China Romance
All About China => Understanding Chinese Women => Topic started by: Ed W on August 09, 2009, 04:59:58 pm
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Before I met and married my wife I had read as much as I possibly could to understand her better. Some of you may have followed or read my blog about when we were in the hotel she'd do lots of little things for me but it was fairly tame and I was just trying to get used to it. When we decided to stay at her place is when she kicked into high gear and was seemingly there for my every need and then some. For most this would feel very uncomfortable and out of balance so I tried to get her to stop doing so much for me. BAD IDEA. If she starts doing somethig for you, let her do it or you'll be in big trouble really fast. There are many ways you can mess up the system if you try to stop her. The sense of duty is just too strong. I found by watching her daily routine I could do things for her that she'd do everyday;ie, filling the water filter, straightening out the shoes, make the bed... you just have to beat her to it but cant overdo it (and i'm hoping maxx will put that part about the housework and his wife in this thread) or you'll upset her.
But today my wife and I were talking about work and her moving before I arrive so we will be in a private place as well as her daughter will be able to stay with her more often. For a couple weeks now I've been trying to prepare her for some aspects of coming to america regarding work and have told her that at some point I'd be asking her to quit her job and study english full-time before the interview. Well, I tell her this again, and i've found that unless she can explain back to me what I've been telling her that it's likely she didnt get it. She tells me that her job is depressing and she's unmotivated to go but will becuase she does not want to be the burden on me. She's said this before and she means it. Today after she tells me she's depressed about her job she asks me, yes! she asked me, if she could quit her job. I asked her if she could survive on 1600 rmb per month since the place she was talking about was only 600 rmb. She gets this really cute look on her face, almost that look of innocence, and says she might be the greedy wife and asks if she could have 2000. I had to keep from laughing since she can take this as making fun of her and I tell her we will budget for 1600 and more would be extra. You might be thinking that any western woman would be going crazy by now because she assumes its a done deal. Not so with my wife. She gives me more details about the new place, it's location, her attending english school full-time, how she can spend her time decorating the home for us. that was work too. So in the end I said, "Ok. give the notice to resign from the job." That's when the huge smile came over her face.
The reason i mention this is even before we married she was telling me that she intended to always work so she wouldnt be the burden on me and has always stuck by this. I thought it would be really hard to change her mind since her sense of duty was so strong about not being a burden but I dont know if the moon and stars were aligned, that finally she understood how my government wont want her to expect to work when she comes here but she really perked up when I mentioned she could decorate the home and make it happy for us. I think her sense of duty isnt entirely hardwired into a particular set but she will allow herself to replace one duty for another. But also when I mentioned that taking care of the home is work too seemed to allow her to feel she was still contributing to the family. Maybe someone has a different spin on this but it's the impression i got during this discussion.
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You are handleing that very well Ed , just don't SPOIL her too much .
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ED,
Now that's what i call an interesting post, Your pointing out the things that a western man wouldn't come across with marrying a western woman. It's taken me 3 years so far, to get Lucy to think along the lines of a marriage being a 50/50 relationship. I still haven't got there yet, but slowly ,slowly were getting there.
When we were first together, she told me that a Chinese wife always follows her husband, ...meaning the husband was the boss and the woman followed. Simple equation one might first think, It's not!! Then you have to add into that equation, that the woman is the boss of all household matters like caring for the family, health of the family, taking control of household money, washing ,ironing, cleaning,cooking, etc, etc, etc!! Plus a few other bib's and bob's, ...It doesn't take too long for you to realise, what the husband is boss of, .....Not much is the real answer, not if you let the above mentioned areas stay as they are.......
I'll be writing a post based on the above, in the next couple of days or so.
Again, enjoyed reading this post, i hope you tell us more of your wives ways and her version of a wife's duties in marriage...
David....
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I ran across that 50-50 problem. The Chinese ladies are not into it at all. When I suggested that was the way I saw marriage I was told that I lead and she looks after me according to my wishes.
We did agree that we would discuss things but she said that she would never give a definate answer but leave the final decision up to me.
Willy
Hey David how come you have a reputation of 2 and I have no reputation at all??? Is it because I am always talking B******s.
Willy
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Angel has had a tremendous time decorating our "home". I have seen her smile so much when she tells me what she did that day to make our home ready for me to arrive. She has a tremendous work ethic that her parents instilled in her. I really admire that. Anyway she loves her job as a surgical nurse and wants to do it when she gets here. She goes to work at 7 AM, then English school each night for two hours then home at about 9:30 pm. Takes her shower and gets online with me until she goes to bed at 11 PM. Then back online with me at 6:30 AM and her day starts all over again. With only one "rest" day each week. And she does say the same thing that she does not want to be a burden on me. You have to love a woman like that. Right Ed? Damn we are lucky guys.
