China Romance
All About China => Share your love story => Topic started by: Martin on March 06, 2011, 06:23:27 pm
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Hi guys. I was going to keep this private, for my own reasons, I will tell you what is going on with me...although I am going to keep this somewhat brief. I am a pretty private person, so do not like to go into too much detail. My marriage with Zhifang has ended. She flew back to China at the beginning of January. The entire details of what happened is pretty complicated, and I am not going to get into it.
I have been asked to stay on as the admin of the site, although I was prepared to step down when this all happened. So for now, I am staying on this site. I am not going to pursue any relationships in China...that's all done for me. However, I do believe in what we are doing here on this site, and feel we are making a difference to those who are choosing to go to China to meet their significant other.
Of course, I wish everyone the best of luck in their journey. I always enjoy reading about the trips, and look forward to reading about weddings in China. I am always here to help out where I can, with what knowledge I have.
Martin
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I'm really sorry to hear that Martin. I know how it feels, with two serious failed relationships under my belt. I hope you will take some time and maybe one day you will change your mind. I've been told a million times that you don't have to go to China to find a beautiful Chinese wife. As I posted in another thread, when you stop searching, you sometimes find what you needed. I hope you can find what you need one day soon. Until then, keep that smile on your face, try to keep a positive attitude and remember that we are all your friends. We're here for you, like you've been for us.
I won't ask what happened - I don't want to pry and I know that some things are too difficult to discuss, but if you have any suggestions that some of us can use to avoid a similar situation, I hope you won't mind helping now and then.
Neil
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Martin
That is indeed a "bombshell" of news. I am so sorry to hear it, you seemed to be one of the big success stories.
Hope that you can continue to give help and advice as in the past....and maybe some day you will get back on the horse.
If there is any help and/or advice I/we can give you here...just ask
Best wishes...David
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Sorry to hear this. I don't understand why step down as Admin.? No need for that.
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Martin, I am really sorry to hear that but thanks for speaking up. One day I hope you can come to the place where you can give wise council to those what are naive to all traps and pitfalls and hopefully give them ways to deal with issues.
I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
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Hey Martin,
Sorry to hear about you and Zhi Fang. Hope whatever comes next will be a good one for you! You and your daughter are still welcome to get together as friends. No reason for that to change.
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Hey guys...I am not giving up the friendships I have made here. I hope to continue with all of them, and I want to hear all your success stories as well.
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Success is not a destination but a story that constantly unfolds. For me you are the Muse that created this website originally born on Facebook and transversed here. I can not think of anyone more capable and understanding then you, our God Father, to be this site's Administrator. Who better then one that has tasted both the sweetness and bitterness of that harvest we try to reap. I too am sorrowed by this new event and Cupid's miss aimed arrow.
I can remember you twice calling me on your phone, one time when I was in wayward spirits, to lend a brother your inner strength. Your revelation has come at a time that although unfortunate, gives warning and caution to us all that we can never be sure of the outcome, no matter how carefull we plan. You have knowledge and experience that can help others and I thank you for choosing to remain.
Forever in your debt,
Ron V.
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Sorry to hear the news martin..I thought I read it in a thread last week. good luck buddy
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Sorry to hear the news martin..I thought I read it in a thread last week. good luck buddy
You did read it in a thread last week, but it wasn't a thread started by me. That's another layer to the story that I won't get in to.
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As a Mod ( I think all the other's ) are .. like Rhonald says .. in Debt to you Martin , not just when we started to build this Union of Friendship's . Especially now and the month's ( hopefully years ) to come . Also happy you will decide to stay on , as I can NOT see " Chong " replaceing you as Administrator here . ??
Best wishes to both of you and your Daughter , may the Pain of Love subside soon from your Heart and fill it kindness you receive here from us all .
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Sorry to hear this. So sad. I know it's not your fault.
What is the perfect marriage, different views from different people. Could we judge who is right? Absolutely no.
