China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Newbies Corner => Topic started by: trwme on February 10, 2010, 10:57:19 pm
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Hi guys,
I'm getting ready to jump into the EMF pool. I just bought my first (4) credits. I had intended to use one to contact a lady who asked for my private email and who says she speaks good english, and use the rest on a woman I had sent a cupid to. However, this evening I received an admiration note from a lady who I had added to my favorites, and whose profile I bookmarked, as I liked it very much (plus she's REALLY cute too, lol). Her admiration note seemed less form letter, and more directed at me than the rest of the responses I have received so far. I like the spirit I feel from it. So I think I am going to switch and use my credits to write to her, rather than splitting them betwen the other two.
What I'd like to ask your advice on is a few main things, and please bear with me as I know some of this stuff is covered elsewhere here-I just want to get it in one place so I don't have to jump around looking for it as I write her to begin things.
First, I read where some of you include a note to the translator. What is your advice on what to say to this person, and should it come at the beginning of the EMF? I intend to send my private email addy to this girl. I'd like to know that she gets it, even if she does not wish to write privately right off the bat.
Second, what are things to avoid in the first EMF? By this I mean, what kind of things might a westerner say that she might find offensive? A little cultural insight here is what I am asking for.
Thanks in advance for supplying any insights you may share on this. It will be greatly appreciated.
Roy.
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Hi guys,
I'm getting ready to jump into the EMF pool. I just bought my first (4) credits. I had intended to use one to contact a lady who asked for my private email and who says she speaks good english, and use the rest on a woman I had sent a cupid to. However, this evening I received an admiration note from a lady who I had added to my favorites, and whose profile I bookmarked, as I liked it very much (plus she's REALLY cute too, lol). Her admiration note seemed less form letter, and more directed at me than the rest of the responses I have received so far. I like the spirit I feel from it. So I think I am going to switch and use my credits to write to her, rather than splitting them betwen the other two.
What I'd like to ask your advice on is a few main things, and please bear with me as I know some of this stuff is covered elsewhere here-I just want to get it in one place so I don't have to jump around looking for it as I write her to begin things.
First, I read where some of you include a note to the translator. What is your advice on what to say to this person, and should it come at the beginning of the EMF? I intend to send my private email addy to this girl. I'd like to know that she gets it, even if she does not wish to write privately right off the bat.
Second, what are things to avoid in the first EMF? By this I mean, what kind of things might a westerner say that she might find offensive? A little cultural insight here is what I am asking for.
Thanks in advance for supplying any insights you may share on this. It will be greatly appreciated.
Roy.
So far they ALWAYS say they appreciate getting your addy, BUT they would like to EMF first til they get comfy. Who do you think is writing this??? I have my doubts... hey it's the last great commie state after all !
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Good Luck bro go after it. I usually leave my notes to the translator at the end but I think that is just a matter of preference. You can tell the translator anything you would like to relay to the girl you are contacting. I used it to set up phone conversations through the service so she had a translator, set up web cam chats, and to get a girls personal e-mail. I also used it to get addresses so I can send flowers and other gifts. If you send your personal information at the beginning the girl your contacting may not receive it since this would cut down on that agencies EMF revenue.
In my opinion a lot of the girls are there to learn more about western culture, that being said I would say stay away from anything any western girl would find offensive. Some of the girls but not all are traditional girls, shy and conservative. So I always start off a new friendship by introducing myself, and my interests and hobbies. I would ask about things in her profile and ask questions. I think the key to getting to know more about her are many questions about her and her culture.
Hope this helps a bit.
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Trwme What happened to the lady that you were writing to? The one where you didn't have to pay for EMf.Do you have kid in a candy store syndrome?( To many pretty things to choose from)
You know what the Chinese say.Man who chases to many rabbits.Ends up with no Rabbits at all.
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Maxx I agree with the rabbit analogy, but just because it is the first one doesn't mean it is the right one. The feeling/chemistry need to be there and will only be discovered when two meet face to face. I have chased a lot of rabbits and caught one last year that I thought was the one and got burned. I won't be as nieve this time, and the new ones can easily be sweet talked into it like I was last summer. Personally I like to use the old saying that Reagan used when asked about dealing with the soviets "Trust but verify" lol.
trwme - I put the note right on the letter. I found it is good to get the translator to like you. I always thank her for the work she is doing for the lady and myself and tell her she does very good work. I then kindly ask her name, and sometimes I will ask where she went to school as her English is very good. Get her on your side. I have several friends all over China that are/were translators from the agencies. I still keep in touch with them. If they like you it makes it a little more difficult to scam you and will tell you if you are wasting your time with one of their phantom girls. So I try to keep a side dialogue with the translator in every letter plus it can increase your chances of her allowing you to go to qq or email a girl. There can be other benefits as well. She will have friends that she will want to introduce you to. If you visit an agency you will see they are largely girls in their 20's and very sweet, so work that to your advantage. Get them to like you.
