JUST FOR A LAUGH

[RobertBfrom aust]

WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM


A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, Super Cheap Auto, BCF, or any other Blokey type shop. This one


caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has


turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works:


Two nice-looking, uni-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping


your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost fallingout of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look). When you


thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the


way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th,


16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.


Cheap as Chips has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the Salvo???s and bought them out of all of their stock in three of


their stores.


Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before


lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Robertt S]

 

[RobertBfrom aust]

How do you get a blue eye in a pub....
 







Walked into a pub last night, there were 2 large girls drinking at the counter,
noticed they had strange accents so I asked them “ Hi are you 2 girls from Scotland ?”
One of them then screamed at me “its Wales you idiot, Wales !!”

 So I immediately apologized and said “ are you 2 whales from Scotland ?”

[john1964]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying "God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa".

The father asked "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do". The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this "God bless mummy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma". The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father "this kid is in contact with the other side".

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mummy and good-bye daddy".

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just had the worst day of my life". She said "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[john1964]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know" Harold says "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while". "Well, I can oblige" says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".

[RobertBfrom aust]

CHINESE HURRYMOON
 
 A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
 
 On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her
 husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
 
 "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
 frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss
 anyting you want. You juss ask.
 Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which
 he hopes will impress her.
 
 A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
 
 She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard
 about from other girls .... Nummbaa 69". 

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a
 puzzled tone he asks her...
 
 "You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa from menu?"

[john1964]

  ha ha , verry verry funny, I nearry pisshed my pants 

[RobertBfrom aust]

Better than a Flu Shot!   

  Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all..

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

  seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old  Hammond  organ,the young 

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated, of   all

things,a condom!
When she returned

With tea and scones,they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
 

[Vince G]

Interesting

[JamesM.Roberts]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Wrong email address ( Brilliant )

 



 























A  Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband leftGlasgow and flew to  Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot down here!
 

[RobertBfrom aust]

    A Perfect Husband
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
    A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free
    speaker function and begins to talk.
 
    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes."
    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and
    found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
    Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it
    that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and
    saw the new models.
    I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$90,000."
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to
    Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
    back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
    They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
    eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
    The man hangs up.
    The other men in the locker room are staring
    at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
    He turns and asks,
    "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[JamesM.Roberts]

Love in the......WHAT!??!

Ping is always giving me a hard time-Calling and asking me if I'm watching "American sex T.V.?" She says as a good Chinese Lady she would not like to watch such programs. So when I ran across these the other day on Shanghaist, I had to send them to her. These are original movie posters for a movie out right now in China. Seems someone made a unfortunate choice in fonts the movie's name is ......Love in the buff
What do you see when you read them??  Seems were not the only ones obsessed

[Willy The Londoner]

Me I could Love her in the Buff (or the Butt) she is a regular on series here.

Agh well - just dreamimng of the good old days.   

Willy

[Sylvain D]

Dentist Pulls All Ex's Teeth Out; Anna Mackowiak Faces Jail Time

This is a recent news in fact :
Breaking up is never easy -- having 32 teeth ripped out is even worse.

A scorned dentist is facing jail time after surgically removing all of her ex-boyfriend's teeth after he dumped her, authorities in London said.

Marek Olszewski, 45, made the mistake of scheduling an appointment this week with his ex -- 34-year-old Anna Mackowiak -- for a toothache, according to the Daily Mail.

So Mackowiak allegedly did what any burned lover with a set of pliers and some anesthetic would do: she doped him up, pulled out all his teeth, and wrapped his head with bandages so he wouldn't notice until he left her office.

"I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," she told the news site. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'"

Olszewski could tell something was wrong when he awoke and couldn't feel any teeth in his mouth. But he said Mackowiak assured him that he'd be fine once the numbness wore off, NDTV reported.

"I didn't have any reason to doubt her -- I mean I thought she was a professional," he said.

He was wrong.

"But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn't f--king believe it," he said. "The b--ch had emptied my mouth."

Worse, Olszewski's new girlfriend dumped him because, well, she couldn't date a man without any teeth, the Daily Telegraph reported.

Mackowiak is under investigation for medical malpractice and abusing the trust of a patient. She could face three years in jail for the alleged stunt. Olszewski plans on saving money to get "indents or something."


**** end ****
When reading it at first, I ask myself : why did the guy have to go to see his ex for his teeths? I would NEVER do that, even if some of my ex can be nice with me.
I just can imagine now some jokes about it /
 "say Cheese" or "smile" ^^
No more pain now to the teeths, just because no more teeth.
eh you got a good price, 32 teeths off, instead one. Don't be angry, you should be luck I don't ask you to pay some more...



I can remember another "crazy" story, I think it was in England, too. A woman cut her ex's sex and put it to the bin, just because there was something wrong between them...
so, can man guess he should be careful now with his wife and beware of his ex?