Chang.

He says Take off all your clothes and get down and craw reery, reery fas to other side of room.

She does that.

Now craw reery, reery fas back.
As she did Dr Chang shook is head.

Yr problem vewy vewy bad you have worse case of Ed Zachery disease ive ever see, dat why you get no date or sex.

Woman says "oh my god" whats Ed Zachery disease. Dr says its when your face looks Ed Zachery rike your arse
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 06, 2009, 08:20:06 pm
Ask Walter


The following is an example of why men do not usually write advice columns.

Ask Walter
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Norma



Dear Norma:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter


What's all the fuss about??  I think Walters answer was direct and to the point, and covered all the relevent points to Normas Question.... hahaha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on August 07, 2009, 01:10:12 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='11283' dateline='1249587495'

It's The Way You Tell Them!!


It's not what you say it's the way that you say it............
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from uk council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2


Think of the Bennie Hill song as you read these...:fi_lone_ranger:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 07, 2009, 06:39:40 am
You Just Can’t Make These Up!   Remember, .....These people walk among us!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number on".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.
If I turn the clock on the computer back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute; I hadn't inserted it yet, it's still on my desk, sorry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Karen, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My new keyboard is not working.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK!
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes!
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does works...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it in windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is in a window, and his printer is working fine."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P.....on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest in a long time and I am sure it echo’s the frustration call centre staff feel at times, however, I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you log out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put yourself in the right angle where you can see?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......................................A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Tell me, do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 07, 2009, 08:46:43 am
The Male Brain.


(http://www.postimage.org/gx3ksHlA.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)


Must be something wrong with mine, ...... only half of mine is like this!!!



_____________________________________________________________________________________



A Beautiful Wedding


Imagine the following:
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto the church steps

The photographers raise their cameras following your family tradition, both of you hold white doves Which you will release together You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and relatives eagerly wait The main photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky

Not a dry eye in the house, the cameras flash non-stop; That moment is preserved for eternity


(http://www.postimage.org/gx2jpRz9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx2jpRz9)




______________________________________________________________________________________





In What Language??



(http://www.postimage.org/gx3HzyoA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx3HzyoA)


Had this emailed to me once, and I think it's a Scandanavian company, possibly Finnish or Danish. Apparantly it's the genuine article too - picture taken by a British tourist who couldn't believe his eyes!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 07, 2009, 09:51:53 am
_________________________________________________________________________________



How Not To Take Those Holiday Photos!



(http://www.postimage.org/aV2cPwRA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://www.postimage.org/aV2cPTiS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://www.postimage.org/aV2cQtJ0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV2cQtJ0)

(http://www.postimage.org/aV2cQV9A.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 07, 2009, 02:07:27 pm
You Cannot Hide the Truth From Kids!



A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play Date.

Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 07, 2009, 05:07:38 pm
Dublin personal ads


How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin News:


Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

-------------------------------



Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

------------------------



Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

-------- ------------------

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

--------------------------

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

--------------------------



Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
__________________________________________________________________________________




Two Women Talking



Ladies talking in Heaven...........

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 07, 2009, 08:07:37 pm
Only In America!!.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 08, 2009, 08:35:11 am

Aussie Radio Humour


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykqWMl9IVRw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykqWMl9IVRw)

This is a really funny Audio clip taken from an Aussie radio station.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 08, 2009, 11:09:24 am
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 08, 2009, 02:28:52 pm
With Compliments From Deniz

Received this in my mail today from Deniz. It must be a score from the horny section. (yes it's a female)

Click on image to get full effect.
(http://www.postimage.org/aV1I20L9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1I20L9)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 08, 2009, 03:54:55 pm
____________________________________________________________________________________




WAL MART

The Wal-Mart Greeter
 
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her
Two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.  
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no, they
Ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6.
Why the hell would
You think they are twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter.

"I just couldn't believe for the life of me, that you got laid twice"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 08, 2009, 05:17:59 pm
The Facelift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday.
She spends £20,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news-agent to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the sales assistant, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." he woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her knickers and begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47" Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies, "I've always been resourcful man lady, and could always use an opportunity as and when it presented it's self. ....... I was behind you in McDonald's."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ahkiwi on August 08, 2009, 08:32:54 pm
When you go to a country, you must learn how to say two things: how to ask for food, and to tell a woman that you love her.

Of these the second is more important, for if you tell a woman you love her she will certainly feed you.

- Louis L'Amour
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 09, 2009, 10:41:09 am
STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand newstud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,


''Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.''







Moral of this
Story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 09, 2009, 04:44:21 pm
Paddy and Murphy

Farmers Paddy and Murphy had just finished ploughing a field, and were both sat in the tractor cab towing the plough behind them. Just as they exited the field through a gate, and were broadside across the narrow country lane, a sports car came round the bend at high speed! Seeing the lane completely blocked, and going too fast to be able to stop, in order to avoid a collision with the hefty tractor and plough, the sports car driver steered through the gateway that Paddy and Murphy had just come out of. The car hit the lines of earth where the plough had been - rolled over 17 times, and burst into flames.
"Bejaysus" said Paddy to Murphy, "we only just got out of that field in time!"


____________________________________________________________________________________



Paddy and Murphy are having a few pints in their local, when Paddy realises he's going to be late home. As he had previously promised his wife that he wouldn't be late, he decided to ring her with an excuse. When he rejoined Murphy in the bar, he said "Bejaysus Murphy, you won't believe what I've just heard! I was phoning the wife when I must have got a crossed line, and I heard someone saying that they're going to assassinate the Pope tomorrow."
"Paddy me boy" says Murphy, "we can make a fortune out of this information. Get yourself into the bookies, and put all of our money on the Pope being murdered tomorrow." Off went Paddy into the nearest bookies, and placed the bet at odds of 1000/1.
The following day, they were both in the pub again just as the lunchtime news came on the radio. A grim sounding newscaster announced the breaking news that the Pope had been shot and killed on the balcony of the Vatican. "We're rich, we're rich!" cried Murphy ...........
"Not yet Murphy" said Paddy, "I've done him as a double with that heathen the Archbishop of Canterbury"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 09, 2009, 06:16:30 pm
Mobile phones can be expensive!

The mens locker room was full after a busy gym session. A mobile phone was laying on the bench, and started to ring. A guy pushed his way through to the bench to answer it, and a sweet female voice on the other end said "Hi Honey, it's me". "I'm in Knightsbridge, and I've just seen the most fabulous Mercedes. Can I have it if I promise to be nice to you?" "Of course you can my sweet" replied the man, "just put it on my credit card." "Oh thank you" she squealed excitedly. "I've also seen some lovely jewellry in Harrods, but it cost over £20,000 ....... I don't suppose?"
"Anything for you Sweetie" replied the man. "Go ahead and get it, and just put it on my credit card." Now in total ecstacy, she thought she'd try her luck one more time. "There's a great offer on at the travel agents too, with a round the world cruise, travelling first class, for only £50,000. Do you think......." "Go ahead and book it" said the man, "just put it on my credit card." "You won't regret it" purred the soft female voice, "I'm going to be really nice to you when you get home!"
The man ended the call, and replaced the phone on the bench. Addressing all the guys in the locker room, he asked "anyone know whose phone that is?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 09, 2009, 07:50:01 pm
Now, .....look what i just found, i'm told this will break-down /fold-down for easy traveling!!!
So any long bus rides in China guys, ....NO problem!!,
Rented an apartment with a squat Loo, ...NO problem!!


(http://www.postimage.org/gxfgFnwJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 09, 2009, 08:54:51 pm
______________________________________________________________________________________








SENIOR MOMENTS

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly , "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 06:06:08 am
This One Tickled Me!!!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.(that's a new phrase to me and I like it!) I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don’t feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just

love me for
who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 09:21:17 am
Cheap Parking ???


A woman goes into a bank in New York and asked about a loan for $ 50,000. The bank clerk tells her what the interest rate is and she accepts.

She then asks if she can leave her car in the bank's car park, as she needs to use the money to sign a business deal in Europe. The car is a Rolls Royce. The bank manager, because of the business she has just done,  says yes.

A month later she returns and pays the loan in full and the interst comes to just $ 50.00. The bank manager, after accepting her money says
" we did some checks on you and you are loaded, we didnt understand why you needed to loan the $ 50,000 and then pay it back with just a $ 50.00 interest payment.

" where else can I park my Rolls Royce for a month in New York, ...for just $ 50.00 " she said



________________________________________________________________________________________





The Deaf Genie.

a guy walks into an empty pub,to find a sad looking bartender wiping some glasses. ''what can i get you sir?''
-"howdy partner..i think i'll have me a scotch on the rocks'' says the guy.
-as the guy sips his drink the bartender asks ''you wanna see something interesting'' and immediately pulls out a small piano from under the bar and then, to the guys suprise,pulls out a small man not much taller than than a pint glass who then straight away pulls out a mini seat from under the mini piano and starts playing some of the most beautiful music the guy has ever heard."I don't believe it'' says the guy.
the barman still looking sad pulls out a lamp-"there's a genie in there'' he says ''Go on,give it a rub''
''You having a laugh?'' says the customer but rubs it anyway and to his amazement a genie does come out.''Well,go on,speak up, what do you want,whats your wish..i dont have all day you know''demands the genie.
the guy-in totall shock- ''i.. er..mm..i wanna million bucks!'' he says then suddenly realises that he could of asked for a lot more.
''what?..er..ok your wish is my command'' says the genie as he disappears into the lamp.
''Was that a joke?'' asks the guy as all of a sudden loads of ducks come crashing in from the windows and ceiling and next thing you know there's about a million ducks in the bar.All going crazy around the american tourist.
-''there you go sir''said the barman''a million ducks''
the guy-fighting off the ducks-''i didn't ask for a million ducks.I asked for a million bucks.''
the barman bows his head,looks him the eye and says ''Do you honestly believe that i wished for a 12 inch pianist''.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 11:06:07 am
The Sperm Race


Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm Stanley who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, etc. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

"Why do you keep working out all the time,Stanley" they asked.

"Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was Stanley, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming.
Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.
And then very shortly Stanley appeared, screaming with all his might, "Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Sylvain D on August 10, 2009, 12:26:59 pm
LOL :D
I like this one ^^'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 12:34:44 pm
Wailing Wall


In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for
a long, long time; so she went to check it out.


She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was. She watched him pray;
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him
for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC. Sir, how long have you been coming to
the wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fu***ng brick wall Miss."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Sylvain D on August 10, 2009, 12:39:06 pm
:D
It's also funny to read it, and to read just below, your signature :D

For a coke...
I try to translate as well one joke I really like (french one)

A pirate enters a bar, accompanied by his faithful parrot.
Being thirty at the top, he exclaims:
"Bartender, a whiskey please! Immediately!"
The parrot looks at the bartender and says, "and a coke!"
The pirate looks his parrot, staring it and says, "Shut up!"
The parrot, fearful of the pirate, doesn't dare looking in the pirate's eyes and lowers his head.
The bartender serves whiskey for the pirate, the coca to the parrot and goes back to take care of other customers.
The pirate empties his glass of a sudden one, looks around, while his parrot finally sipps his coke.
"Bartender! Another whiskey, immediately!"
and the parrot continued: "and a coke!"
The pirate stares again his parrot, quite upset, and says again:
"Shut up or you will regret it!"
The parrot is silent immediately, sheepishly, while the bartender serves the second pirate whiskey and coca to the parrot.
The pirate, pretty nervous, simulates to drink his whiskey, stares the parrot, who dares say nothing.
He begins to empty his glass of a sudden one, and his parrot its coke without flinching.
He then pretends to order a whiskey, but the parrot still says nothing, it does not even look at his master.
The pirate talks loudly again: "and whiskey, bartender, right ...."
The parrot then says : "and a cokeeeee, pleaseeeeee".
The pirate gets up at once, grabs the parrot feathers, heads to a table, takes 2 knives, and then goes to one of the walls of the bar, extends the wings of a parrot, plants a knife in each of those. This done, he then says to his parrot:
"I warned you !!!  That's what it costs to play with me and making me angryyyyyyyyyy!"
And on this, the pirate leaves, slamming the door behind the bar, leaving the parrot, alone, attached to the wall.
Nobody supports him, not even the bartender.
Then the parrot, sad, looks about him ... but nobody wants to return to face the pirate.
Then he sees Jesus on his cross, not far from him.
It looks, always sad, and he then asks Jesus :
"Did you too want some coke?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 02:22:10 pm
Marriage is a life sentence!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive.

"Yes I do" she replied. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 04:26:56 pm
Two Sperms

Two ejaculated sperms were swimming along side by side

One said to the other

How much further is our destination

The other said

Along way yet we are just passing her Tonsills
______________________________________________________________________________________






A Good Irish Joke  (Paddy & Murphy)

Murphy calls round to see his friend, Paddy, who's housebound with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are feckin freezin. Could you nip upstairs and fetch me slippers ?".
"No bother mate", says Murphy and runs upstairs, where he sees Paddy's stunning, 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello, girls. Yer pa sent me up to shag you both".
"Feck off, you liar" say the girls.
Murphy says, "I'll prove it to you, and shouts down the stairs,

"Both of them, Paddy ?."



"Of course !. What's the use of just f#cking one !.".
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 06:23:39 pm
Arsenal Fans

This is true story from an Arsenal football club season-ticket holder


His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Highbury main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view.
Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.
After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season.
The response is legendary:

Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought my son and me a season ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas.

I was f***in' raging!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 10, 2009, 08:44:49 pm
9 Months Later


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 11, 2009, 12:50:48 pm
Friends

 Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When
you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

The first friend said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

The Second friend commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference
in people's lives."


The Third friend said: "I'd like them to say,  ......."Look, he's moving!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 11, 2009, 02:44:14 pm
Sipping Vodka


A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

To all those very religious people in the forum sorry if its a bit blasphemous but I thought it was funny
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 11, 2009, 03:35:52 pm
Hell David, you should have put this in the religious trend. :icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 11, 2009, 04:01:49 pm
Vince,

Hmmmmm , ....I don't think some would have appreciated it too much   haha!!

David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 11, 2009, 06:39:31 pm
Will You Marry Me?

The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, "No problem! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a ten-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"OK. I cut. I cut, ....I cut"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 11, 2009, 08:39:54 pm
Three Farmers, a pig and a monkey


There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question, he replied, ''shit, ...shit everywhere, ...everywhere you looked it was covered in shit!!   When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the bloody cork back in."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 12, 2009, 05:56:38 am
Men are so gullible


A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.
With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've
eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice,
especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and, of course, his great, big
motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that
we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many
more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that
marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends.
They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever> want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so
Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has
arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their
basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,> >
Aimee

P.S.

Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than
ENGLAND LOSING ON PENALTIES AGAIN!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 12, 2009, 09:20:42 am
Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care.
I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 12, 2009, 01:58:10 pm
Tea For Real Men?


(http://www.postimage.org/gx5JHwvS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 12, 2009, 04:13:40 pm
Speaking Out Against The Dangers Of Drugs!!


Two young guys are picked up by the cops for smoking dope – they appear in court on Friday. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

On Monday, the two guys are back in court. The judge says to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this - O o - and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" the judge says. He turns to the second guy. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred fifty six people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles - o O - and said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your rectum before prison..." and then pointing out what the big circle meant once you are in prison
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 12, 2009, 06:16:06 pm
The Summer BBQ


After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....


I get the distinct impression this was writen by a woman....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 12, 2009, 08:26:01 pm
At the local Town Hall , an open night was organised by a group dabbling in the supernatural and was widely attended by people from the local community.

The Session Leader explained that they were going to examine the views and eperiences from the audience about ghosts.

She asked all that had HEARD a ghost to put up their hands...about 90% of the people put up their hands

She then asked all that had SEEN a ghost to put up their hands...about 40% of the people put up their hands

She then asked all that had SPOKEN with a ghost to put up their hands.....6 people responded

She then asked all that had KISSED a ghost tp put up their hands....3 people responded

She then asked all who had SCREWED a ghost to put up their hands...only one small, wiry and very old Man right in the back put up his hand......

The Leader than asked this Man to come forward and address the audience...she said that it was a very rare thing that he had accomplished.

So,,,she said, what is your name...Fred Smith, he replied.

She then asked him, to get to the microphone and explain to all, the story of how he had SCREWED a ghost

The little old man looked a bit confused and said

GHOST ??? Geeeez...I thought you said GOAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 12, 2009, 08:47:27 pm
The Drunk....



A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on your great swing!", replies the drunk.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 13, 2009, 07:39:36 am
Can You Believe This Guy's Luck.


CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

(http://img30.imageshack.us/img30/611/95810018.th.png) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVeeALi)


This guy wins $120 million in the lottery on Wednesday,
and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later!
Talk about LUCK!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ahkiwi on August 13, 2009, 07:46:56 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='12517' dateline='1250163576'

Can You Believe This Guy's Luck.


CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

(http://img30.imageshack.us/img30/611/95810018.th.png) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVeeALi)


This guy wins $120 million in the lottery on Wednesday,
and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later!
Talk about LUCK!!!


hahahaha :D
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 13, 2009, 12:08:48 pm
Real Redneck Vacations

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me.




So what do ya reckon??..... Was it Luther keeping Earlene happy while Bob was off enjoying himself ??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 13, 2009, 01:28:54 pm
LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the
girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed.

"I almost got caught yesterday."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 13, 2009, 04:02:50 pm
The Shepherd & The City Slicker


A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a
cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a
database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an
email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young
man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

''You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
 .........................Now give me back my dog."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on August 14, 2009, 01:32:45 am
Quote from: 'ahkiwi' pid='12518' dateline='1250164016'

Quote from: 'David5o' pid='12517' dateline='1250163576'

Can You Believe This Guy's Luck.


CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

(http://img30.imageshack.us/img30/611/95810018.th.png) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVeeALi)


This guy wins $120 million in the lottery on Wednesday,
and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later!
Talk about LUCK!!!


hahahaha :D


She carries a shovel for digging in her purse...but money can by happiness![/size][/color]
A guy walks into confession, and tell's the priest, father I just stole an entire load of lumber.
The priest thinks about this for a while, then say's.  My son, have you ever done a novenia?
The guy replies, no father, but if you have the plans, I've got the lumber.
lol  lol
WANTED --- Small beautiful chinese lady, must be as strong as Jethro, be able to clean horse stall's, feed chickens, have a large bank account, own a nice fishing boat, be able to bait a hook, must be familar with pop top beer cans and be able to open at a moment's notice, Cleaning and cooking fish is also a must. Must like sex in all enviroments also at a moments notice.  Be able to wax a pickup truck, and keep the house and barn clean at all times. Please send picture of fishing boat...:fi_lone_ranger:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 14, 2009, 04:07:17 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='12556' dateline='1250193770'

The Shepherd & The City Slicker


A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a
cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a
database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an
email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young
man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

''You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
 .........................Now give me back my dog."



Did you know that you are not allowed to insult people here...I was told it on good authority
Best wishes...DavidE (Management Consultant ) :):):):)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 14, 2009, 05:04:40 am
Bar joke
A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?"



Lawyers
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.


Best Friends.
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything
about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.



A Real Cowboy!!!!
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, " Hell, ...i always thought I was, ...but God dam it, I just found out I'm a lesbian."




The Priest...
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, he gives around five dollars."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 14, 2009, 05:08:37 am
Living proof that dog is Man's best friend.......

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for 30 minutes...and check which one is pleased to see you when you open it !!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 14, 2009, 06:50:21 am
Which One Is Married?

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None." replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 14, 2009, 08:35:58 am
Four Catholic Women


Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say,     "Oh My ..God...."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 14, 2009, 10:38:27 am
Size Matters....


A vicar heard from one of his parishioners that one of his three daughters had become 'A lady of the night'.
The vicar was of course disgusted with this information and when he returned home he called in his eldest daughter.
He removed his trousers,put his old man on the table and said to his daughter,"What is that?".
She replied "It's a prick Daddy".
The vicar went red with rage,he ordered his daughter out of their home telling her never to return.
He then called in his second daughter and did the same,and asked the same question to which she also replied "It's a prick Daddy".
Again the vicar ordered his daughter from their home telling her never to return.
He then called in his youngest daughter and again removed his trousers and asked the question,she looked carefully and said "Daddy that is where you wee wee from".
"Thank God" Said the vicar" At least one of my daughters is pure".Turning to the girl he said" I showed your two sisters this and they said it was a prick"
The girl again looked at her father and said "Eh! ...You Call that a prick ..huh"!!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 14, 2009, 02:04:46 pm
Larnaca Shopping Centre scam - BEWARE (Cyprus)

I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened to me at Orphanides Shopping Centre, Larnaca and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two really good looking 20ish year old women come to your car as you are leaving the car park, while you are placing your shopping on the floor of the front seat. One starts wiping your windscreen with a sponge and squeegee while the other comes to your window saying "Hi", while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" but beg you for a ride to Chris Cash & Carry. You agree and ask them to sit in the back seat.

On the way, they start passionately kissing each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs a sex act on you. Whilst you are distracted, the other one steals your wallet!

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday - and still have the extra three wallets I bought.

Please be careful and watch out for these scammers............. !
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 14, 2009, 04:27:04 pm
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke!????

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work

on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch

and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and

cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I

get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!

If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and

cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his

death as well.



At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd

known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never

would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos

or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

Wait for it .....It's really worth it .....

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't you look at me. ....He always made his own lunch."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 14, 2009, 07:01:36 pm
Three Minute Management Lesson

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, high up.
____________________________________

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Management Lesson
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
___________________________________

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends your three minute management course
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 15, 2009, 07:58:50 am
Rental Agreement

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he
tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but
he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed
note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of
your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;


1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, there
wasn't any heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:

Dear sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't
blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ahkiwi on August 15, 2009, 08:31:02 am
(http://www.myspacefx.net/graphics/cat/Funny_Graphics_and_Pics/lol-cats_i-love-this-thread-so-much.jpg)
(http://gustav.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/funny-picture-in-a-sec-cat.jpg)
(http://ui17.gamespot.com/1072/funnypicturestigersbathsoup_2.jpg)
Here's one I made just for you guys

(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/8/15/128948136169136094.jpg)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 15, 2009, 08:44:57 am
Broken Marriage...


Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. You're cheating or you don't love me
anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife
*****************
Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman
is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to
drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did
notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me
to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you
when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on
it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten
million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed Rich As Hell and ......FREE!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 15, 2009, 02:39:18 pm
Any Aussies Out There.....

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of turds, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hel_l out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 15, 2009, 03:53:05 pm
THIS ONE'S JUST FOR YOU DAVID E

Foster Lager

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into
a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and
notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to
his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says
no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is
travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him
again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some
attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so
she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in
Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"


"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"


"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,² What number?"


He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.


"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still
live there!"



"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 15, 2009, 05:09:04 pm
Redneck Joke: From A Mother With Love


Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

I've heard there were people like this in Americas backwoods....WOW!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 15, 2009, 07:54:10 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='12827' dateline='1250361558'

Any Aussies Out There.....

Davo, Maaaate...nah, wouldnt happen in Banana bender country, more likely Sandgroper or Crow eater...

But maaaaate, I've spat the dummy, pulled the pin and shot through and done a runner, like a roo in a bushfire with its arse on fire.
Now I got the drum on the ROE here I dont want the occkers to think I'm a raw prawn, so i'll watch from the sidelines, flat out like a lizard drinking..but she'll be right maaaate......I didn't come down in the last shower.

D
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 15, 2009, 08:39:52 pm
David,

The one i said was for you , ...was the Fosters lager one... not the dunnie heaps one  haha!!

David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ahkiwi on August 16, 2009, 01:26:27 am
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
--------------------------------------------

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
 
--------------------------------------------

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

--------------------------------------------

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

--------------------------------------------

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

--------------------------------------------

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

--------------------------------------------

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas

--------------------------------------------

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

--------------------------------------------

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

--------------------------------------------

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."

-- Dan Quayle

--------------------------------------------

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

--------------------------------------------

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

--------------------------------------------

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

--------------------------------------------

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

--------------------------------------------

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

--------------------------------------------

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 16, 2009, 12:31:00 pm
The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he is going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a
blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way.

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue
to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! .......I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 16, 2009, 02:37:09 pm
A Guy's Logic


A man is dating three women and wants to decide
which to marry. He decides to give them a test.
He gives each of the women a present of $5000
and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a
fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make
up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she
has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much. The man was
impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos
for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so
much. Again the man was impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She
earns several times the $5000. She gives him back
his $5000 and has reinvested the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much. Obviously,
the man was very impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each women
had done with the money he'd given her. Then he
married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like
that you know.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on August 16, 2009, 03:56:41 pm
David you crack me up mate.....ROFLMAO
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 16, 2009, 06:56:34 pm
Reincarnation


Gary came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Gary, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Gary was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Gary was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.


"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.


The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"


"It's not so bad" replies Gary, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".


"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid

an egg before".


"Never" replies Gary


"Well just relax and let it happen"


And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!


The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Gary, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 16, 2009, 07:10:37 pm
A Catholic Priest was walking one day in his garden, contemplating the meaning of everything and he heard a little voice.....

It said "Father, Father, over here...please help me"

The Priest started to search around for the source of this little voice...but could not find it

"Father, Father, over here....please help me" it said again.

Finally , after much searching, the Priest spied a little green frog, sitting on a stone at the side of the pathway.

The little green frog was saying..."Father, Father, it is me, please, please help me" !!

So the Priest went over to the little green frog and said, "Of course my little green frog, I will help you, that is what I do....I am a Catholic Preist...what is your problem ??"

The frog replied 'I am not really a little green frog, I am a fair-haired, blue eyed little boy of 9 years old and I have been turned into a little green frog by a wicked Witch"

"Oh, how terrible" replied the Priest.."what can I do to help you ?"

The little green frog replied  "I can only be turned back into a fair-haired, blue eyed little boy of 9 years old by staying the night on a Priest's pillow"

"Well, my son" the Priest replied "that is easy. I can do that for you"

So the Priest gently picked up the little green frog and took it home where he placed it tenderly on his pillow as he went to bed for the night.

And...sure enough, there in the morning was a fair-haired, blue eyed little boy of 9 years old !!!

And there, Your Honour, rests the case for the defence
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 16, 2009, 07:58:00 pm
Bra Sizes Explained.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H
are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen! and I can't get up

________________________________________________________________________________________





APPLICATION FOR* *MEMBERSHIP**

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in
Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went
to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his
application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that
he would have their decision in a couple of days.


Two days later he was told that his application was
refused. He went there to find out why.

He was asked, "You're Jewish,
aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."

"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."

"Aye, I know that."

"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."

"Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a

circumcised man parading around with us."

"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to

march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the
Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a
man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 17, 2009, 07:03:33 am
Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...
.
.
. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!



______________________________________________________________________________________



French Customs / Passport Control



The old American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane
and at French customs and fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France
before.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.

The American said, "The last time I came to France I
did not have to show my passport."

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to
show your passports on arrival in France!"

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then, with the feel of acid on his words, calmly stated,
"I assure you,..young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha
Beach in Normandy on D- day in 1944, there were no *&%$# Frenchmen anywhere on that beach."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 17, 2009, 04:04:35 pm
THE DIRTY MIND TEST....

(I wonder who will pass!!!!!)

1. What is a four letter word that ends in K and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they often blow it?
4. What word starts with F and ends with UCK?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in UNT. One of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What four letter word begins with F and ends with K, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9. What four letter word ends it IT and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10. What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some men, the pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives to his wife after they are married?


Well guess I know what you were all thinking……. The answers are:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1.TALK
2.LEGS
3.A £10 NOTE
4.FIRETRUCK
5. BUNT, HUNT, RUNT, PUNT, AUNT.
6. PANTS
7. FORK
8. A SNICKERS BAR
9. GRIT
10. THEIR SURNAME.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 17, 2009, 07:39:07 pm
An Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." Mary said: "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 18, 2009, 05:55:54 am
Indian Names


A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor
of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while
the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign,
or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all
together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we
survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,
because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon
reflected in the lake.


Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he
was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the
prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our
capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other
questions, Little ''Broken Condom Made in China''?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Frans B on August 18, 2009, 10:30:24 am
GOOD MORNING GIRLS the blind man said
.
.
.
.
.
. when he walked past the fish shop.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 18, 2009, 10:48:10 am
I might make this my new signature?

[attachment=544]

Catfucius says
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. 
If you can't eat it or play with it, Just pee on it and walk away. 
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 18, 2009, 02:13:05 pm
Victoria's Secret


A husband walks into the Victoria's Secret shop to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him from the balcony. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.

Funeral will be on Thursday
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 18, 2009, 09:22:17 pm
The Happy Gorilla!!

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom
at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan
it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell ...''HIM''  that you have a
Headache!!!! . . . "
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 19, 2009, 06:48:15 am
Are You Deaf?

A man visits his doctor to ask for help with his wife.

“Doctor” he says, “I think my wife is going deaf but she will not come to see you about it. Every time I try to talk to her about it, she just goes all quite”.

“Well” says the Doctor, “I can always come to your house to see her but I would like you to do something for me first so that I can assess how deaf she is. When you go home tonight, I want you to enter the house very quietly and find the room that you wife is in. I want you to stand by the door of the room and say, in a normal voice, “what’s for dinner tonight darling”, and see if she responds. If she doesn’t, take a step into the room and say it again. If she still does not respond, do it again, and so on. When she does respond, I want you to make a note of the distance you were standing from her so that you can tell me tomorrow night.

The man thanks the doctor and goes home.

He enters the house quietly and can hear his wife in the kitchen. He finally stands by the kitchen door and sees his wife washing the dishes with her back to him. He grabs his chance and asks “What’s for dinner tonight darling”.

Nothing!!

He takes a step into the room and asks again!

Nothing!!

One more step and he says again “What’s for dinner tonight darling”.

His wife spins around very fast and shouts out to his face, “For God's sake, ...I’ve told you three times now you deaf old bugger”
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 19, 2009, 12:52:30 pm
SPAGHETTI (Get's A Whole New Meaning!!)


A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby
there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the
back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the
mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to
the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti,
spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 19, 2009, 03:16:07 pm
Christian Hanky Panky


The youngest and prettiest novice in the convent went to the Mother Superior and said, "Holy Mother, I have sinned, I have tasted the pleasures of the flesh."

"My poor child, how did this happen?"

"I was at my prie-dieu in my cell, when I heard the door open. I turned and saw it was Father O'Brien. He said to me, "You have the gateway to Heaven between your legs." I gasped, but he went on, "I have the key to Heaven to open the gateway.", which he proceeded to do."

"THE BASTARD!" responded the Mother Superior, "He always told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing that trumpet  for years!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 19, 2009, 05:01:29 pm
Italians

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 19, 2009, 07:10:27 pm
CEO and Compensation...

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all it's slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is
full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I
make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery
 from Domino's. across the road , were on our lunch break....


_____________________________________________________________________________




NO Speak English

 
 
A Chinese woman married a Canadian guy and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.  

 One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to  put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and  lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.  

 Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her  breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

 On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

 
(Please scroll  down.)

 











What were you  
thinking?


dum dum,.,,,,,,Her husband speaks English   ...Remember??!!!!

 
I worry about you sometimes!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 20, 2009, 01:12:32 pm
Our English Language!!

Oh what a tangled language English is
And how easy it is to misconstrue…


A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'


She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.


'What was that for?' he asked.

She said'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'

Must Have Been Another One Of Those Blonde's Birds....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 20, 2009, 03:09:07 pm
TWO-LINE POEMS WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.
   
2. I see your face when I'm dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.
 
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you're not.
 
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
 
5. I thought that I could love no other,
    ---that is until I met your brother.
 
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty...and so is your head.
 
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace:
    But don't take the paper bag off of your face.
 
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies.
 
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe, "Go to hell".
 
10.What inspired this amorous rhyme?
     Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
The Blonde & The Heart Attack


A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting ....
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband ....

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her 4-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 20, 2009, 05:29:34 pm
Nuts!

A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs Smith appears.

"Good Day Mrs Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing" The woman says, "Oh just fine, Father, come on in and we'll have some tea."

While sitting at the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?", the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like".

After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visiting says to Mrs Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them next time I visit."

To which Mrs Smith replied, "Oh don't bother, Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 20, 2009, 07:15:30 pm
Love


 I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 21, 2009, 06:33:40 am
Catholic School Girls


A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls
and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the
pearly gates pass St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you
ever had contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well
I once touched with the tip of my finger...
" St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you
ever had contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the
rush?"

The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that
Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 21, 2009, 09:22:31 am
Something Nice For a Change.

Those who are near to me do not know that you are nearer to me than they are.
Those who speak to me do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words.
Those who crowd in my path do not know that I am walking alone with you.
Those who love me do not know that their love brings you to my heart.

Rabindranath Tagore


Some people need to realise there's a lot of beauty out there in this world, ....and should stop always looking in, and start looking out....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 21, 2009, 04:00:54 pm
In Case Of An Annoying Passenger Beside You On The Plane...

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven ;
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you. (http:// http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html  [/url)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bob on August 21, 2009, 06:58:48 pm
That last one will certainly get you escorted off the plane in handcuffs and put in a nice cell with a guy named Bubba !! LOL, At night time, remember to sleep with one eye open at all times,:icon_cheesygrin: LOL.

Wise man say, better to behave on plane ride to China, and sleep with beautiful wife, rather then sleep with Bubba. :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 21, 2009, 07:18:52 pm
Hahaha!!, it only takes a few seconds to eraise where you have been on the net.... it's then your word against his.... After all there was no big bang!! ..Was there??

He maybe the one escorted off the plane, probably in a straight jacket, still bubbling something about a bomb!! ...Maybe, there is a mad Bubba in the nut house, that'll bring this guy back to earth with a bump!!

I bet he'll be like a little mouse, the next time he takes a flight, .....to anywhere!! ..hahaha!!

David.....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on August 21, 2009, 07:35:13 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='13772' dateline='1250884854'

In Case Of An Annoying Passenger Beside You On The Plane...

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven ;
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.
 (http:// http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html  [/url)


Now that is too funny.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 21, 2009, 07:37:45 pm
Shaun,

I always strive to please!!

David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 21, 2009, 08:09:57 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='13742' dateline='1250860951'

Something Nice For a Change.

Those who are near to me do not know that you are nearer to me than they are.
Those who speak to me do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words.
Those who crowd in my path do not know that I am walking alone with you.
Those who love me do not know that their love brings you to my heart.

Rabindranath Tagore


Some people need to realise there's a lot of beauty out there in this world, ....and should stop always looking in, and start looking out....


OMG....now you try to tell us that you have a soft, emotional side :):):):):)
I for one, dont believe it (hahahaha)

David
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 21, 2009, 08:11:25 pm
Arsehole Sale


Peter & Lee were sitting down for a break in their newly fitted out shop in Birmingham waiting for the client to arrive and carry out the snagging.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'Rot you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ahhhh ...You doing velly well, onree two reft!'

Bloody smart some of these Japanese......
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 21, 2009, 08:12:17 pm
Quote from: 'shaun' pid='13795' dateline='1250897713'

Quote from: 'David5o' pid='13772' dateline='1250884854'

In Case Of An Annoying Passenger Beside You On The Plane...

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven ;
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.
 (http:// http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html  [/url)


Now that is too funny.


And close your eyes and wait for the Sky Marshall to shoot you in the head :):):)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 21, 2009, 08:18:52 pm
David E


OMG....now you try to tell us that you have a soft, emotional side
I for one, dont believe it (hahahaha)


It's ''TRUE''  honest mate, i maybe a hard nosed git at times, but i do have a soft centre!! Honest!!! lol!!

David.....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 22, 2009, 01:13:38 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='13807' dateline='1250900332'

David E


OMG....now you try to tell us that you have a soft, emotional side
I for one, dont believe it (hahahaha)


It's ''TRUE''  honest mate, i maybe a hard nosed git at times, but i do have a soft centre!! Honest!!! lol!!

David.....


mmmmm......I dont know how to blow a big raspberry by email :):):)

David.....no soft bits at all, is me :):):)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 22, 2009, 03:33:16 am
Dear, I'm going to make some breakfast now, can I get you some bacon and eggs.....or maybe a nice omelette ??
No thanks , love, it's this Viagra, it plays hell with my appetite, i'm not hungry


Dear, lunchtime...would you like a nice chicken salad, or maybe some pasta ??
No thanks, love, it's this Viagra, it plays hell with my appetite, i'm not hungry

Honey, its dinner time, can I get you a lovely steak and potatoes, with some home made apple pie ??
No thanks, love, it's this Viagra, it plays hell with my appetite, i'm not hungry



Then let me off the bed for God's sake...I.m bloody starving !!!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 22, 2009, 01:37:11 pm
HE ASKED FOR IT!


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'"

HE DID ASK FOR IT!!!.......
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 22, 2009, 03:11:26 pm
HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF



Four married guys go golfing During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 22, 2009, 08:56:23 pm
The bride tells her husband..................

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bob on August 23, 2009, 01:59:55 am
There's this couple sleeping in bed, suddenly they are awaken by a noise, the bedroom door swings open and it is a man with a knife! he tells the man to roll over onto his stomach and then ties his hands together, he then tells the same thing to the women, and then ties her hands together. The robber jumps onto the back of the female and kisses her neck and then whispers in her ear, suddenly the robber gets up and walks over to the bathroom, in the meantime the woman's husbands  turns to his wife and tells her " Honey, I think he wants to have sex, dear he looks very mean and probably just escaped from prison, he will kill us if you do not do what he wants, please be strong my dear and give him what he wants, perhaps after he will leave us alone, I love you" The wife turns and looks at her husband and says, "Dear, he whispered in my ear that likes you, and wondered if we have any Vaseline, I said yes we do, it is in the bathroom medicine cabinet, dear please be strong, i love you" :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 23, 2009, 10:43:07 am

Funny Store Signs


1.Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.

2.Outside a hotel: Help We need inn-experienced people.

3.On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes, Sit Stay

5.At the electric company: We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont you will be.

6.On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte.

7.In a restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

8.Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully, well wait.

10.In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional

And one from me, I saw it outside a bar in Limassol: BARMADE NEEDED.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 23, 2009, 12:45:10 pm
Honeymoon Sex Report (in association with British Airways)


A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." ....Poor Mom Fainted...
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 23, 2009, 05:01:21 pm
Aging Intelligence!!....



How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

5. Without using a calculator --
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 24, 2009, 12:44:49 pm
Obsessions


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers.

Mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."




______________________________________________________________________



He ad it coming!!!!!

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion



____________________________________________________________________________


A Convict Calls

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 24, 2009, 04:56:12 pm
The Why's of Men ..

As written by a woman, ...of course!!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN BEFORE WOMAN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it's never happened)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 25, 2009, 05:48:27 am
The Naked Truth


A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....        
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'  The huge man easily spins him=2 0around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a fortnight. I fart 10 times a day!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 25, 2009, 09:44:27 am
Swine flu up-date!!


I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu - I think he's just telling porkies!

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of ‘oinkment’.

 

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS ITS ONLY SPAM.



This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

 

 Swine flu however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway!

News Flash .... This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu.  Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamdemic, don't believe the spam you're getting.
_________________________________________________________________________________________




Colin


A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and
Flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
Stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.  

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
 
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.   How about half a million bucks then?'

'Nah, No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said “Nah.”


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?


   
Colin said,

'I want the white bastard here ...who pushed me in.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 25, 2009, 01:17:06 pm
If you think life is bad.....



How would you like to be an egg?



You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with at least 5 other guys

But worst of all..

the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a really good lay,

Oops....I mean day!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 25, 2009, 03:36:53 pm
 PINK  CURTAINS

      A blonde goes to  K-Mart to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains..'

      The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

      He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

      Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

      The salesman then asks what length curtains she needs.

      The blonde promptly replies, '33 centimetres.'

      'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for ?'

      The blonde says,  'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

      The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

      The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows.......'



______________________________________________________________________________



The British Solution to Saving Petrol

Prime Minister Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use......
 
The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel....
When they catch any illegal immigrants crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him off to Iraq .....
Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military....
Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.... .
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .... at our expense!!
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo......
Right!!, that's that Sorted, .... Problem solved!!!!!!

Next Problem, ...Please???
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 26, 2009, 09:38:25 am
Australian Police Entrance Test



An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Now, that's a Great attitude," says the Sergeant. ......"So When can you start mate???"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 26, 2009, 04:02:10 pm
A Question of Condoms

A father and his 10 year old son walk into a pharmacy. As they approach the register the son sees a stand with condoms and asks his father what they are for. Deciding to be honest to his son he tells him
"This is what men wear during sex."
"Ah yes, I think they told us something about this in school" replied the boy. He then went to the box that had 3 condoms and asked what they were for.
The father responded:
"This box is for high school students: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday"
"And the 6 pack" asked the young boy again
"That one is for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday" replied the father.
"And what about the 12 pack" asked the little boy.
"Well this is one is for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Buzz on August 26, 2009, 06:01:30 pm
In keeping with the current theme!!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.(This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff! the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products,that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
 
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
 
10.   Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
 
9.   Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
 
8.   Viagra, like a rock !
 ;
7.   Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
 
6    Viagra, Be all that you can be.
 
5.   Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
 
4.   Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
 
3.   Viagra, Home of the whopper!
 
2.   Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
 
And the unanimous number one slogan:




 
1.   This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 27, 2009, 09:13:36 am
The New Medical Alphabet!

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 27, 2009, 01:19:11 pm
How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.

Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it



_________________________________________________



I HOPE I m not pushing the envelope here.

Blondes and Biology


In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic....

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 28, 2009, 09:06:00 am
Steady Hand Required....

O.k. Guy's.....
Try this puzzle, its four levels of Maze's, and its harder than you think!!!!!.


http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf  (http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf )

Tip: Have your sound up, sound effects help you a bit. Good luck.
       It's the last level that foils you!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 28, 2009, 02:04:22 pm
Money Exchange!!

 had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to
exchange so I went to the currency exchange window
at the local bank...

Short line....just one guy in front of me...He was
an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller, "Why it change, yestowday I
get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy walking away angrily, ....says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 28, 2009, 03:10:21 pm
David your repeating jokes. Money exchange joke was a woman before. Same joke.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 28, 2009, 05:26:29 pm
An Arab and a Jewish Genie!!


An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And

he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampon.

The moral of the story is:

If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's always going to be a string attached somewhere.






Vince...

Sorry, it must of just slipped past me!!...haha!!

The truth is, i've posted so many, i can't remember now the ones i have, and haven't posted.....


David...
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on August 28, 2009, 05:54:54 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='14603' dateline='1251482662'
Money Exchange!!

 had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to
exchange so I went to the currency exchange window
at the local bank...

Short line....just one guy in front of me...He was
an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller, "Why it change, yestowday I
get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy walking away angrily, ....says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
ROFLMAO....hahahahahahahahaha
VERY GOOD MATE....Really thought that one was your best....hahahahaha
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Chong on August 29, 2009, 01:45:23 am
Just got this in an email ...

                               If a person has sex with a prostitute
against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

------------------------------------------------

                               Can you cry under water?

------------------------------------------------

                               How important does a person have to be
before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do you have to "put your two cents
in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra
penny going to?

------------------------------------------------

                               Once you're in heaven, do you get
stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

------------------------------------------------

                               What disease did cured ham actually have?

------------------------------------------------

                               How is it that we put man on the moon
before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
luggage?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why is it that people say they "slept
like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

------------------------------------------------

                               If a deaf person has to go to court,
is it still called a hearing?

------------------------------------------------
                               Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do people pay to go up tall
buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the
ground?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
                               They're going to see you naked anyway.

------------------------------------------------

                               Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do toasters always have a setting
that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
would eat?

------------------------------------------------

                               If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?

------------------------------------------------

                               Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive
in the carpool lane ?

------------------------------------------------

                               If the professor onGilligan's Island
can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why does Goofy stand erect
whilePlutoremains on all fours?
                               They're both dogs!

------------------------------------------------

                               If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to
buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

------------------------------------------------

                               If corn oil is made from corn, and
vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

------------------------------------------------

                               If electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons?

------------------------------------------------

                               Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,
Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why did you just try singing the two
songs above?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do they call it an asteroid when
it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in
your butt?

------------------------------------------------

                               Did you ever notice that when you blow
in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car
ride, he sticks his head out the window?

------------------------------------------------

                               Do you ever wonder why you gave me
your e-mail address in the first place?



                    Amazing Anagrams

                               This has got to be one of the cleverest
                               E-mails I've received in awhile.
                               Someone out there
                               must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
                               (Wait till you see the last one)!

                               PRESBYTERIAN:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               BEST IN PRAYER


                               ASTRONOMER:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               MOON STARER

                               DESPERATION:

                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               A ROPE ENDS IT

                               THE EYES:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               THEY SEE


                               GEORGE BUSH:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               HE BUGS GORE

                               THE MORSE CODE:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               HERE COME DOTS

                              DORMITORY:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               DIRTY ROOM

                               SLOT MACHINES:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               CASH LOST IN ME

                               ANIMOSITY:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               IS NO AMITY

                              ELECTION RESULTS:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

                               SNOOZE ALARMS:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

                               A DECIMAL POINT:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               I'M A DOT IN PLACE

                               THE EARTHQUAKES:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               THAT QUEER SHAKE

                                ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               TWELVE PLUS ONE


                               AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

                               MOTHER-IN-LAW:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               WOMAN HITLER
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 29, 2009, 10:48:59 am
Something to Offend Everyone!!?


A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was
Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man
to be called Winston!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ????
Everybody won.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and
asked if I could fly a plane......

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black
men'.. So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden
shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde
staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts
waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she
says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of
infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst
your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my
arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a
loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony
Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I
must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your
past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for
Wigan !'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the
string with a piece of tinsel ...... This is for the Christmas period only!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will
make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies .... 'You've got a bigger cock than your
brother'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 29, 2009, 12:09:09 pm
Stand Up Comedy Hecklers


for all those people who have seen stand up comedy they will know the brave fellows watching heckle the comedians. just want to know what the best heckle they have heard and the response.

my personal favourite was - get off the stage your a wanker, nobody likes you did you not learn that from school.

another from Jongleurs was - Woman : speak up please where cant hear you talking crap at the back
Comedian - i dont come to your work and tell you how to give blow jobs so please dont tell me how to do my job.

And here's some more examples,.....


Woman in audience - "Call that a haircut!?"
Comedian - "I suppose yours is? Is that peroxide blonde?"
Woman in audience - "Platinum."
Comedian - "Oh, I thought platinum was a precious metal, not a common one."


The greatest orator of the twentieth century imho Sir Winston

A woman to Churchill at a public meeting.
"Sir, if you were my husband i would cook your dinner with poision"
Chuchill replied ..."Madam, if i were your husband i'd eat it"

Another Churchill one:

A lady MP at a social function: "Winston, you are drunk and making a fool of yourself."
Winston: "Madam, you are fat and ugly, and I will be sober in the morning."



___________________________________________________________________________________

The Girl at work


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a real hard erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get one of those really strong  erections again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"Oh just Don't ask!!, .....I kicked her in the face!!!!!."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 29, 2009, 03:31:28 pm
The Milk Bath....

A milkman is about ready to deliver a half gallon bottle to a residence when he sees a note on the door saying, 'Leave me 16 gallons of milk, please'.

Curious, because the lady usually orders no more than half gallon, he knocks on the door. The lady answers and he says, "Do you really want 16 gallons of milk?"

She replies, "Yes I do. I'm going to take a milk bath later."

The milkman then says, "Well then, do you want it pasteurized?"

The lady replies, "No, just up to my tits will be fine."


____________________________________________________________________________



A Woman's Prayer.....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because Lord,
....if I pray for Strength, ....I'm going to beat him to death.



____________________________________________________________________________

                                                       And Finally....


Anagrams


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
---
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
---
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
---
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
---
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
---
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
---
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
---
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
---
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
---
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
---
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
---
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
---
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
---
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
---
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 30, 2009, 09:50:44 am
One liners!!

Why do women have small feet?
Obviously, ...So they can stand closer to the sink!

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


Finally


Anatomy Class, (a lesson for us all...)

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, slowly shook his head, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in, ...my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

No1 lesson to you ALL,  ...Learn to pay strict attention to the details!!!.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 30, 2009, 01:16:22 pm
Mongolian VD


An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! ....you Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 31, 2009, 08:51:40 am
Work vs Prison!!!



IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell .
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle .


IN PRISON...you get three meals a day .
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it .


IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior .
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior .


IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you .
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors For yourself .


IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games .
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games .


IN PRISON...you get your own toilet .
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat .


IN PRISON...they allow your family and fr iends to visit .
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone .


IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required .
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners .


IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens .
AT WORK...they are called managers .

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going off PRISON
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on August 31, 2009, 06:56:32 pm
Ha Ha!!


Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (since hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologise when obviously wrong and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!




_________________________________________________________________________




Garden of Eden

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.


God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.

multiple orgasm said God.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 01, 2009, 08:39:43 am
I Can't Bear It!!!


Frank got a new rifle for his b-day. He decided that he wanted to go bear hunting in Alaska with it.

Frank made it to Alaska and soon went hunting. He saw this huge brown bear in the distance, he drew his rifle up and shot the bear. Right after shooting the bear he felt a tap at his sholder, It was this Huge Black bear that said, Frank you have two choices here...either you can let me kill you for killing my friend or let me have sex with you. Frank thought about and decided to let the bear have his way with him. Frank came back home all tore up from the bear and recovered. During that time he decided that he would go back to Alaska to get revenge on that Black bear.

Frank returned to Alaska and found that very same black bear that had his way with him. He shot him and then all of a sudden he feels a taping at his sholder again. This time is a Kodak bear. The Kodak bear tells frank, well you have two options, have sex with me or let me tear you piece to piece. Well Frank, valuing his life, lets the bear have his way with him. Humiluated, frank returns home to nurse his wounds and swears to have revenge on that Kodak bear.

4 Months later Frank is in Alaska again. He spots the very same Kodak bear in the woods and shots him dead. Yet again he has a tap on his sholder, this time is a Polar Bear. The Polar says...Frank you dont really come here for the hunting at all, ...do you???



_________________________________________________________________


Things To Know To Make Your Life Complete!!!


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(So in there next life who wants to be a pig??)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death! .... (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a bloody pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know!!!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer??)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(So, ...What about that pig??)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ahkiwi on September 01, 2009, 10:02:31 am
Daddy, How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said  "Scroll down"

You'll love this
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤

'You have Male!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 01, 2009, 01:37:01 pm
Need Samples!!!

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."


____________________________________________________________________




Triplets.....

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk when she was shot in the stomach.
The Dr. said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.
It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that when she had a shit she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.
A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a piss she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.
All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me you went to toilet and found a bullet".
He then turned back and said "No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 01, 2009, 06:31:03 pm
Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Old, .....but still Gold!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 02, 2009, 11:06:42 am
The Emu


An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
___________________________________________________________________________




Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married
for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always
insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romant ic session, she turned
on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . . Now, .......you explain the kids.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 02, 2009, 02:03:00 pm
The Dentists!!....

A chap is in the dentists chair.
"Had a 69 before you came in ?" asks the dentist.
The dentists nurse starts giggling and the man with a bright red face watches as the dentist drops a hair he's removed from the mans mouth in the tray.
The bloke is glad when he's able to get out of the chair and goes out of the surgery with the nurses laughter ringing in his ears.
A month later he has to go back. ...As he's been active the night before he scrubs his teeth three times,then rinses his mouth out twice.Hed already bought four packets of chewing gum and has chewed his way through nearly all of them beofre his name is called in the waiting room.He pops the last piece in his mouth,frantically chews it, spits it into his hand and has a quick rub round his mouth with his finger before he opens the dentists door, walks in and sits in the chair. He opens his mouth wide as the dentist turns to look at him
The dentist smiles.  ..."Another 69 last night?"
"How could you know???" asks the man
"WHY!!!  ....Because you've got a ruddy great skid mark on your forehead Sir" replies the dentist.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 03, 2009, 07:53:26 am
The Brits on Holiday   – .......(Oh Dear!!)



This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."


"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

It's true what they say, These people actually ''live amongst us!!!!!''  What i want to know, how on earth did these people manage to get passports, surely they must be residing in the various nut houses around the UK.....???
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 03, 2009, 12:15:06 pm
Hitler's Reaction to the Oasis Split


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6IyGAvbOs4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6IyGAvbOs4)

_________________________________________________________________________




The Truck or the Girl?


 One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 03, 2009, 06:17:11 pm
You Know Your in Cyprus When............

1. A mercedes is not a private car, it's a Taxi.
2. Talking sounds just like arguing.
3. You walk around in jumpers when it’s like 26C....
4....but put your airconditioning to 16C and still find it hot.
5. Going to buy a newspaper needs at least a 10 minute make-up.
6. Not smoking is considered 'Totally Weird'.
7. Not eating meat is unthinkable.
8. You take a generator when camping (to supply your fridge, micro, TV!).
9. All men over 30 look 50.
10. You text message people sitting at the same table with you.
11. You text message whilst lifting weights.
12. Police park on the pavement..to book you for a parking offence.
13. It's truly a task telling the difference between a pimp and undercoverpolice.
14. The translation of 'thank you' is......... "thank you".
15. The translation of 'sorry' is......."sorry".
16. The first thing a police officer asks you is "what does your dad do?".
17. The messenger/clerk of a Ministry can get you a job!
18. Your next door neighbour cooks "souvla" all 52 Sundays of the year.
19. The pick-up truck in front of you has charcoal fuming at the back..getting it ready for the time it reaches the beach!
20. You call everyone "koumbare"('best man')...and they probably are...
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 04, 2009, 08:01:30 am
True Love...


Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "Well, ....I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can always go f**k herself!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 04, 2009, 01:04:09 pm
Pryers Female vs Male


FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
.
.
.
.
MALE PRAYER
God, I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with decent boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This may not
 rhyme but at the end of a day, who gives a s**t.



___________________________________________________________



Some NICE Valentine Mesages (...Well sort of anyway!!!)

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

I Thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Three parts vodka, one part lime......
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 04, 2009, 05:58:08 pm
Are You A 98% Or A 2%??

Note: This is really weird. At the end of this message, you are asked a
question. Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it. Just
say the first thing that pops into your mind. This is a fun "test"...
AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it
around and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same
percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among
the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish
taking the "test".
... Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. ... Do
not go to the next calculation before you have finished the
 
previous one. You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do
it using your mind. You'll be surprised.
Start:.....
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I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over! Come on, one
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... If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different, if not abnormal, mind
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bob on September 04, 2009, 06:58:03 pm
OMG That is so weird, that is exactly what I was thinking of,,a red hammer !
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 05, 2009, 08:47:43 am
Irish Men Flying....

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place. "He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"sod dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus
says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of
the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"


IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits on a rock and breaks his spine.Once more Paddy shakes
his head.
"sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting. And now Sean Og and his hengliding!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 05, 2009, 01:10:33 pm
If You Love Something...

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money,
and never appears to have noticed,
that you actually set it free in the first place,

You either married it or gave birth to it!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 05, 2009, 05:26:10 pm
____________________________________________________



What A Woman Wants in a Man!!...



Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Voiceroveip on September 06, 2009, 02:00:49 pm
Sorry this is translated so bear with me …

Once upon a time, there was this big department store where one could shop for a partner.
A woman arrives in the store to shop for a man and is greeted by a sales person. She explains that she can pick any man on the different floors of the shop and pay at checkout in the end. However, she can only visit the store once in her life so she should think well about her choice.
So the woman takes the escalator to the first floor, a sign says: "faithful men". Curious, she sees another escalator up and takes that one, the sign on the second floor says: "good looking faithful men".
Her excitement is beginning to rise and she takes another escalator to the third floor where the sign reads: "good looking faithful and romantic men".
She runs up the next escalator and the sign on the fourth floor says: "good looking romantic men, faithful and good lovers".
Now her excitement is at a climax, she rushes up yet another escalator only to find the fifth and last floor deserted.  A sign says: "this is the last floor, there are no men here". And of course no escalator downwards either.

A man arrives in the same store to shop for a woman, he is greeted by a sales person in the same way as the woman before.
On the first floor, the sign says "great looking women", he moves up one to the second floor and the sign there says: "Great looking women, great in bed and good cooks"
Nobody has ever been to the third floor in the men's section.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 06, 2009, 04:05:24 pm
Test for Dementia


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are.




Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)






First Question:




You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


Scroll Down












Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.









Second Question:






If you overtake the last person, then you are...?












Answer:If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?




Third Question:


Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.





Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?



Scroll down for answer.










Did you get 5000?











The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't! believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?











Answer:Nunu?








NO!Of course not.
Her name is Mary.Read the question again







Okay, now the bonus round:


There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.




Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?









He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 07, 2009, 05:51:42 am
__________________________________________________




King Arthur and Sir Lancelot

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princesses, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch she would, henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

"Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself".

"Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

"Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

Hahaha, ....If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get very UGLY, and for YOU too!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on September 07, 2009, 09:26:50 am
On the way to the football, Man decided to pop into the pub for a quick beer or two.

Whilst there he bought a raffle ticket and was surprised and pleased to find that he had won first prize....which was a very large, live Goose.

Thinking he would take it home after the footie and kill and clean it up and cook it for dinner, he tucked it under his arm and went to the ticket office and bought his ticket for the footie.
On arriving at the gate, the Security guard told him he could not bring the goose into the football ground because all animals were not allowed in.

Not wanting to lose the goose, or forfeit his ticket which he already paid for, he nipped down a laneway and stuffed the goose down his trousers, went back to the gate and was let into the footie ground where he went to his seat.

he sat down next to two old Ladies and watched the football.

After about 20 minutes, the goose got very restless and short of air and managed to work its head out through the Guys zip.

Little old Lady sitting next to him saw what was happening and with wide eyes leaned over to her friend next to her and said.." Ethel, you must see this.....this Guy next to me is exposing himself...I can see his penis. To which her friend Ethel responded in a bored voice..."so what, I'm not interested in that, at our age its not important....seen one, seen 'em all"

Her friend responded........"yes I know, but you never before seen one like this..........it's just eaten half my bag of potatoe crisps "!!!!

DavidE
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on September 07, 2009, 08:03:22 pm
A Scotsman in  skirt (sorry...Kilt) was approached by some young Ladies who asked

" Is it true about what Scotsmen keep up their Kilts ???"

He replied..." Put your hand up and check for yourself'

She did just that and said

 "oooooh....its gruesome !!!!"

To which said Scotsman replied......

"Do it again...its grew-some more " !!!!!!!

DavidE
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on September 08, 2009, 03:24:53 am
Notice tto all Employees...new Training Incentives

Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.l.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.l.T. than any one else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.

As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don’t take S.H.l.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemental program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to take S.H.I.T. anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or training position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or training other to take S.H.I.T. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those of you who become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.l.P.S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please direct them to:

HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.

(H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

 

 

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training

(BIG SHIT)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 08, 2009, 09:13:02 am
DOGS


Top ten things dogs hate about humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. HELLO, ...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo what a proud moment, for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. And hey!! ....sometimes I smell fish.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello , Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just dam right jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your bloody shit do you??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 08, 2009, 01:10:58 pm
The Anti-British Sign ?


SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Glamorgan, South Wales .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, you may say.

'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'


Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

God Bless The Welsh
_____________________________________________________________



Obsessions.....


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers.

Mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 08, 2009, 07:11:11 pm
Optical Illusions

Looking for a crazy optical illusion... this is sure one of the craziest we've seen. Totally straight lines, but it sure looks like this wacky checkerboard is bulging right off the screen. If you don't believe it, just hold a peice of paper up to test the straightness of all the lines.


http://www.coolopticalillusions.com/crazy/images/free_optical_illusion_bulgi.gif (http://www.coolopticalillusions.com/crazy/images/free_optical_illusion_bulgi.gif)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 09, 2009, 11:53:03 am
Smile ......you miserable lot




(http://www.postimage.org/aV18NqJr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


My guess is: The man is saying, or thinking.......

"Core!!!!!! If this fence wasn't in the way, I'd stick one right in your box hedge........


I think i posted this before.... but the picture got lost .....from the original posting
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 09, 2009, 02:24:56 pm
The Traveling Public!!!


> Can you believe??? :A Washington, DC, airport
> ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

> 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
> her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

>2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown, I
> started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then
> she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
> Capetown is in Massachusetts."
> Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod
> is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa "Her response - click.

>3 A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
>did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

>4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
>England from Canada?"
> I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG,
> again!)

>5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car
> in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
> layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
> said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
> between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

>6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
> possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at
> 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
> she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
> the plane went fast, and she bought that.

>7 A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
>description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
> I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in
> with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
> overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a
> minute while I looked into it (I couldnt stop laughing), I came back and
> explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal ), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

>8.. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
> going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
> California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>
> 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
> do I know which plane to get on?"
> I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my
> flight number is 823, but none of thes e planes have numbers on them."
>
>10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida
>. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
> I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. On a commuter plane. She
> said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
>
> 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
> needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
> passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
> been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
> I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a Visa. When I told
> him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time
> they have accepted my American Express!"
>
>12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go
>from Chicago to Rhino, New York."I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Y es, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! " So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."



______________________________________________



More about swine fever and our Friends...

(http://www.postimage.org/Pq10qCj0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq10qCj0)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 09, 2009, 04:37:08 pm
The New Bride


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom.