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if your writing 1 lady why would you want the translator to introduce
you to her freinds? i think this will lead to you getting scammed by the
agency because they will think your not serious. believe what you may
but there is a good portion of chinese ladies who are suspect of western
men because of this. they think we are looking for a ***** or *** because
of hearsay from other ladies on what some have done. remember there is an
interest in western culture but we are certainly not thought of as their saviour
out of the country some are just as happy to stay there single if they have to
just my 2 cents worth on this. i see and hear so much crap here i think i am
back in california again on a smaller scale
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Trwme What happened to the lady that you were writing to? The one where you didn't have to pay for EMf.Do you have kid in a candy store syndrome?( To many pretty things to choose from)
You know what the Chinese say.Man who chases to many rabbits.Ends up with no Rabbits at all.
Hi Maxx,
Liang and I are still writing, although that has slowed down since last weekend. She says she is busy with the spring festival, and that her translator is on vacation during the festival. I've gotten two emails from her since saturday, whereas previously it had been one or two a day. This girl I mentioned writing to in my op is from the same city as Liang, Changsha; when I eventually make the trip to China to meet someone, I'd like to have two or maybe three to meet, just in case. From what I have read here so far, it seems like that may be a better strategy, since some of the guys have said once they got there the girl they went to meet avoided them, sometimes completely. I think I am going to concentrate on Changsha, so that IF the lady I go to meet doesn't work out, I don't have to run all over China trying to meet others.
As far as chasing rabbits, I am not necessarily chasing. I am laying very still and talking softly, in hopes the rabbits will gather around and perhaps one may take a liking to me :~) Liang and I are still getting to know about each other, and I have been upfront about some issues in my life she should know about before she invests her heart and emotions in me. I've also asked if she is writing any other men, a question which she has not answered, so I am assuming she probably is.
I am going to be very selective in who I write to. And I am not going to try to write to numerous ladies at once; right now my 6 year old daughter is living with me, I am going through a huge, expensive (and now getting very ugly) custody battle with her mom to keep it that way, so I don't have time to write 10 women at once, even if I was inclined to do so. Two or perhaps three is going to be my limit.
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if your writing 1 lady why would you want the translator to introduce
you to her freinds? i think this will lead to you getting scammed by the
agency because they will think your not serious. believe what you may
but there is a good portion of chinese ladies who are suspect of western
men because of this. they think we are looking for a ***** or *** because
of hearsay from other ladies on what some have done. remember there is an
interest in western culture but we are certainly not thought of as their saviour
out of the country some are just as happy to stay there single if they have to
just my 2 cents worth on this. i see and hear so much crap here i think i am
back in california again on a smaller scale
ted you misunderstood. i was making the assumption that he was moving on. i am not an advocate for doing what you stated. having said that ALL chinese ladies are lilly white. my ex burnt me and didn't think anything about it, so i guess what i'm trying to say is trust but verify.
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Ok, then tell me this; is it better to write to a lady who responded favorably to a cupid note? Is that a better gauge of who is really interested? Or does the agency monkey with that too?
I haven't contacted anyone but the one lady (the one I am talking to privately) so far, so I am waiting until I get enough input from my new friends here :~)
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Jeff i didnt mean thats what you were advising just that i was saying be careful becuase
they might pick up that you want to play and not be serious and then they will take advantage
of that and burn you. but yes meeting is important but after 6 months or so you pretty much
have made up each others mind if you have been talking on messenger and using web cam
for a few hours each day. thats what my wife and i did 2 hours my morning and 2 hours her
morning so when i went there we new what we wanted. but she spoke english so are talks
were i guess better than those who have women who dont speak english as we didnt have
any confusion when we chatted. im just not a big advocate of these emf only as the agencies
seem to take advantage of that. i believe they use the language as an excuse to get more money
from you. if you get together you must deal with it anyway so why not sooner than later. i have never
met a chinese lady who didnt speak very good english, but was interested in you,who didnt want to
communicate with you. i still think its the agencies fluff to make more money. and they are advising
her so who knows what they tell the lady to keep it this way.
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i misunderstood sorry ted
i agree with the rest you said. web cam can bridge the gap for sure.
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Do you have kid in a candy store syndrome?( To many pretty things to choose from)
Maxx, I progressed past the kid in the candy store stage the first day, right into 'drunken sailor during mardi gras at a bar where free drinks were being served', lol. In other words, I was extremely intoxicated. Unfortunately for me, I was born in the middle of the U.S.; I say unfortunate, because I have ALWAYS had a raging thing for asian women/looks. At age 50, I am finally acting on it. Here in middle america, there are few opportunites for it.