Most time,the only thing you can do is pray you will meet the person who has the same idea with you. Martin,don't give up.
马丁，不要放弃。
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Hello Martin,
I am shock to hear the news from you. I like reading your blog before. I hope two of you could stay calm and keep positive as Neil said. And it 's important ,donn't let the failture close your heart, everyone need time to recover from a bad experience. God bless you...
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this is very tragic. you guys told me to read this forum and i see this. if you don't mind me asking what happened? i want to avoid this. you have offered me things on my post and i want to know what went wrong with your relationship.
thank you,
louie
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Louie , I think that is a little too personal to spread all over the Forum . What we learn from this , is it's never a sure thing .. even when it looks like it . So take extra caution proceeding with your Lady . That doesn't mean this can NOT work for you . Stay positive , it's good for you and your Lady friend .
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Hi there. Like Arnold said, I am keeping it private, as it does not need to be discussed all over the internet. However, to offer a little bit of advice, communication is key. If you speak different languages, the relationship will take a lot more work than you realize.
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Martin;
So sorry to hear all the bad news. I hope that you do get someone in your future. Someone that deserves a good man such as yourself. I hope that you have success in the future with a woman that is a perfect match for you, nomatter what her nationality is. You don't have to explain anything to us here and you don't have to step down as administrator here. Stepping down serves no purpose.
Dave C
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Hi Martin, I have not been here for to long but agree with the others, No reason to step down, I am sure that your advice has benefited many before me and me also, The communication is a bigger issue than i first expected and i hope that me and my wife are both determined to overcome this PROBLEM, We both had a communication problem again yesterday and it caused heart ache from both sides, Mainly hers as i am a hard head sometimes, (most times), Really sorry to read the bad news, Wish you both the best and keep moving along. Regards from MinYing and John.
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Hi Martin, I am awfully sorry to read your lines. It is like a punch in the bottom of the belly, if you know what I mean.
I won't ask what happens, as you say it is your privacy. I hope the other members will respect that too.
Martin, when you leave it surly would be a great loss for this forum. But on the other hand I can imagine that there must be many thoughts on you mind. I hope you will find what you are looking for, whatever which way you decide to go.
All the best!
Hajo
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Martin, you are right. The communication is very important for a couple of the speaking different languages. I often felt something was wrong in my life because I couldn’t explain what I want to say clearly although I learned English over 30 years and I was thought my English is ok.
I think the marriage between a western and a Chinese lady is a long and difficult journey after married. She would learn English with very difficult if your Chinese lady didn’t learn English before. You would felt how difficult to learn Chinese when you would learn the Chinese.
Loving your chinese lady means trying to understand Chinese lady’s thought, feeling, culture…… Maybe you need to understand her too much in your future life. Maybe you need to change yourself a little?
that is just my thought.
Sara
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Sara,
I understand what you are saying. Learning English or another language is difficult for Chinese people. As learning Chinese is difficult for us Western people. I know as I trying hard ;D
But the language is not the only hurdle. As you write there are many differences in the culture, too. I think that there are many challenges too.
In my humble opinion, both parts have to change. I believe that is what you meant. Sometimes they have to change little, sometimes they have to change a lot.
By the way, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I think it is a great help for many of us, to get the opinion of a Chinese lady.
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sorry to hear the split up from your wife
as many forum members have have mentioned i feel for you
as we say in England (it is not over until the fat lady sings)
i have read many of your posts with a lot of interest
but you give some advice martin re quote communication so you did not communicate enough ?
you are a mature man martin
i think this is bull shit !!!!!!there is more to this than meets what you say in the forum if you have made a mess of you relationship own up
if you do not want to speak with forum members what happend keep it to yourself
mind you one member was not welcome any more because he told the story about is failed marriage
do not be a hypocrite
i await your responce to my email address
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Joe,
I think that was uncalled for. If Martin wants to divulge what happened during the time Zhifang was here that caused the failure, then he will. If not, then I don't see why he should. It's not up to anyone here whether he should or not. I'm sure that everyone here has things they don't want to spread out all over the internet.