'How can that be possible if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me..
'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .
'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ...
God I miss him.
'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?
To which she replied,
'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT' . ..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 09, 2009, 06:44:06 pm
Enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived all those God dammed bitches.'


_________________________________________



Plastic Surgery


A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and explained that certain parts of her lower regions had become loose and flabby.
The surgeon said he could sort this out for her no problem.
Obviously being very embarrassed in what she had to have done, she asked if they could keep it between themselves to which he agreed.
On awakening from the operation, she noticed 3 red roses next to her bed so when the surgeon came into her room she was not pleased.
"You promised this would be between us, who are the roses from?" said the woman
''Don't be alarmed, said the surgeon,''one is from myself as I performed the operation and was pleased it went well, another is from the nurse who assisted me during the operation''
''And the third?'' she asked,
''Oh that's from the gentleman in ward 5 who has thanked you
for his new ears''.






Apple does it again....

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained

about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them


___________________________________________________




The law of laws

.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering...are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go,... there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible... if you don't know what you are talking about.  

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 09, 2009, 08:34:47 pm
Trouble and strife


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that dammed bed, you dammed chicken."


___________________________________________________


Handsome Man

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 10, 2009, 10:44:39 am
ResimaY

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a reporter but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in adv anse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN nikname Beefy

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.









(http://www.postimage.org/aV19_GLr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV19_GLr)




Employer's response:...



Dear Beefy-I mean Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check. You're hired.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on September 10, 2009, 11:07:17 am
I had almost the same joke/email with the name like peggy or candy and of course extremely busted girl.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 10, 2009, 02:27:25 pm
Jobs in Britain

Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Britain.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank
you Mr. British man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing,
free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social
monetary benefits!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Polish.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!'

The person says, 'I not British, I am from Croatia.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Iran, I am not British!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an British?'
She says, 'No, I am from Latvia!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?'

The Latvian lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work'



____________________________________________________



Womans and Man's Perfect Day!!


The Woman's Perfect Day

08:15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 - Weigh-in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 - Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
09:15 - Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 - Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 -Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 - Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 - Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22lbs
13:00 - Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
15:00 - Nap
16:00 - 3 dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
16:15 - Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 - Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
19:30 - Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
22:00 - Hot shower - alone
22:50 - Carried to bed, freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
23:00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 - Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

A Man's Perfect Day

06:00 - Alarm
06:15 - Blow job
06:30 - Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
07:00 - Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
07:30 - Limo arrives
07:45 - Several beers en route to the airport
09:15 - Flight in personal Lear jet
09:30 - Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
09:45 - Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 - Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 - Blow job
12:30 - Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 - Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
14:30 - Fly to Bahamas
15:30 - Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
16:30 - Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
17:00 - Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
18:45 - Shit, shower and shave
19:00 - Watch news - Michael Jackson assassinated
19:30 - Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
21:30 - Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
23:00 - Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
23:30 - Night-cap blow job
23:45 - In bed alone
23:50 - A 22-second fart that changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
23:51 - Laugh yourself to sleep


_______________________________________________________


My Local


So, ....Drinks down my local friday night Guys??


(http://www.postimage.org/aV16JOeA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV16JOeA)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 10, 2009, 04:44:33 pm
Bulls and Cows

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50
times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.


My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Look, ..Just go over and ask him if it was always
with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and they say
I should eventually make a full recovery. .....but it's true though isn't it,
What i said!!!!


_____________________________________________________



Should Children Witness Childbirth?

 Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
 House was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
 To hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
 Helped deliver the baby.
 
 
 Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
 Pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
 Lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
 Began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
 Asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
 Witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
 There in the first place......smack him again



________________________________________________________



Little Johnny....

 The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's been drinking."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 10, 2009, 06:22:07 pm
Are they Rich, ...or just lucky buggers???


Now, This guy just has to be super rich, ...RIGHT???

(http://www.postimage.org/Pq2ePXhi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)



WOW!! ...look at those ears man, this guy could actually fly if he could flap them fast enough. Then look at the bugle (nose) ...greedy bugger, wants twice as much air cause it's free!! How the heel can he focus on anything he looks at with eyes as crossed as he's??

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1ctyWS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1ctyWS)


Do you have to be a millionaire to buy one of those little guys???

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1cu1SA.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)




These may have been posted sometime in the past, but the pictures were lost... now there back here. ...lol!!
_____________________________




Would you play Twister with this Guy???


(http://www.postimage.org/aV1nstSr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1nstSr)

Think i'll pass on that offer thanks!!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 10, 2009, 08:55:44 pm
An 18 Year Old Italian Girl


An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You better dammed well try again Lad!!!."


____________________________



One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'


The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'



_______________________________


So you Think You are having a Bad Day!!!


(http://www.postimage.org/PqC2bw9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 11, 2009, 05:53:03 am
Bike Ad

(http://www.postimage.org/aVU12Y9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

Does this ring any past and distant bells to anyone here ???  hahaha!!




____________________________________________________



Try This...

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/ (http://www.dothetest.co.uk/)




____________________________________________________




Great Truths...


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 11, 2009, 08:51:13 am
The Nymphomaniac


A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said.

'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.



______________________________________________________


Black Panties!


Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: ' What's with the black condom?

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 11, 2009, 01:31:23 pm
2 Irishmen and a Blonde


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.

Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the feckin length."




___________________________________________________




WHO IS JACK SCHITT?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt



Some of their distant relatives published books.

The world is better than me- by I.M.Schitt
I am better than you- by U.R.Schitt
Cheap diet with junk food-by N.E Schitt
Then there was the one that failed his exams and got kicked out of school -- Dummas Schitt


____________________________________________________
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 11, 2009, 05:30:17 pm
Bollards

These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on
the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .
They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
?How long do you think it will be before they realise that they can't go home?
?This is a real and genuine photograph...!


(http://www.postimage.org/aV1JKQ0J.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)



_________________________________________________




(http://www.postimage.org/aV1zDjdJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/aV1zDvHr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx1LrYiJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1JBrAA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)



(http://www.postimage.org/aV1zDqI9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1zDqI9)


And a couple of others thrown in for good measure .....

(http://www.postimage.org/gx1nvYf9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)



(http://www.postimage.org/aV1z6BWi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1z6BWi)
(http://www.postimage.org/PqAMEyA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Never complain about public transport again!!!.

(http://www.postimage.org/aVHAoS9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
(http://www.postimage.org/gxoedL9.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 11, 2009, 06:30:50 pm
If u can't take it .... do not look !!!!!



(http://www.postimage.org/gxaH7p0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

Is this how you wear your kilt Rob??.... in the traditional manner ..haha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on September 11, 2009, 06:40:30 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='16312' dateline='1252708250'
If u can't take it .... do not look !!!!!



(http://www.postimage.org/gxaH7p0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

Is this how you wear your kilt Rob??.... in the traditional manner ..haha!!

And the reason the white boots are on..... IS so you don't see they have danddruff...hahahaha
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 11, 2009, 07:04:19 pm
Religions of the World...

Taosim: Shit happens.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturday.

Protestantism: Shit wont happen if I work harder.

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Jahovas Witness: Knock, knock....Shit happens....

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama ding dong.

Atheism: No shit.

Evangelism: Send more shit.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!!

Orthodoxism: Buy one shit , get one shit free

Mormons: Have loads of underage wives, lots of shit happens.

Shiites: Enough said!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 11, 2009, 08:55:26 pm
Some Cartoons For You Read......



(http://www.postimage.org/aV1lOZQr.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)



(http://www.postimage.org/aV26J2I9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/aV1de4hJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1de4hJ)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx1mItXr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)



Funny Pictures

(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1B6ZDJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx1nzwK0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx1nzwK0)


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq2iuiqi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2iuiqi)


(http://www.postimage.org/aV1ArnWA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 12, 2009, 06:34:59 am
If Men were left to raise the Kids by themselves...!!!


Potty training? Who needs it?

(http://www.postimage.org/aV2x1Imi.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx2RNrP0.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

Bath time would be more fun!

(http://www.postimage.org/gx2RMYTi.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

Kids would be more able to express their emotions!

(http://www.postimage.org/gx2RMOUJ.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

Work would get done more efficiently...

(http://www.postimage.org/gx2RMitS.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

boys would read more!!
(http://www.postimage.org/gx2RLKyS.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/aV2x2sL0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV2x2sL0)

______________________________



HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN OUR BEER IS COOL ENOUGH?



WE HARDLY EVER GET IT RIGHT !!!


But now the ultimate method to determine whether
a beer is cool enough, or not, has been discovered! !


THE METHOD


(http://www.postimage.org/aV2u3oGr.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV2u3oGr)



By applying the new method, we can clearly see that the left beer is cool enough, but the right isn't......................



(http://www.postimage.org/gx2Ogd89.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx2Ogd89)

PROOF!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on September 12, 2009, 07:19:53 am
Hhhhhhmmmmmm...LUNCH:icon_biggrin::icon_biggrin::angel:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 12, 2009, 05:08:27 pm
For Cat Lovers

New Recruit

You are listening to Stevie Wonder -(Your first day at work and all is fine and great)

(http://www.postimage.org/aV2exU8r.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

A couple of months into the job

You are listening to HOUSE music - (After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you coming or going anymore) Your team is understaffed and your boss needs more more more

(http://www.postimage.org/aV2eyd5A.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

You are listening to Metal - The days blur into each other

(http://www.postimage.org/gx2wnwXS.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

You are listening to Hip Hop - (You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation)

(http://www.postimage.org/Pq21zi_S.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

A year in

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP - (After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine!!)
(http://www.postimage.org/gx2wohlA.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

And Finally you have been here a year
You are listening to Techno and have gone a bit doolaly
(http://www.postimage.org/Pq21zAsS.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

Which stage are you at?


(http://www.postimage.org/aV2eDGji.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)

This persons been promoted so he's Rockin' ....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 12, 2009, 07:10:18 pm
Near Death Experience!!!


Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!



_______________________________________




Life in the 1500's!


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying .. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer..

Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 12, 2009, 09:14:03 pm
Dilemma


Its old but good

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see
three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

(scroll down)















This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application.


You could pick up the old lady because she is injured and will die,
and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would
be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you
may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let
him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think
outside of the box.'

HOWEVER



The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, sh4g the perfect
partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with
the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 13, 2009, 08:11:33 am
Penniless Vicar

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Jaguar every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '' don't worry about it '', ....''Fuck the Vicar'.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Sylvain D on September 13, 2009, 10:04:47 am
Sorry, it's not a text, but a video...
But very hilarious one ^^'

Have a look :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT86iWiH2mI
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on September 13, 2009, 11:15:06 am
Das? ist gut ya? ...............LOL:icon_biggrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 13, 2009, 12:20:06 pm
Some funny Cyprus audio clips ......



Costas's chop pan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tlNUa8O7DQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tlNUa8O7DQ)

Batiha- The Watermelon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpUyZTNS0yA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpUyZTNS0yA)
Baklava -Traditional sliced Sweet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Hj4-_H36Dk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Hj4-_H36Dk)


__________________________________________




Mexican smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"


Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 13, 2009, 02:03:49 pm
Old Folk....

After examining his elderly patient, the doctor asked the man, You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?
In fact, I do, said the old man. After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and
sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.



_______________________________________________


50 Years Ago....


An elderly couple were sitting at their kitchen table
on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

'You know' she said, 'We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.'

'Yeah' he said, 'But we were probably naked.'

'So let's get naked now' she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes
and sat across from each other.

'You know' she said smiling lovingly
'My nipples feel just as hot, Looking at you today
as they did 50 years ago.'

He replied 'I'm sure they are .........
one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.




______________________________________________




Name That Animal, ....Kids!!!!


Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A Horny Bitch!!!" cried out Eddie.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 13, 2009, 03:59:03 pm
Government Health Warning....


(http://www.postimage.org/aVVMXvA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


Don't Swallow BUBBLE GUM!!!
_______________________________________________


Two Aussies

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first with an annoyed look on his face, ..and says, "That's real nice going mate! ,Now we're going to have to piss in the bloody boat."


________________________________________________



Had to Hurt!!.....


A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise For answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a praise.''

Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."

She continued  "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move Caused him terrible pain''. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation.

They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and Wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued  "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to Say

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said" Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife .....ONCE AGAIN   ...the   ...word    ...is    ......STERNUM."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 13, 2009, 07:21:54 pm
The Growler...

A posh Scotsman is riding on a train across from a busty blonde in a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the posh Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough, the growler blows him a kiss.

Completely absorbed, he inquires what else the growler can do. "I can also make it wink, " says the woman. The posh Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The posh Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Totally Stunned, The posh Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"


________________________________________________



Boob Job

A wife asks her husband if she could spend £8,000 on a boob job?

"No need to spend all that money i know a way with loo paper".

"How?" she asks

"Well!" he says, "you get at least 2 squares fold them in half and then rub it between your cleavage at least once every day, it might take some time but i'll work."

"Dont be stupid! That will never work!" She says.

"Sure it will, look what its done to your f**king arse"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 14, 2009, 08:03:46 am
BARBER SHOP

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "ROUND TO YOUR HOUSE!"



_______________________________________________



Paddy my Friend


One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.
"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said. "Except you're cat. It's dead"!

"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!

"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.

"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree in your garden, and refuses to come down"!




_______________________________________________


Young Couple


A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, Prayers, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. Until one afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'And now, ...We're not welcome at The Superhome Centre either.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 14, 2009, 07:27:25 pm
Technical Support Problems.....


Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, whichI had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Your advice please?
__________________________________________________



Life And A Can Of Beer


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar were full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar were full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar were full. The students responded with an unanimous yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else were lost, and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised his hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on September 17, 2009, 05:39:18 am
Here's one for Rob !!!

LONDON  LAWYER              V             GLASGOW COP      


A  London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow  copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.

 He decides to prove this to himself and have some  fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration,  please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What  for?'

Glasgow cop says,  'Ye   didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'  

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one  was coming.'

Glasgow cop says,  'Ye   still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and   registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's  the difference?'

Glasgow cop says,  'The  difference is,  ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London  Lawyer says,  'If you can show me the legal difference between  slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you  give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and  don't give me the  ticket.'

Glasgow cop says,  'Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.  

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the  f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae  ye  want me to stop,  or just slow doon?'  

DavidE
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 17, 2009, 08:40:35 am
CHEESE

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Chicken Sandwich: $2.15
Ham Sandwich: $1.75
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Side Services
Hand Job: $ 10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, 'I am."

Replies the man, Well, then, wash your bloody hands because I want a
CHEESE SANDWICH!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 18, 2009, 11:28:43 am
Holy Prostitutes


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 KILOMETRES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 KILOMETRES

Suddenly he begins to realise that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! My son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE MY SON, FOR.....YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.

THIS SERVES YOU RIGHT MY SON, FOR YOU ART A SINNER!!

________________________________________________


This Was Sent To Me Today........

Shhhhhh!!.......
Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....
...And you're gonna love it...........
........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and screw you big time.....

Lots of love,

Petrol prices xx  :angel:

Ain't that the truth too!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 20, 2009, 01:02:41 pm
Jokes Of The Day!!!


The rich lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
“I wanna watch.”


_________________________________________________



A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."


________________________________________________



One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a Gynecologist ........"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 20, 2009, 02:41:48 pm
Lady Golfer!!



A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his prick was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Oh yes, ...That's when, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 20, 2009, 05:04:34 pm
The Burial....


An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Jewsih man go to the burial of their old friend Ivan.

The Englishman stands over the grave and says: 'I owed Ivan $20' and threw the money in the grave.

The Scotsman stands over the grave and says: 'I owed Ivan $50' and threw the money in the grave.

The Jewish man says 'I owed Ivan $30. So he writes a cheque for $100 and throws it in the grave, then takes out the $70 as change'


________________________________________________________



An Atheist in the Woods


An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
A 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!".
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well", said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."



_______________________________________________________



Good service....


Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant... That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what," we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 20, 2009, 07:12:34 pm
A Bit of FUN At Cyprus's Expense ...lol!!


http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Cyprus (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Cyprus)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 21, 2009, 11:55:06 am
There's A Moral Here!!...




In 1923, Who Was:


1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

ANSWERS

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide

However,
in that same year,
1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of
the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.


The Moral:






Phuck work.
Play golf.




_____________________________________________________



THE THREE LITTLE PIGS


This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .....'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



________________________________________________________



The Priest's Smut!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, 'I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!'

'What did you do?' the other nuns asked.

'Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.'

The second nun said, 'Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.'

'Oh my,' gasped the other nuns.

'What did you do?' they asked.

'I poked holes in all of them,' she replied.

The third nun said, 'Ohhhh  Shittttt !!!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 21, 2009, 04:13:52 pm
Just a Few!!!!...


Andrew Lloyd Webber walks into Burger King and says "Give me two whoppers". The server says "you are really good looking and your musicals are fucking brilliant".


I've found out that if you run out of KY jelly and are really desperate, foreplay will work too.


Isn't it ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?


Isn't it ironic that disabled toilets are the only ones big enough to run round in?


Prince Philip and the Queen were dining at a top London restaurant. Philip orders - "two very rare steaks, good fellow".
The waiter replies "Does his royal highness mean two bloody steaks?".
Philip replies "Yes, good chap, two bloody steaks"

The Queen pipes up "and plenty of fucking chips too"



_________________________________________________________


A Plane Journey.........

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


_______________________________________________________


A Touching African Story


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

I guess it Probably wasn't the same elephant then!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 22, 2009, 04:10:00 pm
A funny video called, ...The Horny Skeleton!!




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBmfMkFECa4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBmfMkFECa4)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on September 22, 2009, 05:20:26 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='17590' dateline='1253650200'

A funny video called, ...The Horny Skeleton!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBmfMkFECa4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBmfMkFECa4)


FWIW, Whenever I tried to access YouTube in my Shenzhen hotel,  my system simply froze. ( I understand that Youtube access is restricted in most of China.)
So when there is something I want my lovely lady to enjoy, I download it (DwHelper) and convert it to AVI or WMV and then send it to her as an EMAIL attachement  :idea:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 22, 2009, 05:30:56 pm
David K,

I take it your going to download this one, convert it and send it on to her too??  ...hahaha!!


David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: wilsbrough on September 22, 2009, 06:31:36 pm
Due to the water shortage in Ireland, the Dublin public swimming pool has announced it will be closing lanes 5 and 6 until further notice....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on September 22, 2009, 07:40:14 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='17596' dateline='1253655056'

David K,
 I take it your going to download this one, convert it and send it        on    to her too??  ...hahaha!!
David....
[/i]

Likely not.
She shows a distinct preference to the fully fleshed version

:icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 23, 2009, 04:09:41 pm
Never Piss Off A Nurse!!.....

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but
finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and
announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't
use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the
thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you
stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under
his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Of course sir, but Never with a Carnation."

___________________________________________________



NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up'

' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?'

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box'


Footnote: Nothing will bite unless you get your tackle out!! :icon_rolleyes:  :huh:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 24, 2009, 09:46:47 am
Mother And Her Little Girl.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied,’ it’s not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'


Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex..'



________________________________________________________-



A Brave Englishman


An Englishman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the Englishman offered.

"Once, on holidays in Cyprus I went for a walk down bar street in Paphos,

I came across a gang of Pontians, who were threatening a young tourist girl.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed

Pontian and smacked him in his face, kicked him in the nuts,

ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the

lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed,



"When did this happen?"



"Just a couple minutes ago..."


____________________________________________________



Every-, Some-, Any-, and Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could ...


_________________________________________________
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 24, 2009, 01:44:44 pm
Computers.....

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Voiceroveip on September 24, 2009, 02:54:42 pm
Quote

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............


That's the best one ... :D
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 24, 2009, 04:47:44 pm
ART HISTORIANS NOTE!!!


(http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/4541/php7eboon.th.png)


The statue of David has returned to Italy, its home country after a two year exhibition in the United States.


[attachment=763]  Click to make full size
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on September 24, 2009, 11:06:54 pm
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands, in the middle of South Pacific, the following folk are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, we report the following :

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

:icon_biggrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 25, 2009, 07:05:45 am
Sperm Count


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at
the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this.
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied, Yep. None of us could get this darned jar to open."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 25, 2009, 09:02:31 am
Genie from Sveeden


Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in
his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says,-

"Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun
vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears
back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for
his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million
ducks...flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.-

"Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, -

"Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew
really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 25, 2009, 04:30:52 pm
Your Gonna Be Sorry You Read This!!!



A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of th! e car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says..


(Are you ready for this?)


(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!!!

(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

______________________________________________


Three Minute Management Lesson


Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, high up.
____________________________________

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Management Lesson
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
___________________________________

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



This ends your three minute management course


_____________________________________________



What Starts With F And Ends With K?


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 26, 2009, 12:23:26 pm
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids..
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough...
-- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

_______________________________________________________



A Safety Issue


How to hold on while the train is in motion in order to avoid falling.















[attachment=764]


I am referring to the older gentleman by the door!!!    But you knew that.....RIGHT??!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 26, 2009, 03:30:10 pm
THIS IS NOT A JOKE....




A  DOCTOR  FRIEND  FORWARDED  THIS  TO  ME....SO IT MUST  BE  TRUE


 Simple advice about aspirin

 

 

  Good information in here.
 

  If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, ...take  it at night.
  The reason: aspirin has a 24-hour "half-life". therefore, if most
  heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning,
  the aspirin would be strongest in your system.
 
  2. FYI, aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest.. years.
  (when it gets old, it smells like vinegar.)
 
  please read on.
 
  WHY ASPIRIN BY YOUR BED
  save lives ....
 
  It is important to always have ASPIRIN in the home!!!
 
  Why have Aspirin by your bedside ?
 
  ABOUT HEART ATTACKS
 
  There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the
  pain on the left
  arm.
 
  One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and
  lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.
 
  NOTE : There may be no pain in the chest during an heart
  attack.
 
  The majority of people (about 60%) who had an heart attack
  during their sleep, did not wake up.. However, if it occurs, the chest
  pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.
 
  If that happens, IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVE TWO ASPIRINS IN
  YOUR MOUTH
and swallow them with a bit of water.
 
  Afterwards, phone a neighbour or a family member who lives
  very close by and state "HEART ATTACK!!!"
  and that you have taken 2 ASPIRINS
 
  Take a seat on a chair or sofa and wait for their arrival
  and ....
 
  DO NOT LIE DOWN !!!
 
  A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after
  receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably a life can be saved!
 
  I have already shared the information!!! What about you? Forward this message
  : IT MAY SAVE LIVES !!!
 

 

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning
to dance in the  rain.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 26, 2009, 06:40:11 pm
Real posted Adverts. .....They really do, live among us!!
 
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 26, 2009, 09:58:26 pm
The Story of Adam  & Eve's Pets  . . .

   Adam and Eve said , 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore.

We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it  came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and  said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.

They strut and preen like peacocks and  they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly  improved.

And God was pleased. . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .



And Cat didn't give a fuck one way or other....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on September 27, 2009, 02:45:57 am
Ok, here goe's to upload a movie your gonna love.  You must use REAL PLAYER to view it. It's a free download at realplayer.com but I am sure you probably have it.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 27, 2009, 08:42:29 am
3 Men and a River!


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please
give me the strength to cross the river'

Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof!.......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.




'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 27, 2009, 01:21:37 pm
SMART ARSED ANSWERS

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you
like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub.'


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read
'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it...
Cars are backed up for miles...
Finally, a police car comes up...
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
The driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

BEST SMART ARSE'D ANSWER
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 27, 2009, 08:00:02 pm
Socrates

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.

"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 28, 2009, 06:20:58 am
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal;
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate,
Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate
than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you
don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.


LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE
WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING
PAN BY NOW.


LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 29, 2009, 08:41:32 am
RELAXATION TIME


Face Memory Test


This test will determine if you're getting enough sleep or if your mind has really lost it!   The test consists of three parts:

You'll be shown 12 photos in the first part,

You'll be shown another 12 photos in the second part,
You'll be shown 48 photos in the third part and asked if you saw them in the first part, the second part - or never saw them at all.

When you have finished the third part, your results will be given to you.
 
Click on the below link to begin.  (And no, nothing is going to jump out and scare your pants off!  I promise!)




http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/instructions_1.shtml (http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/instructions_1.shtml)


OK, ....THIS LINK NOW WORKS!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Voiceroveip on September 29, 2009, 03:18:53 pm
David, the link is dead ... :huh:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 29, 2009, 06:33:00 pm
Weddings & Funerals


I used to to hate weddings, all the old aunts would poke me and say "YOUR NEXT " they soon stopped that when i started doing the same thing to them at funerals!!.....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 30, 2009, 07:21:19 am
Patent Application



So I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 30, 2009, 02:39:24 pm
Positive Gardener


Just back from a trip abroad, the landlord rings up the gardener from the airport:
- So, everythings well at home ?
- Well almost, the shovel handle has got broken and I am fixing it.
- Why was it broken ?
- I must have too much strained it while digging a grave for your dog.
- Whaat ?? My dog died ?
- Yes, unfortunately he fell into the outdoor pool.
- But he was a very skilled swimmer, how could he possibly drown in the pool ?
- He didn’t drown, he plunged into the empty pool.
- But, we recently had it filled up, why did you empty the water ?
- The firemen needed water trying to hose down the fire..
- Whaat ? A fire broke out in my house ??
- Well, possibly one of the visitors neglecting to put out his smoke..You see last week many people came over to offer their condolences over your father’s sudden death.
- My God ! My father died ?? But he was quite up and well two weeks ago ?
- Well, I mean...he had a stroke when he caught your wife in a bed with another man..
- Damn ! For God’s sake, man don’t you ever have something positive to tell me ??
- Of course Sir...I was coming to that, you remember this HIV (AIDS) tests you had sometime ago? Well, the results just came in from the lab... all positive..
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 30, 2009, 05:05:43 pm
So That's When The Fight Started....



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started....



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I; sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since..'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror..
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
In stead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed h imself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few mi nutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different an ticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied,

'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.. So I suggested,

"How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said,

"Then I'd like to phone a friend ."

And that's when the fight started....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on September 30, 2009, 08:05:05 pm
Some Adult Only Fun Pix And Catoons....



(http://www.postimage.org/gx5CzvA.gif) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx5D9VJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx5C_X9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx5C_X9)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx5DcpS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx5Dhp9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gx5DrnJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gxV8OfJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/gxVjifA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: MLM on October 01, 2009, 07:44:20 am
Just a thought, has any one heard or seen hide or hair of Okie_Rob? :huh:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 01, 2009, 08:43:34 am
_____________________________________________

Brainy stuff?!!?!?


Count Every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

Really, now go Back and Try to find the actual ''6'' F's that are in this sentance!!!!



 Brain Stuff  ....From Cambridge University .


Only 60% of people can read this..... CAN YOU??
 
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was so ipmorantt! Wlel, i spusope it is for the oethr 40% of peploe ......



________________________________________________




Talking Dogs?


A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

That kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Who would ever have believed it!!!  ''I can't really imply that Lawyers are devious now can I?!!"

Well, not until I've consulted my lawyer anyway!!!!!...haha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 01, 2009, 04:44:38 pm
Drink-dry cleaning


"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk man.
"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off."

"Just gimme another drink."

"O.K. I''ll make a deal with you. I''ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you''re done or not you have to go."

"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy''s shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?"

He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell yeah, ...the bastarrrrd shit in my pants, too!!!!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 01, 2009, 06:26:00 pm
Great Cypriot Sex


The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (goose fat).

We made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter.

We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'

The Cypriot man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love and she screamed for over 3 hours!'
The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 3 hours?'

The Cypriot man said, 'Well, .....I wiped my hands on the bedspread!'


___________________________________________



Thought For the Day !!!


Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 02, 2009, 05:49:44 am
Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.


Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite
sweets............M&M's.



What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being twelve again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my
dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man IS  listening, he is still gonna get it
WRONG!!!!.



Hmmmmm!! ...Sounds like a fat 12 year old then!!!


___________________________________________________
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 02, 2009, 04:11:02 pm
Rectum Stretcher...



While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work "Oh yea said the cop. What do you do? "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher! ! ? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face... PRICELESS
___________________________________________________



Friday Night Joke!!!


A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't
know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told
the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked
up the intercom and said...

'  'One box of medium-sized condoms, and a Mop and bucket, to Till 5'

_____________
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 02, 2009, 05:17:47 pm
________________________________________________________________



The Pharmacist And The Boy....


virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.
 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.
 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.
 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.
 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 03, 2009, 07:41:11 am
_____


Little Ralphy's World!!...


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ' Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,''I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f**kin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says,'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**kin' beautiful!''



LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching! on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f**kin' business.'


That's Little RALPHY For You, ....personally if he was mine, i'd throttle him!!!  lol!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 03, 2009, 09:15:15 am
You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!!


ONE/   Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets



TWO/   I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. A fter the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE/   A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'



FOUR/   I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'



FIVE/   Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.



SIX/   I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.



SEVEN/   My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'



EIGHT/   Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE/   A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!



Life is tough. And It get's even tougher when you're stupid!!! And YES!! They Do Walk Among Us!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 05, 2009, 09:11:57 pm
Banks!!!!


I'm told, ....This is an article that first appeared in Punch magazine in 1957... it appears little or Nothing has changed between then and now.


Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same £100 isn't it?

A: Yes, but...

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?

A: Theoretically...

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that...

Q: When I lend them my £100 why don't I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?

A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

A. YOU GOT IT!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 06, 2009, 09:07:05 am
The Rules - The Mans Version!!!


The Mans' Rules - At last a man has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the mans' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'The Rules' From the 'female side'.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,! Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby , football information,or golf

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Here's another two, .... tho' not related:

"New Barbie on the market. Comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm. It's called Zimbarbie! She does however have a pet cow - Mooogabee!'

Great News... Apple have come out with the I-tit

A microchip is inserted in the woman's breast with a 8gb drive, music Mp3's radio all inclusive

Now they cant complain that all we do is look but never listen!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 06, 2009, 01:23:21 pm
No Money For Underware!!!


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her
ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some
underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket andsays,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,
is
naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae
affarrd any."

Murdo reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'O decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a
bit."



_____________________________________________



 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:



1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 06, 2009, 05:03:20 pm
Do You See It???


(http://www.postimage.org/aV1K80PS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)



This is just Really clever!!!

_______________________________________-



Best Features!!!!


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his     mailbox.
 
 While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
 The mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
 
 nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
 
 contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
 
 "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."
 

 He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
 
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
Ears."
 
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
And solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the > best part of my body is my ears?"


Clearing his throat, he stammered .. "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming, ..... Well, That Was Me!!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on October 06, 2009, 09:57:37 pm
Scottish-Rob is going to teach english to chinese.  It's one thing to hear a chinese try to speak english, another totally to hear him try to speak english with a scottish brogg.  To get the real hang of this, as I was kidding with Rob. I happen to watch a DVD last night entitled The Best of Benny Hill.  If you cannot think of how this would sound, you ought to see Benny Hill as a chinaman talking with the scottish immagration guy...it is too much to handle.  I laughed so hard when I saw this I fell out of my chair.  You got to see this.  Good luck Rob in your english classes....LOL LOL
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 07, 2009, 09:33:44 am
New Job....


A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.

'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That's about 120 miles from here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'

'No sir - That's where the end of the line is right now...!!!!'



____________________________________________


Small Head and a Fishy Tale!!!


A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few
stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head
was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can't
help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but
your head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'll
tell you." The drink was bought and the story began.

"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the
only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a
few miles away. I had been there for several months and was
sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to
come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a
mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and
informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3
wishes.

"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with her
tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her
tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished
fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it
just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said
"Well, how about a little head then?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 08, 2009, 05:06:54 pm
20 Lashes....

An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

Sorry to the Frenchmen here, ....but i didn't write the joke!!  lol!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Buzz on October 10, 2009, 10:51:38 pm
THE POTTY:

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE
TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ON TO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH
HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL
RIGHT?YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.
BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST
HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW
MORE MINUTES.BUT,  BILLY,  WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"




 
BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is very funny.  Turn up the sound and have a good old fashion laugh.

 
 
A New Form Of Candid Camera

 http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on October 12, 2009, 11:48:40 pm
NOT knowing where to post this information, I figure this place gets read the most, so hear goes.  While listening to PBS "PUBLIC BROADCASTING SERVICE" today, I heard on the news that the Chinese are taking lessons from the mexicans, the chinese are sneaking or going into mexico, they they get coyotes "human guides" to sneek them into the US.  So far hundreds of chinese have been busted by the border patrol sneeking into the US with mexicans.  If this keeps up, there will be no reason to go to chnlove, instead you just have to take a trip to mexico......:dodgy:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 13, 2009, 04:08:32 am
Quote from: 'rockycoon' pid='19888' dateline='1255405720'

NOT knowing where to post this information, I figure this place gets read the most, so hear goes.  While listening to PBS "PUBLIC BROADCASTING SERVICE" today, I heard on the news that the Chinese are taking lessons from the mexicans, the chinese are sneaking or going into mexico, they they get coyotes "human guides" to sneek them into the US.  So far hundreds of chinese have been busted by the border patrol sneeking into the US with mexicans.  If this keeps up, there will be no reason to go to chnlove, instead you just have to take a trip to mexico......:dodgy:


Hey now that is an idea.  I know how to get around down there and it is really cheap to stay there.  I grew up in one of the border cities.  Since a lot of the manufacturing facilities from America it shouldn't be hard to find work over there. Hmmmmm........... :icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 13, 2009, 06:51:19 pm
The Pasta Diet and Your Health


ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on October 13, 2009, 10:40:47 pm
shawn, let me know when your ready to sneek across the border and I'll hook you up with a good coyote.  He is cheap and reliable.  ten thousand illegal mexicans can't be wrong....:icon_cheesygrin:   Do you speak spanish?  Hope you don't have claustrphobia, cause those car trunks are getting smaller....LOL
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on October 14, 2009, 12:24:55 am
Gynecologist's Assistant
 
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
 
The clerk pulled up the file and read;  "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."  "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT,  that's about 550 miles from here."  
 
"Good grief, is that where the job is?" 

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on October 14, 2009, 01:00:25 am
Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='20038' dateline='1255494295'

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.


Good grief. someone in Kansas City had the same problem an hour and a half ago but the line was only back to Wichita then and it was only 175 miles long.  I guess they'll have a tedious interview process.:angel:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on October 14, 2009, 01:04:22 am
Quote from: 'David S' pid='20042' dateline='1255496425'

Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='20038' dateline='1255494295'

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.


Good grief. an hour and a half ago someone sent me this same story and the line was only back to Wichita then it it was only 175 miles long.  I guess they'll have a tedious interview process.:angel:


Depends on where in line you are when you email it? I guess. It's cold out here tonight. :icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on October 15, 2009, 12:20:59 am
David are you holding that screw gun, and wire with a hard hat on, to try and make us think you work for a living....LOL

On the otherhand a chinese girl could see that picture and invite you over to fix her backed up sink.....:icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on October 15, 2009, 12:45:09 am
Quote from: 'rockycoon' pid='20143' dateline='1255580459'

David are you holding that screw gun, and wire with a hard hat on, to try and make us think you work for a living....LOL



Hey, it seems to work for my boss.  At least he keeps signing the pay checks any way. ROFLMAO!!:angel:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on October 15, 2009, 01:52:55 am
Why do we let our verbs hang out with prepositions? They have such a bad influence on them. Take the infinitive “to Knock” for example, it gives us the happy feeling that a friend as it the door. But let it hang out with some prepositions and we get negative connotations. EG: knocked out, knocked over, knocked around, or even knocked up.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 15, 2009, 08:25:35 am
Questions



Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
_________________________________________________-




Who Wears The Pants?

A young couple gets married and on the first night the husband, a big man takes off his trousers and throws them to his wife and says, "Put these on".
She puts them on and says "Heh, I can't wear these, they are too big for me" to which he replies "That's right!" and "Don't forget it - I'm the man who wears the trousers in this family"
With that young wife takes off her knickers and says, "Try these on".
He only gets as far as putting them over one knee to find he cannot fit into them and says "Hell - I can't get into your knickers" to which she responds "Yes and you Bloody well won't either, ...unless your goddamn attitude changes''


__________________________________________________



Drink


A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that
one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll be going home!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 15, 2009, 07:28:07 pm
Quote from: 'rockycoon' pid='20028' dateline='1255488047'

shawn, let me know when your ready to sneek across the border and I'll hook you up with a good coyote.  He is cheap and reliable.  ten thousand illegal mexicans can't be wrong....:icon_cheesygrin:   Do you speak spanish?  Hope you don't have claustrphobia, cause those car trunks are getting smaller....LOL


Rocky,

I don't think it is a problem getting into Mexico just getting out.  It is getting them into America that is the problem unless you know where the checkpoints are.

I grew up in a town mentioned in a 70's song where the first line is, "up in the west Texas town of _________________. "  Name that town and the song writer.

Second.  Jackie Chan was in a movie and his character name was Jen Wen.  What was the American pronunciation of that name and what city did the American name almost buy property in?

I do speak muy pocito Spanish and I am quite familiar with moving illegals across the border.  Since the statute of limitations has run out I will tell you my name in Mexico; it is Sr. Pene Grande. :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cool:

No fair using google translate.

Shaun
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on October 15, 2009, 10:02:42 pm
Ok the town was El-paso senor, And I am know as EL verga Grande, but I am looking for is a senorita with a penche panocha. But not one with a fuche capesta....LOL  
no fair using google....he he

There once was a man from Leeds (england) who swallowed a packet of seeds...
now his hairy old ass is covered in grass and he can't sit down because of the weeds......snicker
You finish this one....

Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to....(you fill in this area)......:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Another fill in.....

Here I sit, all sweaty and dirty ...................4:30

figure that one out....:icon_cheesygrin::huh:
By the way the singer was Marty Robbins......yah got me on Jen-Wen....:-/
Chinese are easy to smuggle, you can fit 5 chinamen to a trunk that only holds two mexicans and stash the 6th one under the hood.....
:icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on October 16, 2009, 12:25:36 am
Quote from: 'shaun' pid='20236' dateline='1255649287'

I do speak muy pocito Spanish and I am quite familiar with moving illegals across the border.  Since the statute of limitations has run out I will tell you my name in Mexico; it is Sr. Pene Grande.


Being the statute of limitations has run out on my old life too. I will tell of my Mexican name... it was El Kabong. :icon_biggrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 16, 2009, 05:07:18 am
Ah, El Kabong, I remember you.  So this why you are able to get mucho viagra so easy.   I don't know whether to send a hitman to you are buy more Pfizer stock. :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on October 16, 2009, 08:09:53 am
I'll do the thinning around here Bobalouie!  :fi_lone_ranger:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on October 16, 2009, 10:12:25 pm
By more stock.....:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 16, 2009, 11:48:10 pm
Done!!!!!! :icon_cheesygrin:

The only problem is they wanted to give Viagra for dividends.  I said no, they said sell them to Willy.  How did they know that I know Willy? :dodgy:

This world seems to be getting smaller.

Shaun
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on October 16, 2009, 11:56:36 pm
Quote from: 'shaun' pid='20377' dateline='1255751290'

Done!!!!!! :icon_cheesygrin:

The only problem is they wanted to give Viagra for dividends.  I said no, they said sell them to Willy.  How did they know that I know Willy?


They meant the WVT on the NY stock exchange. Willy's Viagra Trade
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 17, 2009, 05:50:14 am
WVT, ...??  Sounds more like an American TV or Radio station to me!!  haha!!

David...

__________________________________________




Senior Dating!


Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.


Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.


Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy,

I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying dear, .....best wear an old dress.'


____________________________________________________




Daft Rhymes


Jack and Jll went up the hill, they planned to do some kissin'
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her arse, and now his front teeth are missin!!'

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,  ...between two chunks of bread.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 17, 2009, 08:34:10 am
Married 50 Years



On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished.'


_____________________________________________




Dont Make A Woman Mad!!!


Click on the smaller photo's to enlarge!!

(http://www.postimage.org/gxGLrUA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxGLrUA)


(http://www.postimage.org/gxGM2jJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxGM2jJ)


(http://www.postimage.org/aVAq9SJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVAq9SJ)

(http://www.postimage.org/gxGMDJS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxGMDJS)


(http://www.postimage.org/gxGMQcA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxGMQcA)

(http://www.postimage.org/gxGNKzS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://www.postimage.org/Pq1hRgTS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://www.postimage.org/gxGSMm0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 17, 2009, 01:48:02 pm
My Date

I took the girl from the local Chinese take-away out the other night.

We went to see a lovely movie then back to my place.

After a couple of drinks we moved on to the bedroom and started to get hot and steamy.

She whispered in my ear that she would do whatever my heart desired.

I whispered back lets start with a 69

F**k Off she said I ain't cooking at this time of the night!!!!

_______________________________________________




Unforgetable Moments.....

Last night after great sex my Thai girlfriend layed there smiling and stroking my manhood...
"Do you want more sex?" I said
"No" she responded......
"I'm just admiring your penis...... I really missing mine!!!!!"


______________________________________________



Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh WOW!! Really!!, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on October 18, 2009, 12:11:40 am
[my-youtube width=425 height=344]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfluMF-_X8E[/my-youtube]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 18, 2009, 07:59:43 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='20400' dateline='1255782850'

Click on the smaller photo's to enlarge!!

(http://www.postimage.org/gxGLrUA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxGLrUA)



If this would have been a woman ho did this there would be a pick ax in the seat where his crotch would normally be.  All of the other ax's would have been there trying to hit the same spot again. :icon_cheesygrin:

David S,

The goldfish one?  LAMO  Priceless.

It reminds me of an old British joke about a child talking about he dog named Porky.  David5o  do you know it?

Shaun
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 18, 2009, 08:52:42 am
A Rubber Stamp We all Need!

(http://www.postimage.org/aV1vxf4i.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1vxf4i)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 21, 2009, 05:42:52 pm
NOT A GOOD DAY FOR A SATURATION DIVER !!!!!


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.




Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature..
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 21, 2009, 07:35:16 pm
Females Should Avoid a Girls Night Out After Being Married!


A story said by a married lady:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times..

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning when my husband asked me what time had I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said,''Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted''
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on October 22, 2009, 04:40:56 pm
Don't mess with Supergran!

[my-youtube width=425 height=344]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr8KrF8vNPM[/my-youtube]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 23, 2009, 11:44:36 am
PRICELESS!!!!!!
 


A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

 

 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
 

 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
 

 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, 'I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 24, 2009, 04:07:14 pm
Philosophies


§  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
 of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck
 off and leave me alone.
 
§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
 broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
 
§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
 So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper,
 that's the time to do it.
 
§ Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you
 aren't getting any.
 
§ Don't aspire to become
 irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
 
§ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
 
§ Never forget that you are unique,
 like everyone else.
 
§ Never test the depth of the water
 with both feet.
 
§ If you think nobody cares whether
 you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
 
§ Before you judge someone, you should
 walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a
 mile away and you have their shoes.
 
§ If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
 
§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
 Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
 day.
 
§ Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen
 that person again? It was probably worth it.
 
§ If you tell the truth, you don't have to
 remember anything.
 
§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the
 windscreens.
 
§ Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
 
§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience
 comes from bad judgment.
 
§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold
 it in half and put it back in your pocket.
 
§ A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
§ There are two theories about how to win an
argument with a woman. Neither one works.
 
§ Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if
 your lips are moving.
 
§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
 Experience is something you don't get until just
 after you need it.
 
§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and
 we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse  
 
§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we
 have not laughed.
 
Remember not to forget, ...that which you do not need to know.


_______________________________________________________



Swearing At Work!!!


Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible..
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues....
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank you,

Human Resources
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on October 28, 2009, 06:30:46 pm
Marooned



A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.




I didn't see this one coming











So, they buried Susie.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Buzz on October 30, 2009, 06:10:06 pm
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet..

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 02, 2009, 11:48:20 am
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids..
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough...
-- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Buzz on November 02, 2009, 12:28:49 pm
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!' The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a

Beep, beep, beep












The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known saying, expression or proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the phrase.  It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.  

Don't change horses until they stop running.
Strike while the bug is close.
It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of termites.
You can lead a horse to water but How?
Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
No news is impossible
A miss is as good as a Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new Math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
Love all, trust Me.
The pen is mightier than the pigs.
An idle mind is the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's pollution.
Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
A penny saved is not much.
Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 06, 2009, 06:53:37 am
Questions You Just Can't Answer!!!?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 14, 2009, 03:36:55 pm
The Queen and Dolly Parton Go To Heaven......


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ''but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are''.



____________________________________________


Little Johnny....


Little Johnny runs into his parents room to find his Dad on top of his Mum. He is horrified.

His dad turns around and looks at Johnny...laughs...and tells him to get out.

The next day the Dad hears strange sounds coming from Little Johnny's room.

He goes in and is horrified to find Johnny on top of his Grandma.

Little Johnny turns around and says:

"Not so funny when it's your Mum is it''!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on November 18, 2009, 03:48:55 pm
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

John's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find John sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see- through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "do whatever you want."

Here I am.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 20, 2009, 02:26:51 pm
Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.  

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam  law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali,  Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz,  Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam  !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 21, 2009, 09:42:31 am
ONE FOR SCOTTISH ROB!!

A Caledonian Christmas


(http://s4.postimage.org/LDxC0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVLDxC0)

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and ......they're paying their ''own'' way!!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 22, 2009, 09:05:42 am
Work Out your Age By Chocolate?




YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH


Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
 
This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 
  You should have a three digit number




The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).




The next two numbers are ''YOUR AGE!!! ..... (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)''


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK!!!!  

__________________________________________________



Come To Work Happy!


An innovative way to ensure your employees (especially the senior ones) continue coming to work looking just as happy even during the current severe global economic crisis amidst pay cuts and reduced fringe benefits.....


http://f261.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f793225%5fAJC2ktkAAGJISwjH8Au20RC05Uo&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://f261.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f793225%5fAJC2ktkAAGJISwjH8Au20RC05Uo&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 22, 2009, 09:13:18 am
Come to work Happy!

An innovative way to ensure your employees (especially the senior ones) continue coming to work looking just as happy even during the current severe global economic crisis amidst pay cuts and reduced fringe benefits.....


http://f261.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f793225%5fAJC2ktkAAGJISwjH8Au20RC05Uo&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://f261.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f793225%5fAJC2ktkAAGJISwjH8Au20RC05Uo&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 25, 2009, 01:04:18 pm
Daddy's Phone Call OMG!!!.....


**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**  

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
 
**After a brief pause,**

 **Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
 
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

 Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

 **'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****  

*****Longer Pause*****

 *****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool?  .....................**
**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........I thought you sounded a little different to daddy!!!**

**Ooooooooooops!!!! Sorry!!
The Secret To Long Life!!...

[attachment=1071]



A doctor on his morning walk, noticed this very old lady,
sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
 
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.  "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food, no vegetables.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
 
"WOW!!That is absolutely amazing! Just how old are you?"
"Thirty-eight," she replied.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 27, 2009, 11:18:46 am
A Brain Teaser....


My friend sent this to me but I was not smart enough to figure it out. Perhaps, you can do better. I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer.

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.  

1)  Banana
2)  Dresser
3)  Grammar
4 ) Potato
5)  Revive
6)  Uneven
7)  Assess

.
.
.
.
.    
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
 
 .
 .
 
 .

Give it another try.   Look at each word carefully.
 
(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)


This Is Cool.
 
 
 

Answer:   No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.    

 

Answer:




In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

I Wonder HOW MANY Of You Worked It OUT Correctly???
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 27, 2009, 12:20:11 pm
________________________________________


Million $ Questions.....
 

1/
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scenery even if there is Restricted access!!!!

 
2/
Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the  Needy, ....not the Greedy!!!...


3/
New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women.


 
4/
Q:Why is $ex like shaving?
A:Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it all over again...


5/
Q:  What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A:  Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


 
6/
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% of boys are Right handed!!!.


7/
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it's SHOWTIME!!!!


 
8/
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later


9/
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.

They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.

They do not swell, and there is no Wedding Bell!


10/
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.
 
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of that Bloody Apple....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 28, 2009, 01:39:00 pm
The Massage....

Why she changed hotels !

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now
how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
__________________________________________


So how bad is traditional British Achitechrure???   ..lol!!




(http://s3.postimage.org/1tNnm0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq1tNnm0)

Click to enlarge
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on November 29, 2009, 08:59:16 am
The Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent whining, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "Oh Shit,  ...He's Just Found a Bomb!!!!."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on December 03, 2009, 06:06:44 pm
ADAM- of Genisis in the Bible fame ...

Q:  Why was ADAM a BAPTIST??

A:  Because only a BAPTIST would stand in front of a naked woman and be more interested in a piece of fruit  :icon_biggrin:  [attachment=1108]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on December 03, 2009, 06:12:37 pm
If Adam and Eve where chinese they would have eaten the snake first ??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 07, 2009, 04:26:58 pm
Camilla's New Shoes

Camilla bought shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter as the day went on.
After the festivities were over, Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling,
ones feet are killing one.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. Harder?' 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!' Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove
the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said "once a navy boy always a navy boy"



____________________________________________


Halloween For Dogs

Click on the pics to enlarge

(http://s1.postimage.org/1F5d4S.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx1F5d4S)


(http://s3.postimage.org/1nByar.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq1nByar)

(http://s4.postimage.org/16f2FA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV16f2FA)


(http://s2.postimage.org/5ES9i.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Ts5ES9i)


(http://s4.postimage.org/16lxK0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV16lxK0)


(http://s1.postimage.org/1Fecii.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx1Fecii)



(http://s4.postimage.org/16mW20.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV16mW20)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on December 09, 2009, 09:45:05 pm
I had to share this. He had it up only a couple of days. To many complaints and a few accidents in front of his home, some people attempted to fix the ladder and climb up to rescue. Click on the pic to see in full.

 [attachment=1144]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on December 09, 2009, 09:50:52 pm
That was excellent Vince, but try this one.  I call it "The brothers in china" or for you star-trek fans.... FIRST CONTACT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrf_1DEoF20

Or should I rename it Willy in china....

You'll laugh until you pee on this one.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJv9Ou0PaZw
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 13, 2009, 07:01:11 pm
"THE BLONDE AND THE COW"


A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 wooden post just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me
lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail
for?'  

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'  

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile. )
__________________________________________

6 Reasons Not To Mess With Children.

(1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell ?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters ?'

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet ?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 16, 2009, 01:25:12 pm
CIRCUMCISED


 For all of you with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally...


 'Circumcised'  (this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.


  She went back to find out what was going on.


  He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.


  The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.


  He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.


  Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.


  She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.


  'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.


  'I did,' he said, And she told me that ....''if I could stick it out till noon, then she'd come and pick me up from school''.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 16, 2009, 03:02:28 pm
Dating In The 1960's

 

 
 It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.


He arrived at her house and rang the bell.


'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she
welcomed Fred in.


'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'


'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
Mom brought the iced tea.


'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
she asked.


'Oh, probably catch a movie,
and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'


'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.


'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.


'Oh yes,' the mother continued,
'When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'


'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'


'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began
thinking about alternate plans for the evening.


A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs
looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and
a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back
in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.


'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.


Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue
burst into the house and slammed the
front door behind her.


'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to
her mother in the kitchen. 'The effing dance i like is called the Twist !!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 18, 2009, 06:04:33 pm
Preferences (A little rude...)

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Bob replied that
he had a particular fondness for neatly trimmed fannies.

He was sternly informed, ...that this wasn't an option when choosing
a KFC Bargain Bucket.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 18, 2009, 08:24:13 pm
Wine or Water?? .... or in my case Tequila =)

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting..

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit!.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on December 18, 2009, 10:06:18 pm
so i guess we just need to drink up for our health lol  thanks
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on December 18, 2009, 11:15:47 pm
Not to mention wine is good for your health and heart, so if you want to live longer and keep the heart beating...get blasted on wine....hic-up...10,000 wino's can't be wrong....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 19, 2009, 11:12:13 am
Buying A Cake At Asda


READ PARAGRAPH FIRST

You couldn't make it up!!
Okay, so this is how this conversation went:

Asda Employee: 'Hello 'dis Asda, how can I help you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a leaving party this week.'
Asda Employee: 'What you want on 'da cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.


Now look at the Dam picture.

(http://s3.postimage.org/uVkj9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)[/u]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 19, 2009, 12:43:49 pm
Six Affairs


 The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying b#$%$#@d!
You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into
his briefcase, and took it home

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'is Schwartz  dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No, ' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, now just rest and let the poison work.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 19, 2009, 02:47:33 pm
Lessons in Life


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything.

She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with Big Tits!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 19, 2009, 05:15:02 pm
Morals

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: ''If you are not well informed in your job, you will probably miss those great opportunities that come all too infrequently in our working life''.
____________________________________


Someone Else Has Shot That....:o

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"My Point Exactly," replies the Doc.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on December 20, 2009, 12:25:30 am
Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='11707' dateline='1249744164'

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.


man who look at pie instead of waitress getting old.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 20, 2009, 12:29:01 pm
Important Things To Know

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!
_______________________________________



How to get rid of the Wife Quickly..!!!!!!


(http://s4.postimage.org/mtO5i.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVmtO5i)


(http://s3.postimage.org/1m_a_0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq1m_a_0)


I think this guy was just a little upset ...don't you??
So he decided to flog her off, ....but cheap!! just like she is!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on December 21, 2009, 03:36:24 am
She is UGLY and this is really funny....ha ha ha
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 21, 2009, 11:28:09 am
Amazing Home Remedies


 1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.



2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.



3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.



4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.



5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.



6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.



7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.



8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.



9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
___________________________________________




Why Sentence Structure Is Important
 


 The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'Cause I feel like s**t this morning'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 21, 2009, 05:09:48 pm
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
_____________________________________________

Ralph's Surgery...

.When Ralph the Newfoundlander first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and, even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

''Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you are gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you????"
____________________________________________



Black panties!


Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: ' What's with the black condom?

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on December 21, 2009, 05:35:09 pm
There was a lady of the night standing on the corner. When a large gust of wind blew up her short skirt reveling everything.  A couple of guy's acrosss the street, could not help noticing this and one remarked, wow did you see her black panties? The other guy, said no, that was hair and a lot of it. Back and forth they argued about wether it was panties or hair. Finally they agreed to go across the street and ask this lady wether it was hair or panties. Upon crossing the street they finally walked up to her and ask her are those panties or hair?  The lady of the night looked at them and replied, your both wrong, those are fly's.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 21, 2009, 06:35:47 pm
Blow-Job Survey


5000 men surveyed were asked why they liked blowjobs

1% liked warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked eroticism
94% just liked the peace and quiet

WOW!!!.... You know that's true too!!! I'll have to remember that one....  hahaha!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 22, 2009, 03:15:09 pm
Solving Midlife Crisis!


After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,
'Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

'Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.'

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed..............

I shut up and took out the trash...

Aren't women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 23, 2009, 06:25:11 pm
Thomas the Tank Engine.....


 A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."
__________________________________________


100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on December 23, 2009, 11:53:26 pm
Here is a good one that should make you homesick for China real fast,
pay attention shaun and willy.......LOL LOL    enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlbMCZbSLoI

If it does not take you there, copy it down and go there. you'll love it. I think Ive seen her on CHN....ha here is another you can emf....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76jEO7XvG6A
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on December 24, 2009, 08:35:49 am
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid, then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 24, 2009, 12:13:15 pm
Stavros Flatley, ......the greatest Cypriot Dance Duo!!!



You must watch this, even that miserable *********** Simon Cowell liked it


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg)


If you like that one there are at least 2 more clips on UTube to watch!!
                                  "Long Live Cyprus"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 24, 2009, 07:35:22 pm
Million $ Questions.....

 
1/ Signboard outside a prostitute's house:

Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the Greedy!!!...


2/ New AIDS awareness slogan:

Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women.
 
3/ Why is $ex like shaving?

Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it all over again...


Some Qestions and Answers
 
1/ Q: Why are condoms transparent?


A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scenery even if there is Restricted access!!!!
 
 
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?

A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


 
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?

A: Bcoz 90% of boys are Right handed!!!.


Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?


A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!!!!


 
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?

A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later


My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.
 
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of that Bloody Apple....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on December 24, 2009, 11:41:05 pm
Quote from: 'rockycoon' pid='25987' dateline='1261286730'

Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='11707' dateline='1249744164'

Confucius Says:



You forgot - Confucius says: Man who walk sideways through airport is going to Bangcock
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on December 25, 2009, 12:13:33 am
Quote from: 'Rhonald' pid='26396' dateline='1261716065'

Quote from: 'rockycoon' pid='25987' dateline='1261286730'

Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='11707' dateline='1249744164'

Confucius Says:



You forgot - Confucius says: Man who walk sideways through airport is going to Bangcock

Not unless he is taking Viagra.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 25, 2009, 11:08:20 am
In the words of Tommy Cooper!


For those that are not aware of Tommy Cooper, he was one of the better true comeadians from Britain. With the ability to have an audience in fits before he even reached the stage. The Brits here will probably appreciate these joke more, because they will be hearing his voice as there reading them, and seeing the mannerisms that went with his act.....


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought an airticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 26, 2009, 09:28:11 am
The law of laws

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering...are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go,... there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible... if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 26, 2009, 02:08:25 pm
Viagra.


 An old man walked into a chemist shop and asked for six Viagra tablets,

He asked the chemist to cut each tablet into four pieces.

" If I do that sir" said the chemist, "I am afraid you will not experience much of an erection".

"Oh, that's alright" replied the old man, "I am 96 years old and am not really concerned about a full erection''.........'' just as long as it pokes out enough to prevent me pissing on my slippers!!!".



___________________________________________________________________


A Christmas Turkey


A guy goes into the butchers and asks for a fresh Norfolk turkey. The assistant produces a nice bird and the guy sticks his finger up it's rear, smells it and says. "This is NOT a Norfolk bird, it must be a Norfolk turkey." The assistant apologizes and gets another. Same routine, finger..smell..not from Norfolk. The assistant tries twice more with the same result as the turkeys are all sold without wrapping, hanging in the traditional way. The fifth time, the guy says. "At last! a fresh Norfolk turkey, about time..you must be new here, where do you come from?" The pissed off assistant drops his pants, turns his arse to the guy and says. "You're the f****n' expert..you tell me!"


____________________________________________________________________________


The Most functional of English words......


Well, the first one's it's ''Shit'' ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are tim es when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not,  if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day...
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 27, 2009, 01:59:42 pm
Vodka - Redbull Christmas Pudding Recipe


Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda flour
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of lemon juice
4 large eggs
Some nuts
1 bottle Vodka
1 can of Red bull
2 cups of dried fruit

Method:
Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull & drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it’s best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK. Flavour with red bull to taste. Try another cup…. just in case turn off the mixerer.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuckin the cup of dried fruit.

Pick fruit off floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a screwscriver.

Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity - flavour with a little Bed Rull.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.

Pick up the can, mop the floor.

Check the vodka.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or whatever you can find.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on December 31, 2009, 09:50:57 am
Things to Ponder



Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards:

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1
enjoys it?


23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 02, 2010, 10:09:40 am
Sex During Breakfast!


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never ever be able to show my face in our local McDonald's again, thay's for damn sure!!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 02, 2010, 04:13:19 pm
A Frenchman, An American, And A Brit

A Frenchman, an American, and a Brit were all busy getting drunk in Saudi Arabia when the cops burst in. They were soon sentanced to death (Alcohol is forbidden in Saudi Arabia), but through good lawyers, the three men were able to reduce their sentance to life. But, as luck would have it, it was a Saudi holiday, so the judge said, "Because it's a holiday you will each recieve 20 floggs and be let go. It is customary to grant one wish before punishment. The American thinks and says, "Strap a pillow on my back." they do, but it only holds for 10 floggs. The Frenchman sees this, and requests two pillows on his back. These only hold for 15 floggs. The judge turns to the Englishman and says "Because you are from such a respectable country, you get 2 wishes." The Englishman replies, "I wish to be flogged 100 times, not 20." The judge thinks this is very honerable and asks "And your second?" The Englishman answers "Strap the Frenchman to my back."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on January 08, 2010, 04:37:54 pm
[]NEW "TIGER BY THE TAIL" SONG (FOR TIGER WOODS) ... now this is funny ... he he

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_yr1nn_Tqo
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 09, 2010, 01:09:56 pm
The Redneck



A guy is walking along a dirt road when he stumbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO You pillock" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 09, 2010, 07:02:38 pm
Scousers!


A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?' 'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a prostitute and your dad were a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

_________________________________________

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.

_________________________________________

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until Suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

_________________________________________

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on January 09, 2010, 11:07:01 pm
Those are funny! :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 10, 2010, 01:25:45 pm
GUT'S OR BALLS?


There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS
- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?''

BALLS
- Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both have ultimately the same dire results....

Question is, on several occasions, I have mentioned her broom and flying off somewhere..... do I have balls or guts??
Some would say, it all depends if you were wearing an American footballers outfit at the time, if yes, ....you have guts!!  If not... then you definitely have balls my friend!!!


This is more like a Death wish, ....than having Guts or Balls!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 11, 2010, 12:40:20 pm
Liverpool Ladies



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from America, and
bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and
all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.


The third man said that he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day most of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to
make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 11, 2010, 03:43:43 pm
Blonde Paint Job


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "Oh!!, And by the way mister," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

" Now there's one clever Blonde, ...She sure knows her cars "
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 11, 2010, 07:13:30 pm
What does your name say about you...?


