Author Topic: Married life - issues between Western husband and Chinese wife  (Read 10282 times)

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Arnold

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Re: Married life - issues between Western husband and Chinese wife
« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2013, 02:26:46 pm »
I think it adds a lot to the marriage and strengthens the bonds.

You're right Gerry! I not only think it does, I personally know it does! Writing (EMF's or whatever) for months truthfully of course, starts to build a foundation/bond before you even step on the Plane to meet. I see Zoot and his Lady are doing just that right now and it will benefit later if it comes to marriage. Here locally, me meet somebody.. jump into bed and both think we are in love and have some more the same for a while.. then get married. Now, where is there any form of foundation here? This is why we have so many divorces here, People don't spend enough time getting to know each others fault's/character's/habit's. So as easy it is to split, why fight for anything.. just leave and find a new.

Offline David E

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Re: Married life - issues between Western husband and Chinese wife
« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2013, 04:42:45 pm »
She must like Walter very much as most Chinese would see him as food!!!     ;D ;D
Please don't let Walter read this I do not want to upset him. ::)
Willy

Yes, you are right Willy....she has remarked in the past that Walter could feed US for a week !!!

(BTW, Walter is an American cat, a Maine Coon Cat, they are the largest domestic breed and he weighs in at 20 lbs and is about 5 feet from nose to tail !!)

I told her that if she wants to eat Walter, she has got to catch him first...and if you could see the size of his teeth and claws you would realise (as she did) that it would need a sewing machine to put her back together if she tried it !!!

However...back to Zoot's original question about culture differences.....

Zoot,

There wont be cultural differences...there will be a cultural CHASM a mile wide between you and a Chinese woman and this you have to accept and deal with. You cant possibly understand what she has been through in her previous life in China.

I speak here about a mature Chinese woman, because I think things are slowly changing for the younger set now. My wife is typical in that she has lived in a World that has been male-centric and male dominated for at least the past 3000 years

Most of us here are older Men and we have married women in or around their 40.s and who have been married before and who likely have had a child.

These Women have had to accept that husband is the boss, the Master and has all the aces. She has been forced culturally to work in a job...long and hard, has been required to do all the cooking, houswork etc for husband, family and likely his parents too. Her main job has been to provide a Son...to ensure the family will be looked after in the future.

She has had no safety net of social, financial or emotional support that has been enshrined in Law for her Western counterparts. Her husband has likely and openly had one or several mistresses that he lavished attention (and money) on. She can be discarded at a moments notice with no financial settlement (My wife's ex had all the assets in his Mother's name so she could not get a penny). Emotionally, she has lived in a vacuum, Chinese husbands in general dont show affection to wives...only to mistresses !!!

If she has a daughter, she will likely be forced to accept custody and bring up the child alone with no help from him. If she has a son, it is likely that the husband will take him. She has no say in the matter.

All of this has produced one very tough woman...many western women would cave in totally under the cultural stresses and strains that she has had to live with all her life.

You have no comprehension of how hard she has done stuff...dont even try.

But when she marries a Western man she will expect him to be strong, competant, but above all show her another side of a relationship which is warm and loving. She is not used to this and needs time to get to trust you and your intentions. If she percieves you as weak...watch out , she will shut you off and get on with running her life.

Give this woman respect, face and security and she will astound you with the care and attention she gives you...willingly.

There has been lots of advice here about not letting this get into your head, its not life-threatening, you WILL have a mountain of cultural difference with her, it's inevitable. But it is also an opportunity to meet in the middle and develop your own brand of cross-culture marriage.

It's the little day-to-day things that can be managed, as many of us have written about. I dont think there is a magic bullet to remove all the cultural differences, and for me personally, I really love the difference...after all, I chose to do this, I (and the other guys here) could have chosen the conventional route and married another Western harridan !!!!.......but we got smart  ;D ;D ;D



« Last Edit: March 20, 2013, 04:48:36 pm by David E »

Offline IrishGuy65

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Re: Married life - issues between Western husband and Chinese wife
« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2013, 06:04:19 pm »
Thanks again, everyone.

Yes, we have been talking for about 6 weeks now.  We talk at least once a day, often twice a day.  We video chat a few times a week.  We talk a LOT, and discuss many things.  I also feel this is great that we talk so often.  I will be leaving July 12 and will be there for 2 weeks.  This gives us plenty of time to continue to talk and get to know each other, and each culture, better before then.   Again, the one thing I believe we already have is a strong line of communication about things.  And we've both been married before.  This was important to me, because I wanted to find someone that has had that experience before.  I'm 47 and she's 45, so we've been around the block a little bit  ;)

As far as the rest, there is a lot of great info here.  I hope this thread sticks around for future newbies.

One last note, I had two Maine Coon sisters.  They lived out their lives, but they were both over 20 pounds easily.  They are the most awesome pets, though.
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Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: Married life - issues between Western husband and Chinese wife
« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2013, 08:51:03 pm »
David E has hit the nail right on the head. That is an experienced man who is able to put into words exactly what we have all found.

Words alone cannot describe the pain my wife went through in the past.  A woman who loves children so much, having hers taken from her by an errant husband when the youngest was 7 months and the eldest 5.

But this weekend is a special as all three of her children will be together celebrating her 50th birthday.  Along with 20 or more other guests who are gathering here for lunch before going of to dinner in the evening.

I think it will be a hectic and very noisy time with two dozen Chinese in one apartment.

Am I concerned, never, I say 'Bring It On'.   I am looking forward to it just to see my wife's joy at having all her children in in one place together with her.  This will be the first time this has happened since her ex took all three from her some 18 years ago and replaced her with another women.

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Offline john1964

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Re: Married life - issues between Western husband and Chinese wife
« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2013, 03:20:21 am »
Willy, We wish your wife a very happy upcoming birthday, MinYing celebrated her birthday here last month and had a little cry as my children came to celebrate it with her and brought a cake, Never before in her life has anyone done this for her, She had a wonderful day  ;D