China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Newbies Corner => Topic started by: flopitdown on January 19, 2014, 01:06:05 pm
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Hi everyone. I came across your website in google and thought I´d stop by and get some advice and opinions from you guys.
The story will be long, but I figured I´ll start from the beginning and end it where I am today.
I live in Austria and I got married somewhat young in 1992 and we moved to a big city - Vienna, and divorced at 32 in 2002. After my divorce I knew I wanted to move to a small town, but I also wanted to go self-employed and enjoy my once-again-freedom and do what I wanted and get what I wanted before I moved.
We got mutally divorced, no arguments, because we both wanted different things ie I wanted a family, she was only concerned about a career. Oddly enough, though, during our whole marriage she was in college and we lived off of my salary (I´m just a normal worker, no profession). So when we got divorced I left her all of our stuff and took my 3k to my new apartment and I went self-employed, got me 4 cats (I grew up with animals – my ex-wife didn´t like them in the home) and other unimportant yet fun things. I knew I would move to a smaller town in the future and wanted to try being self-employed first.
I stayed self-employed from 2002-2010 but eventually stopped as I could only make a living, but not save any extra money. I didn´t have time for vacations and it was fun while I did it but it was time again for me to get a regular job as I did what I wanted to do and I was finished with that chapter.
From 2004-2010 I dated two girls from Austria, one from Czech Republic, one from Ukraine and one from Germany. I met these girls in Austria within a group of friends or in cafes, not online. But my longest relationship with any of them was 1 year, and that girl actually proposed to me (I always thought the guy should propose so this was very odd for me to handle – especially saying no – I felt like an idiot). What I came to realize was all of the girls I was meeting in the big city were living in the big city for a reason; either they moved to get away from a small town, or they liked and wanted to stay forever in the city. It was extremely difficult to find someone who wanted to live in a smaller town. So this is when I decided to try online dating, I figured it was a broader audience, therefore raising the possibility of meeting people who liked and wanted different things than city girls here.
So far my story may sound like a sad one, but it is not. During my marriage I was happy because we did both love each other. We just wanted different things. After my marriage it was like after high school again, doing what I wanted, having a ball, I have no regrets. I was always and still am and will always be a very optimistic person who is in a good mood 99% of the time. No matter what happens.
In 3+ years I talked to quite a few girls, from Ukraine, Kasachstan, Russia, Poland, China, Thailand, Phillipines, Austria, Germany, Moldova, Belarus, India, USA, among other countries. I am not looking for one particular nationality, just looking for someone who matches with me. Out of these girls, I just didn´t match with any either because they didn´t like cats, they didn´t want to live in a small city, or we were too different in things we wanted.
During the last 3+ years I´ve also dated a few times, I don´t only depend on online. But as my current job, which I´ve had since 2010, is an online job, I am online quite often.
The last thing to explain is I am probably looking for a girl who is too young for me. Some people say only perverts do this lol My ex-wife was my nationality and was my age. To me, because of the experiences I have had and people all around me, regardless of the age or nationalities, it will either work or not work. Of course I realize the % might be lower due to an age difference, but so far I am 0% after marrying a girl at the same age, so let´s be honest, it can´t drop to -1% lol so age is irrelevant to me now. I also want a family, and I do not want to be forced to decide within 1-2 years if I want a child with a girl. I think girls at 19 or 40 can be attractive, but unfortunately there is a lot of pressure to maybe not do the right thing considering children if the girl is 35+….I am 44.
Anyhow, my problem I have come across with online girls, other than girls not liking my cats, and girls not wanting to live in a small town, is this; it seems like 50% at least are not really serious in their search, and at least 50% are only concerned with what job I have and if I own or rent.
I was kind of hoping that maybe someone here who lives in China and who has been in this forum for a while (I read some posts and think the owner of the forum lives in China?) can recommend a dating agency in China that is not expensive and that is reputable. Or maybe have other suggestions or could help me in some other way like with newspaper ads there or something…
I also need to point out that, as stated above, I am not near being desperate. Like the girls, I also have certain things I look for in a girl in regards to personality as well as appearance, and I am probably pretty strict in this for good reasons. I won´t just marry the first girl who likes me if something does not fit.
Thanks for reading all of my blabber and hopefully I get some positive responses….
