How to convince wife to seek help

[Pineau]

 I would say she does not  sound bipoloar to me. More like anxiety and paranoia, isolated and withdrawn.  Maybe she is just not happy with the way things turned out.

What ever the final diagnosis is, if it truely a mental  illness you are in for a rough road. Doctors are not always accurate with diagnosis and the choice of medcations they give you. It may worsen the symptoms or even create new ones. You will need to watch her very close to look for possible side affects. 

But your biggest problem is to convince her she needs help. If you cant convince her maybe it wold be good for her to go home for a while and let the family work on her.

Pineau

[Jason B]

One way for her to meet people and feel more comfortable and more confident by socialising is by doing some courses.  I do not know if the USA offers the same thing that they do in Australia where part of the visa process is that the person is entitled to 508 hours of free learn English classes and about 200 hours of job training.  My wife is doing these now and loves it.  She gets out of the house and socialises with not only other Chinese people doing the course but other foreigners as well.  Maybe your wife is feeling trapped and frustrated.  But in this world of zero tolerance nobody deserves to be hit no matter the gender.  It need sorting.

[Arnold]

Free 508 english class Hours      leave it up to the Aussie's 

Make sure Jason , your Wife takes those last 8 Hours .. there the most important !!!

[Amber]

   你好。我是一名来自中国的女士。看到你的信。知道你现在家庭遇到困惑。我可以与你的妻子。连线QQ。或雅虎。或电话通话。这样从谈话中得到她现在一些思想？听你的说法。事情发生是糟糕局面。但我以中国女人的个人思想考虑。你的太太只是语言障碍。促使她对美国的生活习惯。有着不同理解。我不清楚你太太现在的年龄时代是什么？也许女人在更年期时期。情绪紧张。语言理解困难。两国家生活差异大。迫使他情绪有波动期。这是我的见解。不妨我们在沟通中得到。

[shaun]

You know Amber may have something there.  Menopause.  How old is your wife?

I know in my vast knowledge of menopausal wives... 1...     Wild mood swings and hitting was the course.  She once told a friend of ours  that she understood how a woman could kill her husband.  (gulp!)

[David E]

One way for her to meet people and feel more comfortable and more confident by socialising is by doing some courses.  I do not know if the USA offers the same thing that they do in Australia where part of the visa process is that the person is entitled to 508 hours of free learn English classes and about 200 hours of job training.  My wife is doing these now and loves it.  She gets out of the house and socialises with not only other Chinese people doing the course but other foreigners as well.  Maybe your wife is feeling trapped and frustrated.  But in this world of zero tolerance nobody deserves to be hit no matter the gender.  It need sorting.

Yep...bloody good idea Jase

Ming has enrolled in her 508 hours worth and is loving it. The College is only 10 minutes from home and she is doing 4 hours per day. She meets many different Chinese women and of course, people from all over the World. She got in at level 2 so she is doing good meaty English and they are pestering her to get her Uni degree certified so she can get a good job !!!...but selfish me dont want her to work......the only way out for me is to let her have the baby she wants...then she need not work !!!!....hey ho....decisions, decisions, decisions ....!!!

[Jason B]

the only way out for me is to let her have the baby she wants...then she need not work !!!!....hey ho....decisions, decisions, decisions ....!!!

Too late for me, I have told her she does not have to work and can stay home and be with the baby.  Maybe then we can have another.......
Have told her to get her mum to bring her papers from China if she comes next year to see the baby so we can get them translated too.  I have heard but not confirmed that the place Xia goes to will translate them for free as they will help her if/when she looks for work or any courses she decides.  Or if she needs to do a bridging course to equate the Chinese degree with an Australian one.

Menopause could be an issue, but I have no idea about that..........we are not old enough to be there yet.  Please keep us updated

[dumbo]

Thanks for all the support and replies. I have a hard time responding at home and internet was out at my office. I will respond in more detail tomorrow. I used to think that if a female hit me I would leave her immediately too. But she is my wife now, I can't do that. We are married for good days and bad days. I will help her and support her. If she has a mental disease like I suspect that is more reason why I will stay with her. She has a 7 year old son who now considers me the father. Last night we set up the first christmas tree of his life.

