China Romance
All About China => Understanding Chinese Women => Topic started by: Axiom on May 13, 2010, 07:25:06 am
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Hello,
While I didnt meet this woman through chnlove I am still going to post it here since places like this have some of the greatest info and insight into the Chinese womans mind I have seen.
I met this woman online through Livemocha.. and we were friends for a year and then one day we were up talking and we realized we had a real connection and started to have a relationship... she sent me love notes and chocolates... i sent her gifts and roses, for 6 months everything seemed fine.
Then about two days ago she sends me this.....
" Dave, I decide to give it a shot, but can we make a compromise ? Because only when we really meet each other can we truly know weather we are compatible ,isn't it ? And that can't be realized before I graduate .So I want to talk it over with you : can we lose contact before I graduate ? That means no talk on MSN,no email,no phone call .Because even we talk everyday, there is nothing we can do in this year,but pain result from missing.And we are not in a relationship anymore. So if you find another women that really compatible with you ,you are completely free to date.And I will bless you and support you as a friend .
This year will be a test to our love and it's a chance for us to calm down and rethink our choice.
If you don't find another women ,we can try to contact each other in next June,maybe Childrens' Day,that's one month before I graduate,then we can arrange in advance when and where will we meet .
How do you think of that ? Is that okay with you ?"
I know about the loyalty of a Chinese woman, but a year? and why?
Does anyone have insight on why she would do something like this? And why she tells me to find another woman if she wants to come back to me?
I am getting mixed signals here and I am not sure what to think....
//--- this thread is proof women the world over dont know what they want ;P
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A "Dear John" letter, IMHO. I have never heard anything so absurd.
Now the chips are down... either go meet her or hold your breath for a year... Probably she met somebody else.
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If it is possible I'd get over there asap and meet her. She may be thinking you will never come and want to get on with her life. For her the clock is ticking. Having been there I will tell you it makes all of the difference in the world. If you need to sell something of value or if you have the money I'd go. Beg, borrow or steal, not literally but you get the idea.
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Hi Axiom , This young lady has brains , the most important thing for her at present is to graduate , and fair enough , graduating to both her and her family must come first , as you have as I read it been conversing with her for 18 months and in all that time not visited her , you could either firm up to meet her in her major semester break , probably around September or just go with what she has said .
She is obviously studying hard and it is not cheap to go through uni in China along with then finding a job , so I would say relax ask her if you may talk 1 time a week and also chat to others , most Chinese women seem very philosophical about the future , and until things are set in stone face to face nothing is permanent , regards Robert .
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Lets hang fire here guys. She says when she 'Graduates'. How old is she. She must be still at Uni. or College. The last year is most important as the exams in a year or so time will define what sort of degree she gets.
I think you are just on the back burner until she graduates. She has a lot of studying to do between now and then and she does not want to be so involved in the run up to graduation. She knows how she feels and maybe in the back of her mind she wants nothing to happen that may well affect her results or anything happening that may well stop her taking the exam altogther. I do not have to spell that out, she is young and able and I expect you are as well.
She is making a serious decision and she should not down cry her she is looking to the future. What if she concentrates on our brother more than her exams. If she does not pass with high marks then the years would have been wasted.
She need high marks to get even a mediocre job here and if you do do not work out and she has not the qualifications then where will it leave her.
She is a very wise lady and if you are able to wait then I would if you are young enough.
If you cannot wait another year because age is catching up on you then what do i say. Let her go and let someone else have the pleasure of a very sensible young lady in a couple of years time.
Willy
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Sometimes people think differently, but there IS such a way of thinking in relationship. She is very rational and her mind is kinda avant-garde.
We have to confess that physical relationship is as important as emotional relationship in a relationship. When in long distance relationships, all seems so weak. I think she is not so confident in this relationship. From your words, I guess she is still in school, so she will also have a lot of people to choose in the future. She also has to concentrate on her study. While you will also have many chances as you are in your country, not in China. She does not know what you are thinking about when you are not close to her. Many things could happen.
I do not think it is about a kind of loyalty, she is just not confident in this relationship or she is not well prepared for this international long distance relationship. She has many things to worry about.
