China Romance
All About China => Understanding Chinese Women => Topic started by: Crystal Tao on June 10, 2010, 04:33:07 pm
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I have a little theory which I wanted to share and verify with the members of "China Love".
In psychology of love there is a famous "Triangular theory of love" (you can read about it in Wikipedia). In short it states that love is a combination of 3 components: "intimacy" (sometimes referred "friendship"), "passion" & "commitment" (or "responsibility").
Now, what I often thought to myself - is that the element of "passion" is usually stronger in interracial couples than in standard ones. The pure fact that the man/woman besides you is a little bit different creates a stronger romantic tension, and makes the fading away of passion (when people just get used to each other) slower.
Even, when spouses already get used to each other, they are often reminded about the special nature of their relationship by the curious looks of strangers when they go out (or during different social intercourses). And it helps to lit the sparkle again.
I myself am not in relationship for a time long enough to judge about it with certainty - so I wanted to know the opinion of more "seasoned" members :D - "do you think that the passion in your relationship is stronger than if it would be with the partner of same race"?
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Interesting concept, but it does not explain that why some men are more attractive to Asian ladies then perhaps Indian or other racial group. Myself had more Asian girlfriends then Caucasian. My friend told me that I was probably Asian in my previous life. :o
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"do you think that the passion in your relationship is stronger than if it would be with the partner of same race"?
This is a very good question , I never even ask myself about my Marriage now .
I can say with certaincy , that this my second marriage is somewhat different , then ... my first .. which had plenty of Passion in the 30 years we've been together . What makes this one special ? I myself can see that meeting through the internet AND having to wait to meet for the first time was a BIG plus for both of us . After almost seven months of only writing and phone calls , I think not only did we get to know each other sooo well .. but the patience displayed on both our parts has build up closeness and yes passion to be with one another . That there was really nothing going to get inbetween us and all this before ever laying Eyes on each other Face to Face . This special Love , I like to call it .. is indeed very special to both of us . Now that we're together for some seven month's soon , I think / know .. it's still the Honeymoon and I have no idea when it will be over ?
I really can't say , if it would have been the same with an western Woman ? On second thought , NO it would definately not been the case .
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Interesting question, Crystal. Personally I don't see it that way. But I do believe that seeking a partner in a foreign country makes you fight harder for your love. I look at some of my male friends and they're engaged or married to girls (basically) from next door. They speak the same language, obviously, they've grown up in the same part of the same country. They have not had to work hard like many of us here with the language barrier, with living far apart from the one you love, with dealing with different agencies just to get your loved one to visit you and so on. All this gives me a feeling that if my lady and I would have relationship problems in the future, we would face them with patience and determination and not just give it up because we can easly find someone else next door. We've already gone a long way by then just to be together in the first place. I've never felt this confident with a woman before, never trusted a woman like this before. So I think it isn't only about race (I kind of dislike that word for historical reasons...) but also about HOW you meet and what the cultural differences are.
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Crystal I would say no.I have dated different women from all different backgrounds.And different races.It all comes down to how the two people in the relationship really feel about each other.THey say a person has 4 hearts one they show the world.One they show there family and friends.And one they show thiere wife/girlfriend.And one they only show to themselves.The heart that they keep to themselves.Determenes how much passion.And romance the relationship will have.
We all know when you start a new relationship.You go at it with your all.Flowers, poetry and all the little things that go with it.You think about the person all the time.You wonder what they are doing.And if they are thinking of you.After time the romance does slow down.As the two people get more comfortable together.Then up steps the fourth heart.It plays a huge part in determining how the relationship will go from there.
Take for example.One of are members here still rights poetry for his wife.Does all the special things for his wife to show his wife how much he loves her.From what I have read.His relationship with his wife.Will always be like this.And that is great for him and his wife.He has committed his fourth heart to his wife.
For others the newness of the relationship.Does where off.There is poetry and flowers once in awhile.There is still the alone time with each other.But it is nothing close to what it used to be when the relationship was New.This does not mean that the two people in the relationship love each other less.It just means that the relationship.Has reached another level.Where you don't have to spend every moment together.You don't have to send the flowers and the poetry every day.You know what your fourth heart is telling you.
You get to the point in the relationship.That there is no question in your mind.That your significant other thinks the world of you.And you think the world of them.So there is no point in trying to prove it every day.
I don't see my wife as being Chinese. I know she's Chinese.She was living in China when I met her.She speaks English with a accent.She eats some strange food.Talks to her mother on the computer using Chinese.And does things differently. then I would do them.What I do know is she is a lady.She is my best friend.She is the mother of are 2 boys.She is my wife.I think that is the important part of are relationship.