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Willy ....
Pass, i didn't even notice i had 2 till you just mentioned it , i thought it was still one!!.
I must be getting popular, hahaha!!
David....
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Ya David, I got a long way to go for equality but I do fairly well to keep it kind of balance. if you could call it that. haha.
Willy, I dont know if it'l ever be 50/50. I might die before i get there.
JimB, your sooooo right. Do I deserve such a wonderful woman? I'll be asking myself that for a lifetime at least.
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I can not remember how many times I have asked myself that question ? How do I deserve such a wonderful Wife ?
We might never find out why , in this Lifetime , but there will be a time we will . We must have done something right , somewhere .
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Willy
Hey David how come you have a reputation of 2 and I have no reputation at all??? Is it because I am always talking B******s.
Willy
So Willy, I see how this rating thing works now. You moan and you get a reputation of 2.:icon_cheesygrin:
So then my question is why does Willy have 2 and I have 1?:angel:
No, really contratz Willie!!!
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Hey Willy,
Your as popular as i am now ..... hahaha!!
Think I'll try playing your game Willy, ...... Hey Arnold, .... How come you have a reputation of 4 and i've only got 2 ????
chuckle ,chuckle!!!!
David.....
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Ed, sorry to hijack but the reputation rating was just too funny. Guys we really do want to hear your stories. So please, keep posting that is how we learn.
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ED, Willy,
Getting back to the 50/50 thing. I don't think it's a case of actually acheiving equality, in all things. It's more a case of trying to get them to see, that there shouldn't be any set boundaries, and if one or the other wants to help you, accept it as a normal everyday thing. I'm pretty much use to being indepenant, so i like a bit of space at times, so is Lucy. It's never going to get to that 50/50, in a way i don't want it too, but when i want to help, i will do and Lucy is OK with that on the whole these days now, ....but Boy, has it taken some time to get where we are now....
David....
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Just a thought guys, did any of you 'talk' to your ladies about sharing workload etc...That was one of the things I spoke to her about,...?
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Rob,
What do you mean by workload?? Explain yourself!! lol!!
David .....
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Rob if you mean sharing the house work? Yes, we have talked about it. If you mean if she wants to work after she is here? Then Yes again.
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Haha, Zhou told me we would have a beautifull home if I helped, I tried but it seems men can't clean anything right LOL, as far as working a job, Zhou is a teacher here, she said when she first moved here she didn't want to be a house dog, she wanted to work.
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For David .
I brought two with me from Facebook . Hahaha
What happened ? Did you loose your's ?
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Arnold,
No, i didn't have any to lose. In fact i thought i only had one , until willy started complaining about me having two. Someone must have snuck one in while i wasn't looking ...hahaha!!
David....
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Haha, Zhou told me we would have a beautifull home if I helped, I tried but it seems men can't clean anything right LOL, as far as working a job, Zhou is a teacher here, she said when she first moved here she didn't want to be a house dog, she wanted to work.
LOL. Just before going to China and marrying my wife I asked about the red envelopes and she told me that since I'm not Chinese that I can't understand it and left it at that. Of course it kinda pissed me off since she's not allowing me to understand but I couldnt help but laugh at this since my wife is kinda like that. She'll say one thing but when it comes down to it, she really doesn't want the help to begin with.
The other day I started this thread with the story of her being depressed about work and so on. So yesterday I asked her how she feels about work and says she's happy with it. I asked if she was still depressed and she says she's ok with it now. I was a bit confused but then I thought back about when the students tell her that she was cheated since I hadnt started the visa process yet and she was upset with me about that, the agreement was we repay our debt to her mother before we started it, and a couple days after that I asked her and she says she doesnt worry about it and it doesnt matter. Again, im quite confused but it's starting to make sense. Sometimes it just seems like she needs to vent her feelings just to get em off her chest. She may not mean them but something compells her to say it anyway. As if it's necessary to move on.
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Haha, Zhou told me we would have a beautifull home if I helped, I tried but it seems men can't clean anything right LOL, as far as working a job, Zhou is a teacher here, she said when she first moved here she didn't want to be a house dog, she wanted to work.
LOL. Just before going to China and marrying my wife I asked about the red envelopes and she told me that since I'm not Chinese that I can't understand it and left it at that. Of course it kinda pissed me off since she's not allowing me to understand but I couldnt help but laugh at this since my wife is kinda like that. She'll say one thing but when it comes down to it, she really doesn't want the help to begin with.