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I also should add that I am not interested in a bride mail order stuff. Before I meet the girl I´d want to talk on skype or qq with cam and speakers and get to know each other ;)
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The cats issue seem to be a big problem. Perhaps you can find someone in a "cat" chatroom? Although! A Chinese girl might like having a food source nearby? ;D
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haha I think the cats actually are a benefit for me when it comes to girls, but not a benefit to them if they don´t like pets.
I don´t know if it is just me but girls who I have known (not only dates but also friends or co-workers) who have a cat always seem like they are more affectionate/gentle and caring people. That´s not to say that a girl who doesn´t like or have cats can´t be caring and affectionate, but it´s something I´ve noticed.
I also talked to a few chinese girls on qq who have cats, I suppose there are a few who see them as pets.....
I also asked a chinese girl in vienna in 2006 about eating cats and she may have lied as we did not really know each other, but she said it depends on where in China, that some places the people do not eat them. No idea if that is true or not, she could have told me the chinese moon is pink and i would have said okay.
I wouldn´t go to a cat forum because this would be boring talking about cats with a bunch of people. I don´t want to know what Sallys cat eats on its borthdays lol I also wouldn´t go there looking to meet a girl as that´s not what a cat forum is for, that would just be creepy 8)
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When we first began to communicate, my wife told me she hates cats..........I have a cat, Mr Walter who has been with me for all of the 12 years that I renmained single after my divorce. To me, he was a far more reliable companion than any of the Women I met both in-person and on-line.
However, I did not ..and still dont consider that the love of pets or hatred of pets is a real show stopper, that is unless you give more attention to your pets than your wife. !!!!!!
After 3 years of marriage to a wonderful Chinese lady, and despite some rocky patches, Ming, Myself and Walter are all good friends...she has well bonded with the cat, and vice-versa.
But, but, but...in her eyes he is a pet cat...no more, no less..she still rightfully expects that the cat is No. 2 in my eyes...she must always be No.1...and rightly so ;D ;D ;D
So...if your cats are your priority, I think you will have a potential conflict with any future wife...no matter which Country she is from...and Chinese wives DONT share their affections with anybody else than their husbands.......be warned :-\ :-\ :-\
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"flopitdown" ....can recommend a dating agency in China that is not expensive and that is reputable.
is "flopitdown" the name you want to be addressed as?
the guys here are opinionated as to what is the best venue to meet the China woman.
ChnLove has the population. there is no denying that. I suppose one can say that ChnLove
is the motherload of all available China lady lovelies.
Chnlove is also an exercise of monies extraction. yours.
that said, there is another way you can go about your business. many of the ladies on ChnLove
also post their profiles on China Love Links http://www.chineselovelinks.com/
it is a 'free' website. if of interest you can 'upgrade' your status with a paid membership. that
allows you direct communication with the ladies.
in my opinion, China Love Links would be the way I would go about my search.
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The cats issue seem to be a big problem. Perhaps you can find someone in a "cat" chatroom? Although! A Chinese girl might like having a food source nearby? ;D
Cat not so popular - but a few roam around our complex. But dog! Well that is really going to make them salvinate!!! Especially in winter where dog meat is considered to create great warmth inside. This is going to happen in the really rural areas where any animal kept is regarded as food and not a pet.
Joking apart I would suggest that you consider coming to China at least for a couple of weeks. You say that you work on line and we have good internet here. That may be OK for you but could be Catastrophic for the moggies. You would need to find someone to take them on whilst you are away.
The other problem you have is that you currently live in Austria. Now not too many Chinese women want to go to live in a non English speaking country. You may handle English well but outside the house she will always need you at hand until such time as she learned German. My Chinese language teacher has a French husband, she has not learned French as they both speak perfect English but they have no intentions of moving to live in France.
I am not saying that it cannot be done as others have married and taken their wife back to non English speaking places but it will be a little harder to find that perfect women. Hence the reason I suggest that you get over here and find one face to face.
I have friends here in Zhongshan that French, Irish, Dutch and Canadian and all are around your age. Their wifes are all aged between 26 and 33 years of age. They all met their ladies whilst here in China - not one met via an agency.