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Hmmm, a lot of conflicting views here... well maybe this will help... I spoke to her again asking her what she meant.. and telling her I was very sad since only monday she sent me a nice card saying I was the true love in her life....
This is what she replied...
My heart really ache for making you feel so bad. You can totally trust my loyalty. I never thought I will have a second marriage ,so I'm pretty prudent to seek my soul mate and I do not fall in love easily when I said you can find another women ,you really think I'd like to let you go ? No, I said that because I'm afriad wait for me will make you miss the chance of meeting other women . I said that just in case you miss a great woman, if I love you ,I wish you can be happy . Since I don't know what my future will be ,let alone OUR future.
Yes,you are right ,if you want to make it happen ,you can make it happen .But can I just leave my parents and other family alone and fly to U.S. ? There are many practical things that I will take into consideration,such as your career and my career . I'm still struggling ,and I don't want to bother you by this and hurt you once more .
And sometimes I DO wonder if I'm the right woman for you , because we have never met and there are many sides you don't know about me .You see my kind side ,but don't see my ambitious side(besides that ,I'm stubborn sometimes),I don't know weather I can be a good wife if I'm so ambitious in career .I was thinking of join the army,you may think I'm insane ,but that is really what I'm thinking about . I want to strengthen my will by millitary training.I'm not sure if you can tolerate such a woman in your house. I want to assure this when we really meet .If we freeze this relationship for a while, then if you don't think I'm the right one for you when we meet , we won't feel so sad.
Dave,I don't mean I will give up on us,seriously I will try after I graduate when I have a chance to talk with you face to face. And I will not fall in love with any other man in this year ,because all of my concerntration is on postgraduate exams. But like I said ,I still don't want you to miss the chance to date a great woman .
Children's Day is 1st,June .I hope we can talk at that time .
Take care of yourself !
I already told her I would gladly move to China (Unfortunately I cant go right now since I just left work to go back to school myself, ironically to try and build a better life for us) since there seems to be a lot more work there for Flash/Web designers there then there is in the states... but i am guessing like Willy is the closest on what her intentions are (i think, I am a computer nerd so reading peoples intentions are sometimes difficult).
EDIT: I think maybe what throws me so much is the fact she wants me to look for another woman instead of waiting, (which I said I was willing to do) In western culture I would totally see this as a "Dear John" letter... but then she does a 180 and says she will look for me after a year... but with no contact? Very conflicting statements....
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Go visit my man, get a plane ticket and go visit and do it soon (very soon) or you will loose this lady. She loves you
but is confused at this time. Go visit and streathen this relationship and then let her have her studies. Heck, she is even
talking military service now. That would be insult to injury or pouring salt on the wound. So go visit and show her that
you are the man of her dreams, then support her studies.
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I would go, if I were you, even if I have to put on a gangly tall blue Avatar with a cute tail :icon_cheesygrin:
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really? I am not sure how I will put the money together... or if I even tell her I want to come if she will reply... but what the hey! I never met anyone like her before... anyone have an extra thousand dollars lying around? Its for a good cause! :icon_cheesygrin:
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my opinoin this is a lady who knows what is important to her and right now that
is to finish her studies. visiting her will not change that. very smart woman in thinking at
her young age what exactly she wants. offer to keep in touch with her at certain times and
take an interest in how she is doing support her in her studies and be there for her for any issues
she might want to discuss. THAT is how you will strenthen this relationship. one member here stated
she is not confident in this relationship quite contrary she is a very confident and determined lady and
she knows what she wants. give her a little space and keep in contact with her even if its not as often
as you want the end result might amaze you but for sure dont push her into something. she is not some
young lady looking for a way out or trying to settle she has goals and you must admire that. hang in there
because you have found one with her head in the right place who thinks leaving China is the answer
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Thanks so much for the advice ttwjr32
You really hit her personality on the head! In fact one of the reasons I was so attracted to her is she has strong convictions and knows what she wants.
This is the card I got just a few days ago with the chocolate she sent...
"Dearest Dave, I love you more than you can imagine!!!
May your life be full of sunshine and smile(s) everyday!!! --Ting"
I really dont want to lose her since I never had a deep of connection with anyone before.. but I guess that old adage is true: If you love something set it free, If it doesn't return.. it was never yours... well, i think thats close anyway :P But the way you worded it... makes the most sence to me. She is not the kind of woman who you hold onto to tightly... she (like myself) is a free spirit and giving her space seems logical.