Luckily for me, my financial situation prevented me from buying a gazillion credits and trying to contact every woman at chnlove. I finally sobered up.
Thanks to some of the advice I got on this thread, what I've ended up doing was this. I sent one EMF to a lady who had given me a positive reply to a cupid note I sent her. Honestly, she is the one I have had my eye on all along. I don't plan to contact anyone else at this time. I'm awaiting her response to the EMF I sent her. Since their big holiday is on right now, I figure it may be a bit before I hear from her.
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Roy,
with the holiday now here in China you might see that the wait for a reply
might be 7 to 14 days depending on what the lady has going on. so i would
not get to discouraged if it takes a little while
Ted
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Roy,
with the holiday now here in China you might see that the wait for a reply
might be 7 to 14 days depending on what the lady has going on. so i would
not get to discouraged if it takes a little while
Ted
Thanks for the heads up on that Ted. I'll try to relax a bit, lol. With what has been said here about the admiration emails, I decided the cupid reply might be a more legitimate contact. And besides, like I said, this is the one I've had my eye on the whole time above the rest. She's the one whose profile I kept going back to over and over. I even have her photo as the wallpaper on my desktop:blush:. So, I'll try to employ that old addage about good things coming to those who wait :~) In the meantime I'm going to get myself better situated to woo her.
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You know, before you got in touch with her you had her picture as your wallpaper? In some places, that'd be considered stalking. :icon_cheesygrin:
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You know, before you got in touch with her you had her picture as your wallpaper? In some places, that'd be considered stalking. :icon_cheesygrin:
1. Don't worry about it, if she does not write right away, you have things to do, so do them and wait till your computer says you got mail. Old
american saying is "a watched pot never boils" I think you can apply that in this case. I have a friend that has not written for a week, and she always writes right away, however with spring vacation, I know she will
when she gets the chance. I on the other hand, am working at other
things that need fixing or repair, and although she is on my mind, I know that I need to get things done, instead of watching the computer screen.
2. It's only considered stalking if her picture is hung on the bathroom wall...:icon_cheesygrin:
3. I like scottish Robs method, and will apply it this summer/fall. That is to go there and let one find you in person. No emf's, translators, or agency's to deal with. It's much better to meet one like that, then picking from a bunch of airbrushed pictures. I've gone the route now and I can tell you for my part it's useless, at least it was for me. So like Rob, if you want one...go and get the real thing. Besides it will be a nice
vacation.
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You know, before you got in touch with her you had her picture as your wallpaper? In some places, that'd be considered stalking. :icon_cheesygrin:
Well, technically, I have been in touch with her before I put her pic on my puter...sent her a cupid and she responded, lol. Anyway, just something about her smile....I'll leave it at that until we see how it goes.
You know, before you got in touch with her you had her picture as your wallpaper? In some places, that'd be considered stalking. :icon_cheesygrin:
1. Don't worry about it, if she does not write right away, you have things to do, so do them and wait till your computer says you got mail. Old
american saying is "a watched pot never boils" I think you can apply that in this case. I have a friend that has not written for a week, and she always writes right away, however with spring vacation, I know she will
when she gets the chance. I on the other hand, am working at other
things that need fixing or repair, and although she is on my mind, I know that I need to get things done, instead of watching the computer screen.
2. It's only considered stalking if her picture is hung on the bathroom wall...:icon_cheesygrin:
3. I like scottish Robs method, and will apply it this summer/fall. That is to go there and let one find you in person. No emf's, translators, or agency's to deal with. It's much better to meet one like that, then picking from a bunch of airbrushed pictures. I've gone the route now and I can tell you for my part it's useless, at least it was for me. So like Rob, if you want one...go and get the real thing. Besides it will be a nice
vacation.
Hi Rocky, thanks for you advice. I can use all I can get from those with experience.
1. Yeah, guess I'll have no choice but to wait, since I picked the busiest time of the year for them to contact her, lol. Probably a good thing since I do need to do a couple of things to get positioned...just in case.
2. Naw, she ain't entered my fantasy life...
3. I'll keep that in mind. We will see how it goes, there is a long road ahead of me before I get TOO excited about anyone. Right now I am just in learning mode...about the culture there, and her. I really liked her profile though, and what she said in her cupid response to me. Of course....how much is her and how much is the translator...maybe I should try to meet the translator? lol. We'll see how it goes, what she brings out in me, and what I bring out in her. It may last a week, or forever, no telling at this point. I've always wanted to visit China anyway, this'll be a good excuse. Maybe if I am lucky, she will be a good excuse to go to China.:icon_biggrin: And there's also my original contact there, who I've had a private email convo going with for a bit now.