This is a support group. We're here because we want to help each other succeed in what we're doing. We help people pick up the pieces if they happen to fail. There are others here who have shared their pain and that's fine, but I won't condemn anyone who wants to keep their issues private. Personally, I wish everyone's relationships work out (we know it doesn't), but I really don't think we want to be knocking down one person just so everyone else can benefit. That's just not cool.
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sorry to hear the split up from your wife
as many forum members have have mentioned i feel for you
as we say in England (it is not over until the fat lady sings)
i have read many of your posts with a lot of interest
but you give some advice martin re quote communication so you did not communicate enough ?
you are a mature man martin
i think this is bull shit !!!!!!there is more to this than meets what you say in the forum if you have made a mess of you relationship own up
if you do not want to speak with forum members what happend keep it to yourself
mind you one member was not welcome any more because he told the story about is failed marriage
do not be a hypocrite
i await your responce to my email address
Joe ... You're the one who should be sorry. You wrote that you 'feel' for Martin but then call him a hypocrite. You accuse him of messing up ( and want him to fess up ) but then write that he could keep it to himself. You're the hypocrite.
As an 'insider' to Martin's situation, he's not writing his story because he doesn't want to embarrass his ex-wife in public. That's a man who has a character.
And what makes you think that Martin will confess everything to you to your email address ??? Are you more special than the rest of us ???
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mind you one member was not welcome any more because he told the story about is failed marriage
do not be a hypocrite
Joe I think your decision is based on taking at face value the other person's response on the official web site. We have had many people tell their story of failures and not been ostracised here, so maybe it was because of the meltdown he suffered that led to his banning. I can remember one of his poisons remarks about another banned member's failure in regards to an abortion by his ex fiance.
I can imagine many reasons why Martin's marriage did not work out, after all Joe, you are not the only one with a dream. Culture shock, homesickness are two possible reasons that I remember Maxx warning us so long ago about. Reality throws us curve balls all the time as even you have expressed Joe about your wife's son's decision.
It is a shame that our Canadian Government does not give us a luxury of granting a fiancee Visa so that we can give our potential mate a look at our culture here. Instead we have to roll the dice and hope it all works out for us as we bring our new bride here. Is it really a surprise that sometimes it doesn't work out? Heck even having a girlfriend born here does not guarantee success because thinking the future will be a dream usually fails once the dream meets reality.
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Joe, you need to refresh my memory...who was banned for having a failed marriage? Ed? Jim? Ted? If the asnswer is Ted, he wasn't banned for a failed marriage. Also, I don't ban members. This is up to the mods to decide. I back all their decisions. Yes, it is me that clicks the ban button, but only after a vote has happened. I might instigate thge vote, but as of yet, I have not voted. So hopefully that resolves your concern.
As far as what happened, communication was a major factor. You are right, it was not everything. But the rest really doesn't need to be said here, or anywhere else online. If that makes me a hypocrite, I can live with that.
Martin
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I have not been on this site for months, and the first thread I see is this one. I'm sorry to read this Martin. I hope all goes well with you.
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Hey Martin sorry man. I havent been around much so don't even have an idea what could have happened. But this has floored me I would have never expected to read this.
Give me a call if you need a bro to talk to.
But I do have a little good news I can give you, After all of the crap and all of these months of waiting. My wife finally has an interview date. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
And as far a banning people, I have been here since the begginning. No one has ever been banned from this site that did not deserve it. Some of the stuff I have read here today, just shows me there are still plenty of idoits that have no clue what goes on here.
Maxx, Lolly has busted thier ass for me. Thank you man. Maybe a happy ending yet.
Hi there. Like Arnold said, I am keeping it private, as it does not need to be discussed all over the internet. However, to offer a little bit of advice, communication is key. If you speak different languages, the relationship will take a lot more work than you realize.