Double thanks again for everyones insight on the matter! :icon_cheesygrin:
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that space will very well turn into a wonderful life together looks like or sounds like she
loves you but wants to finish what goals she has and there is nothing wrong with that
KEEP IN TOUCH and the end results will turn out right. she is not looking to be dependant
on someone she wants to be a contributor in the relationship. nothing wrong with that
but a lot of people (guys) dont get that.
and on my previous post it was a typo error she THINKS that leaving CHINA
is NOT the answer she wants to be ready and able to contribute and survive
in her relationship and if that means LIVING in CHINA then she will be ready for that
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KEEP IN TOUCH and the end results will turn out right. she is not looking to be dependant on someone she wants to be a contributor in the relationship. nothing wrong with that but a lot of people (guys) dont get that.
Ted , you discribed my Wife also . As she is now dependent on me , it is eating away at her NOT having a Job to contribute to our Relationship as of yet . All the other things around the House she does , don't mean a thing to her .. it's NOT work as she says . As westerners must realize this quality in these Women as a big positive NOT a negative . Western Women should take note !
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Ok, I admit that with the extra info given, it does not seem like a Dear John, so if you have survived 18 months without real face-to-face contact or remote visual contact, then probably the 2 of you are very much different from most folks who need the extra security of that closer contact. And another 12 months without any contact may be tolerable. I know I could not stand it, but I am not you.
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Again, thanks for all the information!
I guess what really threw me us the fact she told me to seek someone else out --- literally just a day after telling me she loved me. In the western world of dating, if a woman tells you that it basically would be a "Dear John" letter. I know I read it here a lot and on the Chnlove forums that the way Chinese women look at life and love are very different... I am finding out first hand I guess :P
We always told each other we dont want to be in the kind of relationship where one person controls and the person is along for the ride... I told her I am looking for someone to walk along side of me. She agrees with this.
I agree mpo4747, I think what I am going to to do is contact her after a few weeks... see how shes doing ask her if shes okay and all that. Just to let her know she is still in my mind and ...well, to see if shes okay of course :P I agree though... while I just paid for school, i am most definitely going to start saving for a trip!
Don't worry about it odysseus007, I didn't have the extra info at the time.. so its all good. Plus, we weren't dating for 18 months.. only about 6. I was lucky enough to have been friends with her before hand so we knew each other for a while.. which also helps a lot. It will be a tough wait, but I have my studies and then when I graduate, the joys of trying to chop out a career in this wondrous job market :D should keep my mind occupied :) Btw I like your signature! One of the best I've seen :D
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Axiom,
So, .... your both still at collage/uni, i had an idea that, that was the case.
So why are you even thinking about a long term relationship and maybe even marriage at your young ages?? Your not going to be in a position to support a family for at least 5 years!!!
I don't know what studies or subjects your reading, but if it is a subject that will lead to a profession that can take you overseas, then my advise is to do just that, ...Go see a bit of this big world before you start thinking about long term relationships. It's just possible, as others have stated, that she is also thinking along these lines!! She can't commit to marriage until she's (i think) 22 anyway! ....No reason why you can't stay friends with your lady over the internet, even to go visit her at some time.
You really do need to live a little as a single man, doing what healthy normal men do. That's basically how we mature ourselves and how we learn to pick out all the chaff from the big pot....haha!!!
Seriously though, you can do yourself far worse than being your own man, living the life, seeing the world and getting paid for the pleasure. Most Eastern ladies (or come to that ...any ladies) admire a man that is worldly wise and can look after himself....
So Graduate, and go East young man, ...and prosper!! There has never been better opportunities in history, for a young man like you to go out at make something of yourself....
One thing is for sure, .....you can never regain your youth once it's past!!!, many have tried, ....all have failed!! So make the most of those years while you have them..... lol!!!!
Wow!! ....that was a few cents worth wasn't it ...lol!!!!
David
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This is what she replied...