Believe me, before I go I'll be asking Rob (and others) for a few pointers and advice. I'm looking at least a year before that can or will happen though. I'm a big believer in things working themselves out as they should be. Lord knows I am not going there because I am desparate or can't find someone here. I am just sick and tired of western women and I want to explore some new horizons.
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Rocky,
the walking around dumfounded and looking like a lost puppy worked well
for Rob and will work well for anyone as a good chinese lady has that good
nurturing in her heart and she will want to care for you :icon_cheesygrin:
Trme,
be careful the translator might be a chinese man writing :icon_cheesygrin:
so meeting him would be fruitful hahahaha
Trme,
having her as wallpaper must mean she really has you smitten already so
be careful as she will have you married on the first trip there.:-/
hope it all works out well for you
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Trme,
be careful the translator might be a chinese man writing :icon_cheesygrin:
so meeting him would be fruitful hahahaha
8~0....man there is a lot of ways to go with that one! The thought did cross my mind tho....
Trme,
having her as wallpaper must mean she really has you smitten already so be careful as she will have you married on the first trip there. hope it all works out well for you
Well...once smitten twice shy? lol. I guess I have to plead guilty to that to a point. But I am also a realist who has met several (and even already married once) women online. I guess we'll see if I feel smitten or bitten once the convo gets going good....
The probability is she'll run away screaming once I fill her in on my past, and I am brutally honest about my past-and boy, I have a past. If she makes her way past my past, we might have a future:icon_cheesygrin:
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trwme,
I fail to see why you have to bring up your past at all!! ...Different if you haven't learnt life's lessons and consider yourself to be the same as you were then.... But i very much doubt that!!!
If you have a bad past, don't now let that past have any control or influence on your future. The past is exactly that...''it's in the past''.
So let the person you are now, shine through and let others judge you on the present and the future....
If later your wife/lady wants to know anything about your past, then tell them, but there's still no need to go into the fine details, what purpose would it serve?? ...Absolutely none at all. Stay in the present and plan for the future, life's lessons have been learned from the past, so there's no need to go revisiting!!!
David.......
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As usual David is absolutely right. I agree with him.
Jim
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Oh but David, his past may be worth quite a bundle ! I heard Jim Cameron bought the rights and is planning to make a blockbuster called "The Past & The Spurious" :icon_cool: It's about a regular nice guy who takes on an alien persona and infiltrates a totally alien culture and give the women a helluva time. Who knows maybe Brangelina may even do a cameo.
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trwme,
I fail to see why you have to bring up your past at all!! ...Different if you haven't learnt life's lessons and consider yourself to be the same as you were then.... But i very much doubt that!!!
If you have a bad past, don't now let that past have any control or influence on your future. The past is exactly that...''it's in the past''.
So let the person you are now, shine through and let others judge you on the present and the future....
If later your wife/lady wants to know anything about your past, then tell them, but there's still no need to go into the fine details, what purpose would it serve?? ...Absolutely none at all. Stay in the present and plan for the future, life's lessons have been learned from the past, so there's no need to go revisiting!!!
David.......
Hi David, thanks for your advice, and it is something I've considered. And I realize the merits of what you are saying here. But now, I am going to show a different side of myself, and go all spiritual on ya ;~)
The past is what has shaped us to be what we are now. To me you can't understand who you are, or who someone else is, until you understand your/their past and how it's shaped them. I want someone who understands me. I want to understand them. You can't come to an intimacy of spirit without it, imho. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe the women in China look at this differently, and that's why I am putting this stuff out here to you guys, who know the lay of the land a lot better than I do over there in that culture.
There are certain things that a person should know, imho. For example, what about someone who has been married multiple times? Shouldn't you share that? Or should you act like they are the first one you ever fell for? As a hypothetical based on that, if you are going to ask someone to move thousands of miles away from the support system they have grown up in, to a place where they know no one and have no support system of friends and family, isn't it the honest thing to do to in giving them the relevant information, rather than telling them after the fact? Eventually they will find everything out anyway. Shouldn't they know those things before they come and are isolated by language and cultural barriers, and the thousands of miles between them and their family/friends support system? What do you think that would do to a person's emotions towards you, and the way they think about you, if after settling in to a life with you far from what they've ever known-and believe me, that's a HUGE adjustment-they find out you were keeping things from them they would have liked to have known about before making such a life altering decision?
I'm not going to give every little dirty detail. But I've had tons of women in my life-tons. I am sensitive to the fact that for some women, that may be a huge red flag they deserve to know before investing their hearts and emotions in me. If they know that up front, they won't feel betrayed when(if) they are here and someone lets the cat out of the bag. And that cat WILL come clawing out of the bag. I want to do the right thing from the beginning, so there is no mess to clean up later. I am not at this to serve myself, or just find something for myself. It's about them moreso than about me-because in the end, I will still be in the familiar place I've grown up in, with the friends I've aquired who know me.
