China Romance
All About China => Marrying A Lady In China => Topic started by: Martin on June 19, 2009, 09:25:34 am
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I thought I would make this thread, since I am one of the newly married guys, and see where things are at, and let others know where I am at.
I am absolutely thrilled at being married to a wonderful woman. I did not expect to ever get married again, and yet here I am. I had many months of emails, MSN/QQ chats, both on and off web cam. So when I went at the end of March, I knew I wanted to marry this woman.
There are however, cultural differences that sometimes challenge my brain. One of the biggest things I have noticed, is that I am never privy to big decisions that she is making about her life. I have talked to her about this, and the reply I get is...My life is boring. I replied that her life was anything but boring. But still, I am often kept in the dark about her day to day life...particularly when it comes to big decisions.
I have reasoned that this may be because she has been single for all her life, and is not used to discussing things with another person. Or, it could be because she feels I need not be burdened with things such as this. Either way, it does get a little frustrating at times.
It seems that now we are married, the flow of information to me has slowed down. Don't get me wrong, we still communicate everyday. MSN/QQ, and phone calls daily. But its the important parts of life that get left out.
Does anyone else have similar experiences?
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You know it. It's funny how before marriage they're somewhat doubtful, as if to protect themselves from the bubble bursting. Now, after the marriage, she's kinda complacient, as if she no longer needs to worry.
It's funny how to many western women, it's just a ring. To them it's a bond.
I guess the only thing that baffles me is the occasional 2-3 day dissapearing act. I know she spends much time with the family, helping the parents but she won't bother saying a word before hand but figures it's not necessary to burden me by saying something. She's coming around and realizes it bothers me but I realize it's not necessarliy her fault. she's just doing what she believes she's supposed to.
OH, and get used to the missed questions you ask. sometimes it gets overlooked or something but you can end up asking 3-4 times before she'll answer it. it can be quite frustrating but I think we westerners are more inquisitive than chinese men.
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I'm not a big fan of zodiac signs but she and I are both Aquarian. we have tendency of helping friends at any time. When I called last weekend she was at the market at 7 AM? If it was another woman I would have been pissed off knowing I am calling China and calling her at that time and she can't talk because she went out? Later in a letter she said she got some bargains. I had to ask what she bought? Just shows they don't talk or give information out freely. She and I talked of this and she did say if I ask she will answer? But why should I have to ask? I can only guess it's their way? They don't tell in-depth things in there life.
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my chinese student neighbor were talking a few months ago when I was still dating my wife. We were talkin about when a chinese man is dating a chinese lady how he will treat her nicely and buy her the occasional gift but points out that after the marriage, it all stops. I ran into him the other day and mentioned even chinese ladys do this too since it seems that now she's married, she doesnt need to worry about the courting stuff but it's a done deal and she's married for life. He coudn't help but start laughing histerically and agreed. It comes with a whole new set of frustrations.
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Martin and Ed, this may help you, now that you are married your wives think that you should already know this stuff ( even though you don't ) it's expected of her husband, you are supposed to know when she goes to her parents house or you are to know the answer to those questions, and yes Ed the ring is more of a bond to them then it is to western ( most ) women, You are not there right now to help her make these decisions and so she will not burden you with them and so doing not give you worry, guys, you will notice that when you are with her she will do things ( with out asking you ) that she thinks are good for your health, she will do little things like, take something off your plate and replace it with something esle that she thinks is better for you, Example: Zhou will make me breakfast of congee :icon_biggrin:, a lunch of veggie's :s , and at dinner she will use 1/2 pound of meat for 4 people, that is all the meat she says we need in one day, now you will notice that your lady seems to have stoped caring for the things that made a differance when you were dating, thats because now you are married she will not show you she loves you with big things now because they don't matter anymore, now she will show you with many small things, things that are importent to you and her life and to make your life as long as she can to insure that she will have a future with you, this is her way of letting you see how much she loves you.:blush:
Good luck guys with the wait.
Oh yeah, you think it's bad now, wait until she is here :icon_cheesygrin:, you won't be the boss in the house anymore, in the Chinese family, she runs the house, when you are out and about, please remember to treat her with respect at all times, because even if she does not agree with something you do, she will not say anything in public to make you loss face, but brother when you are behind closed doors at home you better believe you WILL hear about it and all this she will do because she is showing you she loves you.