His natural father is a wealthy Chinese Businessman, he has left plenty of money and property to her. She does not need me in anyway financially rest of her life. She also is frugal just like most Chinese women.  When we met in China, I also told her if she is looking for just a green card, she can come to USA on the investor visa program and we can live together. She always said she wanted to have a father for her son. She was also looking for someone who wasn't very rich. I still make the point that I pay the bills for my self and pay most of the household bills, she pays anything related to our son's school and also helps me with shopping. Once she  offered to buy me a new car and I refused because I don't want to use her ex husbands money. Now may be I am not rich and suddenly she realises that I will never become very rich like her ex husband and this is stressing her out.

The bipolar suggestion also came from some of my friends. I ignored it at first, but the mood swings are extreme. She has hit me 3 times and kicked once our 7 year old son. This all happened in the last 5 months. When she is depressed she will kneel on the floor in the kitchen and not communicate with anyone. She will also sit in the back seat when she is mad at me. This can sometimes go on for a week. She can have very high energy days followed by very low energy days. She can explode at me at any notice. Her paranoia is extreme at times. I tell her all my client meetings and she gets very jealous if I am meeting any female clients. We can't bring any guests to our house because the house is never ready. Last night she got mad at our son because he could not remember how to write the color green in Chinese characters. He is only 7 years old. 

[Scottish_Robbie]

Dumbo, I am not a doctor, but suffering with the same symptons, I was declared Clinically depressed.  This sounds very similare

The anger fits come through simple little things, can be caused by stress or feeling frustrated.  The low and high energy days relate to the way your feeling on that particular day.

Please talk her into seeing the doctor.

Rob

[Willy The Londoner]

I have spoken to my wife on this and we have come to the opinion that she has probably become depressed.

My wife suggests that although the son gaining a father has been an improvement,  other parts of her life may have not!  Frugal she may be, but frugal with money backing her.  Probably a lot back home.   Her new husband pays the household bills - buts what's left in it for her?  She has no income I presume other than what comes from China.   She has property in China but in the USA she is, according to Dumbo, living in a property with him where he pays the rent.   

Our feelings is that her life has not improved to the extent that she is happy to discuss it with others.  She sees herself as a divorced woman with a child who has HAD to take a foreign man as husband and who was one that was willing to take on another man's child.   Whatever we on here think, that is not so good to the Chinese mind. 

She wants to be seen in a new car - that will show her life has improved but her offer was turned down.  Her new husband does not want her to use the money provided by her ex.  It is her money and her new husbands dogma is not wanting to use it but keep her in a position which she feels is no improvement.   The biggest problem when marrying Chinese lady is that there has to be improvement or at least a sense of it.

Love is one thing but they, and others near to her,  need to see that the ladies life has changed for the better.   Not only financially, although as we know from past cases, when the income goes then so may the wife.

She is probably alone at home all the time whilst her husband is out working, and his job probably often keeps him out into the evening.  Chinese men who are out at all times in the evening usually are womanising.  That is probably why she divorced her ex.  So she has that in the back of her mind.

Ok Dumbo probably told her he would visit clients but because he was always available when in China she may well have thought he would be home every evening with her.

Her life in the USA may not not be what she envisaged although before she arrived she probably thought she would get used to it. 

It is probably in her mind that other Chinese woman in the USA have improved their lifes whereas she feels hers has stood still or even slide downwards a bit.


We know that it takes a lot to fathom out a Chines woman's mind but seeing a doctor who she cannot converse with freely so that both will understand her will be a problem unless she is absolutely fluent in English.   

It is still our opinion that she spend some time in China so that she can assess if American life is really for her.

