JUST FOR A LAUGH

[john1964]

Ha ha ha ha , too funny

[john1964]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".

The boss scratches his head and says"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Irishman stares into space some more then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"  The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[Robertt S]

[Martin]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony b ooks on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

[john1964]

 

[Willy The Londoner]

The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce AND THEY ARE AMERICAN! Least said I think.
 
Willy

[Vince G]

Thanks for the laugh

[shaun]

Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce AND THEY ARE AMERICAN! Least said I think.

Willy, you might want to re-read number 4.   I'm just sayin'.....    Least said I think!!!

[Vince G]

I'll add one more to that list Willy, true story told to me by one of the cops. 8 year old boy in NY city gets picked up by the police for gun possession (pistol). After getting booked and released to his parents he asked "when can I have my gun back?"

[Willy The Londoner]

Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce AND THEY ARE AMERICAN! Least said I think.

Willy, you might want to re-read number 4.   I'm just sayin'.....    Least said I think!!!

Ok but I figured that zimbadians and swiss (no. 2) have same brain as Americans so I let them slip through.  But of course I am not refering to Native Americans just the johnny come latelys and their offspings.

[shaun]

Hmmm......

1. A Cambridge man was arrested in September after falling asleep on the job. The burglar stuffed items into a pillow case before deciding to neck a bottle of wine and have a nap on the sofa. He was found some time later by the homeowner who promptly called the cops. “After trying to rouse him we charged him with attempted burglary,” said the police.

2.  Another Brit who made a schoolboy error while trying to get his hands on some spoils was Scarborough man, who tried to hold up a shop while wearing a motorcycle helmet as a disguise. The only problem was that across the front of his helmet his name was printed in large letters.

3. A break-in suspect was arrested after falling through the ceiling of a London sandwich shop. The robber, who must have been really hungry, was found by police after the alarm went off and was charged with two counts of breaking and entering as he fell through the roof of a neighbouring shop too.

4. Michael Harper was “permanently disfigured” (in exactly what way, we will leave to your imagination) after a blast at an electricity substation in Leicester, central England. Harper and his co-idiot, Richard Boyce, were there to steal metal from the station (and, time permitting, do a little heroin). Michael had to stop mid-theft to relieve himself, but made the mistake of streaming his flow onto the station's transformer, thereby creating an explosion that blacked out over 2000 homes and businesses in the area.

5. Birmingham, England
A local man stormed into a local bank demanding all the cash tellers had on hand. When security windows began to go up as he reached over the counter, the criminal decided he had better make a run for it. For nearly ten minutes he tried to escape through the door from whence he came, however it simply would not budge. Figuring that the doors had been automatically locked, the man resigned himself to being arrested. As police escorted him from the bank, he noticed on the door in bright red letters the word PULL.

6. Birmingham, England
A local man stormed into a local bank demanding all the cash tellers had on hand. When security windows began to go up as he reached over the counter, the criminal decided he had better make a run for it. For nearly ten minutes he tried to escape through the door from whence he came, however it simply would not budge. Figuring that the doors had been automatically locked, the man resigned himself to being arrested. As police escorted him from the bank, he noticed on the door in bright red letters the word PULL.

7.  England
An English bank robber planned the perfect heist. Every detail was perfectly orchestrated; the ideal robbery time, the type of gun to use, a place to hide the loot, a getaway route and car, and even a reliable accomplice. After robbing the bank, the man left with the money in a bag over his left shoulder. As he approached the spot of the getaway car, his accomplice promptly ran him over.

8. Britain
In the trial of six men charged with attempting Britain's biggest cash robbery, prosecuting attorney Guy Boney told the court that the group forced an armored car, carrying over 18 million dollars, into a wooded area. The sextet then used high-powered torches to open it. Boney also noted that the torches set off "a horrendously expensive bonfire" that turned over 2 million dollars into ashes, causing the men to flee.

[Willy The Londoner]

Good try Shaun BUT

Looked into all these cases and 4 were committed by American on hard times following the massive unemployment 2 were I understand Canadians who I thought would have behaved better in the mother land and 1 was a Scots man (well we don't expect any different from them).

So that makes 7 - well one of your stories was a New Yorker, so good you had to tell it twice. 

Willy

[shaun]

Hahaha Willy.  Spoken like a politician. 

[john1964]

My mate just called me from Thailand and told me that he'd had his first ladyboy experience. I said "Sorry?" He said "I was having a beer in a bar and we got chatting. She looked like a lady, she walked like a lady and she spoke like a lady". "So how did you know she wasn't a lady?" I asked. "When we drove back to the hotel and 'she' reversed the car into the parking space on the first attempt, I knew I'd stuffed up".
--
I can't stand those winging people who bleat on about how bad off they are. My mate Steve is brill, he had a bad car accident and lost his voice and both his legs, but do you think he makes a song and dance about it...?
--
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there". The guy thinks 'Great, they think the dog did it'. He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"

[Scottish_Robbie]

MALE SESATIVITY !!! HAHAHA

n an attempt to embrace "new" thinking a husband accompanies his 3 month pregnant wife to the ante natal clinic. The nurse tells the wife "you must not stagnate during you pregnancy. You should take mild exercise as shown in the leaflet I will give you. These will not only keep you active but they will help with the eventual birth".
Turning to the husband she says "You must help and support your wife with this by doing these exercises with her".
"Right" replied the husband.
"Now diet" continues the nurse, "You must eat only healthy foods which will not only nourrish baby but also ensure you dont gain too much unwanted weight. Again your husband should support you by joining in with this".
"Right" said the husband
"Lastly" continues the nurse "Walking is very good for you, especially on soft surfaces such as grass and again you husband should accompany you to give you encouragement and support".
Husband gives the nurse a quizical look................then says.............
"These walks, would it be okay if she carries a golf bag?"