The Men's Names – (scroll down for the women’s names)

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Able - totally useless.
Adam - not very bright and not very pretty, has almost mastered hygiene.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and tall but a liar and a cheat.
Alistair - likes being tied up, and really enjoys playing with train sets
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule. Bad diet.
Andrew - Highly intelligent and wears a kilt. Poor standards of hygiene. Homicidal tendencies.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Looks in the mirror too much.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Avenir - reads too many fantasy books, wears armour to bed.
Baron - Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl’s bottoms and is well hung.
Barnaby - very big, very strong and very gentle, cries a lot.
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bill - thinks he's really popular, thinks all the girls want him ...he's wrong.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - short and squat, has bad breath.
Braden - Drop out and doesn't care, will set record for longest employee at McDonalds.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Not very academic.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, he's just a very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Callum - tall and geeky, very defensive.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian. Big muscles.
Carl - horny. bastard, who can't sing.
Carlo - dark and brooding, for some unknown reason girls seem to like him!
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christian - Gay but very sexy and seductive.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Clive - trainspotter ... dull as ditchwater.
Cole - nice, funny, and very stupid.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Crispin - Ugly homosexual. Fancies himself. Successful
Curtis - needs constant mothering and reassurance.
Damien - spawn of the devil, but in a good way.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Danny - Wears stylish clothes and has silky womens underwear beneath them.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.
Darwyn - exercises too much, favourite word Ug Daryl - pompous and
overbearing, likes using big words that only he understands.
David - Sensible and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence.
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dele - well endowed likes blondes. Looks in the mirror too much
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection.
Dillon - Stupid but well-built, women just use him for sex.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please anybody.
Don - dickhead, nobody likes him.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - thinks he's funny, falls asleep during sex.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
Elis - would rather make model airoplanes than have sex.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy and timid like a little mouse.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and a model mental patient.
Finn - Completely indecisive, suffers terribly with Catholic guilt.
Frank - single helix DNA and it shows.
Fraser - sucks pigs dicks & swallows the lot.
Frederick/Fred/Freddie - wants to rule the world. Loves women
Fritz - Loves playing games. Never wins.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Can't play rugby.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Garry - forever fiddling with himself and wonders why no-one will shake hands.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Gerry - quiet and insecure, a doormat.
Gilbert - Morris dancer, collects antique sweet wrappers.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth. good teacher. crap in bed.
Gordon - big bloke in a dirty raincoat, kinda flashy.
Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham/Graeme - will screw anything.
Grahame - thinks he's better than other Grahams because he has an extra 'e'.
Grant - Short and ugly! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels suicidally sorry for himself.
Harry - Good at sport. Women love him. Blokes hate him.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Haydn - tries hard, succeds rarely.
Heinz - Likes variety in his life. in his fifties. Overweight.
Henry - dull, dull, dull, dull ... likes trains and tweed jackets, probably a science teacher.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.
Howell - sings too much.
Ian - likes to stuff animals and dress up in women's clothing.
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
Izzy - circumsized, but they threw away the wrong bit.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - Devious scum of the earth.
James - can't handle his beer, smells of mayonaise and does wet farts.
Jarrod - Arrogant, stuck-up, pompous and annoying. Loves himself totally
and has lots of mirrors.
Jason - Gayer than a pink fairy winning a trophy at the gayest pink fairy competition.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. which is a problem because
he has bad breath.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection but wanks too much.
Jimmy - Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn't always get up for it.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Bisexual
Joel - arse.
John - has few friends and no life - tends to kill small animals.
Jon - Not too bright will end up married to a cousin.
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit. Looks in the mirrror too much.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Hung like a wildebeest.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun. And has huge lips which resembles a ladies vagina.
Julian - used to be a wooden boy, but is now almost real with a big nose.
Junior - Not very clever, but good at football.
Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight.
Kain - one of the sexiest guys alive but very stuck up.
Keegan - always has a bit of his last meal displayed on his clothes.
Kev - lager lout, wears cheap and loud clothes.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends and then loses them when they see his dick!
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kerry - wants to be in a boy band but he's not pretty enough.
Kirk - good looking, worries that he might be gay.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Levi - same as Lee only not so pretty.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Welsh
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet.
Madison - so far up his own arse there's no room for his boyfriend.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. And is gay!!!
Mark - Good looking and very clever. Every woman would if she could.
Marshall - Never seems to age, this is because he is in fact an anderoid!
Martin - Stud. Loves himself. would make a good lawyer.
Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of shit.
Matty - Life and soul of the party, could get a corpse dancing.
Menno - built like a horse. Only does it doggy.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl. Doesn't like
to work too hard. Sexual deviant
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mintesh - boy racer, the arsehole who drives with the stereo too loud and
the windows down even though it's cold!
Mitchell - big bloke, sweats a lot, usually pure alcohol.
Mohammed - small penis, but still really enjoys playing with it.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - inbred - can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed but
only on his own.
Noel - only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - complete loser, hated by his parents.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative.
Phillip - homophobic, image conscious twat, likes to fuck poodles.
Ramsey - thinks he's posh but is actually a knob.
Raymond - doesn't like to be called Ray because it sounds too 'straight'.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above, but can't even spell.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Robin - Ugly and not very bright, probably a teacher.
Roger - acts like a wanker when drunk ... Permanently drunk!
Rory - men are only nice to him so they can talk to his sister.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Pantomime dame
Ryan - short and stout, but popular.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Sandeep - complete anorak, owns a metal detector.
Sean - thinks he's James Bond, in reality a dipstick.
Scott - has serious disabilities. likes winter sports
Sean - has small deformed testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Shannon - like the, river wet and full of shit.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.
Sonny - thinks he's tough and proves it with young girls and boys.
Spencer - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster
Taylor - Gay, gay, gay, gay ....
Terry - small and wirey with a nasty temper.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - cool but can be very arrogant.
Tomas - part-druid, likes to dance round things naked.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. tendency to megalomania
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Tyrone - Big bloke with a gay moustache, but nobody dares tell him.
Ty - small and kind of shrivelled.
Var - adventurous type, can't sit quietly and so is very annoying.
Wade - huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest.
Walter - Rich, but with no taste in anything, so the money is a bit of a waste.
Wasim - Good at sport. Likes bondage. Intelligent.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Picks his nose alot.
Wesley - great guy and easy to not notice.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - not very tall, but ultra-cool.
Zach - sweet and polite and twisted.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Women's Names

Abby - agony aunt, always willing to explain about your confused sexuallity.
Ada - blue haired, smells of wee.
Adie - quiet and shy, but when you get to know her .. quiet and shy.
Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs.
Alana - pretty and popular, but with very dark secrets.
Alexandra - popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe.
Alice - likes horses but looks like Kermit's girlfriend.
Alicia - pretty and knows it, watches herslf go by in shop windows.
Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Alyssa - wants to be 'exotic', but only manages to be 'strange'.
Amanda - I.Q. smaller than her bra size, a good shag, but she does practice a lot.
Amber - stereotypical exotic dancer, not too bright but very flexible.
Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Likes any man not wearing trousers
Anastasia - overly-loud, wears clothes 2 sizes too small.
Andrea - Small breasts, small arse, drinks pints and plays a mean game of pool.
Andrina - dark and sultry, pretends she's a Russian spy.
Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets.
Anita - Beautiful girl with perfect hair and a body to die for.
Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - She's BIG, like really BIG!!.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.
Anne-Marie - Gorgeous and with a great taste in blokes, has perfectly
formed breasts
Annie - Drinks too much, always wakes up next to ugly guys.
Ashlee - Dyslexic and spends all day thinking about sex.
Aurora - Beautiful and sexy, every mans dream, but sadly swings the other way.
Azaria - Beautiful and exotic with the brain power of an orchid.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Wears alot of make up
Bea - Beautiful, sexy, original, but nearly impossible to satisfy in bed.
Becky - one of the boys, knows about football and cars, unusually tall.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.
Beth - Empty headed, big breasted, and easy.
Bettina - Dominatrix.
Beverley - Trapped in an eighties time warp.
Bianca - Ginger. Big mouth.
Birgit - big scary woman, likes small blokes she can intimidate.
Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Cait - Bow-legged country girl, really loves her horses.
Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Cara - lazy girl, eats too much junk-food and yet doesn't get fat - annoying.
Carie - just like the movie, a scary freak.
Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Carla - Down to earth with good child-bearing hips.
Carly - Party animal until she gets too drunk to stand up.
Carol - Bubbly, life and soul of the party and the bedroom.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears, picks her nose and shops at oxfam.
Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Chaz - life and soul of the party, plays the piano and then strips to her own music.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Chloe - Usually a weather-girl or a failed wannabe weather-girl.
Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.
Christina - Drop dead gorgeous and with a different bloke each night, well practiced.
Ciji - strange girl, sleeps with a vibrating teddy-bear.
Claire/Clare/Clair - Usually neurotic, gives good head but can have lesbian tendencies.
Courtney - Bit of a 'tomboy', rolls her own tampons.
Daisy - Virgin, works on a farm because she likes the way the tractor vibrates.
Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Debra/Debby - Porn star.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Dee - Enormous mouth, gets a lot of work in porn movies.
DeeDee - cannot understand why no-one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.
Di - Enjoys receiving oral sex, but doesn't like giving it.
Diana - Cuddly, which is a shame because she smells like cheese.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Dorthe - smells of herrings, obsessed with over-sized sex toys.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. average breasts.. likes sharp edges.
Eleanor - Very posh, always washing her hands, but likes her sex dirty.
Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens.
Ella - Fiery temper, but when she's not shouting she's as cute as a kitten.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.
Ellen - Could well have eaten all the pies.
Elma - Shy, easily dominated by men.
Elsa - Kind of old fashioned, but with beautiful big hair.
Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Erminia - Small and graceful, slightly psychotic.
Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Eve - Shy timid creature until she has a drink, then she becomes very loud.
Evonne - Much happier now that the sex change operation was a success.
Faith - Legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - One of the boys .. except that she has the most enormous nipples.
Fern - Posh with a large mouth, can hold a conversation whilst giving head.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, badly needs a shave.
Fiyza - Very sexy, she knows it and she flaunts it
Francess - A lovely lady even if she is as common as muck!
Frankie - Wears leather underwear, if it's quiet you can hear her buzzing.
Gabriel - An arse to die for but pads her bra with tissues.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks shite all day.
Gaynor - Wanna-be Lesbian who can't pull the girls.
Gemma - Talks too much, even during sex, even during oral sex!
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Georgia - Loves her cakes, would rather have gateau than sex.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Grace - petite and pretty, fucks like a rabbit.
Grainne - Giggles excessively, sometimes wets herself.
Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Harriet - Wears tweed and green wellies to the pub.
Hayley - Pretty, likes fast cars and slow men.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, bit of a screamer.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn and is totally neurotic.
Helena - Likes to be in charge, wears a lot of black rubber.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins, hates Nazis.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Isobel - Motorbike gang leader, sells guns for pocket money.
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Jade - I once had a Jade, but hasn't everybody??
Jalaine - Strange, introverted girl, secretly into plastic model aeroplanes.
Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.
Janette - She's hot and she knows it, a prick-teaser.
Janice - Loud and over-the-top, tends to talk with her hands.
Jarla - Kinda like a female Ali-G only not as funny.
Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jean - hangs around with old blokes and let's them buy her stuff.
Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Jenni - bone idle hence the tendency to shorten long words.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica - Always shags on the first date and sometimes even before it.
Joanne/a - Moans in her sleep, moans when she wakes up, can't cook.
Jo - Bisexual and proud of it.
Joelle - Lively, exciting, jolly and fun ... sometimes too much so!
Josephine - Likes to be tied up and teased.
Jody - Dresses like a boy and eats live frogs for breakfast.
Joyce - Never stops talking ... for God's sake shut up woman!
Judith - Big eyes, big tits, big problem with ballance.
Judy - Huge tits, married to a retard.
Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes
Juliet - Eats too many chips, has greasy hair and a hairy arse.
Justine - Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - Likes outdoor sex, preferably with a chance of getting caught.
Kacie - cute and adorable, but prone to sulking.
Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - kisses with her tongue and can hold a conversation whilst doing it.
Katherine - old-fashioned girl, giggles when anyone mentions naughty words.
Katy - Tom boy, likes her sex dirty, usually outdoors.
Katie - likes blokes and team sports, preferably both together.
Kayleigh - The Lara Croft of Essex, great in bed (practice makes perfect)
Keira - person most likely to start a cult, related to Starlin.
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kelley - not very bright, can't spell Kelly.
Kelsey - Very clever, wears glasses, boys scare her.
Kerran - tries to be mysterious, but everyone has been there.
Kerry - pretty, cute, and changes underwear once a week.
Kiersten - very sexy to look at, hard to please in bed.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.
Krista - Cool and pretty, tends to daydream all day and sleepwalk all night.
Kristy - Shy until she gets drunk, prone to spots.
Kristen - Emotionally stunted, thinks Robot-Wars is cruel and should be banned.
Kylie - Can't sing but who cares ... lovely arse.
Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Dominatrix
Lauren – Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Leanne - eats a lot of raw meat, most guys are scared of her.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leonie - Tall girl who likes short boys, it's a power thing.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Leyla - Hot and horny, the girl that always will.
Lily - Makes a good friend, doesn't take crap from anyone.
Linda - Teenage bride can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainy.
Lizbeth - Sensible and serious, can talk without moving her lips.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies
Lorrie - Named after the vehicle she weighs the same as.
Louise/a - Likes to get around, fantastic breasts.
Luci - cute and loveable
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
Lynn - Funny and sexy, everything a bloke wants in a woman.
Lynnette - Has the attention span of a budgerigar, likes pretty things.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Madusa - Really likes men, preferrably grilled with a side salad.
Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.
Mairi - Quiet and shy but incredibly clever, secretly planning to take over the world.
Mandy - Cute and cuddly, thick as a short plank.
Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - Bangs like a barn door.
Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marion - stuffs her bra with tissue, a bit cross-eyed.
Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - Ugly lesbian.
Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Mary - Likes men with long tongues and talented fingers.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Mavis - seems nice until you notice the black cat, broomstick and pointed hat.
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Meghan - Cold, hard-hearted bitch, enjoys upsetting little children.
Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melinda - Trailer trash ... pretty, plump, and infected.
Melissa - Eats dogs, has been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - Big butt, small brain.
Molly - Pretty and naive, would like to be slimmer, wears clothes with too many flowers.
Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.
Nadine - Stunt Lady, can drink any bloke under the table! Don't mess with her.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.
Narelle - Likes dressing up as a French maid but not French.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Niamh - Quiet and cute, secretly wears mens under-wear.
Nicci - Pretty, blonde, nicely dressed and vacant.
Nichola - quiet, studious type, wears glasses, a tiger in bed.
Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nicole - small sweet and with nice hair, should wear underwear more often.
Niki - wannabe mysterious spy but not bright enough.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Nissa - speach impediment causes her to hiss, fond of reptiles.
Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Olive - usually accompanied by a couple of people in white coats.
Olivia - Gorgeous and knows it, has to sew herself into her trousers..
Olwyn - stupid name, welsh, just unlucky I guess.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Patricia - Obsessive about appearances, yet denies that she's shallow.
Pat - short and common, one of the lads and a bit of a laff.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.
Peggy - Wears outdated clothes and will only do missionary position.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes her men to be stiff.
Peta - Rough and tough, seriously into bondage.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Phyliss - Thinks sex is dirty, always washing her hands.
Polly - nice girl with really bad dress-sense, fashion disaster, it's a shame.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Preya - can't cook or clean but good in bed.
Prudence - sensible girl, wears flat shoes, but will shag anything in trousers.
Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rebekah - Not very bright, pretty, but sometimes forgets to bathe.
Renee - Huge breasts, but wishes blokes would notice her mind.
Romany - Wild and beautiful, swings both ways.
Rosalind - Upper-class lady but works as a secret agent when the government needs her.
Rose - Can be prickly, gives good head.
Rosemary - Very shy, nearly always seen with a bright red face.
Roz - Only enjoys sex when she's tied up and spanked first.
Rula - She measures up well.
Ruth - Has stretch marks around her mouth.
Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up.
Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sara - Air-head, with a gorgeous body to compensate.
Sarah - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sarah-Jane - 'posh' girl, will screw anything in a BMW.
Sasha – Looks dreadful the morning after. Smokes cigars
Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Shannon - Beautiful, curvaceous, should be a model.
Sharon - The original bitch queen, uses everyone she meets.
Shauna - Lives in a trailer, has 16 kids each with a different surname.
Shelly - very cute, but a bit of a soft-hearted slapper.
Sheree - Cute, but very loud! desperately needs a volume control.
Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Shona - Librarian by day, exotic dancer by night.
Sinead - Wears big knickers and a vest, but is secretly very sexual.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Silka - Appears shy, but secretly Miss Whiplash the dominatrix.
Silke - Only ever has sex outdoors near her favourite tree.
Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.
Sonya – intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sophia - Beautiful girl with long legs, a shame her arse is the size of a small country.
Sophie - Brothel manager because she's too ugly to be a working girl.
Stacey - Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stella - reassuringly expensive, she's worth every penny!
Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Very fertile.
Summer - wears flowers in her hair, a pretty dress, and no knickers.
Sylvia - loves the outdoors. Mad.
Tammy - Kind-hearted and generous, particularly in the bedroom.
Tanya/Tania - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper class slapper, enjoys ranom chemicals.
Teresa - surprisingly small given the amount of alcohol she drinks.
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - Lives in a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
Tracey - Lesbian.
Ursula - Likes puppies,usually in a hot curry.
Val - usually drunk, doesn't know where her knickers are.
Valerie - quaint and old-fashioned, someones aunt.
Vanessa - Beautiful, power-crazy bitch.
Veronica - closet lesbian who sleeps around to prove she isn't!
Vicki - Likes Yoga. And Women.
Vikki - Drinks anything so long as it's got vodka in it.
Wendy - Possibly a man.
Zakia - Wants to be a spy when she grows up, but needs to wash more often.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on January 12, 2010, 12:00:05 pm
Mexican Words Of the Day

1. * Cheese *
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. * Mushroom *
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.

3. * Shoulder *
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But she didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me, she wonders where I am!

5. * Herpes *
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then she got herpes.

6. * July *
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. * Rectum *
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. * Chicken *
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But she said chicken go herself.

9. * Wheelchair *
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. * Chicken * * wing *
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. * Harassment *
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me " .

12. * Bishop *
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.

13. * Body wash *
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. * Budweiser *
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 12, 2010, 12:11:02 pm
Best Headache Line Ever!!..


A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. Now then, .... you can take it orally, or as a suppository … it's tottally up to you darling!!!'

________________________________________
________________________________________


Senior Driving...

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car...It's hundreds of them!"

--

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! ....Am I driving???"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 13, 2010, 02:07:30 pm
The New Alphabet!


New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
''I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!''
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 14, 2010, 12:53:00 pm
My Mouse is Missing!


(http://s3.postimage.org/Pfloi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PqPfloi)

click on pic to enlarge!!
_________________________________________________


Happily Ever After


This sounds so familiar.....

How a marriage works
all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but
at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying,


"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen
that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie
roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right
back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the
oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork
strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer
in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing
snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't
f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"


.........and, they lived happily ever after.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 14, 2010, 06:53:36 pm
You named it WHAT?


(http://s3.postimage.org/258FIr.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s3.postimage.org/258Xar.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s4.postimage.org/26IEIA.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s3.postimage.org/256x0J.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s4.postimage.org/26Gh30.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s4.postimage.org/26Jk70.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s4.postimage.org/26PRGA.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on January 14, 2010, 11:48:41 pm
I don't know where you get those, but I am still laughing....:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

By the way, on interstate 80 just before you get to Reno, there is a town
that you go by, and even has a green freeway sign for the turn off.  It's called "phuckerbrush" nevada.  Got a picture somewhere will try to post it.:icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on January 15, 2010, 12:25:16 am
david the signs are great and the joke was hillarious
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Frans B on January 15, 2010, 08:33:19 am
“A wife is like an umbrella, Frâulein Morecock.
Sooner or later one takes a cab.” Sigmund Freud

One marries in order to protect oneself against the temptations of sexuality, but it turns out nevertheless that marriage does not allow of the satisfaction of needs that are somewhat stronger than usual. In just the same way, one takes an umbrella with which to protect oneself from the rain and nevertheless gets wet in the rain, in both cases one must look around for a stronger protection: in the latter case one must take a public vehicle, and in the former a woman who is accessible in return for money.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on January 15, 2010, 10:04:48 am
thats an interesting way of putting it frans b
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 15, 2010, 11:58:55 am
Penniless Vicar


The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Jaguar every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Vicar'.


Not sure if i've posted this one before, ....apologies if i have !!  lol!!
_



Double Enders

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this.'


10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts.'


12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 15, 2010, 06:48:45 pm
The waiting room


They always ask at the doctor's surgery why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 16, 2010, 05:36:45 pm
Things You Learn From Children

For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
First grade... true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on January 16, 2010, 06:43:16 pm
just out of curiosity to see it work
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on January 16, 2010, 11:42:27 pm
Anyone who try's this, please let us know how it comes out....:s
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 17, 2010, 03:31:58 pm
How To Watch Porn On The Plane!!!



http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/basic_day_laptop_plane0.jpg (http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/basic_day_laptop_plane0.jpg)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Voiceroveip on January 17, 2010, 06:17:56 pm
(http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/basic_day_laptop_plane0.jpg)

Hilarious, did his gf knit that for him? :angel: It's a good way to keep a secret though. I once sat on a plane to Rome (working for Nortel), and 2 guys from Lucent (direct competitor) were sitting in the next row discussing sales strategy about one of my accounts. Needless to say, I won the deal. :s
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 17, 2010, 06:41:40 pm
Dads Rules For Dating


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


__________________________________________


My Apologies to the Irish

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."

-------------------------

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

----------------------

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king
b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

----------------------------

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"

-------------------

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

------------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a
£20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
the other bag?"
"Wel Nowl", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 18, 2010, 01:31:26 pm
They Walk Among Us!!!


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free
to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next
day someone stole it.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where???'


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving'.


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way
the head is turned...


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your
plane arrived yet?'...


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!


And yes ... sadly...not only do they walk among us, they also REPRODUCE!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 18, 2010, 05:03:00 pm
Sister Mary


Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine!

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done fuck all but moan since you've been here."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 18, 2010, 06:08:43 pm
Politically Incorrect


A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is

baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over

his face.


"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in

the face and says "Go show your father".


He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look papa,

I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and

says "Go show your grandmother."


The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira,

abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in

the face and sends him back to his mother.


His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"


To which the boy replies, "I Sure did. I have only been white

for five minutes and already, I don't like you Mexicans.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 18, 2010, 07:34:41 pm
The Half-Wit!!!


A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Paul Todd on January 18, 2010, 11:10:28 pm
Anti Racist Joke 01
“Now you see him, now you don’t, now you see him, now you don’t” A Racist on a Zebra crossing (didn’t say what colour the racist was)

Anti Racist Joke 02
2 racists walk into a bar. Ouch, Ouch

Anti Racist Joke 03
5 more racists walk into the same bar as the other 2. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch

Anti Racist Joke 04
A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society

Anti Racist Joke 05
An apartment of 3 floors lives 3 families, A White family, a Black family and a Racist family. At 2pm on a normal working day, a fire breaks out and burns the building to the ground, which family dies? The Racist family, Because with the others at 2pm the parents are out at work and the kids are at school.

Anti Racist Joke 06
Why don’t racists like blowjobs? They don’t like any jobs

Anti Racist Joke 07
Why is a racist like a dog? Both mark their territory with shit

Anti Racist Joke 08
Why is a racist like a Racing commentator? Both start shouting when a new race starts

Anti Racist Joke 09
Have you heard the one about the racist who choked on Yogurt? He found out there was a foreign culture in it

Anti Racist Joke 10
How do you confuse a racist? Write PTO on both sides of a piece of paper

Anti Racist Joke 11
How do you get a one-armed racist out of a tree? Wave

Anti Racist Joke 12
How do you get a racist to laugh on a Sunday? Tell them a joke on Friday

Anti Racist Joke 13
How does a racist pick his nose? From the mail-order catalogue.

Anti Racist Joke 14
How does a racist steal a bike? Picks it up and runs

Anti Racist Joke 15
How many Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to deny it ever happened

Anti Racist Joke 16
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb? 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to deny that the last bulb ever burned out.

Anti Racist Joke 17
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb? None, racists hate being enlightened

Anti Racist Joke 18
My racist has got no nose. How does he smell? Terrible

Anti Racist Joke 19
What did the racist do with a packet of M&M’s? Put them in alphabetical order.

Anti Racist Joke 20
What did the racist put on his job application form under the section “Sign here”? Sagittarius

Anti Racist Joke 21
What do you call 10,000 racists under the sea? A good start

Anti Racist Joke 22
What do you call a racist abortion centre? Crime stoppers

Anti Racist Joke 23
What Do you call a racist wearing a suit? Jim Davidson

Anti Racist Joke 24
What do you call a Racist wearing a Suit? Jim Davidson in court on a drink Driving Charge AGAIN!!!

Anti Racist Joke 25
What do you call a racist wearing a suit? Officer

Anti Racist Joke 26
What do you call a racist wearing a suit? The accused

Anti Racist Joke 27
What do you call a racist with 2 brain cells? Pregnant

Anti Racist Joke 28
What do you call a racist with a high IQ score? A Cheat

Anti Racist Joke 29
What do you get if you cross a racist with an Italian? Someone who gives you an offer they don’t understand.

Anti Racist Joke 30
What does a racist and a drunk have in common? Whatever both say ends in a slur

Anti Racist Joke 31
What does a racist and a sperm cell have in common? Only one in a million work.

Anti Racist Joke 32
What does a racist and an apple have in common? They both look good hanging from a tree

Anti Racist Joke 33
What happened to the racists snow tyres? They melted

Anti Racist Joke 34
What should you do with a group of racists? Hate them all for existing and put them all on a boat and send them back where they came from.

Anti Racist Joke 35
What’s Red, White and peels? A Ku Klux Klan member trying to get a suntan

Anti Racist Joke 36
What’s the best way to circumcise a racist? Kick his Sister-in-law in the jaw

Anti Racist Joke 37
What’s the definition of confused? Tell a Nazi the Holocaust didn’t happen

Anti Racist Joke 38
What’s the difference between a racist and a bucket of sludge? The Bucket

Anti Racist Joke 39
What’s the difference between a racist and a Pizza? A Pizza can feed a family of four.

Anti Racist Joke 40
What’s the difference between a Schoolyard racist and Adolph Hitler? Opportunity

Anti Racist Joke 41
What’s the most confusing day for a racist? Fathers Day

Anti Racist Joke 42
What’s the difference between a ghost and a racist? One is a sheet-wearing spook who tries to scare people out of their homes, and the other one is a dead guy.

Anti Racist Joke 43
What’s the difference between a racist’s house and a porcupine? With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Anti Racist Joke 44
What’s the difference between a redneck and a racist? A redneck will sleep with any of his cousins, but a racist only sleeps with them if they’re white.

Anti Racist Joke 45
Why did the Black fella, a Paddy Irishman and a Jewish kike cross the road? To beat up the racist on the other side.

Anti Racist Joke 46
Why didn’t the racist cross the road? He was afraid of the other side.

Anti Racist Joke 47
Why do racists compete on skin colour? If they competed on brains they would lose.

Anti Racist Joke 48
Why do racists smell so bad? So Blind people can hate them too

Anti Racist Joke 49
Why do racists stink of pee? Aftershave

Anti Racist Joke 50
A man walks into a Private Hospital for a Brain transplant.The doctor shows the patient 3 brains and 3 price tags next to each brain. The patient can choose which brain he wants.

A White mans brain £500
A Black mans brain £500
A Racists mans brain £2000

Patient asks why the Racist brain costs so much

Doctor replies “Cos. it’s never been used”
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on January 19, 2010, 12:33:01 am
I am not racist...I hate everyone equally!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on January 19, 2010, 02:21:36 am
the dad rules are good

 one question david   were do you get this stuff??
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Voiceroveip on January 19, 2010, 10:12:25 am
A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.

The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!

The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.


----------------
ConFuSciouS SayS:

"man who run in front of car get tired"
"man who run behind car get exhausted"
"man with one hand in pocket not neccessarily jingling change"
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok."
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off."
"Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock."
"Man who pull out too fast leave rubber."
"A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish,
but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next
spring."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!"
"People who live in plexi-glass houses should not throw abrasive
cleansers."
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem
in hand"
"People who make Confucious joke speak bad English."
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."


----------------------
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE...

Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
Dum Gai A stupid person
Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia Approach me
Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi Not very good
Lin Ching An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding Achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk Irritating drivers

---------------------

Liver n' Cheese

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy.
They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.
The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.
The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"
Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 19, 2010, 02:38:05 pm
Ted,

I have a lot of friends, in a lot of countries. We are always sending each other these sort of jokes/funnies. I have a lot of funny email vid clips too, but it seems you can't download these onto this website system. Shame really as i have some real funny stuff in that format!!

David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on January 19, 2010, 06:40:26 pm
yes David i miss the you tube here in China
many censored here
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 20, 2010, 11:41:33 am
A Ventriloquist Visiting Wales


A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.
Anyway, He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man : "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"

Ooooops!! ......it must be true what they say about the Welsh farmers then...Sheep Shaggers!! ...lol!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 20, 2010, 04:49:55 pm
Before And After Marriage!!!

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

__________________________________________



Instructions For Cleaning a Toilet....


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely Yours,
The Dog
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 20, 2010, 06:33:02 pm
An Oz Story!!

Can't remember if i've posted this one before, but i recieved it again today in my mail, and still think it's pretty good. So i'm posting it anyway!!...haha!!    David....


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 22, 2010, 04:51:22 pm
Great for Business!!


A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 23, 2010, 04:09:28 pm
WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN!!.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tuxedo rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is 8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have toshave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Hell, the reason list just goes on and on.....

No wonder men are happier pilgrims than our women.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 23, 2010, 07:06:34 pm
THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.


His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"


"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."


So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that..
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on January 23, 2010, 09:30:07 pm
Now that is a cowboy joke !!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on January 24, 2010, 06:17:53 am
the one about the cat was good and also the one you read from
bottom to top
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 24, 2010, 05:05:43 pm
Trying To Do The Job Alone

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 24, 2010, 06:24:00 pm
2009 Women Drivers Awards

For The 2009 Women Drivers Award we have....

In 10th position....

(http://img34.imagefra.me/img/img34/5/12/15/f_10m_5b8b841.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

In 9th position....

(http://img26.imagefra.me/img/img26/5/12/15/f_9m_5b62cb4.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

In our 8th position....

(http://img34.imagefra.me/img/img34/5/12/15/f_8m_91dae2e.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

In 7th position we have....

(http://img27.imagefra.me/img/img27/5/12/15/f_7m_71da7e8.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

In 6th position is....

(http://img32.imagefra.me/img/img32/5/12/15/f_6m_3ada44c.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

In 5th position....

(http://img02.imagefra.me/img/img02/5/12/15/f_5m_bf10876.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

In 4th position is....

(http://img28.imagefra.me/img/img28/5/12/15/f_4m_7b646c2.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

In our Bronze medal position we have....

(http://img30.imagefra.me/img/img30/5/12/15/f_bronzem_48a9b0a.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

Our runner-up Silver medal position is....

(http://img31.imagefra.me/img/img31/5/12/15/f_silverm_b333561.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)
Yes, it is being worn backwards, and no she's not a blonde!!!

And finally, Our Womans 2009 Driver Gold Medal  
Award Winner is.......

(http://img31.imagefra.me/img/img31/5/12/15/f_goldm_91ddc41.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)

Congratulations to all our entrants....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 25, 2010, 12:01:33 pm
IRISH JOKE


"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking
up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?" then, warming to his theme, ...he went on:

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"

"Would ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: "Well No, ...I guess not!!."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it
up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"


"Well, No I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.


So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well,
all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for
Irish sausages?"


The assistant replied: "Because you're in f**king Homebase DIY!!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 25, 2010, 01:18:08 pm
Hungry Travelling Salesman

There was this travelling salesman, driving along the Motorway.

The weather was hot and he was peckish. It was nearing lunchtime. He bagan looking for a decent place to eat.

He saw a restaurant with a carpark full of nice cars.

He thought that this must be a good place to eat , with all these cars there.

He pulled in and with difficulty managed to find parking space.

As soon as he entered the restaurant he was surprised as there was no one at the tables.

He beckoned towards the 9 year old boy standing idly behind the counter and asked him where all the customers were and pointed out all the cars in the carpark..

The boy told the salesman that there were no customers and that the cars belonged to him.

The man asks the boy "how come? "

"Simple " says the boy. "I have a dare with the customers (men) they lose the dare, and I get their cars".

"How do you do that?" asks the man. "So What is the dare?"

"Well" says the boy, "Its simple, I ask them to copy everything I do", "if they fail, I get the car".

The man at first does not want to believe the boy, then he says "ok, your dare is on".

The boy calls his elder sister 17 year old Donna to the table. He caresses the girls hair and asks the man to do the same. The man complies.

Next the boy kisses the girl on the cheek. The man happily complies again.
Then the boy begins to caress the girls breasts. The man is now getting excited and does the same. The man is clearly enjoying this bet.

The boy then runs his fingers up the girls skirt and begins to rub her underneath the skirt.

The man by now is now sweating. He releases his tie and loosens his collar and does the same. The man thinks, OMG I never want this to end.

The boy undoes his trousers takes his little penis in his hand and bends it in half.

F**k , F**k, F**k it, the man says, and puts his hand in his pocket, takes out his car keys and hands them over to the Young Boy!!!......
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 25, 2010, 02:52:20 pm
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, I remember it well.

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Yep!!....Fifty years ago that fence wasn't an electrified ."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 26, 2010, 12:54:56 pm
A Right Tasty ''Bird''!!!!!

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...

(http://img28.imagefra.me/img/img28/5/12/19/f_turkeym_0467e81.jpg) (http://imagefra.me/)


May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Christmas dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Now That's a Cracker of a ''Bird''
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 26, 2010, 05:08:34 pm
Ancient Greek Philosophy.


Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to
 repeat a rumour.
 

 In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
 wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran
 up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard
 about one of your students...?'
 
 
 'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to
 pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'
 
 'The TEST of THREE?' the man asked.
 
 That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my
 student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first
 test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
 tell me is true?'
 
 'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'
 
 'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't re ally know if it's true or
 not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
 are about to tell me about my student something good?'
 
 'No, on the contrary . . . '
 
 'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him
 even though you're not certain it's true?'
 
 The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
 
 Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third
 test- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my
 student going to be useful to me?'
 
 'No, not really . . . '
 
 'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True
 nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'
 
 The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
 
 This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
 high esteem.
 
It also explains why Socrates didn't ever find out that Plato was banging his
 wife
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 26, 2010, 06:30:23 pm
Employee Evaluations

The following are taken from actual Employee Evaluations hope you enjoy:

You won't see these sort of comments in Employee Evaluations anymore, it's not politicly correct, and the employee has the right to read his/her evaluation these days... lol!!

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won?t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn?t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn?t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He?s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It?s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
36. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


________________________________________


Apples and Wine...


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

This had to be written by a woman!!!!!  lol!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 27, 2010, 04:44:14 pm
The Dammed Stairs!!!

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first,"Then almost crying he said. "I've left the bloody room key in
the dammed car!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 27, 2010, 07:07:12 pm
Why Men Die First !!!

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race. .you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you’re a poofter.
If you work too hard...there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough...you’re a good-for-nothing lazy prick.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get
off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it’s male indifference.
If you cry............you’re a wimp.
If you don’t....................you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy....... that’s domination.
If SHE asks you.........it’s a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you’re a pervert.
If you don’t..............you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.........youre sexist.
If you don’t.................you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you’re vain.
If you don’t................you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you’re after something.
If you don’t....................you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements........you’re full of shit.
If you’re not ....................you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she’s tired.
If you have a headache.............you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you’re oversexed.
If you don’t................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they ''WANT TO''.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 28, 2010, 11:44:30 am
The Horse & Chicken


Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand.

The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW.

Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.

Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"

The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"

They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene.

There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?

The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!"

With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!"

The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: wilsbrough on January 28, 2010, 02:23:48 pm
Ok, so i was getting a little excited about the new ipad, but then i looked into it a little bit n felt a little disappointed, but i feel this clip on youtube sums up my feelings completely...:icon_cheesygrin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQnT0zp8Ya4&feature=popular

Andy....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 28, 2010, 03:59:18 pm
New Government Seal
       

Official Announcement:


The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.   A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.  USA and many European countries are thinking along similar lines for there own emblems.


Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 28, 2010, 07:15:20 pm
Christmas Fairy Story!!!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toybag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated,Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 29, 2010, 04:21:22 pm
New Pharmacy Counter Products


(http://s4.postimage.org/2RrNuA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)
_______________________________________

Newfoundland Couple

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Newfoundland community. After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfie women are entitled to a climax. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor anywhere near.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into a wild, screaming, ear-splitting climax.

Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 29, 2010, 09:27:26 pm
Pussycats!!!

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 30, 2010, 09:12:04 am
WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently

returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
________



Two Old Guys


 Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
''Then the bloody Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 30, 2010, 11:30:55 am
Poor Old Dave!!

This joke is even older than the Mummy Mummy joke and probably as sad.



Poor old Dave, he has serious problems and even Viagra will not help.
His doctor has tried everything and only has one last thing to try.
"Go down town and see my friend the witch doctor" he says.

Dave is desperate so he goes along to see Willie the witch doctor.

Willie says " I can help you with this special potion, take it and you will be granted three
wonderful moments of passion with your wife and it will cost you 300 Cyprus pounds"
Dave is uncertain but thought why not , it is worth a try and buys the potion.
"You will have to take it now as I chant the magic words said Willie and afterwards
when you are ready to make love say honk and when you want to finish say honk honk"
Dave drinks the potion and thinks hey , I should be at home with my wife.
On his way home he starts to have some doubts so stops in a doorway.
"Honk" he whispers and whooooaaaaa - Life comes to a certain member that has not stirred for many a year.
He is so embarrassed by this that he immediately shouts "honk honk" and much to his relief
things return to normal.

"Must get home to my wife Dot and give her a special treat" he says but in his haste he steps in
front of a car as he crosses the road
"Honk" goes the car "Honk Honk" says dave to cover his embarrassment.

Dave is frantic now and rushes indoors and shouts to Dot
"Get upstairs and be prepared for the time of your life"
They rush upstairs and jump onto the bed
"Honk" says Dave
"What's all this f**cking Honk Honk business" says Dot!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 30, 2010, 01:57:37 pm
One For Scottish Rob...haha!!

Scotsmans Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's wadger. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
_____


The Parrot!!!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
Just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'Sir, ...May I ask what the turkey did?'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 30, 2010, 03:47:13 pm
DONALD & DAISY

(A NICE WHOLESOME OLD FASHIONED STORY )


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night

together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have

sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,
they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby
and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out

from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked,

"What kind of a bloody pervert do you think I am?"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 30, 2010, 08:14:20 pm
Scottish Cheese Scones

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he
slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his
mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand
trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when
his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...



'F**ck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral!!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 31, 2010, 06:57:56 am
Dealing with Rude Customers

   
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in  Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as  
cargo.


A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service.. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers..


Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight  
and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.


The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'


The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,

'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
''Fuck You!!!'' .....Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)

 

''I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!!!.''
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on January 31, 2010, 08:10:02 am
Big People Words


This is funny.. Only from a teacher!!!....

       
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to  Pre  School ....

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO" baby talk!!!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
 
'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your ''GRANDMOTHER''. ...Use 'Big People' words!'
 
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
 
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.She said.

'No, you took a ride on a ''TRAIN''. ....You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
 
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

( I love this.....)


Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,




''Winnie the SHIT''.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Voiceroveip on February 01, 2010, 12:23:00 pm
Dinner plans

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 01, 2010, 12:41:26 pm
Elderly Couple


An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her ass. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 01, 2010, 01:44:53 pm
Great Quote!!!

A British Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., British, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, the British and Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied 'Maybe it s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German ...old boy!!.'

___________________________________________



Smart Pills.....

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate some of them and said, ''Jeez, ....These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''


___________________________________________



Stop Choking - ''Aussie style''

 A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody ''Hind Lick Manoeuvre'', but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it, ya did well mate!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 01, 2010, 06:15:02 pm
Celibacy


Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered

"Self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy........................................................(following his stint in hospital) !!



__________________________________________


Church Joke!!!


It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was
seated in the pews and talking quietly.

Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman.
He sat calmly seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I
am?"

"Yup, sure do." said the old gentleman.

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.

"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"Yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me"?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied,

"Hell, ....I've Been
married to your sister for 48 God Dammed Years."



________________________________________


The Secretary!!!.....


Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.''

And I just sat there...

On the couch...


Naked.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 02, 2010, 01:32:29 pm
Great Cypriot Sex


 The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (goose fat).

We made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter.

We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'

The Cypriot man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love and she screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'

The Cypriot man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 02, 2010, 06:43:16 pm
Wind breaker!!!


A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, ...you're going to
Shit Yourself when I tell you the price."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 05, 2010, 03:06:32 pm
Funny...

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
__


Bed Sheets!!!


 **An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
 tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems
 extremely upset. **
 
 **Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
 decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He
 suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
 beyond his ability to remain rational. **
 
 **In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered
 up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. **
 
 **A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
 him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
 violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up
 with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. **
 
 **As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down
 at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing
 his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked
 up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" ***
 
 
**The drunk, still staring down replied: " Bjeez, ....I think I just beat
 the shit out of a ghost." ***
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on February 05, 2010, 06:44:11 pm
as usual thanks for the humorous posts David
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 06, 2010, 08:14:54 am
It Can Only Happen in Australia?.....


ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET12659 ---
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  
The man seemed more amused.  
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
 
The case came up in court.
 
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.
 
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.  
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.  
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
 
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
 

Looks like our Willy has been to Aussie in the past!! Either that or his reputation is far reaching!!  ...hahaha!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 06, 2010, 10:05:59 am
Frog Leap Test :


This is neat … Will drive you crazy..... (Yes, and it does work.)  

Here is a little 'test' that is (supposedly) part of a second grade Computer class in China ..

  Some figure it out right away..  

Others report having to work on it for a week (or more) to solve it.  

Click on the test below …
 


http://funstufftosee.com/frogleaptest.html (http://funstufftosee.com/frogleaptest.html)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 06, 2010, 01:31:35 pm
-

Triplets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the

Mom, "I know what happened you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was rubbing my cock and I shot the dog."


Trust the dammed Dog to be in the wrong place at the wrong time ...lol!!!
-


More Of Little Johnny

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher very reluctantly called on little Johnny.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Oh Shit!!!,...That's Beautiful isn't it, ....just f*cking beautiful!'"
-

The Breast Stroke


There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to
complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on February 06, 2010, 06:21:57 pm
good ones today David:icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 09, 2010, 01:22:19 pm
Olympic Condoms

The husband says," My olympic condoms have arrived, so tonight I will wear the gold."

The wife says," Why don't you wear the silver and come second for a change!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 09, 2010, 06:23:36 pm
Mickey Balboa?

This Sales Ad is a cracker!!!!

Make sure your sound is turned on......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqlQS5CCmwI&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqlQS5CCmwI&feature=player_embedded)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 10, 2010, 01:36:02 pm
Is there a way to post humorous videos? Or is there a thread for them? Clean ones, except for maybe language. I have not tried to put them up the same as the photo attachment. I know that you can put a link if they are on youtube or whichever site they are on.

Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 10, 2010, 03:30:24 pm
Dave C,

You seem to be only able to post here if the is an internet link. You can't post clips/video's from say an email attachment...  unless it comes with a website link of course!!

David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 10, 2010, 05:38:28 pm
I may of posted this previously, but still think it's worth posting again
for those that haven't seen it!!!!


LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by,  unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door  then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see  her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch,  totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma  of
perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she  asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The  daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the  mother-in-law exclaimed
'This is my love dress,' the  daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're  naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,'  she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
Dress,  he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for  hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home  she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the  lights, put on a romantic CD, and layon the couch waiting for her  husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He  walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'  What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she  whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'So,...What's  for dinner?'
 
He gets out of hospital next Saturday !!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 10, 2010, 08:06:43 pm
Sorry to you blondes but more blonnd jokes here.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked the phone up and listened for a moment and then said,"How should I know, thats 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband says "Who was that?"
The wife answers,"I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

A blonde was bragging about her knowlege of the state capitals. She says, "Go ahead, ask me... I know them all." A friend says, "Ok, whats the capital of Wisconson?" The blonde replies, "Oh thats easy, it's W."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact laying on the street and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm,... this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see." The first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde opens it and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Dave C
Colonoscopy Journal:
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

 
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.




Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

 
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes--and here I am being kind--like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous..  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.

 
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

 
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in  Arkansas  , we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


         And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on February 11, 2010, 03:53:33 am
As to the blonde jokes....

What do you call the brunett who is standing between two blondes....

"interpeter"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on February 11, 2010, 04:06:09 am
no blondes in china :icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 11, 2010, 01:43:50 pm
Got this in my e-mail today and thought I would share it with you all. It is entitled Canadian Humour.


Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Kentville Advertiser Newspaper in Kentville, N.S.
and bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news,
the mule died last night."





Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."





The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."





They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."





The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"





Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."





The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"






Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"





A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:





"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a
profit of $898."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"



Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his
two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Harper's Economic Stimulus package.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: wilsbrough on February 11, 2010, 01:52:35 pm
What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden retriever....:icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 11, 2010, 02:18:45 pm
The Nymphomaniac

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said.

'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.


-
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 11, 2010, 03:27:07 pm
-


Track A Mobile Phone

This is a great site to track down where your partner or friend is at this moment.
And, ....It works in China!!!


http://www.trackapartner.com/ (http://www.trackapartner.com/)


-
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on February 11, 2010, 04:07:40 pm
Yeah seen this one before? :icon_razz:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 11, 2010, 05:13:59 pm
A Moral Tale!!!


In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and

spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman

would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And

Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10

pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped

lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter,

and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with

potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into

chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.






THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word

on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than

us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer

heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer

fewer heart attacks than us



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.!!!!!  
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 11, 2010, 06:56:17 pm
Another oldie.....

Church Bells!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'  
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 11, 2010, 07:10:15 pm
In on the ding and out on the dong......... Hahahahaha!:icon_cheesygrin:

Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 11, 2010, 07:40:23 pm
THE COST OF LOOKING GOOD







Good morning my friends, the following picture might be a bit obscene to some of you, however, "NEVER Judge a book by its cover" a good lesson to learn....please scroll all the way down, oooooopppppppssssss..... and you will get the answer....hahahhahaa....have a wonderful day.

THE COST OF LOOKING GOOD
Earrings $2
Make Up $60
Tattoo $150
Boob Job $6000 .... pls scroll down


[attachment=1522]


Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts... Priceless!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on February 11, 2010, 07:44:50 pm
First this is why I'm leary of Thai's and those like them.

Second, I don't think he forgot to tuck them? :s
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on February 11, 2010, 07:45:32 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='31422' dateline='1265935223'

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts... Priceless!!


You can put all the catchup, mustard, onions, chili, sauerkraut, and what other fixen's you want, but at the end of the day, it's still a hot-dog!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 12, 2010, 06:43:42 am
Saw a porno blooper tape once...... rather funny too! Ron Jeremy was in one particuler one that when he pulled her panties down and this dick popped out in front of his face all he could say was," What the f**k is that???" He forgot all his lines, not that there were any good ones. I think the set people did this to him for a joke.

Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 12, 2010, 03:02:12 pm
Pain.....

A young Irish woman was sitting next to her mother on a bus holding her jaw with her hand and declared:-

"Oh Mother, tooth-ache must be the greatest pain in the world !"

Mother tutted, "Oh not at all child, for sure wouldn't I know that child-birth be a thousand times worse than tooth-ache"

Daughter gave out a yelp as she received another pang of pain, "Oh God, nothing could be worse than THIS !"

Whereupon Mother turned to an Irish Navvy seated on the other side of the bus and said:-

"Will you listen to this child of mine, she says that a tooth-ache is the worst pain in the world, sure and wouldn't I know that child-birth is a thousand times worse, what do you think ?"

The Navvy scratched the back of his head and replied :-

"Well there Ma'am, to be sure, I wouldn't know about that,.... BUT, did you ever get a good kick in the Bollocks ?.

_


Blind Justice


This guide dog cocked a leg on its blind owner and we'ed all over his leg.
The blind man promptly bent down and gave the dog a doggy biscuit.
A passer by asked the blind man why he was giving the dog a treat after he just pi**ed all over him.
"I want to find out which flamming end his head is, ....so i can kick him a swift kick in the bollocks" came the reply.

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 12, 2010, 06:13:50 pm
-

Ticklish problem


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM . The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles


-


Why Aussie Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching t.v. as usual. I hadn't gone more than 100 yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear in high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Lusk

[
b]Dear Sheila: [/b]

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. IF it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter.



-


Our Brilliant Ancestors

Petros the Cypriot Archaeologist

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, Turkish scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in Turkish newspapers read: "Turkish archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Italians."

One week later, a Cyprus newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in fields near Limassol , Petros Petropoulos, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Petros has therefore concluded that 300-years ago, Cypriots were already using wireless.
"Yassou, Petros!


-
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 13, 2010, 05:51:50 am
There are some pretty funny text messages here. about 900 pages of text messages. one of my daughters favorite places to check out.

Dave C

http://textsfromlastnight.com/
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 13, 2010, 09:58:13 am
-


Name that animal, kids!



Little Johnny's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out little Johnny


-


Boom Boom!!!


Tom : You wanna hear a dirty joke?
Paul: Ya
Tom: A white horse fell in the mud

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

A BLONDE is in the library , she bangs down a book and says :" too boring, too many characters and no story.
LIBRARIAN says : oh! U r the one who took the phone directory away??

A BLONDE tells her boyfriend, "Come home tomorrow, no one will be at home."
When he goes the next day to her home.......
Her door was locked..

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.


Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!





Kid Jokes:

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?


L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!


TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!


Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.

TEACHER:Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it?
kid: It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead !


-
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 15, 2010, 05:49:25 pm
I am sure that everybody here has seen this before. I just got this back in an e-mail today and the thought struck me, "what would the translation software do with this?" so I am putting it here.


Only great minds can read this.
This is weird, but interesting!




fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe
out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
if you can raed tihs forwrad it

Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 15, 2010, 06:10:10 pm
-


The Ladies Bathroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to use the men's rest room, but it had always been engaged.

A nurse noticed his predicament. " Sir," she said. "You can use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to,and as he sat there he looked at the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified wtth letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist, he pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's rest rooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff gently caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies rest room was more than a rest room, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he pushed the ATR button which he knew would be extreme ecstasy.

The next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in his hospital bed and a nurse was looking down on him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I knew I pressed the ATR button."

The smirking nurse responded, "The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

US MEN JUST NEVER LISTEN, DO WE!!!!....

-



AN INNOCENT LITTLE STORY!!!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.".

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!".

"That must've been scary!", said the teacher.

"It sure was.", said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F**off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The Poor Teacher had to leave the room.......
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on February 16, 2010, 11:40:26 am
Got this in an e-mail just now and thought it would be good to post here.

*A furniture salesman from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to
expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris,
France to see what he could find.
*
*After  arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the
French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a
line that he thought would sell well back  home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small
bistro and have a glass of wine.
*
*As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was
quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only
vacant seat in the house.
*
*Before long, a very beautiful young  Parisian girl came to his
table, asked him something in  French (which he did not understand), and
motioned toward the  chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak
to her in  English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple
of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a  napkin and drew
a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
*
*After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
*
*They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that  featured a
small group playing romantic music.
*
*They ordered  supper, after which he took another napkin and
drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance.
*
*They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing  up.
*
*Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew  a
picture of a four-poster bed.
*
*To this day, he has no idea how  she figured out that he was in
the furniture business.
*
Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on February 16, 2010, 11:58:48 am
Hmm….I’m surprised there were no “doesn’t everyone live in igloos” or “do you have running water” questions this time.  As for the hippo racing question?  WTF?    
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!  Sad I know.  
 
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
 
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
 
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to  Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
 
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
 
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ?  Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver ,  Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
 
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe   Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary  Come naked.
 
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
 
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
 
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
 
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
 
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
 
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
 
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
 
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on February 16, 2010, 01:23:49 pm
"Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop tthhatt ii ggott  tthe vvibbratttorr ffrommm??  hhooowww ddo uu ttturrn  ttthhee bbllloooddddyyy ttthhinngg ooffff??"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 16, 2010, 02:16:10 pm
-

Molly the Camel!


A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept
there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”

“No not really Sir, ...They just ride the camel into town. ....where all the girls are!!!”


-


 Cattle Show....
 


 A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah!!!, but Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."


-

-

Questions!!!


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!


-
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 16, 2010, 06:30:22 pm
-


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:




1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 17, 2010, 11:18:24 am
-


5 Rules For a Man to Have a Happy Life


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

An Addit.....

My dear old Dad always said "Have all the beautiful girlfriends you want, but always marry an ugly woman." He reckoned that ugly women were as grateful as hell and were very unlikely to shag the milkman.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 17, 2010, 01:42:33 pm
-

Four Kinds Of SEX!!!!!


There Are Four Kinds Of Sex :

HOUSE SEX -      When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX -  After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX -        After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the
                       hall and say ..."FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX -  When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court, in front of many people for every penny you've got.

-



50 Years Ago!!!...
 

 An elderly couple were sitting at their kitchen table
on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

'You know' she said, 'We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.'

'Yeah' he said, 'But we were probably naked.'

'So let's get naked now' she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes
and sat across from each other.

'You know' she said smiling lovingly
'My nipples feel just as hot, Looking at you today
as they did 50 years ago.'

He replied 'I'm sure they are .........
one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.



-

-


Always Wear Clean Underwear In Public


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story
of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry
on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife
returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

Her inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 18, 2010, 04:52:26 pm
-


Be Careful What You Say!!!!

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
Shhhhhit!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 18, 2010, 07:31:48 pm
-

Paddy

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O'Connor?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

"What about your other hand Paddy?"

"Sure now, wasn't I scratching the back of me head wondering what to do next !"


_______________________-


Paddy and the Gamekeeper


Paddy was stopped by the Gamekeeper at the local big-wigs estate recently with two buckets full of salmon. He was leaving a part of the river well-known for its fishing.

The Gamekeeper asked Paddy, Do you have a licence to catch those fish?

To be sure, sir, replied Paddy. I ain't got no fishin' license, because I not here after fishing! These here are my pet fish.

Pet fish?

Oh yes! Every night, I takes these here fish down to the lake and let dem swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the bucket here and I takes 'em home.

That's bullsh*it! Fish can't do that.

Paddy looked at the gamekeeper intently for a moment and then said, sure I swear it's the truth, Mr. Gamekeeper. I'll show ya. Sure and it really works.

O.K., said the gamekeeper. I've got to see this!

Paddy poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Warden said, Well?

Well, what? asked Paddy.

The gamekeeper asked: When are you going to call them back?

Call who back?

The FISH! yelled the gamekeeper.

To be sure, What fish would you be talking about? asked Paddy.

_______________________________________________



It Ain't Easy Being a Dick!!!


(http://s4.postimage.org/bA8MS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aVbA8MS)

Now when you think about, Poor old Dick has some hard valids points here !!!!

-
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 19, 2010, 10:02:51 am
.


Management


''Another old one but still worth sharing again...''

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 20, 2010, 12:46:33 pm
.


Did I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT???

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

On a butcher's shop window in the Old Kent Road, hand written in whitewash by the Cypriot owner:-
"FRESH MEAT !! I KILL MYSELF EVERY DAY!!"

A sign on The Embankment in London read "Golders Green-3 miles" Underneath someone wrote
"TO YOU MY BOY ...2 AND A HALF!!!"

On a dry cleaner's window
WE WILL DYE FOR YOU.

A Shoe shop in West London is named :-
R. SOLES.

Took this in Mousehole Cornwall about year ago.

(http://s1.postimage.org/3uA0VA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx3uA0VA)
.


Statues


There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given
life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the

shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left,

"Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, Oh, yes, let's!

But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeons down
and you shit on their heads."


AND WHAT WERE YOU....THINKING????


.


The old ones are the best ..........not . Emotion party!!!


EMOTION PARTY

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in

green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant come on In and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking

with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow! great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third

time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his w1lly in bowl of custard

and the other with his w1lly stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could

get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?" Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 20, 2010, 02:18:34 pm
.
Some Funny Pics/Photos...


Seen some of these before but then some are still funny so,... ENJOY!!!

(http://s1.postimage.org/5iSwri.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/5iTyi0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/5iUA8J.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/5iWGli.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/5iU1dJ.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/5j04d9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/5iVn1A.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx5iVn1A)

(http://s1.postimage.org/5iWmo9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx5iWmo9)


._______________________________


Three Weddings!!!

At a large hotel there were three wedding receptions taking place on the same night. The grooms met by chance at the bar and, being rampant young men, the talk got around to sex. The question of how many times they would make love was raised and they decided to let each other know how they got on next morning at breakfast. They agreed that they could not just discuss the subject as it would cause embarrassment to their wives and decided to use a code. For each time they made love they would order a round of toast.

At breakfast next morning the waitress approached the first groom and asked him what he would like. "Full English please and 3 rounds of toast" he replied. The second groom again had full English but asked for 5 rounds of toast. The other two grooms gave him a knowing nod.

When she asked the third groom he asked for full English and 7 rounds of toast, the other two were amazed at his stamina. As the waitress was leaving he turned around and called in a booming voice "By the way love, make two of those brown".


.______________________________________


Funny Cartoon...


Thought I'd Share With You, ...This Funny  Cartoon!!

(http://s1.postimage.org/4qcs59.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx4qcs59)


And O' how so true that is!! ...lol!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 28, 2010, 11:34:34 am
.


At last a picture of him!!!!


We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.
   
     
Mujibar was trying to get a job in   India .
 
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
 
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
 
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
 
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on February 28, 2010, 12:22:10 pm
PENIS - WANTS A RAISE.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

   I do physical labor.
   I work at great depths.
   I plunge head first into everything I do.
   I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
   I work in a damp environment.
   I don't get paid overtime.
   I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
   I work in high temperatures.
   My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

   You do not work 8 hours straight.
   You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
   You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
   You do not stay in your allocated position,and often visit other areas.
   You do not take initiative you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
   You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
   You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective    clothing.
   You'll retire well before reaching 65.
   You're unable to work double shifts.
   You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all,
        you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,

The Management
Top Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

 1)   You can GET chocolate.

 2)   "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

 3)   Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

 4)   You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

 5)   You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

 6)   You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

 7)    If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

 8)    Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

 9)   The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10)    You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without
   upsetting your co-workers.

11)   You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12)   You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13)   With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14)   Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15)   You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16)   Good chocolate is easy to find.

17)   You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18)   You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19)   When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20)   With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 28, 2010, 12:26:54 pm
.

Revenge of the gambler

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the waiting drivers.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 28, 2010, 03:17:44 pm
.

A English/Scottish joke

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts ' Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shyte n pish.'

Man replies 'My good fellow, I'm English .......repeat that in English'.
Gamekeeper replies 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on February 28, 2010, 06:25:49 pm
.


What Husbands Think!!!...............


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette  


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..

Sacha Guitry  


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates  


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous  


The great question... which I have not been able to answer.... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas  


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud  


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous  


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison  


'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra  


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra  


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash  


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous  


My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.

Henny Youngman  


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield  


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


Anonymous  

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on March 01, 2010, 01:12:25 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='32832' dateline='1267399549'

 


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash  




My girlfriend that I had before my wife, her birthday was january 27. My ex-wifes birthday....... january 28. Yes, I did screw up once!!! NEVER did I ever screw up after that. Took me years to live that down.

Dave C
THE  BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the  road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would  like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the  woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my  husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good  trade.....'
Hospital Tour

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?' The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained: 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't
do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his
testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh
my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on March 02, 2010, 05:30:35 pm
if Obama's health plan gets thru then we will all have this
type of plan ?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on March 02, 2010, 09:16:55 pm
Man of the House


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the Man of Your House.”

He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.

“Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...

 Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,
“The funeral director would be my first guess.”
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 03, 2010, 01:43:29 pm
.


Cake or Bed?


A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO ERR, ....WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on March 03, 2010, 10:10:53 pm
Got this in an e-mail the other day and thought it was funny.

The testicles of a poor Newfoundland midget hurt and ached
Almost all  the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him
About his problem.

The  doctor told him to drop his pants
And he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor
Stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.


The doctor put one finger under his left
Testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
Method to check for a  hernia. Aha!" mumbled the doctor,
And as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the
Midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more.


The doctor reached for his surgical
Scissors and snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.



The midget was so scared he was afraid to
Look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The
Doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see
If his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as
He walked  around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.


The Doctor said," How does that feel now?" The midget replied,
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?


The doctor replied "I
Cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?
 
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor


       Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.  One
of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire
need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was
relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for
female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know
that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out,
the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of
the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she
should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,
"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

       So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and
proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,
then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you
don't move.

       Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep
slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another
slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down
around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

       She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual
vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally
collided violently with a pylon.

       The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up
her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her
nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a
hospital.