That being said. This is so very true. My wife and I still have a little trouble. I think when she gets here it should be just fine. We spent most of last year living together in China. She is very understanding and we normally laugh when we have those misunderstandings. We both see how stupid they are.
Her English is still a little weak so convincing the Consolate might still be a problem. But I think the fact I made 3 trips to China last year and was living there 9 of 12 months. It should make a big difference.
She says she will comment on how good my Chinese is during the interview. But I am sure they have heard this plenty of times before.
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Jimmy,
I don't think they're idiots. Maybe a bit too nosy, but not idiots. We put a lot of ourselves on here... but that doesn't mean that anyone is entitled to the parts of us that we don't put on here. It's just sometimes people forget that.
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Jimmy I'm happy to hear that.Do yourself a favor and call your wife.And check and see that all her paperwork and proof is complete.My concern is that her police report has expired.Make sure that all the medical fees and visa fees are payed and up to date.Good luck.I know this has ben difficult for you and your wife.
Best wishes to you and your wife
Maxx.
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Jimmy;
I will have my fingers crossed for you and your wife.
Martin;
Give me a call sometime or I can call you if you want.
Dave C
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Martin... we have talked about meeting in Changsha again and I hope this will be a reality in the future.. We do have a spare room with a bed for you...
Peter and Tina
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Martin sometimes life can be bloody cruel , sometimes you hear things you do not want to hear , my be you did not like what I had to say ?
but when you look back what are relationships built on martin ?
communication and understanding
I do not know the way your feeling ,but think it feels bad
From the hint you gave us was communication
sometimes when you travel the unproven path that all of us choose in this forum ,
the emotions that we go through leaving our women at the airport and all that
when we eventually get to the end of the road the sun shines so brightly
yes we have made it . but wait on a minute !!!!!
sometimes we can take our foot of the peddle thinking the hard work is done
nooooooooo it is just starting , this is when communication needs to be stepped up
and also to understand your wife's feelings
a strange country , different culture , everything is out of your wife's comfort zone ,
my be break down in communication is through maybe your wife not settling in your country , that can cause as break down in understanding and communication
sometimes it can happen we do not see it coming
if this is part of the reason for your relationship with your wife to breakdown
maybe you can save it
maybe you can move to china maybe things will be better ?
one thing is for certain martin
sometimes marrying a Chinese women and taking her home to your country does not work out,sometimes many people take this for granted who knows
only time will tell martin .
how ever I wish you well in what you choose it does seem sad that after all you have been through just to throw it away seems senseless to me
but it good advice martin COMMUNICATION AND UNDERSTANDING is important in any relationship especially with a Chinese women with the different culture
Rhonald as for this situation with my wife's son my wife as moved very quickly to nip this in the bud my wife as sent a strong message to her son , she is now moving to my country
and as told him in no uncertain terms that I come first in her life
so he now as to stand up for himself and grow up , we hope in time he will accept me
as a foot note to this post when I was in Chengdu for my wedding in the
spring festival, I met up with one of my wife's friends she is married to a Canadian
I asked her if she liked Canada as she spoke good English her response was
I hate Canada but I love my husband and that is were we will live
gives you food for thought (as for me I think Canada is a cool place )
anyway Martin good luck
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Very sad to hear, Martin. I just hope you'll get through this OK and find the right one for you in the future, whatever nationality she is. Sometimes life sucks but even though it may not feel like it right now you will feel better as time passes. I hope you will feel ready to look for your true love soon again.
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I had almost forgot until it was mentioned here. It has been bugging me for months. Would someone please PM me and tell me why Ted was banned?
Martin,
I hate to see someone throw in the towel after such an investment in time, money and emotion. But I am sure you gave it a lot of thought and you feel it is the best thing for you. I hope you can find someone else more suitable for you and recover quickly from this tragedy. Best of luck to you.
Gerry
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Sorry to hear the news Martin. I hope when the dust has settled and all wounds have healed, that you'll find yourself a lovely lady. Thoughts are with you.