JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Robertt S]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
 "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
 "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
 The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
 "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
 "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
 The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
 "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
 Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
 "Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

[JustJim]

Letters from Bootcamp


I was laughing even before I got to the sign off - and I didn't see that one coming...

I grew up in the country and can attest to the way of life there.  Early mornings, chores, good food, all of it.

My first girlfriend had 2 sisters and six brothers.  Dairy farmers and every one of them was strong as an ox, and thin as a rail, and could eat half a refrigerator in one sitting.  I remember her mother used to bake 6 dozen cookies and they would be gone in 10 minutes flat...

[Pineau]

I was flipping through te TV channels when my wife sat down and said.." what's on the TV"?  Dust I said. and thats when the fight started.

[Robertt S]

[JohnB]

My five-year old grandson is learning to read. Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and
said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

(scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

[JohnB]

excuse the pun....a rebuttle

[JohnB]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the
woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated
the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send
a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note,
handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know
things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches...... Just send the bottle back!'

[Robertt S]

[JohnB]

I think DavidE will enjoy this one..

Australian Humor!….. Contributed by an X-IBM associate from Vancouver

An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled
over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared! "I can only grant
four wishes!" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!"

Pointing to the Maori, she said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish." The
Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and
take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa."

Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline. The Indian said, "I wish for enough
aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky. The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand
camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in
Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach. Turning to the Australian, the
Genie asked, "And what is your wish?" The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the
runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of
the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!"

[JohnB]

Mensa Questionnaire:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below:
















































Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

[JohnB]

National Poetry Contest Winner

There was a national poetry contest, and they had eliminated down to the last 2 finalists - one was
a Harvard graduate, and the other a redneck from Kentucky. In order to choose the winner, the
finalists were given 2 minutes to create a poem. The only stipulation was that the final word of the
poem would be ‘Timbuktu’.

So, after the 2 minute preparation time was up, the finalists flipped a coin to determine which one
would go first. The Harvard grad won.

He stood up, and began his poem:

"Slowly, across the desert sand,
Trekked the lonely caravan.
Riding camels, two by two...
Destination, Timbuktu."

Everyone applauded loudly, at such a fine poem. Surely he would win the contest. Then the redneck
from Kentucky stood up.

"Me and Tim a huntin’ went,
Met 3 whores in a pop-up tent.
They was 3 and we was 2,
So I buk 1 and Timbuktu."

[Rhonald]

I should show this picture to my step-son as he has not yet learned at 20 years age, how to use a Western stool collector.

[JohnB]

Mother’s Driver’s License…..

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Robertt S]

Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
 The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
 Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
 OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
 "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
 A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
 sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
 The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
 The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
 After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
 So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
 Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
 "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS, ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JohnB]

Two married men were at the bar...

...the one looks at the clock and tells his friend, "I'm not looking forward to going home. My wife is going to chew me out again for being away drinking so late. Every time I'm out like this I try to sneak back home and into bed without waking her so she doesn't know how late I've been out. I turn off the car and coast into the driveway. I take off my shoes and enter through the side door. I even get changed in the bathroom and then try to slip into bed unnoticed. But she always wakes up and then I have to stay awake and give appropriate answers for the next 30 minutes of angry lecture."

"I never have that problem." says the friend. "I roar into the driveway and bring the car to a screeching halt, slam the front door shut as I come in, throw open the bedroom door, jump in bed with her and slap her butt and say, 'Guess who's horny?!' and then she pretends to be asleep."