I think that of the current members that use this forum I am the only one that has made China their home for several years. I now have residence permit and do not need a visa. I am not an expert on all things Chinese but have managed to survive and I am going through my fifth winter here now.
I came for 6 weeks in 2009 and have never considered living anywhere else. But as the oldest in age on this forum that may have more to do with diminishing senility! Well that is what my sisters in the UK think!
Willy
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Never heard of Chinese eating cat. Maybe it happens, but I don't know anyone who did.
But Dogs are another story. I remember my favorite noodle shop where I ate every morning before going to work....Until the dogs came out. I went down to breakfast and there was Old Yeller hanging on a hook in the window. The dogs come out in October when is begins to get cold weather.
Jing's sister had dog. His name was dinner. He was cute but that did not save him.
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I ate dog once. In Hunan Province. Everyone asks me what it taste like, but the hot spices were all I could remember.
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Dog isn't bad. It isn't great either. Gerry they arrested a guy driving into Wuhan the other day. That had close to 2,000 cats, Stuffed in crates. The article went onto say that this wasn't the first time. They had caught someone trying to sell cats as a meat source.
Flopitdown If I had to do this again, I would do like Willy suggested. This life this journey, isn't for everyone. So go to China get over the Asian fever. See if this is really for you.
If it was me I would fly into Hong Kong. Take the ferry to the mainland either Zhuhai, Or Zhongshan. Hook up with Willy. Then work through it from there. Or Pm Robert S. get signed up with his dating site. Robert runs a good dating site. He checks out the girls and makes sure that there isn't any game player.
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Thanks for all of the responses.
@David E: you are right, I agree. Right now my cats are obviously my number 1 priority as I am single and I take care of them. But I can understand any girl who thinks they are more important than a pet. If my wife or girlfriend was jealous that I take care of them or care about the cat/s, or if I pet them when they are in the room, then we would have a problem. But if it is about attention, I don´t think we would have a problem as I think I am pretty nice and show a lot of attention to my partners.
@JohnB: You can address mea s John, that´s my actual name ;)
I actually joined CLL on January 4th with a membership. About 24 girls gave me their QQ or skype. The results were:
- One ignored me after we talked one time on cam and speakers
- Five don´t like cats
- Four went offline while we were talking and has never come online again
- One wants to stay in china
- One got a new job and is moving to thailand soon
- Three only looking for friends
- One only talked about how she was sick over and over
- One seemed tob e completely insane
- 7 of them have not been online sicne adding me the past 14 days
Do you know anything about chinalovematch? I thought about trying there next month…..
@Willy: I would like to visit China one day, obviously it mames sense that one can meet more girls of a nationality if they visit the country.
@Pineau: ah it may have been dogs we talked about, sorry. I got thrown off when the other guy said cats lol
@martin: I probably could not eat dog or cat, just because. But I eat cow, pig, etc and I am sure some people have a pet cow, pig, etc, so the way I see it in most cases, cultures are different, if they eat roaches in one country, dogs in another country, pigs in another country that´s just the way it is.
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@maxx: thanks. which site is Roberts please?
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John try this www.xingfulove.com
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thanks maxx
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John, welcome to this forum as you already have seen , whatever questions you pose , there will be many and varied answers .
On my QQ heading I wrote that I only spoke English and had a lot of contact with several ladies of around the 35 mark who were English teachers , my own better half also found me on QQ , not telling me for several weeks that she was already in Melbourne , ha ha as her address on QQ was Shenyang , China .
She could not speak more than about 4 words of English , but I was helping her learn , her problem is that after 4 years her English is not as good as it should be mainly because all of her employees use Chinese as their normal talking and so does she when directing them .
One thing to think about is you will be blown away by the sheer numbers in any of the top 100 cities in China and all of the ladies / girls that I have met here in Melbourne like to be surrounded by busy areas for entertainment / shopping etc , close to transport and where we live in the suburbs as we have a lot of trees and parks around the girls think we live out in the sticks , only 30 km from the city centre , regards Sujuan and Robert .
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flopitdown,
Don't become discouraged by the CLL and QQ results.. Stay with it and eventually you will find someone the catches your eye and stimulates your senses. I spent a full 5 months browsing the dating sights and taking notes before I headed off to China to meet them. Attitudes of the ladies seem to vary according to age and location. Big city girls are into material things (no matter what their profile says), and the country girls are more about holding hands and walking into the sunset forever and ever.