       While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was
put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked,
making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I
was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There
was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain,
with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a
better look and fell out of the lift." ..

       "So, how'd you break your arm?
THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

 

[php]
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 04, 2010, 02:46:24 pm
.


Signs You see On The Road....


(http://s3.postimage.org/256x0J.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://s4.postimage.org/26Gh30.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://s3.postimage.org/258FIr.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://s3.postimage.org/258Xar.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://s4.postimage.org/26PRGA.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


(http://s4.postimage.org/26IEIA.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)


And an old favourite!!!   lol!!....

(http://s4.postimage.org/26Jk70.png) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 04, 2010, 05:44:23 pm
.


The perks of being over 50!!!


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh as apparently it is all true...

If your not over 50, print this and save till you are....

Perks start kicking in as you reach 50 and get progressive as you reach the over 60 mark and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who posted this list...

20. Your idea of a good social interaction is reading the labels on cans in supermarkets.

....... aloud.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 05, 2010, 01:31:41 pm
.

From A Strictly Mathematical Viewpoint!!!



What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!!!

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 06, 2010, 03:30:41 pm
What's This Guy On???


The link says ''drunk guy'' but i've not personally seen anyone so out of control of his own balance and movements as this guy!!! And this Video was recorded at 10am on a Tuesday morning. Now that's what you call having a great weekend!!   haha!!!


http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-goes-for-more-beer.html (http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-goes-for-more-beer.html)

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on March 06, 2010, 10:27:57 pm
And America wins the gold in the drinking olympics, scottland claims the silver, and mexico the bronze... haha
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 07, 2010, 05:03:18 pm
.


OLD BUT NOT STUPID’



I had to replace a light bulb in the kitchen today, but my
wife told me I was too old and clumsy to be standing on a ladder.


So, I asked a neighbour. Then I held the ladder while the light bulb was being replaced.


(http://s1.postimage.org/xBZ_9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxxBZ_9)

click to enlarge....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on March 07, 2010, 10:02:09 pm
David...
I have a some repairs that need to be done, does she make house calls???
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on March 07, 2010, 11:04:50 pm
I'd like to hire her also to replace some GOOD light bulbs....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on March 08, 2010, 12:28:40 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='33450' dateline='1267999398'

.


OLD BUT NOT STUPID’
So, I asked a neighbour. Then I held the ladder while the light bulb was being replaced.


Looks like some quality bulbs there.  They look fine to me.  Not sure I'd want them replaced.  Maybe they just needed to be tightened up a bit?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on March 08, 2010, 01:05:48 am
How about "Why men like Football"

click on the picture to find out why.....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on March 08, 2010, 11:18:13 am
Subject: Coma
 
A woman was in a coma. She had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
 
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
 
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
 
The husband said, 'I'm not sure...maybe she choked.'
 
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Recently a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.



The only question asked was:-


"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"



The survey was a huge failure because of the following:



In Eastern Europe they didn't  know what "honest" meant.



In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.



In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.



In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.



In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.



In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.



In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES......

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part
of Arizona when her car broke down....
 
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.
 
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it
echoed from the surrounding hills.
 
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
 
' What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.
 
'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around
his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
 
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 08, 2010, 03:03:54 pm
.

Job Application....

This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on March 08, 2010, 08:30:41 pm
THIS IS GOOD!!!!!!!!
 

 
> Dam Notice
>> This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
>
> SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
>
>
> Dear Mr. DeVries:
>
> It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
>
> A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
>
> The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
>
> We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
>
> The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2008.
>
> Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> David L. Price
> District Representative and Water Management Division.
>
> Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
>
>
>
> Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
>
> Dear Mr. Price,
>
> Your certified letter dated 11/25/07 has been handed to me to respond to.
> I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
>
> A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
>
> I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
>
> These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
>
> My first dam question to you is:
>
> (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
>
> (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
>
> If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Inform
> ation Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
>
> (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
> Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
>
> I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
>
> If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
>
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
>
> So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
>
> In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
>
> Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
>
> THANK YOU,
>
> RYAN DEVRIES
> & THE DAM BEAVERS
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

 


YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 10, 2010, 02:39:52 pm
.


Outdoor Sports - Irish Style

Two  Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk  over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy,  'Dat's  dem..'


The owner comes over and asks if he can  help  them.

'Yeah,  we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat  cage up dere,' says  Gerry.

The  owner puts the budgies in a cardboard  box.

Paddy  and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and  get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of  the  Connor   Pass.  

At  the  Connor   Pass  , Gerry looks  down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks  like a grand  place..'

He  takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each  shoulder and jumps off the  cliff.

Paddy  watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all  the way to the bottom, killing himself stone  dead.

Looking  down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes  his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping  is too fook'n dangerous for  me!'


THERE'S  MORE...

Moment's  later; Seamus arrives up at  ConnorPass.

He's  been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge  of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one  hand and a shotgun in the  other.

'Hi,  Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus  says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly  free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff  with the  gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and  shoots the  parrot.

Seamus  continues to plummet down and down until he hits  the bottom and breaks every bone in his  body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook me, ....And I'm never trying  dat parrotshooting  either!'


IT  IS NOT OVER  YET...

Paddy  is just getting over the shock of losing two  friends when Sean  appears.

He's  also been to the pet shop and is carrying a  cardboard box out of which he pulls a  chicken.

Sean  then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down  until he hits a rock and breaks his spine...

Once  more Paddy shakes his  head.

'Fook  dat, lads... First dere was Gerry with his Budgie Jumping, den Seamus Parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n  Hengliding!'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 10, 2010, 05:04:55 pm
.

British Humour?


Very politically incorrect British Humour....


Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


======= =========================================


During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

================================================


Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


================================================


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

================================================


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits...


================================================



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


================================================


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet..

I shouted up to him, "So What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 10, 2010, 06:58:21 pm
.

Sexy Secretary

Joe: "Your secretary is very sexy."

John: "Thanks. It's a robot from Japan. I named it "Sweety".

If you squeeze its right breast, it takes notes. If you squeeze the left, it types. I'll lend it to you for a day and you can see for yourself.

Next day Joe called from hospital and shouted: "John you BASTARD, you did not tell me Sweety's female organ is a pencil sharpener.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on March 10, 2010, 07:15:29 pm
:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Teaches Him , to think with the wrong Head in the Office .
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on March 10, 2010, 09:26:34 pm
Japan already makes girl robot's, don't give them any idea's.....:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on March 11, 2010, 01:24:05 pm
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
 Mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'
 
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It
 reminded me of a peanut.'
 
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'
 
Sally replied, 'No... salty!'
 
Mom fainted
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 11, 2010, 07:40:08 pm
Now just let your mind Boggle!!!

http://www.usdebtclock.org/ (http://www.usdebtclock.org/)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on March 12, 2010, 12:06:59 am
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='34046' dateline='1268354408'

Now just let your mind Boggle!!!

http://www.usdebtclock.org/ (http://www.usdebtclock.org/)


Phew !!!!...that's seriously scary :s:s

David
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 13, 2010, 08:52:01 pm
Three Bulls

Three bulls were hanging out in the field with their cows. The biggest bull stood proud, gazing over his 75 cows. The next largest watched over his 50, and the young bull sat quietly, glad to have 25.

They noticed a truck pull into the farm with another bull roaring in the back of the truck. The biggest bull said, "No way he's getting any of my 75 cows, I need them all!"

The second bull puffed up and said, "He's not getting any of my 50, that's for sure!"

The young bull said, "It took me six months to get my 25 from you guys, he can't take mine!"

Out of the truck came the biggest, meanest, most ornery looking bull any of them had ever seen. The biggest bull said, "Well I guess he could have 25 of my cows."

The second bull agreed. "Yeah, he can have 25 of mine, no problem."

They looked over at the young bull, who was snorting, huffing, and kicking up dirt. The biggest bull said, "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

The raging little bull said, "I'm making damn sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 14, 2010, 09:18:08 am
.

Makes You Think.....


A little old lady was dozing in the chair , a elderly cat lying across her lap. All of a sudden there was a mighty flash and a genie appeared.

'What is your wish - mistress?' the genie inquired of the old lady.

Dreamingly awakening, the old lady thought for a moment or two,and then said, 'I would like to be young and beautiful again,and I would like Tom the cat to be turned into a handsome,virile young man'.

'You're wish is my command' uttered the genie.

And with a almighty flash of light the lady and the cat assumed the forms of a beautiful young women and a equally beautiful young man.

The young man glanced across at the wonderful young women,and taking her hand in his own, drew her towards his chest.Leaning his head towards her, he whispered softly beside her ear.

'I bet you're sorry now you had me neutered.'
.

CLIPS FROM COUNCIL HOUSING COMPLAINT LETTERS ....


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6.00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but still have no satisfaction.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 14, 2010, 11:39:34 am
.


Nuns!!!


One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 14, 2010, 01:15:44 pm
.


This Is A Classic One!!!


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the lavatory. Those who
remained, talked about their children.

The first man said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second man said, "That's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the gents and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day, he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 14, 2010, 02:57:14 pm
.


Jim & Edna


Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him up there to dry. WOW!!, ...How soon can I go home?”

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 14, 2010, 05:00:07 pm
.

Honeymoon Sex Report!!!

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mum took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." ...Mum fainted!!...
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 17, 2010, 06:19:08 pm
.

Offside Rule

Just a quickie question!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=7n-p44kKaWc (http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=7n-p44kKaWc)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 19, 2010, 03:36:38 pm
.


Dying


An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood
curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her
shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on
with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is
happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady,
'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

' Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already
got the holes for that.'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 20, 2010, 05:33:11 pm
.


Blonde Jokes

(Some you will have maybe seen before, some you won't have!!!  lol!!)



Blonde at Football Game

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"


Magic Mirror

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.


Passed Away

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned for his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"


More Blonde Q&A  

What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Cutting Pizza

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


Speeding Ticket

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


Blonde Cops

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."


You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You?ve got mail!”


The Circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"


Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!
 

First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."



Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
 


Blonde Painting the House

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.



Blonde Guy

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 20, 2010, 07:48:05 pm
.


Calories Burned During Sex:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.....................................12 Calories
Without her consent ...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands..................................... 8 Calories
With one hand ..................................... 12 Calories
With your teeth.................................. 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.......................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...........................................312 Calories
69 lying down......................................278 Calories
69 standing up...................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.....................................516 Calories
Doggy Style......................................396 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2..,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.............................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION
If you are:
20-29 years.......................................36 Calories
30-39 years........................................80 Calories
40-49 years......................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly...........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door........8,211 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Some of these results may vary.....haha!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 21, 2010, 02:57:28 pm
.


INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES......

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part
of Arizona when her car broke down....

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it
echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

' What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around
his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 23, 2010, 08:56:13 pm
.


The Pirate.


A seaman meet a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook,and eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and i was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? Well", Replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off".

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping ?," the sailor asked inceredulously. "Aye," said the pirate, "it was my first day with me hook!!!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 24, 2010, 02:00:58 pm
.
When Love Fades...

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "You can Sod Off. You're having soup,   ...... I was talking to the cat."


Well, at least one ''PLUS'' here, ....She's still in the kitchen!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on March 25, 2010, 02:22:07 am
OFFENDER:  YOUR HONOR, WHAT IS THE PENILTY FOR BIGAMY?

JUDGE      : TWO MOTHER-IN-LAWS
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on March 26, 2010, 02:12:04 am
75 is created but not populated.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 27, 2010, 04:20:39 pm
.


True British hospital stories

 

Doctor's orders -- try not to laugh too loud!!!

 
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. And yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.


Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient..


Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'


Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

He answered 'The patch' ! The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'


Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'


Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'


Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on March 29, 2010, 09:42:18 am
Ah those Irishmen are a lot alright !!!!!

 The usual threesome of an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman
 were drinking at a bar in Wales and comparing it to their own local
 drinking establishments,

 "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
 home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
 goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
 the fifth drink."

 "Well Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion,
 the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

 "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub,
 the  moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like actually.

Then when you have had enough drinks,  they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."

 The Englishman and the Scotsman were suspicious of the claims, But the  Irishman swore every word was true.

 "Did this actually happen to you?"

 "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister quite a few times."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on March 30, 2010, 06:21:48 pm
.

Husbands and shopping


Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along shopping. This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
?
Dear Mrs. Murray,
?
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
?
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
?
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove.
?
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
?
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
?
11. November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
?
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
?
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
?
And; last, but not least:
?
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
.



Heaven.....


An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free, every day...."


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran flakes. We could have been here 10 years ago!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 01, 2010, 08:13:12 pm
.


The Devil.............

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

.

HOT TOPIC.....


Sweating like............

Gary glitter in pc world..

Micheal barrymore at apool party....

A cyproit graveyard keeper....

A fat kid in a sweet shop...........

Obama making a speech in Alabama..........

An epileptic watching a strobe light............

Raymonoff windsurfing.....

Hitler at a barmitzva.....

A priest at choir practice....

Any Cypriot in a vegetarian restaurant....

Most Cypriot men in non-smoking restaurants...

A Jewish guy at a cash machine.

A Greek at there next Budget time..

A Reggae band at a kkk meeting!!!!

Tiger woods at alimony court.....

.

.


The Italian Lover....

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the
last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "so, ...You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "I already tell you Guido. ...Noooo, I Danish!!!"

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on April 03, 2010, 11:47:44 am
UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 03, 2010, 01:31:47 pm
.


Important To Know.....

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. For the life of me. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings mate!!!...

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the ONLY war, ...where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 03, 2010, 08:00:59 pm
.


What little children have learned!!!

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on April 03, 2010, 08:21:10 pm
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH??

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left???  

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


 
 

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR


 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....... beautiful!''


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.


 
 

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 04, 2010, 07:32:59 pm
.

Beer drinkers be aware!


Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8)Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!! "Statistically significant
.

Filipino Wage Increase In Cyprus

Filipino maid asked for a pay increase.
Wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .
She asked: 'Now Julita, why do you want a pay increase?'
Julita: 'Well, are three reason I want increase.'
The first is, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Julita: 'The secon' reason, I am better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'Third reason is, I much better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Madam...the gardener, he did.'
Pause---
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 05, 2010, 03:45:23 pm
.

Solving Midlife Crisis!


After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,
'Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

'Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.'

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed..............

I shut up and took out the trash...

Aren't women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

.



New Car for Women

Renault and Ford are working together on an exciting new project to create the first car specifically designed for women. They will be combining the best of Renault's Clio with Ford's Taurus. The name of the hybrid vehicle is thus likely to be Clitaurus.

It will only be produced in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if given directions. Rumour has it however, that monthly leakage of transmission fluid continues to be a problem and that it can be a bitch to start in the morning..........


.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 06, 2010, 04:19:46 pm
.

A Brave Englishman.....


An Englishman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the Englishman offered.

"Once, on holidays in Cyprus I went for a walk down bar street in Paphos,

I came across a gang of Pontians, who were threatening a young tourist girl.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed

Pontian and smacked him in his face, kicked him in the nuts,

ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the

lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed,



"So when did this happen?"



"Just a couple minutes ago..."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 06, 2010, 07:35:13 pm
.


9 Things I Hate About Everyone!!  lol!!


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people really do this?


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid £10 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Whitie on April 08, 2010, 08:44:30 am
:rolleyes:

How to give a cat a pill

I saw a post of a cat getting wet. I got this as an e-mail and thought I was funny.

NOTE: No cats were harmed while writing this!!! Enjoy

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.Call spouse from garden..

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,hold front and rear paws.Ignore low growls emitted by cat.Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit.Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.Get another pill. Open another beer.. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.Force mouth open with dessert spoon.Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer.Fetch bottle of scotch.Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new ne from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 11, 2010, 01:42:06 pm
.


Story time for girls


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed???..and Who the hell are you???

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 16, 2010, 11:20:36 am
.


Brian Sulllivan?


A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well don't get me wrong, but i never actually met Brian. He died years ago. .... But I'm  married to his f**kin' widow."
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 16, 2010, 03:09:42 pm
.

TALKING GONG


A DRUNK was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You arsehole, it's three o'clock in the bloody morning!"
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on April 22, 2010, 11:53:10 am
Have  you ever wondered where and how yodeling  began?

Many  years ago a man was traveling through the  mountains of Switzerland.  Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had  nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and  asked the farmer if he could spend the  night.

The  farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.  As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked  her father, 'Who is that man going into the  barn?'

'That  fellow traveling through,' said the farmer,  'needs a place to stay for the night, so I told  him he could sleep in the  barn.'
The  daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she  prepared him a plate of food for him and then  took it out to the barn.

About  an hour later, the daughter returned. Her  clothing disheveled and straw in her hair.  Straight up to bed she  went.

The  farmer's wife was very observant. She then  suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So  she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the  barn, and she too did not return for an hour.  Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned  incorrectly. She also headed straight to  bed.

The  next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got  up and continued on his journey, waving to the  farmer as he left.
When  the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor  was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he  leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried.  'We made such passionate love last  night!'

'What?'  shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the  house looking for the man, who by now was  halfway up the mountain.
The  farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get  you! You had sex with my  daughter!'

The  man looked back down from the mountainside,  cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled  out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 23, 2010, 04:38:51 pm
.

Life, ... JUST Isn't Fair!!!!

(http://s2.postimage.org/7RyX9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Ts7RyX9)
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 23, 2010, 06:42:52 pm
.

Cold Hands....

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'.

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 23, 2010, 07:51:47 pm
.

Beer Drinkers Be Aware!!!!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8)Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!! ......"Statistically significant!!!''
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on April 23, 2010, 09:26:41 pm
You might be a redneck if:

1.  every socket in your house breaks a fire code

2.  Your truck has a two tone paint job, primer red and primer grey.

3.  Your hunting dog costs more than the truck you drive him around in.

4.   You've totaled every vehicle you've owned.

5.   You have to go out back to get to the fridge.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on April 23, 2010, 09:31:29 pm
6. You consider an old toilet as a wonderful plant pot to put in your front yard garden.

Fess up Don, you got one, don't you. :icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on April 23, 2010, 09:43:21 pm
thinking about it...haha, trouble is, I am afraid that one of my neighbors might use it....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 24, 2010, 04:40:50 pm
.


Why Are Americans Jobless ?

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 a.m.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES ) .
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with Gas (from SAUDI ARABIA ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA .

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA )


I reckon that most of this could well apply to any western country!!!!!  lol!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on April 24, 2010, 10:09:22 pm
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
 
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Can you cry under water?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
What disease did cured ham actually have?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
 
They're going to see you naked anyway.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto
remains on all fours?
 
They're both dogs!
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Dave C
Warning: Wrap your own gifts

 

 

 

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart, and as they had not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike just the right note---romantic but not too personal.

 

Accompanied by his friend, he went to Nordsroms and bought a pair of white gloves.  His friend bought a pair of silk panties for his wife.

 

In Gift Wrap, the clerk unknowingly mixed up the items—the friend got the gloves and the young man got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

 

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  Originally, I was going to buy you the long ones with buttons, but then I remembered that your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I know these are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.  I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.  When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during this coming year.  I hope you will wear them for on Friday night."

 

All my love,  Ted

 

Ps. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A  WOMAN.....

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild,
fertile and  naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to
trade, especially  for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very  hot, relaxed, and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a  woman is like Greece: gently  aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and  50, a woman is like Great Britain:  with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman  is like Israel: has  been through war and doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, takes care of  business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada:  self-preserving, but open to
meeting new people.

After 70, she  becomes Tibet: wildly  beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages...only those  with an adventurous spirit and a thirst
for spiritual knowledge visit  there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN....

Between 1 and 70, a man is  like Iran: Ruled by  nuts.

Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on April 25, 2010, 09:17:14 pm
Found these in an old e-mail. I personally like the one about the ATM machine.

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..



Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..



Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens

our skin?



Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?



Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on April 26, 2010, 11:33:18 am
Blind?


A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

 She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
 

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

 
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

 
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on April 26, 2010, 09:40:53 pm
DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.


YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.


PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.



SINCERLY,
MANAGEMENT
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 02, 2010, 10:02:54 am
.

ID Ten T ??
 
 
 I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'
No,' I replied.
 
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'  
 
-
-
-
-
-

So I wrote down:  I D. I 0. T.!!!!!  
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 02, 2010, 03:55:16 pm
.

 Indian Cow
 
 
(Just for Laugh)

The only cow in a small town in America stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in  India quite
Cheaply.

They brought the cow from  India and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought an American  bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd  never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."


The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before
asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in  India ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from India
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in  India ? "

The Vet replied with a sad distant look in his eyes, .....


"I have the same problem with my wife, and ....My wife is also from India"

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on May 03, 2010, 03:44:18 pm
Now this is Funny in my Book :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

I must be popular here for some reason other than giving advice . Received this morning , guess somebody doesn't know I'm happyly Married or doesn't care .:@

 
Unregistered
   
 
hello
To: Arnold
Hi my dear,
My name is Grace, i would like to establish a true relationship with you in one love. please send email to me at, (graceappiah25@yahoo.de), i will reply to you with my picture and tell you more about myself.
thanks and remain blessed for me,
your new friend Grace
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 04, 2010, 05:53:01 pm
.

Exercise for people over 50!!

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level...

put just a few potato's in each bag .
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 04, 2010, 05:59:28 pm
yes but make sure they are small potatoes.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 06, 2010, 05:44:29 pm
.

Getting Old!!!!

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time......but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'



THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on May 08, 2010, 01:51:29 am
Missouri River fishing   Another Minnow...    This is a darn interesting picture and story even if you aren't into fishing, But please show it to anyone you know that likes to fish.  FYI:  This sturgeon is still alive, just worn out from the fight. As the sports fishermen they are, they turned him loose after the photo.   This Sturgeon was caught in the
 Missouri River , North of Bismarck, North Dakota two weeks ago. It weighed out at over 1,000 lbs and measured out at 11'1".   It was 56" around the girth and took over 6 and a half hours, and 4 dozen beers, for the 4 guys taking turns at the reeling it in.  Any Sturgeon OVER about five feet has to be released unharmed and cannot be removed from the water.  They are brood / breeding stock and probably older than most of us.

But I think it should be titled; The boys from China love forum go fishing.....

come to think of it, it does look like Willy, Shaun, Irishman, Martin, Scottish Rob, and a few others there....LOL
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 08, 2010, 05:32:28 am
You have to let go? There are steaks there for the rest of your life.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on May 08, 2010, 05:48:58 am
I suppose the one laying down in front of them all looks a bit like me on a bad day.  The rest belong to the Shaun lookalike club and all sport the obligatory goatee.


Willy
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 08, 2010, 01:05:29 pm
.

Who painted this?


Guess who painted this??? It's called "The Philosophers Throne"


(http://s3.postimage.org/x1_KA.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pqx1_KA)

And it's for Sale!! .....Willy is asking for substantial bids, to acquire this exceptional work of art!!!....

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 09, 2010, 06:21:40 pm
.
Happily Ever After!!!

Sounds so familiar

How a marriage works
all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but
at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying,


"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen
that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie
roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right
back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the
oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork
strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer
in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing
snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't
f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"


.........and, they lived happily ever after.

.
.



THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car.

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on May 09, 2010, 10:17:35 pm
That is a good one...LOL
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 11, 2010, 11:57:41 am
.


The Lodger


A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 11, 2010, 01:13:12 pm
.


LOSING A FRIEND  - Too touching not to send on



This is a very touching story about life, death and friends. It's certain to strum your heartstrings and touch your soul.

I normally don't send out mushy e-mails to everyone, but this one below I couldn't help. ... I'm really still choked up over it!!!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*


(http://s1.postimage.org/3YeQS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 11, 2010, 01:26:47 pm
.


LOSING A FRIEND  - Too touching not to send on!!!!


This is a very touching story about life, death and friends. It's certain to strum your heartstrings and touch your soul.

I normally don't send out mushy e-mails to everyone, but this one below I couldn't help. ... I'm still choked up over it!!!!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

(http://s1.postimage.org/3YeQS.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 11, 2010, 05:09:06 pm
.


Balance on Earth......


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.  ....."Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"!!!!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on May 11, 2010, 05:41:51 pm
On behalf of the few Native Aussies left alive after the Brits finished with them, I think you do aboriginals a big dis-service !!!

In fact, I wouldnt be surprised if a Kadaicha Man visited you in the dead of night and infected your groin with the fleas from a thousand Kangaroos !!!:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 11, 2010, 05:46:51 pm
.


Australian Husband Requirement....

An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become Irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the Englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and says "I am terribly sorry, there has been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"
The Englishman sits up and simply says "She'll be right, mate"

.
.


Pommie One Liner Jokes....


What do you call a Pom cricketer with a 100 next to his name? Answer: A bowler

Why are British prisons some of the "safest" in the world? Answer: There's no soap in the showers.

What have cricket bats and soap got in common? Answer: The poms have forgotten how to use either.

What is the definition of dry? Answer: A pommie bastard's bath mat

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on May 12, 2010, 11:51:59 am
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a pizza, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge .. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame  .    Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams  .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. '

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?    I think not.'

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!'

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza.'

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the '  Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.    And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.   In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.     Excessive intake of alcohol, as we  know, kills brain cells.    But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 12, 2010, 12:19:26 pm
.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


________________________________________________________



Important Zen Teachings


1. Do not walk behind me, I maynot lead, Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.In fact just piss off and leave me alone.

2.The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3.The darkest hour is just befor dawn, So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk that's the time to do it.

4.Sex is like air, It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. No one is listering, ... until you fart.

6.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortage payments.

8.If at fist you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . Neither of them works.


.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on May 12, 2010, 12:28:54 pm
David,

In your Zen teachings, number 5 is usually when the air becomes very important too!! Hahahaha!!

Dave C
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 12, 2010, 12:47:03 pm
.

What Starts With F and Ends in K?

A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Mrs. Graber says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Mrs. Graber asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Mrs. Graber: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Mrs. Graber: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Mrs. Graber: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Mrs. Graber: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Mrs. Graber: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... '
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 12, 2010, 06:46:53 pm
.


My boss's lame Cricket jokes about Pommie Bastards


Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason


Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.


Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost
always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.


Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An all-rounder.


Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have
over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.


Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.


Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.


Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?

A. Because he was born in England.


Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.


Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.


Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.


If the Poms are batting first, tell the taxi to wait!


_________________________________________________________



Pommie Joke About Australians....


A Pommie bastard goes to Australia with his shiela; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks,
"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The pom replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the pommie shiela says, "Look, another one!" and the pom says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find an Aussie with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The pom charges in and says to the manager,
"Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on May 13, 2010, 01:07:01 am
HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.  


 

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :  


 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  


 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  


 

 One student, however, wrote the following:  

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  


  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


 

This gives two possibilities:  


  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.  

So which is it?  

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'  

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 13, 2010, 05:24:01 am
It was either that or she was complaining about how bad he was and that she should have stuck with her original idea.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 13, 2010, 12:58:54 pm
.

Defective Parrot!


A bloke is not getting along so well with his wife, thinks maybe he'd
like to have a pet, goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots
a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Christ, I wonder what happened to this
parrot."

.

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," he laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood
what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I'm a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked I'll tell you. I wrap my weenie around this wooden
bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."

"Wow," he says, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at
ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "£100!" he says. "I can't afford
that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me 'cos I don't have any feet, I'm defective remember,
I reckon you can get me for £10, just make an offer."

The bloke offers the £10 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great
mate, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice. The
man is delighted.

One he comes home from work and the parrot says, "psst," and motions
him over with one wing. Bloke goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but
it's about your wife and the postman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today your
wife greeted him in a sheer night-gown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?"

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the night-gown and
began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh no! Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the night-gown, got down on his knees and began
kissing her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and
down..." The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what happened? What happened?!" asks the frantic man.

"Sorry, I don't know," says the parrot, "that's when I got an erection and fell off me perch."



_____________________________________________



AUSSIE PUSSY....

An Aussie steps into a lift, ...inside is a very pretty girl..He looks her straight in the eye and says ..Can i smell your Pussy luv ..shock horror she replies, ....NO YOU BLOODY CANT YOU RUDE GIT..
He says's, ... Sorry, ...Well it must be your FEET then Sheila....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 13, 2010, 03:57:16 pm
.

Filipino wage increase in Cyprus

Filipino maid asked for a pay increase.
Wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .
She asked: 'Now Julita, why do you want a pay increase?'
Julita: 'Well, are three reason I want increase.'
The first is, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Julita: 'The secon' reason, I am better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'Third reason is, I much better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Madam...the gardener, he did.'
Pause---
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

.
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 13, 2010, 05:46:36 pm
A Teacher's Story About Stuttering

THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE MOST INNOCENT LITTLE STORIES THAT I HAVE COME ACROSS.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.".

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!".

"That must've been scary!", said the teacher.

"It sure was.", said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F**off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on May 13, 2010, 06:25:07 pm
Is this what we've been Con-Demed to?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg-4ATrE8n0
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 14, 2010, 12:10:08 pm
Philip,

One things for sure, ....It's not looking Good!!!!  Seems all that was said before the election has been tossed into touch already!!! Like the old adage says, ....There are liars, ....and then there are Politicians!!!!

David....
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 14, 2010, 06:16:34 pm
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='38664' dateline='1273853408'

Philip,

One things for sure, ....It's not looking Good!!!!  Seems all that was said before the election has been tossed into touch already!!! Like the old adage says, ....There are liars, ....and then there are Politicians!!!!

David....


And the politicians make the liars look like saints!
Title: RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on May 14, 2010, 11:45:29 pm
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will

fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling the AAA is not an option.  I will win.

______________________________________________

 

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,

I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say

to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now

with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know

where to start.'  We will then drink a couple of beers and

break wind, as a form of holy communion.  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone

to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and

moan.  You're a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so

for you, this is no problem.  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread.  I cannot be

expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.'  For all I

know, these are the same thing.  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops

working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that

this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person

gets here and has to put it back together.  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote

control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been

misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though

one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....

( applies to engineers mainly).

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm

thinking about.  The true answer is always either sex, cars,

sex, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when

you ask, so don't ask.  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or

have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she

calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever

you got her for Mother's Day is okay;  I don't need to see it.

And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the

movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't

...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will

      certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I

thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,

too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it,

looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?  

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I

will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry,

the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,

and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden

with a beer wondering what to do.  

This has been a public service message for women to

better understand men
How to handle grief.




http://thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=896
Little Known Facts.....

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus?  

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a crappy outlook on life.

 
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on May 19, 2010, 06:24:53 am
When to start cussing,

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.  The 6 year old asks, "you know what? I think it's time we started cussing." "YOU KNOW MOM AND DAD USE CUSS WORDS SOMETIMES"? The 4 year old nods his head held in approval.  The 6 year old continues, "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say say something with ass." "mabey that will get their attention".  The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.  When they get downstairs mother asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he reply's "AW HELL, mom I guess I'll have some Cheerios".  Mother is busy washing a big black spider (for those of you who don't know, this was a big black iron frying pan) and she had the spider in her hand as she was rinsing it off in the sink.  WACK! Mother takes one swing at the 6 year old.  He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "you can stay there until I let you out!"  She then comes back downstairs, and looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST", young man?"  "I don't know he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

-------------------------------------------------
The sheriff pulls up next to a guy dumping garbage out of his pickup truck into a ditch.  The sheriff asked "why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? "Don't you see that sign over there" "Yep" he replied.  "Thats why I'm dumping it here, cause it says: FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on May 19, 2010, 01:10:57 pm
The Talking Centipede     


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.



He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.



So he asked the centipede in the box,   "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."



But there was no answer from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutesand then asked again,  "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"



But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.



The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,  "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
...
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ....


This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 22, 2010, 09:18:25 am
.

The Preacher


The Preacher says, "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward to the front, at the altar!"

Lenny gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Lenny, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Lenny replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Lenny's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Lenny's head and prays and prays and prays he prays for Lenny.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Lenny, how is your hearing now?"

Lenny says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on May 26, 2010, 12:08:32 pm
Subject: Priceless

                      The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He
 did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
 beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

                      The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her
 horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through
 the intersection,  dropping her cell phone and makeup.

                      As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
 window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The
 officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

                      He took her to the police station where she was
 searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

                      After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
 cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
 where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

                      He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see,
 I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off
 the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the ' Choose Life ' license plate holder,
 the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
 Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had
 stolen the car.''

                      Priceless
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on May 26, 2010, 12:42:22 pm
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said  $25 .00




"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."




The woman thought about this, but decided  she had to have the bird anyway.   She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "new house, new madam."




The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,  "new house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

  "Hi Keith." 
 ::) ;D ::)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 27, 2010, 03:51:38 pm
.

Al Qaeda on strike


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs < or B.O.O.M. > responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokesmen for the union in the North East of England, Liverpool, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

The Scottish Al Qaeda spokesman said they had not had any volunteers since the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Scottish Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not at all keen on going to paradise.

.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 28, 2010, 02:07:41 pm
.

Can't remember if i've posted this before, but just recieved it again in my mail box, and it still put a grin on my face!!  So it should do the same here too ...haha!!!!



Foster Lager


An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into
a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and
notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to
his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says
no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is
travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him
again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some
attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so
she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in
Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,² What number?"


He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.


"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still
live there!"



"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 28, 2010, 02:46:26 pm
.

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands.

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


Don't you just have to love ....Our Little Johnny!!!! ...hahaha!!!!


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 28, 2010, 03:03:48 pm
.

Wisdom

Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied:

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
There No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex.''

Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added,


"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 28, 2010, 03:39:50 pm
.

The Shepherd & The City Slicker

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a
cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a
database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an
email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young
man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here
although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap
about my business. Now give me back my collie dog."

.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 31, 2010, 12:20:30 pm
.

CHILDREN!!!......

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

 
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.  Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." 

 

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only ten years old. Where will you two live?"  Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

 

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.  You'll need to support Jenny.  Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine." 

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.  'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question.  What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"  Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little shit is Adorable!!!!..........................
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on May 31, 2010, 06:05:25 pm
.

The Mistress.....

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman in a very tight revealing dress comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "And Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes and Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club, the maid and the credit cards will go and some of your jewellery will have to sold. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

The wife thinks a while - ........."Ours is much prettier," she replies
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 01, 2010, 03:26:47 pm

For Sale


(http://s1.postimage.org/iqrFq0.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/)


Now ain't that the TRUTH!!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 01, 2010, 06:47:23 pm
.

Lame (but true) Airline Joke....

A guy sitting at an airport bar in New York noticed a beautiful woman in uniform sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? "

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh shit, she doesn't work for Delta".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said . . .

"Ahhh, Cyprus Airways!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 01, 2010, 07:02:57 pm
.

Little April


Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she
slept through the class.

One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was

paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair
behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and
April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and
Saviour,"But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS
CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good,"



And April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam

after she had their twenty-third child?"



And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.

This time April jumped up and shouted,

"IF YOU STICK THAT F##KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT
IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher just stood there , ...with her mouth wide open, ....Gob Smacked!!!!!.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on June 02, 2010, 08:10:47 am
Subject: Women of the World
>>
>> The first man married a woman from Australia. He told her that she was
>> to do the dishes and house cleaning... It took a couple of days,
>> but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
>> washed and put away.
>>
>> The second man married a woman from U.K. He gave his
>> wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
>> cooking.
>> The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he
>> saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was
>> clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the
>> table.
>>
>> The third man married a woman from NZ.
>> He ordered her to keep the house
>> clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
>> washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
>> first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
>> anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
>> had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm
>> was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
>> dishwasher, although he still has some difficulty when he pees.
>>
>>
>> God Bless New Zealand
 

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on June 02, 2010, 09:21:20 am
There was a couple who had been married for over 30 years.  The man was happy but the wife was not.  She was fed up with his habits.  One such habit was that every morning when he woke up he would pass gas.  Now this wasn't any normal gas passing.  It was the loud shaking the rafters type.  It was also of the putrid smelling kind.  If the wife was in bed she would leave immediately and head for the kitchen to fix breakfast just to avoid the smell.

Everyday it was the same thing, over and over and over again for 30 plus years.  Whether she was in bed or downstairs in the kitchen, when her husband appeared she would tell him the same thing.  She would say, "Dear, one of the days you are going to do that and your insides are going to come right out of your butt."  He would say, "Yah.. I know... you say it every day."  He would silently chuckle to himself.  He took great delight in annoying her.

It was bright and early one Thanksgiving morning and the wife was down in the kitchen 2 hours early to prepare the Thanksgiving turkey.  Many guests would be over later.  She was taking the insides of the turkey out when what she though was a marvelous idea struck her.

She took the guts and gizzard and put them in the microwave.  She warmed them up to body temperature.  She gently went back upstairs to their bedroom.  As quietly and gently as possible she pealed back the covers on her husbands side of the bed.  She was being extra careful as to not wake him.  She reached down and pealed his underwear back exposing his manhood and gently placed the guts and gizzard underneath his balls between his legs.  Gently she put everything back to normal and crept slowly back downstairs.  She was snickering like a school girl and waited with anticipation for 30 minutes before the alarm clock went off.

30 minutes later the alarm went off.  There was a loud earth shattering sound of flatulence, shortly thereafter followed by and equally as loud scream by her husband.    There was quite a commotion upstairs.  The wife laughed and laughed.  She tried hard to contain herself but it was too funny.  She had got even after all of these years.  Then she heard him walking around upstairs followed by him taking a shower.

About 1 your later he came downstairs as his wife was working over the sink.  He walked up to her and kissed her on the back of the head.  She could barely contain herself.  He said, "Honey, I will never doubt you again.  You absolutely know what you are talking about and I will stop farting every morning when I wake up.  You see this morning I farted and just like you said, my insides fell out...  But by the grace of God and these two fingers I got everything back in."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 02, 2010, 07:23:20 pm
.

English Weather ??‏

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as .....''English Weather..'

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'

In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 03, 2010, 10:29:42 am
Joke
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 05, 2010, 05:06:58 pm

Ever Wondered What Is The Point????



(http://s1.postimage.org/bNZca9.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxbNZca9)


Click on picture to enlarge...
 
They may sing and they may dance but one things for Sure, ....They are NOT the Spice Girls!!!!
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 05, 2010, 05:14:29 pm
,

Clever Dog....

A man waiting in a queue at a grocers notices a dog in the line with a bag attached to its back and a note in it’s mouth. When the dog gets to the front of the queue he puts his front paws on the counter and the man behind the counter takes the note, reads it and proceeds to fill the order. When the order is complete he places the items in the dogs bag and waits. The dog reaches into a side pocket and produces a wallet. He counts out the correct amount of money, counts his change, gives the grocer a nod and walks out of the shop.

The man still standing in the queue is amazed and decides to follow the dog to see where it lives. He notices the dog a few metres away by the side of the road at some traffic lights. The dog lifts up a paw and presses the button on the light and waits for them to change and promptly crosses as the man follows. As they walk along the pavement the dog notices an old lady has dropped her umbrella which he picks up and gives back to the lady. She thanks him and the dog nods to her and walks on. Several more fantastic things happen on the way home, which never ceases to amaze the man in tow.

Eventually the dog stops at the front gate of a house, opens it and walks up to the house. He gets up on his back legs once again and rings the doorbell and sits and waits for it to be opened. Suddenly the door flies and a big pot bellied man in a string vest rushes out and starts to punch and kick the dog. The man following cannot believe what he is seeing and rushes up to the house shouting at the man to stop.

“What are you doing” he screams “That is the most gifted dog I have ever seen and you are mistreating it. Why”.

The man beating the dog stops only long enough to shout, “ Before he went out I told the little shit to take his key”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 05, 2010, 05:22:25 pm
.


Three from Paddy and Murphy


Murphy calls round to see his friend, Paddy, who's housebound with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are feckin freezin. Could you nip upstairs and fetch me slippers ?".
"No bother", says Murphy and runs upstairs, where he sees Paddy's stunning, 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello, girls. Yer pa sent me up to shag you both".
"Feck off, you liar" say the girls.
Murphy says, "I'll prove it to you, and shouts down the stairs,

"Both of them, Paddy ?."

"Of course both, ...What's the use of just f#cking one???!!!".

 
Farmers Paddy and Murphy had just finished ploughing a field, and were both sat in the tractor cab towing the plough behind them. Just as they exited the field through a gate, and were broadside across the narrow country lane, a sports car came round the bend at high speed! Seeing the lane completely blocked, and going too fast to be able to stop, in order to avoid a collision with the hefty tractor and plough, the sports car driver steered through the gateway that Paddy and Murphy had just come out of. The car hit the lines of earth where the plough had been - rolled over 17 times, and burst into flames.
"Bejaysus" said Paddy to Murphy, "we only just got out of that field in time!"


Paddy and Murphy are having a few pints in their local, when Paddy realises he's going to be late home. As he had previously promised his wife that he wouldn't be late, he decided to ring her with an excuse. When he rejoined Murphy in the bar, he said "Bejaysus Murphy, you won't believe what I've just heard! I was phoning the wife when I must have got a crossed line, and I heard someone saying that they're going to assassinate the Pope tomorrow."
"Paddy me boy" says Murphy, "we can make a fortune out of this information. Get yourself into the bookies, and put all of our money on the Pope being murdered tomorrow." Off went Paddy into the nearest bookies, and placed the bet at odds of 1000/1.
The following day, they were both in the pub again just as the lunchtime news came on the radio. A grim sounding newscaster announced the breaking news that the Pope had been shot and killed on the balcony of the Vatican. "We're rich, we're rich!" cried Murphy ...........
"Not just yet" said Paddy, "I've done him as a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 05, 2010, 08:20:45 pm

What!!...NO SEX??

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

===============================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:


I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 06, 2010, 06:49:08 am
Here are 39 Phrases of Wisdom...
 

01. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

02. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

03. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

04. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

05. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

06. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

07. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

08. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

09. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 06, 2010, 07:01:35 am

Harsh But Fair


Well, .....this is a novel way to dump the girlfriend!!!  lol!!


http://www.filecabi.net/video/radio-dumper.html (http://www.filecabi.net/video/radio-dumper.html)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 06, 2010, 02:49:48 pm
.



Retired People....

An Oldie, ...but can still bring a grin to your face!!!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care at all. I always come into town by my local bus. ....I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. I think It's important at my age.....
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 06, 2010, 03:58:49 pm
.

The Post Mortem

A Pathologist turned up for work, and asked his mortuary assistant what they had in store for that day. "We had three in last night" he replied, "all men".
"Ok" said the Pathologist, "let's get cracking".
Viewing the bodies, the Pathologist noticed that all three cadavers had wide smiles on their faces. "Do we know their history?" he asked. "Well, the first one is an 87 year old Frenchman, and he died whilst making love to his 18 year old bride, died happy, so hence the smile". "What about this one?" he said, pointing to the second body. "Ah, he was a Scotsman, and he won the lottery, and spent all his money on whisky and women, and died happy, hence the smile".
"And the third one?" inquired the Pathologist. "That's Paddy" replied the assistant, "He died after being struck by lightening". "Well why was he smiling about that?" asked the Pathologist. '' he thought he was having his photo taken!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 07, 2010, 01:46:05 pm
.

American in the UK...

A young American Back-Packer is on a train from london to Glasgow.
As the train moves away from the platform, and he starts looking for a seat.
The train is full but he does come to a section, where there's one seat available, but there's a small dog sitting on it, so he politely asks the lady, "excuse me ma'am, could you please move your dog, so that I can sit down".
The lady says, "NO, this seat is for my dog, so go along and find a seat elsewhere".
So the young American leaves to look for a seat at a different wagon, but soon comes back and says to the lady, "ma'am, the whole train is full, so could you please move your dog, so that I can sit down".
Once again the lady says "NO".
So the young American picks up the dog and throws it out of the moving train, and sits down.
An elderly Gentleman who was sitting across him say" you know, you Americans always do the wrong things".
First, you drive on the wrong side of the road.
Second, you always elect the wrong President and now, you have thrown the wrong Bitch out of the window
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 07, 2010, 02:18:10 pm
.

Phil and Eric

Two builders ( Phil and Eric ) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then.
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er...mmm. well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it.
Phil: - It's a pond.
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house, it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are, Quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not m*sturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive....thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a Logical Scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker!!!.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 07, 2010, 02:29:47 pm
.



Air Traffic Control


Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
***************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

I thought these were very good....
****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
*****************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
****************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 07, 2010, 06:26:00 pm
.
Age!!!

No matter what age you get to.....

(http://s1.postimage.org/4P5UCi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx4P5UCi)
click to enlarge...

Implants Last Forever!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on June 07, 2010, 07:00:52 pm
Yes but I bet they are as hard as a rock by now.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 08, 2010, 08:44:07 am
This goes with the lasting implants picture! Hahaha!

Gotta love us old-er GENTLEMEN !




A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility,
and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 08, 2010, 11:52:10 am


Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem. Many students who were 12-year-olds were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would have to remove them and the next day they would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called them all to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show them how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and proceeded to clean the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!!

 There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 08, 2010, 01:49:03 pm
THE JEWISH FUNERAL


 

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."


"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered
her
voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really...
$50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the
Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest
went
for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big
is it?"

"Exactly Five and a half carats dear!!!!

.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David5o on June 08, 2010, 02:57:01 pm

A Secret?


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied,  ...."I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 09, 2010, 09:23:37 pm
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John,
he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while
pouring the beers.

    'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

    'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car
and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

    'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...'

    'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

    'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ---
they're so arrogant and rude.'

    'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

    'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 09, 2010, 09:37:30 pm
I enjoyed this one and I think you will too.
     
     
 A   cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote   mountainous pasture in   Alberta  when   suddenly a brand-new  BMW   advanced toward him out of a cloud of   dust...
    The   driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci  shoes,RayBan  sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the  window and asked the  cowboy, "If I tell you exactly  how many cows and calves you  have in your herd, Will  you give me a calf?"   
   Bud   looks at the man, obviously  a  yuppie,   then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly  answers,  "Sure, Why   not?"
  The   yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook  computer,  connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell  phone, and surfs to a  NASA page on the Internet, where  he calls up a GPS satellite  to get an exact fix on his  location which he then feeds to  another NASA satellite  that scans the  area   in an ultra-high-resolution  photo.
   The   young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe  Photoshop and  exports it to an image processing  facility inHamburg ,   Germany .
   Within   seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that  the image  has been processed and the data  stored. He  then accesses an MS-SQL database  through an ODBC connected  Excel spreadsheet with email  on his Blackberry and, after a  few minutes, receives a  response.
   Finally,   he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his  hi-tech,  miniaturized HP LaserJet printer,turns to   the  cowboy   and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves..."   
   "That's   right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"  says Bud.   
   He   watches the young man select one of the animals and  looks on  with amusement as the young man stuffs it  into the trunk of  his car.
   Then   Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you  exactly  what your business is, will you give me back  my calf?" 
  The   young man thinks about it for a second and then says,  "Okay,  why not?"
 "You're   a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government",  says  Bud.
   "Wow!   That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you  guess  that?"
 "No   guessing required." answered   the cowboy. "You   showed up here even though nobody called you; you want  to get  paid for an answer I already knew, to a  question I never  asked. You  used millions  of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me  how  much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about  cows, for  that matter. This  is a herd  of  sheep.
Now give me back my dog. 

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 09, 2010, 09:53:37 pm
the people with cats can relate!!!  lol


 
 



 Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
 
       
 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
         
 
        Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...
     
         
 Day 983 of my captivity...
 
 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects..  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
 
 Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
 
 The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
 
 Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.  The bastards.
 
 There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
 
 Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches..  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded..

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........


 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 09, 2010, 10:12:32 pm
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.  Look what it has done to me?  Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.  I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.  'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.  So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.  They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.  The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on June 11, 2010, 07:50:02 pm
DRAFTING GUYS OVER
 
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...
New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a week maybe, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am.. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
 
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50....in menopause!!! You think old MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!



Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 15, 2010, 10:43:24 am
FIRST TIME SEX
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time...   

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms... He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack... The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 15, 2010, 10:47:52 am
BEST Newfie  PICK UP LINE
........EVER:

A Newfie walks into a  pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.   
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Newfie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Newfie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' It's an hour fast!'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on June 15, 2010, 11:30:09 pm
She is newest member of forum .. and she is available... says she is good kisser!!! .... but shy!!

Ok! well I tried ... for the lips are supposed to be antimated kissing,,,, for this is a gif file??
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 16, 2010, 05:27:30 pm
A wedding took place just outside St. John's, Newfoundland.  In  keeping with tradition, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and  groom's  families had a storming row. They began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.  The police got called in to break up the fight and the following week,all members of both families appeared in St. John's court.

The fight continued in the courtroom until the Judge finally brought  calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in the Court!" 

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stood up and says, "Your honor, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain  what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. 



Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is tradition at a St. John's wedding that the B EST Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "Okay. Continue."  "Well, said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music  kept going, so I danced to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when all of a sudden - the grooml leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick  right between her legs."



Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "Lord Thundering Jesus, that must have  hurt!" "HURT?" Paddy replies, "HE BROKE THREE OF MY FINGERS !!!!!!"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on June 17, 2010, 12:24:05 am
Did you know that in Arkansas there is no test for DNA ....

That's because everyone has the same DNA.... ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on June 17, 2010, 12:27:09 am
The definition of a Virgin in Arkansas is any girl that can outrun her brother.... ;D

The most used pickup line in Arkansas is :  Hey sis -  are you awake?


Ok Arkansas, and anyone from there, Just kidding ...... ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on June 17, 2010, 12:38:25 am
Yah!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 17, 2010, 09:05:53 am
Did you know that in Arkansas there is no test for DNA ....

That's because everyone has the same DNA.... ;D
Rocky,
The DNA test, isn't that the Drugs 'N Alcohol test?

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 18, 2010, 08:21:56 pm
Just had to post this. Found it in an old email.

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on June 19, 2010, 09:29:35 am
Our neighbors, the lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my
birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said
"I wanna watch".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on June 19, 2010, 10:03:43 am
as the immortal Redd Foxx used to say

marry an ugly woman so when she leaves you your happy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 20, 2010, 02:04:33 am
This reporter is having a problem breaking a window.


http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-ca&vid=982ab80c-de76-487c-817a-b51a13c7c2d9&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:3dda5789-d82a-4d42-91eb-191b17006036%2Cb4d553fd-d5b9-4241-ad48-bb442693c8b1&tab=m1209589337389&from=infopane (http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-ca&vid=982ab80c-de76-487c-817a-b51a13c7c2d9&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:3dda5789-d82a-4d42-91eb-191b17006036%2Cb4d553fd-d5b9-4241-ad48-bb442693c8b1&tab=m1209589337389&from=infopane)

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on June 20, 2010, 04:06:26 pm
In the news today...

BP announces a new GREEN way to transport oil to England.  The new method is cheaper and more efficent to get to market
the CEO anounced.  We simply let the oil flow in the gulf, when it rounds the corner of Florida, we simply let it float to England,
then scrape it up off the shoreline and ship it locally to a refinerey.  He announced that Iriland and Scottland would also be in with
the plans.  Although we may lose a little to the northern countrys like Iceland and finland, for the most part all the sludgey oil would
end up in England.  France announced that they could care less, since England would catch it for them, Germany had no statement
since they are landlocked, the Soviet Union also had no statement but commented there subs could "slip" in and out more easily.
Spain and others commented "our nude bathers" no longer have to put on suntan oil, since simply getting in the water gives them
a higher SPF with oil than they can buy in stores and its free!  Meanwhile, England in a special announcement, told the fishing
industry there that all was well and to fish on the other side of the Island.  The CEO of BP said the company plans more "accidents"
in the future to ensure a steady flow of oil and a steady flow of cash from the US.  We are very pleased he was quoted as saying,
that in the money department we are raking it in.  Stocks showed a steady rise at this announcement, and loads of "NEW" refinery's
are being planned at this moment in england, with one reportadly going in next door to Westminister Abby, and another in the princes
back yard.  Ah, yes one onlooker announced,  "IT will be good to breath all that heavy smog agian, I've missed it so much, I hardly
choke any more"
The oil is reportatly only to take several months floating at sea, to reach the english shores, from the time it pours from the gulf.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on June 23, 2010, 09:06:29 am
Just Wondering?
 

 
I took my dad to the  mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he  is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange & blue - and my dad kept  staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.

When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response - I knew he'd have a good one!

In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on June 23, 2010, 10:11:51 am
Funny !!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on June 25, 2010, 01:13:52 am
That is a tropical fish.... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on June 26, 2010, 10:34:24 pm
Passport application

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT


Best one yet. Hits the nail on the head!!

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows  that I
bought a cable TV from them in 1987  (22 years ago), and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?  Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form
I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and
my driver's license, It's on the last eight damn passports I've had, It's on
every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed
off the plane for the last 30 years.  And it's on all those census forms that we
have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert   and I'm reasonably confident that neither
name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fu___g address.
What is going on?   You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons
working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?  And "No," I don't want to
dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes.  I just want to go and park my ass on a
sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether
I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you
me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!


Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get
another fu____g copy of my birth certificate  to the tune of $100.


Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I

could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and
organization.  And it would be too logical for the fu____g government. 


You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut
off.  Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the
damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile.......Hey, you
know why we can't smile?


We're totally pissed off!

 

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

 

P.S.   Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the

picture is me?    Well, my family has been in the United States of America since
1776.  I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had
security clearances up the ying yang.  However, I have to get someone important
to verify who I am - you  know, someone like my doctor........   WHO WAS BORN
AND RAISED IN INDIA !

And you assholes want to run our health care system????? =



Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on July 05, 2010, 03:21:36 am

I would have put this up for the fourth if I was able to but I was delayed.


 
Rocket Launcher - WhiteTrashRepairs.com (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUYYBybyInQ&feature=player_embedded#)


Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on July 05, 2010, 07:20:15 am
at least you dont see that walking around china making whatever statement they are trying to make
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: rockycoon on July 05, 2010, 09:15:02 pm
Great holy moses that was a fantastic display.  Is the park still standing? ...  8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on July 22, 2010, 05:01:58 am
i was just talking to my brother on skype and the police back home arrested a lady who is also suspected of robbing two other banks. today she treid and did rob a bank but she locked her keys in the car and when the police showed up she was trying to break the window out to get in the car.  now how stupid is that  lol!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on July 22, 2010, 06:28:31 am















 One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

 He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

 As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
 possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

 Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
 Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet
 suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long
 has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

 "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
 sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
 lighter.

 He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and
 begorrah," said the castaway,
 Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish
 Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

 Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

 Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
 pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

 He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!"
 shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

 At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
 of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man
 and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

 With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,
 Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on July 22, 2010, 06:33:20 am


  An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring.

  The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

  At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.  'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler
said.  The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.  The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

  The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
'by check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write
it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

  Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. ' There's no money in
that account.'

  'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

 

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on July 22, 2010, 08:09:23 pm
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on July 22, 2010, 08:15:34 pm
Maxx,

this is a joke right???
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on July 24, 2010, 04:47:36 am
This ones for Shaun , cos he drives a bus , ha ha .
Subject: The seniors bus trip! Some of you will relate to this one!!!

 

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.   

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!' 

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies? 

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. 

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee.  I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'
 

                                             

 

 
 
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on July 24, 2010, 11:22:27 am
Maxx,

this is a joke right???

Ted I don't know what your talking about
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on August 14, 2010, 01:53:26 pm
Our Major of Los Angeles has finally thought of .. how to get the City back into the "Black" financially . Hope this will catch on in other Cities as well soon .

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on August 14, 2010, 02:27:43 pm
good ole LA traffic
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on August 14, 2010, 05:34:33 pm
A woman says to her husband, "You only ever think of sex when your drunk?"  The guy replies "That's not true, sometimes I think of a Pizza"...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on August 14, 2010, 09:21:49 pm
 ;)
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts. 
Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months! 

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had   
forgotten her morning ritual. 

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she   
stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby
doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.' 

A  guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked  'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on August 14, 2010, 09:43:31 pm
This is alarming  :o :o :o




         Beer contains female hormones!

         Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!


         Last month,   Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.  The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.




         To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.



         It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

         yes, 100% of all these men:




         1) Argued over nothing.


         2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.




         3) Gained weight.


         4) Talked excessively without making sense.




         5) Became overly emotional


         6) Couldn't drive.




         7) Failed to think rationally, and




         8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.

         No further testing was considered necessary!!

Dave C  ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on August 14, 2010, 09:59:16 pm
Life really boils down
to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog.....?
2. Or should I have kids?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on August 23, 2010, 07:18:52 am
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed apparently
a little intoxicated & bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped off all her clothes, rolled the dice, & yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up & down, & squealed...
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers & then picked up her winnings & her clothes &quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -
              Not all Irish are drunks,
              Not all blondes are dumb,
              But all men... Are men




Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on August 25, 2010, 01:01:01 am
Subject: GED test...
Here is another reason that teachers drink!!!!!!

GED Test

ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) and they WILL breed.

Q Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow   (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..  (wtf!)                                                 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.  (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.   (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. The y always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

 Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on August 29, 2010, 06:51:42 am
 

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark, and they swam to the ship.


 "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,
 "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you frighten the shit out of them first."

 
 

 
 
 




Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on August 29, 2010, 08:24:19 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....... That is a good one Robert!!!  ;D


Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Mikael_Shim on September 07, 2010, 05:09:34 pm
The first 2 ones had me cracking up until my stomach hurts.

Did anyone else notice it seems the ? and the oddly placed commas and punctuations adds significantly
to the effect due to the specific phase they make u read it at. They dont appear as funny in clear text. Still funny though .. 

Ill add some after a good nights sleep.... too tired now. great thread !
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on September 08, 2010, 01:42:08 am
Subject: The Wedding Ring


 
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring
cut off from his penis.
                                                     

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you are married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
           
            Tough call. You decide.
 
 
Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on September 08, 2010, 04:40:11 am
Here is one for the Poms...originally by Ronnie Barker.....

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and    shivelling shot.  At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, And the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.  Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame That fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud Had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a Knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and A hig bard on. He tried the  slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.  The pransome  hince Lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived in hers with a follen swanny. RIP


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ttwjr32 on September 08, 2010, 11:27:25 am
 A man who absolutely hated his wifes cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from the house and leaving him in the park. As he was nearing home , the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day , he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks from the house and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway ,there was the cat! So he kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive the cat a few miles away,turn right,then left,pass the bridge,then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from the house and he left the cat there.

Hours later he called his wife  and asked Jen is the cat home? Yes the wife answered. Why do you ask??
Frustrated the man said;Put that lousy cat on the phone. I am lost and need directions.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on September 10, 2010, 02:13:16 pm
www.cafepress.com/GeezerShop (http://www.cafepress.com/GeezerShop)

for the Baby Boomer's and the over the Hill Gang .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jan on September 16, 2010, 10:37:21 am
http://wimp.com/funniestgoal/ (http://wimp.com/funniestgoal/)

Awesome football goal  :D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on September 16, 2010, 04:34:15 pm
 :o hahahahahaha .. oh my ! Now that is using your " HEAD " .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jan on September 17, 2010, 01:11:56 pm
Why is beer so good for us?

[attachimg=1]
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on September 23, 2010, 08:21:18 am
Subject: A Homeless Man's funeral .]

 

 

> >??A Homeless Man's funeral . . .
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
> >>> director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
> >>> family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
> >>> the Kentucky back country.
> >>>
> >>> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
> >>> typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
> >>> late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
> >>> nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they
> >>> were eating lunch.
> >>>
> >>> I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
> >>> side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
> >>> place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
> >>>
> >>> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
> >>> played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
> >>> I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
> >>> played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
> >>> we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
> >>> started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
> >>>
> >>> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
> >>> never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
> >>> tanks for twenty years."
> >>>
> >>> Apparently I'm still lost....
> >>

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on September 23, 2010, 08:24:27 am
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,   



 



 

 

 

 

 

 




“What's for dinner, Zorro?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on September 24, 2010, 12:26:17 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA Robert that was BRILLIANT
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on September 24, 2010, 07:10:48 pm
Now that was funny
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on September 24, 2010, 07:46:10 pm
HAHAHAHAHAH! I liked the rod the crack spider had! I wonder if he had a crackberry too! Another good video Mike!

Robert, The black bra was good too!

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on September 24, 2010, 08:36:29 pm
Ten Dollar Dog

 
       
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



   After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


   The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. 
 

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on September 24, 2010, 08:58:42 pm
Subject: $7.00 Sex
An   Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on September 25, 2010, 08:37:46 am
Subject: Fw: Father O'Malley


 
An Irish priest...

Father O'Malley... a new convert to the Catholic Faith rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish.

 He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a huge pig lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.


Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.


The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"


"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a gigantic pig lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."


Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied:


"Ah, to be sure, son that is true... BUT we are also obliged to NOTIFY the next of kin..."
 
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on October 07, 2010, 07:14:24 am
One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The Newfie said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The Newfie replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the Newfie. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
(You gotta love this)
The Newfie looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on October 07, 2010, 08:16:06 am
This is for Scottish Rob -  MY
FIRST TIME----



It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget

I'd do it again

Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came.

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever

At milking a cow...




