Confused....Really need help guys???

[Scottish_Rob]

Hi guy's sorry to ask you but I really do need some help on this...

To start the story I must return to 5/6 years ago... As many of you brothers know, my ex left me for another guy, (best mates brother in law), We were together for 28 and a half years, and married for 26 of them (happily I thought), she done many other things that really put the depression bugs onto me for many years, which I don't need to explain in detail (suffice to say, it was bad).  However, because I am grown up now, we speak regularly and on a friendly basis, even after getting divorce in April.

Anyway last night at 6.30 she came to my house for a chat, because she was feeling a little (cant remember the word, she was thinking about 'our' life together) lets just say 'lonely'.  Anyway we got talking about everything, you know the stuff, kids, grand-kids, old friends and family members etc.  After about an hour or so she went into her bag and opened a bottle of wine, now I don't drink and she knows that, but she went in and got 2 glasses and poured me one-which I never touched.  

She then got onto the subject of me and Keren and about my moving to China, at first it was like she was happy for me and moving on you know, but things started getting touchy, as in hitting the wrong buttons, to cap it all she begged me NOT to move there, citing things like she still loved me and would miss me, and how the kids would be upset etc.  I have not been in her life for the last 5/6 years and Now she comes out with THAT???  She eventually left about 2 in the morning but not before she made a lung at me romantically, which was rebuffed.

I have (and I know what your going to say David50) fallen in love with Keren even though we've not met in person yet.  Keren is the lady that I have always wanted, going to a new country and starting again is also something I have been thinking about since Novemeber 09,  I think I know what I am/going to do but I would like some feed back on this, as it has got me soooooo confused.  FFS I was/am going to start a new life why did she have to say this now???  

HELP PLEASE

[Vince G]

Well ? What's the confusion? Whatever her feeling are it's her problem.

[MLM]

Rob, you know that you have plans to move, you also know you can not live your life doing what makes other people happy, if you do in the end, every one is happy but you and Keren, brother, do what your heart has been telling you before the ex showed up, this sounds like your ex is trying to see if she still has a little control over you and incase she didn't she threw in the kids and incase that wasn't enough, she tryed to play the romance card to hold you here for further abuse, now you have to ask yourself, do I like, maybe still love this woman and if so or not, will I let her run my life again? and then you need to ask yourself, do I really love Keren and do I really want to move to China?
Brother if you answered that last question  with a yes, without thinking then what is the confussion, you have to live your life the way that makes you happy and if that is being in China with Keren then do it and don't look back and have a good life, if your kids have anything to do with your going or not, then think of it this way, if they really want to see you, they can go to China for a visit, don't pass up your future because of the ex trying to do the control thing on your head.

[ahkiwi]

Mate, take a deep breath and clear your mind.

You need to do what makes you happy ... life is too short to try and make everyone else in the world happy, especially when it makes you miserable. I suspect that if you stay she'll do this whenever you try to form another relationship.

The Important Stuff
Does thinking of Keren and you give you that pleasant glow (the warm fuzzies)?
From what you've said it probably does ...

4 simple steps:
[list=1]

• Fly to China
• Grab Keren
• ?
• Profit !!!

[David5o]

Rob,

Vince and MM, are right. You don't have the problem, your Ex does. She may even be feeling that she made a mistake 5 or 6 years ago. Again, that's her problem too.

Don't live your life for others Rob, live it for yourself, if that includes your lady keren, ....then so be it!!
Forget the crap about the Kids missing you, ...your not cutting yourself off from them, your just moving to a place that's a bit more difficult to have regular face to face contact. But you still have your and their computers and the phone. I wouldn't think they are young kids now anyway.... are they ??

As i told you before Rob, unlike many others here, you've put in the work and the effort. The only hurdle as such you have, is the first face to face meeting...  No one knows how that will go, at least you've done as much as you can as a basis for that meeting...right ??

David.....

[Peter]

I guess that the 24-hour rule is applicable about the question with you ex wife too. I can only speak for myself as everyone else does. My suggestion is like everyone else: go to China and meet your Lady face to face. After that you can make a decision about your life. Don't let your ex wife interfere with what decision you will make. Think of your self first...

[shaun]

Rob, let me tell you what is happening with me right now.  After all of the bad things that have happened and the hell my ex has put me through and I am still trying to pay off, last week she starts coming over to the house every day.  She's friendly, nice, giving, and actually pleasant to be around.  The one thing she has not done is apologize for the hell she has and is putting me through. She absolutely destroyed my credit.  She has not talked about anything that would remotely tell me that she realizes that she has made a mistake.