My heart really ache for making you feel so bad. You can totally trust my loyalty. I never thought I will have a second marriage ,so I'm pretty prudent to seek my soul mate and I do not fall in love easily when I said you can find another women ,you really think I'd like to let you go ? No, I said that because I'm afriad wait for me will make you miss the chance of meeting other women . I said that just in case you miss a great woman, if I love you ,I wish you can be happy . Since I don't know what my future will be ,let alone OUR future.
Yes,you are right ,if you want to make it happen ,you can make it happen .But can I just leave my parents and other family alone and fly to U.S. ? There are many practical things that I will take into consideration,such as your career and my career . I'm still struggling ,and I don't want to bother you by this and hurt you once more .
And sometimes I DO wonder if I'm the right woman for you , because we have never met and there are many sides you don't know about me .You see my kind side ,but don't see my ambitious side(besides that ,I'm stubborn sometimes),I don't know weather I can be a good wife if I'm so ambitious in career .I was thinking of join the army,you may think I'm insane ,but that is really what I'm thinking about . I want to strengthen my will by millitary training.I'm not sure if you can tolerate such a woman in your house. I want to assure this when we really meet .If we freeze this relationship for a while, then if you don't think I'm the right one for you when we meet , we won't feel so sad.
Dave,I don't mean I will give up on us,seriously I will try after I graduate when I have a chance to talk with you face to face. And I will not fall in love with any other man in this year ,because all of my concerntration is on postgraduate exams. But like I said ,I still don't want you to miss the chance to date a great woman .
Axiom,
Just to clarify, was she married before ??? How old is she exactly ???
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Oops no she was never married.. and she is 23 :)
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Heh... guess who emailed me yesterday totally worried about me and saying it was no a good idea of hers, to try and stay away from me to work on her studies....
She also told me that she is the first man she ever had feelings for and said that she loved.. so pardon the fact she is not to experienced in the ways of relationships....
That floored me.. I never knew that before.. I guess I'll have to have a lot of understanding with her.
Anyway.. thanks again to everyone that gave me advice here. I learn more and more about this culture every day.
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Axiom,
"I would have lived my life differently if I would have known what I know now." How many times have you heard someone say this? David5o has given you some real good advise. You should think about it at least. I am not trying to tell you what to do, just to think about his advise.
Dave C
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The thing is... and I dont want to turn this into a Western woman bash.. but Ting is a woman I have been looking for and we fit together like taxes and government. Some of this is stuff you wouldnt know unless you knew me personally, but I have a BLACK sense of humor. I like to talk about things like the nature of good/evil and our personal role in the greater world. Really deep thoughts, but Ting matches me thought for thought and inputs a lot of great insight of her own (someone said in this thread she is a woman who knows what she wants and I couldnt agree more)... The most in depth conversation I have had with western women I have dated in teh past were about "Gossip Girls" or Beyonces new album (which I think is complete crap but I digress).
That is one of the reasons I came to this site, because I can voice my opinion about why I cant get excited about dating western women and not get ridiculed for it. My friends have told me everything from "she's just using you for a VISA" to "Why would you want a mail order bride?". I have thought a lot about David5o's advice, but I also know in my heart I will never meet another one like her. So do I pass her by, finish school and maybe on the off chance meet some one else who compliments me just as well? or stick with her knowing I might be missing out on some things but knowing I have someone who really TRULY loves me?
I think life is about choices, some good some bad. While I might just have the "rose colored glasses" on, I still think she is worth the sacrifices i'll have to make. :)
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Then my friend you have made the correct decision. You have made your own decision. That alone makes it correct. Now how it turns out in the fullness of time may make you regret the choice you made. But what the hell. i think i can say with a certain amount of surety that there is not one man on this site that has not made a decision he wishes he would have done differently. at least once in our life. So you have decided. Now go out there and enjoy it. Make the very best you can with the choice you have made.
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I hope so!
I just reread what I wrote and it sounded kind of mean and snooty... which wasn't my intention! Specially from someone coming to these forums asking for assistance on the Chinese woman's frame of mind! I just like the fact she knows what she wants.. as do i... which is one of the things that attracted us to each other.
Again my apologies
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Axiom,
I don't think what you said sounded "snooty". If you two compliment each other well and that is your decision then so be it. We will all respect your decision. I think that Lee357 says it all, "Make the very best you can with the choice you have made".
Dave C