Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 303958 times)

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Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1275 on: March 31, 2013, 03:39:27 am »
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father" he confessed "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month". The priest told the sinner "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months".

This time, the priest questioned "Who is this Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replied. "Very well" sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's".

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the Sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes".

Offline shaun

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1276 on: April 18, 2013, 07:49:35 pm »
Was talking to a buddy of mine and he shared the following "true" story with me.

I came home from work the other day and as usual the Chiwawa dog next door was there to greet me.  I pet him a little and then his owners came outside.  It is a husband and wife with no children yet.

The conversation gravitated to my wife who still lives in China. "When is she coming to America the woman asked?"  I said, "She has passed her interview but we are waiting for her children to finish school this year, then they will move here."  So I told them they would be here in two months.

She said, "I didn't realize she had children?"   "Yes... 2", I replied.

I could tell that something was weighing on her mind.  Finally she asked me, "You and your wife don't eat dog do you?"

I told her that my wife and I had discussed it and if we decided to eat her dog that we would invite them over for dinner.  She said as she grabbed her dog and went inside, "you're disgusting."

Her husband and I had quite a laugh about it.  Then he got serious and said, "you really wouldn't eat our dog, would you?"

I replied, "Get real...  Your dog is way too small to eat.  However, the german shepherd next door is much larger and has more meat on his bones.  Don't worry though I'd still invite the both of you over for dinner."  He said, "You really ARE disgusting and slammed the door in my face."

I'm not sure how to handle all of this.  They really are a nice couple.  But every time I go outside and they are out they run back into the house.  If I am outside and they come out, they go back in very quickly.

I really miss petting the Chiwawa too.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1277 on: April 18, 2013, 09:14:38 pm »

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1278 on: April 18, 2013, 09:18:00 pm »

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1279 on: April 19, 2013, 04:56:26 pm »
well?

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1280 on: April 27, 2013, 06:39:25 pm »

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1281 on: May 05, 2013, 02:03:10 am »
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied "Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said "These are very tasty but I notice that they're much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied "Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!

Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1282 on: May 05, 2013, 02:07:12 am »
A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.

The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then asks "What's in the bag?" The man on the bike replies "Sand". Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.

After those 6 months, curiosity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

"Listen mate" he says. "You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it and I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious".

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly "Are you sure you won't arrest me?" The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

"Fine" the man says. "I HAVE been smuggling something over the border". "What is it?!" cries the customs official. The man replies "Motorcycles!"

Offline RobertBfrom aust

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1283 on: May 06, 2013, 03:15:54 am »
One for Sylvain ha ha .

How a Frenchman Passes a Chinese Client’s Ridiculous Trust Test

By Jin Wong on May 6, 2013 • ( 1 )

China is full of opportunities – this sentence has almost become a cliche. People from the Western countries flock to the Middle Kingdom to establish businesses in the hope of grasping the new wealth from the Chinese, be it a trading, manufacturing, luxury, wine trading, or the recently-emerging art dealing. Yet, the way Chinese people do business is completely different than what one could every imagine. Except for the usual practice of emphasizing the “guan xi” (it means relationship in Chinese), the hierarchy, the below-the-table transactions etc., there is one thing I would like to share with you.
 
I’m talking about the trust test a French friend of mine experienced from a Chinese client.
 

“Trust” in Chinese characters.
 
The Frenchman is a wine dealer, trading company as well as restaurant owner. He deals with different Chinese clients who operates restaurants, bars, night clubs, hotels and hospitality premises that need wine. As the Frenchman is selling original high-quality French wine, he get approached by many Chinese clients who show great interest in his wine.
 
There is one time, he is invited to by Chinese client’s birthday party at the client’s night club. The French wine dealer goes to the night club, not feeling surprised by the excessive cigarette-smelling air at the spacious bar. There are plenty of private rooms at the club (as the Chinese like to book a room for private party that only people who are closely connected with can get invited).
 
The Chinese client (the night club owner) invites the Frenchman to his suite inside the night club. As usual, the French wine trader pitches the Chinese client for his wine collection. The client is impressed, as the wine collections are really exclusive and original from the vineyards in a foreign country that is far far away. The Chinese client is well assured of the quality of the wine he’s probably going to purchase, as he’s convinced by the quality of the leather handbags and perfumes produced in the same country where the wine comes from.
 
However, this Chinese client is picky. He gives a trust test just to see whether the French man is reliable and that he wouldn’t rip him off. The Chinese then calls up ten women to the suite, undressed. Completely undressed, maybe only with high-heels. The Chinese asks the French to pick one of the ten to take home with.
 
The Frenchman says, “no, I don’t want any of them. They look nice, but I really don’t want any. Thanks”.
 
The Chinese client is surprised and says in his hard-to-understand English, “really? You’re French, you guys are romantic. If you like them, take one!”
 
The Frenchman insists, “no, I come here for business, not for this”.
 
The Chinese client smiles and replies, “you’re someone I can definitely trust. Prepare three containers of the complete red wine collection you showed me just now to be shipped in two months”.
 
The Frenchman is happy, “thank you Mr. Hung! I will prepare everything and will ask my secretary to inform you of the status. Just curious, why I pass your test so easily?”
 
The Chinese client laughs, “because last time I gave out the same test to another French wine trader, he took away three women with him”.
Now it is early to bed and late to rise .
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Offline IrishGuy65

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1284 on: June 02, 2013, 06:37:10 am »
There's a snail and a turtle travelling along.  They crash into each other.  Someone calls the police.  The police arrive, and pull the turtle aside.  The policeman asks the turtle, "What happened?"  The turtle responds, "I don't know, officer, it all happened so fast..."
I-129F Delivered: 9/26/13
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Interview on 2/25/14.  Visas approved.
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Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1285 on: June 20, 2013, 09:42:26 am »
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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Offline john1964

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1286 on: July 11, 2013, 03:38:19 am »
Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Paddy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?" Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me ... I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey?" Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £898." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.

Arnold

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1287 on: August 29, 2013, 12:04:56 pm »
 ;D I don't know how many of you go over to the "Other", but it is worth a good laugh for sure. ;D

http://www.chnlove.com/Replies-Ask-An-Experienced-Member-T4450.html

Offline David E

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1288 on: August 29, 2013, 06:21:33 pm »
Arnold...

It is quite sometime since I looked at "The Other Place"...so I thought I would have a look at what was on the link you posted...

Now I KNOW why I didn't go back to that site....nothing changes !!!!!!

It is still quite clear that a certain "Gentleman" needs to get some serious psychological help..............

As for his "expert musings " on the state of the US economy................just wait and see how WRONG he is.

 ;D ;D ;D

Vince G

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1289 on: August 29, 2013, 09:32:50 pm »
hahahahaha   ;D   Haven't been there is a long time. Crossed that bridge and not looking back.


The US economy runs on a 10 year cycle. So yes it will go up and down according to those in power feel like.