Who pay, when the girl invites to dinner ?

[daghoi]

I have emailed with a girl from Beijing and next week I’m traveling there. She took the initiative to invite me to dinner to taste the Beijing Duck. She wrote something like “.. I will treat you with the famous Beijing duck…”.
The question is should I pay for both of us ? How hard should I “insist” to pay for the meal? Can it be “insulting” if I ask to pay the bill or half of it ? Or when she invites and make the reservation etc she wants to pay ?
She has a good job and has worked in several other (western) countries. So I guess she is used to, or at least, know western ways of doing things. Im a 2 years past 40 and she is, 2 years under.

Guess it is no exact answer on this one, but it could be fun to hear other people’s opinion.

[Sylvain D]

She invites you, she pays...
To me, I see things like that. If I invite someone somewhere, I assume what I've said.
Whatever the other one is rich or not...

[feisnik]

You always offer to pay. It is not only the gentlemanly thing to do, but you make more money than her, so should offer. Even when people know who will pay in China, others will make a show out of offering to pay.So try 3 times to pay, regardless, or you will lose face...and if someone buys you dinner, you are obligated to buy the next time.

[Bob]

Hi Daghoi, I agree with Feisnik, in my experience with my Chinese wife's family and friends, usually wen you are invited to dinner at a restaurant, the person who invited you will pay. However this is not always so, example: if your wife asked you if you want to go out for dinner at the restaurant and she wants to invited her mother and father,  then I think you should offer to pay for the meals to show good face (tell your wife you intend to pay for the meals before you actually leave the house, this will avoid any misunderstandings and she will appreciate your offer)   When it comes time to pay for the meal this will also show good face to her parents, and give a good impression. Food is really inexpensive in China, so it is really no big deal.  :icon_cool:   Use your best judgment.

[Sylvain D]

I agree that food doesn't cost a lot in China, and I agree with you, Feisnik and Bob, but if someone invites you to dinner, face to face, then she has to assume what he/she says, even if he/she knows that next time, it will be your turn.

[feisnik]

I always paid for meals until we were married. Then my wife would often pay saying her money was my money. But when I would meet people, like my brother-in-law's boss, he took me to a nice dinner with my BIL's associates where he paid. Then, I was expected to take the same group out for dinner and I pay. Even if I knew he would pay, I must try to offer to pay 3 times then thank him for paying.

And for you newbies, when you eat, remember you must toast everyone at the table starting with the most important person. When you toast, toast with the lip of your glass under the lip of theirs to give face, by saying they are the greater person of importance.

Every province and city is different, but if you follow these rules, it will help you save face and give face to others.

[Chong]

It depends on the "Intent" of the meal. For example, people invited me to lunch/dinner to introduce me to ladies ... I have to pay. I invited my ladies's family to dinner ... who in turn invited other family members without my knowledge ... I have to pay. If it's a first time date with just you and your lady ... the gentleman thing to do is to reach for the bill ... even if she did the inviting. More than likely, she will put up a small fight for the tab / treat for dessert at another place afterwards / pay for the cab / insist that the next meal is her treat.

Since she's inviting / treating you to Beijing Duck because she knows the restaurant in Beijing, she's taking the intitiative for the date. If she reaches for the bill ... put up a small playful fight & then insist that the next meal will be your treat. She's welcoming you to the city by treating you out for a nice Beijing meal. Sounds to me like she's a modern / Westernized woman.

[maxx]

Go with what Nik and Chonger are saying.

[Bob]

Obviously everyone will have a different opinion about this, you must use your own judgment. You know your lady better then anyone else here, what works for one couple does not necessarily work for another. Do what you feel is the right thing to do, my personal opinion is I wouldn't pay all the time. I guess it would also depend on how often you go to restaurants to eat and the type of occasion.

you do not always have to do it the Chinese way (customs), some seem so keen on always learning and doing it the Chinese way, of course that is their business. If your lady will someday live with you in the western world, then she should learn some Western ways, right? after all it is a two way street. my 2 cents.

[maxx]

Bob you are correct .Your lady will have to learn your customs.But it is ussually better to wate till she goes to your country.To pay for a meal in China shows the people your eating with great face.Its like offfering them a smoke you are showing them great face.If you want to tell your lady friend in private latter that is not your custom.That would be fine.

When in China do as the Chinese do.You will save yourself alot of grief and missunderstandings.To say nothing of saving your own face.If you as a foriegnor in China haveing no face.You have nothing.No girl no Chance at a girl.Bad looks bad words.

When you go to China and see the beggers.Watch how most of the Chinese treat the beggers.Beggers have no face.The only beggers that seam to get any respect is the old and the child beggers.And most Chinese have got wise to the children beggers.So they are starting to treat them bad.

[daghoi]

Hi !

Thanks for the input guys.

I'll reach for the tab and offer to pay, from there i will just go with her respons.

[Bob]

Yes Maxx, I agree with you on many points and I know what you mean, I have been to China 3 times already in the past year and have seen how some are treated. I am happily married to a Chinese lady. I am not worried about loosing face, or unintentionally making someone else loose face and I won't change who I am just because I am in China. ( I do not have to always do it there way) I am a Westerner and they obviously know this. I am not cheap when it comes time to pay for a meal, however on the same note I am not a sucker for always having to pay out just because that is what they may expect, that is there way and culture. Do not misunderstand me, I have high respect for the Chinese and there customs, but I will not be taken for a fool and always pay for everything.

As I have stated in my last post here, everyone will have a different opinions regarding who should pay for the meal at the restaurant. It really is a simple thing , just do whatever you feel like doing, if you want to pay for the meal then do so,,,if not, then discuss this with your lady. The important thing is to just have a good time at the restaurant with your lady, family or friends without burning a hole in your wallet or budget, life is too short.