Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 278690 times)

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Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1050 on: March 14, 2012, 06:47:27 am »
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, so I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed:-

At first I was afraid......then I was petrified.....

.( Think about it )

The wife has been missing for a week now , the police said to prepare for the worst:-

So went back to the Charity Shop to get her clothes back.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay flowers on a grave,whilst there I noticed 4 grave diggers

walking around carrying a coffin, an hour later they were still walking around with it :-

I thought to myself , " They've lost the plot"

My friend starts a new job in Seoul next week:-

He thought it was a good Korea move.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1051 on: March 14, 2012, 11:33:57 am »
An old lady went to the chemist and asked if she could speak to the pharmacist in private, once she was in the small private room she whispered,

Do you have viagra here ?,

yes we do said the pharmacist the lady leaned in a little closer and whispered ,

does it work ?,

yes said the pharmacist

it does,

the lady whispered, and can you get it over the counter ?,

I can if I take two replied the pharmacist,
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1052 on: March 15, 2012, 11:56:02 am »
He said to me,,,,,,,,,,I dont know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him.............You wear pants don't you?

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Should we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him.............That's a good idea - you stand by the sink and stove while I sit on the sofa and

do nothing
He said to me,,,,,,,,,,What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him.............Tuen sideways and look in the mirror.

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him.............They don't have time.

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
I said to him.............They already have boyfriends.

He said to me,,,,,,,,,,Why are married women heavier than single woman?
I said to him.............Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed, married women see whats in the bed and then go to the fridge.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1053 on: March 16, 2012, 03:47:18 am »
Hi Robbie

Does Bad Jokes and Suicide come into the same sentence anywhere? :P

Ha Ha  ;D

Willy
Willy The Lpndoner

Now in my 12th year living here,

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1054 on: March 17, 2012, 08:05:55 pm »
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bast*rd," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy and you explain the kids."
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1055 on: March 20, 2012, 06:12:11 am »
A BLOND JOKE !!!

As the trucker stops for a red light on the A12 a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The Trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignors her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they have never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" As the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next lights. Where he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it he says..................

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the bloody gritter............................."
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1056 on: March 20, 2012, 07:51:43 am »
A blonde went to Heaven and waited at the Pearly Gates for St Peter,
He arrived and said they had so many goodly souls arriving, they had been forced to put up an entrance exam.
Thats cool said the blonde, what does it consist of,?
Just three questions, said St Peter.

1) Which two days of the week start with the letter T
2) How many seconds are there in a year
3) What was the name of the Swag-Man in Waltzing Matilda
Now go away and think about the questions and when I call you I shall want the answers
The following morning St Peter called the blonde and asked her for the answers.
Right which two days of the week start with a letter T,
the blonde replied Today and Tomorrow,
St Peter thought about this and decided that the answer could be applied to the question.
Next, how many seconds in a year,
Twelve the blonde replied, only twelve said St Peter, how do you get that,
easy said the blonde,second of january,second of february right through to the second of december.
12 Seconds , St Peter looked at the blonde and walked away to think about this, when he returned he allowed the answer, but said, you must get the third question absolutely correct to be allowed into heaven
The blonde said , Oh I found the third question the easiest.
Really said St Peter , so, what is the answer.
Its Andy, said the blonde,
This totaly floored St Peter, finally he asked her how she arrived at THAT answer.
She replied,
Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy Boiled.

The Blonde entered Heaven !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing is also, Now you are singing it to yourself.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1057 on: March 22, 2012, 01:25:37 pm »
Last night I was sitting in the lounge and talking to my partner about life. In between we talked about the idea of living and dying.
I told hier"Darling, never let me live in a vegetative state totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die.

My partner got up from the sofa with this look of admiration towards me......and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, The dish, The DVD, the computer, the mobile phone, the IPOD and the XBox. He then went to the bar and threw away all my brandy, rum, vodka and wine in the fridge....

I ALMOST DIED

Morals:

1) Think about what you wish for
2) The female brain works in a different wavelength from the male's.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline shaun

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1058 on: March 22, 2012, 09:42:15 pm »
He went?   Dare I ask, Gay couple?

Offline RobertBfrom aust

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1059 on: March 23, 2012, 01:32:18 am »
No Shaun , just a happy couple ha ha ,  ::) ::) ;D
Now it is early to bed and late to rise .
My QQ is   1994376895
For electronics and books etc , check out , www.bopads.info

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1060 on: March 23, 2012, 05:05:45 am »
He went?   Dare I ask, Gay couple?

haha robert ;D ;D ;D

no shaun.  just my typing forgot to put the S in front of the 'he'...sorry ;D ;D ;D
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1061 on: March 23, 2012, 05:31:47 am »
Robbie I think it is time you got back to writimg that book. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Willy
Willy The Lpndoner

Now in my 12th year living here,

Offline Scottish_Robbie

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1062 on: March 26, 2012, 03:43:28 am »
EVEN ANIMALS ARE AT IT ;D ;D ;D

hree little ducks go into a bar,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Say what's your name?" the bartender asked Duck 1... "Huey," was the reply.
"Hows your day been, Huey?"

"Great, Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh thats nice," said the bartender.

He turned to Duck 2..........."Hi, and whats your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from Duck 2.

"So how's your day been, Dewey" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball to. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes,

"My name is Puddles." :D :D :D
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" Winston Churchill

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1063 on: March 29, 2012, 06:49:31 am »
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a southerner a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 to 53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maƮtre d' "but you can't come in here without a Thai".

Offline Martin

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1064 on: March 29, 2012, 08:56:01 am »
Grandma is  eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.  She   writes: 


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to  our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus'  bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day  because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed  by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and  put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting  experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a  busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how  good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he  hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots  of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy  behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his  window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for  Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out  my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I  heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw  another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle  finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage  grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was  probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I  have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and  gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst  out laughing.

Why even he was en joy ing this religious  experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the  joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started  walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what  church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had  changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and  sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed  that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before  the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to  leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed  the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian  good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for  such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,  Grandma