JUST FOR A LAUGH

[RobertBfrom aust]

 
 
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'   
 
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

 
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to  the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep  them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?  I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'   
 

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

 
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!  There was  the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

 
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.  'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over
 
--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

 
 

[shaun]

I was look at a site in China and using google translator.   The site is about babies, baby boys specifically, There was a blog area and here is the English translation for one of the threads;

Nappy supplies, baby winter is not red ass

Laughed my head off. Peggy was listening but I could not explain it to her.

Imagine a DJ saying THAT on a radio...

[David E]

A really funny clip...

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

[Pineau]

 Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously in the...
http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=58221

[Scottish_Robbie]

www.conjunctivitus.com







Now there's a site for sore eyes !!!

[David E]

Blonde Bimbo, in need of a change of car , walks into a used car yard and complains to the slick salesman.."I really want to change my car, but everything here is so expensive...I only have $5000 "

Salesman responds.."dont worry luv, I have something here that may interest you, it has many, many dents from hail damage, but they can easily be fixed and the price is only $5000"

Blonds expersses great interest in this dented , but otherwise perfect, late-model car.

"But how can I fix all these dents ??" she asked.

Salesman says "Its easy luv, when you get home, just take a deep breath and blow hard up the exhaust pipe...all the dents will just pop out..no worries"...blond say  "WOW, that sounds easy, I'll take it.

Next morning she is puffing and blowing up the exhaust pipe trying to get the dents out and is getting very hot and bothered because it does not seem to be working........

Her neighbor...who is also Blonde, leans over the fence and enquires "What are you doing ??"

1st blond explains the story..........

2nd blonde say........

"Well, I can see how that is NEVER going to work, you must be stupid...

You've left the windows open !!!

[Okie_Rob]

THE NEGLIGEE


On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.  She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I  do.  You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right.  Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said.  So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.  What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission  Accomplished."
 

[Pineau]

You cant make this stuff up.

[shaun]

So I take it we are not suppose to be shaving rugs when driving either.  Let me see if I've got this.  No drinking alcoholic beverages, texting, or shaving rugs while driving a moving vehicle.  Did I miss any?  I hope they don't outlaw drinking coffee while driving. 

[john1964]

A  Somalian arrives in  Sydney as a  new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
 
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
 
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a  beautiful country here in Australia'
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Syria!'
 
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I  from Iran , I am not from Australia!'
 
He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am  from Africa!'
 
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
 
The African lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at  work'

[Philip]

A +
"The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pl...easure of enjoying it as well.   Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?   Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.   One student, however, wrote the following:   First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.   As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.   With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.   This gives two possibilities:   1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.   2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.   So which is it?   If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.   The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."   THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"See more
by: Brad Wodiske
.

[shaun]

That is like the time I was writing a long essay of one of my final exams in college.  I was trying to put a little fill in the essay so I wrote the following.  You are crazy if you are reading all of the essays that are being written in the course Geology 101.  All this is, is a course about a bunch of f*****g rocks.

When I got my paper back there was a huge F in red along with a note on it.  For your information I am not crazy but one of my grad students did bring this paper to my attention.  Fortunately that grade didn't reflect in my final grade and we became good friends.

[Pineau]

I am talking with a friend Steve from work. He told me he was having a religious discussion with his young daughter.  Now Steve is an atheist but is giving his daughter the opportunity to investigate and choose her own belief's.  After making the offer to his daughter she declined and said that she was not interested. Then Steve asked her " Aren't you curious? Don't you want to know where everything comes from?" 

Nope,  was her answer. I have heard you and mom talking and I already know that everything comes from China.

True story.

[Scottish_Robbie]

Got offered a job tonight.....Hod carrier....for lego

Anyone start on me I will get my big brother onto you...his name is Tom....Tom Thumb.

Nearly broke my leg bloody tap dancing...I fell in the sink 

Was very lucky yesterday...was crossing the road when this Racing car came heading right at me...Run over me it did...Bloody thing missed the top of my head by inches...

My favourite things in the whole world...

Tv program..........Little house on the Prairie
Movie..................Incredible shrinking man
Book...................Little Women.........My little Pony, except for me it was My Big Pony

Jobs offered to me

Train Driver............Hornby
Car Driver..............Scaletrix
Model for...............Action Mans clothes
Builder...................Model 'Toy' Houses

I Live in a Wendy house....

[David E]

didn't know where to put this...but needed to put it somewhere !!!

http://www.maxfarquar.com/2011/05/latest-deadbin-laden-video-release/