Just something I am wrestling with right now, and since it's out there, I'll welcome everyone's input.
Oh but David, his past may be worth quite a bundle ! I heard Jim Cameron bought the rights and is planning to make a blockbuster called "The Past & The Spurious" :icon_cool: It's about a regular nice guy who takes on an alien persona and infiltrates a totally alien culture and give the women a helluva time. Who knows maybe Brangelina may even do a cameo.
lol...careful bro...that assassination squad has yer house staked out and are awaiting instructions on how to proceed....;~P
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trwme,
Your past has a lot to do with shaping what you are today, Yes!! But it is who you are today that really matters, not what you WERE and not the past!! If your going to cloud who you are NOW, by bringing up the past, what does that make you?? I can tell you something now, the Chinese women will have serious doubts about getting involved with you, if your intent in bringing up the past, especially if you want to go into detail about numerous marriages.... They want to know that this will be their Last marriage,
As you say those lessons from the past have been learnt, some the hard way, and others no so hard. No-ones saying to hide your past, just don't make a song and dance thing about it. You don't have to go into detail, that's for sure.
You say that she will be among your friends when/if she comes to the States, ...Are you saying that your friends are going to start telling her all about your maybe sordid past with other women ?? If you are ...change your friends, because i certainly wouldn't call such people ''my friends''
If you want to do the right thing from the beginning, ...Really, ...be who you are Now, you don't have to lie about anything, but you don't have to paint her a Technicolour picture either!!
Totally up to you what you decide to tell her, but Think Hard before you bring up your past, it COULD or WILL have an an Effect on her about, your sincerity towards her and your future together....
David.....
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trwme,
Your past has a lot to do with shaping what you are today, Yes!! But it is who you are today that really matters, not what you WERE and not the past!! If your going to cloud who you are NOW, by bringing up the past, what does that make you?? I can tell you something now, the Chinese women will have serious doubts about getting involved with you, if your intent in bringing up the past, especially if you want to go into detail about numerous marriages.... They want to know that this will be their Last marriage,
As you say those lessons from the past have been learnt, some the hard way, and others no so hard. No-ones saying to hide your past, just don't make a song and dance thing about it. You don't have to go into detail, that's for sure.
You say that she will be among your friends when/if she comes to the States, ...Are you saying that your friends are going to start telling her all about your maybe sordid past with other women ?? If you are ...change your friends, because i certainly wouldn't call such people ''my friends''
If you want to do the right thing from the beginning, ...Really, ...be who you are Now, you don't have to lie about anything, but you don't have to paint her a Technicolour picture either!!
Totally up to you what you decide to tell her, but Think Hard before you bring up your past, it COULD or WILL have an an Effect on her about, your sincerity towards her and your future together....
David.....
Thanks again David, you make valid points and I agree with you. I don't plan to go on and on about the past, that'd be living in it. Just some broad brush strokes, and then move on once she has asked any questions she might have. Whoever the 'she' may be in the end. I don't think my friends are going to talk about the sordid aspects, I just figure they will say something along the lines of, 'he's a good guy who's had a lot of bad women in his life, you better treat him good', lol. People can say things, meaning well, that can be taken in the wrong way by someone dealing with the insecurities any woman faces who moves to this country so far away from everything and everyone she has ever known. Add in language difficulties, and it could get confusing for her. I am just trying to consider in advance the woman's needs and feelings, and be sure I do right by her and serve her needs and protect her feelings.
Thanks again for your counsel and advice! I greatly appreciate you taking the time to offer it.
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David is right. Do not make to much of it. My experience is that your future wife is mostly interested in if and how much contact you have to your earlier relations. I told my wife that I have been married twice before. But I did not tell details. My wife asks me if she has questions concerning my last ex. Then I answer her and that is it.
As you say, we are results of our experience. Most of the ladies are aware of this too. I think most people are interested in, who you are today. If your future wife is interested in why you are as you are she will ask you, I am pretty sure.
You mentioned that your lady responded a little slow in the last days. Well, spring festival is the biggest festival in China. All people are very busy. Everything should be back to normal again when the holidays are over. If you have the right feeling with her, stay with her.
Happy (Chinese) new year :icon_biggrin:
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David is right. Do not make to much of it. My experience is that your future wife is mostly interested in if and how much contact you have to your earlier relations. I told my wife that I have been married twice before. But I did not tell details. My wife asks me if she has questions concerning my last ex. Then I answer her and that is it.
As you say, we are results of our experience. Most of the ladies are aware of this too. I think most people are interested in, who you are today. If your future wife is interested in why you are as you are she will ask you, I am pretty sure.