As far as people staring at us.It doesn't happen to much in the part of the United States I live in.There is allot more people staring at us when we go to China.
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I honesty believe it's different for everyone. In my short but wonderful experience, the passion was more intense. I have to agree with Arnold and Hans on many things in which really hieghtens the passion in dating interracially online. The fact is its not easy to find that "IT" girl. It took me five years of searching to find my ex (To be fair she found me). After we find them then it takes patience. Patience in every aspect. The patince to talk to someone only a couple hours a day, with only seeing that person via webcam. Patience in dealing with language and using translating devices. But all that really pays off in the long run. Many of the pressures with dating are eased because by the time you meet that person, you know alot about them.
To answer your question, is yes for me it is true that there was more passion in my relationship.
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I have a couple of theories
1. Eroticism, different ethnic groups will be seen as being more erotic. Possibly creating more passion for at least a period of time
2. As to the length of passion in the relationship. I think that the continual learning about each other will take longer in an intercultural relationship (as opposed to interracial), an American marring a Chinese person is going to have a longer learning curve in finding out all the things about their spose. The continual learning could lesson the complacency that can occur in same cultural marriages.
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Posted by: temur72
2. As to the length of passion in the relationship.
Man could I PUNtificate this one ;D but since this thread was started by a lady I will keep the jest to myself. ;)
But I do have to say my two favorite words in the English language are "P" words: Prudence & Passion
Both are required for a long succesfull relationship. :)
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I honestly missed the pun potential of what I wrote
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Sorry Temur - my subconscious mind never seems to shut off. Sometimes my Puns are a little inappropriate.
I do agree with your posting on Eroticism since I believe the exoticism of Asian ladies enhances the perception. I guess my imagination to the Pun was triggered by your word choice and a healthy Love life needs a sprinkling of eroticism and imagination to ignite passion.
So please excuse my tilting at windmills of my mind.
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Sorry Temur - my subconscious mind never seems to shut off. Sometimes my Puns are a little inappropriate.
I do agree with your posting on Eroticism since I believe the exoticism of Asian ladies enhances the perception. I guess my imagination to the Pun was triggered by your word choice and a healthy Love life needs a sprinkling of eroticism and imagination to ignite passion.
So please excuse my tilting at windmills of my mind.
Not a problem, I got a chuckle from it actually.
Despite what my handle seems to indicate, I am Canadian and dont mind the dirty jokes. I just missed the potential for it in my original post
Being of German/Irish descent and born and raised in Western Canada I find Asian women to be very erotic looking in general, and Asian culture (specifically Chinese) to exotic and very interesting. I figure that should the lady I am talking to do get married eventually we will have years of learning ahead of us. Her of Canadian culture and traditions like ice skating and dealing with the cold (She is in Changsha). While I will have years of learning about Chinese culture from her. This should keep the relationship fresh and exciting for a greater period of time (I was going to say longer but that would open up another opportunity)
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Why did I choose a Chinese lady instead of one maybe from Japan, Thailand, or Korea? Well I do find all the Asian lands to be inhabitated by beautiful exotic ladies. Jeon Ji Hyun Tribute (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpfIgbKcShE&feature=related#) Even Korean girls. But I also choose to have a lady that I could introduce to friends of mine that could help her with cultural shock. I do have a few close friends that have immigrated from China. Thus I trod to China on my soles to search for my soul mate.
I have often wondered why this attraction to the lands of Cathay. I remember reading fondly of Marco Polo's journey and besides the book "Dune" my other favorite books were Tolkens "The Hobbit" and "Lord of the Rings". I was always drawn to the grace, wisdom and beauty of the Silvan Elves as Tolken described. I wonder if his inspiration for Middle Earth came from the Middle Kingdom? Asian ladies share a similar grace and beauty. Their culture is a long lived and wise one. So from the lands of Cathay I found my own brown eyed elfin girl.
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I understand the point of difficulties that have to be overcome in far-distance relationships.
I myself experienced it with my boyfriend (and quite proud of how we handled it :) ).
However, in my opinion, it also has some hidden dangers. Whenever a person "invests" a lot of energy into something (in this case relationship) - it becomes more difficult to admit a mistake. Sometimes people just don't fit each other, or for some reason it is better to both of them to separate. But if they put in too many efforts - they can develop an obsessive idea of being together in spite of anything, and sometimes just fail (or refuse) to recoginze the failure.
Sorry, if I can't express myself or sound too vague...