How old are you?
What is you career status? Close to retirement or chained to a desk?
Are you able to travel to China for a couple of weeks or more?
Can you afford an extended stay in China?
Travel to China is the best way to learn what your looking for. The cultures and attitudes vary all over China. And they vary from the big cities to the country side. I was lucky to be able to take a walk about China starting in Beijing and points north and ending in Guangzhou in the south. And of course you need to find foster parents for the cats. I had a cat when I left for China. I left it with my ex wife. It was happy to see me again and did not forget me. He is now back home with me. (and fat as a basketball).
Denver Broncos won last night and will be facing Seattle in the SUPER BOWL.
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I agree with Gerry about becoming discouraged. Frankly, you can't go to your nearby mall or walk around your town and find the right woman right away, without a little luck. You have to keep trying and working at it.
Also, not really sure if it's been mentioned yet, but it is going to be ultra important to you to learn about Chinese culture if you plan on meeting Chinese women. Their culture is very important to them, and if you don't understand it, or at least demonstrate you are working hard at learning their culture, the GOOD ones won't really be interested.
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Hi Robert:)
How do ladies add you to qq? The only people who have added me were the 20 i gave my qq id to at cll. After 2 weeks on qq nobody added me out of the blue. is there somewhere in qq where you can make your id known like a dating section?
I can understand about the language barrier, as I never mentioned previously that I myself am a foreigner in Austria and when I first came here 20+ years ago, I went through the same thing. The only jobs I could get were where the offices spoke English, or with tourist, and it took me 4 years to actually be able to hold a simple conversation. Add to that our friends and my wifes family were English speaking so that made it harder to learn. The austrian friends all spoke English because they wanted to be nice and make me feel comfortable.
I have that problem even with Austrian girls in Vienna, or foreign girls in Vienna I have dated; they want to stay in the big city because either they were born here and like it, or they moved from smaller towns to come to a bigger city with better jobs, variety, etc....I understand what I am looking for is hard. People have also suggested to me that if I move to a small town alone I will meet girls there, but many times the people in the small towns hook up with each other in high school or younger because they know there are not many people around them. A friend of mine, who moved to Vienna from one of these smaller towns, makes a joke and says "the best looking girls are snatched up by guys before they turn 16 because the guys know this is their only chance to get someone who is not ugly" lol
I´d actually prefer to meet someone before moving to a smaller town bvecause I´d like to experience the move and learning new things and all with someone rather than alone. It would be more fun to talk to someone about those things while expereincing them together. At the same time, though, I have no problem going alone as well because it´s going to be fun anyhow, and I also think I´ll find someone there, maybe even easier than in the city, because if the girl is still living there after she turns 20, she wants to stay there, and probably 9 out of 10 people there have pets, or cows, whichever lol
If anyone is interested, I actually have been planning on moving to a smaller town since 2005. I originally planned on going when I stopped my self-employment venture, but then I got a cool/fun job and I don´t ant to quit it. I actually work 90% of the time from home, and by January 2015 it will be 100% of the time at home, so I decided to wait until I am working only from home as I don´t want to take a train 4-5 hours once a month to Vienna for the meeting/s. Anyhow, in 2005 I listed all of the smaller towns in Austria that some things I wanted within walking distance (train station, grocery store, doctors, city hall, shopping streets - the train station because I don´t mind taking a train 25 minutes to the next city for work or to go shopping for fun on the weekends). my list started at 93 towns, and over the years I narrowed them down to these two;
https://www.google.com/search?q=dorf+gastein&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=p8DdUsj-KbKh7AbN14DgBg&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=568
and
https://www.google.com/search?q=dorf+gastein&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=p8DdUsj-KbKh7AbN14DgBg&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=568#q=mallnitz&tbm=isch
The second one is a town inside of a long valley, 1200 meters high, only 900 people. I prefer this one but it will not be easy because although everything is together, the train station is on the other side of the valley - about 2 kilometers - and I don´t care to have a car for that.
The first town actually is more smaller and round and about 900 meters high, most people there do not have cars as the entire center of the town is all together in the middle, city hall, train station, shops, doctors, everything is all ithin 5 minutes walking distance. This town has about 2000 people as well.