You mentioned that your lady responded a little slow in the last days. Well, spring festival is the biggest festival in China. All people are very busy. Everything should be back to normal again when the holidays are over. If you have the right feeling with her, stay with her.
Happy (Chinese) new year :icon_biggrin:
Thanks Hajo. As I told David, I appreciate you guys taking to time to write and offer your advice to me. I'm starting to understand why some of you refer to yourselves as a 'brotherhood'. I'd be a fool not to take advantage of the experience and insights offered by those who have been there and understand these ladies far more than I do right now.
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trwme,
I fail to see why you have to bring up your past at all!!
If you have a bad past, don't now let that past have any control or influence on your future.
If later your wife/lady wants to know anything about your past, then tell them, but there's still no need to go into the fine details,
David.......
David
You know how much I admire your informative responses to things the brothers ask.....HOWEVER, on this point I have to disagree with you (sorry lol)
Within the first 4 emf's I send or recieve I find that the lady usually mentions she had a 'Bad Marriage' and ask's me 'Why' I got divorced, although there are others who don't want to talk about it. This is a 'Good Way' to give and recieve more detailed relavent information about you/them. By knowing and hearing this information will help shape the relationship that you have with the lady, well that's my opinion for what it's worth...
Rocky,
the walking around dumfounded and looking like a lost puppy worked well
for Rob and will work well for anyone as a good chinese lady has that good
nurturing in her heart and she will want to care for you :icon_cheesygrin:
Precisely Ted, what worked for me, may not work for others.
This may sound stupid but there is a relavent point in what I am about to say, so guys don't jump down my throat...lol
This is WERE my lack of stature (HEIGHT) came into place.. Someone my size looking dumfounded, compare that to someone over 6 feet tall, there is no fear with my size, whereas a taller person can omit 'fear'...
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Rob,
I didn't say ''Not'' tell them anything about your past, i was saying that you don't need to go give a technicolour picture. I haven't told Lucy ALL about my past life, as i'm sure she hasn't told me all about her past. I know the basics, and that's all i need to know, and to be honest, ..want to know!!
What i took trwme was saying, was that he was going to tell All about his past, and maybe that would have included multiple marriages. What possible gain would come from volunteering that sort of detail to a possible future wife, especially to a Chinese lady?? That's a big difference from explaining away a single divorce, as in your case, ...especially if you happen to be the innocent victim in that divorce!!
Stuff from anyone's past, especially anything that's not particularly credit worthy is best left well and truly in the past. Far more important is what sort of person you are now, and will be in the future. In general when your young, is the time when you tend to make the big mistakes in your life, ...It's the learning curve period of life if you like, if your smart, you try not to make the same mistake twice. (but some will do exactly that) That part of your life will (or Should) have no resemblance to how and what your like Now. It would have shaped us in many ways, and would have taught us many lessons, but the past should be left in the past!!
David.....
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Hajo? How are you? Hows married life? Been a long time since we saw you here.
For the others, I never give info on my past. Oh I'll tell them I'm divorced and things like that but to go into detail? A big NO! NO! First, they don't want to hear it. They may seem interested but they are gathering ammo for another time.
I found chinese women don't care to hear or say it anyway. No details. It's just like going for a new job. If you say in an interview the old boss was a idiot he didn't know.... whatever, the chance of getting that new job dropped to 0. They figure you'll talk about them just the same.
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Well, this is my thinking. Whoever I end up with (IF that happens) will inevitably find out how many times I've been married. For one thing, when you start the immigration process you have to give them (the immigration agencies) that information, along with original copies of the divorce decrees, and all the relevant info. If I remember right, the lady will need copies of those documents to send in with hers. I suppose I could go around telling everyone here to lie about it, and never mention it. I'm not big on lying though. And I don't think I could keep that a secret forever. I think I'd rather try to get that out of the way on the front end, but with as much finesses as possible. David makes some good points though. Here in the west multiple marriages/divorces is not as big a deal, but I can tell the chinese are a lot more conservative about this, and good for them.
Now, I did tell Liang (the lady who gave me her private email addy in her admiration letter that I've been writing to) how many times I've been married, and she did ask me some questions-but as was noted here by others, she was more concerned, it seems, about the last one, and whether that was truly over. Almost all of her questions were in regards to the last one. I think it helps that the last one moved 1,600 miles away back to her native Canada. Liang understood that there was no way to maintain a relationship at that distance.
But see, there is a plus side to all of this. I raised my two sons by myself, and I am raising my daughter by myself currently. I think that shows Liang (and should show any other lady I contact) that I am responsible and committed to my family. I can't share those positive details without exposing the negative ones. I can tell it is something Liang likes about me.
Hajo? How are you? Hows married life? Been a long time since we saw you here.