NOW
ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jan on October 07, 2010, 09:14:05 am
Wrong Hole w/Scott Baio, Taryn Southern, and DJ Lubel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIyeNRbbKBw#ws)

That is a good song. With great humor.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on October 07, 2010, 07:13:42 pm
Hahahahahah Thanks Robert hahahaha ;D ;D :o >:( ;D :D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 07, 2010, 10:27:31 pm
If only.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on October 09, 2010, 06:30:14 pm
Mike your video wont play
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: mustfocus on October 09, 2010, 09:28:56 pm
It will, it just doesn't allow embedding...when you click on it, it'll go to youtube and you can watch it there.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on October 10, 2010, 07:34:38 am
BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

   A Aussie walks into a  pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.   
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jan on October 11, 2010, 03:09:37 am
http://www.youtube.com/v/HPXDvqA3GVA (http://www.youtube.com/v/HPXDvqA3GVA)

Funny TV series part from Japan
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jimmy on October 18, 2010, 09:53:50 pm
A sort of funny true story happened to me the other evening.  You kinda had to be there but here goes.
My wife had her sisters over the other evening. And for some reason they started talking to me but in Chinese. And they for some odd reason seem to forget I do not speak Chinese. And the very little I do know is certainly not at their level.
Well what I started doing to my wife a few weeks ago is when she does this I will start pretending to speak Chinese back to her, and do it it in a very funny way like Tim Conway might have done on an old Carol Burnett show.
She always realizes it and will bust out laughing I try and make it very funny.
Well this night when I did it one of the sisters was totally amazed. And after a minute or 2 my wife told me her sister wanted to know where I had learned to speak such good Japanese. She has been living in Japan the past 8 years and told us I was saying random words but my Japanese was perfect.
I have no Idea what I had said. and have actually learned very little Japanese, when I was working for a Japanese company and making trips between the US and Japan for a few years. I learned basic greetings things like that.
Anyway it was pretty funny and like I said you kinda had to be there. 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on October 19, 2010, 07:48:54 am
Tractor--

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.


Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders
to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a
final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.   


'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy
'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick,
'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department,
 and the

therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

 



Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Bee964 on October 19, 2010, 08:12:03 am
http://travel.ca.msn.com/international/photogallery.aspx?cp-documentid=25160874 (http://travel.ca.msn.com/international/photogallery.aspx?cp-documentid=25160874)

some of these are funny and some are just weird. ;) ;)

Dave C
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 21, 2010, 08:00:58 pm
Now that was funny Mike.

It reminded me of a story that supposedly happened many years ago.  The story goes that Jack Nicholas' wife was talking with Johnny Carson on the Tonight show.  She said that she was very active with her husbands career.  Of course Johnny asked how so and she said before the game that she kissed Jack's balls.  Carson said, "boy I bet that makes his putter rise."  The final part of the story is that she stormed off the stage and sued Johnny Carson.  Of course I didn't see it so I don't know if it is really true but it sure is a good story.

Of course this could explain why Tiger Woods is in such a slump.  He had too many women kissing his balls and it made them out of round and ruined his game.  Of course with the extra long putter by then his golfing geometry was all screwed up.  ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jimmy on October 22, 2010, 10:53:03 am
It was a real promotion they did back in 2008.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ron on October 22, 2010, 01:44:15 pm
Yes it is a real commercial .I have seen it several times.It is still on but I have seen it on late night commercials
                          Ron
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: mickw on October 23, 2010, 05:13:42 pm
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked,

"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Title: A Thailand love story
Post by: mickw on October 23, 2010, 05:20:06 pm

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, the girlfriend spent all of the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she seemed to be enjoying doing.

As he was also enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why on earth do you love doing that so much?"


"Because", she replied, ...................I really miss mine

Title: Grumpy old man
Post by: mickw on October 23, 2010, 05:30:36 pm
s
A man with a bald head and a wooden prosthetic leg is invited to an Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint and returns the outfit. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel not meeting your needs. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint and returns the outfit.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Title: Voted the best Irish joke in 2009
Post by: mickw on October 23, 2010, 05:36:41 pm
 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending
>> the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
>>
>> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
>> night!
>> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
>> Best toast of the night."
>> She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
>> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
>> church beside me wife."
>>
>> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on
>> the street corner.
>> The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
>> other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>>
>> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
>> You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years Once he
>> fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make
>> him come."
Title: No fun getting old
Post by: mickw on October 23, 2010, 06:01:00 pm
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on January 21, 2011, 04:55:55 am
in school one day,  teacher says to her class " does anyone know where Pakistan is?"

little boy at bthe back of class raises his hand, teacher says "Right Johnnie, tell me please"

So he says " please miss, I think he went home"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Rob on January 22, 2011, 08:33:26 pm
Mike, thanks for that video mate...ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT...HAHAH
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Kiwi303 on January 22, 2011, 11:26:39 pm
Beaing deaf and knowing NZ sign language (well, sort of, a few insults anyway) I wish rural copper dialup let me download video before dying of old age...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on February 05, 2011, 08:32:29 pm
No Vince.  Sit down Vince, we don't want to see yours.  ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on February 13, 2011, 04:22:33 pm
Some of you may have already seen this.  It was sent to me by the girl who is tutoring me in Mandarin. 


[attach=1]
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on February 21, 2011, 07:30:51 am
 
 
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'   
 
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

 
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to  the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep  them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?  I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'   
 

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

 
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!  There was  the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

 
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.  'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over
 
--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

 
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on February 22, 2011, 10:46:38 am
I was look at a site in China and using google translator.   The site is about babies, baby boys specifically, There was a blog area and here is the English translation for one of the threads;

Nappy supplies, baby winter is not red ass

Laughed my head off. Peggy was listening but I could not explain it to her.

Imagine a DJ saying THAT on a radio...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on February 24, 2011, 04:31:43 am
A really funny clip...

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/ (http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on March 21, 2011, 04:58:11 am
 Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously in the...
http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=58221 (http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=58221)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 28, 2011, 06:25:18 pm
www.conjunctivitus.com







Now there's a site for sore eyes !!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on April 28, 2011, 06:46:21 pm
Blonde Bimbo, in need of a change of car , walks into a used car yard and complains to the slick salesman.."I really want to change my car, but everything here is so expensive...I only have $5000 "

Salesman responds.."dont worry luv, I have something here that may interest you, it has many, many dents from hail damage, but they can easily be fixed and the price is only $5000"

Blonds expersses great interest in this dented , but otherwise perfect, late-model car.

"But how can I fix all these dents ??" she asked.

Salesman says "Its easy luv, when you get home, just take a deep breath and blow hard up the exhaust pipe...all the dents will just pop out..no worries"...blond say  "WOW, that sounds easy, I'll take it.

Next morning she is puffing and blowing up the exhaust pipe trying to get the dents out and is getting very hot and bothered because it does not seem to be working........

Her neighbor...who is also Blonde, leans over the fence and enquires "What are you doing ??"

1st blond explains the story..........

2nd blonde say........

"Well, I can see how that is NEVER going to work, you must be stupid...

You've left the windows open !!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on May 11, 2011, 11:27:31 pm
THE NEGLIGEE


On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.  She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I  do.  You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right.  Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said.  So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.  What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission  Accomplished."
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on May 23, 2011, 07:40:43 pm
You cant make this stuff up.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 24, 2011, 06:47:49 am
So I take it we are not suppose to be shaving rugs when driving either.  Let me see if I've got this.  No drinking alcoholic beverages, texting, or shaving rugs while driving a moving vehicle.  Did I miss any?  I hope they don't outlaw drinking coffee while driving.  ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on May 25, 2011, 09:30:45 am
A  Somalian arrives in  Sydney as a  new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
 
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
 
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a  beautiful country here in Australia'
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Syria!'
 
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I  from Iran , I am not from Australia!'
 
He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am  from Africa!'
 
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
 
The African lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at  work'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on May 28, 2011, 12:54:13 am
A +
"The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pl...easure of enjoying it as well.   Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?   Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.   One student, however, wrote the following:   First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.   As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.   With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.   This gives two possibilities:   1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.   2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.   So which is it?   If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.   The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."   THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"See more
by: Brad Wodiske
.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 28, 2011, 08:26:53 pm
That is like the time I was writing a long essay of one of my final exams in college.  I was trying to put a little fill in the essay so I wrote the following.  You are crazy if you are reading all of the essays that are being written in the course Geology 101.  All this is, is a course about a bunch of f*****g rocks.

When I got my paper back there was a huge F in red along with a note on it.  For your information I am not crazy but one of my grad students did bring this paper to my attention.  Fortunately that grade didn't reflect in my final grade and we became good friends.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on May 28, 2011, 10:43:31 pm
I am talking with a friend Steve from work. He told me he was having a religious discussion with his young daughter.  Now Steve is an atheist but is giving his daughter the opportunity to investigate and choose her own belief's.  After making the offer to his daughter she declined and said that she was not interested. Then Steve asked her " Aren't you curious? Don't you want to know where everything comes from?" 

Nope,  was her answer. I have heard you and mom talking and I already know that everything comes from China.

True story.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on June 01, 2011, 01:54:19 am
Got offered a job tonight.....Hod carrier....for lego

Anyone start on me I will get my big brother onto you...his name is Tom....Tom Thumb.

Nearly broke my leg bloody tap dancing...I fell in the sink  :o

Was very lucky yesterday...was crossing the road when this Racing car came heading right at me...Run over me it did...Bloody thing missed the top of my head by inches...

My favourite things in the whole world...

Tv program..........Little house on the Prairie
Movie..................Incredible shrinking man
Book...................Little Women.........My little Pony, except for me it was My Big Pony :-\

Jobs offered to me

Train Driver............Hornby
Car Driver..............Scaletrix
Model for...............Action Mans clothes
Builder...................Model 'Toy' Houses

I Live in a Wendy house.... :o

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on June 01, 2011, 02:27:12 am
didn't know where to put this...but needed to put it somewhere !!!

http://www.maxfarquar.com/2011/05/latest-deadbin-laden-video-release/ (http://www.maxfarquar.com/2011/05/latest-deadbin-laden-video-release/)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on June 01, 2011, 04:17:41 pm
Love the video.  It makes too much sense.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on June 02, 2011, 06:33:28 am
Fancy a nice cushy job in Hunan province? This one could be the height of your ambition. ;D http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13274947# (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13274947#)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on June 02, 2011, 07:13:37 am
Where do I apply????     NOT!!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Clayton on June 09, 2011, 09:54:15 pm
Thanks for the video link David E, I just sent it to all my friends.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 14, 2011, 05:36:25 am
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought 'what the heck' and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said "I have some really great news!" I said "Great. Tell me why you're so happy?" She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said "There's more!" I asked "What do you mean there's more?" She said "Well, we are not having just one baby... we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said "Well, that was the easy part. I went to the pharmacy and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 14, 2011, 05:57:03 am
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the emu, "What's yours?"
"Sounds great, I'll have the same" says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke." The emu says, "Sounds great, I'll have the same." Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?" "Well, love" says the truckie, "a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?" The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on June 14, 2011, 07:08:54 am
Those are too funny John.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Sylvain D on June 14, 2011, 08:24:37 am
From those who know about the famous Star Wars "replicas' or "sentences".

(http://www.newlaunches.com/entry_images/1110/12/darth_vader_condoms.jpg)



Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Sylvain D on June 15, 2011, 07:09:03 am
A monkey goes into a bar and aks for bananas.
The Barman looks at him, then says :
"we don't have bananas"
Then, the monkey asks again :
"do you have bananas?"
"No, we don't have bananas"
"Do you have bananas ?"
"No, I told you, we don't have bananas, so please don't ask if we have bananes once again, or I'll shut your mouth with nails, ok?"
"Ok ok... do you have nails?"
"No"
"Do you have bananas?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 15, 2011, 09:44:06 am
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy snaps into action and quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the nearest hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy could hardly believe it but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on the same bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". Sure enough, there's Mick doing some serious work on the treadmill.

The next day Mick is back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says "He's dead". Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in". "No" says the nurse "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on June 19, 2011, 06:37:50 am
A laugh or 2 .

 


 
   
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd  think at least one of them would have seen  it.
 
 
 
2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...'
 
 
 
3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I  can clearly see you're  nuts.'
 
 
 
4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn't find any.
 
 
 
5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too  high.'
 
 
 
6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in.
 
 
 
7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't  feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off'.
 
 
 
8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
 
 
 
9. Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit  a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can't have your kayak and heat  it.
 
 
 
10. Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself.
 
 
 
11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some  cream to put on it.'
 
 
 
12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass  of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
 
'Is it common?'
'It's not  unusual.'
 
 
 
13. A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look  at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's  really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the  doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you  start.'
 
 
 
15. Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom!
 
 
 
16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh.
 
 
 
17..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure,  you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it..'
 
 
 
18. Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are  5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother  Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But  I think it's Colin.
 
 
 
19. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your  round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat  bastard!'
 
 
 
20.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was  drinking battery acid, and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other one  off.
 
 
 
21. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was  nice.'
 
 
 
22.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt  my arm in several places'
The doctor said,  'Well don't go there  anymore'
 
 
 
23.. Ireland 's  worst air disaster occurred early this morning  when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that  number to climb as digging continues into the  night.
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on June 19, 2011, 06:53:52 am
Well I am silly enough to read them .

 





 



A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


>   

>
 


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

>

>


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
>

>

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

>


>

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

>

>

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

>

>


The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


>

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

>

>

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


>




>

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

>

>

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

>



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

>



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

>

>

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... Theman requests the key to the stone door.

>

>

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

>

>

>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

>

>

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

>


>

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

>

>

... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

>




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Kiwi303 on June 19, 2011, 09:36:42 am
Heh, I can tell you what's behind the noise... 


Revelations 21, Vs 19-20
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 19, 2011, 10:37:20 am
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments. David, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I."

The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it." "Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times..."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 19, 2011, 10:39:09 am
Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it" said the man "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on June 19, 2011, 06:10:40 pm
Paddy went to the Doctor and said....

"Doc, you gotta help me, I am in agony, I hurt all over...its driving me crazy........"

Doc says.."calm down paddy, just show me the places where you hurt and I will decide what to do next......."

Paddy touched his head and said..."OUCH that hurts, he touched his neck and said OUCH that hurts, he touched his chest and said OUCH that hurts, he touched his stomach and said OUCH that hurts...

Doc, you can see that I have a real problem please fix it, I cant take much more...can you help me........

Doc says"relax Paddy, I figured it out,...

You have a broken finger .....................
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on June 19, 2011, 06:11:42 pm
A very average Mutt was sitting in the Veterinarian waiting room, attached to its very average owner with a piece of string.........

In came an absolutely knockout Blonde, with a sleek, well groomed, well fed German Shepherd dog attached to a jewelled leather leash and sat down beside them...

The Mutt says "hi, how s it going ?"

The Shepherd says "Ok I guess"

The Mutt says " I am going to be put down today...its a bad day for me"

The Shepherd asks "what in heck did you do to deserve that" ... to which the Mutt explained that he had been teased and tormented all day by the youngest child of the family and finally he had cracked and growled at the child, to which the Mother screamed and shouted about "killer dogs" and demanded that the husband take me down to the Vet for the last ride ......

Very sad...replied the Shepherd.

The Mutt then asked "what are you here for...and the Shepherd sighed and said.."its a long story".........

I am a guard dog for my Mistress here...she is very beautiful as you can see....I sleep at the bottom of her bed and keep her safe from any intruders.

The other day, when she woke up, she went to take a shower, and when she had finished she was drying herself in the bathroom, all naked and pink and sexy as all get-go.

When she bent over to dry her feet, I lost control and jumped on her and...well you know...I did it !!!!!!!

Oh My God said the Mutt...what a stupid thing to do...I suppose she has brought you here to be put-down for such a terrible thing......

No, actually, said the Shepherd...she has brought me here to get my toe nails trimmed.....................
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on June 20, 2011, 09:27:11 am








 








 













Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
 

 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 24, 2011, 01:11:06 am
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages on his body and limbs went first.

"Well" he said "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation!'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.

He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory he claimed "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors hanging out of him. He was in really bad shape!

The Rabbi looked up and said "Looking back on it, maybe circumcision wasn't the best way to start!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 24, 2011, 01:15:26 am
The guys were all at camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they agreed to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said "Man, what happened to you? He said "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night".

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes bloodshot. They said "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Steve's turn. Steve was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said "Well, we got ready to sleep. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on June 26, 2011, 01:51:19 am
Blonde Jokes .







 






































DISNEYLAND
 
 
 
 
     Two blondes were going to Disneyland ..  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
 
 
     
 
 
 
 
 
     FLORIDA OR MOON
 
 
 
     Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
 
 
 
     
   
 
 
 
     CAR TROUBLE
 
 
 
   
 
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, 'What's the story?' 

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


 

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


 

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' 

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' 

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know.
 We're going at night!'

 

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
 

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on July 01, 2011, 08:11:32 pm
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says "Make 'em all ugly again!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on July 01, 2011, 08:16:27 pm
After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock, TX, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on July 01, 2011, 08:19:35 pm
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went "bang, bang". Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver". The doctor replied "My point exactly.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 08, 2011, 07:15:40 pm
Vince.  Excellent.

Earlier this afternoon in the span of about 2 minutes I got 5 messages from facebook that were sent to my email and forwarded to my cell phone from a female that I didn't want to talk to in high school and I sure as heck don't want to talk to now.  Gee I hope this doesn't continue.

While I was watching the video I got 2 forwarded messages that I really didn't want.   I didn't do anything to get them and I can't do anything to get rid of them.  That is nothing short of quitting facebook and subscribing to another cell phone company.

I am of the opinion that facebook just could be the anti-Christ.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 19, 2011, 10:22:38 am
That's funny.  I nevery really understood the attraction.  Diana was a much more beautiful woman and appeared to be much nicer.  But you never know what goes on behind closed doors.  :o  I think I could write a song with that line.  ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Skip on July 19, 2011, 02:24:36 pm
Subject: Old Men

An old Montana prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

 The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. Never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,  "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was  laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."

 There are a few lessons for us all here:

 -Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on July 25, 2011, 11:08:06 pm
   When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

I got a good chuckle out of this joke Mike  8)

So I guess that the postman got dinged twice?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Okie_Rob on August 22, 2011, 07:47:11 pm
 CHINESE DIVORCE...
 
A Chinese daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel."
 
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
       You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...
 
Over 45 cents?"
 
Now that's a Chinese mother!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on August 27, 2011, 11:47:02 pm
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A friend of a friend put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
 
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
 
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on August 27, 2011, 11:53:21 pm
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14, you are on 13". Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on September 24, 2011, 08:41:06 am
 http://youtu.be/xNPLr_g8hew (http://youtu.be/xNPLr_g8hew)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on September 27, 2011, 09:09:20 pm
And now you see why American's are not liked from abroad.  Shake your bootay!!!!!!

And you wonder why America is the butt of so many jokes.

Lincoln saying to the other Presidents, " I hope these Canadian's aren't gay!"

Roosevelt then says, "Quick, find my specs."
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
Ha! Made you look!

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on September 28, 2011, 08:27:14 am
2 swarfs break into a butcher shop, they leave empty handed reason...the steaks were too high
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on October 01, 2011, 04:20:47 am
Hey, that's my dog.  His name is dinner.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Clayton on October 01, 2011, 05:35:48 am
Remember this one?

Who's on first? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M#)

It doesn't matter how many times i watch this I still get a laugh
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on October 01, 2011, 11:01:33 am
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2486641402406&set=o.127583850648091&type=1&ref=nf (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2486641402406&set=o.127583850648091&type=1&ref=nf)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 01, 2011, 01:47:51 pm
A man and his wife were at an NFL football game and they both during halftime decided to make a pit stop in the restroom.  As luck would have it she finished first and was standing outside the men's room when to her surprise her husband's new boss and wife walked by.  Of course she said hi and they talked while she waited for her husband Bob.    Bob came out of the bathroom and said hi and his new boss introduced his wife to his new employee Bob.  The bosses wife chuckled and said your bathroom must be out of paper towels, your hand is still wet.  He replied, "Oh, that isn't it, I didn't wash them."  :o
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on October 08, 2011, 02:52:30 pm
My wifes sister sat on my glasses earlier and broke them, I was really pissed off Then I thought 'to be fair, it was my own fault for leaving them on'.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on October 08, 2011, 02:55:27 pm
Funny  ;D   ;D   :'(   ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on October 10, 2011, 05:05:03 am
With tension increasing in many parts of the World, various Governments have recently re-asseded their internal threat levels...and they make interesting reading....

world security levels


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on October 10, 2011, 08:56:39 am
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth".

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now" He said "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?" The blonde said "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses".

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said "Well hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear he certainly can't wear glasses!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 10, 2011, 06:49:09 pm
David, You forgot the Americans... or did you really?   America only needs two catagories.  Invade and having second thoughts.  :o
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on October 10, 2011, 09:30:04 pm
Sorry Shaun...I pinched this funny from a Brit website....somehow they forgot the Yanks....but your additions are spot on  ;D ;D

David
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 11, 2011, 05:26:01 am
Well you've got to do SOMETHING with the Engineering Corps!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on October 12, 2011, 07:42:14 pm
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'rev...ocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)


Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 12, 2011, 08:16:27 pm
Uh...  Umm... like... you know... Uh... Umm... I have Uh... a question?    Uh... Like,,, Umm... You know... Umm...  Can uh... we still laugh... um... when you say uh... you know... It's pissing outside?  Uh... also, you know... like... when you say umm... can I bum a fag?

Perfectly sound English to me!

To actualize the fossilized information one must baptize then sterilize it.  Don't forget to itemize the information.  If you first baptize the item one will prevent ir from being oxidized.  This from the Americanized dictionary.  ;D


When you say Budwiser... You've said it all.
Or should we spell it Budwizer?  :o

I'm sorry.  I apologize.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on October 13, 2011, 06:43:11 am
on December 25th 2011 Scotland will invade England... :D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on October 13, 2011, 06:45:34 am
on December 25th 2011 Scotland will invade England... :D they will pay restitution for hundreds of years of hurt they caused.
we have been send scots people to live in england for years, they are our sleeping army ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on October 13, 2011, 10:05:42 am
Phillip go ahead and have the Queen send the troops.after the troops arrive.It will take 24 hours for the majority of the troops to go AWOl.They will throw down there arms and apply for American citizenship.It will be the first time most of the troops have seen the sunshine.And palm trees.And a dark skinned woman.That they can't live without.

After the first troops go AWOL the queen will send more troops.And the same thing will happen.It would happen anytime the queen sends troops.It would get so bad in merry old England that.The queen would have to start drafting.School age children to fill the ranks.Theire would be so maney Limeys in America.That we would have to start shipping them to Mexico and Canada.

It had already started happening.I have a contractor who has done some work for me off and on  for the last fifteen years.He is from a little village just south of London.He came over in the mid 80s with a rock and roll band and has never left.I asked him why he stayed.He said it was the first time that he had seen the sun.And a brown eyed Girl.

So tell the queen to go ahead and send the troops.If she wants to lose all her troops.And have to draft 10 year old out of her local schools.Just to meet the needs for local defense.I think that is what happend the first time the limeys tried to invade the states.One limey wanted to stay so bad.That he took his troops to the top of a mountain in Georiga.And announced to the world.That it would take a act of god.To get him off of the mountain.He died on  the mountain.They respected the mans wishes.And buried him on the mountain.200 years latter his grave is still on the mountain.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on October 13, 2011, 05:15:25 pm
Robbie

I think your plan to invade England soon has got to fail miserably. Probably you are the only Scotsman left in Scotland, the rest of them are all living in Aus or China !!! You probably wont get much further South than Hadrian's Wall !!! And if you did, you would not find any real Poms there anyway, they are also living in Aus or China !!!

BTW...did you see that Her Maj. is coming to Perth for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting ???

We note with horror that she plans to host a beach Barbie for the Citizens of Perth while she is here....sausages only, no chops or steak (probably she is down to her last 100 million and is feeling the financial pinch) !!!!!!

I (and all Perth blokes) can only protest loudly at this apparent attempt to usurp some of the basic principles of Australian life....BARBIES ARE THE PROVINCE OF MEN ONLY.

The barbie is a sacred place where men can gather together, pushing burning chunks of meat around while drinking large quantities of cold beer, talking about critical World issues like sex, boobs, carbies, horsepower and can be free to break wind in large quantities without saying "excuse me".........

The Women must be away from this sacred site, so they can babble on about Diapers, babies, cellulite and the price of Bananas, or whatever trivia they get to discuss.

Women, not even Royalty can even think about doing this...it is totally un-Australian.

If Her Maj. actually gets to go ahead with this sacrilege, then it will be the end of the World as we know it, the Commonwealth will be dead (it is about dead anyway) and Aus will become a Republic and we wont let anybody else come here unless they are Afghans, Muslims or Iraqi's and they gotta find their own boats......

So dont worry about invading England, just get over here and add one more voice to the huge protest we are about to see against the ever present injustices pushed on poor Colonials by the British Intitutional Monarchy...should be fun  ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jason B on October 13, 2011, 09:43:11 pm
HMMMMMMMMM........Phil the Greek with a pair of tonges in his hand and a pair of stubbies with a plumbers crack........make sure you take lots of pictures to show us and keep Betty in the kitchen making salads and drinking goon out of a cardboard box where all the shelas belong during a BBQ.......
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on October 13, 2011, 10:47:18 pm
Hahahahaha Jason

Phil the Greek in a pair of stubbies and a ratty singlet......I dont think my imagination can stretch that far....but what a sight that would be...probably never seen a raw snag in his life !!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on October 14, 2011, 01:46:08 am

on December 25th 2011 Scotland will invade England... :D they will pay restitution for hundreds of years of hurt they caused.
we have been send scots people to live in england for years, they are our sleeping army ;D ;D

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Thats if they aint dossing with the other immigrants!

Whoops I suppose i'm an immigrant now!

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on October 14, 2011, 01:52:25 am


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


It bloody will be in my house. 

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on October 16, 2011, 11:38:00 pm
wow that is just wrong.to make your neighbor a victim
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on October 17, 2011, 02:15:05 am
Well I guess the next door neighbours are pretty ARMless .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 17, 2011, 05:11:18 am
You could say their goose is cooked.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on October 17, 2011, 06:36:51 pm
Vince..you are sick !!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Clayton on October 18, 2011, 07:56:55 pm
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son, sent through the prison’s mail system.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Cheers
Leeroy

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 31, 2011, 01:12:16 pm
This is a story that just appeared in my local newspaper.

Quote
Sex toy saleswoman robbed
Staff
Monday, Oct. 31, 2011 11:59 AM
Last updated 12:03 PM
Comments (4)
 
Follow Latest News
A sex toy salesman notified authorities after merchandise was stolen from her residence over the weekend.
According to an incident report, the 25-year-old victim returned to her home on the 1700 block of Davidson Drive Sunday afternoon to discover her front door had been pried open and more than $500 worth of new merchandise was missing.
A platinum bracelet was also reported missing.


I guess this gives new meaning to the phrase, "five finger discounts."  ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on October 31, 2011, 07:46:06 pm
Trouble is Shaun , was it a guy , a girl , or an inbetween that stole the products and I guess the fence would be jumping with joy at pricing that lot .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 31, 2011, 08:30:23 pm
Robert I didn't even catch that one.  It was the rest of the story that got me.  Then I noticed that they were new toys too.   Is there a market for used sex toy?  :o  I can't imagine anyone wanting to buy a used sex toys.  :-\
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on October 31, 2011, 11:03:54 pm
Shaun , maybe it was her own private stock , imagine filling out the list of what was stolen , bet the copper had a smile on his face ha ha .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on November 01, 2011, 04:55:11 am
I think I would have done a little more than smile.  To keep my professional appearance I would have had to excuse myself to my care once or twice and lamo.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on November 02, 2011, 01:39:35 pm
Classic Family .. nowadays !
Come to think of it , coming to work today .. traffic thru the Newhall Pass ( to the San Fernando Valley ) was a Mess . I have never seen this in any Country where I've been to .. Blogs upon Blocks with Traffic Lights "OUT" from WIND ?? >:(  Glad we have the Tech to go anywhere in Space , but can't keep lights on during high Winds .. speachless !
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: martynivy on November 10, 2011, 08:34:55 am
Found this on another website,hope you think it funny.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated --  'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on November 10, 2011, 11:59:56 am
Funny it is ! I just hope for your sake it's NOT True !! :-\

Under normal conditions , after drinking .. the Women start looking BETTER ! :P
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on November 12, 2011, 12:24:28 am
One Monday morning when the teacher walked into her classroom, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in teeny tiny letters on the blackboard. No one would fess up and admit who did it. So she rubbed it off and began class. Everyday for the rest of the week, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board. Each day the letters were BIGGER and BOLDER than the previous day. So everyday she vigorously rubbed it off. By Thursday, it was almost the full-length of the entire blackboard. Friday morning she walked in, expecting to see it once again. INSTEAD, she found the words "IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, THE MORE YOU RUB IT, THE BIGGER IT GETS!!"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on November 12, 2011, 03:33:47 am
If you marry a woman from China, being Mandarin, would this then be called an oranged marriage?  ???
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on November 16, 2011, 05:52:30 am

 
 
 
 
 
-------Original Message-------
 
From: 
-----
Subject: Fw: Maori Fire Department

 
RRR

 
 
 Maori Fire Department
 
 
One dark night in the township of Kaitaia, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.  The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
 
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
 
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.  Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.  As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.  But still the fire companies could not get through.
 
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65.
 
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.   Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.  Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.  It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
 
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
 
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
 
"Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that truck.


 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David S on November 25, 2011, 01:08:31 am
Today at our family Thanksgiving get together my nieces husband told me he saw a t-shirt on a breast cancer survivors t-shirt; "Yes they are fake, my real ones tried to kill me!" 

I about did a spit take.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on November 25, 2011, 07:27:38 am
Now what did I do with that 3rd turkey?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on November 27, 2011, 04:26:12 am
Vince
Who do i write to in the USA to get your passport problem expedited. ;D ;D ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on November 30, 2011, 07:16:45 pm
I love this Ebay shopping. I sold my homing pidgeons 8 times last month ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on November 30, 2011, 08:38:00 pm
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right". "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on November 30, 2011, 08:40:52 pm
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate! The bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on November 30, 2011, 10:25:13 pm


Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate! The bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"
This was always an Australianan Irishman and a Scotsman. I know you changed it so as not to hurt Robbies feelings but.... the truth shouldn't hurt as much as his elbow. ;D ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on December 02, 2011, 03:27:28 am
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".

Moral: never, never, ever be late!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on December 02, 2011, 03:36:34 am
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side".

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.  "You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland..."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on December 12, 2011, 06:26:13 pm
Ormie (http://vimeo.com/27256955)

Very cute Pig , but maybe NOT too smart .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on December 13, 2011, 02:22:40 am
United States Politics ( 101) 8)

United States Politics 101....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   ???????????????  #@$$%$$#@## !!!!

That is a photo of ex-Prime Minister of Australia (John Howard) and the Treasurer (Peter Costello).

These two were about the best Politicians we have had in 40 years....much of the squillions that this current bunch of Zubes have pi##ed away on worthless junk was made by the efforts of these two...sadly missed !!

Cheers...David
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Clayton on December 13, 2011, 02:28:58 am
United States Politics ( 101) 8)

United States Politics 101....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   ???????????????  #@$$%$$#@## !!!!

That is a photo of ex-Prime Minister of Australia (John Howard) and the Treasurer (Peter Costello).

These two were about the best Politicians we have had in 40 years....much of the squillions that this current bunch of Zubes have pi##ed away on worthless junk was made by the efforts of these two...sadly missed !!

Cheers...David

Well said David

Cheers

Leeroy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jason B on December 13, 2011, 03:36:13 am
Here here, the best of the best them two.  makes you wonder what state would be in if the mob now where in before.........right down the bottom with europe and tuvalu
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on December 13, 2011, 03:43:22 pm
Fiona is a big practical joker. So now its time for a payback.

I have been giving Fiona a tour of the house using my laptop and QQ video chat. Just walking around the house with the laptop camera directed in front of me. So far Fiona has been impressed with the new house.

She really liked the cool computer controlled washer-dryer pair.
She has never seen a dryer before and that is where I will pull my practical joke. I am going to demo the washer and dryer for her. But before hand I am going to dry and fold an entire load of clothes and then place the folded clothes into the dryer. I wish I could capture the the look on her face when I toss in some wet clothes from the washer, punch a few buttons and moments later remove a stack of dry and folded clothes. That would be priceless.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on December 13, 2011, 04:08:39 pm
That would definitely be worth a Million .. "That" look ! :o

Another Idea , place a cooked Meal in the Automatic Dish Washer/Dinner maker .. open the door and Waahla ! No folding and no Cooking in this House . hahaha
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on December 13, 2011, 08:55:01 pm
I though I had a great idea for you Gerry but you might not follow any of our ideas.  I think she will smell a rat.  Or she may ask you how many Chinese women are actually in the dryer.  ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on December 15, 2011, 08:23:24 am


On his birthday, a middle-aged man got a gift certificate from his wife.


The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.


The old man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is powerful wampum. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.'
You will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he had an afterthought and turned and asked
"How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your sqaw must say '1-2-3-4,'" responded the medicine man, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."


He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.


When she came in, he took off his clothes and said "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.


His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes --- then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

********

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition...............




........................because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on December 15, 2011, 10:33:07 pm
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, coffee, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!
--
A husband took his wife to the doctor. "Oh doctor" he said "my wife thinks she's a chicken". The doctor gasped "That's terrible. How long has she been like that? The husband replied "Three years". The doctor was horrified "Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?" The husband said sheepishly "Because we needed the eggs".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on December 17, 2011, 10:12:53 pm
After the chatr on another thread about guns I thought I would send this in.
 
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For  several more minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on December 17, 2011, 10:22:34 pm
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast". The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use". 'But I didn't use them" she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied "But I didn't use it!" The manager was unmoved so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00".

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager. "Well too bad, I was here, and you could have".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on December 20, 2011, 03:58:45 pm
Hahahahahah!!!  I hate to laugh but as Forrest said, "Stupid is as stupid does."  In every accident a major rule was broke and bit them in the #$$.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on December 22, 2011, 04:45:17 am
couple have their first date in the morning they walk into the kichen and the woman says to the guy "Breakfast?"
The guy replies yes please"
woman looks in fridge then says "Chinese?"
Guy says "who eats chinese for breakfast?"
woman answers "about 1 billion chinese people"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on December 22, 2011, 06:36:25 am
That's marryin' material right there!  Both in the woman in Robert's story and Vince's Christmas card.  ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on January 01, 2012, 05:55:05 am

A few good Senior Moments
 
Garage Door
 
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't.  All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
 

 
 


An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
 
 

 
 


Two elderly  gentlemen from a retirement  centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you  feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'
 
 

 
 


An elderly couple had  dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new  restaurant and it was really great.... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the  restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know..... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' >
 


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he  didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator..
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting  him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
 
 


Couple in their nineties are both  having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.  'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure...'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget  it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream.. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'  she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
'Where's my toast ?' 


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
 


Three old guys are out  walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four  thousand dollars, but it's state of the art... It's  perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The  doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 
 


One more. .  .! 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on January 01, 2012, 05:58:13 am
A Happy New Year to David E ,



 
 
 
 
BREAKING NEWS

To save the economy, Julia Gillard will announce shortly that she is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Superannuation and Health costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

I started crying when I thought of you.


RUN, OLD FRIEND, RUN!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on January 01, 2012, 06:02:03 am
And a Happy New Year to Irishman and his beautiful wife ,

 
A Dublin Doctor wanted to go fishing, so he approached his apprentice Doctor.
"Murphy, I am goin' fishing tomorrow, and don't want to be closin' the clinic. I want you to take care of all m' patients"

"Not a problem, Yes,Doctor I'll do m' best,Sir" answered Murphy.

The Doctor returned the following day.
"So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache,he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the Doctor.

"The second one had indigestion, so I gave him Gaviscon." says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this!! And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Doctor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flew open ... And a young gorgeous woman burst in, she did! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tore off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and panties and she lay on the table, and spread her legsand then shouted loudly:
"Oh Please Doctor - HELP ME- for the love of St Patrick- For five years now, I haven't seen any man"


"Oh NO, Murphy......
' Joseph, Mary and lord Jesus, what did you do?"

"The only t'ing I could do, Doctor..
 
 I put drops in her eyes"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on January 01, 2012, 04:31:13 pm
A Happy New Year to David E ,
 
BREAKING NEWS

To save the economy, Julia Gillard will announce shortly that she is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Superannuation and Health costs.
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

I started crying when I thought of you.

RUN, OLD FRIEND, RUN!

Hahahaha............%#**&^% !!!

However old I am Robert if I am not smart enough to outsmart that lame brain Gillard...then I deserve to get deported  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 14, 2012, 05:11:05 pm
(http://hogwild.net/images/Balloons/2003.06.08/monkey-whore.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on January 24, 2012, 07:50:38 pm
[

However old I am Robert if I am not smart enough to outsmart that lame brain Gillard...then I deserve to get deported  ;D ;D ;D

Haha I wish I could get deported ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 24, 2012, 11:02:55 pm
[

However old I am Robert if I am not smart enough to outsmart that lame brain Gillard...then I deserve to get deported  ;D ;D ;D

Haha I wish I could get deported ;D ;D

So do all the English. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Give independence to Scotland.  Make them get a visa to travel  south of the border.

That Italian, Hadrian had the best idea when he buily the wall between us and them.

Mind you if he had built it like the Great Wall of China and not just 4 feet high it may have been more successful. But those canny Scots still  found a way to get to the green and pleasant land that will always be 'England'.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on January 26, 2012, 01:15:18 am
Thats not funny
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on January 26, 2012, 12:16:04 pm
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on January 26, 2012, 01:09:22 pm
Both funny unless you're the guy who falls for it. 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 26, 2012, 07:53:21 pm
 :-[
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on January 27, 2012, 11:08:29 pm
It's a funny photo when you realize?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on January 28, 2012, 06:43:40 am
You're terrible Vince.   Haha
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on January 28, 2012, 11:53:38 am
You're terrible Vince.   Haha

Yes he is, as he will milk any situation to keep abreast of the point in question.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 28, 2012, 04:11:49 pm
 :)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Neil on January 28, 2012, 05:01:44 pm
Better than blood from a stone.  haha. 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on January 29, 2012, 12:24:42 am
A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself 'this is unusual'. 

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked "Officer, what's the hold-up?" The officer replied "The Prime Minister is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself with petrol and set herself on fire. She says no one believes her stories about why we have to have a carbon tax or why she is continuing the war in the middle east, or why illegal immigrants are good for the country and are basically 'cost free'... so we're taking up a collection for her".

The public servant asks "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on January 29, 2012, 12:27:56 am
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Come with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully and does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says 'If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store. So, she does. The man says "I'll be right over".

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on February 11, 2012, 04:56:33 am
Here's one for you Robbie.........enjoy !!!!

Apple Scotland - iPhone commercial for Siri (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGxKhUuZ0Rc&feature=share#ws)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on February 11, 2012, 07:52:00 am
Here's one for you Robbie.........enjoy !!!!

Apple Scotland - iPhone commercial for Siri (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGxKhUuZ0Rc&feature=share#ws)

Hahaha thats me TEACHING...LOL ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on February 18, 2012, 08:46:31 am
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on February 21, 2012, 10:37:20 pm
you know its bad when you first see your first gray pubic hair, I had to say to the wife when I did, "come on honey you'll need to tidy that up, I'm doing my best here"

I lost my virginity when I was 16, but not to worry I found it again when I got married
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on February 22, 2012, 09:16:24 am
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote" he says. We'll have a new one".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 22, 2012, 06:47:08 pm
Finding Jesus
An old Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?" The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he bloody fell in?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 22, 2012, 06:47:56 pm
The Three Samurai
There once was a powerful old Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The old emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumble bee dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The old emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped into four small pieces. The old emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the old emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 22, 2012, 07:00:58 pm
Two old lawyers had been stranded on a desert island 30 years. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the old lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The old lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two old lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for years now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So ... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?" "Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other old lawyer.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on February 23, 2012, 03:46:52 am
Ha ha ha ha , too funny
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on February 25, 2012, 12:15:51 am
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".

The boss scratches his head and says"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Irishman stares into space some more then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"  The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 27, 2012, 05:46:46 pm
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/426624_10150589678393178_75013088177_9434327_1351549406_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on February 28, 2012, 08:20:26 am
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony b ooks on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on February 28, 2012, 08:55:44 am
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on March 01, 2012, 06:21:17 am
The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce AND THEY ARE AMERICAN! Least said I think.
 
Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on March 01, 2012, 07:57:25 am
Thanks for the laugh
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on March 01, 2012, 08:11:52 pm
Quote
Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce AND THEY ARE AMERICAN! Least said I think.


Willy, you might want to re-read number 4.   I'm just sayin'.....    Least said I think!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on March 01, 2012, 11:20:51 pm
I'll add one more to that list Willy, true story told to me by one of the cops. 8 year old boy in NY city gets picked up by the police for gun possession (pistol). After getting booked and released to his parents he asked "when can I have my gun back?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on March 02, 2012, 02:07:07 am
Quote
Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce AND THEY ARE AMERICAN! Least said I think.


Willy, you might want to re-read number 4.   I'm just sayin'.....    Least said I think!!!

Ok but I figured that zimbadians and swiss (no. 2) have same brain as Americans so I let them slip through.  But of course I am not refering to Native Americans just the johnny come latelys and their offspings.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on March 02, 2012, 07:05:13 pm
Hmmm......

1. A Cambridge man was arrested in September after falling asleep on the job. The burglar stuffed items into a pillow case before deciding to neck a bottle of wine and have a nap on the sofa. He was found some time later by the homeowner who promptly called the cops. “After trying to rouse him we charged him with attempted burglary,” said the police.

2.  Another Brit who made a schoolboy error while trying to get his hands on some spoils was Scarborough man, who tried to hold up a shop while wearing a motorcycle helmet as a disguise. The only problem was that across the front of his helmet his name was printed in large letters.

3. A break-in suspect was arrested after falling through the ceiling of a London sandwich shop. The robber, who must have been really hungry, was found by police after the alarm went off and was charged with two counts of breaking and entering as he fell through the roof of a neighbouring shop too.

4. Michael Harper was “permanently disfigured” (in exactly what way, we will leave to your imagination) after a blast at an electricity substation in Leicester, central England. Harper and his co-idiot, Richard Boyce, were there to steal metal from the station (and, time permitting, do a little heroin). Michael had to stop mid-theft to relieve himself, but made the mistake of streaming his flow onto the station's transformer, thereby creating an explosion that blacked out over 2000 homes and businesses in the area.

5. Birmingham, England
A local man stormed into a local bank demanding all the cash tellers had on hand. When security windows began to go up as he reached over the counter, the criminal decided he had better make a run for it. For nearly ten minutes he tried to escape through the door from whence he came, however it simply would not budge. Figuring that the doors had been automatically locked, the man resigned himself to being arrested. As police escorted him from the bank, he noticed on the door in bright red letters the word PULL.

6. Birmingham, England
A local man stormed into a local bank demanding all the cash tellers had on hand. When security windows began to go up as he reached over the counter, the criminal decided he had better make a run for it. For nearly ten minutes he tried to escape through the door from whence he came, however it simply would not budge. Figuring that the doors had been automatically locked, the man resigned himself to being arrested. As police escorted him from the bank, he noticed on the door in bright red letters the word PULL.

7.  England
An English bank robber planned the perfect heist. Every detail was perfectly orchestrated; the ideal robbery time, the type of gun to use, a place to hide the loot, a getaway route and car, and even a reliable accomplice. After robbing the bank, the man left with the money in a bag over his left shoulder. As he approached the spot of the getaway car, his accomplice promptly ran him over.

8. Britain
In the trial of six men charged with attempting Britain's biggest cash robbery, prosecuting attorney Guy Boney told the court that the group forced an armored car, carrying over 18 million dollars, into a wooded area. The sextet then used high-powered torches to open it. Boney also noted that the torches set off "a horrendously expensive bonfire" that turned over 2 million dollars into ashes, causing the men to flee.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on March 02, 2012, 09:14:43 pm
Good try Shaun BUT

Looked into all these cases and 4 were committed by American on hard times following the massive unemployment 2 were I understand Canadians who I thought would have behaved better in the mother land and 1 was a Scots man (well we don't expect any different from them). ;D ;D ;D

So that makes 7 - well one of your stories was a New Yorker, so good you had to tell it twice.  ;D

Willy

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on March 04, 2012, 09:07:50 pm
Hahaha Willy.  Spoken like a politician.  ;D :-X
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on March 06, 2012, 05:20:28 am
My mate just called me from Thailand and told me that he'd had his first ladyboy experience. I said "Sorry?" He said "I was having a beer in a bar and we got chatting. She looked like a lady, she walked like a lady and she spoke like a lady". "So how did you know she wasn't a lady?" I asked. "When we drove back to the hotel and 'she' reversed the car into the parking space on the first attempt, I knew I'd stuffed up".
--
I can't stand those winging people who bleat on about how bad off they are. My mate Steve is brill, he had a bad car accident and lost his voice and both his legs, but do you think he makes a song and dance about it...?
--
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there". The guy thinks 'Great, they think the dog did it'. He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 12, 2012, 11:44:16 am
MALE SESATIVITY !!! HAHAHA

n an attempt to embrace "new" thinking a husband accompanies his 3 month pregnant wife to the ante natal clinic. The nurse tells the wife "you must not stagnate during you pregnancy. You should take mild exercise as shown in the leaflet I will give you. These will not only keep you active but they will help with the eventual birth".
Turning to the husband she says "You must help and support your wife with this by doing these exercises with her".
"Right" replied the husband.
"Now diet" continues the nurse, "You must eat only healthy foods which will not only nourrish baby but also ensure you dont gain too much unwanted weight. Again your husband should support you by joining in with this".
"Right" said the husband
"Lastly" continues the nurse "Walking is very good for you, especially on soft surfaces such as grass and again you husband should accompany you to give you encouragement and support".
Husband gives the nurse a quizical look................then says.............
"These walks, would it be okay if she carries a golf bag?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 14, 2012, 06:47:27 am
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, so I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed:-

At first I was afraid......then I was petrified.....

.( Think about it )

The wife has been missing for a week now , the police said to prepare for the worst:-

So went back to the Charity Shop to get her clothes back.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay flowers on a grave,whilst there I noticed 4 grave diggers

walking around carrying a coffin, an hour later they were still walking around with it :-

I thought to myself , " They've lost the plot"

My friend starts a new job in Seoul next week:-

He thought it was a good Korea move.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 14, 2012, 11:33:57 am
An old lady went to the chemist and asked if she could speak to the pharmacist in private, once she was in the small private room she whispered,

Do you have viagra here ?,

yes we do said the pharmacist the lady leaned in a little closer and whispered ,

does it work ?,

yes said the pharmacist

it does,

the lady whispered, and can you get it over the counter ?,

I can if I take two replied the pharmacist,
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 15, 2012, 11:56:02 am
He said to me,,,,,,,,,,I dont know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him.............You wear pants don't you?

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Should we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him.............That's a good idea - you stand by the sink and stove while I sit on the sofa and

do nothing
He said to me,,,,,,,,,,What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him.............Tuen sideways and look in the mirror.

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him.............They don't have time.

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
I said to him.............They already have boyfriends.

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Why are married women heavier than single woman?
I said to him.............Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed, married women see whats in the bed and then go to the fridge.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on March 16, 2012, 03:47:18 am
Hi Robbie

Does Bad Jokes and Suicide come into the same sentence anywhere? :P

Ha Ha  ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 17, 2012, 08:05:55 pm
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bast*rd," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy and you explain the kids."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 20, 2012, 06:12:11 am
A BLOND JOKE !!!

As the trucker stops for a red light on the A12 a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The Trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignors her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they have never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" As the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next lights. Where he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it he says..................

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the bloody gritter............................."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 20, 2012, 07:51:43 am
A blonde went to Heaven and waited at the Pearly Gates for St Peter,
He arrived and said they had so many goodly souls arriving, they had been forced to put up an entrance exam.
Thats cool said the blonde, what does it consist of,?
Just three questions, said St Peter.

1) Which two days of the week start with the letter T
2) How many seconds are there in a year
3) What was the name of the Swag-Man in Waltzing Matilda
Now go away and think about the questions and when I call you I shall want the answers
The following morning St Peter called the blonde and asked her for the answers.
Right which two days of the week start with a letter T,
the blonde replied Today and Tomorrow,
St Peter thought about this and decided that the answer could be applied to the question.
Next, how many seconds in a year,
Twelve the blonde replied, only twelve said St Peter, how do you get that,
easy said the blonde,second of january,second of february right through to the second of december.
12 Seconds , St Peter looked at the blonde and walked away to think about this, when he returned he allowed the answer, but said, you must get the third question absolutely correct to be allowed into heaven
The blonde said , Oh I found the third question the easiest.
Really said St Peter , so, what is the answer.
Its Andy, said the blonde,
This totaly floored St Peter, finally he asked her how she arrived at THAT answer.
She replied,
Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy Boiled.

The Blonde entered Heaven !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing is also, Now you are singing it to yourself.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 22, 2012, 01:25:37 pm
Last night I was sitting in the lounge and talking to my partner about life. In between we talked about the idea of living and dying.
I told hier"Darling, never let me live in a vegetative state totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die.

My partner got up from the sofa with this look of admiration towards me......and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, The dish, The DVD, the computer, the mobile phone, the IPOD and the XBox. He then went to the bar and threw away all my brandy, rum, vodka and wine in the fridge....

I ALMOST DIED

Morals:

1) Think about what you wish for
2) The female brain works in a different wavelength from the male's.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on March 22, 2012, 09:42:15 pm
He went?   Dare I ask, Gay couple?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on March 23, 2012, 01:32:18 am
No Shaun , just a happy couple ha ha ,  ::) ::) ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 23, 2012, 05:05:45 am
He went?   Dare I ask, Gay couple?

haha robert ;D ;D ;D

no shaun.  just my typing forgot to put the S in front of the 'he'...sorry ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on March 23, 2012, 05:31:47 am
Robbie I think it is time you got back to writimg that book. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on March 26, 2012, 03:43:28 am
EVEN ANIMALS ARE AT IT ;D ;D ;D

hree little ducks go into a bar,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Say what's your name?" the bartender asked Duck 1... "Huey," was the reply.
"Hows your day been, Huey?"

"Great, Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh thats nice," said the bartender.

He turned to Duck 2..........."Hi, and whats your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from Duck 2.

"So how's your day been, Dewey" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball to. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes,

"My name is Puddles." :D :D :D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on March 29, 2012, 06:49:31 am
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a southerner a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 to 53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d' "but you can't come in here without a Thai".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on March 29, 2012, 08:56:01 am
Grandma is  eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.  She   writes: 


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to  our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus'  bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day  because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed  by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and  put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting  experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a  busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how  good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he  hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots  of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy  behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his  window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for  Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out  my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I  heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw  another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle  finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage  grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was  probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I  have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and  gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst  out laughing.

Why even he was en joy ing this religious  experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the  joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started  walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what  church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had  changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and  sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed  that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before  the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to  leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed  the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian  good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for  such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,  Grandma

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on March 30, 2012, 06:56:44 am

WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM


A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, Super Cheap Auto, BCF, or any other Blokey type shop. This one


caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has


turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works:


Two nice-looking, uni-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping


your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost fallingout of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look). When you


thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the


way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th,


16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.


Cheap as Chips has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the Salvo???s and bought them out of all of their stock in three of


their stores.


Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before


lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 03, 2012, 07:28:24 pm
 8)
(http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s320x320/544408_3551464435958_1553051693_3077343_1267687452_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on April 04, 2012, 09:55:35 am

How do you get a blue eye in a pub....
 







Walked into a pub last night, there were 2 large girls drinking at the counter,
noticed they had strange accents so I asked them “ Hi are you 2 girls from Scotland ?”
One of them then screamed at me “its Wales you idiot, Wales !!”

 So I immediately apologized and said “ are you 2 whales from Scotland ?”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on April 06, 2012, 08:30:56 am
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying "God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa".

The father asked "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do". The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this "God bless mummy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma". The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father "this kid is in contact with the other side".

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mummy and good-bye daddy".

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just had the worst day of my life". She said "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on April 06, 2012, 08:43:16 am
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know" Harold says "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while". "Well, I can oblige" says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on April 14, 2012, 08:41:11 am





CHINESE HURRYMOON
 
 A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
 
 On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her
 husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
 
 "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
 frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss
 anyting you want. You juss ask.
 Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which
 he hopes will impress her.
 
 A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
 
 She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard
 about from other girls .... Nummbaa 69". 

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a
 puzzled tone he asks her...
 
 "You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa from menu?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on April 14, 2012, 09:06:22 am
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ha ha , verry verry funny, I nearry pisshed my pants  ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on April 15, 2012, 07:57:59 am
Better than a Flu Shot!   

  Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all..

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

  seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old  Hammond  organ,the young 

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated, of   all

things,a condom!
When she returned

With tea and scones,they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on April 20, 2012, 07:32:43 pm
Interesting
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JamesM.Roberts on April 22, 2012, 06:26:30 pm
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 01, 2012, 08:13:11 am

Wrong email address ( Brilliant )

 



 























A  Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband leftGlasgow and flew to  Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot down here!
 




Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 01, 2012, 08:21:14 am

    A Perfect Husband
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
    A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free
    speaker function and begins to talk.
 
    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes."
    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and
    found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
    Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it
    that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and
    saw the new models.
    I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$90,000."
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to
    Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
    back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
    They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
    eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
    The man hangs up.
    The other men in the locker room are staring
    at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
    He turns and asks,
    "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JamesM.Roberts on May 01, 2012, 09:59:31 pm
Love in the......WHAT!??!

Ping is always giving me a hard time-Calling and asking me if I'm watching "American sex T.V.?" She says as a good Chinese Lady she would not like to watch such programs. So when I ran across these the other day on Shanghaist, I had to send them to her. These are original movie posters for a movie out right now in China. Seems someone made a unfortunate choice in fonts the movie's name is ......Love in the buff
What do you see when you read them?????  Seems were not the only ones obsessed
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on May 02, 2012, 01:41:52 am
Me I could Love her in the Buff (or the Butt) she is a regular on series here.

Agh well - just dreamimng of the good old days.   8)

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Sylvain D on May 02, 2012, 03:27:09 am
Dentist Pulls All Ex's Teeth Out; Anna Mackowiak Faces Jail Time

This is a recent news in fact :
Breaking up is never easy -- having 32 teeth ripped out is even worse.

A scorned dentist is facing jail time after surgically removing all of her ex-boyfriend's teeth after he dumped her, authorities in London said.

Marek Olszewski, 45, made the mistake of scheduling an appointment this week with his ex -- 34-year-old Anna Mackowiak -- for a toothache, according to the Daily Mail.

So Mackowiak allegedly did what any burned lover with a set of pliers and some anesthetic would do: she doped him up, pulled out all his teeth, and wrapped his head with bandages so he wouldn't notice until he left her office.

"I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," she told the news site. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'"

Olszewski could tell something was wrong when he awoke and couldn't feel any teeth in his mouth. But he said Mackowiak assured him that he'd be fine once the numbness wore off, NDTV reported.

"I didn't have any reason to doubt her -- I mean I thought she was a professional," he said.

He was wrong.

"But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn't f--king believe it," he said. "The b--ch had emptied my mouth."

Worse, Olszewski's new girlfriend dumped him because, well, she couldn't date a man without any teeth, the Daily Telegraph reported.

Mackowiak is under investigation for medical malpractice and abusing the trust of a patient. She could face three years in jail for the alleged stunt. Olszewski plans on saving money to get "indents or something."


**** end ****
When reading it at first, I ask myself : why did the guy have to go to see his ex for his teeths? I would NEVER do that, even if some of my ex can be nice with me.
I just can imagine now some jokes about it /
 "say Cheese" or "smile" ^^
No more pain now to the teeths, just because no more teeth.
eh you got a good price, 32 teeths off, instead one. Don't be angry, you should be luck I don't ask you to pay some more... :D



I can remember another "crazy" story, I think it was in England, too. A woman cut her ex's sex and put it to the bin, just because there was something wrong between them...
so, can man guess he should be careful now with his wife and beware of his ex?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JamesM.Roberts on May 03, 2012, 02:34:08 pm

Breaking up is never easy -- having 32 teeth ripped out is even worse.


I can one up that one.....This man was lucky!
Shortly after my divorce was finalized. My Ex contacted me telling me how she had contracted a STD ( I knew she had cheated on me-leading to our split) So off to the local Health clinic I go. Almost needless to say, but I checked out fine. Just a little traumatized from the 4 inch swab going where a 4 inch swab should NEVER go.  :'( Well played Ex........well played (looking back I can laugh-  at the time-would've rather had my teeth pulled)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on May 04, 2012, 02:47:11 am
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!" The drunk muttered in response "Well, f#*k me!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on May 05, 2012, 06:01:59 pm
This isnt really funny...but dont know where else to put it to share with you:

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired"
"I'm 76 and Tired" )
 
This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in   Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand  and
to all the world...
 
"I'm 76 and I'm Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and  I'm tired. Very tired. 
 
I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.     
   
I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I
can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and
daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight
offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't
"believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning
teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the
genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and
Shari'a law tells them to. 
   
I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let
Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques
and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand ,
UK, America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to
fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other
Arab country to teach love and tolerance..   
 
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?
 
I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor. 
 
I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's be-deck themselves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.
 
Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children.   Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.
 

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

This is your chance to make a difference.


" I'm 76 and I'm tired.    If you don't forward this you
are part of  the problem".
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on May 05, 2012, 07:34:01 pm
I'm not even going to waste time checking this but I Doubt Bill Cosby wrote this. It's not his character at least in public. He doesn't have the balls to say this.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 05, 2012, 10:54:37 pm
Personally, I do not care if that was written by Pee Wee Herman, it is still the truth. Politicians and government officials will bend over and smile every time the words oil, Middle East or politically correct are mentioned.Vince is right, Bill Cosby has profited nicely from remaining politically correct and would never,never,never never say anything to offend the administration or the object of their affection/favortism. I am almost certain this post will offend someone, but guess what, I have never, never, never, never, never ever been accused of being politically correct and most likely never will. ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on May 06, 2012, 12:17:53 am
I'm with Robert on this.I don't care who wrote it.whoever wrote it has some very good and valed points.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on May 06, 2012, 03:04:01 am
It's political correctness gone MaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaD!  Stewart Lee - 9 - Political Correctness - 41st Best Stand-Up ever (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGAOCVwLrXo#)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 06, 2012, 10:30:48 am
I really enjoyed that one Phillip.  To the point and funny.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 07, 2012, 07:37:21 am


A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table...He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.









********************************





Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'





********************************





They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.





*********************************





After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.





********************************





The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!





*********************************





'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





'No,' she replies. . ..





Wait for it ...  ....





It's coming  .....  .....





The suspense is killing you, isn't it?





She said ...  ... :





'You just  happened to catch my eye.'





(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)





     
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on May 08, 2012, 06:25:18 am
More practical jokes. This week we went on a mini-holiday to a hot spa with two other couples.

I guess the ladies were discussing the men that evening and the subject of VIAGRA got into the conversation.

 In my bag I carry some headache/sleeping pills. (Tylenol PM) they work wonders and put me to sleep in about 30 minutes. I was tired that night and didnt need any assist in getting to sleep so it was still on the bed table the next morning.

So the next morning my wife took the sleeping pill and gave it to one of the other ladies and told her it was VIAGRA.  Along with  testimony about how well they worked. Later I asked when she was going to tell her the truth. With an evil giggle she she simply said " I'll just wait for the phone call"

That lady is going to be so disappointed.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on May 09, 2012, 06:35:53 am
Recently, I received some messages from different members of this forum. Unfortunately, none of them signed their name. So I was wondering if any of you can tell me who you think they might be, so that I can write back to them and apologise for taking the piss.

1. "If you think I can't have too much PUN, you are wRONg. I CAN. A DAft idea."

2. "I.     Am.     So.    Addicted.     To.     Full.      Stops.     That.     I.    Use.     Them.     Indiscriminately.     But.   I.    hate.    commas."

3. "Your thinking that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence. But I'm really thinking about going UP to see my English Godfather in China."

4. "Your worried that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence, but I'm really worried you might not know when I'm being funny or not."

5. "When I write, I am usually succinct, and to the point. But sometimes I talk a lot about dumplings."

6. "When I Write My Word's, Many Of The Noun's Have Capital's, Like Proper Noun's And Apostrophe's, As If They Are Possessive's Not Plural's, Vielleicht Ein Bischen Wie Deutsch."

7. "Man knows that when I say 'Man', I usually mean 'One' or 'You', peut-etre un peu comme en Allemand."

8. "When I talk about religion, I do it with such zeal, religious knowledge and thoroughness, it would be enough to shame some religious people, even though I am an atheist."

Please can anyone help me identify these people? ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jason B on May 09, 2012, 11:27:26 pm
Please can anyone help me identify these people? ;)

I think that quote is Phillip.........as for the others I have some ideas, but I will let everyone have a turn first.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on May 10, 2012, 03:40:44 am
Three ladies died and went to heven, they met St Peter who said, you can do anything you like as long as you dont step on a duck. The first day they found there were thousands of ducks everywhere and it was almost impossible not to step on one. One of the ladies did step on a duck and next thing there is St Peter who had a really ugly man with him who he chained to her and said you now belong to him for all eternity. Next day another lady stepped on a duck, and St Peter who never misses a thing appeared with another ugly man, whom he chains to the second woman and says you are together for all eternity. The third lady having witnessed the fate of her friends, trod very carefully for three months, and along came St Peter with a handsome man, he chained them together and said you will remain together for all eternity, wow said the woman, wonder what I did to deserve this? Dont know about you said the man, but I stepped on a duck!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 10, 2012, 05:21:54 am
You ain't right Phillip.   But it is funny.  Or as one of our American comedians would say, "i don't care who you are that's funny right there."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 10, 2012, 06:54:45 am

Subject: I'm Jobless

 


 












I just got sacked from my job with Lifeline


Someone called Mohammad phoned and said,


"I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".