Don´t get confused with the ski lifts and all in the pictures - both of these towns are smaller tourist attractions for skiers and hikers in the summer, but the skiing and all is about 1000 meters higher than the towns themselves. So I´m not looking to live in the middle of a ski slope lol
I know for some people 800 people or 2000 people sounds extremely isolated, but these are communities we don´t have in the city, people are more friendly, crime is less, much better to raise children, air is great, view is always beautiful, and they communicate more with each other than city folks who don´t trust each other do. Plus their festivals are really cool. I think the quality of life is 1000x better. For me, I do not mind giving up the variety or extras we get in the city for all of the above. The trade-pff seems fair. The girls just has to agree or she will go crazy lol
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@pineau and irishguy
Yes, thanks. I heard about learning a bit about the chinese culture. I would hope she would help me out on that one. I would be interested in learning it and read a bit up on it now, but I don´t know what to believe :)
How old are you? 44
What is you career status? Close to retirement or chained to a desk? I am online about 10 hours per day. I work an insecure job, although I have had it for a while.
Are you able to travel to China for a couple of weeks or more? Yes, I could.
Can you afford an extended stay in China? The problem with this is my job is online, and China blocks the websites I must control for my work. For that reason I could not stay unless I had guaranteed access, othrwise I´d get fired lol
Sounds to me like I´d have to meet a country girl from China. Can I actually go to the country and somehow meet girls there, or what´s the best way to do that?
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[quote author=flopitdown link=topic=3860.msg66060#msg66060 date=1390265481}
Can you afford an extended stay in China? The problem with this is my job is online, and China blocks the websites I must control for my work. For that reason I could not stay unless I had guaranteed access, othrwise I´d get fired lol
[/quote]
No excuses accepted on that point. I have three online businesses, one of which some might think are blocked in China.
I have never had a problem with accessing any web sites here. Otherwise I would not have been able to stay after stepping onto Chinese soil in 09.
For less than 8 us dollars a month I can get any website in the world in the world. No restrictions.
Of course if you are 'a US government contractor' then maybe a different matter.
Also utilising Skype my clients can call a London phone number and get through to me here. It cost them a local call.
Online working here is no problem
Willy
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Thanks for that info Willy, good to know this :)
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No excuses accepted on that point. I have three online businesses, one of which some might think are blocked in China.
I have never had a problem with accessing any web sites here. Otherwise I would not have been able to stay after stepping onto Chinese soil in 09.
For less than 8 us dollars a month I can get any website in the world in the world. No restrictions.
Hi Willy - what costs $8/month, is it a proxy server?
Also, I am curious - what kind of online businesses are those, are you selling and shipping Chinese goods to UK?
Victor
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In all the time I was there I used VPN EXPRESS. Occasional they were blocked but were back up with a different ip address in less that 24 hours. I think it was 7.99 a month.
https://www.vpnexpress.com/order7 (https://www.vpnexpress.com/order7)
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Hi Willy - what costs $8/month, is it a proxy server?
Also, I am curious - what kind of online businesses are those, are you selling and shipping Chinese goods to UK?
Victor
It is Express VPN. I pay for it 12 months at a time so works out cheaper. I have one website where I sell Christian music and two others that do not sell anyt items. Just a service business.
My wife and our stepdaughter have their own business selling clothes mainly to women in the UK but also chandaliers and modern lighting.
Willy
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Hi Flopitdown, maybe you have disappeared already. This thread is several months old already. But i might add a few remarks and hope that they are received in the manner they are intended.
Everyone of us on this website have had our own troubles with women and relationships. Most of us are older guys with a vast amount of "life experience." Much of that experience came at high costs financially and emotionally. We were all looking for someone who is different than our cultural women. That is why Asian women.