For the others, I never give info on my past. Oh I'll tell them I'm divorced and things like that but to go into detail? A big NO! NO! First, they don't want to hear it. They may seem interested but they are gathering ammo for another time.
I found chinese women don't care to hear or say it anyway. No details. It's just like going for a new job. If you say in an interview the old boss was a idiot he didn't know.... whatever, the chance of getting that new job dropped to 0. They figure you'll talk about them just the same.
I see what you are saying, Vince. Let me make clear I am NOT going into the gory details, unless asked to. I simply say, 'I've been married X amount of times'. If they ask questions, I'll only give details to the extent needed to answer the questions. I don't put all the blame on the woman; for example, my second divorce I take all the blame for. The first time I was 19 and she was 17; we were both way too young for it. And I've only had one (real) marriage in the last 22 years; I did get married one other time in that span, but my gf was pregnant and so I married her for the sake of the child knowing it wasn't going to last. This is how I explain it, without trashing the women involved.
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I think you are to much concerned about this. I believe that Liang is mostly concerned about how you will treat your future relationship. Therefore the questions about your last relationship. As I told you before, tell her that you have been married x-times and let her come with questions. She will ask you if there is something that worries her.
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I think you are to much concerned about this. I believe that Liang is mostly concerned about how you will treat your future relationship. Therefore the questions about your last relationship. As I told you before, tell her that you have been married x-times and let her come with questions. She will ask you if there is something that worries her.
That's pretty much my approach, Hajo. I'm not going into the 'whys' unless asked, and then I do it as gracefully as possible, and some stuff I won't ever share about what actually went on. It's not that I am so much concerned about it, as I know who I am now, like David was pointing me to. But it is a reality I have to deal with at some level. I can't just say 'Oh yeah, I was married before, it didn't work out'.
Thanks again for everyone's input though, I do greatly appreciate it.
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Roy , the Guy's here really gave great advice not only to you but I love and appreciate it all the same . As my situation is a little different , as I only was married ones and she passed away after 30 year's of Marriage . So , my Wife looks at this ... and see's what a faithful Husband I've been . She does asked many question's of my past marriage , but I have nothing to hide .. so I will tell her as much as she want's to hear . I still have a whole Room ( guest bedroom ) full of my late wife's Photo's and she does not mind at all . Because all she see's is a good Husband from that . To tell you the truth , I really wonder ... how would I feel , if it was all reversed ???
Knowing myself , I don't think .. I would take it that easy .
So in your situation , with the great advice from the Guy's that answered your question and how you feel ... your well on the right Path with this . Good Luck and have a great year of the Tiger .
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Roy , the Guy's here really gave great advice not only to you but I love and appreciate it all the same . As my situation is a little different , as I only was married ones and she passed away after 30 year's of Marriage . So , my Wife looks at this ... and see's what a faithful Husband I've been . She does asked many question's of my past marriage , but I have nothing to hide .. so I will tell her as much as she want's to hear . I still have a whole Room ( guest bedroom ) full of my late wife's Photo's and she does not mind at all . Because all she see's is a good Husband from that . To tell you the truth , I really wonder ... how would I feel , if it was all reversed ???
Knowing myself , I don't think .. I would take it that easy .
So in your situation , with the great advice from the Guy's that answered your question and how you feel ... your well on the right Path with this . Good Luck and have a great year of the Tiger .
Hi Arnold, thanks for the encouragement, and congrats on your new lady-sounds like you found a wonderful one. I hope I can come out the other end of this as blessed as you are.
Like I said elsewhere, I'd be a fool not to listen and take advantage of the counsel and advice offered by those who actually know something about the culture and the pitfalls in doing this. That's why I am asking questions and putting stuff out there on this list. I am a pretty intelligent guy, and I have a lot of confidence in my own intelligence, BUT I am also smart enough to know when I am out of my depth on something and need to be instructed. I consider all the advice I am getting as useful and given in the spirit of helping me along the path I've chosen here, and I am thankful for it all. It's not easy to humble myself and put some of this out in public, but it seems necessary to me to do so.
Good luck in the new year to you and your lady as well, friend!
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Trwme,
just be yourself, show her the type of man you are now. that is what these ladies are
interested in. they know people make mistakes and learn from them. but their main concern
is who you are now! not who you were! best wishes in your journey
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Hey old friend,
TIMING is key here, in the beginning don't say so much that it scares her off. Slowly release some hint if opportunity arises. By the end, when she's already in too deep, it will not matter much. Since by then your personality & prowess :icon_cheesygrin: will have done their work. If she objects even then, you may reassign the assasination squad lool.