All I said was,  "Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on May 10, 2012, 05:43:13 pm
Recently, I received some messages from different members of this forum. Unfortunately, none of them signed their name. So I was wondering if any of you can tell me who you think they might be, so that I can write back to them and apologise for taking the piss.

1. "If you think I can't have too much PUN, you are wRONg. I CAN. A DAft idea."

2. "I.     Am.     So.    Addicted.     To.     Full.      Stops.     That.     I.    Use.     Them.     Indiscriminately.     But.   I.    hate.    commas."

3. "Your thinking that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence. But I'm really thinking about going UP to see my English Godfather in China."

4. "Your worried that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence, but I'm really worried you might not know when I'm being funny or not."

5. "When I write, I am usually succinct, and to the point. But sometimes I talk a lot about dumplings."

6. "When I Write My Word's, Many Of The Noun's Have Capital's, Like Proper Noun's And Apostrophe's, As If They Are Possessive's Not Plural's, Vielleicht Ein Bischen Wie Deutsch."

7. "Man knows that when I say 'Man', I usually mean 'One' or 'You', peut-etre un peu comme en Allemand."

8. "When I talk about religion, I do it with such zeal, religious knowledge and thoroughness, it would be enough to shame some religious people, even though I am an atheist."

Please can anyone help me identify these people? ;)

Philip,

If we had the old reward points system, I would give you at least 5 for this post....brilliant !!!

I am not game to name names....but I think No. 1 must be Rhon in Canada...but that's just a guess  (chuckle )
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on May 10, 2012, 08:43:16 pm
I am not game to name names....but I think No. 1 must be Rhon in Canada...but that's just a guess  (chuckle )

Did you write this after supper Mr ate?

The only one I haven't figured out yet is number 7. 3 & 4 I am not totally sure but think I have a limey idea I have rubbed their shoulders before. The rest I am positive about.  ::)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on May 11, 2012, 01:21:38 am
Could 7 be in France....peut etra ??

Could Our Wee Scottish friend have got a mention in 3 ....Och aye ??

As for Mr ate....he Dont believe youre seriousFor a momant !!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on May 13, 2012, 10:01:50 am
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informed the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering - what if things don't work out...? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted: "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!  Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer!?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on May 13, 2012, 10:07:03 am
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years".

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Bed Hard!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?""I quit!" said the man. "Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on May 13, 2012, 10:40:45 am
could 5 be martin? ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 13, 2012, 12:39:37 pm
OK no one haly wanted to take a stab at it so I will do it.

1. Rhon
2. Maxx
3. Willy
4. Rob
5. Martin
6. Arnold
7. Sly
8. David E
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on May 13, 2012, 02:15:07 pm
OK no one haly wanted to take a stab at it so I will do it.

3. Willy
4. Rob

Recently, I received some messages from different members of this forum. Unfortunately, none of them signed their name. So I was wondering if any of you can tell me who you think they might be, so that I can write back to them and apologise for taking the piss.


3. "Your thinking that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence. But I'm really thinking about going UP to see my English Godfather in China."

4. "Your worried that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence, but I'm really worried you might not know when I'm being funny or not."


Please can anyone help me identify these people? ;)


I would switch Willy to #4 and where I first also thought Rob for #3 - I flipped to Philip as Rob is Scottish while Philip would need to travel up to China from Hong Kong. I know that the word "UP" is capitalized so could refer to height - but because of the specific reference to Jargon and the letter "E" I think it is reference to particular English that only a green lemon would understand  ;D

Since Wily has had times written in silliness & sometimes seriousness, I pegged him at number 4. Only 7 has eluded me and I have also though Sly but when I tried to find his writing style that matched the "Man" reference, I was found lacking that Isle of an idea.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on May 14, 2012, 08:29:49 am
Shaun and Michael. 10 Brownie points each (well, 11 for Shaun for getting in first)
Rhon, you think too much! There is nothing cryptic about the 'e' - it, along with the apostrophe, simply expresses the distinction between "YOUR", (as in "YOUR WIFE IS CHINESE") and "YOU'RE", (as in "YOU'RE CANADIAN").
Being a teacher from a family of teachers is a curse sometimes. Like Roger Rabbit, who, after hearing "Da-da-da-da-da" cannot stop himself from responding, "Da da!", when hearing the English language used incorrectly, I have to bite my tongue from correcting it. I only usually mention it to teachers, who should know better, especially if they are teaching students the wrong thing.
I apologise to anyone who may have been offended by my little joke quiz. It was intended just to be a laugh. Also, it is a credit to those people's original style, that their writing can be so instantly identifiable.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on May 14, 2012, 12:28:35 pm
Shaun and Michael. 10 Brownie points each (well, 11 for Shaun for getting in first)
 Also, it is a credit to those people's original style, that their writing can be so instantly identifiable.

Well, being the designer of the soda quiz, and I did like it, also falls the responsibility when conflicting answers could be considered. First, I would say that eventhough Shaun penned in first, Michael was the one who got them right. Shaun's answer to 3 & 4 was switched with Wiliy at 3, not 4. And I still stand by my statement that you as well could have been number 3 as being English and to travel to Mainland China from Hong Kong you would proceed UP!

The main reason I did not chose Rob for #3 is as you contradict in your last statement "those people's original style, that their writing can be so instantly identifiable." - is that the #3 Clue did not sound at all like Robbie's writing style and my emphasis on it must be a real Englishman's vernacular.

I Think too much - no argument here as I do like quizzes and do suffer from too much analytical thinking which can be a bumer  :o
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on May 14, 2012, 03:39:57 pm
I thought i was number 3 as I normally make spelling mistakes ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on May 14, 2012, 05:25:45 pm
Yes, Rhon, my mistake. I clearly don't think enough. Michael is the champion.
Some of them are about the writing style and some of them are about use of grammar, with clues thrown in.
Number 3, bless him, has to be Rob, who freely admits his spelling and grammatical deficiencies. If it had been me who mistook 'your' for 'you're', I would have been lynched by my entire family for crimes against the English language.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 14, 2012, 09:06:13 pm
Ah!!   Phillip is sadly mistaken.  He has been led astray by and Canadian who is reported to actually have his wife living with him.  He is so overcome with joy that he doesn't know what he is saying half of the time and we are sure of the other half.  ;D

I can see it is that old Anti-American opinion that has done this yet again.   :o Oops, Mike is American.

I still maintain that mine is correct.  ::) :-X
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 14, 2012, 10:03:42 pm
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/548304_354237247972877_284739208256015_957882_298730232_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on May 14, 2012, 10:33:35 pm
I still maintain that mine is correct.  ::) :-X

"That Mine"... has I Ron in it!

Yes Philip, I will concede that I was wrong - and just as you observed, that where my first instinct was correct in being that Scot'sman, I over Analyzed and fell off the proper answer.

I can see it is that old Anti-American opinion that has done this yet again.   :o Oops, Mike is American.

What - you just jealous because Mike briefly lived up yonder? Don't worry Shaun as us Canadians still think of you fellows as family. After all, what do you think the "A" in USA means eh?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on May 14, 2012, 10:56:37 pm
He has been led astray by and Canadian who is reported to actually have his wife living with him.  He is so overcome with joy that he doesn't know what he is saying half of the time and we are sure of the other half.  ;D

And know we come upon something said in jest, but alas, also has a ring of truth to it. I have been amiss with postings about my wife's new life here as I am confronted by that woe of caution " Be careful for what you wish for...".

Not that things are neither good nor bad, but just different! I understand now that I would rather have a life more simple, but have added a degree of complexity that I am still adjusting too. Maybe soon I will start my own thread to stitch the time for others that are mending their own waiting period. I think part of the reason I haven't yet is because I feel a sense of guilt that I have my wife here with me while others  still wait their own reconciliation.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on May 15, 2012, 03:54:20 am
crimes against the English language.

Being Scottish I will always do crimes against the english language.... ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on May 15, 2012, 05:04:42 am
All kidding aside, Ron adjustments are normal even with a local woman.  I can't even begin to imagine what they will be with a woman from China but I do believe that it will be a little more intense for you as well as for your wife.

Take your time and don't feel guilty.  You waited more than your fair amount of time.  When I get a little low about my lengthy wait I simply don't come to the site.  When I am feeling better about it then I want to read about others success so post when you are ready and I will read when I am ready.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on May 15, 2012, 05:38:02 pm
And know we come upon something said in jest, but alas, also has a ring of truth to it. I have been amiss with postings about my wife's new life here as I am confronted by that woe of caution " Be careful for what you wish for...".

Not that things are neither good nor bad, but just different! I understand now that I would rather have a life more simple, but have added a degree of complexity that I am still adjusting too. Maybe soon I will start my own thread to stitch the time for others that are mending their own waiting period. I think part of the reason I haven't yet is because I feel a sense of guilt that I have my wife here with me while others  still wait their own reconciliation.

OK Rhon....it's time for a little cold, hard talking from your Antipodean designated cynic...........

Now is time to step aside from your whimsy for a while and just be happy to wallow in your own happiness.

I always found great help and moral support reading here on the Forum about all the other Bros who were being united with their Brides in their own Country whilst I was "patiently" waiting for Mings visa to materialise !!...it gave me reinforcement of faith that my turn would come....and maybe, just maybe I did not need to be careful of what I wished for...because it WAS coming true and it was great.

The Universe will make sure that you will get your dues...already it has guided you through a mountain of trials and tribulations to the point you are at the moment.

Sure, you (and I and many others) have dived out of our little personal rut and completed the "Chinese Adventure"....we went through various degrees of hell to get there...and we DESERVE the reward, even though in the early days we can see that our lives have been made more complex by the addition of our Foreign Bride.

But dont forget there is very little difference between a rut and a grave...about 5 ft 4 "....!!!!!!

So get posting, share you plusses and minusses with the guys who truly understand and are always ready to listen and to help.

Be proud of what you wished for...it DID come true   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 26, 2012, 12:35:37 am
Love it this one
> >>>
> >>> The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
> >>>
> >>> Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
> >>> productive salesmanship.
> >>>
> >>> Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
> >>> she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
> >>> customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
> >>>
> >>> success." "Very good," said the teacher.
> >>>
> >>> Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and
> >>> I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on
> >>> current events." "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.
> >>>
> >>> Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
> >>> Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a
> >>> box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
> >>> "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
> >>>
> >>> "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
> >>>
> >>> "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
> >>> enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
> >>>
> >>> "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up
> >>> a Dip& Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free
> >>> sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog
> >>> shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a
> >>> toothbrush?" "I used the Gillard and Obama approach of giving you something
> >>> shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your
> >>> mouth."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 26, 2012, 12:38:01 am
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
"Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When
you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there
at attention?

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
said, "No, no I didn't! All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
couple of old duffel bags."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 26, 2012, 12:40:57 am
SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT..and remember, life is good.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 26, 2012, 07:00:08 am
The  Bathtub Test                                             
During  a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether  or not an older person should be put in an old age  home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we  offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the  bathtub."



"Oh,  I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket  because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No,"  he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a  bed near the window?"


ARE  YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON...OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO  MINE?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 29, 2012, 02:28:46 am
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 
































        "Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.   She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey,   you haven't got   an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,   right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then,   this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table,   run upstairs   and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy  that Daddy's car  just
pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later   the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says,         "Swimming pool?

Is this

486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713.....


sorry wrong number
 

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on June 10, 2012, 03:31:58 am

My Favorite Animal
 
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
 
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
 I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
 
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
 
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
 
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
 
Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 10, 2012, 09:53:02 am
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease...  it's just that you look so much like my late son". He answered "That's okay". "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum". The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85" said the clerk. "What the hell!? How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" The clerk replied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on June 10, 2012, 09:54:28 am
The bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is we put the prisoner in the prison".

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped".

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him". After the second time they spent wrapped in each other's arms, the guy reaches for his cigarettes. But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile. "Honey" she says "the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with something like the unsteady legs of a recently-born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him again and says "Honey, the prisoner escaped another time".

Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her "Hey! It's NOT a life sentence he's serving! HE GOT OUT ON PROBATION!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on June 23, 2012, 10:02:43 pm
Read the caption before making judgment.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on June 24, 2012, 12:42:23 am
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jqW971Glj3Y/TyM2jjUGkbI/AAAAAAAAIM0/vl4WS2lJezk/s1600/alien_democrats_registered_vote_1310755.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on June 24, 2012, 02:51:26 am
Read the caption before making judgment.

Sorry Pineau......

That is not funny......it's nauseating....

Maybe this post belonged in the "why I went Chinese" thread ?????    ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on June 24, 2012, 03:39:24 am
Yes. It is a bit gross but that is not what is funny.  Go back and read the caption on the photo then have another look.  It is a tiny bit funny...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on June 24, 2012, 03:51:42 am
Yes. It is a bit gross but that is not what is funny.  Go back and read the caption on the photo then have another look.  It is a tiny bit funny...

Yep, I did read the caption and THAT was funny

....as for the rest......... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-\ :-\ :-\
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on July 06, 2012, 01:11:52 am
how to speak NZese
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 06, 2012, 09:38:42 pm
Weather forecast ;)

Hot Weather in Richmond this Weekend (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVEPvXBEOSE#ws)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 08, 2012, 01:30:12 am
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/422166_348122658559476_230138671_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 08, 2012, 03:58:13 am
Why shoot someone in the back when they are running away.? Or is the joke that it is just for Florida neighborhood nightwatch staff?

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 08, 2012, 10:44:18 am
Why shoot someone in the back when they are running away.? Or is the joke that it is just for Florida neighborhood nightwatch staff?

Willy

The same reason I do not pick a tick of my dog and throw it on back on the ground! If a person is in my house without my permission or knowledge then they have forfeited all rights to their own personal safety. I doubt they are concerned with my family's safety and I could care less than a rat's ass for theirs. I would rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6. And I do not care what color the intruder is, I treat all intruders equally! :)

P.S. The picture was a joke , but my reply is serious!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 08, 2012, 11:07:14 am
Why shoot someone in the back when they are running away.? Or is the joke that it is just for Florida neighborhood nightwatch staff?

Willy

The same reason I do not pick a tick of my dog and throw it on back on the ground! If a person is in my house without my permission or knowledge then they have forfeited all rights to their own personal safety. I doubt they are concerned with my family's safety and I could care less than a rat's ass for theirs. I would rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6. And I do not care what color the intruder is, I treat all intruders equally! :)

P.S. The picture was a joke , but my reply is serious!

Ok my further answer is also serious.  If the intruder was leaving your property without causing any damage to any member of the household is it still ok  for him to be shot in the back?  In my time it was 'always make sure the hole goes in the front'.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 08, 2012, 01:05:42 pm
Why shoot someone in the back when they are running away.? Or is the joke that it is just for Florida neighborhood nightwatch staff?

Willy

The same reason I do not pick a tick of my dog and throw it on back on the ground! If a person is in my house without my permission or knowledge then they have forfeited all rights to their own personal safety. I doubt they are concerned with my family's safety and I could care less than a rat's ass for theirs. I would rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6. And I do not care what color the intruder is, I treat all intruders equally! :)

P.S. The picture was a joke , but my reply is serious!

Ok my further answer is also serious.  If the intruder was leaving your property without causing any damage to any member of the household is it still ok  for him to be shot in the back?  In my time it was 'always make sure the hole goes in the front'.

Willy

Willy,
   To give you an honest answer, I honestly do not know what I would do in that situation.I guess it really depends on my mood that day, I guess I could attempt to detain them without any harm to them and offer to pay for 2-3 years of therapy for them so they do not feel the need to rob, murder, kidnap or rape other people. Do you think I should just make them a key also, so they will not have to break the window or jimmy the door next time, would that be the politically correct response to the scenario? If they were leaving I would have to assume they were armed also since I keep other guns at home so their fate is in their hands and their actions will determine my reaction. Either way if I see them and can stop them I will. The method I use depends on them!So I will not predict what actions may take place in that situation, it is just nice to know that ( unlike some countries) I can defend my property and family with having to resort to fisticuffs or waiting for some under-paid and over-worked law enforcement person to arrive ( most of the time too late). You really should read more news stories from America, most cities are having problems with home invasions with assaults, I understand you do not like guns and that is your choice! I was brought up around guns, received fire arms training in  the military and I enjoy target shooting. I followed the legal route by registering my guns and I also have a concealed weapons permit issues by the probate judge of the county I reside in. Guns rights will always be a part of American society regardless of what the politicians want!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on July 08, 2012, 01:24:05 pm
Ok my further answer is also serious.  If the intruder was leaving your property without causing any damage to any member of the household is it still ok  for him to be shot in the back?  In my time it was 'always make sure the hole goes in the front'.

Willy

As Robertt said - and to add to it, it depends on the circumstances as well. I remember coming upstairs from watching a movie in my TV room, and having a stranger sitting on my sofa in the dark in the living room. We make a habit of keeping the front door locked, but someone must have forgotten to lock it. This stranger was a bit drunk and had mistakenly wandered into our house from next door. His demeanor and my alertness told me no danger, even though I was shocked at the time.

But if it is the wee hours of the morning and I have just been stirred from slumber, how the heck can I know what damage or violence the intruder did on my property before bravely running away? So it does depend on circumstances wether there be one angry shot. On a side note, I remember the antics of us youth come fall time raiding the neighbours gardens for some carrots and peas before splitting over the fence. I would hate to think that I could have risked being peppered in my behind with buckshot.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 08, 2012, 04:39:23 pm
Can I join this dance?

Willy, you're on the assumption that someone will break in see someone there and run away? Maybe there is a 1% chance of that, but experience (from the news and word of mouth) 99% of the time they come in shooting, pistol whipping and at best have you tied up as they rampage through your things. It's a daily event down here in south Florida. Given time to get a plan if needed I know what I would do.

Living in a home that was broken into a half dozen times and also set on fire I know where they (think) they are coming in at. By the way most break ins are during the day.

So, having a weapon at each point of the home within reach no matter which room I'm in. First if they attempt a break in and ignore the alarm and proceed? They will be carried out. But just one shotgun and I'm not looking to shoot anyone but if I have to? If they come in and run away... they are free.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 08, 2012, 09:17:00 pm
There is a saying.  "Kill them all and let God sort them out."  ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 08, 2012, 10:44:22 pm
You are all missing my point. 

I am not saying that you should not have protection in your own home.  You should have whatever means available to you to protect yourself and your kin.   In some countries where standards on life are very low, and I place the USA into that category, then you have to go these lengths for protection.

If someone broke into my house house and was violating a family member I would kill that person without question.  And the law will allow that.

My observation was based on the item, either an advert or what I do not know but it says ' If you cannot run at 850 feet per second your ass better be bullet proof' which implies to me that if anyone is running AWAY from you then shoot them.

This is the sort of attitude that gives the USA a bad name.  It goes alongside all those politicians that are clamouring for the Wlkileaks man to be tried for treason and executed when all he has done is embarras the US Government.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on July 08, 2012, 11:39:54 pm
Willy it is a attempt at humor.And a warning to thoose who would in crouch on somebody elses property.

U.S.A poor standerd of living? your gonna have to explain that one to me.And explain to me how you come to this conclusion.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on July 08, 2012, 11:53:11 pm
Willy...

Are you sure someone isn't putting something in your tea ???....you are digging a lot of big holes lately...maybe it's just an age thing ??....or are you being mischevious again  ;D ;D ;D

I would make one small point....

If somebody half-crazed on drugs, with a knife or a gun, and is attacking somebody in your family...how the heck do you plan to kill them...with your bare hands, or the yard brush....you wouldn't even get close before you too became a victim.

That the Law allows you to kill them is right and proper......how you can manage it is yet another story.

Give me 2300 ft/sec from a 0.223 and I dont care whether they are running towards me or away....they wont ever do it again !!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 09, 2012, 12:17:15 am
Willy it is a attempt at humor.And a warning to thoose who would in crouch on somebody elses property.

U.S.A poor standerd of living? your gonna have to explain that one to me.And explain to me how you come to this conclusion.

Not standard of living Maxx. Standard of life.    Life is getting less valuable in the USA to some sections.   Your murder and manslaughter rate is quite high for a modern country. Then again after only two hundred years old so its still a new country.   But I will say that the UK is also heading the same way.   There is a reason but that is another question.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 09, 2012, 12:27:51 am
Willy...

Are you sure someone isn't putting something in your tea ???....you are digging a lot of big holes lately...maybe it's just an age thing ??....or are you being mischevious again  ;D ;D ;D

I would make one small point....

If somebody half-crazed on drugs, with a knife or a gun, and is attacking somebody in your family...how the heck do you plan to kill them...with your bare hands, or the yard brush....you wouldn't even get close before you too became a victim.

That the Law allows you to kill them is right and proper......how you can manage it is yet another story.

Give me 2300 ft/sec from a 0.223 and I dont care whether they are running towards me or away....they wont ever do it again !!!!

I am surprised that even you are not reading what I say.  No where in that item does it say someone has broke into your home, raped a woman, buggered the dog or anything else .  It just says ' If you cannot run at 850 feet per second your ass better be bullet proof'  So as no one on earth can run at that speed then does it mean that you can just shoot anyone in the back?  Just a simple question. Not asked for reasons why you would shoot someone just asked would you use a gun on the way the advert/item suggests. 

Mischevious maybe.  But only I would know that! 8)

Willy

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on July 09, 2012, 01:09:53 am
Not asked for reasons why you would shoot someone just asked would you use a gun on the way the advert/item suggests. 

Willy

Willy, then your understanding of the poster's meaning is different then mine. The poster, to me, implies that if you are going to mess with me, then you better have some superior power, be it quick reflexes or a donkey as a body guard. With the expression " you mess with me and I am going to kick your ass" I could make a similar poster and put Nunchakus on it instead of a pistol. But I will agree with you that the poster's bravado could instill the wrong message in more juvenile minds leading to pursing negotiations through superior firepower.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 09, 2012, 03:38:29 am
Not asked for reasons why you would shoot someone just asked would you use a gun on the way the advert/item suggests. 

Willy

Willy, then your understanding of the poster's meaning is different then mine. The poster, to me, implies that if you are going to mess with me, then you better have some superior power, be it quick reflexes or a donkey as a body guard. With the expression " you mess with me and I am going to kick your ass" I could make a similar poster and put Nunchakus on it instead of a pistol. But I will agree with you that the poster's bravado could instill the wrong message in more juvenile minds leading to pursing negotiations through superior firepower.

Well Rhonald if those eloquent words means that you understand my point of view then I agree with you.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 09, 2012, 06:55:42 am
Willy, all joking aside.  There are laws that apply to this.  The law does not allow one to shoot a person running away.  You will end up in jail doing that.  Imminent danger is the only provision for shooting a perp.

Here is a legal description; "Some laws allow use of deadly force when imminent danger is present. Typical considerations to find imminent danger include the attacker’s apparent intent to cause great bodily injury or death, the device used by the attacker to cause great bodily injury or death, and the attacker’s opportunity and ability to use the means to cause great bodily injury of death."

"Some laws," means some states and I think you would find that most states allow this.  If the attacker has quit and is walking away then the imminent danger law does not apply.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 09, 2012, 07:13:06 am
Willy,
  The image is basically a warning to others not to trespass.I know you have seen peoples lawns with the signs advertising their burglar alarms systems. The first  sign is along the same train of thought with a funny twist. Here is another popular sign I see quite often here in the south! You are going to love this one! ;)

(http://www.decalsnsigns.com/DSCN2331.JPG)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on July 09, 2012, 03:28:11 pm

If someone broke into my house house and was violating a family member I would kill that person without question.  And the law will allow that.

Willy

Yes I did read what you said Willy. Amongst other things, I noted your comments as above. As you are anti-gun I just wondered how you would deal with such a situation as described. I would (and anybody would) feel the sense of outrage and horror at such a situation and would be compelled to "deal" with the attacker............but how....that is the question.

Calling the Police is the obvious solution, but by the time they got there, maybe you would be dead/attacked too, if you had no means to defend yourself, or your family member.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on July 09, 2012, 07:37:37 pm
I just read a story on MSN about a guy in England who got a 90.00 ticket for checking out a woman's rear end.While he was driving down the road.He wasn't swerving or hanging out the window.He didn't Even whistle at her.But the limey cops still gave him a ticket.

Hey Willy welcome to the Start of the British empire Total control policy over there subjects.Next you all will be goose stepping and saluting the prime minister.Or bowing down and kisssing his ass when he walks by.I bet you all  wished you had kept all those weapons we gave you back in the 40's.

Remember Willy when they are tattooing a number on your arm.And you are  standing  in front of a death panel.Waiting for some no account politician.To pass judgment on you and your worth to the British empire.Remember We tried to warn you.That you needed to be able to protect yourself.Even from your own government.

I'd take another toke from my smoke.But I'm afraid I would choke.When I read a story about a man from England.Who gets fined for checking out the scenery.Somebody save us all from jacked up politicians and there inane laws.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on July 09, 2012, 07:59:50 pm
i think i got this from this forum.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 09, 2012, 10:14:47 pm
I just read a story on MSN about a guy in England who got a 90.00 ticket for checking out a woman's rear end.While he was driving down the road.He wasn't swerving or hanging out the window.He didn't Even whistle at her.But the limey cops still gave him a ticket.

Hey Willy welcome to the Start of the British empire Total control policy over there subjects.Next you all will be goose stepping and saluting the prime minister.Or bowing down and kisssing his ass when he walks by.I bet you all  wished you had kept all those weapons we gave you back in the 40's.

Remember Willy when they are tattooing a number on your arm.And you are  standing  in front of a death panel.Waiting for some no account politician.To pass judgment on you and your worth to the British empire.Remember We tried to warn you.That you needed to be able to protect yourself.Even from your own government.

I'd take another toke from my smoke.But I'm afraid I would choke.When I read a story about a man from England.Who gets fined for checking out the scenery.Somebody save us all from jacked up politicians and there inane laws.
What you or the report did not say was that at the time he was oogling some biddies butt he was also using his cell phone.  That is dangerous and a no go in the UK but then unlike others we are interested in protecting innocent people and 'driving without consideration to other road users'.

The rest of your insights are not worthy of receiving any comment whatsoever A) because I do not understand them and B) I don't think you do either.
But remember YOU and FELLOW Americans, present and before, made the USA the ultra safe place it is today!!!

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 09, 2012, 10:28:02 pm

Yes I did read what you said Willy. Amongst other things, I noted your comments as above. As you are anti-gun I just wondered how you would deal with such a situation as described. I would (and anybody would) feel the sense of outrage and horror at such a situation and would be compelled to "deal" with the attacker............but how....that is the question.

Calling the Police is the obvious solution, but by the time they got there, maybe you would be dead/attacked too, if you had no means to defend yourself, or your family member.
[/quote]

Anti Gun - maybe now.  Not always.  I have had to many encounters in that quarter. What I am now against is the blaise way people, who have never had a real life experience, talk about guns in a ' I am a big I am' way because they have a gun.

All I will say is that I was never born with the names I now have. 

Maybe I should get this thread back to being just a laugh!

Willy






Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on July 10, 2012, 12:38:39 am
Willy there was no mention of a cell phone.In the story I read.So this tells me that either the story I read was missing all the facts.Or that the story you read was twisted by the media.To warrent two bored Limey cops to look like hero's.The world may never know the truth of the matter.

I seen That you posted something about violence in America and you mentioned.The Zimmerman shooting.That is where the Mexican guy shot the black Kid While the Mexican was doing neighborhood watch patrol.The Media made Zimmerman out to be a cold blooded killer.Who is a racist and a cold blooded killer wanting to kill someone.I don't think the guy is a racist.I think he just got himself stuck in something that he wasn't capable of handling.The reason I bring this up is because. of the media and the half truths they print.They almost got another couple killed with the same last name.After the media released there home address.And it was picked up by someone on Twitter.Who passed the information on to a Fa mouse American.Who passed it along to all his followers on twitter.The elderly couple had to flee there house.And hide with some relatives with a different last name.In a different state.After they received death threats.

I was going to give you a history lesson.On how something like this can spiral out of control.You know government's in acting more laws to control the masses.While they feed and steal from the people.All the while they are telling us it is for are own safety.All threw the media.But you and I have ben down this rd before so there isn't much point in going down it again.

If the truth be known I'm not a huge fan of Guns.But like some of the others have posted.I do believe that they are a scary evil.To protect ones self and loved ones from the evil man doe's do to his fellow man.

I read another story on MSN tonight.It was the story of a mentally ill man.Who was killed by the police.After he pointed a toy gun at the police officer.The sad part of the while story was.That the cops were supposed to know that the gun was not real.The victims family called 911 and told the 911 operator that the man had a gun but it wasn't a real gun.So why did the cops kill the man?

Probably because the story I read didn't tell the whole story.And maybe the victims family is looking for a payday.Or maybe the guy had  a knife and lunged at the cops.And the cops shot the guy to protect themselves.The world mite never know the truth.

I know this is a long post.And it kind of rambles.I have had 4 hours sleep in the last 24 hours.My point is unless you were there actually  there watching what was going on.You never know what really happens.Because what is posted on the enternet.Or whatever you get off the nightly news.IT Is probably not the whole story.And you probably shouldn't be jumping to conclusions
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 10, 2012, 12:43:27 am
well Willy,
I will say you are the lone beacon of sanity in “just for a laugh”. and bravely stayed your course. I commend you for that.
for one thing...it is always personal conjectures that foul any argument..too many what if's? if “X” happens, then I do “Y”. guns are made to kill. like, kill people. we conveniently forget this. 
basically, most people are idiots when armed. they assume certain invincibilities of whatever their fancy.
when it comes all down to crunch time, it is a different story. they do not know how they will react.

I will say one thing...the quality of life does come into question when people feel the need to be armed to protect themselves.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on July 10, 2012, 02:24:28 am
guns are made to kill. like, kill people. we conveniently forget this. 
basically, most people are idiots when armed. they assume certain invincibilities of whatever their fancy.

I will say one thing...the quality of life does come into question when people feel the need to be armed to protect themselves.

Guns are made to kill - Starter pistol, stun gun, nail gun, BB gun, tazer, water gun are all forms of guns that are not designed for this purpose.

I will agree with the second statement and its supporting 3rd statement, but it also needs to be expanded to include other tools of violence. With no easy access to guns, then knives become the next choice of destruction. The USA has a problem with guns that Willy likes to take a shot at but I will inturn take a stab at a UK problem.

http://www.mail-archive.com/firearmsregprof@lists.ucla.edu/msg00867.html (http://www.mail-archive.com/firearmsregprof@lists.ucla.edu/msg00867.html)

The last statement in regards to quality of life is bang on the money and is an unfortunate reality in many places in the world. I would hazard a guess that most people who are armed do not feel invincible but feel scared and use the weapon as a crutch to mask their fear. It takes many hours of training to be able to use a wepon proficiently, be it a gun, knife, or martial art. If the weapon of choice - being guns in the USA - is some how restricted, then the next availble alternative causes the same problems.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on July 10, 2012, 03:57:40 am
In the early 80's I was attacked IN my home. IF I had a gun I would have shot the f*&^%s, but I didn't, vengeance was done a couple of months later by my family members...

A few years later when my ex split from me I wished I  had a gun then. I would definitely not be here today if I had 'had' one then...

And this statement may ound stupid and confusing but I'm anti violence.

As for the press, they are usually always printing untruths or missing information to 'sell' papers

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 10, 2012, 04:58:15 am



The last statement in regards to quality of life is bang on the money and is an unfortunate reality in many places in the world. I would hazard a guess that most people who are armed do not feel invincible but feel scared and use the weapon as a crutch to mask their fear. It takes many hours of training to be able to use a wepon proficiently, be it a gun, knife, or martial art. If the weapon of choice - being guns in the USA - is some how restricted, then the next availble alternative causes the same problems.
Your right Rhonald most people who carry weapons in the UK do so because they are afraid.  But they end up not actually using them and themselves are the victims of the very weapons they bought to cover their own fear.   Training is the answer. There was a time when all and sundry in the police in the UK were handed guns on special events whether experienced or not.  But most had no idea how to use them.  I can remember a time when an officer was carrying out a search in a bedroom. Revolver in right hand and that was the hand he used to support himself as he was trying to search under the bed with his left hand.  Then bang the gun went off.  Blood coming from a very small bundle in the bed later revealed that the shot had killed a baby that had been sleeping there.

It still took a long time before firearm training became a regular but only then for a small number of police officers who were considered mentally suited to carry guns.

I am talking of experience from the front line and think. I am not against guns. I am against the average man in the street where ever they are living having access to them.  And flippant remarks and posters about guns are abhorrent to me.

Yet today another unarmed police office in the UK was shot dead going to help a neighbour who had been shot.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 10, 2012, 07:08:31 am
Willy it is a attempt at humor.And a warning to thoose who would in crouch on somebody elses property.

U.S.A poor standerd of living? your gonna have to explain that one to me.And explain to me how you come to this conclusion.

Not standard of living Maxx. Standard of life.    Life is getting less valuable in the USA to some sections.   Your murder and manslaughter rate is quite high for a modern country. Then again after only two hundred years old so its still a new country.   But I will say that the UK is also heading the same way.   There is a reason but that is another question.

Willy

Life is not getting less valuable, some people just place a higher value on their and their family's lives. Where I live it takes about 10-20 minutes for law enforcement to arrive here, so it is actually a necessity to be able to protect your family and property. I am just thankful that I can do it legally, because it will be done either way! 8)
       I understand your point about the sign implying they will be shot in the back, that is actually meant to be funny. Just a warning to imply that unless they can outrun the bullet they had better not trespass up on your property because they possibly will be shot or shot at! ;)


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on July 10, 2012, 08:14:50 am
     I understand your point about the sign implying they will be shot in the back, that is actually meant to be funny.

And there lies the gist of it - If I remember correctly, there was heated debate about North Americans not understanding British humour. This poster is as being straight in your face, American style, macho humour. But underlining much humour, are truisms that can touch a nerve as it has done here.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 10, 2012, 08:35:31 am
You all (Y'all) made some good points and I'm taking some from each.

Maxx had a point about the media and being the Zimmerman case is not far from here, I saw the media lay out their bullshit. Causing near riots by doing so. The media made reported statements of assumptions. At first it was said that Zimmerman shot the kid in the back and the photos released were of the kid at 10 years old. The fact is the kid was bigger then Zimmerman and 17. I am NOT saying Zimmerman was in the right or did the right thing. Two common environments crossed paths. A kid with an attitude and a weak man feeling power from a firearm (people are idiots when armed). I've said for years that a street level gun toter is afraid, doesn't know how to fight one on one. Wussies.

And to Rob, (A few years later when my ex split from me I wished I had a gun then.)  I did at the time and what I did was hand all my guns over to my next door neighbor, a NYC cop and had him put it in his safe (gun safe) incase the ex said I pulled a gun on her??

As for the guy that had the fake gun surrounded by cops. Place yourself in the cops position. Even if told it was reported as a fake gun? you don't know how true that is. He wouldn't comply and they weren't taking chances.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 10, 2012, 10:06:33 am


As for the guy that had the fake gun surrounded by cops. Place yourself in the cops position. Even if told it was reported as a fake gun? you don't know how true that is. He wouldn't comply and they weren't taking chances.
Good point Vince.  It does not matter how much training a person has.  When an item is pointed at them, then in a split millisecond someone has to decide to shoot or be shot.

 While we have this gun culture more and more people will die by error.  A packet of sweets bulging in the pocket, a man with a item wrapped up that in a drunken state he declares is a gun (was a tubular table leg) a man going to his inside pocket for id. All these have died in that split second.  All this took place in London.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on July 10, 2012, 11:22:52 am
Well to bring this subject back on track here's a video. Not sure if all can see it? (youtube)

Denis Leary - Kiss My A$$ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0V8dlPFPyA#ws)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 10, 2012, 09:58:46 pm
Great Video Vince.

I particularly liked the last 3 or 4 seconds.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on July 11, 2012, 03:39:02 am
haha loved the video Vince ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on July 12, 2012, 09:29:46 am
http://youtu.be/ZcuYjDR2tSg (http://youtu.be/ZcuYjDR2tSg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 12, 2012, 07:50:02 pm
It's not funny to make fun of the people from Georgia, Gerry.  They might come hunting for you, with their big a$$ shark.  ;D


Of course to be perfectly honest with you it happened so fast I don't really know if the shark had a big a$$ or not.  ::)

But it did remind me of the persons singing in a recent video called "Kiss my a$$."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 12, 2012, 10:01:51 pm

But it did remind me of the persons singing in a recent video called "Kiss my a$$."

C'mon Shaun you got me going again about that vid.  I get the last bit about the explosions on rewind and I laugh and laugh and laugh.   Wonder why it appeals to me.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on July 13, 2012, 04:03:34 am
Shaun, Sorry i did not see the offensive remarks posted with the video. But I thought they spoke Russian in Georgia ???

I should go back for a refresher in sensitivity training.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 13, 2012, 07:41:39 pm
This morning I had to go to Dublin, Georgia for a meeting.  Woke up at 4am.  It was kind of nice driving before the sun came up.  I was going a lot faster than I should have been when suddenly I saw blue light begin to flash in my rear view mirror.

It was then I noticed that it had started sprinkling rain as the sun was coming up.  I pulled over and waited for the police officer to walk up to my car.  It sure was taking him a while to exit his car.  I got my drivers license, registration and insurance ready for him.  Then I began to think maybe I should include my concealed weapons permit so I added it.

When he arrived I saw why it took so long.  He was getting his rain gear and he didn't look real happy about it.  He asked me if I knew how fast I was going and I said yes.  Then he asked me for my drivers license.  I gave him all 4 documents.  He said I see you're ready for me.  He looked over each one then asked me if I had a weapon with me.  Yes I told him.  I have a .38 under my seat...  and... a 9mm in the center console...   well... come to think of it I also have a .45 in the glove box.

He looked me over... looked at my paperwork... then he asked me, "What are you afraid of?"  I said, "mmm... not much."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 13, 2012, 10:59:11 pm
Hi Shaun

Reminds me of my early days here driving around. We ran into the rear end of another car.  We got out, the other driver got out he was the smallest Chinaman I had me to date, a real dwarf.  He realised that we were English speakers. So he looked at the damage and said 'Me no happy'  'Ok' said my companion ' Which one are you then?'

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 14, 2012, 12:04:30 am
 ;D
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/487313_296611640437196_1843250988_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on July 15, 2012, 07:31:20 am
Daughter : I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.

Dad: Thanks , you have saved my money & time.

Daughter: Dad, I am reading the letter left by Mom!



------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife hit her husband with frying pan.
Husband: What was that for…?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 16, 2012, 10:12:08 pm
 8)
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/580814_449643438399744_657552127_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 16, 2012, 10:40:34 pm
That sums me up perfectly Robertt  ;D

Haha

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 17, 2012, 11:01:41 pm
No fair Robert.  Peggy thinks it looks like me.  :'(
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on July 18, 2012, 02:50:25 am
Willy and Shaun , you are both wrong , it is actually a picture of Sylvain in his pond , regards Sujuan and Robert .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on July 20, 2012, 06:43:05 am
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat and mutters "I don't like Chinese"...

"No rike Chinese huh?" asks the co-pilot "why you not rike?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbour - that's why!" "No, no" the co-pilot protests "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese!" "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, all gooks are alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot. "What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... no mattah... all same!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 01, 2012, 08:47:19 pm
Truth
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on August 01, 2012, 09:21:04 pm
Thanks for that Vince.  I have been practicing that ever since the www was invented by an Englishman.  He probably only did it with me in mind.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jason B on August 02, 2012, 01:27:31 am
can we get one thing straight.........the WWW was actually invented by the US military for all their various forces and parts there of to be able to trade real time data, stratagies  and info....it was then passed on on a need to know operational basis to her allies.....there in lies the availability to get the idea to the general public.......

it may have been made available to the public by an Englishman but he did not invent it........

hiding in cyberspace for rebuttles........
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on August 02, 2012, 07:46:26 am
Rebut number one coming up.

A graduate of Oxford University, Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web, an internet-based hypermedia initiative for global information sharing while at CERN, the European Particle Physics Laboratory, in 1989. He wrote the first web client and server in 1990. His specifications of URIs, HTTP and HTML were refined as Web technology spread.

Need I say more?

Except that he was knighted and is now Sir Tim.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on August 03, 2012, 03:33:18 am
A Chinese man decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs' he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom' he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way... pause... and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood  and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it  and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you".

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs".

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie "Those aren't Australian customs".

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man "He say to become true Australian, I must learn to... chase chicks... get piss drunk, and... listen to bull-shit".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 07, 2012, 07:54:50 am
newbies?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on August 08, 2012, 03:18:22 am
This one is for Vince as it is in his area .


Restaurant offers chance to eat sushi off nude models

Yahoo!7August 7, 2012, 9:32 pm














Enlarge photo
 



Related Links


: Fifty Shades now a global hit


: Today Tonight: Restaurant offers snail flavoured pizza



 


Times may be tough in the fine-dining business but one restaurant is hoping to attract customers - and perhaps save money on washing-up - by giving customers the chance to eat sushi off the naked bodies of attractive staff.

The Catalina Hotel and Beach Club's Kung Fu Kitchen and Sushi in Miami offers customers the chance to order 15 feet of sushi and sashimi, which is placed strategically on the naked body of female and male staff, for $500.

"You basically get to dine off a naked human body" the restaurant's owner, Nathan Lieberman, told Local 10 News.

"It's mostly for groups, parties, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, birthday parties.

"You call in advance or pop in and hopefully we have someone that wants to take their clothes off and lie on a table."

Customers must use chopsticks to pick up the food off staff, who Liebermann says are scrubbed "like surgeons" beforehand to for hygiene reasons.

"I have a very good-looking staff," Lieberman continued.

"They have leaves and lettuce covering their private parts and their nipples are covered in plastic - as well as wasabi."
Florida's Department of Business and Professional Regulation says the restaurant is not contravening any laws.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 08, 2012, 07:32:35 am
ah yes the Catalina, one of the nostalgic 1950's hotels down there on South Beach.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 18, 2012, 11:43:46 am
How to water-ski in China ;D
(http://www.laughparty.com/funny-pictures/Chinese-Water-Skiing-451.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 19, 2012, 09:11:49 am
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/430205_458046037559975_748696137_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: lfputman3 on August 26, 2012, 04:26:34 am
Rebut number one coming up.

A graduate of Oxford University, Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web, an internet-based hypermedia initiative for global information sharing while at CERN, the European Particle Physics Laboratory, in 1989. He wrote the first web client and server in 1990. His specifications of URIs, HTTP and HTML were refined as Web technology spread.

Need I say more?

Except that he was knighted and is now Sir Tim.

Willy

Rebuttal number 2.

1990 is a little late, DARPA, the defense "internet" predates that and prior to that, American Universities created a network for sharing information, which was confiscated by the DoD and renamed DARPA. Roughly mid-1970s, don't have the actual joyous book with me. One of those joys in modern accounting. We have to know crap about tech. Because the geeks can't manage themselves for some reason. Maybe too busy playing games on the company/govt computers that are higher tech than they can afford on their salaries.

Lloyd
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on August 28, 2012, 04:48:45 pm
Clyde

Mesquite, United States

   Posted: 27 Aug, 2012 19:56:22  Starter
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Can someone tell me how to find a address to ship to my Lady.She tells me she has never had any mail or packages.She lives in dong guan .She said there is no address for the Apartment she lives in.I find this very strange.No address's ? I have tried to find a post office there with no luck.Has anyone else been through this ?I need some help please.
 
 Well now, I guess "Clyde" is taken for a "Ride"! Sorry, it seems funny to me.. but I'm sure this poor Guy thinks otherwise.
 NO address where she lives? Maybe her Apartment is made out of Cardboard?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on August 28, 2012, 09:52:48 pm
I think it is little of BS going on.  Some Houses here do not have regular address  like in the USA.  Even though there is no street address number the post office here seems to be able to find a house by "magic".

We don't have a street address but rather a location description.  ( road name, Neighborhood name ,garden name, building number and apartment). It works even for my sister when she sends a care package from the USA.

The taxi drivers operate the same way. (by description) not by address. If I can pronounce it correctly they will find it.  Something like the (subway gate A1),  (district), (neighborhood)...will get me dropped off at the curb across from the subway gate. 

Another that I thought was funny when I first came here but now don't give a second thought. " xi wan lu, apartments behind the pipe factory" Everyone knows where this is even though the pipe factory was torn down 15 years ago.

Dong Guan is not a backwoods farm town. It is a modern metropolis. I think the post office can find her, given an address or proper description. I think she is hiding from you and does not want you to have her address. Or mabe she really lives somewhere else....careful
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on August 28, 2012, 11:09:26 pm
I hear you Gerry. You know what? Just last week, my Mother got back a Package she send for Qing's Mom. The reason: Room# correct, Building# correct, Lane# correct also Name and Zip Code all good. The reason it came back two months later... she put between Building+Lane the number 118 and I still have no Glue why in the World she did that? She send multiple Gift's already to this address.
Looks like, the "Postman" was a Lazy A** or a new Guy?

Oh, by the way.. this Post was from the Offical Chnlove Forum. Hence I can't Post there anymore ( not a member) I copy'd and placed it here.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Buzz on September 04, 2012, 08:26:42 pm
I have not seen anyone mention that it is critical to have the cell phone number on the package or letter.  I make sure that it is clearly visible and I know that the postman always calls and talks with the person prior to delivery.  Not sure why I put the address, but I know the phone number is required.

buzz
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 09, 2012, 05:20:23 pm
(http://www.laughparty.com/funny-pictures/Internet-Love-230.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 12, 2012, 11:07:48 am
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/377644_413145308748737_2037428208_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 16, 2012, 11:29:11 am

  Actual Letter to the Canadian Passport Office – Must Read! (http://www.smilespedia.com/actual-letter-to-the-canadian-passport-office-must-read/)      Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office
Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
 
 My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!
SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin’ there?
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!
(fuckin’ morons)
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!
Signed – An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA!!!
Hamilton, Ontario Canada
Submitted by John Hutchinson
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 16, 2012, 12:03:50 pm
http://www.flowgo.com/funny/12810_political-correctness-parody.html (http://www.flowgo.com/funny/12810_political-correctness-parody.html)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 17, 2012, 11:25:12 pm
From the Queen : An important announcement regarding the USA     To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
 In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
 Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
 Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
 
 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
 
 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 
 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
 
 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 
 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
 
 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
 
 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips  are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal  fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
 
 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 
 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
 
 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
 
 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (world dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 
 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 
 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 
 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
 God Save the Queen!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on September 18, 2012, 07:39:02 am
I am all for that list except one Robertt.

 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


I cannot support that clause but will expect the rest to be in immediate use.  Failing which I may decide to attack the USA at every opportunity, which anyone who knows me will agree that will go against my usual character. ::)

Of course on the plus side you would be getting a future Queen that flashes her threepenny bits for the world to see. ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on September 18, 2012, 10:01:01 am
NO thanks Willy.  We already have plenty of queens in the US.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 18, 2012, 10:52:29 pm
English hospitality     An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
 explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
 occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
 chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
 
 After a while, he finds himself in a very high class
 neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no
 restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
 
 He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.
 
 He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
 buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
 
 As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who
 says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
 
 "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
 HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
 
 "Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
 
 He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
 which he opens.
 
 "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
 
 The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
 ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges,
 and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
 
 
 Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
 relieved.
 
 As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really
 decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
 
 
 "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 18, 2012, 11:04:16 pm
A Police Officer in the UK
 Question:
 How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
 
 Answer:
 First - Lets pose the following question:
 
 You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
 Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
 You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.What do you do?
 
 BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
 Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
 3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
 4) Am I dressed provocatively?
 5) Could I run away?
 6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
 7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
 8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
 9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
 10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
 12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
 13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
 
 AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
 BANG!
 
 
 AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click'....
 (Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on September 19, 2012, 10:27:04 am
May not be so funny to us Brits as yesterday two British police women received a routine call to somebody breaking into a house in daylight. They rush to the scene - blue light flashing. They arrive in the quiet road, As soon as they get out of the car  a man lets off a dozen shots and throws a hand grenade.  Leaving two very dead young police woman in the street. 

He had deliberately called the police to kill who ever was the first to arrive.

I can remember that in west London in 1966 three police officers were shot dead in one incident. 

But this was the first time ever that two policewomen have been shot and murdered together.

Willy


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 19, 2012, 11:00:56 am
My sympathy goes to the officers families, was the terrorist a domestic or import? I imagine we will be seeing a lot more of these types attacks in the future given the state of current world affairs. We have had multiple bomb evacuations of public buildings and universities caused by people claiming to belong to AQ in the past week ourselves, personally I think these domestic terrorists should be captured or killed ( really doesn't matter ) and air dropped into AQ training camps in Yemen packed with explosives. I am still waiting to see what kind of response the W.H. has about the law concerning blasphemy, I pretty sure that will get interesting or simply hushed be up by the O.M.G.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on September 19, 2012, 07:42:39 pm
Not terrorist at all. Just a lowlife who was being sought for two other murders in past few months.  He walked into a pub and shot one man and when the victims father later publicly called him scum he went to the fathers house shot him dead and threw a hand grenade.

The house the police were called to had no history so it was treated as an normal everyday emergency call.

Don't expect too much from your WH on blasphemy the Christian and Jewish connections to whatever president is in power is tight knit. Plus if the US Gov. wanted to do anything they could have simply ordered you tube to remove the offending video when it was brought to their attention. But they did not.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 20, 2012, 07:34:10 pm
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/561905_3174230373359_195639062_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on September 21, 2012, 10:57:42 am
Plus if the US Gov. wanted to do anything they could have simply ordered you tube to remove the offending video when it was brought to their attention. But they did not.

Willy

Is this reference to the video that has protesters in the Muslim world and the attack on the US diplomats in Libya? If it is, then I would say that China's policy to block Youtube is because it is always too late to close the gate after the cattle have run away. Because of the west's view on freedom of speech, offensive videos will make it far enough for the media to alert others to hostilities - and has been said before, most protesters never even ever see the offending videos. For them it is just an excuse to exercise their hatered.

And since this is the JUST FOR A LAUGH section: You show the postion the USA always finds itself in. If they did order the removal - people would have screamed censorship. There is no flood gate built that can ever appease everyone and the USA always gets damed if it does and damed if it does not. Its tough being number ONE.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 21, 2012, 05:04:56 pm
Plus if the US Gov. wanted to do anything they could have simply ordered you tube to remove the offending video when it was brought to their attention. But they did not.

Willy

Is this reference to the video that has protesters in the Muslim world and the attack on the US diplomats in Libya? If it is, then I would say that China's policy to block Youtube is because it is always too late to close the gate after the cattle have run away. Because of the west's view on freedom of speech, offensive videos will make it far enough for the media to alert others to hostilities - and has been said before, most protesters never even ever see the offending videos. For them it is just an excuse to exercise their hatered.

And since this is the JUST FOR A LAUGH section: You show the postion the USA always finds itself in. If they did order the removal - people would have screamed censorship. There is no flood gate built that can ever appease everyone and the USA always gets damed if it does and damed if it does not. Its tough being number ONE.

We are on everyone's $h!t list apparently! ;) 8)

(http://incontemptcomics.com/comics/2008-05-01.gif)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 21, 2012, 05:20:52 pm
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/527522_285145258261165_596829282_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on September 21, 2012, 08:26:57 pm
Here's a good laugh ;D

Passing a fake half-billion dollar Federal Reserve note

A man who claimed he had a $500,000,000 Federal Reserve note could face a lengthy prison sentence and deportation after he pleaded guilty Friday in federal court in Fort Lauderdale.

Cleland Ayison, 32, was arrested after he was secretly recorded trying to pass off a fake document he said was a U.S. Treasury bond from the 1930s, said his lawyer Alex Stavrou. Federal prosecutors said there is no such thing as a genuine half-billion dollar Federal Reserve note.

Ayison, who lives in the Tampa Bay area, admitted that he flew to Palm Beach County in September 2010 and tried to hand over the note in a bank vault at an undisclosed location in the county. Ayison did not make any money on the deal, which was intended to boost a company's stock, though he expected to eventually receive about $100,000 worth of stock in the company, which prosecutors declined to identify.

It turned out that Ayison was the subject of an undercover sting because federal agents got a tip he had claimed he had large treasury notes and set up the meeting with individuals who were cooperating with the feds. The maximum punishment for the crime is 25 years in prison and a fine of up to $250,000.

Ayison, who was born in Ghana but has permanent resident status in the U.S., said he earned a degree in theology and philosophy before working in various sales jobs.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 04, 2012, 09:18:20 pm
 8)

(http://everythingfunny.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/625.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on October 09, 2012, 08:28:58 am
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 14, 2012, 11:18:25 am
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in  Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

    Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.   It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.  I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!  Pass this on to all your friends, just in case they're having a bad day!!!



 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 20, 2012, 09:16:16 am
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/59813_3845897822127_1110870820_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 20, 2012, 09:20:37 am
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/576291_3845905782326_968819469_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 20, 2012, 09:38:49 am
Personally I think the picture above is Rob and he doesn't know how to ride a unicycle.   :o ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on October 20, 2012, 01:08:29 pm
Personally I think the picture above is Rob and he doesn't know how to ride a unicycle.   :o ;D ;D ;D

Tart !!!...lol ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 24, 2012, 06:42:27 pm
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/389449_431508913575523_1442431615_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on November 10, 2012, 05:55:43 pm
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offered her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18..

She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support to begin

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The woman obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted....

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti..

Three with meatballs, ........two without...... Send extra sauce.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 14, 2012, 08:20:24 pm
A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
 Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
 The Gorilla was on heat.
 To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
 While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
 Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
 Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
 Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
 The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
 "Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
 "Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
 The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
 "Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
 (http://teakdoor.com/images/smilies/aus.gif)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on November 17, 2012, 06:12:01 am
Just for a laugh , I will be in Shanghai from the 1 st December 2012 till the 8 th if anyone else is there , regards Sujuan and Robert .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on November 17, 2012, 09:42:18 pm
Just for a laugh , I will be in Shanghai from the 1 st December 2012 till the 8 th if anyone else is there , regards Sujuan and Robert .

ShanghaI , Phew!! Thank goodness.  For a moment I thought you was heading South.  ;D ;D ;D

Seriously I hope you have a great time in my Country!!

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on November 30, 2012, 06:10:55 am

I think that this is great
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA....ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, >"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"It broke the place up.NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on November 30, 2012, 05:47:49 pm
From : http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgorsky.htm (http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgorsky.htm)
Analysis: This whopper has been circulating for years via forwarded email and can be found on dozens of websites accompanied by the claim that it "really happened."
But it didn't happen, as anyone can verify by perusing the official lunar landing transcript on NASA's Apollo 11 site (audio & video clips included). 
( http://urbanlegends.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.hq.nasa.gov/alsj/a11/a11.step.html (http://urbanlegends.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.hq.nasa.gov/alsj/a11/a11.step.html) )
Sometimes attributed to stand-up comedian Buddy Hackett, "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky" clearly came into this world as a joke, earning the status of urban legend over time
through sheer repetition under the guise of a "true story."
In spite of the ease with which this revisionist history of the Apollo lunar landing and moonwalk is debunked, it's so much fun to read and pass along that it will doubtless be with us for decades to come.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on November 30, 2012, 05:58:01 pm
For Scottish Robbie: What they are 'up' to in Scotland???

Women reach orgasm more easily when their lover’s manhood exceeds 5.8 inches, study shows
Scottish psychologists studied the sexual appetites of 323 women and found that most reach orgasm more easily when their lover’s penis exceeds the average size of 5.8 inches.
Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/size-matter-bed-study-shows-article-1.1200988 (http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/size-matter-bed-study-shows-article-1.1200988)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 30, 2012, 08:20:31 pm
For Scottish Robbie: What they are 'up' to in Scotland???

Women reach orgasm more easily when their lover’s manhood exceeds 5.8 inches, study shows
Scottish psychologists studied the sexual appetites of 323 women and found that most reach orgasm more easily when their lover’s penis exceeds the average size of 5.8 inches.
Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/size-matter-bed-study-shows-article-1.1200988 (http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/size-matter-bed-study-shows-article-1.1200988)


Just to be clear about this, are you measuring across the head or lengthwise? ::) ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on December 01, 2012, 12:52:30 am
The article suggests "length" . But I hear that lurking in the Highlands there are huge Tartan Wearing Haggis Eating Sporran Showing Scotsmen with superb Kilt Lifting Equipment, so "circumference" may be more accurate.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on December 01, 2012, 01:04:30 am
In any event, this is not real science.  Because we have what us engineers call "a plug and socket" situation.
There is no guarantee of uniformity among the 323 scottish damsels surveyed.
Some may be built like fergusson tractors, others may be of more petite  dimensions.

The only thing for it, is for Scottish Robbie to "stand up" for science and resurvey all 323 ladies 
with his standard "measuring stick" and report back to us with the results.
We look forward to his foray into real science with interest :)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on December 01, 2012, 05:27:06 am
I'm one person who is ready and willing to stand up to be counted in the name of science... ;D ;D

Having to 're-survey' this set could take a little while...So if you don't hear from me for a week or 2 then don't worry, I'll be 'working on survey' 8) 8)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 01, 2012, 11:01:44 am
Here is a potential post survey photo of our test subject! ;)

(http://images1.makefive.com/images/experiences/travel/what-to-do-in-palm-springs-if-you-are-under-40/be-a-golddigger-and-get-one-of-them-old-rich-men-7.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 01, 2012, 11:36:37 am
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/12560_416537268416191_2129628096_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on December 08, 2012, 01:24:23 am
An Indian and a Chinese entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Chinese stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Chinese said to the Indian "Man I'm the best thief, I stole three chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that!"

The Indian replied "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing".

So they went to the counter and the Indian said to the shopkeeper "Do you want to see magic?" The shopkeeper replied "Yes". The Indian said "Give me one chocolate bar". The shopkeeper gave him one and he ate it. The Indian asked for a second bar and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?" The Indian replied "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on December 21, 2012, 11:33:58 am
oh well
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 21, 2012, 02:32:27 pm
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FB_xUd_3PUE/Tv4K9ZnEzeI/AAAAAAAAAwI/Tj_Ve-aDGFU/s1600/Mayan-Calendar.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on December 21, 2012, 07:28:43 pm
OK so does the calendar say when the world officially end?  It is already December 22 in China.  I'm wondering how many hours or minutes I have left? ::)

I guess I'll stay up all night and see!  :o   Forget that!  ;D

At least I got paid today.  :P
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on December 21, 2012, 08:23:44 pm
December 22nd did I wake up or am I in Heaven?   Awake or not I AM still in Heaven. 8)

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 22, 2012, 11:23:55 pm
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/416819_4106350893291_2092190830_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 30, 2012, 11:42:39 pm
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/c0.0.320.320/p403x403/481838_10151175586616275_204252076_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 02, 2013, 10:13:30 pm
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/206163_515548748478070_433818160_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on January 06, 2013, 01:51:50 am
Now we all know what Willy is doing in his spare time ,

From China daily today ,Gaming firms play for big stakesSeven out of 10 gaming and amusement products sold in China have been developed in Zhongshan. The city also has a 30 percent share of the global market.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 06, 2013, 02:37:15 am
Now we all know what Willy is doing in his spare time ,

From China daily today ,Gaming firms play for big stakes. Seven out of 10 gaming and amusement products sold in China have been developed in Zhongshan. The city also has a 30 percent share of the global market.
Not sure about the gaming but Amusement - now that is my forte.  Been keeping myself amused for a long time now.  One word can send me into raptuous laughter.  I will not say it here as I am trying to be serious.  But it begins and ends with an a.  ;D ;D ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jason B on January 06, 2013, 05:30:06 am
aardvark
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 06, 2013, 08:55:55 am
aardvark

???

And it was not AustraliA either. But close.;D ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 06, 2013, 09:05:38 am
Everyone knows Willy is obsessed with America! ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on January 06, 2013, 08:10:13 pm
Robert it couldn't be America.  Willy used a little "a."


On another note, define the word obamics.  It is taxing the rich to buy Obama phones.  You could also say it is to replace a depleted Obama's stash.

Yes, Yes I know it is political but it is funny too...  I think...  Maybe it isn't if your rich...  But then again they probably stole money from poor people to get rich...  There should be a gun somewhere in this equation but... well... you know what I mean...  Or is that Bigun's issue now?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on January 06, 2013, 08:11:11 pm
Robert it couldn't be America.  Willy used a little "a."


On another note, define the word obamics.  It is taxing the rich to buy Obama phones.  You could also say it is to replace a depleted Obama's stash.

Yes, Yes I know it is political but it is funny too...  I think...  Maybe it isn't if your rich...  But then again they probably stole money from poor people to get rich...  Uhhh...  There should be a gun somewhere in this equation but... well... you know what I mean...  Or is that Bigun's issue now?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 06, 2013, 08:17:13 pm
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/293548_521360017885040_885663365_n.png)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 06, 2013, 08:23:40 pm
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/77067_10151163670992611_2083803882_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 06, 2013, 09:31:45 pm
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/734992_10152406747605494_1311872643_n.png)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 06, 2013, 10:07:25 pm
Now I do like that last one Robertt.  By why stop at DC?

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 06, 2013, 10:15:11 pm
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/407933_322004964570935_1058251934_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: LP on January 07, 2013, 09:31:34 pm
I like the one that said brain eating zombies invade Washington D.C and die of starvation. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on January 09, 2013, 06:51:13 pm
From our local news paper;

A Richmond County grand jury indicted a man accused of biting off his father-in-law’s earlobe on a charge of aggravated battery.
The indictment returned Tuesday against J********** M. C******* contends he caused F********* H******* permanent disfigurement on Oct. 20.
C****** was charged with domestic violence in 2008 and 2009, but one case was dismissed and the other reduced to reckless conduct. C****** should be arraigned on the new felony charge later this month in Richmond County Superior Court.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Jason B on January 09, 2013, 07:20:08 pm
Mike Tyson all over again........
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on January 09, 2013, 07:27:09 pm
Yes I told Peggy that I was going to recommend this man for one of her friends but that I didn't want to lose an ear lobe if he became angry.


I've lost the smiley faces again!!!!!!!


Another thing to note.  Maybe we should outlaw teeth in an effort to stop ear love removals.  It seems it is becoming a habitual thing.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 09, 2013, 07:32:35 pm
 :) ;) :D ;D >:( :( :o 8) ??? ::) :P :-[ :-X :-\ :-* :'(
No problem Shaun. I sent you all of mine.  I know how painful it is to lose these things.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 11, 2013, 05:32:48 pm
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/530565_529097680444878_2072173000_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Peter Arnold on January 12, 2013, 04:48:22 am
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!
 

 
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACVvan parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
 
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 

 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
   
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   
 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


 
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Peter Arnold on January 14, 2013, 11:28:12 pm
They just keep coming

The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered
the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE..

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public
opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten
your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!

 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on January 16, 2013, 06:53:39 pm
A ten year old boy was failing maths. At the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the very first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room,
where he quietly closed the door.  He toiled away in his room, working feverishly on schoolwork until bedtime. 

After two months of this behaviour,  the boy walked in with his report card

Cautiously, his parents opened it, and to her amazement, they saw a bright red "A+" for Maths. Overjoyed, they rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", they asked
"No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? 
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No," said the son. “Let me explain”
"On that first day, I walked in the  front door and saw that guy nailed to the 'plus sign,'
I  knew these guys REALLY meant business!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David K on January 16, 2013, 07:13:05 pm

SINGLE BLONDE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity and age unimportant.

I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

[Over 15,000 men phoned in and found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old Golden Retriever.]
.....MEN ARE SO EASY.....
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 10, 2013, 09:09:06 pm
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/601285_593576717335534_736411771_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on February 11, 2013, 08:17:16 pm
Got caught in the act again eh Robert?  :o
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2013, 08:29:03 pm
Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling
and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was
packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce
embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a
couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee
and noticed that everyone was staring at me..

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.... and how was
your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2013, 08:35:41 pm
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2013, 08:46:14 pm
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2013, 08:48:21 pm
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women
talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2013, 08:51:36 pm
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he
needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You
would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you
would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -





"WE MEN ARE TRULY HONOURABLE !!!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2013, 08:58:11 pm
SENIOR AND CLIMATE CHANGE.....

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold chilly.’
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’ The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old man,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in July & the second time is in January.'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2013, 09:20:00 pm
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say “1-2-3”. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 11, 2013, 09:23:14 pm
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_fsBcIW-leyM/ScwoHmYrLFI/AAAAAAAABxU/S2Bb311lgwM/s400/z+oldies5.gif)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 11, 2013, 09:25:06 pm
(http://www.pmcaregivers.com/images/asshole.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 11, 2013, 09:26:49 pm
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_7MjzVIjPjc8/SwSwTZH2COI/AAAAAAAAByk/y9tMOL512PA/s1600/affair2.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 30, 2013, 10:58:48 am
(http://teakdoor.com/Gallery/albums/userpics/31408/nk.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 30, 2013, 12:58:16 pm
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/576724_503123799724980_505163753_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 30, 2013, 11:09:27 pm
Funny gun control video. ;D

http://youtu.be/xI3hQYcxJVo (http://youtu.be/xI3hQYcxJVo)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on March 31, 2013, 03:23:47 am
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed, a hooker was standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on March 31, 2013, 03:39:27 am
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father" he confessed "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month". The priest told the sinner "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months".

This time, the priest questioned "Who is this Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replied. "Very well" sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's".

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the Sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on April 18, 2013, 07:49:35 pm
Was talking to a buddy of mine and he shared the following "true" story with me.

I came home from work the other day and as usual the Chiwawa dog next door was there to greet me.  I pet him a little and then his owners came outside.  It is a husband and wife with no children yet.

The conversation gravitated to my wife who still lives in China. "When is she coming to America the woman asked?"  I said, "She has passed her interview but we are waiting for her children to finish school this year, then they will move here."  So I told them they would be here in two months.

She said, "I didn't realize she had children?"   "Yes... 2", I replied.

I could tell that something was weighing on her mind.  Finally she asked me, "You and your wife don't eat dog do you?"

I told her that my wife and I had discussed it and if we decided to eat her dog that we would invite them over for dinner.  She said as she grabbed her dog and went inside, "you're disgusting."

Her husband and I had quite a laugh about it.  Then he got serious and said, "you really wouldn't eat our dog, would you?"

I replied, "Get real...  Your dog is way too small to eat.  However, the german shepherd next door is much larger and has more meat on his bones.  Don't worry though I'd still invite the both of you over for dinner."  He said, "You really ARE disgusting and slammed the door in my face."

I'm not sure how to handle all of this.  They really are a nice couple.  But every time I go outside and they are out they run back into the house.  If I am outside and they come out, they go back in very quickly.

I really miss petting the Chiwawa too.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 18, 2013, 09:14:38 pm
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/438073/484759.png)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 18, 2013, 09:18:00 pm
(http://www.funnyandjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/chinese-fortune-cookie.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on April 19, 2013, 04:56:26 pm
well?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 27, 2013, 06:39:25 pm
(http://www.politifake.org/image/political/1105/no-internet-access-navy-seal-tribute-bin-ladin-political-poster-1304716330.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on May 05, 2013, 02:03:10 am
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied "Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said "These are very tasty but I notice that they're much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied "Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on May 05, 2013, 02:07:12 am
A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.

The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then asks "What's in the bag?" The man on the bike replies "Sand". Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.

After those 6 months, curiosity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

"Listen mate" he says. "You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it and I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious".

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly "Are you sure you won't arrest me?" The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

"Fine" the man says. "I HAVE been smuggling something over the border". "What is it?!" cries the customs official. The man replies "Motorcycles!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on May 06, 2013, 03:15:54 am
One for Sylvain ha ha .

How a Frenchman Passes a Chinese Client’s Ridiculous Trust Test

By Jin Wong on May 6, 2013 • ( 1 )

China is full of opportunities – this sentence has almost become a cliche. People from the Western countries flock to the Middle Kingdom to establish businesses in the hope of grasping the new wealth from the Chinese, be it a trading, manufacturing, luxury, wine trading, or the recently-emerging art dealing. Yet, the way Chinese people do business is completely different than what one could every imagine. Except for the usual practice of emphasizing the “guan xi” (it means relationship in Chinese), the hierarchy, the below-the-table transactions etc., there is one thing I would like to share with you.
 
I’m talking about the trust test a French friend of mine experienced from a Chinese client.
 

“Trust” in Chinese characters.
 
The Frenchman is a wine dealer, trading company as well as restaurant owner. He deals with different Chinese clients who operates restaurants, bars, night clubs, hotels and hospitality premises that need wine. As the Frenchman is selling original high-quality French wine, he get approached by many Chinese clients who show great interest in his wine.
 
There is one time, he is invited to by Chinese client’s birthday party at the client’s night club. The French wine dealer goes to the night club, not feeling surprised by the excessive cigarette-smelling air at the spacious bar. There are plenty of private rooms at the club (as the Chinese like to book a room for private party that only people who are closely connected with can get invited).
 
The Chinese client (the night club owner) invites the Frenchman to his suite inside the night club. As usual, the French wine trader pitches the Chinese client for his wine collection. The client is impressed, as the wine collections are really exclusive and original from the vineyards in a foreign country that is far far away. The Chinese client is well assured of the quality of the wine he’s probably going to purchase, as he’s convinced by the quality of the leather handbags and perfumes produced in the same country where the wine comes from.
 
However, this Chinese client is picky. He gives a trust test just to see whether the French man is reliable and that he wouldn’t rip him off. The Chinese then calls up ten women to the suite, undressed. Completely undressed, maybe only with high-heels. The Chinese asks the French to pick one of the ten to take home with.
 
The Frenchman says, “no, I don’t want any of them. They look nice, but I really don’t want any. Thanks”.
 
The Chinese client is surprised and says in his hard-to-understand English, “really? You’re French, you guys are romantic. If you like them, take one!”
 
The Frenchman insists, “no, I come here for business, not for this”.
 
The Chinese client smiles and replies, “you’re someone I can definitely trust. Prepare three containers of the complete red wine collection you showed me just now to be shipped in two months”.
 
The Frenchman is happy, “thank you Mr. Hung! I will prepare everything and will ask my secretary to inform you of the status. Just curious, why I pass your test so easily?”
 
The Chinese client laughs, “because last time I gave out the same test to another French wine trader, he took away three women with him”.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: IrishGuy65 on June 02, 2013, 06:37:10 am
There's a snail and a turtle travelling along.  They crash into each other.  Someone calls the police.  The police arrive, and pull the turtle aside.  The policeman asks the turtle, "What happened?"  The turtle responds, "I don't know, officer, it all happened so fast..."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on June 20, 2013, 09:42:26 am
http://youtu.be/DWynJkN5HbQ (http://youtu.be/DWynJkN5HbQ)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on July 11, 2013, 03:38:19 am
Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Paddy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?" Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me ... I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey?" Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £898." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on August 29, 2013, 12:04:56 pm
 ;D I don't know how many of you go over to the "Other", but it is worth a good laugh for sure. ;D

http://www.chnlove.com/Replies-Ask-An-Experienced-Member-T4450.html (http://www.chnlove.com/Replies-Ask-An-Experienced-Member-T4450.html)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 29, 2013, 06:21:33 pm
Arnold...

It is quite sometime since I looked at "The Other Place"...so I thought I would have a look at what was on the link you posted...

Now I KNOW why I didn't go back to that site....nothing changes !!!!!!

It is still quite clear that a certain "Gentleman" needs to get some serious psychological help..............

As for his "expert musings " on the state of the US economy................just wait and see how WRONG he is.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on August 29, 2013, 09:32:50 pm
hahahahaha   ;D   Haven't been there is a long time. Crossed that bridge and not looking back.


The US economy runs on a 10 year cycle. So yes it will go up and down according to those in power feel like.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on August 29, 2013, 10:17:21 pm
I just wish that they would write better. It is so difficult at my advanced age to read those entries without paragraphs. ;D
 I like to be able to pause to laugh a little. ;D
Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on August 30, 2013, 04:16:10 am
Noticing how the writing styles are almost exactly the same I think maybe he is writing both sides or better yet arguing with himself.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Philip on August 30, 2013, 07:33:12 am
Shaun, you may be right. A frightening thought. Either he has run out of people to rant with, so he rants with a made-up alter ego, or he has lost the plot entirely and developed split personalities. Either way, it's not fair to mock the afflicted.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: kenny on August 30, 2013, 09:23:42 am
"naive semi subverviant traditional chinese lady"

He aint met my wife!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 30, 2013, 04:01:43 pm
"naive semi subverviant traditional chinese lady"

He aint met my wife!

You got that right Kenny........!!!!!!   ;D ;D ;D ........Mine too !!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on August 30, 2013, 07:07:23 pm
.. he's always using heavy words all the time, to cover up the lack of personality. I wonder if he even knows what they mean or are spelled?

I would want no less of a strong character as myself in any woman. Funny, how the western women like to turn "Us" into Subservient traditional western men. That can only give us "Kudo's" from our Lady's! 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on September 01, 2013, 04:23:02 pm
Lazy Husband  >:( !

At the Dinner table one night..

Wife: Dear, I noticed that there is a leak under the Kitchen sink!

Husband: Well, go and get a Plumber tomorrow and get it fixed!

Next day at Dinner...

Wife: Honey, you know the light in the Hallway is not working anymore?

Husband: Don't bother me with this stuff, go and call a Electrician!

After a couple day's, again at Dinner time...

Husband asks Wife: Did you get those things taken care of by the way?

Wife: Yes Dear, I did!

Husband: How much did it cost?

Wife: Nothing! I ask Bob our Neighbor and he fixed it all. All he ask for, was.. some "Fresh" baked Cookies or "Sex"! Well you know what terrible Baker I am, so.... :P
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on September 13, 2013, 05:23:49 am
Tom, Dick and Harry were three explorers that were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit".

So the three guys scampered into the woods.

After a little while Tom came back first with 10 apples. The Chief explained the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you will be eaten".

The first apple was okay, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

Dick came back with 10 berries, and the chief explained the trial to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and began: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, but on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed and eaten.

Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asked "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" With a smile Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. When I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples I just lost it..."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on September 13, 2013, 05:27:35 am
A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA, says "My answer is... there is NO answer".

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the supplied information ".

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 14, 2013, 11:49:45 pm
(https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1235935_526722050747010_1834204113_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 20, 2013, 12:03:12 pm
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all,
and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle,
and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"? "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
"Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping
for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 20, 2013, 01:03:35 pm
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge,
hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed
his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the
woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his
money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and
said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "A ny woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: IrishGuy65 on October 07, 2013, 06:53:08 pm
Today's Tip: Do Not put lights on a Palm Tree!     :o



(http://blu.stb.s-msn.com/i/FF/445A8E8CFB4820E22849DE9D4DF868_h316_w628_m5_cpnOUcakw.jpg)

I laughed my head off at this!  ;)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 07, 2013, 07:19:52 pm
(http://www.xingfulove.com/$userfiles/full_size_5_1622_20.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on October 08, 2013, 03:54:09 am
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.

He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now!

He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers "Who are you?" The biker answers "I'm Cess". ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on October 08, 2013, 03:57:02 am
Toward the end of the golf game, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. AS A MATTER OF FACT you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!! she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows".

Dave shouts back "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: john1964 on October 08, 2013, 03:58:57 am
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire" said the photographer "and make three or four low level passes". "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 25, 2013, 12:00:33 pm
Only in Georgia!!!

West Georgia mattress movers face charges
Georgia Newspaper Partnership
Friday, Oct. 25, 2013 7:48 AM    Last updated 7:51 AM

 
Follow Latest News
COLUMBUS, Ga. -- A man and woman were arrested for reckless conduct after police observed the woman driving with a mattress on her roof — and the man laying on top of the mattress, according to Columbus police.

The Ledger-Enquirer reports about 4 a.m. Wednesday, patrolling officers saw a Jeep driving on 2nd Avenue with an unsecured mattress on its roof.

After initiating a traffic stop, the officer reportedly asked the driver, Samantha Tate, why there was a man laying on her mattress, and no straps.

“Our ratchet straps broke,” she said, according to the report.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Vince G on October 25, 2013, 03:00:11 pm
thanks for the good laugh Shaun
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 26, 2013, 06:28:30 pm
Another true Georgia story!!!!!!!!


Georgia man runs into burning home to save beer
 


Associated Press

Saturday, Oct. 26, 2013 6:57 AM   
Last updated 6:42 PM
 
 

 
 Follow Latest News

COLUMBUS,   Ga .  — A man who walks with a cane was not injured when he ran into a burning Columbus   house to recover beer he left inside the house.



Officials are investigating the cause of the fire that broke out Thursday afternoon. Residents of the home say they believe the fire was caused by a water heater.

Six adults and two young children were inside watching television when the room began filling with smoke. After the children were rescued and everyone made it outside safely, Walter Serpit told WVTM television ( http://bit.ly/1eNR6vS (http://bit.ly/1eNR6vS)   ) that he went back inside to retrieve his beer.

He said he went back inside "like a dummy" and the door shut behind him. He said he was able to escape without being burned and managed to save several cans of beer.

I know I know.  You wish you were from Georgia now.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Arnold on October 26, 2013, 08:29:52 pm
hahaha..... and here I thought California was bad! Please keep those Folks from leaving Georgia1
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on October 26, 2013, 08:38:25 pm
Arnold we send all of our rejects to California.  ;D ???
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Scottish_Robbie on October 29, 2013, 04:19:48 am

The Scots Tongue

The Scots Hae words jist o ther ain.
Tae English folk its mare than pain.
A bawhair means jist shy o inch
The English mite say ,use a pinch.

Awrite Bawbag is friendly greet
when in street a friend you meet.
Howz it gaun a friend will say
to gather news about your day.

Moan then, can be , accompany me
Or to a challenged fight can be.
Ma Bit means my lovely house
where I reside with child and spouse.

Awaw n dinnae geez yer pish.
Casts doubt from words spewed fae yer dish.
Yer dish you see would be your face
but be yer dish tae Scottish race.

A Hunner may mean just two or three.
A hundred would then, thoosans be.
Whar yi fae can be a test
Say England, only if in armoured vest.

Stoor just means its common dust
paps can mean a women's bust.
A Steamin gent has had a few
With belly fu of Tennants brew.

A Mortal gent has drunk his best
and may upon the pavement rest.
A Swally means a friendly drink
Tae Boak means head to pan or sink.

To gie it laldy , is try your best
A friend may shout just prior to test.
A Baltic day be one that's cold .
A Hingoot be a maiden bold.

A Hoachin bloke mite not be clean
our name for eyes is simply een.
To Haud the Bus means can you stop.
The Pakies means your local shop.

A Jammy wee get be lucky chap.
Ti gie it a dunt is give a tap.
A Bampot be person acting wild.
A Wean of course is Scottish child.

Thers hunnners mare that a kin say
perhaps al dae anither day.
Am sure yi see that wae them aw
Scottish lingo is nae half Braw.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on November 01, 2013, 07:54:20 am





 

Subject: Irish

 


Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

 

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

 

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

 

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

 

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

 

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

 

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

 

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

 

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

 

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

 

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

 

WAIT FOR IT…….

 

'Aye 'tis,

 

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on November 01, 2013, 07:56:47 am


The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one.

     A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 






 
    'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some arsehole's got my pen!'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on November 01, 2013, 07:58:16 am
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 03, 2013, 01:35:37 am
LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we
started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be
Cheerios!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 03, 2013, 01:49:32 am
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that read, whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
However, this started to get outright expensive after six children! So the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
At the meeting, there was a great deal of yelling and bickering about how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church and, how much more it could potentially cost them.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will
take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. After an awkward pause, from the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we put on our rubbers."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 03, 2013, 01:56:47 am
Philosopher's Comments....

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Red Skelton

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 03, 2013, 01:59:58 am
MALE-FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank - and left the toilet seat UP!

The end
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 03, 2013, 01:12:51 am
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY ENDED UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THEM AND WHISPERS TO A GIRL, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?'
SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH??. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: fivetrout on November 03, 2013, 11:22:43 am
John! You on a great roll...keep'em coming!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 03, 2013, 12:21:10 pm
John! You on a great roll...keep'em coming! 
Okay 5Trout...just for you!
I think even Sly would enjoy this one.

Vraiment tr?s dr?le ...! je vous laisse en juger.
True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.'

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 03, 2013, 12:42:31 pm
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem".

"What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma.
First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal; your penis will be five inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you?".
NO......NO......and for the last time......NO!!!"

   
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 05, 2013, 06:48:27 pm
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1236106_10202195252902701_1685580462_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 05, 2013, 08:50:27 pm
Wife - "Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by one o’ clock!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry, darling...but you probably don't want to hear the reason.
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at one o’clock on the button.
On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tyre. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.
She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying .......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."

Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 18, 2013, 08:30:18 pm
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks,  interviews and testing were done, there were 3  finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him  a gun. 'We must know
that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting In a chair. Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man. Take your wife
and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but  I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given  the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
 'I had to kill him with the chair!




Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 18, 2013, 08:39:33 pm
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a
catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only
permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but
eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The
first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked
him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but
notice that you're missing your starboard ear and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side. The Admiral
got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be
short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than
the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was
impressed and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on November 28, 2013, 08:50:00 pm
Ah yes. The land of the FREE!!!!

Willy.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on December 08, 2013, 01:56:31 pm
This just had to happen in Georgia.  :(

COMMERCE, Ga. -- A woman who was glued to a toilet seat in a Banks Crossing shopping center store at Thanksgiving may have glued herself, Banks County Sheriff’s investigators now suspect.
Emergency medical services were called to the store to help remove the woman from the seat, but she had to be transported to a hospital in Gainesville for the procedure, according to a sheriff’s report.
A manager of the undisclosed store found a bag in the restroom with a bottle of Loctite GO2 glue that a sheriff’s investigator described as a construction-grade super glue, usually available only online.
Investigators reviewed video footage and no one else entered the bathroom in a reasonable amount of time to have done it, Deputy Sheriff Carissa McFaddin said Friday. “There is no evidence to show that someone did it besides who was in there.”
Investigators said there is not enough evidence to charge anyone, she said.
Three toilet seats were smeared with the glue, according to the report.


There are better chastity devices available...  I think.  :P
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 14, 2013, 03:00:35 pm
A Love Story at Christmas Time....

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls
she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was no where to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone
to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love
with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 14, 2013, 03:13:22 pm
The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple;
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)


















Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.





















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
****Men Keep scrolling































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
another point: Women never listen.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 15, 2013, 05:39:20 pm
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more
difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JC on December 19, 2013, 07:26:10 pm
This was sent to me, thought I would share;

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

James
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 20, 2013, 03:27:28 pm
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,
then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard
of that condition before"
he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 21, 2013, 11:05:51 pm
there is a God..
http://www.flixxy.com/9-year-old-girl-sings-opera-on-hollands-got-talent.htm

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on December 21, 2013, 11:39:34 pm
there is a God..
http://www.flixxy.com/9-year-old-girl-sings-opera-on-hollands-got-talent.htm

And she has had no singing teacher whatsoever. Just taught her self.

Mind you what would you expect with the name 'Willi' within her surname. 

Willy

PS you should catch her singing 'Ave Maria'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 23, 2013, 02:25:22 pm
(http://www.xingfulove.com/$userfiles/text_formatter_image_39.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 23, 2013, 03:53:28 pm
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1525220_1438485449699767_799158909_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 23, 2013, 10:38:20 pm
CLASSY INSULTS
When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.. if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

AND.....................

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 23, 2013, 10:44:29 pm
Einstein and Chaplin
Albert Einstein says
- "What I admire most about your art", "is its universality. You do not say a word, and yet ... the world understands you."
Chaplin replies
- "It's true", "But your fame is even greater: the world admires you, when nobody understands you. "

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 23, 2013, 11:13:06 pm
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1380015_10201444831874463_581989456_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 26, 2013, 12:42:20 pm
HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 27, 2013, 04:24:39 pm
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 08, 2014, 09:14:23 pm
religiously incorrect, but hey....
IT'S FUNNY!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 09, 2014, 08:40:16 pm
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman.

Hmm??? Either he was cheating on his 19 year old wife 50 years ago or he is cheating on his 73 year old wife now with a younger 69 year old.!!!!!!!
Or maybe he was just sleeping!!!

 Of course  I know from experience that ONCE, was what was done all night, which now takes all night to do ONCE.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on January 09, 2014, 11:26:51 pm
At first I understood it to mean that  she is now 73 . But 50 years ago SHE was the hot 23 year old he is referring to. He just got his math messed up in the second part of the joke.  It was funnier before. Now it reads like a grade school word problem. 
1. If it is now 2014, who was doing who in 1958 and how much was his car worth? 
2. Were color TVs available on their 25th wedding anniversary?

Leave it to you to DO THE MATH !
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 10, 2014, 10:56:02 am
Willy & Gerry, do people actually analyse these things on content alone?
...I guess I'll have to proof read the damn things!

or, could you think...it could be the onset of Alzheimers or 'Oldtimers'? That would be the logical
explanation unless we forget what the f*ck the joke is all about.

Here's one for Canada..Eh!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 10, 2014, 11:24:42 am
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman.
 

an update...
TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they colide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
" The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help
each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs,
and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 10, 2014, 11:53:05 am
Two ways to look at everything ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"


So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at
everything.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 10, 2014, 08:18:41 pm
No worries JB. I love to wake up to these very amusing tales.

I had a good laugh at all three this morning. ;D ;D ;D

As for making a diagnostic analyse on the contents then tell me, just what is a 70 + year old suppose to do on a cold winters night here in China  :-\

keep them coming as I will use them in my next 'stand up' attempt at 'China's Got Talent'  :-[

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 10, 2014, 08:41:11 pm
Willy, for you...

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and
she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.


The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 10, 2014, 09:03:34 pm
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl
calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right
places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and
returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight
with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements,
toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 10, 2014, 09:10:28 pm
Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to
get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner
who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She
not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes
later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture
to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me
to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,
Fisherman
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught:



Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
DR. Phil


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 10, 2014, 09:34:26 pm
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the
woman of my dreams... I love you.
' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door
and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ChinaBound on January 11, 2014, 12:20:17 am
“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”

“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down.

“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.”

“Harry I insist.”

“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: ChinaBound on January 11, 2014, 12:37:35 am
To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX





 P.S . Your girlfriend called.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 12, 2014, 01:06:43 pm
I just love these things. Cold and crispy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 12, 2014, 01:19:50 pm
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 12, 2014, 01:28:43 pm
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
Examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .

You could hear A pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told
You a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 12, 2014, 01:41:31 pm
Never assume men understand

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined,
no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.

'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 12, 2014, 01:45:45 pm
A Palindrome reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards
as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.
This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen...forward and backward.

This is a video that was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP. This
video won second place.
So simple and yet so brilliant.....

Lost Generation
https://www.youtube.com/embed/42E2fAWM6rA
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on January 17, 2014, 05:33:02 pm
True
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 18, 2014, 08:56:02 pm
Jay Leno's 'Best of Photo Booth', Pt1 & 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpEDqTzmYMs 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsnEAdCsSLg
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 24, 2014, 11:29:48 am
 there is a downfall for drinking a cheap shit beer...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 24, 2014, 11:40:42 am
I Wish This Guy Was My Neighbor...
http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 24, 2014, 11:43:37 am
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose
of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use
past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie,
the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 24, 2014, 11:57:07 am
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the
women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently
shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000,
and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."


"Good grief . . . is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 28, 2014, 11:33:57 pm
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money,do they have golf courses, etc. Finally, Maureen brings
up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie
member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?''Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his
member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks,
'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: IrishGuy65 on January 29, 2014, 07:15:18 am
At the golf course, Fred, playing as a single, was teamed with a twosome.  Eventually, they asked Fred why he was playing by himself on such a beautiful day.

"My dear wife and I played this course together for over thirty years, but this year she passed away.  I kept the tee time in her memory."

The twosome were touched at the thoughtfulness of the gesture, but one asked him why no one from among her friends and family was willing to take her spot.

"Oh," responded Fred, "they're all at the funeral."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 07, 2014, 01:51:59 pm
An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring
at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was commando. She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he asked, “You’re shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 08, 2014, 03:16:04 am

what dog are you?
http://www.gone2thedogs.com/

turns out that I am a Bearded Collie...
is no wonder my 2 labs do not understand me.... ???
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 08, 2014, 03:35:22 am
As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying he called his grandson to his
bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my
chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How
about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead."


"You lisinna to me," responded the Don. "Somma day you goina be runna
da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home
and maybe a couple of bambino."


"Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with
another man. Whatta do you goina do then? Point to you watch and say,
'Times up?'"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 16, 2014, 12:54:32 pm
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:
#8
Life is sexually transmitted.
#7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny . They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam
in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
#3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.
And The #1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 16, 2014, 01:00:19 pm
Jacob, age 81 and Rebecca, age 80, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 16, 2014, 01:47:12 pm
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men.
"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on February 19, 2014, 07:45:22 pm
Yesterday Fiona brought me scrambled eggs for breakfast and asked me the English name for them. I told her scrambled eggs.

tonight (quite proudly) she brought me ham and cheese and some scrambled potatoes.  I just shook my head and smiled.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 26, 2014, 09:33:14 pm
Where does the time go?
'Remember yesterday and Dream about tomorrow; But you better live for today!'
How quickly the years pass ....
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 26, 2014, 09:40:50 pm
My Living Will
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 26, 2014, 09:43:22 pm
A doctor was addressing a large audience:
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the chemicals in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake."








Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 28, 2014, 09:14:15 pm
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES
WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS
REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING
BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 28, 2014, 09:25:41 pm
do not try this at home!!!

Criss Angel 
https://www.youtube.com/embed/i5gK2MxGR0M?feature=player_detailpage
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 28, 2014, 09:37:59 pm
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse
my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't
wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said,.....Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'



Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 28, 2014, 09:44:14 pm
How marriage works....... A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in
love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.
I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop, but at the bar you
know they have frozen glasses.

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She
took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise, OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey, at the bar You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.'
'You want dirty words, you bastard? Drink your fucking beer in your damn frozen mug and eat your shitty snacks, bcz you
hav got married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?
'

So he stayed home and, they lived happily ever after
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on March 08, 2014, 07:12:36 pm
So this Irish lady is cleaning her husband's gun and accidentally shot him.

She frantically calls 911.

Irish woman: Its my fooken husband,  I've accidentally shot him.  I've fooken killed him.

Operator: Please calm down madame. Can you first make sure he is actually dead.

Silence.......click..BANG.

Irish woman: Silence.......click..BANG.   OK I've done that. Now what?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on March 13, 2014, 08:59:51 pm
How to find the British....or Where is England anyway?
http://youtu.be/rNu8XDBSn10
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on March 13, 2014, 10:26:19 pm
Even I found that very interesting.

I knew that this little island of ours had control of a large part of the world but did did not know that it was so large.

No bad for a country that had less than 20 million people living within its waters.

But now it has people piling in from all those places listed and that 20 million has trebled in about 125 years to more than 60 million.

Thank goodness I have emigrated to a less populated country. Ha Ha Ha

Willy

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 20, 2014, 08:50:32 pm
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,

So he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties!
!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station..
We'll never forget you.'"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: fivetrout on March 20, 2014, 09:10:14 pm
John, you are the site's treasure for great laughs!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Martin on March 21, 2014, 09:06:45 am
I agree with Fivetrout.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 24, 2014, 10:07:09 pm
hey 5Trout...I was thinking of a fun political thread. would that not bring out the laughter?

anyway

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. The
following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read................































NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 30, 2014, 02:03:06 pm
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10012525_10201681549216692_696317050_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: IrishGuy65 on March 30, 2014, 08:15:30 pm
Classic Robert!  I love that. 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JustJim on March 31, 2014, 07:06:12 pm
Did not see THAT coming....

good one. :)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 09, 2014, 09:11:49 pm
this one will crack you up.......
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 11, 2014, 02:28:30 pm
Simple words don't show her deadly fangs.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 12, 2014, 03:41:51 am
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had
a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead
of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what ?'. At that point I would have
to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that
question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 12, 2014, 10:50:16 am
Dyson vacuums 'corrective action' on display
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/dyson.html
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 12, 2014, 10:55:44 am
Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."


Then He made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on April 15, 2014, 03:09:23 pm
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A..Salt, pepper,
mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A..The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are
well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A..Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow
(Simple,but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal
cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U .
Q. What is the fibula?
A..A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What isa seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an
Arab or Shriek wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
(now we’re getting somewhere)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on April 15, 2014, 09:23:10 pm
Have you met my girlfriend?
http://youtu.be/J8UdcKfw528
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: kenny on April 16, 2014, 07:58:33 am
good luck with her??
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 16, 2014, 08:04:15 am
(http://cdn.lolzbook.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Your-Thai-Girlfriend.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on April 17, 2014, 11:08:46 am
Those were the days.,
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on April 26, 2014, 10:08:41 pm
A girfriend once told me " I just can't take it any longer"

I said " You're in luck ! It doesn't get any longer. 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: IrishGuy65 on April 27, 2014, 05:24:39 am
A guy roams around China for a month, visiting many cities and meeting girls in all the cities.  Looking for lust, he scores with most he meets.  After flying back home, he tells all his buddies what a stud he is and how he was able to score easily and often in China.  He is so proud of himself, he tells everyone that will listen. 

After being home a week or so, he wakes up one morning, and as he is getting into the shower, he notices some very light red splotches and black dots on his penis.  It's early in the morning, so he ignores it, thinking he is imagining things.  Next morning, the splotches and spots looks a little more pronounced, so he goes to the doctor.

"Doc," he says, "I'm developing some weird markings on my penis!". 
So the doctor looks him over.  "I've never seen anything like this!"  The Doctor then goes to his computer and starts typing furiously...   "Ah!  I see!  Young man, you are the first American case of Mongolian Spotted VD!" 
"Mongolian Spotted VD?  Is it bad?  Am I going to die?"
"No, no, you won't die.  But you will need surgery as soon as possible.  Within the next week."
"Surgery?  What do you need to do?"
"We'll need to amputate."
"What??????  Amputate my penis?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to get a second opinion!"
"OK, but you need to do it quick.  We'll need to amputate as soon as possible."

So the man decides to look for a Chinese doctor, one who may have more experience with Mongolian Spotted VD.  So he finds a Chinese doctor, and goes to see him.  After the doctor looks him over, he says, "It is definitely Mongolian Spotted VD.  I seen it many times on impetuous young men."
"So doctor", the man says, "I was told I had to get an amputation!"
"Hah!  American doctors always look to make money on patients.  Always recommend some surgical treatment.  You don't need surgery."
"Wow, that's a relief.  I was worried.  So what do I do?"
"Nothing."
"So my penis is going to be fine?"
"Well, at this advanced stage of Mongolian Spotted VD..."
"You mean I DO need to get it amputated??"
"No... in about a week, it should fall off on its own."

The moral of the story... Keep it in your pants and you get to keep it!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 09, 2014, 02:16:38 am
thailand got talent
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKMWC9ow22U
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on May 09, 2014, 11:25:50 am
John Iv'e seen this before. Somebody posted it to me on facebook. I about fell out of my chair the first time I seen it. I knew it was coming but it was still great especially the look on the judges faces.

You want a great laugh watch this video.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 11, 2014, 10:45:13 am
after all, it is 2014!
Thought you might enjoy these !


I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's
remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much
faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are
holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated"
gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row!

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you
find one, what's your plan?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 11, 2014, 12:31:27 pm
don't know if this was ever posted...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money
and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't
seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 17, 2014, 10:43:21 pm
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/10341993_10201829657893144_6513064854219569848_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 20, 2014, 07:24:42 am
(http://www.tickld.com/cdn_image_article/a_488_20140516173624.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on May 20, 2014, 03:52:47 pm
.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 26, 2014, 09:28:20 pm
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10270404_1592321830993270_645705962981475878_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: fivetrout on May 27, 2014, 01:37:50 am
Haha it took me a few seconds to get it!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 27, 2014, 10:31:39 pm
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think
I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

I don't think I have ever heard of that one, said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
The first cowboy responded, "Well, it's where you get your gal down on all fours and you mount
her from behind...........Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and
whisper in her ear: “Boy, these feel just like your sister's..........  Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 27, 2014, 10:34:54 pm
Three elderly golfers
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," says the 60-year-old, "You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothing,"
says the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the lavatory all day and nothing happens."
"Actually,"
says the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asks the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse .... no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled by this, the 60-year-old says, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at
6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7.00 am."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 27, 2014, 10:38:45 pm
don't know if this one has flown before, but what the eh!

Trust......
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees
four legs instead of two, a man and a woman. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as
hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents
have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 01, 2014, 12:15:18 am
a chain saw massacre
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EURR7bxyro
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 01, 2014, 12:21:21 am
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of. "

Here the colonel interrupted.

"Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor an asshole."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on June 01, 2014, 12:35:20 am
Three elderly golfers
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," says the 60-year-old, "You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothing,"
says the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the lavatory all day and nothing happens."
"Actually,"
says the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asks the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse .... no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled by this, the 60-year-old says, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at
6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7.00 am."


Thanks JB. I have passed the first two stages so thanks for letting me know what I will soon be looking forward to. Ha ha

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on June 01, 2014, 01:15:54 am
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10325602_1598858957006224_8058105771458596609_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on June 01, 2014, 01:24:11 am
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10298881_1596835270541926_8430518309350088499_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on June 01, 2014, 02:43:42 am
where can I get tickets to this.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10325602_1598858957006224_8058105771458596609_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 03, 2014, 07:48:48 am
had to happen sooner or later
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on June 05, 2014, 07:02:53 pm
This is what happens when you get 4 red necks in a boat with bug spray.

http://youtu.be/nXL_ufssqcc (http://youtu.be/nXL_ufssqcc)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 14, 2014, 12:03:04 pm
Le Serveur | The Waiter (Greg Romano)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CwHrJt8Oz8

Photoshop trumped
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 15, 2014, 11:43:42 am
Little Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do.
All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher turned and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 15, 2014, 11:55:58 am
photoshop uncloaked
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hnvoz91k8hc
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on June 16, 2014, 10:05:15 am
 (http://snews.quickmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2323.jpg)
(http://snews.quickmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2318.jpg)
(http://snews.quickmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2311.jpg)
(http://snews.quickmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2309.jpg)
(http://snews.quickmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2307.jpg)
(http://snews.quickmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2306.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 16, 2014, 09:57:36 pm

The lawyer says: "I have some good news and bad news".
The CEO replies: "Let's first hear the good news. I have had an awful day".
The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in 5 pictures that are worth at least $2,000,000".
The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed, you have made my day.
Now, what are the bad news?".

The lawyer answers: "Those pictures are of you in bed with your secretary"


 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on June 17, 2014, 07:45:51 pm
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10306555_640903575997528_475856146938551748_n.png)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on June 27, 2014, 02:32:11 am
 Some bible thumpers were having a pow wow in Katy Texas. They were on the second floor, of this house. Laughing and praying for the goodness of all man kind. When The floor gave way. And dropped all 150 to the first floor.Nobody was seriously hurt. This do's make you think what the hell were 150 people doing in one house.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: fivetrout on June 27, 2014, 09:10:19 am

Poor-mans...Six Flags amusement park.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 03, 2014, 12:11:13 pm
What struck home for me was #6 but all of them cause me concern.


This is Canada's Top Ten List of America's Stupidity.

Can you blame them for writing this?

Number 10) Only in America...could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate campaign fund-raising event.

Number 9) Only in America ...could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!

Number 8) Only in America...could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

Number 7) Only in America...can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media and liberals react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

Number 6) Only in America...would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens (probably should be number one).

Number 5) Only in America....could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."

Number 4) Only in America...could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check, board an airplane or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

Number 3) Only in America...could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company(Marathon Oil) averages 12% profit and they take all the risk and the US government takes by force 18.4% to 24.4% in gas tax for taking zero risk and doing absolutely nothing for that revenue other than creating a law to force the oil companies to give it to them. So the government makes 6% to 12% more profit than the oil companies themselves on gas sales for doing absolutely nothing but using force.

Number 2) Only in America....could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and the left complains that it still doesn't have nearly enough money for all their programs.

And Number 1) Only in America...could the so called "rich people" who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 03, 2014, 05:50:09 pm
Norwegian Virgin Wedding

Olof Svenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon
next veek and my fiancé, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."

The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your Villy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay
next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the
Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun.
No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ..... still in DA CRATE."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 03, 2014, 06:35:06 pm
Shaun,
re: http://www.chnromance.com/index.php?topic=134.msg67125;topicseen#msg67125

What struck home for me was #6 but all of them cause me concern.
This is Canada's Top Ten List of America's Stupidity. Can you blame them for writing this?

Number 10) Only in America...could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate campaign fund-raising event.
Number 9) Only in America ...could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!
Number 8) Only in America...could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.
Number 7) Only in America...can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media and liberals react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
Number 6) Only in America...would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens (probably should be number one).
Number 5) Only in America....could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."
Number 4) Only in America...could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check, board an airplane or buy alcohol, but not to vote.
Number 3) Only in America...could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company(Marathon Oil) averages 12% profit and they take all the risk and the US government takes by force 18.4% to 24.4% in gas tax for taking zero risk and doing absolutely nothing for that revenue other than creating a law to force the oil companies to give it to them. So the government makes 6% to 12% more profit than the oil companies themselves on gas sales for doing absolutely nothing but using force.
Number 2) Only in America....could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and the left complains that it still doesn't have nearly enough money for all their programs.
And Number 1) Only in America...could the so called "rich people" who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all .


your posting here lacks resemblance to anything considered to be 'humorous'...I mean, shit, the thread
is titled "Just For A Laugh" for obvious reasons. You ain't funny.
In the least, extend the courtesy of a "Off Topic" if you want to pursue some agenda contrary to the intent
of the thread. 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 03, 2014, 06:55:08 pm
Sheriff Obama..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDxzIuhTROU#t=195
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on July 03, 2014, 07:35:32 pm
John B

I have to assume that as Moderator to this Thread that your response to Shauns post was made in all seriousness and not with "tongue-in-cheek"

If that is so, then how does being a Moderator give you the right to moralise over what does or does not constitute "humour" for the rest of us "great unwashed" out here ???? Did you never hear of "gallows humour" which is a legitimate response to some of the truisms mentioned by Shaun. In fact I chuckled in a manic sort of way because if you substitute any Western Democracy instead of America you get the same result.

Your response gets dangerously close to unwarranted Censorship, even though the subject matter was not culturally, religiously or socially offensive.

Maybe it does not fit within your own definition of humour, but some of us here are a little more unbalanced, we find humour per se in the strangest of places !!

I wouldn't have thought that such musings from Shaun warranted the impact of a seperate Thread, these issues are all part and parcel of some of the futilities we all face in this brave new World. If you dont chuckle at them, then the alternatives are to slash your wrists or go and beat your head against the wall  :-[ :-[ :-[
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 03, 2014, 10:51:54 pm
With all due respect to the membership...
this thread is titled “Just For A Laugh”...sort of like a “time out” from all the seriousness of this site. The postings are supposed
to provide amusement & generate a few laughs along the way as we (the Brothers & the Lurkers, the “Whatnot”) navigate the difficulties
of “East meets West” culturalisms.
I think it is safe to say people do have a sense of humor, like a laugh at something funny, whoever they are, wherever they be. Of course, it
is all dependent on the individuals personal taste. "Just For A Laugh" is desired to be a neutral thread unburdened by any political, religious or social
conflict. It is suppose to be “FUNNY. It is not a forum to air personal grievances or of hidden agendas.
I read Shaun's post.
I can be a funny guy and I do enjoy a joke, but I found that post to be devoid of any humor. I did not alter, delete or sensor Shaun's post in
any way. It sits there in all it's virgin nakedness as authored by Shaun. If one were to Google “ This is Canada's Top Ten List of America's Stupidity”,
you will find the answers to the origins of Shaun's post. As much as I tried to find a small gasp of humor there, it was not to be.
I just drank a few more beers. That in itself was good.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: fivetrout on July 04, 2014, 01:15:40 am
If Shaun's list is taken from the Canadian perspective...I'm sure they laugh at us! But for us that live with these truths...................................................................................
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 04, 2014, 02:24:38 am
I have just returned back from the 'Trip From Hell' and whilst I was away it was only Shaun's post that stopped me from throwing myself into nearest river.

Humour does not have to be a hit in the face with a custard pie for it to appeal to oldies like me.  As David said a little gallows humour goes a long way to save insanity.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on July 04, 2014, 10:54:25 am
I have just returned back from the 'Trip From Hell' and

Well at least your  back Willy. By the way, did you see Audie Murphy whilst there?

With Shaun's post, what I see as both Ironic & slightly humours, since I believe true humour has a jest of truth to it, is we have a noted non-religious defending a noted religious person.

Being a Canadian, I do feel taken back by the top "This is Canada's Top Ten List of America's Stupidity" Since as David E said, I see many of the noted  situations belonging to many democracies, not just the USA. In turn, I think it was most likely an American coming up with the topic and its naming. I do think comment #10 is humours, while comment #1 totally wrong (as it is people of influence & hidden agenda that raise this issue to muster the masses for votes).
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: shaun on July 04, 2014, 12:25:39 pm
Thanks to those who saw my post the way I did.  True but humorous especially #10.  #8 is sad but it tickled me because only in America. I did think #6 did hit kind of close to home for me.

It appears that I annoyed someone by the other posts I read.  It is his issue and his alone.  I learned a long time ago that some people just annoy other people but they can't get past their annoyance.

Me, I had a simple way of getting past my annoyance with JohnB.  I blocked seeing his posts.  So he just doesn't irritate me any more.  Now the irritation isn't his issue it is mine. I take full responsibility for my feelings and don't feel the need to comment about his posts. I am making an exception this one time even though I don't know what he wrote.  I don't see what he writes I don't want to know what he writes.  Fortunately this site gives me a way to resolve it.  Thank you Martin.

This will be my last post regarding this matter.  I've got more important things to think about.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 04, 2014, 02:46:51 pm
“I calls ’em like I sees ’em”
I am thinking, as the thread mod' , a little humor is so innocuous, what can go wrong? Seems as if this thread went a
bit wayward. Humorlessly. Then again, it is enlightening to see friends rallying for friends when in need. So be it. Wherever. Whenever.

But the thing is, when the smoke & fire die down, this thread is still titled “Just For A laugh”. As a point of argument, if a 'joke' were to
be presented to a, lets say, a comedy theatre, comedy night, wherever, would Shaun's joke be considered funny? That would be a
stretch of one's imagination. I mean even here, that post is dissected, sliced & diced a few times, as a matter for discussion...a long
reach. I did not see the laughter.
Please note that I did not censer, modify, delete Shaun's post.   
The membership can be the judge & jury of all things posted. I stay religiously within the realm of what is expected of me as the thread
mod. I did not get personal. I addressed Shaun's post appropriately. 
Besides, as a frequent visitor and a near neighbor to Canada, the obvious #1 stupidity is  American beer. Always was. Always will be.
I think Canadian fathers must tell their growing son's about the dangers of life, the #1 being the shitty Budweiser brands of weak
sipped beers.

In regards to DavidE's  “shot across my bow” statement of “moralization”...”unwarranted censorship”, that in itself was a good laugh!
Lets say, as the thread mod, that I “generalized” Shaun's un- funny post within the site's behavioral guidelines.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on July 04, 2014, 06:51:03 pm
What did you say? Did you mean that? well that pisses me off. How dare you.
 
Did you hear that? picking on me again!
OK, Shall we shoot them? Yes, that will teach them.

Why are we talking, complaining and grumbling about something, THIS trivial?

Maybe it is boredom or maybe it's because I care. But I come here several times every day looking for something interesting or helpful or to see if I can offer some help to someone. The board has been dead for a week and finally the silence is broken..... by this steaming pile of shit. This has gone on for months and we cant figure out why we cant attract new members.  Duh!
 
I haven't read Shaun post.   not going to! But I am sure a post in "Just for a laugh" does not warrant 10 responses. None of which were funny.

I don't like it here, don't like it here at all.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 04, 2014, 08:02:46 pm
Gerri, you are correct,
seems that any response to the joke thread is one too many. since I took the bait with the 1st response, then
I was complicit in generating a pissing contest.
so my apologies to all, 'that joke' of Shauns is on me.
maybe we should keep the fireworks safe & sane.
everyone, enjoy your day!

& that includes you too, Shaun, although you will not be able to read my good greeting to you & all the others.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on July 04, 2014, 08:11:02 pm
Sorry you feel that way Pineau, but that's the state of play just now. It seems that nobody is diving off to China to begin the process, so we dont get asked for info.....Anyway, the answers to most questions are already in our data base, maybe newbies are searching and finding what they want from all of our combined efforts over many years.

The specific issues seem to be restricted to a few of us who are having some difficulties along the way (ref. Little Emperors !!!!!!!) and these get sufficient attention from those who believe they can help.

I notice we average about 30 + visitors each day and we know there are about 6 to 8 "regular old hands" who are frequently part of that 30 +, so either the silent ones visit and leave in disgust, or visit and learn, or visit, check the data base and go away happy....I dont know which, but it would be interesting to find out....how to do this I dont quite know, maybe somebody has some ideas.

I cant remember when a question/issue was posed that there were zero responses, so folks are still keen to participate when needed.

Whether or not the answer lies within the parameter that seeking and concluding ba foreign marriage has got to be a rarity in the current economic climate is moot....I dont have data on that either. But I do know that Australia for one is getting VERY selective over the granting of ANY visas....like most Western Countries there is a Political flavour at the moment that seeks to restrict migrant intake. Again, whether or not, this is actually deterring many people from beginning the process I dont know.

Maybe it is important for Future Direction to get some understanding as to why things are quiet...I dont think it is a simple answer such as you posit over the Humour Thread issue.

It would be good to hear an opinion from any person reading the Forum who is contemplating the quest for a Foreign Bride and get some idea as to what exactly is happening in the real World.

My 2 cents worth.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 04, 2014, 08:30:59 pm
Maybe the powers that be may consider making this latest post from David E into a new thread somewhere else.

I am sure that it is something we can get our teeth into.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 04, 2014, 09:15:10 pm
Willy, you are right about David E's post needs to be a thread of it's own. I think the global economy is largely to blame for fewer people contemplating a foreign relationship/marriage. Most of us here know just how expensive of an undertaking dating and marrying abroad can be and that can be a large barrier to many men in today's economic conditions. Many people are still seeking full-time employment that actually allows them to afford or at least save the money for such expenditures. As far as limiting visas most countries with common sense will limit visas and enforce current immigration laws so that they can continue to take care of their own citizens. I can move David E's post and start a new thread or he can start a new thread himself.

Robertt
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 06, 2014, 04:19:39 pm
   My Plan to Stimulate the US Economy   (stolen from Facebook)



 Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
 This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

 
 Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
 A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
 
 Q.Where will the government get this money ?
 A. From taxpayers.
 
 Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
 A. Only a smidgen of it.
 
 Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
 A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a;high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
 
 Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
 A. Shut up.
 
 Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
 
 * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will ;go to China or Sri Lanka ...
 
 * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to theArabs.
 
 * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or ;China ...
 
 * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ...
 * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
 * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
 * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go ;to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


 Instead, keep the money in America by:

 1) Spending it at yard sales, or
 2) Going to ball games, or
 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
 4) Beer or
 5) Tattoos.
 (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
 Conclusion:
 Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard ;sale and drink beer all day !
 
 No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could  suggest a way of stimulating the USA  economy.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: maxx on July 06, 2014, 08:45:55 pm
Robert you forgot one. You can send your money to www.captainandysusedbooks.com.All of my books are American made. Written by American writers published in America. I don't know about the ink or the paper. It maybe made somewhere else I'm not sure.

So remember buy American www.captainandysusedbooks.com
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 06, 2014, 11:13:22 pm
Well my wife is certainly doing her part to stimulate the American economy! She gets downright indignant when we are shopping at a supposedly American store for some American made items for her family back in China, only to discover upon examination of the labels that the items are either made in China, Indonesia, or Vietnam. :o She stares at me like I am the one who out-sourced all the textile industries to Asia. :-\
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 07, 2014, 04:08:05 pm
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 07, 2014, 04:28:41 pm
Babysitter
I just found an old picture of me and my babysitter..
I thought I'd share it with you.

(place your cursor on the pic, and key. comes alive)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 07, 2014, 04:38:26 pm
Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers……

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, a grandfather, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 02, 2014, 07:55:16 pm
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/10511190_10152267627799611_5169821950583045653_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on August 04, 2014, 08:31:06 pm
I could have predicted it.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on August 05, 2014, 11:30:04 pm
https://www.facebook.com/268893639610/photos/a.494929744610.267980.268893639610/10152143812099611/?type=1&theater
 (https://www.facebook.com/268893639610/photos/a.494929744610.267980.268893639610/10152143812099611/?type=1&theater)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 08, 2014, 12:26:57 am
The "Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older
retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my
last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip
and a gun. Who wants to try out first?

" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right
into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there,
she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He
then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,"No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 18, 2014, 05:08:43 pm
Robert De Niro is great.
Robert De Niro was born August 17, 1943. To celebrate his birthday, here is the two-time Oscar winner—who has appeared in nearly 100 films—telling Playboy about his first time on camera.

PLAYBOY: Do you remember your first experience before the cameras?
ROBERT DE NIRO: There was some little thing I did that I don't know whatever happened to. Some walk-on for an independent film: I walked in and ordered a drink at a bar.
I remember a bunch of other young actors hanging around, moaning and bitching, all made up, with pieces of tissue in their collars; it was the kind of thing you always hear about actors—where they're just silly or vain, complaining back and forth, walking around primping, not wanting to get the make-up on their shirts.

PLAYBOY: So you didn't exactly feel as if you had found a home.
ROBERT DE NIRO: No, I didn't want to be around those people at all. I just walked in and walked out. I was nervous, though, just to say the line "Gimme a drink." It makes me think of that joke: "Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" You know that joke?
PLAYBOY: No.
ROBERT DE NIRO: I'm surprised you never heard it; it's a famous actor's joke.
This guy hasn't acted in about 15 years, because he always forgets his lines, so finally he has to give it up. He's working in a gas station and gets a phone call from someone saying that they want him for a Shakespearean play—all he has to do is say, "Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" He says, "Well, God, I don't know." The director says, "Look, it'll be OK. You'll get paid and everything." So he says, "OK, I'll do it." The play has five acts and he has to go on in the third act and say, "Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" That's all he has to do. So he rehearses it when he's in his apartment: "Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" Every variation, every possible emphasis. They're into rehearsal, and he's got it written on his mirror: "Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" And so on. Finally, comes opening night, first act, no problem. Second act, things go fine. Audience applauds. Stage manager says, "You have five minutes for the third act." He tells him to get backstage. His time comes, he runs out, muttering to himself, "Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" And as he runs out, he hears a big brrrooooom!! Turns around and says, "What the fuck was that?"


http://www.motherjones.com/mixed-media/2014/08/robert-de-niro-bervous-first-time-on-camera-playboy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 19, 2014, 09:22:41 pm
Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic ...

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly"

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who
had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was
taken from the bank"
...

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait,” said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say
that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery." ...


This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million.
The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it’s better to
learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber"
...

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun and he can rob a bank ... Give a person a bank and he can rob everyone ...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on September 08, 2014, 06:35:15 pm
Husband Finds His Wife’s Shoe Box Full Of Money, He Confronts Her And This Happens…

http://www.quickmeme.com/news/?p=3287 (http://www.quickmeme.com/news/?p=3287)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 14, 2014, 05:17:09 pm
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10603652_10152629367306328_1117839124910501028_n.jpg?oh=8752b83b16900d321bd3d93f5283a63c&oe=54CCA7F3)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 21, 2014, 01:40:29 pm
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10418352_10202655120195358_509275648809714078_n.jpg?oh=f7ad70b4d28f26e4b8529de91ea5b199&oe=548ECC15&__gda__=1417976106_bcd7f0c81c6a38b96866e821f8086149)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JustJim on September 21, 2014, 08:47:31 pm
That's a good one....   I wish I had been in that line....   That guy has a lot of chutzpah.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: RobertBfrom aust on September 29, 2014, 03:31:06 am
Subject: : 50 Shades of Grey

 

 

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards
then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little
to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts,
and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed,she moaned, softly at first,
then began to groan louder.
 
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park! You do it, you smug bastard."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 29, 2014, 07:26:23 pm
Letters from Bootcamp


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Ma and Pa:
 
    I am well. Hope y’all are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps is easy and beats working for old man Minch by a country mile. They really ought to join up quick before all the places are filled.
   I was restless at first because they make you stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleepin in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you has to do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine your boots and buckles. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, hay to lay… practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, they’ve even got warm water.
   Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on the pork chops, fried potatoes, salt cured ham, steak, sausage, gravy and biscuits and other regular breakfast foods, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by some city boys that live on coffee and doughnuts. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk far.
   Speakin of walkin; we go on “route marches” which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to toughen us up. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. The countryside is nice but awfully flat. We don’t climb hills or nothin. Them city guys get sore feet and we all get to ride back in trucks. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags us a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
   This next part will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting! I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is purt-ear as big as a chipmunk’s head and it don’t move, and it ain’t shooting back at you like the Higgett boys do at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
   Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that guy Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
   Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 04, 2014, 04:37:41 pm
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time,
so Fred bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of Old Butch, that he entered him in the
County Fair, and Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The judges not only awarded Old Butch the
"No Bell Piece Prize", but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well. Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election --- you can't always hear the bells.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 04, 2014, 04:44:19 pm
It's Not About The Nail!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 04, 2014, 11:01:37 pm
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
 "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
 "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
 The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
 "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
 "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
 The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
 "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
 Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
 "Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JustJim on October 06, 2014, 05:46:01 am
Letters from Bootcamp


I was laughing even before I got to the sign off - and I didn't see that one coming... ;D

I grew up in the country and can attest to the way of life there.  Early mornings, chores, good food, all of it.

My first girlfriend had 2 sisters and six brothers.  Dairy farmers and every one of them was strong as an ox, and thin as a rail, and could eat half a refrigerator in one sitting.  I remember her mother used to bake 6 dozen cookies and they would be gone in 10 minutes flat...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on October 07, 2014, 10:35:40 pm
I was flipping through te TV channels when my wife sat down and said.." what's on the TV"?  Dust I said. and thats when the fight started.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 08, 2014, 10:12:53 pm
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BzSbGtkIUAE0NxC.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 11, 2014, 04:13:41 pm
My five-year old grandson is learning to read. Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and
said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

(scroll down)
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Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 11, 2014, 04:15:56 pm
excuse the pun....a rebuttle
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 11, 2014, 04:25:10 pm
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the
woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated
the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send
a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note,
handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know
things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches...... Just send the bottle back!
'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 15, 2014, 10:16:57 am
(https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10521173_10152459329271314_7155011664692009498_n.jpg?oh=65d9e9a3a37a5a1f7341c02415571e80&oe=5514326D)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 16, 2014, 02:03:17 am
I think DavidE will enjoy this one..

Australian Humor!….. Contributed by an X-IBM associate from Vancouver

An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled
over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared! "I can only grant
four wishes!"
the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!"

Pointing to the Maori, she said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish." The
Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and
take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa."


Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline. The Indian said, "I wish for enough
aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"


Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky. The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand
camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in
Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."


Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach. Turning to the Australian, the
Genie asked, "And what is your wish?" The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the
runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of
the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 16, 2014, 02:15:49 am
Mensa Questionnaire:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below:
















































Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 16, 2014, 02:22:32 am
National Poetry Contest Winner

There was a national poetry contest, and they had eliminated down to the last 2 finalists - one was
a Harvard graduate, and the other a redneck from Kentucky. In order to choose the winner, the
finalists were given 2 minutes to create a poem. The only stipulation was that the final word of the
poem would be ‘Timbuktu’.

So, after the 2 minute preparation time was up, the finalists flipped a coin to determine which one
would go first. The Harvard grad won.

He stood up, and began his poem:

"Slowly, across the desert sand,
Trekked the lonely caravan.
Riding camels, two by two...
Destination, Timbuktu."


Everyone applauded loudly, at such a fine poem. Surely he would win the contest. Then the redneck
from Kentucky stood up.

"Me and Tim a huntin’ went,
Met 3 whores in a pop-up tent.
They was 3 and we was 2,
So I buk 1 and Timbuktu."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on November 16, 2014, 06:59:44 pm
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BzSbGtkIUAE0NxC.jpg)

I should show this picture to my step-son as he has not yet learned at 20 years age, how to use a Western stool collector.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 07, 2014, 12:56:32 am
Mother’s Driver’s License…..

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 10, 2014, 07:28:16 pm
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
 The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
 Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
 OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
 "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
 A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
 sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
 The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
 The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
 After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
 So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
 Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
 "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS, ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 02, 2015, 02:27:28 pm
Two married men were at the bar...

...the one looks at the clock and tells his friend, "I'm not looking forward to going home. My wife is going to chew me out again for being away drinking so late. Every time I'm out like this I try to sneak back home and into bed without waking her so she doesn't know how late I've been out. I turn off the car and coast into the driveway. I take off my shoes and enter through the side door. I even get changed in the bathroom and then try to slip into bed unnoticed. But she always wakes up and then I have to stay awake and give appropriate answers for the next 30 minutes of angry lecture."

"I never have that problem." says the friend. "I roar into the driveway and bring the car to a screeching halt, slam the front door shut as I come in, throw open the bedroom door, jump in bed with her and slap her butt and say, 'Guess who's horny?!' and then she pretends to be asleep."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 02, 2015, 02:41:56 pm
http://www.rantlifestyle.com/2015/03/09/17-hilariously-misplaced-advertisements-that-will-make-you-face-palm/

one of 27 Hilariously Misplaced Advertisements........

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 12, 2015, 09:52:16 pm
A mother had three grown sons, all quite successful. The oldest built her a big brand new two story house. The next
one bought her a brand new Mercedes Benz. The youngest one, knowing how she liked to read the Bible, got her a
parrot trained to quote the Bible on demand ... say a book, chapter and verse, and the parrot would recite it. The parrot
had been trained in a monastery for 10 years at a cost to the son of $100,000 per year.