Willy

[Philip]

It is difficult to speculate, other than your wife is suffering from depression. Whether this is in response to her environment, her expectations, or a chemical imbalance, I'm not sure, not knowing her and not being medically-trained.
I do wonder whether she has articulated any of her frustrations, with words rather than fists. What does she want? What would she like her future to be, now she has lived with you for a few months? Does she want to work? Does she want to study? Can you have these kind of discussions? Can she articulate her feelings to you?
I teach young children, and find that physical aggression is often the only way some children can communicate their frustrations. This is because their language is inadequate to express their emotions. I am not suggesting your wife is a child, but the language barrier, coupled with her lack of an outlet to communicate her frustrations, plus a possible cul-de-sac in her expectations for the future could be an explosive mix.
When I speak with my wife about our future, it is sometimes difficult to find out what she wants. She defers to me, she says we can live anywhere, she will follow me, she is happy if I am happy, I can get any job, she doesn't mind. But I tell her that I need to know what she wants. And after a lot of discussion, sometimes, I actually find out, and then I tell her how much I appreciate her telling me.

[djal]

I really feel for you.  I haven't read the other posts .... but how about getting a psychologist (who speaks Chinese) to talk to her on the phone and convince her to come and consult him/her.  I know in China it is not usual for people to consult a psy for help.  Just tell her psychologists see many people in America for all kind of issues... and they can really help.

My two cents.

Best of luck,

Alain

[dumbo]

Thanks for all the responses here and private messages. I got hit several punches two kicks and my sweater got ripped off today. I wrote what happened to her sister I also asked if my wife ex husband can come here for awhile. May be he can convince her to get some help. The situation is not very good.

I will try to answer some of the questions. She lived in Sweeden for one year when our son was 2 years old. So I didn't anticipate too much culture shock from her as she had already lived outside China before. May be this was wrong. She has a part time job and she goes to school part time for ESL. Her English is pretty good. She wanted to work in a daycare at first and we had plans to run one ourselves. I suggested to her to find a babysitter job first and then she could learn more about the American culture and open her own daycare one year later. I also didn't want her to start any work in the first 3 months. we also talked about her working in my business together. She was interested in that, she worked in a stock trading company before. I work late Monday nights from home phoning clients, Tuesday and Thursday I come home late and Wendesday I am home at 2 o'clock and and take our son to violin lessons. Saturday morning I again work from home and then we go outside to the public library. I understand the part about may be I am womanizing on the nights I am out. I can't change my job for her, However, I took it very easy in the first 3 months and I avoided making too many night appointments. She has access to my appointment system online, I also gave her my passwords so she has access to my bank accounts and credit cards. I know she is paranoid about me seeing someone.

She does refuse any mental help. Today our son got close to calling 911. In many ways I wished he had called, it looks like this is going to escalate pretty badly. She has no interest to go back to China, I think when I got her family involved, their response was we don't want our divorced daughter to come back to China and she may not have received a very warm support. Her ex husband is more supportive, even though I don't know what he says in Chinese to her. He gives her pretty good advice and tries to rationalize her.

I am told by doctors that you can't force someone into a mental treatment program, it will backfire. The best thing that may happen is that I have a very good relationship with our son. He may force her into therapy. I am working on this, it is not easy, I am trying to explain when your mom acts crazy it is not your fault. Lets see what happens 

[Vince G]

I am told by doctors that you can't force someone into a mental treatment program, it will backfire.

Not true. You can have her committed to a mental health facility for assessment. What State are you in?

[maxx]

Vince you missed Dumbo's point.What Dumbo is saying is.If you force the woman to go to the head shrinker.She will feel resentment and fight the treatment program all the way.Then she will get it in her head that people are out to stick her in a mental hospital.It just goes down hill from there.The lady needs to think that it is her idea to talk to the head shrinker.That is the only way it will work.She has to admit that she has a problem.And want to seek help for her problem.

If her son had called 911.And the cops showed up.The cops would of took her to a mental facility for observation.And then they could of held her from 48 to 74 hours for observation.Then they could of held her for however long the treatment took.You have to be very carefull on how this is done.Because you and the police are trampling on her civil liberties.The only way that she can be held is if she proves to be a danger to herself or those around her

Dumbo my advice to you is next time something like this happens.You or her son need to call 911.It is dangerous and foolish to live with somebody that is struggling with these kind of anger issues.You are not doing anybody any good.By trying to deal with this by yourself.She needs some professional help.