Dang, I said to myself I was not going to rant and here I am doing it anyway, sorry guys.
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I'm taking notes, this tread is a goldmine of useful information, thanks guys.
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Anytime I can help Ronan:icon_biggrin:
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Yes this is a great thread. My Sisi has her k-1 interview on June 29th so this all very helpful information for me. The differences are sometimes hard to deal with or even understand. But I do know that family is sacred in China and it is the most important to them. When we were dating she was always very vague about her family. I mean i knew who they were and what they did but not too much more than that. Often I would ask more specific questions just so I could learn more about them but still would get a vague response. Finally I asked her about this. She told me until I am officially family it is not really any of my business. Once when we were having dinner together I was even asked to leave the room because they had some family business to discuss. When they finished she came and got me and told me everything is fine when I asked her about it. Then I read somewhere that her family is always going to take priority and it is something to just get used to. Now as time has passed she has opened up more about them because according to her parents I am now family. I have been acepted. So if something is wrong I will know about it. If something great happens I will know about it.
As for the showing of love they just go about it in a different way than we do. It took some time to get used to but I have. And to be honest I actually like it more. I am an affectionate man but I do not need a girl hanging all over me all kissy kissy to know how she feels. I like and prefer the small things she does for me. They come from the heart and show that she really cares.
This is new for all of us and I think we are enjoying the ride.
Anyone going to be in Zhuhai or Guangzhou during the beginning of July? I am going on the 26th so that I can be there for her interview and will be staying until July 8th when hopefully, fingers crossed, she will be coming to the US with me. This will be my 7th trip and to be honest I don't even mind the plane ride anymore. Ha!
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I wish I was going back to China to visit but to soon since the last time, but good luck and best wishes for a good interview and hope you get PINK.
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What to expect after Marriage ?
Great Love-Making ! I know you all thought about this , but were afraid to say it . :icon_cheesygrin:
This Woman , deserves everything possible ... to make and keep her happy and feeling Loved . I will bend and twist , but she will alway's straighten me back out .
:heart: + :heart: = goes a long way .
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This is a very good thread :icon_cheesygrin:
I noticed that my lady, soon wife, sometimes ask me about my opinion in different things. She even asked me about a thing with her parents. I gave her my thoughts but all I could say was just some different ways to think about this matter and my own opinion. I think that it will be more of asking about my opinion in the future. A lot of the decisions is made without asking me but in the big things she ask me
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What to expect after marriage?
====> a baby?
=====> two babies?
======>a honeymoon?
=======>the sexiest woman we have ever dreamed of?
:)
I don't know what to expect after marriage because in my personal case, I have never been married. No way to discuss against me, I am like the only one to decide on everything in my relations (when it must end or not)... and up to now, I've missed one marriage and I regret a part of it.. Because I had all to make that very wonderful.... but I ended to all of it... So, after many months, after asking me some questions and being father without being married but just separated from my daughter's mother, I just know that I won't marry until the lady I will marry wil be The Really Only One. I don't want to marry just for a few hours/weeks/months.
However, it is a "outro" from the initial topic ^^
As says Irish', that topic is very rich in informations, I'll take some notes :)
Thanks for it ;)
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"What to expect after marriage" or What DO you expect after marriage? There is a difference between the two. I was reminded talking with some guys yesterday and today of my last marriage and how what I thought it would be, was completely different then it was. At this point all I want is the two of us Happy.
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This is a really good thread, the only thing I expect after we're married is too have a happy, harmonious life together, and also have a beautiful wife by my side.
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Okay, this coming from one that is married, this is just what I have seen in my marriage yours may be different, not much has changed except, 1) she has become very pushy as far as my health, to be expected because she says she wants me around a very long time, 2) she has taken over all house hold spending, in otherwords, she runs the bank account, 3) she and I are on the same page as far as education and she is a teacher, no problems here, 4) okay lets get this out of the way, I have talked with other men with Chinese wives and we all agree, they run in cycles, after thier Moon time, about 2 to 3 days after you will likely never leave the bedroom for about a week then, it will slack off to 2 or 3 or 4 times a week for a week, then nothin, 5) she pushes me to be better then what I am at work, to provide a better life for our family, and by the way you thought she was thrifty before you married her, HA!, you aint seen sh*t yet, this is the only woman I have ever seen haggle with walmart and win, really, I couldn't belive my ears when the store manager told her okay to the price she wanted to spend, ( after about 20 minutes of haggling ), and as far as what goes on out side the home she will not say anything if she thinks I made the wrong choice but will wait until we are behind closed doors at home and not in front of our kids, she is typicaly what we Americans think of as respectful and demure outside the home but never forget, she has her own thoughts and you better treat her with respect or else, besides, you should both be treating each other with respect and the love will grow bigger then the two of you.
Look all I can say is, you got to live life for the two of you, not for every one around you, so enjoy, good luck and best wishes.
also don't forget that if you forget to treat her with respect she Will give you a mop slap. Hahahaha!!!
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that's awsome Michael. It's so much like when we were living out of her dorm. It was soooo much, all that. I couldnt scratch too long in one spot or she thought i was hurting myself. hehe. She is certainly the protector! If you have an itch that feels to good to scratch and she tries to stop you, have some fun and turn it into a wrestling match that turns intimiate. (wink). Gotta admit.... that's soooo fun.
I woulda loved to see the walmart deal. that must have been histerical. I suspect how she deals with finances has much to do with her financial goals. Typically I'd think most will save, budget and save some more. hehe. Gotta love a fiscally responsable mate.
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Thanks Michael :-/
I guess I know of what's is coming my way ... Now ! I was sooo worried about her adjusting here , I forgot to see ... all the adjusting I need to do :huh:
But as long it is done in the name of :heart: for each other , our Love will only grow more as we grow old together .
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Thanks Michael :-/But as long it is done in the name of :heart: for each other , our Love will only grow more as we grow old together .
That's how im looking at it. It's all good as long as we continue to show them WHY we wanted them in the first place.
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Arnold, also don't forget she will want and need to be around other Chinese people, don't isolate her, it will kill her spirit very fast.
Ed, you would have died laughing at walmart, him telling her that the price marked is the price she had to pay and her telling him that the object was made in China and she is Chinese and knows how much it coast to make and that price marked is to much and she should only be paying this much, I was laughing until he said okay, then my chin hurt from hitting the floor and the next thing I know I hear " sum bit*ch " from a guy standing there listening to her.
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Michael, I would have loved to seen that. This is very very informative, maybe I want to wait. lol
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JimB, don't wait, jump right in, the waters fine and a lot of learning, not to mention, FUN.
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Just a total of 50 more days being single. Every time i talk to her I know I want to be with her. She becomes more beautiful every day. She says her friends all say the same thing. Because she is in love she gets more beautiful. Of course i am a little hesitant. This is not just a big step to get married but to get married to someone from a totally different culture and background. Of course that is part of the attraction. She at 41 is part of the "older " generation and holds to all of the traditional values. That is one of the things I love about her. She wants my opinion about everything she does. I dont want that to change. i dont want her to be a total wimp and I do not think she will be. But, I want the traditional Chinese values. That is why I went there in the first place. I do not want that to change. I understand about the house. I agree with that. She can have it. That is her domain. This woman has told me and really means it I think. That when she gets here she will work, I can be retired. She will come home and fix our dinner then i will perform my "husbandly duties". She will be happy with that. Guys how many of us have dreamed about that. She has told me that in no uncertain terms. No laughing , no joking she means it. At least I think she does. At least i hope she does. She is a Surgical Physicians Assistant. (She is the one who hands the Dr. his instruments during surgery) Here she can make at least a 6 figure salary. Especially here in the Southeast where there are a lot of shortages of them. I guess i will have to live it to see.
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JimB, my Lao Po is 43 years old so I know what you are saying, and brother, you better belive what she is saying is what she means, she will prolly have to pass a few tests in order to continue with her career, and Zhou has been here for a little over 5 years and has not changed her values, yes she has adjusted to the States but did not compromise hervalues, its wonderful, good luck brother and enjoy what she wants to give :icon_biggrin:
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Arnold, also don't forget she will want and need to be around other Chinese people, don't isolate her, it will kill her spirit very fast.
Thanks Michael , I remember what it's like to come to a new Country . I have done it when I was 16 , to come to New York on my own . But I did have an Aunt , who spoke German .. so not too bad . So Qing knows English pretty well , and I have many places with Chinese People around and very nice Neighbor's . That will Love her like they did my late Wife . I certainly will do everything in my power to make her comfortable here . Life does not give you that many chances , to come up with a beautiful Wife like this everyday . You know , because you been living it and other's have too .
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Arnold you are so right, ya know there are times when I am holding her in my arms and we are watching TV and she will fall asleep that I forget to watch the show because I am so into watching her sleep and wondering Why did the Almighty show her to me and then let us be as one, she is the most single important person in my life, before I met Zhou I used to take chances at work that I would never even consider doing now.
I think its plain to see I love her and am in love with her, and I hope you will all feel this same feeling with and for your ladies soon.
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Michael, I think you have hit upon the very essence of why we seek a mate in these lovely ladies... so that we can be amazed that we have ever found someone so wonderful and beautiful to to love, and to love us. Some day, I hope to join that legion of men.
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Sharing " TRUE LOVE " , there is nothing on this Earth that can come even close to it . It really makes you want to LIVE for only this ONE Person , that Loves you back equally . Believe me , there are many day's I ask myself , WHY did I deserve that ? It does make you feel special for sure .
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Mike, your right, He gives and He can take it all away, by the way how ya doing, haven't heard from you in a few days.
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Mike, I am sorry to hear about the job thing and I wish you well in the hunt for a new one, I hope your parents were as easy to tell as mine were, my Mom is 75 years old and belives that if a country is communist country then it is all bad, even the people Haha, She decided differantly after she seen and talked with Zhou, especially after Zhou and I went over to Moms house and Zhou performed a tea ceramony in honor of her Mom was very pleased ( after I explained what it meant ) :icon_biggrin:
I am also happy to hear that they will welcome your lady into the family.
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Mike also glad to hear that it went well with your Folks , learning of your Plans for the Future .
Hope you will have success soon finding another Job , that you really like . I will have you in my Prayer's .
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I keep telling myself .... it is for the best ... and there is something else planned which is BETTER !!! :)
There is alway a better plan with God. Keep it in your prayers. I'm glad things went well with your parents. Welcome back. I will keep you in my prayers with all you have on your plate.
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i have found that it is absolutley the most rewarding experience
one could have. i am fortunate as i live in China with my wife and
would not trade it in for anything. yes sometimes we have the
culture difference problem that doesnt last but 5 minutes but
we learn from each other with me doing more of the learning as
i live here. but it very rewarding to me to live and learn here as i
am doing. now if i could just get a grasp on the mandarin learning
i would be absolutely over joyed as that is my problem now. i always
tell my wife it is going to take me 20 years to learn and she laughs
and says it will just all come together one day when you wake up
still waiting for that in Guangzhou
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This is an excellent thread, and will be helpful for me someday when I get to where you guys are.
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jeff it will come faster than you think
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For a sucessful marrage beware the following...
1. Don't mess with her when she is cooking, don't add stuff...
2. Don't leave your skid marked shorts laying around the bedroom for her to pick up.
3. Don't flush the toilet while she is in the shower.
4. most important of all...put the toilet seat down after!
5. Don't "blow off" in bed
Just some thoughts, but all kidding aside, the best wishes to the both of you for a long and happy marrage.
I've been married before so I am well trained....ha
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Well if I do not let off wind first then she probably will. What gets me going is that when we are in bed she will quietly let one go - then spit in the air and wait for my reaction when I dive my head under the covers to miss the spit!!!! Only joking Darling:angel:
Willy
Willy, I must say,..."You do have the gift"! You're a hoot. I enjoy your posts and stories.
Don
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This is from a western guy blogging about his marriage.
We have been looking to purchase a new car recently.
The car is for Ms B, who currently drives a car that has given us many problems.
My focus has been to find a model of car which is both stylish and safe. We have a 7 year old child after all so safety is a priority.
Ms B however is more interested in a status symbol. She has argued that many of her friends drive a Benz, so why shouldn't she.
We visited a dealership that had one car that I was ineterested in, and one that Ms B was interested in.
My choice was a modestly priced but stylish looking car with ample safety features, including full curtain air-bags.
Ms B however insisted on a very expensive and luxurious sports car, which I believe was not appropriate for a family of four.
The salesperson was of Chinese heritage, and he would obviously have made more commission if he sold us the sportscar.