I can tell she wants to come back because life isn't what she wants it to be.  There is also the issue of control, she doesn't have it anymore.  It appears that she wants it back.  Furthermore I am happier now more than I have been in a long time. I've lost almost 30 pounds and it shows so women are taking notice.  My two girls realize I am not the bad man they thought I was, an idea planted by their mother.  My son and I, well that is another story.  He is just like his mother. (personality)

Rob, I still have love for her, haven't completely got over her, and I realize some of this is my fault but if she were to ask me if it were OK to come back home the answer would not only be no but HELL NO.

Even if she recognized what she did that was so wrong and apologized, too much has happened and I am not willing to take another chance on her.  I have come the place that JimB has on American women; and we both are Georgia boys.

I won't tell you what you need to answer for yourself but I have told you about me and my ex.

One last thought, American women always want their ace in the hole, something they can fall back on if things do not work out.  I'm not playing that game.

[David5o]

Shaun,

Ooooooo, ....Your a hard and determined man Shaun!!  Not just Yes, but, HELL YES!!

I think that Ace In The Hole is going East from what i can tell, ...To a beautiful little Chinese Girl!!   haha!!

David.....

[Vince G]

I had told my Ex when we were dating, Once you go out the door there's no coming back. It's boarded up. And I stuck to that promise.

[victor-hills]

Rob what the guys sead is right on the money i was with my EX for 22 years mate,we got back togaver after a few years but it just was not right i could neaver shake of her telling me she did not love me i thought i could but no so in the end i broke it of with her in the end theres just no going back after all the hurt thats gone on with each other mate take it from some one who tryed, sounds like you got a lovely woman weating for you so go for it life is too short all the best rob and chin up hey.

[Neil]

Yeah Rob, there's nothing wrong with loving your ex-wife.  I love my ex too but there's no way in hell I'd ever go back to her.  I'll help her out, do what I can, I'll cry at her funeral but I'll never live with her again, some things can never be forgiven.  

here's a quote from a novel I read once that really captures that:

The fear, it was allways there. Fear of rejection, fear of unrequieted hope and love, fear of feelings still below the surface in me. It was all mixed in the blender and poured smooth as a milkshake in to my cup until it was filled to the very edge. So full that if I were to move even a step it would spill over the sides. Therefore I couldn't move. I stood paralyzed. I stayed home and lived out of a box.

I'm a believer in the single-bullet theory. You can fall in love and make love many times but there is only one bullet with your name etched on the side. And if you are lucky enough to be shot with that bullet then the wound never heals.

Roy Lindell might have had Martha Gessler's name on a bullet. I don't know. What I do know is that Eleanor Wish had been my bullet. She had pierced me through and through. There were other women before and other women since but the wound she left was always there. It would not heal right. I was still bleeding and I knew I would always bleed for her. That was just the way it had to be. There is no end of things in the heart.

Michael Connelly - Lost Light

[David E]

Rob

From what you say, the divorce was not caused by you....but by her.....

You never were a guilty party to it.

When your ex comes over and starts rabbiting on about the "good times" and how it could all be OK again...it is natural for you to feel a bit vindicated and to also remember the good times........it's a 28 year habit !!!!...just as hard to kick as smoking !

But never forget...THAT relationship is dead...even if you decided (!!) to have another go with your ex...it can NEVER be the same.

She knows what buttons to push, she is getting the message that she f#####ed up and that you are finally going out of her life...with your Keren......she dont like that one little bit !!

You have a RIGHT to your own life now...take it with happiness.

DavidE

[shaun]

Shaun,

Ooooooo, ....Your a hard and determined man Shaun!!  Not just Yes, but, HELL YES!!

I think that Ace In The Hole is going East from what i can tell, ...To a beautiful little Chinese Girl!!   haha!!

David.....

David, the hard and determined is focused toward not making the same mistake twice.  To do it justice I would have to tell the whole story and there is no reason to put everyone through that.  But going East? You bet.  There has always been a strong attraction for me and I like just about everything I read about Chinese women.

I know a woman who made the decision to marry a rich man.  She did but it took a while because she wanted one that she was in love with too.  They were married 40+ years when he died. Years later she still loves him. That is the kind of idea I am looking for.

Shaun

I had told my Ex when we were dating, Once you go out the door there's no coming back. It's boarded up. And I stuck to that promise.

That is exactly where I am Vince.

[Vince G]

I'll cry at her funeral but I'll never live with her again

Cry at her funeral? I told mine I'll dance on her grave.

[Rhonald]

Rob my Ex cheated with what I thought was my best friend. Life ain't a revolving door. Feelings can ebb and flow like the tide, but honesty and trust are as rare as a flower that only blosoms once.

I f you like baseball then sure give her three tries then she is out. But baseball is a sport so just be carefull that she doesn't make sport of you.