At the end of her life, she left a letter responding to her son's gift efforts. To the oldest she wrote, that house you bought
me was too big ... I lived in one room and had to slave to keep the rest of the house clean. It's been a curse to me. To the
next son she wrote, due to my age and poor eyesight I wasn't able to drive that Mercedes at all ... it's sitting in the garage
with flat tires covered in dust. It was perfectly useless to me. To the youngest son she wrote, you my blessed son, gave me
the best gift of all. That chicken you got me was the best I ever tasted.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 04, 2015, 11:43:50 pm
Had to post this one just for Willy! ;D 8)

(https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11707580_1065808896781007_440345911781927282_n.jpg?oh=78131fddcd94e58f614bd347aa726943&oe=565C18A4)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on July 05, 2015, 10:59:39 pm
You will never know just how better live would have been.
 ;D ;D ;D :D :D ;)

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 24, 2015, 02:55:22 am
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
...The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 24, 2015, 02:57:01 am
The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man
standing at a small makeshift display rack selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment.
I spit on your ties. I need water!"


"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you,
but I must conserve my energy and find water!
"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,
or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food
and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."


Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie..."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 26, 2015, 08:20:43 pm
    Joke of the day...... A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack, The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor, 'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 28, 2015, 10:08:28 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/XFqkv4y.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 16, 2015, 07:13:40 pm
"Once upon a time," a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!!!!"

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged
big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank
Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony
and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never
got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons
of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

Nothing like a happy ending to a story… J
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 16, 2015, 07:17:20 pm
A white guy is walking down the street
He sees a Mexican book store
He goes in and asks:
"Do you the latest Trump book?"
The Mexican says:
"Get the fu*k out of here and don't come back".
The white guy says: "That's it!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 16, 2015, 07:27:21 pm
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small
antelope being chased down by a
cheetah.

The wife told the husband, “If that antelope
survives this one, I'll give you a blow job every day for the rest of
your life.
” For the results, click on the link. Watch
closely....... 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JustJim on August 18, 2015, 09:00:06 am
Finally....  something interesting to eat at tea time...

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on August 19, 2015, 03:11:58 am
Very interesting...... a nice mouthful ;D

You even got the sizing just about right as well.

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: David E on August 19, 2015, 06:54:59 pm
Not sure about the colour though !!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on August 20, 2015, 01:25:55 am
Not sure about the colour though !!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D

Ideal with these shades on!! 8)

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on August 25, 2015, 09:11:07 pm
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a month, and milk themselves.

BRITISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Both are mad.

CANADIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact, yes they are. One speaks French, one speaks English. One fights to create a new country, the other won't let it. They both play ice hockey rather well.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on August 27, 2015, 08:58:33 am
犯人收到妻子来信:你进去了,咱家的几亩地没人翻,公婆干不动,我得看孩子.他回信:千万別翻,地里埋着枪呢。一月后他妻子回信:一帮警察把咱家地翻了好几遍.枪藏哪了?回信:没枪,你赶紧种地吧,其它忙我也帮不了你。哈哈哈哈!!
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on August 27, 2015, 08:16:52 pm
犯人收到妻子来信:你进去了,咱家的几亩地没人翻,公婆干不动,我得看孩子.他回信:千万別翻,地里埋着枪呢。一月后他妻子回信:一帮警察把咱家地翻了好几遍.枪藏哪了?回信:没枪,你赶紧种地吧,其它忙我也帮不了你。哈哈哈哈!!
It maybe not as funny using Google Translate :D

Prisoners received a letter from his wife: you go in our house a few acres of land nobody turn, dry laws do not move, I have to babysit him reply: Do not turn, the ground buried the gun yet. In January after his wife reply: a bunch of police to our house several times to turn the gun where the Tibetan.? Reply: no gun, you quickly farming it, other busy I can not help you. Hahahaha!!

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on August 27, 2015, 10:54:46 pm
I bet your wife understood it.  For the benefits of others. I am sure you already knew the punch line Willy.

Basically the jest of it is that a wife writes a letter to her husband who is in prison.  The field of our farm needs plowed and I cant manage it and there is no one to help.  Husband replies do not plow the fields because that is where he hid the gun.  Later the wife replies that the fields have been plowed by several visit from the police (who are looking for the gun) .
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 29, 2015, 09:11:59 am
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11695956_896133390435971_7660848428836618045_n.jpg?oh=4ba50bd4cd59ccc5997d792c023586fb&oe=56787880)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 29, 2015, 09:18:49 am
 ::) 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 29, 2015, 10:28:58 pm
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 29, 2015, 10:59:01 pm
 ::)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 25, 2015, 04:07:34 pm
When insults had class....
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease".
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.".

"He had delusions of adequacy.". - Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.". - Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.". - Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.". - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.". - Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.". - Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.". - Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.". - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one.". - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.". - Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.". - John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.". - Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.". - Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.".- Paul Keating.

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.". - Charles, Count Talleyrand.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.". - Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?". - Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.". - Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.". - Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.". - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.". - Billy Wilder.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.". - Groucho Marx.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 25, 2015, 04:15:13 pm
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell
if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 26, 2015, 12:18:01 am
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1688422404726169
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on September 26, 2015, 10:32:11 pm
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 27, 2015, 10:17:46 am
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
 A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
 He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
 She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
 "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
 She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
 The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
 The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
 He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish bait is $3.50
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 27, 2016, 12:09:01 pm
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/12729360_846569365468779_8314438413196846457_n.jpg?oh=53e1acd3219906fd9e8a03db3238845c&oe=57609E3F)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 27, 2016, 11:37:43 pm
well Mr Robert, there was a half- way acceptance to the metric system back then...& still is. the common denominator being no fractions.
so build measurements are typically inches and decimals. the metric system is divided in multiples of ten and so is product build in inches
divided in multiples of ten.

when it comes down to "weights & measures" it is a sad story. 
I hate the 12oz bottles. I hate the "pint"/ "pounders"/ whatever that is, because when it washes down maybe the glass is just a mere 14oz anyway.
A liter glass is the only way. I figure if the beer gardens in Germany do it, so should we!

anyway, I was bored enough to go on- line & add my 2- cents. so be it.

I came across this the other day.

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told
the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy,
"You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't
you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but
he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge
of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the
Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!" 

Seems as if I came across this joke 50 years ago...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 27, 2016, 11:46:57 pm
Now I know where my favorite came from....
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 28, 2016, 12:07:00 am
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." 

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test.
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using
numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to
draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the
Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.
'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?'

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere
you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!'

(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So
now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 28, 2016, 12:17:56 am
honesty
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 09, 2016, 12:31:48 am
here goes to all you old duffs...............



All drugs have two names, a trade
name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol
and its generic name is
Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called
Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and
Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a
generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a
team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled
on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that
Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed
by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man
to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Of note, there is
more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there
should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what
to do with them.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 09, 2016, 12:39:57 am
This past weekend was warm enough to get the bikes out and enjoy spring like weather. Well a group of Pekin , Illinois
bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped. The leader, George,
a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before
you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
immediately by another one.

After they were done, George said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

Its unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 09, 2016, 12:45:56 am
The Great Lao-Tzu said:

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your
testicles that you come to realize that there can be
value in solving problems without using violence.”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on March 09, 2016, 08:31:43 pm
An elderly man was out for his morning stroll. While passing the lake he heard a woman's voice: "Somebody please help me!!! ".

He looked around and saw no one so he started to walk on and then heard the same voice again: "Somebody please help me!!!".

He walked up to the water's edge and looked again. Nothing. As he turned to walk away he heard the woman's voice again. "Kind Sir, I'm down here. Will you help me?"

He looked down and saw a frog sitting on a lilly pad. He picked the frog up and ask: "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said: "Yes sir. I was once a beautiful princess. I angered a bad witch and she cast an ugly spell on me and turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is for a man to kiss me on the lips. If you will kiss me I will return to being a beautiful princess again. I will take care of you and serve you for the rest of your life."

The old man gently put the frog in his shirt pocket and said: "At my age, I would rather have a talking frog."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 23, 2016, 07:50:28 am
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-0/s526x296/535111_612057225612717_4262063101594579046_n.jpg?oh=15385b76a1467807171cfe9eb8776aa8&oe=574E0E06)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 26, 2016, 09:40:24 am
(https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12321688_978195012228295_1446155655302389218_n.jpg?oh=51c42dfbce3835fef4791bce4dc28d82&oe=574DDEE1)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 26, 2016, 04:13:46 pm
Who should I vote for?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 30, 2016, 02:36:02 pm
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a
Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids
to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first
person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off."
said the teacher.
'Who is creditted with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that
is the question'?"
asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our
culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday
studying hard.'
said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was
Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take
time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on
Monday studying hard too."
said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Them F***ing Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ............"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 30, 2016, 03:18:14 pm
Selfies
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 30, 2016, 03:20:06 pm
Darcy Oake's Jaw-Dropping Dove Illusions 
Do not miss the last scene
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO_KyTtJg10
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 21, 2016, 03:36:07 am
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE......

Do you know what happened 166 years ago this summer....    June 9, 1850
California became a state!
The people had no electricity, the state had no money
and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.






Heaven or Hell...your choice...
What? No 3rd choice?..

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!
"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.
Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.
"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 21, 2016, 03:54:35 am
Muscle Beach       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyM6Wyg0xPg
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 27, 2016, 03:17:29 pm
Bromance Meme
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 27, 2016, 03:18:41 pm
see CAL!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 27, 2016, 03:21:23 pm
My boss is such an upfront, no bs kind of guy. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.
He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 04, 2016, 11:56:39 am
Wine tasting

At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a
new one to hire. A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply
for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass of wine to
taste.The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope,
matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."


"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

'It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room
and came back in with a glass of urine. The old Navy Chief tried it.

"Blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 04, 2016, 12:08:22 pm
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History."

Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange
student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not
perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."


She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now !" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh Shit, we are finished."
Little Akio said quietly, "Americans, if Trump gets elected."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 04, 2016, 12:12:20 pm
pic
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 04, 2016, 12:23:22 pm
 
THE CONFESSION

Hi George,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you,
but at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been
able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so
guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage
fee and I'll pay you.
Regards,
Alan.


THE ACTION

George, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun (he is an American!) rushed next door and
shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to
reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor.

SECOND MESSAGE

Hi George,
Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned
Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 08, 2016, 01:26:46 pm
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to
chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:

"What is your name?
Angela Benz, sir
Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Yes sir, very close
How close?
Same price."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 08, 2016, 01:29:22 pm
I was out attempting to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen was watching.
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

Finally she yells to me
"You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 10, 2016, 02:27:20 pm
Interesting information to know!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 10, 2016, 03:42:50 pm
A Texan is drinking in a Colorado bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
 He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
 Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas. Like I said my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
 Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
 The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
 The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
 The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 10, 2016, 08:36:39 pm

TRUMP’S SOLUTON FOR THE AIRLINES…..
Dear Airlines
Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight
attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course,
every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female
flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching
halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why
didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Donald Trump

done deal on VietAir
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1Ia1fLc8hw 
 

latest of the self- labeled greatest... the guy belongs on a joke thread.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 24, 2016, 11:19:20 pm
Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look normal."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 26, 2016, 05:03:57 pm
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'
she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 31, 2016, 10:32:21 am
Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
 He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
 The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
 "Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
 "Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"
 The old farmer dropped his head and sat quietly for a few seconds. Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 01, 2017, 07:55:09 pm
Hunting Dog .....your daily groaner
Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there
aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The
dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two
ducks out there".


Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes
to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I still don't believe it. There really are only two
ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?
" Chester says

"Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him". So Earl
goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges
and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for
ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f*****g ducks out
there than you can shake a stick at".

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 01, 2017, 07:58:41 pm
Being polite in mixed company:

A teacher asked her students, "If you were on a dinner date with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "I gotta go pee!"
The teacher replied that was 'crude'.
Sherman offerred, "Excuse me, but I really have to go to the toilet!"
"Better, replies the teacher, but let's not use the word "toilet" at a dinner table."
Edward said, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands
with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce to you after dinner".

Edward was sent to the Principal.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 01, 2017, 08:08:57 pm
Paraprosdokian is a derivative of a Greek word, which means beyond
expectation. It is a wordplay type of literary device. Its final part of a phrase or sentence is unexpected.
Its unexpected or surprised shift in meaning appears at the end of a stanza, series, sentence or paragraph.

The following are a few paraprosdokians which were sent to me by a friend.

*If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.

*I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

*Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool,
so I gave him a glass of water.

*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

*I'm great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*Take my advice — I'm not using it.

*My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

*Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

*Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

*Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?

*Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

*He who laughs last thinks slowest.

*Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

*Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

*I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

*If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

*Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

*If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

*Money is the root of all wealth.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 05, 2017, 01:26:32 pm
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the
horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle,
as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly,
"I think, therefore I am."

But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.


Then again, for you deep thinkers...

This is a great joke, and yet sorry to be such a nudge here, but the problem I see with
this example is that it's a fallacy and is highly illogical, Captain...

The fallacy is called denying the antecedent...
Aristotelian logic would say:
If P, then Q - if this is logical
Then, therefore, if not P, then not Q is not logical...

Example: If the sidewalk is wet from the rain, then it rained...
But, you cannot deny the antecedent and therefore conclude that if the sidewalk is not
wet from the rain, that it did not rain... the sidewalk could have been covered with a tarp
or umbrella while it still rained...

One can only logically say therefore that if it did not rain, then the sidewalk did not get
wet from the rain... sure, it could get wet from a sprinkler or a spilled drink, but not from
the rain... that is the only logical conclusion...
Therefore, if the horse didn't think he was an alcoholic, then he could still be and would
not go POOF!

A good reference:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denying_the_antecedent

I wonder if Stephen Hawking would enjoy the joke?

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 05, 2017, 01:52:39 pm
New Year's Day in Pyongyang

Kim Jong Un wakes up after a drinking binge.
He walks around his office, but sees no one. He explores his building, but can't find anyone.
He peers out of the window, and the streets of Pyongyang are completely empty.

His phone rings. Hurriedly he lifts it, hoping to get an explanation. His wife was on the other
end of the line.
"Glorious husband! Last night you had too much Soju and opened our borders."

"Shit! Are the two of us the only people left?"
"Actually... I'm calling from Seoul."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 12, 2017, 01:11:56 am
The Italian Cruise

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy
tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and
keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD that you're alive."

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted. That night, the sailor brought
her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love
to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with a sailor," she
replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 21, 2017, 12:19:29 am
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 21, 2017, 12:23:30 am
this one sparks a memory...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go
to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how
the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign
on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and
Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely
as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To Avoid Gender Bias Charges, the Store's Owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 21, 2017, 12:26:53 am
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't
see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures
out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze
my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to
have sex with him, she should reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't
want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 21, 2017, 12:41:20 am
Bill Clinton checking out  Melania Trump during the inauguration festivities.
https://gfycat.com/MajorMedicalKinkajou

Bill is okay.. he did a helluva job despite the fuckheads who impeached him.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 21, 2017, 01:09:44 am
A Short Hot Love Story
I shall seek and find you... I shall take you to bed and control you... I will make you ache,
shake and sweat until you grunt and groan... I will make you beg for mercy... I will exhaust
you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you... And you will be weak for days.
All my love, The Flu
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on January 22, 2017, 10:56:39 am
Good jokes. Very funny. I'm going to plagiarize them for FB
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 22, 2017, 08:56:54 pm
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 23, 2017, 01:19:15 am
The Western Girls are worth so much more!   

Sold by the pound that is! 8)

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 26, 2017, 01:56:29 am
SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental
train back in the 50's.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired
and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied 'Get your own f------- blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ...he farted. The end.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 26, 2017, 02:01:59 am
Make sure the wife doesn't see this - you'll lose more than a rib!  :o 

Which brings me to:

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he was sick, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 26, 2017, 02:09:24 am
An 80-year-old Texas farmer goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish," said the old guy, "and that's why I'm In such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing.
In the evening, I have a beer and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old,"
says the old Texas boy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the topless
bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too."
"Well,"
the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he
when he died?"

"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?"
"He's 118 years old,"
says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"
"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 26, 2017, 06:29:01 am
My wife suggested we go out and get drunk, then have some hot sex before going back home.  I thought it sounded like fun, but being a practical fellow, I asked her to leave the house key under the door mat in case she came home before me.  Now she's not talking to me??
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 26, 2017, 06:29:47 am
(https://scontent-dft4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16298896_10154116315222466_1873237654571675908_n.jpg?oh=69fffb2bc5d26fcf0a0fdccc57509c2e&oe=591DD319)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 28, 2017, 11:07:31 pm

Sex quiz for men

1. IN THE COMPANY OF FEMALES, INTERCOURSE SHOULD BE REFERRED TO AS:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. YOU SHOULD MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN FOR THE FIRST TIME ONLY AFTER YOU'VE BOTH SHARED:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. YOU TIME YOUR ORGASM SO THAT:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss happy hour at your favourite bar.

4. PASSIONATE, SPONTANEOUS SEX ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. SPENDING THE WHOLE NIGHT CUDDLING A WOMAN YOU'VE JUST HAD SEX WITH IS:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE'S GAINED FIVE POUNDS IN THE LAST MONTH. YOU TELL HER
THAT IT IS:

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. YOU THINK TODAY'S SENSITIVE, CARING MAN IS:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. FOREPLAY IS TO SEX AS:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A WOMAN WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE:

A. P
robably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EVALUATING RESULTS:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times -
check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times -
check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times -
YOU DA MAN!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 29, 2017, 10:12:14 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16427466_10154127433387466_1270786377407032762_n.jpg?oh=78126205980044b4bec582e32a237df2&oe=594B0E8C)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 30, 2017, 12:38:15 am
Are you sure its to keep illegals out?  Probable real reason is to keep Americans in. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on January 30, 2017, 11:21:34 pm
Trumps plan to pay for the wall?

Dont let the out,  but I hear he is planning to hire the  Mexicans and stiff the for the payment.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 01, 2017, 08:09:39 pm
Beautiful English…..

I think this guy should apply as a spin doctor in government: I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".
I was impressed.....On further inquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water.....under his wife's supervision.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 01, 2017, 09:46:53 pm
This past October a female police officer up around here arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
 The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
 The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or, at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
 Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
 In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
 Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
 He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit!! ... is it midnight already?'
Title: Super Bowl Day
Post by: Willy The Londoner on February 05, 2017, 09:12:00 pm
Certainly was a Super Bowl Day here.

Had rice, noodles and dumplings all in one bowl today. Certainly was a super bowl day for me.

Willy
Title: Re: Super Bowl Day
Post by: Rhonald on February 08, 2017, 08:20:12 am
Certainly was a Super Bowl Day here.

Had rice, noodles and dumplings all in one bowl today. Certainly was a super bowl day for me.

Willy

And Over Time, ..... did your stomach get full with a Winning comeback from Hunger?
Title: Re: Super Bowl Day
Post by: Robertt S on February 09, 2017, 06:24:21 am
 :(
Title: Re: Super Bowl Day
Post by: Robertt S on February 09, 2017, 06:39:47 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2017, 11:14:05 am
Trumps plan to pay for the wall?

Dont let the out,  but I hear he is planning to hire the  Mexicans and stiff the for the payment.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2017, 11:17:46 am
Happy Belated Ground Hog Day!!
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2017, 11:26:19 am
the Cat's Meow
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2017, 11:28:24 am
happy St Valentine's Day! 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 09, 2017, 05:23:36 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p526x296/16602560_1022114241255946_2319741811712945637_n.jpg?oh=236134badbf60cc43dd700723409434e&oe=593E5A50)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 09, 2017, 05:25:06 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16473270_10208110460615459_4936445230386373516_n.jpg?oh=64f17e7a9a1230ad4d8c6696003759c6&oe=59005161)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2017, 07:14:05 pm
 Twitter Moments..
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2017, 11:41:22 pm
this one is bringing back a memory, I think, but what the eh', it's funny enough to repost.


One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant
and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire
departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the
vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department
that brings them out intact."


But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen
arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could
bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby
Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the large newer fire
trucks that were parked around the plant.

Without even slowing down, the old truck drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the
other fire fighters watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and
fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had the fire well under control and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the
reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to
do with all that money?"


"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 11, 2017, 11:46:04 pm
is this what they mean when they say, "buy low... sell high"

10 Canadian Marijuana Stocks For Your Portfolio
By Mrinalini Krishna | February 9, 2017 — 12:46 PM EST

Read more: 10 Canadian Marijuana Stocks For Your Portfolio | Investopedia http://www.investopedia.com/investing/10-canadian-marijuana-stocks/#ixzz4YRWiZo1S
Follow us: Investopedia on Facebook
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 12, 2017, 12:35:02 am

 A Man was out golfing one day when he hit the ball into the woods.
He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."


The man freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your wife will get times ten!"


The man said, "That's okay."

For his first wish, he wanted to be the most handsome man in the
world.

The frog warned him, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
wife the most beautiful woman in the world, a Venus who men will
flock to".


The man replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most handsome
man and she will have eyes only for me."


So, KAZAM-he's the most handsome man in the world!

For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your wife the richest woman in the
world. And she will be ten times richer than you."


The man said, "That's okay, because what's mine is hers and what's hers
is mine."


So, KAZAM-he's the richest man in the world!

The frog then inquired about his third wish, and he answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Men are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention male readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Female readers: Please scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The woman had a heart attack ten times stronger than her husband

Moral of the story : Men think they're really
smart….

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 12, 2017, 09:33:15 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/10271638_10152340856469694_1247103403511874132_n.jpg?oh=dc46a9e7a6234835e2fc3c055d672e01&oe=5936528D)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 12, 2017, 11:49:41 pm
The Dot.......
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively
thought this was connected with tradition or religion but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has
recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night,
the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station,
a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to
answer telephones and provide us with technical support.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 12, 2017, 11:58:58 pm
Erections and Aging
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it,
even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about
ten degrees, if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend
it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week,
and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 13, 2017, 06:55:19 am
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16711856_1414085718650556_6370027418727653538_n.jpg?oh=a9d35ed284503440649983f7b917360e&oe=5949A747)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on February 14, 2017, 03:32:42 pm
Hey John, I dont know if your were being funny but I bought into some cannabis related companies and they are doing well. One has tripled since I bought it. 
And I got in for pennies.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 16, 2017, 07:47:47 pm
Hey John, I dont know if your were being funny but I bought into some cannabis related companies and they are doing well. One has tripled since I bought it. 
And I got in for pennies.

now, still pennies?

Gerry, Gerry, Gerry...
of course this is a joke thread... this particular post was meant to be funny!
but I guess I failed in my endeavor to make you laugh!

now, your post begs the question. since your  post is investment related, did
you perform due diligence? or, since your investments are consumer related,
are the products of these few companies something you personally know
something about. enjoy. and recommend to all your friends? a can't miss getting
rich scheme of things or, in the least, enjoy the ride?

usually every year there is a stockholders meeting... free samples?
I had to ask.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 16, 2017, 07:53:31 pm
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...On any land!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running
for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure
enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 23, 2017, 03:47:37 pm
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual "dumb blonde" jokes, when a blonde in the 4th row stands up on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women li...ke me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of juvenile humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 23, 2017, 03:50:55 pm
I'm sure Robert will enjoy this one..

One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Cajuns bought just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from Louisiana.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn't buy even one ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered the three Cajun boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Cajuns crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Cajun knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 23, 2017, 03:57:02 pm

Mr. President, how do you feel about Roe vs Wade?
President Trump: Look! I don't care how the Mexicans get home, but they have to go.

When I get my tax refund I'm gonna party like it's $19.99



 
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?".
I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 25, 2017, 01:05:23 am
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise
her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, she tried the step, and, once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With another little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her
gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally
I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 25, 2017, 01:07:48 am
memories on this one....

A Husband went with his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are
sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks
up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down".


Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 25, 2017, 01:11:29 am
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the
Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before!

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’
and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

Well, what on God’s earth are dey for.” inquires the Irishman.

They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

The fook you say”, says the Irishman. “Fookin' BMW thinks of everything, don't they?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 31, 2017, 12:28:39 pm
Recently I was diagnosed with
A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder


This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on March 31, 2017, 12:33:12 pm
Hell Explained Scientifically

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa repeatedly kept shouting 'Oh my God, I’m coming!'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 21, 2017, 05:15:32 pm
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive
clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her
like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides
not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?"

“I wanna be Larry's whore"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 04, 2017, 12:23:44 pm
Best branch of the US Armed Forces? A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an
 argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four
servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck
and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There,
they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So,
the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the
best?
Saint Peter replied, I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next ]
time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven
.
Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and reminded him of the question they had asked
when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their question.
Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening
with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play
crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY TO:
All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special
respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.


Warm Regards,
God, USArmy, Ret.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 04, 2017, 12:29:44 pm
A Few Words of wisdom on Beer

Open a beer … read the following quotes about beer and enjoy…

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!”

George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza

Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 04, 2017, 01:09:53 pm
AllTooTrue
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 11, 2017, 12:32:14 pm
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've
heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?


Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 11, 2017, 12:37:41 pm
An atheist is hiking through the woods. He thinks he hears something behind him so he
turns and sees a bear. Not wanting to spook the bear, he continues to walk, not run. The
noise behind him gets louder so he turns to look and, sure enough, the bear is gaining
on him. He decides to walk a little faster, but the noise continues to get louder. The bear
catches up to him so the man begins to run, but it's no use because the bear is right behind
him now, with one paw raised high... in the air, ready to grab him. The man, gripped with fear,
shouts out loud, "Oh dear God, don't let me die!" With that, everything freezes in time, and
the man hears a loud, ominous voice from above that says, "I can save you my son, but first you
must believe. Do you believe?"
The man, confused and terrified, says "No, I'm an atheist, you don't
exist."
God replies, "So be it, that is your choice, but I cannot save you." The man, scrambling to
save his life, asks "If you can't save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?" God thinks
about this for a minute and replies, "I have granted you your wish my son, the bear is now a Christian."
And with that everything goes back into motion. The bear, having lost all its momentum, drops to the
ground dizzy and confused. The man, wondering if the bear is now a Christian, doesn't know what to
think. The bear looks up rubbing its eyes and sees the man standing there. The bear's eyes get really
big, which leaves the man breathless. Then the bear puts its front paws together and bows its head.
This brings great relief to the man because he can see the bear is in fact a Christian and merely saying
a prayer. Then the bear speaks, "Thank you Lord, for this meal I'm about to receive..."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 13, 2017, 10:46:24 pm
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. They were to rotate with each home hosting every other month.
 The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
 Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
 She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
 He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.
 So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
 Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.
 All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
 After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.
 About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
 One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
 They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,
 "You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 16, 2017, 06:56:38 pm
a Talking Dog..Britain's Got Talent 2015

my wife sent me this from China.. http://url.cn/499Nh9d
on YouTube, see it in it's full version.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1inR2b7PS5M   
this is incredibly funny
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 25, 2017, 12:24:19 pm
The Cynical Philosopher...



? I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

? I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

? I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

? When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

? A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

? Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

? You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

? Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

? I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

? Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

? You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

? If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

? I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

? I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”

? My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

? My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

? Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

? The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

? The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

? I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

? Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

? The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 25, 2017, 12:31:00 pm
a Willy's Humor..

A boy and his mom were walking down the street and the boy pulled on his
mom's arm and said, "Mom look! There's a bow-legged man over there!"
His mother shushed him quickly telling him it's not nice to call people bow-legged.
A week later they were walking together and he pulls on his mom's arm and says,
"Look mom! There's that bow-legged man again!"
This time the mother takes him straight home saying, "I've told you before it's not
nice to call people bow-legged."

Once they arrived at home the mother handed the boy a book of Shakespeare saying,
"Go to your room and read this book! Hopefully it will teach you some manners!"
So the boy read the book, and a week later they were walking down the street, and
the boy pulls on his mom's arm and says, "Hark! What manner of men are these?
Who wear their legs in parentheses?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 02, 2017, 12:39:52 pm
little Johnny is back!

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating”.

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
“fascinate, not fascinating
”.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated”
. The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word fascinate”.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
“fascinate” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Narelle has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”


The teacher sat down and cried.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 02, 2017, 12:43:22 pm
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on
America's ball-related recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.
The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 02, 2017, 12:52:28 pm
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between
the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the local pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and said to his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what exactly was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is so very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on a street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She responded, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the
other time he fell asleep."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on June 02, 2017, 02:26:30 pm
 :)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 06, 2017, 08:13:14 pm
COVFEFE
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 06, 2017, 08:18:37 pm
Vasectomy by the Comedics

(sung to the tune of the Beatles' "Yesterday")

Vasectomy

A surgeon took the goods away from me
And though I should be feeling more carefree
Oh, I grieve my vasectomy
Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be
There more like ornaments upon a tree
Oh, I grieve my vasectomy
Why they had to go
I don't know She wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now they're gone Like Yesterday
Vasectomy
Love was such an easy game for me
Now that I'm firing blanks it's plain to see
That I grieve
my vasectomy

cbc.ca
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 08, 2017, 08:19:57 pm
The plane leaves Heathrow under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to
indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in
his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor!, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ..no mattah...all same'.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 08, 2017, 08:27:47 pm
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before"

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... 
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 04, 2017, 09:18:54 pm
(https://scontent-dft4-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/19657014_10209310344811814_1957862957014812750_n.jpg?oh=dc63c96393fefb7b5e1d455ce588ca1b&oe=5A083A31)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 04, 2017, 09:21:34 pm
(https://scontent-dft4-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/19554055_10159066926185515_2832355127632113724_n.jpg?oh=96be506f605140b768173b2a359ce22a&oe=5A0CE760)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 06, 2017, 11:43:29 pm
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610379.jpg)
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610380.jpg)
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610381.jpg)
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(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/936748/84610383.jpg)
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Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 06, 2017, 11:51:36 pm
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year British scientists found traces of copper
wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists
dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than
250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on July 09, 2017, 12:22:20 am
had to steal the crows for facebook.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 14, 2017, 11:19:13 pm
TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
 These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 _______________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS: July 18th.
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS: Every year.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
 WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 _________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral...
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 And last:
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No..
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 15, 2017, 12:05:01 am
(https://i2.wp.com/i.imgur.com/SFYpa40.png?w=474)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 04, 2017, 12:10:27 am
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…It is also
the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin
and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!

That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?

Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll
stick with my moped!”


Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can
do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!   Something whips by him going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors
the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped
could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari
is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops
and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 04, 2017, 12:13:21 am
For those of my older generation (like me) who do not really comprehend
the need for Facebook:

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying
the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell the passers-by what I
have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do
tomorrow. Then, I give them pictures of my family, my dog, me gardening
and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations, and I tell them I love them. And it works.

I already have three persons following me ... two police officers and a psychiatrist.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 06, 2017, 08:25:07 pm
 healthy benefits of a glass of wine
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 10, 2017, 03:11:39 pm
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits
about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly
high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to
Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits,
and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into
battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 10, 2017, 03:23:27 pm
There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one
was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a
half minutes? I wonder what he wants
.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk
faster, too.


SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He
cannot follow us both.


So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened
to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started
to run as fast as he could.


SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with
his pants down.


And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 10, 2017, 03:44:18 pm
I think this is an old posting, but what the f*ck.. 


Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk
due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics
of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of
one ear. Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but eventually
became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for
his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your
starboard ear and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.
" The Admiral got
very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well,
yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and
seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but
went ahead with the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise,
the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and
thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral
asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear!"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 10, 2017, 10:39:51 pm
Hillbilly Logic


 Billy Joe and Jim Bob have decided that it is time to improve their lifestyle and go back to school. They have taken the placement examinations, and are patiently waiting for the results. Finally, the counselor calls Jim Bob into her office.
"Congratulations, Jim Bob!" she says. "You have been accepted, and this semester you will be taking arithmetic and logic."
"Well," says Jim Bob, "I knows what 'rithmetic is, but what's this here Logic?"
"Here, I'll give you an example." says the counselor. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Why, yes Ma'am, I do."
"Then by using logic, I could deduce that you have a yard."
"I sure do! I've got me a big 'ole yard!"
"And if you have a yard, it stands to reason that you probably have a house."
"Yes Ma'am! It's a nice little house, and I'm right proud of it."
"And if you have a house, I'd be willing to bet that you're a married man."
"I sure am, to a pretty little gal at that!"
"And seeing that you're married, you are most likely heterosexual."
"Ain't no likely about about that, I am most certainly hetero-sexual! Say, you can tell all that about me just by using this logic stuff?"
"That's right," says the counselor.
"I think I'm gonna like this class!" says Jim Bob as he runs out to tell Billy Joe.
"Guess what Billy Joe?" says Jim Bob, "I got accepted, an I'm gonna be taking 'rithmetic and logic!"
"What's this here logic stuff?" says Billy Joe.
"Here, I'll show ya!" says Jim Bob. "You got a weed eater, dontcha Billy Joe?"
"Uh, no."
Jim Bob eyes his friend suspiciously. "Yer one of them queer folk, ain't ya..."
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 10, 2017, 10:47:13 pm
  Wisdom From the Military   

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 11, 2017, 07:26:56 am
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
 In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
 GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”
 I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
 Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
 Both result in death...
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 22, 2017, 08:55:09 pm
 (http://lmao.co/wp-content/uploads/deadfish.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 22, 2017, 09:01:52 pm
We were discussing after supper who was more loyal a supportive spouse or a faithful dog .
Someone mentioned lock both in your trunk for an hour and when you unlock it who will be happy to see you ?

 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 22, 2017, 09:04:15 pm


(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DHog8JpUAAAyYvp.jpg:large)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on August 22, 2017, 10:35:04 pm
john, I gotta steal that one for facebook.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 24, 2017, 02:24:06 pm
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;
buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him
that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives
him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants
to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 24, 2017, 02:38:53 pm
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.... “
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 24, 2017, 02:43:47 pm
Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed
obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck
it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20
begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the
garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 24, 2017, 03:13:22 pm
Man walks into a Pub ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides,
"What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay
bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look,
I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry,
but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks,
"Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back
and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause
it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita,
"So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly
exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name
for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET.
Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on August 24, 2017, 03:22:52 pm
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,
And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
" Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge
you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know,
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 01, 2017, 12:55:23 pm
4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said,
'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little,
but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.
Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear,
all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 01, 2017, 12:59:32 pm
 

Sign on a store..... Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta,
and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a
whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and
make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they
might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a
slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them
suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there
trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 01, 2017, 01:05:56 pm


A young boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference
between 'potentially' and realistically'?


The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'


So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'


The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'


The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?'


The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'


'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically'?"


The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
"But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer."


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on September 08, 2017, 07:24:22 pm
Another good one JohnB
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 11, 2017, 11:01:37 pm
Time for a little off topic:

Ever wondered what makes 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving! 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT
and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 11, 2017, 11:07:57 pm
 
Priceless

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling,
he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,
and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front
of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed
when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it
and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling!'


He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked,
'Son.. what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee
table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran into the door.'


Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.
'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you bitch, I'm married!!
'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time... PRICELESS


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 11, 2017, 11:13:24 pm
HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought
he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He
said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When
we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He
fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 11, 2017, 11:15:35 pm
UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she
is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating,
or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his
mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire..
No further studies are expected.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 12, 2017, 10:43:48 pm
 :)


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 16, 2017, 09:44:41 pm


A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers
to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf
round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if
I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay,
but we start at 6:30 a.m" He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats
all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and
the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite
playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very
pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a
burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays
right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late
arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and
complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the
Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going
to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf
practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed;
if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys
says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 17, 2017, 01:37:43 pm
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
 Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
 Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
 A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
 The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
 The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
 The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
 The journalist leaves.
 The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
 U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on September 23, 2017, 10:38:15 pm
(https://scontent.ford1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21686187_10208339357556053_1255603732019848232_n.jpg?oh=7d41f01fc774c89091e62e734129843c&oe=5A54BD37https://scontent.ford1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21686187_10208339357556053_1255603732019848232_n.jpg?oh=7d41f01fc774c89091e62e734129843c&oe=5A54BD37)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 01, 2017, 01:33:42 pm
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
 He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
 The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
 The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
 The guy says "No, what?"
 He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
 Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
 He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
 Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
 He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
 While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
 He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
 The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
 "No, what?" replies the guy.
 "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "
 Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
 "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
 HE MEASURES EVERY THING FIRST.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 15, 2017, 12:39:49 am
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his
rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they
felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie.. we all know lawyers
cannot and do not lie.

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many
children do you have ?


He answered, "Twelve."

The agent asked "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery
with their mother.
"

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words.



Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 15, 2017, 12:42:39 am


A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again. 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' 


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a
wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened,
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order. 
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 
'Go get your Mother'
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 15, 2017, 12:47:12 am


My successful knee surgery 

The surgery went well. My knee x-ray highlighted the problem right away.
One knee didn't have enough cartilage and had to be replaced. 
You can see what they added in the x-ray below. 
Mine must have been a very unusual case because every nurse at the hospital
had to come take a look at the x-rays. They started bringing me extra trays of
food, milk shakes, and boxes of chocolates...... they even left their phone numbers
so I called them back to thank them.
They were all so nice. They wanted to help me at home with my recovery. 
One even said she'd move in until I could get back on my feet. I'm a lucky man. 
Regards,
JohnB




(https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.f0_d_Q5NeujDuSgs57zA7QD6D5&w=218&h=217&c=7&qlt=90&o=4&dpr=1.5&pid=1.7)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 20, 2017, 03:20:44 pm

Older people have problems you haven't even considered yet:

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing."

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 20, 2017, 03:24:07 pm

Pumpkin Pi

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ae/9a/20/ae9a203a7ccf10b30aa2f273b4aaaa03.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 20, 2017, 03:33:10 pm

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said,
'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable
.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor
thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney
as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on
one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this
old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't
make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk
and that you'd be happy about it!'


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 20, 2017, 03:38:31 pm

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts
sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs
to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then
throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. 

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud
hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: "I think I can
get you out."

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up." The
chicken does this and is pulled to safety. 

Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 26, 2017, 01:51:21 pm
(https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/hphotos-xaf1/t51.2885-15/e15/11420775_1610490379224122_44448760_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 26, 2017, 01:55:44 pm

Four Husbands…..

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married
for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to
be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what
they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had
first married a banker when she was in her 20's.
Then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's.
It was a preacher when in her 60's.
And now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained: "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on October 26, 2017, 02:08:47 pm

an old posting..

Good News/Bad News…..

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client. He said,
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she
invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've
just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"


The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary!"


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 02, 2017, 08:03:57 pm

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'


So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'


Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'


Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?'
They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'


There. That, should piss off just about everybody.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 02, 2017, 08:09:31 pm
 
I got my concealed gun permit yesterday and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to
get a small 9mm pistol. When I was ready to pay for the gun and ammo, the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about
the gun control wackos, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking
stopped and the security guard arrived, I found out she was referring to how I should
place my credit card in the card reader.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions
to seniors a little clearer.

PS: I still don't think I looked that bad.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 02, 2017, 08:14:34 pm

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dfY8Ju6FRvA/VcyWjTVYNpI/AAAAAAAABEY/gMvHOoDN-3o/s400/Chinese%2BSick%2BLeave.jpg)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 02, 2017, 08:17:45 pm

 (https://i2.wp.com/theava.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/LifeSecrets.jpg)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on November 10, 2017, 03:38:27 pm
A chinese meme
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 10, 2017, 07:27:04 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 10, 2017, 07:37:26 pm

(http://www.schiesshouse.com/oldmedical%20Small%20Web%20view.jpg)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 10, 2017, 07:50:27 pm

 
Hilarious and sometimes embarrassing moments in a doctor's practice.


1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . ......
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take
off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. .I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . '
Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

5.
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green and above it there was a tattoo that read .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN JAMESON

AND
FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . .

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor
to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed
or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk
.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 23, 2017, 11:48:41 am
HAPPY THANKSGIVING..........Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays
     Heat oven to 350 degrees
     Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated.
     Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
     Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;
 Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.
     Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue
     to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.
     If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should
     look like the one in the picture.
     Bon Appetit!
*
*
*
*
*
*
(http://s2.grouprecipes.com/images/recipes/original/4245940232.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 23, 2017, 05:05:58 pm

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the
parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed..

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my
rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 
(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/68/63/49/6863498429bf16d3ef0ddc580f8e4148--thanksgiving-funny-thanksgiving-wreaths.jpg)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 30, 2017, 12:29:46 pm

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the
official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some
room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known
as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump
with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will
be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should
go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer,
ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of
a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes...   


(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DNMwc0rUQAAly-q.jpg)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 30, 2017, 01:04:23 pm

It’s rivalry week. #WSU is one win away from the @pac12 title game.
But a reporter getting married in 9 days asked @Coach_Leach for wedding
advice tonight, and Leach’s answer was incredible. With my wedding under
10 days out, I figured why not ask coach Leach for some marriage advice.
I was expecting more of a big picture answer, but he had to make sure he
got me thru the big day first!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HNUrnCWHVI  

Coach Mike Leach, Washington State University

(https://www.saturdaydownsouth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/USATSI_10437430-718x490.jpg)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on December 01, 2017, 10:29:23 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/24059005_10154992411057478_4112454015897398246_n.jpg?oh=3eac24acc5342fe7446cdf4645c36869&oe=5ACF1659)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 05, 2017, 08:49:19 pm

Great Magic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYTNQhK5Cgk

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 06, 2017, 10:48:57 pm


(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-rJ9vHitP1ks/Wh7rCnGKJRI/AAAAAAABIrg/-B4UtJ6yoqUnhjkpO5-vDmPpo3KrwCISACJoC/w530-h457-n/IMG-20171129-WA0054.jpg)

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 19, 2017, 10:43:42 pm

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They
set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on December 19, 2017, 10:58:55 pm


A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for
free in really good restaurants. "I simply go in at well past 9 pm, eat several
courses slowly, and linger over coffee, and dessert, until they are cleaning up.
I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night.'
And, because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and
I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be."
The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."
The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 4 star French restaurant.
They both eat like kings and, just as before, they are both sitting quietly after
enjoying their very full meal, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and the
rabbi a bill and asks them to pay. The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our
original waiter." (who apparently left for the evening).
And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 01, 2018, 10:37:37 am
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26112008_10210540449883672_2009298175456047582_n.jpg?oh=0cb9d6a741f2a79a4314bbdc6c193849&oe=5AF0DB66)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 16, 2018, 07:47:00 pm
SINGLE BLONDE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity and age unimportant.
 I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
 I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
 Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
 Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
 I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
 Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
 [Over 15,000 men phoned in and found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old Golden Retriever.]
 .....MEN ARE SO EASY.....
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on January 18, 2018, 04:03:03 pm
Robbertt. I had to steal that one
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 19, 2018, 09:07:18 pm

Cinderella was now 75 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince,
she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
called Alan for companionship.

...
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the
Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella,
since you have lived a good, wholesome life since
we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered
her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly,
her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella
was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her
lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What
does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish
I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once,
her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for
years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish,
what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat
in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat
into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in
his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her,
a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever
seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy
your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect
boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with
his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 19, 2018, 09:16:03 pm

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine
in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I
still think my thumb's broken!'

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 19, 2018, 09:19:36 pm

First year students at Medical School were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class...
by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should
not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

doctor "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
anus of the corpse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and
told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention!"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on January 19, 2018, 09:29:25 pm

Ever noticed how deleting one word after another in a sentence can lead to a nice story ?

Here's an example:

"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at all .!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont..!"
"Oh Jack plz...!"
"Oh Jack.. !"
"Oh....!"
"O !"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on January 24, 2018, 03:44:33 am
https://youtu.be/590F3LXVpYw

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 05, 2018, 08:47:22 pm

The difference between Oo and oO...

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."


On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."


"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is
your brain after drugs."


"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison …"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 06, 2018, 07:27:03 pm

The Rancher's Young Widow


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted young wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.
" The hired hand
readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it
to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 18, 2018, 10:05:38 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/27857843_1727032957409326_4878050074462824426_n.png?oh=26eeefe6e2ea96dc2e88fc3f14cf9244&oe=5B149C9C)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on February 19, 2018, 03:52:00 pm
You guys are cracking me up! Happy year of the dog, New Year and Spring Festival.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Rhonald on February 20, 2018, 08:52:17 am
Happy Chinese New Year to all. I helped man a booth for my wife at our city's Chinese Culture Center. She had a few Guzhengs on display and was advertising her Music center hoping to get some new students. I wished many a Happy New Year but warned that it would be a rough year ahead.

Many  debated my perceived pessimism until I needed to explain - Year of the Dog - its gonna be a ROOF ROOF year ahead!

As a side note, our weekend here was very cold with snow and slippery roads, making it truly rough driving conditions.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on February 21, 2018, 05:59:32 pm
Wow, I would love to have seen your wife's Guzhengs. Chinese instruments fascinate me (and I am a professional musician!)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 23, 2018, 01:58:55 am
(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7CjaoXLFAPY/WoyO5aHQ3kI/AAAAAAAAG3Y/pKYq-zwxxdsfh3oRd7plUIrQEzPSpjCmwCLcBGAs/s1600/Mexican%2BHoliday%2Borigin.jpg)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 23, 2018, 02:07:15 am

Coffee With the Pope

Nescafe Coffee Inc. arranged a meeting with the pope at the Vatican
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we
have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you
change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.
"

The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our
offer to $300 million."


"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do
have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic
Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us
this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."


And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church
will come into $500 million."


"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Bread account."
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 23, 2018, 02:11:11 am

50 shades of........

Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out. . . a little to the right. . . a little to the left. . . she
could feel the sweat on her forehead. . . between her breasts. . . and, trickling down the small
of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . .
forward then backward. . . again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . her face was flushed. . .
she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder. . .

finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream. . . "OK, ok, you smug bastard, I admit I can't
parallel park. You do it!

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on February 24, 2018, 08:29:34 am
LOL. Thanks guys, I could used a laugh (or three).
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 24, 2018, 10:46:15 am

Gus,
you're a man of many words. 哈哈哈
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on February 24, 2018, 10:49:07 am
 ;D  I am more the strong silent type I guess.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on February 27, 2018, 10:22:05 pm
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on February 28, 2018, 05:36:59 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 14, 2018, 07:49:23 pm
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on March 21, 2018, 08:27:39 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28783111_1776634989065880_2538145051381334016_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=5a76be729a5e96a16acb22b445c2c9fc&oe=5B757A9D)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 08, 2018, 10:18:20 pm
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have S.X with you. I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, “Do it but ask him for $2000, then pick up the money so quickly that he wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself.” So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “What happened?”
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still f..king!”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 14, 2018, 11:54:55 pm


The Proper Way To Call Someone a Bastard…..

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached
and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the
twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
Fred said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed.

George easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while George
counted his $80.00.

He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on
suckers.”
Fred, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

The embarrassed pro asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you
want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 14, 2018, 11:58:22 pm

Two men in pilots uniforms and dark glasses work their way up the aisle of the airplane.
One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the two enter the cockpit, the door closes
and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for
some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window
seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to
look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too late and then we're gonna crash."


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 15, 2018, 12:00:56 am

There are these three Southern ladies, Miz Ida and Miz Edna, and Miz Blanche a settin' in the
glider on their porch, drinkin' mint juleps and fanning themselves in the cool afternoon air.
Their talk turned to the pet names they called their husbands.

Miz Ida turns to Miz Edna and says "I call mah husband sugah buns because he has such a
naice reah end.
" And Miz Edna says to Miz Ida, "I call mah husband sugah lips because his kisses
are so sweet."


Why Miz Ida and Miz Edna wait for Miss Blanche's mutual personal disclosure. Nothing is
forthcoming. Finally they ask her, "Don't you have a pet name for your husband?"

Miss Blanche, clears her throat gently. "I call mah husband Drambuie."

When the other two looked bewildered, Miz Blanche continued. "Because he is a fine fine likkah."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 18, 2018, 11:03:53 am

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a South Pacific cruise and proceeded
to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with
no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is
lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the
island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches,
and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."


"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual
stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she
soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him
is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare
ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"


"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice.""
Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After
they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom
cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a
razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on
to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each
strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?”
She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in
his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course too?"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 18, 2018, 11:10:33 am
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/31870847_1699565206788809_5536777662808195072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=6a0e1b732b807d0fcb6305941523a673&oe=5B841C56)
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32147700_1705643356180994_3018043363933814784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=c6a77079ca1b3154c4baec1974fe74fa&oe=5B504728)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 20, 2018, 01:52:22 pm
(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32699030_2089543534599498_5818208908161843200_n.png?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeF3yOgZoZZN6CEXt9Z5R557PsYK6dUbPsJoVkXdW2Df_3yX8U-XCyVuZHM2i5cqhOm6IQjP49znRbYtSQo0Qu2_AX0aPvdwWJciH_HbP4sf4g&oh=fc2f82c3ae297d27a5c1f290d78e2303&oe=5B92EF0C)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 20, 2018, 01:55:29 pm
(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1509255_848593335167546_379073459_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeEqjhI8CSnBQ-TUgS0sjlvQFg8bNmHjjC9iMn11Xti5qrKn0dZfpkS-72Wkguyi7PfLJ9LcXsk7R1axVpaGCAMwdDgveF9p6FoUF7fDXX7WGg&oh=dfcf507422e9742362cedc3b78298201&oe=5B9ACEAA)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 23, 2018, 12:26:36 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13177834_10209779678633354_7841546755497336091_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeHfFnlm0aBXbfux9r8BinlQ3p0LuC6mcPEpUqghrAIsuBsvvW4jTpFSzSQf3rczeygqslnae1KRU4Vxq3QLE04qFRYHYQWkmEVriH-D1ANpJg&oh=1035d767744e0bdab83b801f45977082&oe=5B8F0BA8)

A ship engine failed and no one could fix it.
 Then they brought in a chap with 40 yrs. on the job.
  He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
 After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.
 He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.
 The engine was fixed!
 7 Days later the owners got his bill for 10k.
 'What?!' the owners said
 'You hardly did anything.
 Send us an itemized bill.
 ” the reply simply said Tapping with a hammer. $2
 Knowing where to tap?
 $9,998
 Don't Ever Underestimate Experience.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 12, 2018, 10:57:11 pm

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor
said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer
a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick
it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 12, 2018, 11:11:47 pm

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and
raised in Mexico ?"


Abe replies,"I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know señor, I ask the cooks."

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
"No señor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,

"I check once again, señor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no
Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."


The waiter returns and says, "Señor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no
Mexican Jews."


"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Señor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews,
but no Mexican Jews"
.


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on June 13, 2018, 03:00:43 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 15, 2018, 02:14:07 pm

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in
the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky
Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of
the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress
size, you dumb ass!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. 

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 15, 2018, 02:25:58 pm

I WILL GO DOWN ON YOU AND MAKE YOU EXTREMELY HAPPY.

BUT ONLY LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU THINK IT IS GOING TO GET BETTER.

THEN I WILL COME BACK UP AND F--K YOU LIKE NO OTHER!!

SINCERELY YOURS,

GAS PRICES
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 15, 2018, 02:46:46 pm
 
Subject: New Stud Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it
has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster
says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what,
young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop.
" The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running
by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his
head and says, "Darn.....third queer rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

.......age, skill, and treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on June 15, 2018, 02:51:13 pm

Claude & Maude

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed
each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude
out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They
dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued
along a natural course and age being non-inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most
enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for
a time in their own thoughts �

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on June 19, 2018, 03:17:13 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on June 22, 2018, 11:21:07 pm

Dear Diary,
Just moved to Georgia ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with southern plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Sh*ts. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of
flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do sh*t for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Georgia. What kind of a sick demented people would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 01, 2018, 06:20:24 am

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 06, 2018, 09:58:19 am

The Irish Fisherman.....

The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was
an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass,
cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", said the old man.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 06, 2018, 10:04:10 am

A Hooker in Las Vegas..........

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a
fantastic-lookingVegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker,"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well,"
says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth
$500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.
I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the
guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just
experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every
bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is
$1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or
so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed
than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his
money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want
to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and shows?
"Damn!"
the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No,"
the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 07, 2018, 08:41:09 pm

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE? WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY LADY, WHO HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.


I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on July 13, 2018, 04:33:23 pm

  Head Case

 https://coub.com/tags/%E5%88%98%E8%89%BA%E5%85%89
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 22, 2018, 07:40:59 am

I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive.


The salesperson (a lady wearing a Hillary for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter.


So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry, and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my ass year round.


The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on July 24, 2018, 04:10:47 pm

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
 One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
 As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
 floated, of all things, a condom!
 When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
 "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
 directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
 The pastor fainted.
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on August 07, 2018, 06:12:55 am
This gave me a really good laugh.

Are you going to be supporting Trump 2020?

Well the company producing 1000 flag banners a day at a dollar a time has received apublicity here.

American jobs, No made in China because it is cheaper here.

Willy

Strange that there is no additional US tarif imposed on this product
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 17, 2018, 06:09:48 pm


Why Seniors Never Change Their Password



WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: Cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: Boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively..

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on November 17, 2018, 06:15:28 pm


A skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the
Irishman and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of
testicles, Turner Brown


The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him...... The big guy says, "What's
wrong with you?


In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me........ I'm 7 foot tall, I weigh
350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my
name is Turner Brown”


The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2019, 02:49:51 pm

The light turned yellow as he approached the traffic lights. He did the right thing and stopped at the
crosswalk, even though he might have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very
serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed
in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She
was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you
were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the
"What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to
Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.

I assumed you had stolen the car...."
(Priceless)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2019, 02:54:11 pm

Turnabout

Woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a
note saying, "I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me." and hid under
the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he
comes into the bedroom, she could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone,
"She's finally gone ... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy
French outfit, I love you"
.

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears
in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote, "I can see your feet. Stop being retarded,
we're out of bread, put the kettle on, back in 5 minutes."



 
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2019, 02:57:57 pm

(https://scontent.fewr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50745306_10215465323879263_4034232870980550656_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-1.fna&oh=9067494db0d2664fff62720470c6e31e&oe=5CB5F3AD)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on February 09, 2019, 03:05:21 pm

Sara a widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach in Sarasota, Florida. She looked up and noticed that
a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket
on the sand near hers, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you,"
he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied, and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and
it is very lonely,"
she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy
cats?"


With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore
off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 08, 2019, 10:18:16 am

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old
canons and laws of the church, by hand.
(https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gKd2xaQ2WdE/Up0LzjRIv7I/AAAAAAAAdWA/B_SEVh6qnR4/s640/1a.jpg)
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
(https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xXyt2s5l3Ek/Up0MQ4DVfpI/AAAAAAAAdWQ/N63g23NKtM8/s640/1b.jpg)
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
(https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ikLrOqA_wgs/Up0MRLBybwI/AAAAAAAAdWY/sLFnqA3XcZE/s1600/1c.jpg)
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JooMp6UNAac/Up0MROpqroI/AAAAAAAAdWU/KllUO-j7QTw/s640/1d.jpg)
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the

R!

We missed the

R!


We missed the bloody

R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.


The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was .
(https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kfMhT--6TDs/Up0LzjfKtlI/AAAAAAAAdWE/shyYUQpDrXA/s640/1e.jpg)

CELEBRATE!


Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 08, 2019, 10:45:21 am


(https://scontent.fewr1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52886962_3116122001746998_7443491598882570240_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-2.fna&oh=57b7ac57b02bd25b8f4137311406fb7a&oe=5D216875)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 14, 2019, 01:22:17 pm
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 14, 2019, 04:30:51 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48416290_10212894856222359_3855026876678406144_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=f74b627b34c0444f9c7fb1cbcdb3ee42&oe=5D406002)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 14, 2019, 04:36:38 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48404027_10212891018486418_8200085680466952192_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=9a3b679afcad5b7d04e9d93428e1c455&oe=5D39C3AC)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on April 14, 2019, 04:51:21 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/57251253_370964493760870_2058438766816657408_n.png?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=a1a5c9cbf1da404796c08d3b613bf60a&oe=5D352F44)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 20, 2019, 01:04:47 pm

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him
he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with
four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting
you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.. yesterday evening, I was sitting in
my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my
eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a
nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles
and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'...... On the bed
she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so
I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on April 22, 2019, 04:22:09 pm
 ;D ::)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on April 23, 2019, 11:55:38 pm


Paul told me he called his Aunt Karen in Ohio today. She had told him that she and his
uncle Frank made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other
if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first
contact: "Karen, Karen... can you hear me now?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I have come back as we agreed."

"That is wonderful! What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning and have sex. I have breakfast and then it is off to the
golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times. Then I have lunch (and Karen, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another
romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

"After supper, it is back to the golf course again. Then I have more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day, I start all over again".

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I am a rabbit somewhere in San Diego".
 

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: JohnB on May 13, 2019, 05:39:04 pm

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?," she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone
else,
" said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie"


Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she
was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he
paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. Where are you from?"


The man replied,"Idaho".

"Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Gus on May 15, 2019, 11:43:15 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 17, 2019, 09:16:06 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67770187_10214369993419867_6034214122126573568_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_oc=AQlC_SKiriuhuAGxygAX2y7c8SzfxnId1_YDwZzUnjzTH88CDC3XurAji9aOUDSdHxKY29bBn-RuhD2gTMQJIfO4&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=828584ee18f63ba8ea7972a20adb3587&oe=5E0EED08)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 15, 2019, 11:19:15 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72253198_1054764178201501_6616860494919630848_n.png?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQlkL32YD6PcMO84_Ju-8EefkUpdvq_hgVHq8rcymiWRqkx01MHbDjroPriX0MIKIGC55XQ4z49DMcOWR1JKzF4v&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=3dec4747f72da76421d32577c6abf1fb&oe=5E1C0A97)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 24, 2019, 10:12:51 pm
A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the
 semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
 "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
 "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
 "Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
 So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
 About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
 "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
 "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
 >believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
 "Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
 "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
 The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a
 really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
 So she has him shoot the dog.
 When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
 "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
 "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
 "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
 The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
 "I sure did, Dad!"
 "That's my boy!"
 The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be..
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Mark on October 30, 2019, 06:19:03 pm
brb
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on October 30, 2019, 10:34:49 pm
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on November 01, 2019, 12:14:11 am
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be..

Well at least the  present one does not need a girlfriend to lie He does enough of that himself

Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 14, 2019, 03:49:20 pm
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day: The daughter said to her mother. “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied. “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said. “My hands are freezing cold.” The girl replied. “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said. “My nose is cold.” The girl replied. “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said. “My pen!s is frozen solid.” The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother. “Have you ever heard of a pen!s?” Slightly concerned the mother said. “Why, yes. Why do you ask?” The daughter replies. They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 14, 2019, 03:50:38 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/75242232_10215113290081819_9021022886156042240_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQnfIAXj_fXbldNCVDGpNPFbd2F4i3_Ha7mVBQW2j3apA4RG8MK8_Y5nQKID1vwQzK-0CGG5170Pj0YoH6dnJXUg&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=8dfe9057d92382c024de190354e5b26f&oe=5E588194)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 14, 2019, 03:52:40 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73372222_10215069048655811_750036963603513344_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQn8Nz2cGP6G7gD-TSFL-cKlnggz4L_rtUSF7fT6NLdZl7GnoKBLzhQG0B7I2P0JcsSlKVR3OyaYW71m2Ek3Yvm-&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=e2fd2928e564124120d7c5bffe54a938&oe=5E87175B)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 14, 2019, 03:54:37 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/74789768_10215068132712913_3558179211287986176_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_oc=AQmEGNfgWRagTSgyf_whVcxIHbARvc2PjYVPq6Z3u5Z3JSDd5MavYnWVXcCDyLQwK5n1i2H6F213KDwH1yUy1Jyl&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=b60ce06ed1b07415ac0167cbf218b75b&oe=5E416063)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on November 14, 2019, 04:48:32 pm
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73482663_10215951793887558_7548350403620896768_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQnterKYur6FNN2yNZ-5Oj_4kv8wt9exnXZCqfwY4GMnTrEI2orC4dZPdOZfFgK0xDe_9wpX2elEgVTZXMHvMRAQ&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=f7b193e01b4b37e508dc84faad16fbc7&oe=5E8CBD35)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Willy The Londoner on November 15, 2019, 06:24:56 am
Can I take it that you are  not a Democrat Robert.

 Willy
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 16, 2020, 10:55:03 pm
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 16, 2020, 10:56:35 pm
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 16, 2020, 11:01:36 pm
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on January 16, 2020, 11:06:52 pm
 ::)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Pineau on July 09, 2020, 08:56:11 pm
A great way to get even:

I was in the drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order and she was handy with the Bird sign Language.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved
to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.


When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and grabbed both orders.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Moral.....
“Don't mess with old people.”
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 04, 2020, 03:51:19 am
 :)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 04, 2020, 03:58:39 am
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 16, 2020, 01:25:43 am
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 16, 2020, 01:27:21 am
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 16, 2020, 01:29:13 am
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on September 16, 2020, 01:37:11 am
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on May 14, 2023, 10:09:00 am
 8)
Title: Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
Post by: Robertt S on August 05, 2023, 11:00:55 pm
 8)