The other day I started this thread with the story of her being depressed about work and so on. So yesterday I asked her how she feels about work and says she's happy with it. I asked if she was still depressed and she says she's ok with it now. I was a bit confused but then I thought back about when the students tell her that she was cheated since I hadnt started the visa process yet and she was upset with me about that, the agreement was we repay our debt to her mother before we started it, and a couple days after that I asked her and she says she doesnt worry about it and it doesnt matter. Again, im quite confused but it's starting to make sense. Sometimes it just seems like she needs to vent her feelings just to get em off her chest. She may not mean them but something compells her to say it anyway. As if it's necessary to move on.
Ed, my wife will go off on the smallest things some times but all she is doing is blowing off steam sometimes and other times she is really angry with me for something so I listen to every thing she is angry about, when she is blowing steam, the next day is like nothing has happened, if it was something I did or didn't do she will still be upset but will still do things for me as she reminds me of what was wrong but then that is the end of it, no hearing of it for the next 20 years.
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MM,
no hearing of it for the next 20 years.
He said, crossing his fingers, ...his toes, ....his legs, ... for that sort after LUCK!! hahaha!!
David.....
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You saying the truth brother and crossing some other things too, I don't need that shi...stuff again my ex used to bring stuff up from 10 years ago when she was mad, haha, she still is, mad I mean, come to think of it she is still bringing up stuff.
Zhou says something about what it was for a day or two and lets it go really, I'm not used to this.
and the fact that while she in angry with me she still takes very good care of me
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and the fact that while she in angry with me she still takes very good care of me
I need to have a talk with Zhou , after she get's back . Enough is enough . She needs to know some thing's .:icon_cheesygrin:
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Gee, not holding onto it for 20 years? I wouldn't know what to do. Of course I was constantly accused for the bad thoughts she had about herself. Someone had to plant them there.
The only thing I got right in my previous marriage was when she got real mad at me, SHE slept on the couch. Hehe! And I am not kidding either.
Wait a minute... she made that decision not me... I take it back, I didn't get anything right!!!!!
Chinese women look better and better all the time.
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Now Arnold, you don't want me telling your Qing about all the young Chinese girls you been seen with in Cali. now would you? hahaha.
I like things just the way they are thank you.
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I like things just the way they are thank you.
Are you sure Michael ? You know , we are here to help you .:angel:
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Arnold, I'mmmmm telllliiinnnnn!!!!
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Ed, my wife will go off on the smallest things some times but all she is doing is blowing off steam sometimes and other times she is really angry with me for something so I listen to every thing she is angry about, when she is blowing steam, the next day is like nothing has happened, if it was something I did or didn't do she will still be upset but will still do things for me as she reminds me of what was wrong but then that is the end of it, no hearing of it for the next 20 years.
Michael, that's what my late Hungarian wife used to tell me - that if she can't be angry with me, who is she going to be angry at. I really liked being that person for her. Almost always she was upbeat and full of enthusiasm when she was around her friends and family, but sometimes, afterwards she was spent, and she could just be herself when she was at home with me. It's good when you feel comfortable around each other in that way, like the way it sounds you are. It seems you really trust and have confidence in each other.
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Go ahead Michael , things are a little boring now . This will show me , how far Qing's " Sense of Duty " goes .
You might loose a Member , due to an unfortunate accident . Being greeted at Pudong Airport by an Hit-man instead of my Sweetheart .
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UUmmmm, okay , I can't do it, how could I do that to a brother?
Hey Martin, how about it ?, I still have those dumplings :icon_cheesygrin:
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haha. i think he was referring to his wifee getting the hitman. LOL.
you guys are brutal! :icon_cheesygrin:
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You right Ed , that is exactly what I meant . She wants me to take care of myself ... yes ... but not that way , with young Girl's . I wouldn't mind to have all the 12 Girl's Band here at my house though . That would be okay . She knows I can't handle more than one anyway . Hahaha
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Willy
Hey David how come you have a reputation of 2 and I have no reputation at all??? Is it because I am always talking B******s.
Willy
So Willy, I see how this rating thing works now. You moan and you get a reputation of 2.:icon_cheesygrin:
So then my question is why does Willy have 2 and I have 1?:angel:
No, really contratz Willie!!!
At first i thought that they felt sorry for me now I qualify for a free bus pass. But then I thought my latest girl thinks I am so cool - so why stop at just 2 :icon_cool:
Willy