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.Sorry, if I can't express myself or sound too vague...
Dui bu qi ? No need for that , not everyone is great expressing Him/Herself in Word's .
Crystal , I know through my Wife .. that Chinese Men ( most well off finacially wise ) have Girlfriends on the side . Go out with them after work and then .. come home to a Wife , all this seems to be tolerated by the wife in most cases . Why is that ? My Wife's brother is a good example for this . Not that he cheat's ( sexually ) , but to be out at Dinner or Party's by himself and come home as nothing has unusual has happened . As the wife goes and does her thing , til they meet late at home again . They of course are married over ten years now and are very happy together from what I see and hear . I ask my Wife , hence it's ok there .. if I could have three Girlfriends here in the States ? She said ... sure ! I like this chinese tradition . hahaha
Not that I was going to take adventage of this custom , but does bring up some strange thought's ... wouldn't you say .
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I don't think it is difficult to admit a mistake? as to overseeing or letting some things pass to continue with the relationship.
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However, in my opinion, it also has some hidden dangers. Whenever a person "invests" a lot of energy into something (in this case relationship) - it becomes more difficult to admit a mistake. Sometimes people just don't fit each other, or for some reason it is better to both of them to separate. But if they put in too many efforts - they can develop an obsessive idea of being together in spite of anything, and sometimes just fail (or refuse) to recoginze the failure.
Could someone give examples of this? This kind of boggles my mind.
If you arent right for someone you would just know. I have dated quite a few women before and even after spending a large amount of time on them, we still broke it off when we realized we were not right for one another.
Seems logical.
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i could be wrong but i think what Crystal was saying is that sometimes people stay in a relationship
far to longer than what they should have been in. thus making the breakup even more of a disaster
than it would have been if done sooner. i guess we should wait to see what she has to say about it
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Crystal deliberately uses the word "invests", and it is common for all kinds of investment, that the deeper you are invested in something, emotionally or financially, the harder it is to extricate yourself if things go wrong. The longer I invest in the shares of a company, the more I stand to lose if I bail out, plus there is always the possibility that the shares may recover. Similarly long-distance relationships tend to involve more of an effort to overcome the obstacles of language, culture, distance, family disapproval, greater commitment, more risk, more life-changing decisions, not to say a large financial outlay. So, if things are not going well, there is no easy get-out clause, little return on the large financial and emotional investment if you break-up, and the possibility that you have wasted months, if not years of your life if you admit that your relationship has failed. In the light of this, you are more likely to give it one more try, hiding the reality from yourself, which is that you are flogging a dead horse.
Maybe this is what Crystal means ;D
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Yes, this is exactly what I meant.
And thanks for making a notice of word "investing".
I remember a book on marketing psychology - how salesmen use different tricks to force buyers to make a deal.
There was an interesting thought - don't remember the exact quote, but the meaning was, that fools are very consequent in their foolishness. That is, once they stepped on the wrong path - they continue going that path (even if there are many signals that they are wrong).
How is it related to the previous topic? Well... maybe for face things, of for some other reasons - but once we begin to do something, and once we invested some critical amount of efforts --> we are not going to stop even if at some point realize that we are wrong (and we will "successfully" head to a logical, but not-happy-ending).
Because so many efforts are spent on online communication, paperwork, everybody around is somehow involved (including family, friends,colleagues). Too difficult to cut everything.
I really don't know how it works with Chinese ladies in US or Europe, but in Israel (where I live with my boyfriend) - they have a so-called girlfriend/boyfriend visa which can be extended again and again. It gives work permit, medical insurance and virtually any rights except citizenship. I think it is very wise - since people can test waters before tying the knot. And it reduces a lot of pressure when people make decisions.
Thankfully it has nothing to do with my relationship, which is very happy :)
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Crystal,
It is a good question. There have been many good responses. I know you have moved past the original question but I was not able to get on for a few days and would like to add one to it.
For many of us it is a second marriage. I was married for almost 28 years when we divorced. Needless to say I was not thrilled with the divorce. But as I look back on it, it should have happened years ago. For me there is and interracial side to this but I think more importantly for me is that I have an opportunity to do things differently this time. I am seeking to improve on how I handle the marriage this time.
Peggy and I had an interesting talk about it this morning. She said you are 55 and I am 48. We will not have many more chances at a happy marriage. We both need to work hard for happiness. We both need to focus on each other. Our children have their lives and we need to be there for them but it is about you and me. It is good to hear those words because it is exactly how I feel. for Peggy and I it is a second chance to find true love that lasts a lifetime.
Shaun