JUST FOR A LAUGH

[john1964]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right". "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in".

[john1964]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate! The bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"

[Willy The Londoner]

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate! The bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"

This was always an Australianan Irishman and a Scotsman. I know you changed it so as not to hurt Robbies feelings but.... the truth shouldn't hurt as much as his elbow.

Willy

[john1964]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".

Moral: never, never, ever be late!

[john1964]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side".

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.  "You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland..."

[Arnold]

Ormie

Very cute Pig , but maybe NOT too smart .

[David E]

United States Politics ( 101)

United States Politics 101....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     #@$$%$$#@## !!!!

That is a photo of ex-Prime Minister of Australia (John Howard) and the Treasurer (Peter Costello).

These two were about the best Politicians we have had in 40 years....much of the squillions that this current bunch of Zubes have pi##ed away on worthless junk was made by the efforts of these two...sadly missed !!

Cheers...David

[Clayton]

United States Politics ( 101)

United States Politics 101....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     #@$$%$$#@## !!!!

That is a photo of ex-Prime Minister of Australia (John Howard) and the Treasurer (Peter Costello).

These two were about the best Politicians we have had in 40 years....much of the squillions that this current bunch of Zubes have pi##ed away on worthless junk was made by the efforts of these two...sadly missed !!

Cheers...David

Well said David

Cheers

Leeroy

[Jason B]

Here here, the best of the best them two.  makes you wonder what state would be in if the mob now where in before.........right down the bottom with europe and tuvalu

[Pineau]

Fiona is a big practical joker. So now its time for a payback.

I have been giving Fiona a tour of the house using my laptop and QQ video chat. Just walking around the house with the laptop camera directed in front of me. So far Fiona has been impressed with the new house.

She really liked the cool computer controlled washer-dryer pair.
She has never seen a dryer before and that is where I will pull my practical joke. I am going to demo the washer and dryer for her. But before hand I am going to dry and fold an entire load of clothes and then place the folded clothes into the dryer. I wish I could capture the the look on her face when I toss in some wet clothes from the washer, punch a few buttons and moments later remove a stack of dry and folded clothes. That would be priceless.

[Arnold]

That would definitely be worth a Million .. "That" look !

Another Idea , place a cooked Meal in the Automatic Dish Washer/Dinner maker .. open the door and Waahla ! No folding and no Cooking in this House . hahaha

[shaun]

I though I had a great idea for you Gerry but you might not follow any of our ideas.  I think she will smell a rat.  Or she may ask you how many Chinese women are actually in the dryer. 

[RobertBfrom aust]

On his birthday, a middle-aged man got a gift certificate from his wife.


The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.


The old man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is powerful wampum. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.'
You will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he had an afterthought and turned and asked
"How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your sqaw must say '1-2-3-4,'" responded the medicine man, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."


He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.


When she came in, he took off his clothes and said "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.


His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes --- then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

********

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition...............




........................because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[john1964]

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, coffee, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!
--
A husband took his wife to the doctor. "Oh doctor" he said "my wife thinks she's a chicken". The doctor gasped "That's terrible. How long has she been like that? The husband replied "Three years". The doctor was horrified "Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?" The husband said sheepishly "Because we needed the eggs".

[Willy The Londoner]

After the chatr on another thread about guns I thought I would send this in.
 
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For  several more minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Willy