Well, sensing the tension between Ms B and myself over what style of car we should purchase, he began addressing my concerns over safety.
He said the following to me:
"We Chinese believe in fate. If you are destined to get hurt or killed in a car accident, then you cannot avoid this. This is your fate. Whatever car you choose will not change your fate, so why not choose the luxurious car and enjoy life." :icon_cheesygrin:
Ms B immediately latched on to this comment and pushed for us to purchase the luxurious car there and then.
I told them both that I did not accept that line of thinking, and would not put my family in a car that was designed for speed. In particular I would not agree to placing our son in a car that was designed primarily for two people, with compromised back seating.
Ms B was very upset with me.
This belief in fate, which I am sure provides some form of relief for people who have experienced tragedy in their lives, was really not an appropriate way to view the purchase of an sportscar. In my way of thinking it was merely an excuse to be reckless in one's decision making.
Anyway, we ended up buying the modest model car, despite fierce resistance from Ms B and her mother. They even co-opted my son to argue for the sportscar.
However I felt it was sensible under the circumstances to purchase a family car, not a sports car, and I purchased a few extra safety features to boot.
To appease Ms B I also purchased some luxury additions for the car, including in-built GPS, in-built phone, window tinting, better stereo system, nicer wheels and a special paint job. In fact I was happy to purchase whatever luxurious features Ms B wanted, as long as the safety of the vehicle was not compromised.
Now to be fair, the car actually looks great, and could even pass for a very expensive label car.
But Ms B is still upset with me. You see she wanted to tell people that she owns a Mercedes Benz. It was not the car so much that she wanted but what it represented.
This emphasis on "labels" dogs us time and again. Both Ms B and her mother have an unrelenting desire to telegraph their status to the world by purchasing products that are for the most part no different than cheaper versions, but for their label.
It seems that even a pair of shoes cannot escape this kind of scrutiny.
Anyway after about a week of getting the silent treatment from Ms B, I sat her down last night and told her that it was her destiny to get a smart looking, stylish family car, and no amount of sulking will change this.
Hopefully we can leave this chapter behind now and move on with more important things in life.
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wow thats an interesting dilema that i wouldnt want to be in
glad my wife isnt like that
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This is from a western guy blogging about his marriage.
I find that a lot in the bigger, more "advanced" cities. Keeping up with the Joneses. Too much of this designer-branding women here in Singapore, and also in Beijing, Shanghai etc. The smart ones will just go buy one of the ubiquitous ripoffs which China is famous for. I suppose they don't yet make Benzes? If that were me, I would have just bought her the Benz LOGO with the tristar in a circle & stuck that on the car, hahaha.... and if she sulks, well she can GO SPEND HER HARD EARNED money to buy herself one. Good luck with that. Women are very good at spending OUR money.
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sounds like he probably puts up with a lot from her and mom:-/
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This thread is an interesting and eye opening read so far. Thanks guys, even though I am light years away from it being relevant to my life, lol.
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Wow, your scareing me, it sounds like she is westernized to the max. How can he afford her I wonder, and to live with the
mother-in-law also? My heart goes out to him...
But where are they driving? if its in the US, then the air bags are a must, unless he bought a sububan tank, that was dent proof. Got
to think of the child she will be carrying in that car. Almost sounds like his really henpecked by both mom and wife and now kid.
And look at all the extra's he had to buy just to make them happy and she still gives him the cold shoulder...Be scared, very scared...
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This is exactly what to expect if your fool enough to marry a ''Chinese Princess''
She didn't suddenly become like this, so he knew what he was letting himself in for, long before getting married and having a family with her!!
So be warned you Guy's, if your lady is of the younger variety and has that tendency of self first, self second, and self third (and anything else that's going) Run like hell, because your never going to have a decent bank balance ever again... hahaha!!!
David.....
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What bank balance ? He's headed straight for the poor house...:icon_cheesygrin:
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Exactly, .....and Beyond!!!...lol!!
David.....
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i would say didnt he see this before he was stupid enough to marry her:huh:
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Perhaps it was one of those OOP's things and nine month's later.....:icon_eek:
But you can ask Willy about that....:icon_cheesygrin:
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even at an oops it would be cheaper not to marry her and just
support the child. looks like he now has wife.mom.son to support
we have been known to do stupid things were this is concerned