Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 189824 times)

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Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1605 on: May 13, 2017, 10:46:24 PM »
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. They were to rotate with each home hosting every other month.
 The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
 Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
 She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
 He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.
 So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
 Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.
 All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
 After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.
 About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
 One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
 They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,
 "You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.”
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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1606 on: May 16, 2017, 06:56:38 PM »
a Talking Dog..Britain's Got Talent 2015

my wife sent me this from China.. http://url.cn/499Nh9d
on YouTube, see it in it's full version.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1inR2b7PS5M   
this is incredibly funny

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1607 on: May 25, 2017, 12:24:19 PM »
The Cynical Philosopher...



? I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

? I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

? I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

? When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

? A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

? Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

? You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

? Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

? I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

? Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

? You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

? If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

? I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

? I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”

? My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

? My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

? Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

? The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

? The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

? I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

? Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

? The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1608 on: May 25, 2017, 12:31:00 PM »
a Willy's Humor..

A boy and his mom were walking down the street and the boy pulled on his
mom's arm and said, "Mom look! There's a bow-legged man over there!"
His mother shushed him quickly telling him it's not nice to call people bow-legged.
A week later they were walking together and he pulls on his mom's arm and says,
"Look mom! There's that bow-legged man again!"
This time the mother takes him straight home saying, "I've told you before it's not
nice to call people bow-legged."

Once they arrived at home the mother handed the boy a book of Shakespeare saying,
"Go to your room and read this book! Hopefully it will teach you some manners!"
So the boy read the book, and a week later they were walking down the street, and
the boy pulls on his mom's arm and says, "Hark! What manner of men are these?
Who wear their legs in parentheses?"

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1609 on: June 02, 2017, 12:39:52 PM »
little Johnny is back!

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating”.

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
“fascinate, not fascinating
”.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated”
. The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word fascinate”.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
“fascinate” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Narelle has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”


The teacher sat down and cried.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1610 on: June 02, 2017, 12:43:22 PM »
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on
America's ball-related recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.
The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1611 on: June 02, 2017, 12:52:28 PM »
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between
the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the local pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and said to his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what exactly was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is so very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on a street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She responded, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the
other time he fell asleep."

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1612 on: June 02, 2017, 02:26:30 PM »
 :)
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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1613 on: June 06, 2017, 08:13:14 PM »
COVFEFE
« Last Edit: June 06, 2017, 08:36:19 PM by JohnB »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1614 on: June 06, 2017, 08:18:37 PM »
Vasectomy by the Comedics

(sung to the tune of the Beatles' "Yesterday")

Vasectomy

A surgeon took the goods away from me
And though I should be feeling more carefree
Oh, I grieve my vasectomy
Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be
There more like ornaments upon a tree
Oh, I grieve my vasectomy
Why they had to go
I don't know She wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now they're gone Like Yesterday
Vasectomy
Love was such an easy game for me
Now that I'm firing blanks it's plain to see
That I grieve
my vasectomy

cbc.ca

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1615 on: June 08, 2017, 08:19:57 PM »
The plane leaves Heathrow under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to
indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in
his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor!, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ..no mattah...all same'.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1616 on: June 08, 2017, 08:27:47 PM »
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before"

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... 
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1617 on: July 04, 2017, 09:18:54 PM »
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Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1618 on: July 04, 2017, 09:21:34 PM »
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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1619 on: July 06, 2017, 11:43:29 PM »