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Hey old friend,
TIMING is key here, in the beginning don't say so much that it scares her off. Slowly release some hint if opportunity arises. By the end, when she's already in too deep, it will not matter much. Since by then your personality & prowess :icon_cheesygrin: will have done their work. If she objects even then, you may reassign the assasination squad lool.
Well, Liang asked me how many times I'd been married, so she set the timing on that one. We'll see what happens with any others I end up contacting.
And don't sweat the assasination squad-they've been recalled ;~) They said there were two guys at your place who looked similar, but they thought maybe one of them had been photoshopped into a chip'n dale.....lol.
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Roy,
I think what everyone is trying to say is do not bring it up. A Chinese woman will ask what they think they need to know. The more details you offer when they ask, will lend it self to more issues to discuss. These women think completely different than American women do so you need to let them set the course of their understanding of you.
(Men for those of you that do not want to see a Christian discussion please skip this paragraph!)
Roy being a Christian you have been influenced to give testimony of the issues God has helped you to overcome. It is accepted here in the US. In China it is completely different. Remember Christianity is not by any means mainstream there. They do have churches in public view there but it is still mostly underground. It is good to tell the woman that you are a Christian but you need to slow boat that aspect of the relationship. I am talking with a woman who will not say she is a Christian but does say that she prays to the same God I do. Three or four conversations later I was able to learn that she prays to one God only. You have to take it slow because they think big brother is watching and he is. Do not deny your beliefs but realize the environment you are reaching into. After a period of time you will see what I am talking about.
Shaun
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Men for those of you that do not want to see a Christian discussion please skip this paragraph!
Take it somewhere else, preacher boy...
Just kidding, just kidding guys!
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Roy,
I think what everyone is trying to say is do not bring it up. A Chinese woman will ask what they think they need to know. The more details you offer when they ask, will lend it self to more issues to discuss. These women think completely different than American women do so you need to let them set the course of their understanding of you.
(Men for those of you that do not want to see a Christian discussion please skip this paragraph!)
Roy being a Christian you have been influenced to give testimony of the issues God has helped you to overcome. It is accepted here in the US. In China it is completely different. Remember Christianity is not by any means mainstream there. They do have churches in public view there but it is still mostly underground. It is good to tell the woman that you are a Christian but you need to slow boat that aspect of the relationship. I am talking with a woman who will not say she is a Christian but does say that she prays to the same God I do. Three or four conversations later I was able to learn that she prays to one God only. You have to take it slow because they think big brother is watching and he is. Do not deny your beliefs but realize the environment you are reaching into. After a period of time you will see what I am talking about.
Shaun
Hi Shaun,
Thanks for that, it is something I was wondering about. I noticed several profiles that mentioned God, or Adam's rib, but very few that gave their religion as 'christian', most just say 'none', even the ones that mention 'God' or 'the God' in their self description. I figure at some point spiritual issues will come out, and I did mention that I am a 'spiritual person' in my correspondence with Liang, and with another lady I contacted here recently. I also put my religion down as 'christianity' on my profile. As I mentioned elsewhere on this site, I spend a lot of time writing about God, religion, and scriptures online on multiple yahoo discussion groups-three of which I own. So it is no small issue in my life. It defines a huge part of what I do and who I am. I am not necessarily 'mainstream' in my beliefs, but when it gets down to the bottom line I do identify myself as christian.
I'll work at being patient and sensitive to the enviroment the ladies have to deal with. Thanks for the heads up, and any other insight you could share on this would be greatly appreciated.
One other thing. I sent some cupids to a couple of ladies who did identify themselves as christian-and got rejected, lol. Go figure. Guess the 'brothers' maybe got there first? :angel:
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the catholic church here in Guangzhou has i would say about close to
2000 people there every sunday for service. and there are churches for
all denominations here but in most cities i beleive Shaun is right they are
hard to find
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Shanghai has an old and wonderful Catholic Church right on top of Shanghai Mountain (which Qing calls Hills ) . This Church has burned down more then ones in it's time . I will look up some Photo's I took of it . Qing also showed me one right in the middle of Shanghai , which she showed me .. in case I was thinking about getting married there . Tinny little thing among all the high buildings . I could not see/tell that Catholic Religion was surpressed in any way , as People gone in and out openly praying like in any Buddist Temple we've been to .
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there not surpressed in the bigger cities at all Arnold it is just
a little bit of a problem in the smaller cities finding one if that
is your desire. Guangzhou has all the denominations here with
a few of each in different areas
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All religions are looked down on in China, that is the official stand of the Communist party.
But they know they would be fighting a losing battle trying to totally suppress them all. So in the last 25+ years or so, they have let the people worship pretty much how they choose.
Maybe the western religions are looked down on more in the smaller cities, but i'm sure if you look hard enough, you'd probably find a church/place of worship that suits your needs, albeit all undertaken/practiced in Chinese!!!
David......