Let me be the devil's advocate here for the woman. Please try to understand the woman's point of view of what you offer. You are in your mid 40's, single, and childless. These are all pluses to a woman in her early 30's-mid 40's. You have a job that is "insecure", which means that the bottom can fall out with the change in direction of the wind, that is a serious red flag for a woman. Flopit...women, if i might politely say it...are hardwired for financial security. Chinese women are not only hardwired...their terminals are also soldered. You can not discount or glaze over this point. Her "Face value" must be maintained. If she were to marry you she understands that there is a real possibility you might not be able to put food on the table or shelter against cold winds of winter. She doesn't speak Deutsch so it might takes years for her to pickup the lingo. Austrians can be very snooty in their behavior to non german speaking people. You have no home that you own or have a mortgage on with equity built up. That is why these girls ask these questions. It is exactly what you think it is...a financial fitness interview. She needs to know that she is provided for and won't have to come back years latter to her hometown and "lose huge face". It is a serious problem for the Chinese. It is not like the western society where a man got caught with his pants down with his wife's girlfriend. That would be a disaster. But not as bad in Chinese culture of marrying a poor foreigner who couldn't feed his wife and she had to go home to survive. She also understands that since you are a freelancer and work out of your apartment that you have no retirement pension coming. I am assuming this from an American perspective. Perhaps you have been paying into some sort of private retirement fund...if so, I salute you. If you are not, I implore you to begin doing that immediately. Lastly, your ideas of moving into a quaint village is appealing to your nature and understood. But to the Chinese woman...or women in general...it is the kiss of death for them. Chinese mentality is that small villages of a 1000 people are rural = farm life. It might not be true that it is farm life at that altitude of 300-400 meters...but that will be her perception. Women always want to look and feel good about their lives. Which means clothing, cosmetics, decent places to shop at, nice place to walk in the evenings, some sort of sport activities, cultural events not associated with drinking large amounts of beer and eating greasy bits of animals shoved into an animal casing (excuse me for this latitude in my observation of Oktoberfest...i digress), and all of the things associated with large cities. A small rural village in Austria would be about as appealing to her as same size village in the outback of Australia, or the Congo, or wheat farmer in Kansas. Austria is a beautiful country so please do not misread my thoughts. I am trying to explain how a woman would see it. Women almost always would prefer the city life over the rural life. Try to understand that most of China was a "farmer" mentality before the Communist events took place. Now everyone who is not in a big city is trying to find a way out. They do not want to marry a foreigner and move back to a farm life. I know you are not a farmer. But her mentality ...her perception...is that this is a step backwards and, once again, "loss of face".
Flopit...i am not trying to be cruel to you. You seem like a good person. I am an animal lover too. I have a big arse German Shephard. Smarter than most teenagers i know. I corresponded for months with a very lovely lady in Shenzhen. It was getting pretty serious between us and i was ready to visit her. She finally came out and said it to me..."if you want to marry me the dog has to go"...or the second statement..."if we marry the dog can not come in the house." So, i politely explained to her that it would kill my dog to have either one of these options happen. I could not do that to him..EVER. So, we parted ways as friends. So, i respect your thoughts about cats. They are your family. But many women can not be expected to compete with that many cats or tolerate the presence of cats everywhere.
I hope you can at least understand a woman's perspective a little better. I do not think i am too far off of the mark on this point of view. I believe that is why you are struggling to find someone. It is not really about your looks or personality. It is closer to financial state and where you want to set up house. Secondly, you are in your mid 40's. If you were to father a child in the next day or so...it would put you into almost your late 60's to get young Johnny through the university level. Couple that with "insecure" income and you can understand why the younger women who have a child or want a child are backing away. Flopit, I think some of the advice about moving to China and practicing your trade there might be a better choice for you. You can also look into teaching language through ESL courses. It doesn't fit your mode of thought of a small village environment. In America...and I am sure in any culture there is a similar statement..."you have to play the cards you are dealt with"...take stock of who you are and what you are...and deal with it in your best way. I think it is good advice. You can choose to live alone, with your four cats, and insecure income. Or you can change your cards and get a new hand. Another old adage that i have used in my personal life and many of the men here did also..."the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again...and expect a different outcome!" What you are doing isn't working. So, reflect, ponder, and examine your life and then make a conscious decision on what path to walk. Life is a great teacher. Everyone on this forum have had our teeth kicked in at one time or another. Life will visit you with the same lessons over and over again until you learn it or you die. Wish you fair winds at your back. You will be happier person and feel less frustration if you look at what you really offer to a woman and make some changes....or God blesses you with one in a million woman who is looking exactly what you are offering. But i no longer put my 2 dollars into the lotto every week. Just throwing money out of the window mentality. Good Luck...and i mean it.