JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JamesM.Roberts]

Breaking up is never easy -- having 32 teeth ripped out is even worse.

I can one up that one.....This man was lucky!
Shortly after my divorce was finalized. My Ex contacted me telling me how she had contracted a STD ( I knew she had cheated on me-leading to our split) So off to the local Health clinic I go. Almost needless to say, but I checked out fine. Just a little traumatized from the 4 inch swab going where a 4 inch swab should NEVER go.  Well played Ex........well played (looking back I can laugh-  at the time-would've rather had my teeth pulled)

[john1964]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!" The drunk muttered in response "Well, f#*k me!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[David E]

This isnt really funny...but dont know where else to put it to share with you:

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired"
"I'm 76 and Tired" )
 
This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in   Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand  and
to all the world...
 
"I'm 76 and I'm Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and  I'm tired. Very tired. 
 
I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.     
   
I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I
can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and
daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight
offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't
"believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning
teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the
genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and
Shari'a law tells them to. 
   
I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let
Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques
and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand ,
UK, America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to
fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other
Arab country to teach love and tolerance..   
 
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?
 
I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor. 
 
I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's be-deck themselves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.
 
Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children.   Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.
 

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

This is your chance to make a difference.


" I'm 76 and I'm tired.    If you don't forward this you
are part of  the problem".
 

[Vince G]

I'm not even going to waste time checking this but I Doubt Bill Cosby wrote this. It's not his character at least in public. He doesn't have the balls to say this.

[Robertt S]

Personally, I do not care if that was written by Pee Wee Herman, it is still the truth. Politicians and government officials will bend over and smile every time the words oil, Middle East or politically correct are mentioned.Vince is right, Bill Cosby has profited nicely from remaining politically correct and would never,never,never never say anything to offend the administration or the object of their affection/favortism. I am almost certain this post will offend someone, but guess what, I have never, never, never, never, never ever been accused of being politically correct and most likely never will.

[maxx]

I'm with Robert on this.I don't care who wrote it.whoever wrote it has some very good and valed points.

[Philip]

It's political correctness gone MaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaD!  Stewart Lee - 9 - Political Correctness - 41st Best Stand-Up ever

[shaun]

I really enjoyed that one Phillip.  To the point and funny.

[RobertBfrom aust]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table...He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.









********************************





Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'





********************************





They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.





*********************************





After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.





********************************





The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!





*********************************





'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





'No,' she replies. . ..





Wait for it ...  ....





It's coming  .....  .....





The suspense is killing you, isn't it?





She said ...  ... :





'You just  happened to catch my eye.'





(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)





     

[Pineau]

More practical jokes. This week we went on a mini-holiday to a hot spa with two other couples.

I guess the ladies were discussing the men that evening and the subject of VIAGRA got into the conversation.

 In my bag I carry some headache/sleeping pills. (Tylenol PM) they work wonders and put me to sleep in about 30 minutes. I was tired that night and didnt need any assist in getting to sleep so it was still on the bed table the next morning.

So the next morning my wife took the sleeping pill and gave it to one of the other ladies and told her it was VIAGRA.  Along with  testimony about how well they worked. Later I asked when she was going to tell her the truth. With an evil giggle she she simply said " I'll just wait for the phone call"

That lady is going to be so disappointed.

[Philip]

Recently, I received some messages from different members of this forum. Unfortunately, none of them signed their name. So I was wondering if any of you can tell me who you think they might be, so that I can write back to them and apologise for taking the piss.

1. "If you think I can't have too much PUN, you are wRONg. I CAN. A DAft idea."

2. "I.     Am.     So.    Addicted.     To.     Full.      Stops.     That.     I.    Use.     Them.     Indiscriminately.     But.   I.    hate.    commas."

3. "Your thinking that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence. But I'm really thinking about going UP to see my English Godfather in China."

4. "Your worried that I missed the apostrophe and the 'e' from the first word of this sentence, but I'm really worried you might not know when I'm being funny or not."

5. "When I write, I am usually succinct, and to the point. But sometimes I talk a lot about dumplings."

6. "When I Write My Word's, Many Of The Noun's Have Capital's, Like Proper Noun's And Apostrophe's, As If They Are Possessive's Not Plural's, Vielleicht Ein Bischen Wie Deutsch."

7. "Man knows that when I say 'Man', I usually mean 'One' or 'You', peut-etre un peu comme en Allemand."

8. "When I talk about religion, I do it with such zeal, religious knowledge and thoroughness, it would be enough to shame some religious people, even though I am an atheist."

Please can anyone help me identify these people?

[Jason B]

Please can anyone help me identify these people?

I think that quote is Phillip.........as for the others I have some ideas, but I will let everyone have a turn first.

[Scottish_Robbie]

Three ladies died and went to heven, they met St Peter who said, you can do anything you like as long as you dont step on a duck. The first day they found there were thousands of ducks everywhere and it was almost impossible not to step on one. One of the ladies did step on a duck and next thing there is St Peter who had a really ugly man with him who he chained to her and said you now belong to him for all eternity. Next day another lady stepped on a duck, and St Peter who never misses a thing appeared with another ugly man, whom he chains to the second woman and says you are together for all eternity. The third lady having witnessed the fate of her friends, trod very carefully for three months, and along came St Peter with a handsome man, he chained them together and said you will remain together for all eternity, wow said the woman, wonder what I did to deserve this? Dont know about you said the man, but I stepped on a duck!!

[shaun]

You ain't right Phillip.   But it is funny.  Or as one of our American comedians would say, "i don't care who you are that's funny right there."

[RobertBfrom aust]

Subject: I'm Jobless

 


 












I just got sacked from my job with Lifeline


Someone called Mohammad phoned and said,


"I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".


All I said was,  "Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .